All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S03E09.Droobie.or.Not.Droobie.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

Uh, Jordan, honey,
why aren't you dressed?

I have to take inventory
of all my candy.

Now you just got all
this candy this afternoon,

and you've already taken
inventory three times.

Father Cronin says
we're responsible

for every bar we take.

Aunt Wanda,
do I have to go

to this movie?

Yes, and you should
be grateful.

Most kids don't get to go
to movie premieres.

Bernie,
can you get Bryana, honey?

It's time to go.

But, I don't even
like Droobie,

and I was supposed to babysit
for the Wexlers.

Well, I'm sure the Wexlers
will understand.

Okay, there you go.

Now, put on your jacket.
It's time to go.

What's all this?

We're having a candy drive
to raise money for the school.

Hey, this candy
is for paying customers.

Hands off.

Whatever. I don't even want
any of your stupid candy.

Really? See, I
thought stupid candy
is the only kind you ate,

and that's why
you're so stupid.

(snickers)

BERNIE:
Excuse me.

Have you all had a chance

to meet this beautiful
little princess?

Oh, my goodness.

Look at you, sweetie.

Let me get a picture.
My teacher says

I can tell the whole class
about the movie tomorrow

because I'm the first
one to see it.

(Bernie chuckles)

Can we leave now?

I want to get a good seat.

Okay,

one sec, let me
get a photo.

Say "Droobie."
Droobie.

Nice.

Wow.

America, meet
Droobie.

Droobie, say
hello to America.

See, baby girl
loves Droobie.

She got a Droobie
lunch box,

Droobie
coloring book,

Droobie stickers,
Droobie board game.

She even got Droobie
little drawers.

Look.

Trying to
get all shy.

I'm telling
you, America.

Baby girl can't get
enough of Droobie.

That's why role
Uncle Bernie
took the role

of the evil wizard in
the new Droobie movie.

Now, that's not
my normal kind

of movie that I do,

but tonight,
when we go to
that premiere,

and I see the smile on
that little girl's face,

it's going to light
up the whole theater.

Am I right, Droob?

America, I don't
care for his
dancing, but..

It grates on me.

Got to be a white
guy in there.

Let's see.

Do the percolator.

James Brown.

Twine Time.

Boogaloo.

(laughs)

All right.

America, Droobie
might be mixed.

On daddy's side.

(wind howls,
lightning strikes)

Finally. This is the good part.

I get to release
my evil army of warthogs

on Droobie's little village.

Yeah, I know.

I'm watching it, too.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to ask you

to keep your son
at his seat.

He just went to the restroom.

Actually, ma'am,
he's been going up and down

the aisles trying
to sell candy.

And they're giving it away
because it's a premiere.

How am I supposed to
compete with that?
Shh!

He's been very disruptive.

Sit your little self down.

BERNIE (in movie): Finally,
I will destroy Droobie
and his little village.

(evil laughter)

Once he's out of the way,

there will be no end
to my power.

I shall reign supreme!

(boisterous chuckle)

Can we leave now?

Well, baby girl,
the movie's not over yet.

I don't care.

Sweetie, don't you
want to finish your popcorn?

No. I want to go home.

Please?

Shh.

I-I'm sorry.

Baby girl, let's
just stay a little longer.

Let's see what happens to
Droobie and his village, okay?

No. I want to go home!

Shh! Shh!

(mutters)

Get your stuff.
Shh!

MAN: I hate that.
WOMAN: Sit down.

WOMAN: Wait.
WOMAN: You're not at home.

(screaming in movie)

Bernie!

I'm coming, babe.

I'm coming.

I'll see you then. Thank you.
(phone beeps)

I'm all in your business.

Who was that?

Oh, Mrs. Wexler.

She wants me to baby-sit
again Friday night.

See? I told you
it would work out.

Yeah.
So, what are you
doing with the money

you're getting
from baby-sitting?

Save it, I guess.

How much do you have so far?

$135.

That's a nice
chunk of money.

I'm impressed.

Well, maybe we should
open up a bank account.
Okay.

Uncle Bernie, did you
take some of my candy?

What you accusing
me of, boy?

You calling
me a crook?

Well, I found this

on your desk.

What are you doing snooping
around my desk for, Jordan?

I like my privacy.

Remember that.

How'd you like me
to come snooping

under your mattress
for your Mademoiselle

magazine you
be reading? Yeah.

Thought nobody
didn't know it, did you?

Look here, boy, I was going

to pay your money.

I just couldn't find you
at the time.

That's it. From now on,

I'm keeping my candy right here
where I can see it.

What you
tripping for, man?

Here, take your
doggone money.

I ain't got to
go through this.

Here. Candy
ain't all that, either.

(clattering)

Hey, baby girl.
You brush your teeth?

Good.

Come on, let's say our prayers,
and I'll tuck you in.

No. I want Aunt Wanda.

What?

She's mad at you
for being mean to Droobie.

That's why we
had to leave.

Dang, baby,
it's just a movie.

I know, honey,

but sometimes kids
have a problem

trying to figure out
what's real or not.

Mwah.

Parenting is hard, America.

But Bernie Mac has it harder.

See, you all got it easy.

All you got
to do is watch your language,

make sure the little ones
don't hear you

when you're in the bed
with a little bump and grind.

But I got to worry
about the roles I take.

I did this for baby girl,

and now baby girl
won't talk to me.

Damn, America, look at me.

I'm suffering for my art.

Hey, baby girl,

so what you going
to tell your friends
about the movie, huh?

Baby girl?

(whispering)

It wouldn't be good
for either of us

if I told you what she said.

(whispering)

And if anybody asks her,

she says she's going
to say it was bad.

He already knows that.

What? What-What she say?

She's not talking to you.

(sighs)

Baby girl.

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Bernie.

You must feel terrible.

I do.

You know what
might cheer you up?

What?

Buying some candy.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

Full-page ad
of the Droobie movie.

Look at that.

Mm. Look good.

Yup.

The studio's really
behind this one, B.

I'm telling you,
it tested through the roof.

I wonder if, uh,

Greg's seen this.

Greg who?

What? Greg.
Greg Marshall.

Droobie-- I signed him.

You never told me that.

Yes, I did, dawg.

We had that conversation.

We had that conversat...

We had the conversation, Bernie.

Don't you remember the...
No, no.

Three and a half weeks ago.

Don't you remember,
when you were shooting,

and I had to cancel lunch
on you?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I had to cancel lunch

because I had to take lunch
with Greg.

Went to Nobu.
Spent, like, $800.

It was awesome.

You canceled lunch?

Wait. Hold on a second.

Hello? Hello?

Hello...? You see, hmm.

I can't... I can't even
get a signal in your place.

This is...
Are your walls made of lead?

Jerry, you got to wear
that thing right now?

I'm trying to talk to you.

Okay, Big Papa. Big Papa?

If I'm not in touch,
then you're not in touch.

It's annoying, Jerry.

Hey, so fine.
I'm an annoying guy, okay?

What the hell
were we just talking about?

Jerry.

Can you get Greg
to come over here?

Yes, done. Absolutely.

He loves you. Wait. Hello?

Hello?

Here we go again. Hello?
Jerry.

I can't take this.

It's like living
in Liberace's compound.

Hello?

Hello?

See, if Bryana can see

that Droobie and her
Uncle Bernie are friends,

then she won't be mad
at me anymore.

So, Droobie will come over
to the house,

and the two of us will
pal around like friends do,

maybe watch a ball game.

And I can get that little girl
her fantasy back.

(laughs)

It'll all work out nice.

Real nice.

Well, children, here are

the latest numbers
on the candy drive.
(chuckles)

Now, as you can see,

some of you have some
catching up to do

if you're going
to win that bike.

(sighs)

♪ Beware of the man ♪

♪ With the candy
in his hand ♪

♪ Beware of the man ♪

(door shuts)
♪ With the candy
in his hand ♪

♪ He's hidin' some ♪

♪ He's hidin'
in your neighborhood ♪

Oh!

(growling, barking)

(screams)

(barking)

Oh, no!

(barks)

(shouts)

♪ Beware of the man ♪

♪ With the candy
in his hand ♪

♪ Beware of the man ♪

♪ With the candy ♪

(dramatic music
playing on TV)

This doesn't make any sense.

I'll tell you what
don't make any sense.

Are you watching
this television?

No.

Well, you best
cut it off, baby.

What's going on?

I got my bank statements.

Aunt Wanda took me
to open up an account,

but now there's $25 less
than when I opened it.

Hmm.

Let me see.

Oh.

Okay, free checking.

That costs you $10 right there.

(scoffs)
That's not fair.

Hmm.

Let me break it down
like a fraction.

See, going to the bank is like
going to a loan shark.

Only difference is,
you get a chance to sit down.

I'm not sure I
know what you mean.

See, baby,

the money
that you put in the bank,

they're going to lend
to a sucker, okay?

They're going
to charge him interest.

And the money
that that sucker pays back,

you're going
to get a tiny, tiny piece

of the money that the bank made,

by lending that sucker
your money.

But doesn't that
make me a sucker?

You're a bright girl, Nessa.

Lollipop.

(slurps)
Whoo-whoo!

(laughs)

This is some bull.

Well, boys and girls,

the candy drive
was a huge success...

but now it is time
to announce the winner:

(class gasping)
the person who sold
the most candy

and is going to get
the new BMX bike,

and that person is...

Jordan Tompkins!

Whoa!
(class cheering)

I won!
(game show music playing)

Well, no, I couldn't...

(laughs)

(laughing)

Thank you! Thank you!

And Jordan, not only
did you win the contest,

but you've also been named
King of the School.

(laughing)

Oh...

FAMILY:
My Lord.

Arise, my family.

Actually, Uncle Bernie,
you stay down.

What?
(cackling)

It's great to be king.

(sighs)
I got to stop eating
this chocolate.

It gives me really weird dreams.

BRYANA:
Am I in trouble?

WANDA: All I know
is Uncle Bernie
wants to see you

right away.

Okay.

Open your eyes.

Droobie!
WANDA: Hello, Droobie,

I'm Wanda. Nice
to meet you.

(all chuckling)

I wanted Droobie to come by
so that you could see,

baby girl, that we're still
good friends, right, Droobie?

I think Droobie likes
your Uncle Bernie
an awful lot.

So you're not mad
at Uncle Bernie

for being mean to you?

No, no. He's not mad,

and all that stuff
you saw in the movie...

just make-believe.

That's acting.
That's my job.
It's not real.

So, do you understand
that now, sweetie?

Yes.
Good.

Oh.

BERNIE:
Hey, Wanda?

Hmm?
The way he dance...

He dance kind of,
sort of...?

Mm-hmm.

(inaudible)
Mm-hmm.

Who is that?
I don't know.

I thank you so much, man.

Let me help you.
(grunting)
No problem.

(pants)

Told you he was white.

Hey, Bernie, man,
Huh?

you mind helping me
out of this thing?

No, no, man, no
problem, no problem.

I really need a smoke,
but one spark,

and this thing'll go up
like a freaking torch.
(laughing)

Hey, Jerry tell me, man,
you're doing so well
in this thing, huh?

Who knew? I mean,
six months ago,

I was delivering
bottled water,

and now I'm one
of the top ten

recognizable
cartoon characters
in the world.

(chuckling)
It-it is nuts.
Wow, you don't say?

Yeah, oh, and you
want to hear
the weird thing?

Mm-hmm.
The women, man.

The women.
I meet so many women now,

What?
and I can't tell you who,

but one of 'em
actually wanted me

to leave the costume on
when we... you know.

No...
No, I was like, "Damn!"

(laughing)

Who-who was it?

All right, it...
it was Christina Applegate.

I figured. I... Mm-hmm.

And the money... Now, I mean,
the money is, like, ridiculous.

Mm-hmm.
This dragon is a cash cow.

Well, look here,
I'm going to help you
carry this stuff to the car.

Can you tell me some more?
Yeah, yeah, sure,
that's perfect, man,

'cause I've really got to motor.

I've got a Pilates class
at 4:30.

Is that right?
Yeah.

The black women
into this stuff?

(grunting)

Get the tail in there.

(grunting)

Get your head in there!

You killed him!
You killed Droobie!

Baby girl,
it's not the way it looks.

Aunt Wanda, help!

America, I ain't
no Droobie killer,

and I can't have baby girl
thinking I am.

I need to get Droobie back here,

so I got my man Jerry
on the phone setting it up.

Hold on, America.

Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

Say what?

Uh-huh...

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Guess what?

Droobie too busy to see me.

Jerry say he's
doing a commercial

and his schedule's real tight.

Oh, I see. Man walking around
in a fur suit and a giant head

ain't got no time
for Bernie Mac?

Well, that's okay, 'cause
if Droobie won't come to me,

then I got to go
to Droobie, y'all.

Hey, baby girl,
don't you want

to ride up front with
your Uncle Bernie?

Droobie Killer.

Well, you want
to stay single,
don't you?

JORDAN:
Hi, Father.

How are you doing today?

Who are you?

Who am I isn't important.

The thing is I
have this friend.

So, tell me about this friend.

He was selling candy
for the candy drive,

and it hasn't
been going too good.

There is no sin in that.

Yeah, but he got
sort of frustrated,

and he sort of
ate more candy than he sold.

How much more?

A lot.

He doesn't really
have any money of his own,

so he was just wondering
how big of a deal it would be

if he kind of didn't pay
you guys back?

Are you telling me
your friend plans to steal

from the Holy Church?

Yeah, if it wouldn't
be a big deal.

Well, my little plastic man,
I'd tell your friend

that as bad as his punishment
would be in this world

for the abomination
he has committed,

it would be nothing compared
to that which would wait for him

in the hereafter,

doomed to spend
his eternity

in the fiery depths of hell

wherein he would wail
and gnash his teeth.

Uh, I'm sorry,
what was that last part again?

Wherein he would wail
and gnash his teeth.

(sighs)

That doesn't sound good.
(sniffles)

Candy bar?
No.

Candy?

We sell this candy
to make money

to support after
school programs for
underprivileged kids.

These programs keep us
off the streets,

out of gangs,
and away from drugs.

Ten dollars.

Thank you very much.

Hmm.

(cackling)

(bell rings)
You've got to be extra
quiet, baby girl,

while they
rehearse, okay?

Run, Droobie!

My Uncle Bernie's
going to kill you again.

DROOBIE:
Hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, what the hell
is going on here, people?

I am trying
to work here, okay,

and it gets hot inside
this stinking Droobie head!

Oh. Hey, there, Bryana.

You're Droobie?

...So by selling
these candy bars,

I'm hoping to avoid
a dead-end life

of drugs and violence.

How much are they?

Four dollars.

Okay, I'll take one.

Great, 'cause that's all
I got left.

Hey, how come it
says two dollars?

Oh, that's a misprint.

Being underprivileged,
we can't afford to buy

the really nice
candy wrappers.

These were wrapped
in China.

Have a nice day.

(chuckling)

Why you working
our side of the street?

Who, me? No,
I was just going home.

You aren't going anywhere,
four eyes. Hand over the money.

But... how 'bout
we just head over

to one of those
after-school programs

that keep you
off the street,

and out of gangs,
and away from drugs?

What size sneaker
do you wear?

Why?

WANDA:
They stole your shoes?

And all my money.

Well, sweetie,
it's an unfortunate lesson,

but what made you think
you could sell candy to people

for double its cost?

I had to make up
for what I ate.

Father Cronin
said if I didn't,

I was going to go
to the fiery pits of hell,

and I'd wail
and gnash my teeth.

Well, I think he just
said that to scare you.

But why take the chance?

(sigh)

I'm going to sell
my Avenger Number 18

to pay back the school.

Okay, I'll go get my keys.

(sighs)

You want me to
write you a check?

Would you?
Yeah.

You could pay me back...
with interest.

You're going to make
me pay interest?

But I'm your brother.

Let me break it down,
Jordan.

I'm the bank,
and you're the sucker.

Here.

That's crazy.

Not for me.

But, with my allowance,

it'll take me a thousand years
to pay you back.

Then sell your comic book.

You're evil.

No, I'm a capitalist.

(bell ringing)

Uncle Bernie?
Hmm?

Droobie isn't
real, is he?

No, baby girl, he isn't...

but the love you have for him
is never going to change
no matter what,

just like the love
your Uncle Bernie has for you

is never going
to change.
What about Santa Clause,

and the Tooth Fairy,
and the Easter Bunny?

Are they not real, too?

Sweetheart, they're as real
as you want them to be

right inside here.
You understand?
Yes.

Give me some ice cream.

(laughs)

Kids grow up in ways
you can't plan on, America.

Little Dorothy--
she pulled that curtain,

and see-- there's no wizard.

It's just a man.

She grows up right there,
right in front of your eyes.

A tiny bit of the little girl
she used to be

kind of fades away.

Bryana's growing up.

There ain't no denying that.

Won't be long
before she's out of the house,

off to college.

Her room will be empty.

All that space.

I don't know
how I'm going to fill it.

Pool table.

Sweet.

Regulation size.

That's corner pocket.

Twine time.

James Brown.

Boogaloo.

Do the splits.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Droobie might be mixed.

Trying to give me some tail.

Back in the day...

(laughter)

MAN:
Still rolling.

Don't... Still...
still rolling.
One more time.

Uh, I'm sorry, we're out.
(beep)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA