Original subtitles

I know that ain't Mama Lena sitting up in my... in my...

No, no, no, that ain't Mama Lena.

I'll be doggone.

Would you look at this here?

Look at this. Woman, you look so good.

Look at this here. Mwah!

Look like Halle Berry sitting up in my kitchen.

I'll be darn. What's up, baby sis?

Woo, woo, woo. Woo, woo, woo.

Uh-uh... Come on, let me have one.

This is for the cobbler for the reunion.

-Sexy mama. Hey, baby. -Hi, honey.

Hey, who all coming? Crippled Lou coming?

Y'all talk to him?

(laughing)

Now, honey, don't you say that in his face.

You know how he gets.

He fights to kill, darling. He sure does.

I can see him now: "What is...? Hey, what is...? Hey...

"Come on, now, that ain't right.

Don't talk to me like that, huh." Stop.

What about your A-Aunt Sis?

Y'all heard from her? You know she'll be here

trying to sell something and preaching 'bout the Lord.

"Praise Jesus, Bernie."

I can't stand her.

She really don't bother me; it's that no-working

husband of hers, you know.

"I've got some irons in the fire."

(laughing)

What's that, Nessa? It look good.

The firstborn in each family

is making a huge patchwork quilt

for the oldest in the family.

BERNIE: Hmm. Vanessa, it's too bad

your mama couldn't come to the reunion.

Finished.

What about Big Brother? Y'all heard from him?

When he coming? Tomorrow,

and I'm going to tell you something, Bernard.

He better not come up in here trying to regulate.

I'm serious.

I am grown, okay,

and if Carl say one thing to me,

I am going to tell him to kiss my natural black...

Ah, she's just bumping her gums.

She looked up to Big Brother just like I do.

See, when we was coming up, Carl was the man in the house.

His word was the law.

Carl was the one who made me see it was best I take the kids.

He's going to be real proud

when he see how well I done with 'em, too.

Man, there ain't nothing like family.

(door shuts)

Hey, baby.

Hey.

Mama Lena all right?

Mm, who knows?

I can't believe she still isn't talking after all these years.

Uh-huh. Are you sure there isn't anything

physically wrong with her?

Yeah, there's something physically wrong with her.

She's 109 years old.

Shoot, maybe she just don't feel like talking.

Probably wouldn't understand her if she did. (chuckles)

I'm going to get her to talk.

No, you won't. Yes, I will.

No, you won't. Yes, I will.

No, you won't.

Yes, I will.

(grunting)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.

So, you all looking forward to the reunion?

I don't even know half the people

you were talking about,

and now I have to stay in a room with these two

and listen to Dog Breath practice French,

which he sucks at.

Look, y'all listen to me.

This reunion mean a lot to me.

It should mean a lot to you, too.

It's what keep the family together.

It keeps us connected.

And besides, you all ain't seen your Uncle Carl

since you all got here.

You ought to be grateful we got a family...

for all of 'em, including each other, you understand?

Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Mais, bien sûr.

What'd he say?

(scoffs)

He ain't cussing, is he?

Ow!

(giggles)

♪ It's a family affair ♪

♪ It's a family affair ♪

♪ It's a family affair ♪

What's up, you squares?

Mac is here.

Hi, Uncle Bernie.

Hey, baby girl.

I'm baby girl.

You remember David?

BERNIE: Hey, Aunt Sis.

Hey, how you doing, David?

Yes.

I got us some irons in the fire.

Yeah?

I have a little proposition for you.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

We just got here.

Benita, mind yours.

It's not my fault you never got

off the first rung of your pyramid.

So, Bernie, can you see us doing a little...

Excuse me, Aunt. Hey, hey, hey, C-Mac!

B-Mac! Heh, come here, boy.

It is. Look at that. Look at you, man.

Man. What's up, baby?

I'm good, I'm good. How you doing, Bern?

I'm doing great, C. Good, good, good.

Oh, man, C, wait till you see the kids, man.

Doggone it, look, there go Jordan over there.

Hey, hey, Jordan!

I ain't never seen a little boy enjoy butterflies so much.

Oh, man, that boy like all kind of bugs, man:

tarantulas, black widows...

Mm-hmm. Hey, Jord-Jordan!

Come here, son!

C-Come here.

Say something to your Uncle Carl.

Hi, Uncle Carl.

(chuckles)

Comment allez-vous?

Oh, you're speaking French now.

Oui. Uh-huh.

Goes good with the shirt.

You know, America, Carl's just having fun with the boy.

He's a little different, you know, but that's how Jordan is.

See, it's not like Carl's saying it's my fault...

or is he?

(indistinct chattering)

Aren't you Patricia's son Shawntee?

Wow, you have shot up since the last reunion,

all tall and handsome.

I'm Bernie's wife, Wanda.

Oh, yeah. Hey, how you doing?

Good. This is Mama Lena.

Yvette. This is your cousin Vanessa.

You guys haven't seen each other

since you were babies. Hey, what's up, cous?

Hey. I was just about to go

get something to eat-- you hungry? Sure.

(mutters)

Kids just grow up so fast.

Bernie. Yeah?

You're rich, but I'm about to make you rich-rich.

We need to talk.

Come on, l-l-let me eat first, okay?

Oh, to God be the glory.

Thank you. No!

You know Big Mama

taught you to bless your food before you eat.

Kiss it up to God.

Well, well, well,

if it isn't fine-as-wine Wanda Mac-alicious.

Look at you. Boo, ooh, ooh.

Hi, Lou. Hold on.

Brake. (chuckles) Bring it.

(laughing)

Mm, like a bird coming home to the nest.

Aw...

How you doing, Lou?

Surviving... as if you cared.

What's up?

(laughing)

Oh.

America, the man's in a wheelchair.

Some things you've got to let go.

Family.

Hmm.

Yeah. Man.

So, you don't shoot hoops?

Well, what about music?

You watch music videos, don't you?

Uncle Bernie doesn't like us to watch music videos.

There are too many hootchies.

Baby, you okay?

No, not really.

I'm ready to go, Wanda. I'm tired.

Bernie!

Cooking with Bernie Mac's Aunt Sis.

What?

That's the name of our show on the Food Network.

You sprinkle in a few jokes, and I'll do the cooking.

You add the spice, I'll add the flavor.

Hallelujah! Baby, we going to be rolling in the dough.

Rolling in the dough-- get it?

(laughing): Dough?

Listen, I've got a hundred more cooking puns.

No, no, no, not right now, Sis. I made a tape for you.

Come over here.

Come, come.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

He going to get up as soon as he see me coming.

He be acting funny.

That's why I didn't call y'all last time I was in L.A.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

It's like I'm not welcome or something.

Oh, come on, don't be ridiculous.

You're family,

and family is always welcome in our home

whether it's for a beer, a swim,

or whatever.

I don't swim.

We'll put you in an inner tube.

You know what I mean. Thanks, cous.

You welcome.

Lookie, here.

Tonight, after-party at Mac's.

Tonight? Tonight.

(inaudible)

What the hell are you saying?

There's going to be more food?

Yeah, there's going to be some food. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

After-party...

Hey, y'all...

Dance contest, everybody!

Y'all come on! Come on!

Shake it, little girl.

Come on!

Yeah! Yeah!

♪ I used to go out to parties ♪

♪ And stand around ♪

Come on! (cheering)

♪ 'Cause I was too nervous ♪

♪ To really get down ♪

♪ But my body ♪

♪ Yearned to be free ♪

♪ I got up on the floor ♪

And all I'm saying is it seems like you-all moved out here

to California and forgot your roots. (chuckles)

Tell me, what's the boy going to do next, huh?

Dye his hair blond,

start wearing, uh, blue contacts, huh?

stop seasoning his food?

Hey, hey, Jor-Jordan.

Son, why don't we sit this out, okay?

No way. I'm going to win! Jo-Jordan.

♪ Long as you're groovin' ♪

♪ There's always a chance ♪

How do you say "no rhythm" in French, hmm?

He's a kid, Carl, remember?

He's a black kid, Bernie. You remember?

♪ Baby, you dance all night ♪ Come on!

♪ To the-- ♪

I could've said something to Carl,

but I held my tongue,

kind of like Mama Lena.

Home sweet home, that's what I'm talking about.

See your family in five years.

Oh, please. Girl, I'm so glad.

Sweetheart, I am glad.

(engine roaring) (truck honking horn)

(shouting and cheering)

Oh, Lord!

Bern, you gave us an after-party!

(screaming) Oh, yes, come in! (laughing)

(indistinct chattering)

(whispers): Who's that? Hey, Uncle Bernie.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Bernie-Bern, thanks for inviting us, B.

How you doing, Wanda?

Okay. Inviting them where, baby?

I... I-I just told Lou

that family was welcome here anytime.

Come on. I didn't mean it.

Well, you know better then to tell my family,

especially ol' cripple ass.

Shut up. Here he come. Here he come. Well, okay!

..simple hair spray (imitates spraying)

and it rolls sweet.

You know, Bernie, this place ain't very handicapped friendly.

Neither are we.

Ow! Watch the-- ooh.

Let me go hide the liquor,

the cards, and dominoes and stuff.

Where-where you going?

To go hide the jewelry.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

How about if I sent a bus crammed with your relatives

to your house, see how you feel.

Yeah. See, you sweatin' just thinking about it, ain't you?

You know, you're awfully cute. (sighs)

Aunt Sis?

Mm-hmm?

How are we cousins anyway?

Her granddaddy's second wife was your auntie.

Oh, by marriage.

(mutters)

You're putting out chips?

Don't trip. No fat, no salt.

Bust this party right up

before they start getting into my stuff. (chuckles)

Say, Bernie? Yo.

You got a computer

where I can burn some of these CDs?

You got some classics here.

Ooh! Smokey in Tokyo.

Hot damn. You can't find these nowhere.

T-Bone, T-Bone. Hell, no.

You're not stealing my music.

Damn, B.

You done got all brand-new on a brother.

You should be givin' them to me.

What?

Okay, Wesley baby, you just sit here

next to your cousin Bryana.

And Wanda, oh, girl, I am so proud of you and Bernie.

And your house is beautiful.

Oh, thank you, Yvonne.

(laughs)

You know what? Mm-hmm?

I have some clothes that are too small for Bryana

that would fit Wesley perfectly.

Really? Mm-hmm.

And Wesley, what do we say to Aunt Wanda?

Thank you, Aunt Wanda.

YVONNE: Exactly! Thank you, Wanda.

All right, this is why I don't have my degree today. Bam!

Oh, that ain't nothing, that ain't nothing.

That's why you don't got the degree

'cause you don't have this. Bam!

Look at that right there.

Hold on, hold on, wait, wait, wait.

Where'd you-all get these cards from?

Oh, uh, u-under the sink.

Thieving asses.

(stuttering gibberish)

What'd he say?

Why don't you join us for a game, Bernie?

Hah! Bernie join us for spades?

Bernie can't play no cards.

This how you play cards.

Raising it up. Bam!

That's right. I can learn to love you,

but loving just ain't right.

Oh! Oh... no, he didn't.

No, he didn't.

(clock ticks softly)

That some bull.

(coughing)

Those my cigars?

Yeah, but it's too strong, cous.

I've got the... (gibberish)

I hope it choke the hell out of you.

(coughing)

You got the devil in you.

He always has.

(clock ticks softly) (sighs)

It would mean so much to the family

if I could write down some of your earliest memories.

So you want to learn how to walk like a man,

like you're about something?

Heck, yeah.

Well, first of all, if you want to be a real cool cat,

you can't wear your pants all cinched up high like this.

Take that off. Yeah. Yeah, there you go.

Now, pull them down a little bit.

Here you go. Now, tuck that in. Mm-hmm.

Now... now, for the walk.

You got that?

That's what I'm talking about.

You know, God don't like ugly,

and that's just how you're acting

'cause you won't help me with my cooking show!

If you such a good cook,

why don't you cook up a job for your husband?

I've got a few irons in the fire.

I know why you won't help me. Why?

'Cause you want to be

the only superstar in the family, huh? Huh?

To hell with you, Bernard McCullough!

(sighs)

What the hell you all doing? You're cousins.

Uh, Aunt Sis said only by marriage.

(snaps fingers)

I'll talk to you later.

Go on.

Go on.

What's that smell?

(coughing) I know you ain't smoking no reefer in my house, Lou.

Well, technically, I'm smoking on the patio.

Put that reefer out.

You know you can't think straight smoking that stuff.

Is that how you kill... (indistinct)

AUNT SIS: Bernie! Put it out.

Bernie!

Aunt Sis ain't mad no more.

(laughs): I just...

(sniffing)

Mm. You smoking that stuff in here.

Yeah, the devil is busy in here.

The devil is busy in here.

Ooh...

I'm gonna fight you like a man.

Jesus, help me.

Give me the strength to whip his ass.

And if you don't, I'm gonna do it by myself!

He needs this dope. (sighs)

Please, please, Father.

Get the devil out of him!

Ooh, crack, get behind me! Going to heavenly rehab!

Get behind us! Lord, let him live!

That's it. A little...

a little more glide in your stride, son.

Come on now.

Eh, that's what I'm talking about.

Stop it. Go ahead on with your bad self.

What's wrong with your leg? Why you walking like that?

'Cause I'm a straight player, y'all.

(chuckles) Pimp game's notorious.

I know you feel me with both hands, Uncle Bernie.

Boy, pull your pants up and get a belt.

Act like you've got some sense.

Your aunts and uncles are here.

Come on, Uncle B.

Don't hate the player-- hate the game.

(laughs)

That's what I'm talking about.

(laughing)

My man. This is my man here.

I'm just teaching him how to keep it real.

I mean, somebody's got to, Bernie.

Yeah. I see, Carl. Why don't you keep it real,

getting on the bus going back to the Ramada.

That's right.

I want everybody out of my house.

Sis, Peabo, T-Bone, Cripple Lou.

You-all get the hell out of my house!

Whoa, whoa. What'd you call me?

Do it again.

Come on, you want some of this here?

(yells) Ow, ow, ow!

There's about to be a fight!

You see this? Now why don't you just calm down?

Relax, Bernie. Relax.

You're all tense. Tense and every...

No wonder... no wonder these kids

are acting the way they're acting.

(all agreeing) Am I right? Huh? Am I right?

You know what, you might be right on this one, Carl.

Good thing they don't act like you.

If they did, they'd be a sprinter. What?

Yeah, you know, you sure wasn't walking slow, pimping and thing,

when the judge said you could have the kids.

Oh, Jordan, you should have saw your uncle,

the way he took off when the judge said he can have you-all.

He took off, man, so quick,

he shot out before the gun was even shot.

I mean, (stutters) zoom, he was gone.

Speedy Gonzales. Yeah. FAMILY: Oh!

That's right, America.

You might as well know the truth.

See, our sister asked Carl to take the kids,

but he got to court and turned chicken.

All I saw was ass and elbow.

Looked like Carl Lewis.

He was...

WOMAN: Ooh, this is a real nice quilt.

Who...? Who was...?

Was that y'all?

That was Mama Lena.

I want to thank you young people

for taking the time out to make it.

Now, I might not be here for the next family reunion...

Oh, now, stop that.

...so, I want to say this:

Wanda,

thank you for opening up your home to us.

You are a good girl.

Talk a lot though. (woman laughing)

Lou, I'm sorry you're in that chair,

but it doesn't give you license to be an ass.

And stop telling folks you got shot!

Exactly! Everybody knows

you got scoliosis.

Sis...

you can't cook.

(laughter)

Even your husband, David, don't like your cooking.

(scattered laughter)

MAN: He gonna look away, too. Look at that.

And Carl? Where's Carl?

Right here, ma'am.

Now, Carl... Yes, ma'am.

you know Bernie is doing a wonderful job

raising those children.

Don't you, Carl?

Don't you, Carl?!

Yes, ma'am.

Don't make me send you out there for a switch!

(scattered laughter)

Oh, Mam...

Bernie.

Yes, ma'am.

Baby, unlock that liquor and give me a shot of that yak.

(laughter, chatter)

(motor buzzing)

Bye, nephew.

Bye.

David.

Thank you.

All right, baby. All right, baby.

Okay.

(mutters) All right.

Why you got on those high-waters?

'Cause I'm baby girl, not Wesley.

I know who you are.

But you called her "baby girl" at the picnic.

Oh.

(sighs)

Look here.

See, she's a baby girl, but you're my baby girl.

You understand?

Yes.

And Bryana, you got to learn how to share.

That's what family does.

We help each other out.

That's the good thing about being family, you-you understand?

Yes.

Good.

Now go take this tight stuff off

before you lose the feeling in your legs. Go on.

(sighs)

You know, B, you...

doing a good job with those kids,

and this time nobody's making me say that.

Thank you.

Welcome.

♪ Family reunion ♪

There you go, America.

You got to take the good with the bad.

Even though my family got on my last nerve,

I'm already looking forward to the next reunion...

long as it ain't here.

As long as it ain't here.

What was I saying?

Oh, oh, yeah.

Family-- they're everything to me.

♪ Once a child grows up to be ♪

♪ Someone you'd just love to burn ♪

♪ And I love a child ♪

♪ Grows up to be... ♪

I said that, didn't I? Oh.

♪ It's a family affair. ♪ Cut!

(crew laughing)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA