Original subtitles

Who makes the best hamburgers in the world?

Royal Burger!

Think again, boy.

Uncle Bernie!

That's right, baby girl.

A little cheese over here.

Okay, where are the pickles?

Jordan,

how many times I tell you about

bringing bugs into the house?

But it's a stagmomantis carolinus.

His name is Fred, and he's my friend.

Ain't you got other friends you can play with, boy?

Yeah, I got John Lennon, the beetle, in my room.

Well, put Fred in there with the rest of them. Go on.

America, what am I supposed to do with this boy?

When I was his age, we were fighting

to keep the bugs out of the house.

Making me itch.

Shoot.

Y'all itching?

(Bernie whistling)

Hey, honey.

Hey, baby, what's for dessert?

Uh-uh. That's for Vanessa and her friend.

Oh, come on, baby.

You keep treating her friends,

they ain't gonna never stop coming over here.

Honey, be nice.

It's a boy. His name is Reggie.

Hold on. You haven't met him?

No.

You know his parents?

No.

Where do they live at?

In California. Is he white?

Here we go, America.

See, I'm supposed to be nice.

Wanda don't see 'em like I do.

Watch this.

Right here.

This is how Wanda sees them.

Now this is what I see.

Varsity, dope-smoking.

Junior Varsity, crack.

Hold on.

Wanda.

Me.

"Grand Theft Auto Team.

Most Likely to Get Your Daughter in the Family Way."

You see that, huh?

Well, I don't think so.

America, I don't think so.

Honey, relax.

Vanessa has a good head on her shoulders.

I don't care.

I'm still running a check on the boy.

Honey, you don't even know his last name.

What last name?

Baby, we're going to get through this.

Trust me.

Honey, do you wear those shoes over there?

No.

Okay, good.

Hey, hey, hey.

Wanda, Wanda, what you doing, baby?

Oh, honey, honey, I need the space.

No. What you need to do

is give some of these shoes to the homeless.

That's what you need to do.

I can't give none of these shoes to the homeless.

Why not?

Because the homeless don't need

to walk around in high heels.

What?

They can walk around in these.

Thank you. Uh-uh. Don't. Uh-uh.

Ooh! Wow, man, this house is dope.

Yeah, it's okay.

You want to watch TV?

Yeah. Sure.

Oh.

This is my brother Jordan,

and that's his friend Fred.

What's up, Jordan?

Wassup, Fred?

Fred says, "Wassup?"

No, he doesn't.

Uncle Bernie wants you.

What now?

Not you. You.

He's in the den. Good luck.

The den's at the end of the hall.

You want me to go with you?

No, no, that's okay.

I can handle it.

Fred says, "Good luck."

Yeah.

(suspenseful music)

Hi.

That way.

(suspenseful music)

Uh... sir, you wanted to see me?

I want to see you, Reggie.

I didn't say you could sit down, Reggie.

Have a seat, Reggie.

What are you two rascals doing?

Vanessa's friend is in there with Uncle Bernie.

We're trying to get the scoop.

Hey, you two know better than that.

You shouldn't be listening in on other people's business.

Now, scat.

Let's get to the meat.

What kind of drugs you like, Reggie?

Uh... None, sir.

What do you like to steal?

Uh... nothing, sir.

How often do you disrespect women?

Not at all.

You like James Brown?

Yes.

Complete this lyric.

"Sold me out..."

"For chicken change."

(Bernie laughing)

(both laughing)

I didn't say you could laugh, Reggie.

Friends, Romans, players, America...

lend me your ears.

All right, let's cut through the crap.

Doggone it, thumbs down.

Case closed. Feed him to the lions.

Vanessa ain't dating no boys.

Straight up on the real.

Straight up.

(pop music playing)

Stay tuned for Justin Timberlake's

world premiere video, coming up next.

So, Jordan, you sure Fred's still alive?

I haven't seen him move in a while.

I can hear him breathing.

That's good news.

I can hear you breathing,

and that's not good news.

Now, get out of here.

Let me just watch this music video.

Justin Timberlake can dance.

That's just some old Jackson Five moves.

He's copying the way Michael Jackson sings, too.

No way. J.T. is an innovator.

He has all his own stuff.

♪ Eee, hee, hee. ♪

That's J.T. all the way.

Jordan, trust me.

Look, I'll bring you some old Jackson Five CDs, okay?

You'll see what I'm saying.

Justin Timberlake is straight jackin' the old school.

All right, bring it in.

I want to hear the old school.

Would you look at that?

If this boy can get Jordan interested in old school,

who knows what's next?

Sports, girls, friends--

and all of it's bug-free.

He sure would be good for Jordan.

Too bad Nessa's too young to have a boyfriend.

(crowd yelling)

America, stay the lions.

I say, let the man live.

Nessa's too young to have a boyfriend,

but she's not too young to think she has a boyfriend.

Oh... I'm a wise king.

I might have to get me a bigger crown.

Get some new pillars in here.

Some new servants.

Jordan, what's up?

Nothing. Just trying to hit an old wasp nest down

so I can analyze it.

Oh. Well, hey, I brought you some Jackson Five CDs.

Cool.

Whoa! You hit that far.

Aw, it's just a pebble.

Hey, you ever been to the cages?

I don't have any idea what you're talking about.

The batting cages.

Still nothing.

Look at your target.

Swing.

Reggie Jackson-- my main man.

What's up, baby?

His name is Reggie Daniels.

I was just telling Jordan about the batting cages.

And I want to go.

What? You want to go

to the batting cages?

Boy, I'll take you right now.

I'll start the car. You throw him in.

Okay. I'm just going to go get Vanessa.

What you going to get Nessa for?

Oh, that's right.

Ohh!

Dang, boy, you got a cork in that bat?

That was cool!

I want to hit a home run just like Reggie.

Someday, son.

Someday.

Oh! He did it again.

BOTH: Reggie! Reggie! Reggie! Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!

You hear that, America?

He wants to hit a home run.

He used a baseball term.

This is good.

Real good.

Yeah! That a boy!

Way to go!

That was because I changed my stance.

Thanks, Reggie.

Can we go now?

Come on. Chillax, Nessa.

I didn't know you were that selfish.

Reggie going to show him

how to choke up on the bat, and bunt.

Right, Reggie?

Wouldn't want to ruin Jordan's good time.

You probably didn't catch it, America,

but I know that look.

Her eyes get all squinty.

Her nose twitches like it smells something bad.

Oh, she's onto it.

She's going to send my Reggie away. Yep.

Bend your knees a little bit.

Put the bat in between your...

Hold on a minute.

Reggie, come out here

and show Nessa how to swing a bat.

Okay.

Give her a free lesson.

Show us how it's done.

See? Now, you...

Reggie. Reggie. Your hands. Hands!

Sorry.

Reggie, Reggie, Reggie. (clears throat)

Back up. Back up.

Separate.

Just tell her how to do it.

Separate.

Back up.

Separate!

Depart. Depart!

Tell her how to do it over there.

She can hear you.

E-mail her. E-mail her.

Okay, Bryana, this is a tough one, okay?

On my left foot,

I have a four-inch black patent leather

high heel with a pointy toe.

You see that?

And on my right foot,

I have a four-inch black leather high heel

with a very pointy toe.

Now which one goes in the keep pile,

and which one goes in the giveaway pile?

I like them both.

Yes.

A girl with good taste.

(laughs)

I do, too.

How about Blade of the Baby-sitter?

Now, that movie is mad scary.

You sure you can handle it?

I think so.

Hmm.

Well, I'll protect you.

(scary music on TV)

BERNIE (falsetto): ♪ If I ever lose you ♪

♪ Hey... ♪

Hey. What's up, Mr. Mac?

My main man, Reggie.

Hold on. Y'all about to get you a movie on?

Hold on. Hey, Jordan!

We're getting ready to watch

Blade of the Baby-sitter.

No, no, no. Not tonight.

That boy can't watch that movie.

He'll be pissing on hisself for a whole month.

Jordan!

What's up, dawg?

Hey, little Bernie Williams.

Yankees, right? (chuckles)

(both whistle)

(Bernie laughs)

That's nice.

Move over, move over. Spread out.

Yeah, this is nice.

So what movie should we watch?

Come on over, Nessa.

(sniffles, whimpers)

(sniffling continues)

It's all right to cry, boys.

There's only three movies a man's allowed to cry on.

One:

It's a Wonderful Life.

(inhales sharply)

Two: Brian's Song.

(sniffling, sobbing)

(sobbing): And three:

any movie with Cicely Tyson in it.

(all sobbing)

Vanessa, could you bring some tissue back?

The soft one. The one with aloe vera in it.

(grunts)

Thank you.

(sobbing continues)

Hey, baby. Hey.

You seen Nessa and Reggie?

Reggie said we're gonna toss around the old pigskin.

You hear that? "The old pigskin."

Well, I've seen Vanessa, but I haven't seen Reggie,

and you two won't either.

She broke up with him.

What?

Mmm. Too bad, huh?

Yeah, and I liked him.

Liked him?

I loved him.

(voice cracks): Fred's gonna be heartbroken.

(sobbing)

Come on, the boy handsome.

Smart. He funny.

Then you go out with him.

What's wrong with you, Nessa?

I let you have a boyfriend,

and you go and break up with him.

Because he spent all his time with you and Jordan.

Oh, you ought to be glad

he liked your brother, and he respects his elders.

Look, it's not like he's the only guy

I'm ever going to meet.

Oh, yes, it is.

You can't date any boy you like.

Not while you're living under my roof.

You think about it, Nessa.

That might've been your last one ever.

You might've just ruined your last true chance at happiness.

(sighs)

Like that?

That's reverse psychology.

That's regular psychology, but in reverse.

She'll do what I want and think it's her idea.

Poor Nessa.

She's probably gonna run back to Reggie so doggone fast,

she'll probably knock him over.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Only if you say we're back together.

We're back together.

Now, I'm not a toy, Vanessa.

You can't just play me.

No, for real.

But, this time, there's gonna be some new rules.

Hey, you can stop tipping.

I thought you was gonna give some shoes away, baby.

Honey, I did.

I gave away a huge box to the Salvation Army.

So, what's all this, Wanda?

Well, I was pulling out of the parking lot,

and I realized that I gave away a pair of my Jimmy Choos

that go with my gray pantsuit.

You know, the one that you like?

What gray pantsuit I like?

Right. So I had to replace them.

Why you just didn't go back in there and get them?

You want me to wear used shoes?

(scoffs): I can't talk to you.

Nessa!

I know you ain't got no boy in there!

Reggie?

Reggie.

Reverse psychology in action.

Hey. I was just, uh, showing Vanessa

how to download music.

It's for Jordan.

We're burning him a CD,

'cause he really needs to move on

from Droobie's Magic Disco.

You hear that, America?

They're doing it for Jordan.

We're all doing it for Jordan.

There's something special

when family members come together for a single purpose.

Oh, it's something special.

All right, continue, but leave the door open.

I don't know why you so suspicious, baby.

Nessa happy, Jordan happy, I'm happy.

That's why I'm suspicious.

Why are you so happy?

'Cause I'm all about the kids.

If you wasn't so busy with your shoes,

you could see that.

Oh, I'm-a let that go. See, I know you.

You're trying to change the subject

from Vanessa's boyfriend.

Nessa ain't got no boyfriend, baby.

What's Reggie?

Reggie's the reason Jordan ain't playing with no bugs,

and now enjoying himself at the batting cage.

Now, if Nessa want to think she got a boyfriend,

that's because I ain't adopted him yet.

Okay, you know what?

Vanessa's clever, okay?

She's almost a little you.

So don't be surprised if she outsmarts you.

Sweetheart, I ain't worried about that.

Even if she figured me out, what's she gonna do?

Why you didn't do my side?

Why I didn't do...?

Why you gotta be so rough?

I'm not rough, Wanda. I'm not.

Good grief. Damn.

And scoot over.

Scoot over where? To the edge.

Hold on, baby, get your foot off me. What's going on?

Well, scoot over, then. You're too close.

Hold on. I'm not gonna be tolerating this.

I've been too lenient. You ain't been...

Uh... I think it needs

another scoop of ice cream, don't you, Reggie?

Hmm. Yes. Absolutely.

And more hot fudge.

We'll handle this.

You just finish your nachos.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, we're just fixing Jordan

an ice cream sundae.

And don't be shy with the whipped cream.

Yeah. And, after this,

Reggie's gonna teach Jordan how to do the backstroke.

Is that right?

I like it.

Yeah, I like it.

Mmm.

What's better, ice cream or boobies?

Yeah, I agree.

Hey, Jordan.

What you doing?

Talking to Fred.

I thought Reggie gonna teach you

how to do the backstroke?

He is. He said I have to wait

at least an hour though after I eat.

Otherwise I might cramp up and die.

Where are they now?

In the back, I guess. Vanessa's wearing a bikini.

Whatcha all doing?

Nothing.

You know the good thing about doing nothing?

You can do it just about anywhere.

Like at your own house.

You can probably do it without no teeth, too. Want to see?

Huh?

Separate.

That's right.

The player don't get played.

I'm a grown man, America.

Two children trying to play me. Hah!

She's gonna date behind my back,

in front of my face, drinking my punch?

Uh-uh. I don't think so, Ray-Ray.

I don't care how good he is for Jordan.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I am happy.

He was a nice guy, and I liked him.

I liked him, too.

Then why did you chase him away?

Because, Nessa, you too young

to have a boyfriend, and that's final.

Maybe, in ten years, you'll be ready.

Ten years?

Okay, 11.

12 if you keep talking.

Well, all I know now is that neither one of us has Reggie.

What's wrong with you?

I ate too much ice cream, and now my stomach hurts.

Come on and get your pills.

Did you know Justin Timberlake

stole all his moves from Michael Jackson?

Shoot! You know Michael Jackson

stole all his moves from James Brown?

No way. James Brown is too old.

What? What?

(whimpers)

Come on. Get your pill.

(groans)

Ow.

Shut up.

Don't worry about me, America.

I'll get over Reggie.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

We'll always have the batting cages.

Here's looking at you, Reggie.

(praying mantis chirping)

And then me and you gonna turn.

We gonna look at each other then...?

No, no, no. One here.

I'm gonna go (chirping)

Then we hear, we gonna...

Okay.

Yeah! Yeah! (whooping)

(chirping)

(chirping)

(chirping loudly)

(praying mantis chirping)

Yeah! (chirping) (praying mantis chirping)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA