Original subtitles

Jordan, quit playing and eat your breakfast.

Uncle Bernie, you have to chew every bite 40 times.

It's good for you.

You ain't got that kind of time. Now, swallow.

Oh, hi. Hey, babe.

Good-bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, honey, hold on. Come on, now.

Sweetheart, chew your food.

40 times. Hush.

You're always rushing out of here.

Yesterday you rushed out of here,

you left an earring.

The day before, you drove, you had a curler in your hair.

Let me check you out, sweetheart.

All right, honey.

Come on, you got two earrings, you got two shoes,

no curler in your hair, okay, you look good.

Okay, thanks, baby. See you, baby.

Mm.

Yo, baby, what'd you forget?

I forgot my bra!

I could tell.

Shut up.

America, you see that?

Wanda's job got her rushing around.

That's not my style.

I like to take my time.

For instance, I'm going on

The Ellen DeGeneres Show in a few days.

Now, the trick to a great talk show appearance

is having just the right story to tell.

My job is to make it look easy,

but believe me, America, it ain't.

When I'm working on new material,

I have a routine I like to follow.

First, I start by setting up a little reward system for myself.

Today's sandwich is ham and cheese.

Next, I read the paper.

It gets the blood pumping through my brain.

And I follow that up with an inspirational movie,

which gives me a warm, tingling feeling inside.

This feeling helps me create.

(WHISTLING)

Bam.

Bam.

Bam.

Guess I'll start with the sports.

(CRYING)

I love this part.

And finally, it's time to get down to the nitty-gritty

and put your thoughts on paper.

Sometimes, if you take your mind off the task at hand,

take a little break, come back to it,

let it simmer, sit for a while...

BERNIE: You quit your job?

It happened so sudden like.

It's almost shocking.

I know,

but when they gave that Spencer my promotion,

a guy I trained that used to get me coffee...

Yeah, boy, that's some bull.

He a white guy?

Oh, I just snapped,

and before I knew it,

the words were already out of my mouth.

"I quit."

Wow, well...

Well, baby, let me ask you something.

Are you sure?

(CHUCKLES)

No.

But I gave them eight years.

I know.

You know, eight years

of being overworked and underappreciated.

That's far too long.

I wasn't happy anymore.

Honey, I need to be happy.

I know, baby.

Well, look.

Here's to following your bliss, okay?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Mm, that's good.

Yeah, it is.

Want to know what the first thing I'm going to do is?

What's that, baby?

Ooh, I'm going to get out of these shoes.

Well, come on, get out of them.

Ooh, ah...

That feels good, don't it?

Oh, ooh...

Come on, come on, sit up here with me.

Ooh, could you rub them?

Yeah.

You know...

Now that's bliss, honey. Thank you.

Yeah.

It might be kind of nice having you around.

Hey, cool bikes.

I wish I had a BMX.

Check out his glasses strapped to his head.

Hey, Jordan, come home.

Why?

Because Uncle Bernie says

it's time to put the cream on your nipple rash.

Yo, man. You know her?

She's hot.

Vanessa?

That's my sister.

I wouldn't mind meeting her.

Oh, she's not allowed to have boys over.

But, if you were my friends, I could invite you over.

See? I could tell we'd be friends right off the bat.

What's you name, anyway?

Jordan.

Yo, you should hang with us, J.

Well, if I'm really your friend, you'd let me ride your bike.

Big day today, America.

Got a lot of work to do.

Time to get the train rolling.

Today's selection, How Green Was My Valley,

with Maureen O'Hara and Roddy McDowall.

And roast beef.

Where I come from, America, they call this a "sam-ich."

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Dang.

Oh, hi, baby.

I was sitting there. Oh...

That's my drink.

I know, I just need to, um... Wash my sandwich down.

Mm, it is so good.

Wanda, that's my sandwich. Don't worry.

There's, like, three more in the fridge just like it.

But, baby, I had four to help me work.

Doesn't look like you're working to me.

I mean, look, you got the movie, you got the newspaper, please.

Who you trying to fool?

Okay, honey, you know what?

Just come here.

Sit right here and, um, read the paper with me.

Come on and chill-ax.

"Chill-ax."

How am I supposed to chill-ax?

Baby girl makes less mess.

She handles the paper like she got hooves.

That was my sammy, dammy.

Hey, Vanessa, this is my friend Rich.

What's up, ma.

Hey.

What you reading?

Sula by Toni Morrison.

You like to read?

Nah.

So, it's warm out here.

Ah...

Yeah...

Um, what, what was your name again?

Oh, Rich, but, uh, you know,

I was working out over the summer and everything,

so my friends started to call me Diesel.

Oh, well, um, Diesel.

Yeah? Could you possibly

sit somewhere else, 'cause you're blocking my sun.

Sure, no problem.

That's it?

Man, I gave you my best baseball card.

Hey, all I can do is get you in the door.

The rest is up to you.

Honey. Hmm?

I made this for you.

It's an idea board.

I got an idea.

Here's how it goes. You put your rough ideas here

in this column,

and then you refine the ones you like

and then you put them here.

Then if they make the final cut,

bam, good old column three.

(CHUCKLING)

You like it?

You think I don't?

Baby, you're a winner, baby.

Honey, it really works.

(LAUGHING)

That's cute.

Cute's for monkeys.

This is a very effective technique

that you should implement into your system.

The lack thereof.

She's got to go.

America, the woman just can't stop working.

See, she quit her job

and now she's tying to tell me how to do mine.

If Wanda and I are going to coexist

peacefully in this house,

I have to set up some guidelines.

May I direct you to my baby's so called idea board?

Look at this.

But I've changed it and made one of my own.

Number one. Rule number one.

Pay attention, you'll learn something.

Rule number one...

Do not tell me how and when to work.

That's very important.

Rule number two... Do not drink my pop.

You all saw her drinking my pop, over and over again.

Number three...

Do not eat my sandwiches.

And I repeat, do not...

Hey, Bernie, how's it going?

Hey, Ellen, how you doing? I'm good.

Ladies and gentle, Ellen DeGeneres.

You all know her.

Oh, hey, how you doing?

Uh, what's going on?

Is this your thing you're going to do on the show?

No, no, this is, my wife put together.

You know me better than that.

You know, I do a little something.

Sure.

You know what I was thinking you might do,

'cause I'm not going to do anything with it?

People say "koo-pon," or some people say "que-pon."

And it's, I don't know if that's anything.

You could do "koo-pon," or "que-pon."

I don't know if that...

It's not too European, it's not too...

I don't know, I mean, it's just something...

'Cause that doesn't seem real funny right there, so...

Well, no, it's not funny.

It's not, because it's hard for me to be funny

because Wanda, she's all, got me all clogged up.

She's all in my mix right now.

You know how comics work.

I'm sorry that she's got you clogged.

Yeah, yeah.

WANDA: Bernie?

See what I'm saying, Ellen?

Hold this and talk to

America, she's going to talk to you for a minute.

I'll be... Yeah, baby? Yeah?

Yeah?

Hey. America.

How are you?

Hello, America.

I don't know how to leave.

I guess I just talk to you until...

I guess he's talking to Wanda.

America...

We need to talk.

Okay, but first, let's eat.

What's all this?

Lunch.

But, baby, I'm... Well, I count five courses.

Oh, well, you know how I get.

I had to channel that work energy somehow.

Sit.

Baby, I'm going to need

a oyster spoon and some hot sauce.

I guess I did get carried away.

Hot sauce.

Couple of things, America.

I...

Hey, Bernie.

Hey, Ellen.

I was just, uh,

America was still here when you walked out,

and I, I thought I'd talk to them some...

You, you can talk to America.

No, no, I'm going to... I'm going to go.

Hey, I'll see you on the show.

Look forward to seeing you.

Yeah, Ellen. All right.

See, I got make some more rules.

Rule number four: don't sit in my chair.

(KNOCKING)

This had better be worth it. Oh, it is.

It's my sister and her friend,

and she's a cheerleader.

(SCOFFS)

(TELEVISION PLAYING)

Diesel, is that you?

Uh...

Hi, Vanessa.

Um, is the one with the really

cute body that you were telling me about?

Hey, why don't you come sit down?

No... closer.

Who's your, um... really hot friend?

Yeah.

Um... K... K... Kenny.

Well, hey, K-dog, why don't you sit right here?

You know, um,

we were waiting for our boyfriends,

but they couldn't make it,

so do you think you guys could, um, take us out?

Yeah.

(MOUTHING NO)

Oh, I-I...

Great.

But, uh, first we have to make sure you're good kissers.

Oh, yeah.

We'd love to, but, uh...

We have go finish our homework.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, so I overreacted a little.

Having them around isn't all bad.

♪ Doesn't take much to make me happy ♪

♪ And make me smile with glee ♪

♪ Never, never will I feel discouraged ♪

♪ 'Cause our love's no mystery ♪

♪ Demonstrating love and affection ♪

♪ That you give so openly, yeah ♪

♪ I like the way it makes me feel... ♪

Hey, what do you think about

The Ellen DeGeneres Show right here?

Mmm... I was thinking about something a little more...

funkier, you know.

Something like... like this.

Oh, that's nice. Real nice. Yeah.

With a nice little jacket.

Yes. All right.

Okay, good.

Honey, what do you think about me starting my, uh,

my own business?

Oh, you talking about going back to work already?

You only been unemployed for a minute.

I mean, we still got a lot of baths to take, baby.

I know.

But you were right, you know?

I'm... I don't do good

with being off and I get a little antsy.

Besides, I know I can get more clients

than I can possibly handle.

I just need an office.

What you need an office for?

You can work in the den.

Get you and desk, we'll work side-by-side like Whitney and Bobby.

Ooh.

I got you some strawberry margarita

for a soul sister-rita. Here you go.

Uh, honey, I'm working.

I need to contact my old clients to test the waters.

Come on, let's test the water in the Jacuzzi, baby, come on.

I'm sorry, baby, I'm busy.

Come on, baby, today On Golden Pond.

Come on, Wanda.

Bernie, if I'm gonna work from home

we have to have some guidelines.

Okay. Okay, number one:

please don't interrupt me while I'm working.

And two: please don't bring alcohol while I'm working.

How come when I work and she can come and rip my clothes off,

but when she's working, it's serious business?

Treat me like I'm a piece of meat.

America, player to player, I feel cheap.

So, uh, what happened with Vanessa?

Ah, I wasn't feeling her no more.

Plus, she not even that cute close up.

Yeah. Yeah.

Shut up. That's my sister.

Yeah, if she would have played her cards right,

I'd be your brother-in-law.

Except she doesn't like mental patients.

You want to read a book?

Oh, what's a book?

Oh, you want to kiss?

No, no, I'm scared.

Kindergarten: longest three years of your life.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Let me go. Ow!

(SNIFFING)

Baby, you stopped up?

No.

(CLICKING)

Wanda, please.

What?

I can't concentrate with you making all that noise.

Thank you.

Come on, now, Wanda.

Honey, I'm just opening a letter.

Well, a loud-ass person must have sent it

because that's some loud-ass mail.

Look, let me get out of here.

I-I can't concentrate.

(SIGHING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Baby, whatcha gonna do, follow me from room to room making all that noise?

What are you talking about? You're the one that said I could work in your den.

That's before I knew you made more sound than a 50-piece orchestra.

Where you pick up that Tourette's from, huh?

That snort, snort, click, click, honk, honk.

I can't work like that.

You are such a baby.

Sweetheart, I'm sitting on the couch with Ellen in two hours.

I got to get my thoughts together, okay?

Oh... I see.

So, uh, when I'm cooking or rubbing your back

you don't have any trouble in getting your thoughts together?

I didn't say that. Yes, you did.

So now that I'm busy

you want to act like a spoiled brat.

I do not.

You know what? Whatever.

First thing tomorrow I'll go get my own space.

Why do you got to wait? Why don't you do it now?

Why don't you read through the paper, the classified,

if you can get through all the mayonnaise.

Seriously, so why can't you

just stay out of each other's way?

I mean, you're a man of... you got the dough now.

You have a big... you got to have a huge house.

BERNIE: You know Wanda,

she just doesn't understand how it works.

Comedians, we work different.

You know that. I know that.

You know, I work when I'm napping. Sure.

That's when my jokes are percolating.

That's right.

How could she not understand that?

It wasn't always like that.

She used to pick my clothes up when I was doing the clubs.

She used to come there and watch me.

Before we got married we had fun.

Now, seem like everything is just being on hold now.

You know, I should have married a white woman.

You know, I remember we was struggling,

we had a couch, Ellen.

We didn't have much, but that couch was ours.

I remember that couch. We even played.

Yeah?

Personal play.

(LAUGHING)

Yuck.

Yeah. Time for bed.

That's when I was younger, you know.

That's when I was younger.

You know, we just sleep on it now.

Big difference.

Boy, Wanda was really there for me.

I mean, we just sit on the couch

and we shared each other's dreams.

She used to tell me about how she wanted to be president

of a Fortune 500 company.

And I would always tell her how I want to be a famous comedian.

I miss those days, Ellen.

Me, too.

I brought you some margaritas.

So you're not mad at me anymore? No.

Now that I know why you were acting like a baby.

I miss you, too.

Just let me know when you need some attention.

Thank you, baby.

You're welcome.

Like old times.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Guess who got a call today from West Coast Wireless?

Who could that be? That'd be me.

Seems like someone's presence is sorely missed

and they want me

to hear their proposal in the morning.

What'd you say, baby?

Mmm. I told them I was deaf

unless it include Senior V.P. and all the perks.

They didn't blink.

Congratulations, sweetheart.

Thank you, honey.

Mmm, baby.

Hmm?

Can I have some attention?

Yeah.

Slide back, woman.

Okay.

All around.

Oh, that's the best. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, that's the best. You been walking a long time?

Just like Harriet Tubman.

Just like her.

Just like her.

What that mean?

What?

What you smelling?

You feel light-headed?