Original subtitles

Uh, Jordan, honey, why aren't you dressed?

I have to take inventory of all my candy.

Now you just got all this candy this afternoon,

and you've already taken inventory three times.

Father Cronin says we're responsible

for every bar we take.

Aunt Wanda, do I have to go

to this movie?

Yes, and you should be grateful.

Most kids don't get to go to movie premieres.

Bernie, can you get Bryana, honey?

It's time to go.

But, I don't even like Droobie,

and I was supposed to babysit for the Wexlers.

Well, I'm sure the Wexlers will understand.

Okay, there you go.

Now, put on your jacket. It's time to go.

What's all this?

We're having a candy drive to raise money for the school.

Hey, this candy is for paying customers.

Hands off.

Whatever. I don't even want any of your stupid candy.

Really? See, I thought stupid candy is the only kind you ate,

and that's why you're so stupid.

(snickers)

BERNIE: Excuse me.

Have you all had a chance

to meet this beautiful little princess?

Oh, my goodness.

Look at you, sweetie.

Let me get a picture. My teacher says

I can tell the whole class about the movie tomorrow

because I'm the first one to see it.

(Bernie chuckles)

Can we leave now?

I want to get a good seat.

Okay,

one sec, let me get a photo.

Say "Droobie." Droobie.

Nice.

Wow.

America, meet Droobie.

Droobie, say hello to America.

See, baby girl loves Droobie.

She got a Droobie lunch box,

Droobie coloring book,

Droobie stickers, Droobie board game.

She even got Droobie little drawers.

Look.

Trying to get all shy.

I'm telling you, America.

Baby girl can't get enough of Droobie.

That's why role Uncle Bernie took the role

of the evil wizard in the new Droobie movie.

Now, that's not my normal kind

of movie that I do,

but tonight, when we go to that premiere,

and I see the smile on that little girl's face,

it's going to light up the whole theater.

Am I right, Droob?

America, I don't care for his dancing, but..

It grates on me.

Got to be a white guy in there.

Let's see.

Do the percolator.

James Brown.

Twine Time.

Boogaloo.

(laughs)

All right.

America, Droobie might be mixed.

On daddy's side.

(wind howls, lightning strikes)

Finally. This is the good part.

I get to release my evil army of warthogs

on Droobie's little village.

Yeah, I know.

I'm watching it, too.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you

to keep your son at his seat.

He just went to the restroom.

Actually, ma'am, he's been going up and down

the aisles trying to sell candy.

And they're giving it away because it's a premiere.

How am I supposed to compete with that? Shh!

He's been very disruptive.

Sit your little self down.

BERNIE (in movie): Finally, I will destroy Droobie and his little village.

(evil laughter)

Once he's out of the way,

there will be no end to my power.

I shall reign supreme!

(boisterous chuckle)

Can we leave now?

Well, baby girl, the movie's not over yet.

I don't care.

Sweetie, don't you want to finish your popcorn?

No. I want to go home.

Please?

Shh.

I-I'm sorry.

Baby girl, let's just stay a little longer.

Let's see what happens to Droobie and his village, okay?

No. I want to go home!

Shh! Shh!

(mutters)

Get your stuff. Shh!

MAN: I hate that. WOMAN: Sit down.

WOMAN: Wait. WOMAN: You're not at home.

(screaming in movie)

Bernie!

I'm coming, babe.

I'm coming.

I'll see you then. Thank you. (phone beeps)

I'm all in your business.

Who was that?

Oh, Mrs. Wexler.

She wants me to baby-sit again Friday night.

See? I told you it would work out.

Yeah. So, what are you doing with the money

you're getting from baby-sitting?

Save it, I guess.

How much do you have so far?

$135.

That's a nice chunk of money.

I'm impressed.

Well, maybe we should open up a bank account. Okay.

Uncle Bernie, did you take some of my candy?

What you accusing me of, boy?

You calling me a crook?

Well, I found this

on your desk.

What are you doing snooping around my desk for, Jordan?

I like my privacy.

Remember that.

How'd you like me to come snooping

under your mattress for your Mademoiselle

magazine you be reading? Yeah.

Thought nobody didn't know it, did you?

Look here, boy, I was going

to pay your money.

I just couldn't find you at the time.

That's it. From now on,

I'm keeping my candy right here where I can see it.

What you tripping for, man?

Here, take your doggone money.

I ain't got to go through this.

Here. Candy ain't all that, either.

(clattering)

Hey, baby girl. You brush your teeth?

Good.

Come on, let's say our prayers, and I'll tuck you in.

No. I want Aunt Wanda.

What?

She's mad at you for being mean to Droobie.

That's why we had to leave.

Dang, baby, it's just a movie.

I know, honey,

but sometimes kids have a problem

trying to figure out what's real or not.

Mwah.

Parenting is hard, America.

But Bernie Mac has it harder.

See, you all got it easy.

All you got to do is watch your language,

make sure the little ones don't hear you

when you're in the bed with a little bump and grind.

But I got to worry about the roles I take.

I did this for baby girl,

and now baby girl won't talk to me.

Damn, America, look at me.

I'm suffering for my art.

Hey, baby girl,

so what you going to tell your friends about the movie, huh?

Baby girl?

(whispering)

It wouldn't be good for either of us

if I told you what she said.

(whispering)

And if anybody asks her,

she says she's going to say it was bad.

He already knows that.

What? What-What she say?

She's not talking to you.

(sighs)

Baby girl.

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Bernie.

You must feel terrible.

I do.

You know what might cheer you up?

What?

Buying some candy.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

Full-page ad of the Droobie movie.

Look at that.

Mm. Look good.

Yup.

The studio's really behind this one, B.

I'm telling you, it tested through the roof.

I wonder if, uh,

Greg's seen this.

Greg who?

What? Greg. Greg Marshall.

Droobie-- I signed him.

You never told me that.

Yes, I did, dawg.

We had that conversation.

We had that conversat...

We had the conversation, Bernie.

Don't you remember the... No, no.

Three and a half weeks ago.

Don't you remember, when you were shooting,

and I had to cancel lunch on you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I had to cancel lunch

because I had to take lunch with Greg.

Went to Nobu. Spent, like, $800.

It was awesome.

You canceled lunch?

Wait. Hold on a second.

Hello? Hello?

Hello...? You see, hmm.

I can't... I can't even get a signal in your place.

This is... Are your walls made of lead?

Jerry, you got to wear that thing right now?

I'm trying to talk to you.

Okay, Big Papa. Big Papa?

If I'm not in touch, then you're not in touch.

It's annoying, Jerry.

Hey, so fine. I'm an annoying guy, okay?

What the hell were we just talking about?

Jerry.

Can you get Greg to come over here?

Yes, done. Absolutely.

He loves you. Wait. Hello?

Hello?

Here we go again. Hello? Jerry.

I can't take this.

It's like living in Liberace's compound.

Hello?

Hello?

See, if Bryana can see

that Droobie and her Uncle Bernie are friends,

then she won't be mad at me anymore.

So, Droobie will come over to the house,

and the two of us will pal around like friends do,

maybe watch a ball game.

And I can get that little girl her fantasy back.

(laughs)

It'll all work out nice.

Real nice.

Well, children, here are

the latest numbers on the candy drive. (chuckles)

Now, as you can see,

some of you have some catching up to do

if you're going to win that bike.

(sighs)

♪ Beware of the man ♪

♪ With the candy in his hand ♪

♪ Beware of the man ♪

(door shuts) ♪ With the candy in his hand ♪

♪ He's hidin' some ♪

♪ He's hidin' in your neighborhood ♪

Oh!

(growling, barking)

(screams)

(barking)

Oh, no!

(barks)

(shouts)

♪ Beware of the man ♪

♪ With the candy in his hand ♪

♪ Beware of the man ♪

♪ With the candy ♪

(dramatic music playing on TV)

This doesn't make any sense.

I'll tell you what don't make any sense.

Are you watching this television?

No.

Well, you best cut it off, baby.

What's going on?

I got my bank statements.

Aunt Wanda took me to open up an account,

but now there's $25 less than when I opened it.

Hmm.

Let me see.

Oh.

Okay, free checking.

That costs you $10 right there.

(scoffs) That's not fair.

Hmm.

Let me break it down like a fraction.

See, going to the bank is like going to a loan shark.

Only difference is, you get a chance to sit down.

I'm not sure I know what you mean.

See, baby,

the money that you put in the bank,

they're going to lend to a sucker, okay?

They're going to charge him interest.

And the money that that sucker pays back,

you're going to get a tiny, tiny piece

of the money that the bank made,

by lending that sucker your money.

But doesn't that make me a sucker?

You're a bright girl, Nessa.

Lollipop.

(slurps) Whoo-whoo!

(laughs)

This is some bull.

Well, boys and girls,

the candy drive was a huge success...

but now it is time to announce the winner:

(class gasping) the person who sold the most candy

and is going to get the new BMX bike,

and that person is...

Jordan Tompkins!

Whoa! (class cheering)

I won! (game show music playing)

Well, no, I couldn't...

(laughs)

(laughing)

Thank you! Thank you!

And Jordan, not only did you win the contest,

but you've also been named King of the School.

(laughing)

Oh...

FAMILY: My Lord.

Arise, my family.

Actually, Uncle Bernie, you stay down.

What? (cackling)

It's great to be king.

(sighs) I got to stop eating this chocolate.

It gives me really weird dreams.

BRYANA: Am I in trouble?

WANDA: All I know is Uncle Bernie wants to see you

right away.

Okay.

Open your eyes.

Droobie! WANDA: Hello, Droobie,

I'm Wanda. Nice to meet you.

(all chuckling)

I wanted Droobie to come by so that you could see,

baby girl, that we're still good friends, right, Droobie?

I think Droobie likes your Uncle Bernie an awful lot.

So you're not mad at Uncle Bernie

for being mean to you?

No, no. He's not mad,

and all that stuff you saw in the movie...

just make-believe.

That's acting. That's my job. It's not real.

So, do you understand that now, sweetie?

Yes. Good.

Oh.

BERNIE: Hey, Wanda?

Hmm? The way he dance...

He dance kind of, sort of...?

Mm-hmm.

(inaudible) Mm-hmm.

Who is that? I don't know.

I thank you so much, man.

Let me help you. (grunting) No problem.

(pants)

Told you he was white.

Hey, Bernie, man, Huh?

you mind helping me out of this thing?

No, no, man, no problem, no problem.

I really need a smoke, but one spark,

and this thing'll go up like a freaking torch. (laughing)

Hey, Jerry tell me, man, you're doing so well in this thing, huh?

Who knew? I mean, six months ago,

I was delivering bottled water,

and now I'm one of the top ten

recognizable cartoon characters in the world.

(chuckling) It-it is nuts. Wow, you don't say?

Yeah, oh, and you want to hear the weird thing?

Mm-hmm. The women, man.

The women. I meet so many women now,

What? and I can't tell you who,

but one of 'em actually wanted me

to leave the costume on when we... you know.

No... No, I was like, "Damn!"

(laughing)

Who-who was it?

All right, it... it was Christina Applegate.

I figured. I... Mm-hmm.

And the money... Now, I mean, the money is, like, ridiculous.

Mm-hmm. This dragon is a cash cow.

Well, look here, I'm going to help you carry this stuff to the car.

Can you tell me some more? Yeah, yeah, sure, that's perfect, man,

'cause I've really got to motor.

I've got a Pilates class at 4:30.

Is that right? Yeah.

The black women into this stuff?

(grunting)

Get the tail in there.

(grunting)

Get your head in there!

You killed him! You killed Droobie!

Baby girl, it's not the way it looks.

Aunt Wanda, help!

America, I ain't no Droobie killer,

and I can't have baby girl thinking I am.

I need to get Droobie back here,

so I got my man Jerry on the phone setting it up.

Hold on, America.

Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

Say what?

Uh-huh...

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Guess what?

Droobie too busy to see me.

Jerry say he's doing a commercial

and his schedule's real tight.

Oh, I see. Man walking around in a fur suit and a giant head

ain't got no time for Bernie Mac?

Well, that's okay, 'cause if Droobie won't come to me,

then I got to go to Droobie, y'all.

Hey, baby girl, don't you want

to ride up front with your Uncle Bernie?

Droobie Killer.

Well, you want to stay single, don't you?

JORDAN: Hi, Father.

How are you doing today?

Who are you?

Who am I isn't important.

The thing is I have this friend.

So, tell me about this friend.

He was selling candy for the candy drive,

and it hasn't been going too good.

There is no sin in that.

Yeah, but he got sort of frustrated,

and he sort of ate more candy than he sold.

How much more?

A lot.

He doesn't really have any money of his own,

so he was just wondering how big of a deal it would be

if he kind of didn't pay you guys back?

Are you telling me your friend plans to steal

from the Holy Church?

Yeah, if it wouldn't be a big deal.

Well, my little plastic man, I'd tell your friend

that as bad as his punishment would be in this world

for the abomination he has committed,

it would be nothing compared to that which would wait for him

in the hereafter,

doomed to spend his eternity

in the fiery depths of hell

wherein he would wail and gnash his teeth.

Uh, I'm sorry, what was that last part again?

Wherein he would wail and gnash his teeth.

(sighs)

That doesn't sound good. (sniffles)

Candy bar? No.

Candy?

We sell this candy to make money

to support after school programs for underprivileged kids.

These programs keep us off the streets,

out of gangs, and away from drugs.

Ten dollars.

Thank you very much.

Hmm.

(cackling)

(bell rings) You've got to be extra quiet, baby girl,

while they rehearse, okay?

Run, Droobie!

My Uncle Bernie's going to kill you again.

DROOBIE: Hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, what the hell is going on here, people?

I am trying to work here, okay,

and it gets hot inside this stinking Droobie head!

Oh. Hey, there, Bryana.

You're Droobie?

...So by selling these candy bars,

I'm hoping to avoid a dead-end life

of drugs and violence.

How much are they?

Four dollars.

Okay, I'll take one.

Great, 'cause that's all I got left.

Hey, how come it says two dollars?

Oh, that's a misprint.

Being underprivileged, we can't afford to buy

the really nice candy wrappers.

These were wrapped in China.

Have a nice day.

(chuckling)

Why you working our side of the street?

Who, me? No, I was just going home.

You aren't going anywhere, four eyes. Hand over the money.

But... how 'bout we just head over

to one of those after-school programs

that keep you off the street,

and out of gangs, and away from drugs?

What size sneaker do you wear?

Why?

WANDA: They stole your shoes?

And all my money.

Well, sweetie, it's an unfortunate lesson,

but what made you think you could sell candy to people

for double its cost?

I had to make up for what I ate.

Father Cronin said if I didn't,

I was going to go to the fiery pits of hell,

and I'd wail and gnash my teeth.

Well, I think he just said that to scare you.

But why take the chance?

(sigh)

I'm going to sell my Avenger Number 18

to pay back the school.

Okay, I'll go get my keys.

(sighs)

You want me to write you a check?

Would you? Yeah.

You could pay me back... with interest.

You're going to make me pay interest?

But I'm your brother.

Let me break it down, Jordan.

I'm the bank, and you're the sucker.

Here.

That's crazy.

Not for me.

But, with my allowance,

it'll take me a thousand years to pay you back.

Then sell your comic book.

You're evil.

No, I'm a capitalist.

(bell ringing)

Uncle Bernie? Hmm?

Droobie isn't real, is he?

No, baby girl, he isn't...

but the love you have for him is never going to change no matter what,

just like the love your Uncle Bernie has for you

is never going to change. What about Santa Clause,

and the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny?

Are they not real, too?

Sweetheart, they're as real as you want them to be

right inside here. You understand? Yes.

Give me some ice cream.

(laughs)

Kids grow up in ways you can't plan on, America.

Little Dorothy-- she pulled that curtain,

and see-- there's no wizard.

It's just a man.

She grows up right there, right in front of your eyes.

A tiny bit of the little girl she used to be

kind of fades away.

Bryana's growing up.

There ain't no denying that.

Won't be long before she's out of the house,

off to college.

Her room will be empty.

All that space.

I don't know how I'm going to fill it.

Pool table.

Sweet.

Regulation size.

That's corner pocket.

Twine time.

James Brown.

Boogaloo.

Do the splits.

Ladies and gentlemen, Droobie might be mixed.

Trying to give me some tail.

Back in the day...

(laughter)

MAN: Still rolling.

Don't... Still... still rolling. One more time.

Uh, I'm sorry, we're out. (beep)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA