Original subtitles

Hey, baby girl.

Uncle Bernie, I hate being the youngest.

When am I going to be the oldest?

It don't work that way.

Well, when am I going to be older than Jordan?

It don't work that way, either.

But that's not fair.

I know it isn't.

Okay.

When you get 11, you'll be able to be older than Jordan.

Okay? Yes!

Isn't she adorable, America?

Look how happy she is.

And maybe I was right.

Girls do mature faster than boys.

Ha. Especially when it comes to good sense.

She might be older than Jordan right now.

The thing is,

sometimes you've got to tell kids

what they need to hear.

(glass breaking)

It best be cleaned up before I get out there!

Or somebody will get their butt whooped.

See, America?

They needed to hear that.

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie, popcorn's ready!

Well, I'm not, and popcorn don't rule me.

I'm trying to pick the right movie.

VANESSA: Everybody wants to see Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Well, get used to disappointment.

Oh, this here.

Something wrong.

My Redd Foxx ticket stub.

Someone stole my Redd Foxx ticket stub.

Ugh!

America, I've been robbed.

Violated!

Somebody reached up and snatched a piece of my past.

1987, Las Vegas.

One of the proudest nights of my life.

The night I opened up for Redd Foxx.

First time my name was on a marquee.

Who would do such a diabolical thing?

Who would come up in here and...

rape me?

VANESSA: I didn't even

know you had a dumb stub.

Red foxes are furry.

Let me tell you something.

You start icing your ass right now, boy, you hear me?

(sighs)

JORDAN: But

I had to take it.

It's for a school assignment.

To steal something

that don't belong to you, Jordan?

No. To put something meaningful in the time capsule.

So that when people open it in 50 years,

they'll know all about us.

Us? There ain't no us.

That stub belong to me.

They'd be learning about me.

Only thing they going to be learning about you is

that you're going to be buried right next to it.

Now, I want you to give it back, you hear me?

Jordan, why don't you put something in it of your own?

But it has to be something that connects us to the past.

Like your ticket stub connects you to Redd Foxx.

Why don't you connect something from your own past?

Like something you came here with.

I didn't come here with anything.

Come on now, boy.

You got off the plane

with a bag full of stuff.

Uh, that was a shopping bag.

I know what it was, honey.

It was a bag full of stuff.

Well, it had clothes in it,

which we sort of disposed of.

She burned them.

(whispering): You burned them.

Oh, don't look at me like that, America.

They had fleas.

I had to burn them.

Either that, or the boy had to wear a flea collar.

But see, now I know why he took my stuff.

He's just trying to make some connection

with his past.

You know, get a sense of history.

See, you know what he needs right now is a parent.

Somebody to show him just a little love.

Somebody to explain to him his unfortunate beginnings.

You know, bring it down to the level

where the boy can understand.

Somebody like...

like me.

Jordan?

I know you want to have something from your past.

But you can't expect to have anything

when you don't come from anything.

And I know the truth is hard.

But the truth is...

life dealt you a bad hand,

and you just got to play your low pair.

(sniffling)

Son, you ain't the only one that had it rough.

Shoot, when I was your age, I lost my mama.

My daddy was worse than yours.

I don't even remember my daddy.

That's because he was out of there, man,

before you was potty-trained.

Four years and out. Out of there!

Move on.

Man up!

Man up!

America, that's called tough love.

And that's what the boy needed.

Not some kissy, huggy episode of Dr. Phil.

"My daddy wasn't there."

"I have abandonment issues."

Please, I'm teaching that boy how to be a man.

How to roll with the punches.

He may miss out on this school assignment,

but he'll get an A from the school of hard knocks.

That's what I'm talking about.

School of hard knocks.

Lesson.

So, Jesus fell three times on his way to the crucifixion,

all the while carrying a cross on his back

and wearing a crown of thorns,

which, I might add, was very uncomfortable.

No pain, no gain.

At least he got to be the Son of God.

Jordan, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Jesus's

suffering should not be taken lightly.

So he had it rough, big deal.

Couldn't he just suck it up like the rest of us?

I had it rough, too,

but you don't see people

hanging little statues of me over their bed.

(all gasping)

Baby, I'm telling you, the boy's a devil. Look at him.

I only told them the hard truth like you told me,

Uncle Bernie. How when life

deals you a rough hand, you got to play the low pair.

You said that about Jesus?

Just the opposite.

I was talking about the boy's father.

Yeah, how he left us and doesn't care.

Oh, Bernie, you shouldn't have said that.

Why not?

It's the truth.

And I say good for Uncle Bernie.

Vanessa.

What?

I'm just telling it like it T-I is.

(laughs)

I'm going to go watch Mr. Ed.

I'm going to go talk to the boy.

Mm-hmm.

Mr. Ed.

Boy!

Boy?

It brightens.

Get out those nasty coffee stains, with Dent-O-Sparkle.

BERNIE: Hey.

(sighs)

Jordan, I know I shouldn't have told you

those things about your father.

No, it's fine.

No, no. I know it hurts.

No, it doesn't because he doesn't care about us,

and I don't care about him.

Jordan, that's a little strong. He does care.

He just doesn't have what it takes to stick it out.

No, he doesn't care.

Because if he cared,

he wouldn't have left.

Bet he never even thought about us again.

America, see, you let me push the boy too far.

But don't worry.

I'll pull him back in.

See, this all started

because Jordan didn't have something

to connect him to his past.

So, I'll just give him something

and tell him that it's from his dad.

You know, something small.

Valuable.

You know, one of a kind.

Maybe just something small.

This is nice.

Real nice.

Hey, man, I got something for you.

I don't want anything.

Oh, you'll want this.

This was your dad's.

This was my dad's?

Yup.

My dad had a monocular?

Not that I know of.

Oh, yeah, that's what that is.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what he had.

Why didn't you give me this before?

Well, he asked me to hold it till your 18th birthday, Jordan,

but I figured you need it now.

But why would he want me to have this?

Well, actually, he loved that little doohickey,

but since you his only son,

it's only natural that he pass it down to you

the same way you pass it down to your son.

But what if I have twins?

Then you gonna have a dilemma.

But the point is, it's a keepsake.

Now you have something of your father's,

and now it belongs to you.

Aw, thanks, Uncle Bernie.

I'm going to go show Bryana.

Go ahead, man.

Well, that was a choice.

Unless you got a better one.

I got the boy happy again.

Hmm.

It's like I said before, America.

Sometime you got to tell a kid what they need to hear.

Give them something to hold on to.

So I fabricated a little.

You do it, too.

Tell your children there's a fat man

who live on the North Pole to bring them presents.

I told the boy his dad had a monocular.

Uh-huh.

My lie is this big.

Hmm.

Your lie has reindeer.

So, who's the bull...

Every year.

BRYANA: Can you read it?

Eight of diamonds.

Go down three more houses.

Hey, what are you doing?

Testing my dad's monocular.

Keep on going!

Hmm.

Let me see.

(car honking)

Oh, Lord!

Help me.

Baby girl, get out the middle of the street.

BRYANA: Okay!

Bryana, bring the cards home,

then I'll let you use my monocular

and look up my nose and see my brain.

You know it ain't going to be much to look at.

Y'all know that, don't you?

Oh, no, a flood.

What?

Let me see.

Ain't no flood.

All I see is Miss Bowdin dressing.

(laughs)

Her TV is on The Weather Channel.

Oh.

(laughs) Yeah, Jordan and friend,

stop peeping.

Mm-hmm.

I bet my dad used this thing all the time.

I bet he did.

So when did he give it to you?

Um, at a reunion.

You was a little baby.

I think I remember that.

Hmm. This plan of yours comes with a pretty big shovel.

I know, baby.

The boy's so damn inquisitive.

Why he just can't take a lie at face value?

That's the last one, I promise.

So, what did my dad use this monocular for?

He was a sergeant in the army.

Well, of course.

That's probably why he was never around.

Because he was busy

on missions.

Who are you talking about?

Dad. Uncle Bernie gave me his monocular.

Sorry, Vanessa, you can't touch it.

He gave it to me.

Did you know Dad was a sergeant in the army?

He spied on enemies.

He'd sneak up on them

and say, "Surrender in the name of the U.S. of A."

Then he'd kick them in the butt on the way back to base.

I bet his uniform was covered in medals.

Oh. I'm going to go on a recon mission.

I'll have a full report for you later.

Okay, Captain.

You lied to him?

Our dad was never in the army.

I know that, Nessa,

but it was almost like he was POW.

He was surrounded by men with uniforms with guns.

Had he tried to escape, they'd have shot him.

It's close enough.

Ain't it?

You know,

your Uncle Bernie didn't mean any harm.

(scoffs)

Okay.

He told Jordan that our dad was some big war hero.

But he wasn't a hero.

He wasn't anything.

He was just the guy that left us.

And now Jordan's running around

thinking that some stupid toy is going to change that.

You know what? I should tell him the truth.

And what would that do?

I don't know, but I'm just so mad at him.

So, who are you really mad at,

your Uncle Bernie or your father?

I'm telling you, baby,

Nessa ain't said not one word to me.

Not one.

I mean, silence is golden,

but I don't know if I like it like that.

Well, honey, you should try talking to her again.

I tried talking to her.

Every time I try talking to Nessa,

she walk out of the room.

How I know she had all those issues

about her daddy?

Wasn't her mama enough?

Why can't she just hold her feelings inside

and get high blood pressure like normal people?

JORDAN: No!

There go my high blood pressure right there.

I'm gonna pop.

I'ma tell you, I'm gonna pop!

(Jordan sobbing)

Jordan?

What the hell is going on in here, Jordan?

(sobbing): Dad's monocular-- it's gone.

I can't find it anywhere.

It's gone!

America, why that little knothead

had to go lose his daddy all over again?

That wasn't part of the plan.

Damn monocular.

Why this stuff always got to happen to me?

Bernie Mac is a victim of his own compassion.

Jordan, we'll find it in the morning.

We'll just retrace all your steps.

Now how hard can that be?

That's my man.

Come on.

Jordan, you mean to tell me

you spent two hours playing in the grass?

I was camouflaging myself,

like my dad probably did in the Gulf War.

You think he ever shot a man?

Oh, I know he did.

(sighs): A hero.

Yeah.

We've got to find it.

It's my most valued possession.

Now I know why they call them "filthy liars."

Look at me, America, I'm filthy.

Well... Now, if you would excuse me

I have another acre of sod I must pull up

to find a fake war hero's monocular.

You know, this is some bull.

You start one lie, you got to tell another.

That's why I don't lie, America.

Jordan! Jordan!

I'm in here, Uncle Bernie.

Hey.

What, you hang out in doghouses?

Well, this is my headquarters.

I sit here and I scan the horizon.

Do you think my dad liked dogs?

Well, I remember one time in particular

he was surrounded by them.

If I don't find my dad's monocular,

can we go to the army surplus store

and get some dog tags made?

Some dog tags?

Yeah, and they can say "Sergeant Tompkins,"

just like my dad's.

Dog tags?

If he really want to be like his dad, he should be wearing

a house-arrest monitor on his ankle.

You know, those little things, like little pagers.

You know, turn on Cops.

The one I had...

Let's... let's move on.

Something just ain't right.

Somebody been trying to look at my Pam Grier.

Look like Jordan been trying to get a close-up look.

Dang.

I don't know whether to be upset or rejoice.

But the real question is, what do I do about this?

(sighs)

So you found it?

Yeah.

I guess you're gonna give it to him, right?

Hop in here for a minute.

Come on.

Look...

Why didn't you just leave things the way they were?

Why'd you have to go and lie to Jordan?

I'm just trying to give the boy something to hold on to, Nessa.

There is nothing about our father worth holding on to.

Look, I'm sorry your father hurt you,

and I'm sorry I hurt you.

He might not have been no saint, but he's still your father.

You probably got a good memory or two, don't you?

I just remember him leaving.

(sniffles)

Nessa.

Okay, Vanessa, I'll leave you alone.

He was laughing.

What?

I was about five,

and Jordan was still a baby.

We were in the tub,

and he was laughing.

See, Nessa, right there,

that's a memory right there.

Your father may not have stuck around,

but for that one moment your father was a daddy.

That's a memory that you have.

Jordan don't have that memory,

real or not.

This monocular is the only thing

to give him something to hold on to.

Now I ask you,

you sure you want to take this away from him?

VANESSA: Jordan, come here.

Look.

(laughs): Who's that baby

with the pointy head?

You.

Is that our dad?

Yeah, and that's me.

Here.

I can have it?

Yeah, but make sure you take care of it.

It's the only picture we have of him.

Thanks.

Uncle Bernie, Aunt Wanda, look.

That's me with the pointy head.

Would you look at that?

That's my dad.

He's very handsome.

Yeah. How come he's not wearing his army uniform?

Uh, I don't think he had to wear it every day.

Oh. I'm going to go put this in a frame.

I am very proud of you.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

I can't wrap this up in a bow, America,

because parenting isn't like that.

It's tricky.

Just when you think you got it knocked,

that's when something's gonna trip you up.

See, Jordan had a problem.

I did the best I could.

I didn't have the answers.

I gave him a monocular and some nice stories.

But Nessa, she did what I couldn't do.

She gave him something real.

And I'm proud of her, too.

You go, girl.

Nessa. Mm.

In a world where good battles evil...

where the past defines the future...

That was a nice thing you did for your brother.

Yeah. I mean, I figured I could give up my picture,

'cause I'm sure my dad left something for me.

You know, like those suede boots with the skinny heels

we saw at the mall?

Nice try.

I had to give it a shot.

You did.

Did it work?

We'll see.

I can't lie to you, America.

I might get her those boots.

I might.

Action!

(growling)

(laughter)

So I guess you found it then, right?

Oh, don't go in there.

You want to let it air out a little bit.

(laughter)

A Camera Only. Marker.

Who's that baby with the ugly bed?

Ugly pointy head?

Who's that ugly baby with the pointy head?

Man, that's the one who pooted.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA