All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S03E05.Hair.Jordan.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

WANDA: Okay, hurry up.
You know what kind of mood

Twan gets in
when we're late.

See you, baby.

Alright, you girls have a
good time.

Bye, Uncle Bernie.

Oh, ho-hold on, man.

Pump the brakes.
Where you going?

I don't have time for questions.

I can't keep Twan waiting.

I'm getting my hair done.

"Done"!
Men don't get their hair done.

They get it cut.

Edged. Lined up.

Back in the '80s, sloped,
but never done.

Hell, no.

Baby, it's time
this boy get his haircut

at a real barbershop.

WANDA:
Twan is real.

He keeps my scalp soft.

I think it's the aloe vera.

Come on, come on,
come on now, baby.

No, man, don't
no real barber

work in no
damn salon.

Real barber put rubbing alcohol
on your head,

witch hazel-- stuff that hurt.

Why's everything you like
always have to hurt?

Look here, look here, Wanda,
I'm serious.

It's time for this boy

to start hanging around
some men.

Now, I'm talking about men
that name ain't Twan.

Now, you getting
your haircut

at Earl's Barbershop,
and that's it.

Sorry, sweetie.

Come on, girls.

Instead of
watching the game,

we'll go get your haircut.
Come on.

Get on in there.
Ow!

For those of you all
that don't know,

in our community,
a barbershop's

an important place
for a young boy.

See, it's where men talk sports,
politics and community,

where wisdom get passed down.

So I might have been raised
by Big Mama,

but the barbershop
where I learned

how to be one of the fellas.

That's where you learn how to
put a little bass in your voice

when you're talking smack,
or when you're sitting a cut

and break down
what a brother's saying.

You be up there, "Yeah, yeah,
that's kinda deep, yeah."

What's up, you squares?!

Hey! Looky here!
Ho-ho!

Ha-ha! Bernie Mac!

What's up, dude?

Oh, man,
I'm doing good, man.

What's up, man?

Moey, Deke, Wayne.

I ain't scared of you.
I ain't scared of you.

Hey, hey, Earl,
look here, man.

This is my little
nephew, man.

I brought him down here,
I want him to get all edged up,

and I want him
to hang out
with the fellas

time for him
to learn something.

Yeah. Well, have a seat
over there, Jordan,

Wayne'll be free next.

WAYNE:
What's up,
little man?

What's up, Earl?

Oh, man, I'm looking good,
feeling good. You know
what I'm saying?

JORDAN: Jump his king!
Jump his king!

No! No! Why'd
you do that?

I was winning this time!

What's wrong with you?

Get this kid away
from the table!

Take your kid
and discipline him.

J-Jordan, Jordan,
you don't never touch the board

in the middle of the game.

These guys are serious.

They'll cut you
from hole to hole.

I'm sorry, Deacon.

You know, that's why
I'm bringing him down here.

He need to hang out with us,

you know
what I mean?

Yeah, okay.

BERNIE:
What I was saying,

though, Earl, man,
I remember, man,

the day, man, we
came up in here.

Remember that
Christmas party...?

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
man, put that down!

Uh, Jordan...
Put that down!

Little man...
Jordan!

(men yelling)

Put it down.

Don't be doing that.
I was watching something.

Thank you.

JORDAN:
Wow, look at
all these famous people.

They all get
their haircut here?

Yeah, man.

Shoot, look here.

Right here--
Colin Powell, man.

You got Cornel West.

Is that you, Uncle Bernie?

Wow. Would you looky there,
looky there?

Earl.
Mmm?

You know, Earl was only one
I let touch my hair

back in the day.

Yeah, that was
before you got a
personal stylist.

That's bull.
I offered you the job first.

You told me
you couldn't leave the shop.

Hey, of course not, all right?

My granddaddy's bank
on this shop.

♪ Well. ♪

Yeah,
then my daddy's bank.

♪ Right on ♪

Now, my bank.

Yeah, I been hearing that.
How long you been hearing
that, Wayne?

Since the first day I got here.

Hey, look
at that now.

That's what
I'm talking...

All right.

Throw it down.
Throw it down!

(men groaning and yelling)

That's a foul,
and you know it!

(yelling continues)

Don't start
that now.

Don't start the cussing.

I'm going to put your ass
out of here.

Uh-oh, uh-oh!

You don't tell me
how to talk.

Are they going to fight,
Uncle Bernie?

No, c-come,
come here.

They're not
about to fight.

They're just
talking junk.

That's what men do.

That's how
we have fun.

I want you to listen.

You'll learn
something, okay?

What you gonna do to 'em, Earl?

You see how scared that boy got,
America?

He probably squirted
a few drops.

But see, that's why
I brought him down here--

to show him how men express
themselves-- loud, aggressive.

It's good for him.

Put hair on his chest.

Get those stones to drop.

Huh. The barbershop.

I've got to say, girls,

we are hot.

Yes, we are.

(laughing)

Thanks, Aunt Wanda.

Oh, you're welcome, babies.

Let's go.

(beeping)

Wha-What was that?

The house beeped.

There isn't
any smoke,

so, it must be broken.

We need Uncle Bernie.

Ladies, we may look fabulous,

but we are also three
intelligent, independent women.

There is nothing
that we need a man to do

that we cannot do for ourselves.

You're right.

Exactly.

So, it's probably
uh, a battery.

We just need a ladder.

Ooh, the beeping! Oh!

Be careful
because I'm tender-headed.

I find that a nice scalp massage
really helps.

Be slow around the temples,

and I'll have
to release some tension.

Boy, shut up, man.

He ain't used to no real
barbershop, you know?

Don't worry about it,
little man.

I'm gonna hook you up
with some waves

so your girlfriend
can play with them.

Girlfriend? I'm only ten.

When I was ten,
I had a girlfriend

for every day of the week.

Watch out, man.
Watch out.

(laughing)

Earl, that's because
in Alabama,

just being able to read,
you could get a girlfriend.

But fifth grade girls now--
too sophisticated.

Amen!
(chuckling)

Little man,
all you really need to do

is get on a team.

Then the girls
come lining up.

Well, I'm already
being recruited

for the junior high
science team.

But I don't want to go metric
too early.

Son, he ain't talking
about that kind of team.

See, sports
really ain't his thing.

You know, he got asthma.

Oh.

Uncle Bernie says
I have the lungs
of a butterfly,

which is funny,
because butterflies

don't even have lungs.

They breathe through their skin
like this.

(men laughing)
BERNIE: Settle down. Come on.

Calm down. Come on.
Come on. Sit up.

You know, Jordan,
you're pretty smart.

I bet you'd make
a good scientist,

like George Washington
Carver.

You know,
he invented peanut butter.

A black man.

Or Benjamin Banneker,

made the first
working clock in America.

A black man.

You just keep it up.
(chuckling)

Let me tell you how
smart this boy is.

The other day...

That was unfair!
He pushed him!

Good call, little man!
Yeah, he did push him.

It was?

It sure was
a good call, J.

Push him?
He ain't touched him.

What is y'all talking about?

You're crazy!
He pushed him!

(all arguing)

WANDA:
Honey, you would be proud.

The smoke alarm had
a little wiring problem,

and we girls fixed it.

You mean to tell me
you got involved

with some wires?

(doorbell ringing)

(doorbell ringing)

Baby, why don't you just...?

There must be
a cross-wiring problem,

and I will fix it after dinner.

A do-rag?

Helps my waves come in.

Boy, take that thing
off your head right now.

This ain't BET.

Act like
you got some sense.

Ooh, grape juice.

You know what they say.

"The darker the berry,
the sweeter the juice."

Okay. And... where
did you get that from?

The barbershop.

Hmm. Did the guys talk

about anything else
at the barbershop?
(whispering) No Jordan!

Animals and stuff.

Have you heard it's
the poor rat

that only has one hole
to run into?

And then we talked

about sports.

Okay. Sports
is a good conversation

for a boy your age.

Like how the first thing
an NBA rookie gets

is a new car and a white girl.

(silverware clattering)

We ain't mad at him, though.

Oh, but I'm mad
at you, though.

That's how the white man
get his money back.

(whispering):
Up.

(whispering)

What? I can't hear you.

I can't hear you.

WANDA:
Bernie!

WANDA:
Bernie!

You got me in trouble.

So, that's how
they get their money.

All right, so the boy
still got a lot to learn.

I've taken him down there

and exposed him
to the world of men.

Now, his next lesson
is to learn the code.

All you men know
what I'm talking about.

For instance, there's stuff
that we don't say around women

because it's too raw.

Now, what if he repeated
what I said about, uh...

No, no, no, no.

The Mac man ain't gon' slip up,
no, sir.

I know when the code's
in full effect,

and soon, the boy will, too.

..111, 112...

Uncle Bernie,
do you see any waves coming in?

No, boy. Quit
brushing your hair

before you brush
a groove into it.

You start looking
like E.T.'s cousin.

(chuckles softly)

Listen, Jordan, I want to
talk to you for a minute.

You know, son, I'm glad
you enjoyed yourself

down at the barbershop.

But, Jordan, you can't
be repeatin' stuff

that you hear down there.

Why not? It's good stuff.

It sure is.

But, see, that's what men do.

We get around each other,

we say things
we can't say around women.

You know,
it's not because we're scared.

Well, maybe Deke is.

You know, Deke's woman's so big,
she can change the tides.

(laughs)

So, from now on,

whatever you hear
down at the barbershop,

stays at the barbershop.

You got it?

Got it.

Okay, buddy.

Go on and brush
your hair, man.

130... no.

One,

two, three, four...

WANDA:
Screwdriver.

VANESSA:
Screwdriver.

All right.

Hook thing with a squiggly edge.

Hook thing.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, what are y'all doin'?

I uncrossed the wire
and that infernal

beeping came back.

And, no, I don't need your help.

She's getting a little crazy.

She wanted to tie a rope
to my leg

and send me up there.

WANDA:
Is that little
quitter talking?

Ha, ha. I got it.

I told you.

Oh, and, uh, honey...

can you put the ladder away?
Thanks.

Hey, baby.

Hey.

What you doin'?

Enjoying the quiet.

The blissful nothingness
of a non-beeping house.

Well, go on
and get your bliss on.

Jordan and I are going
down to the barbershop.

I thought Jordan
got his haircut yesterday.

Haircut got nothin' to do

with goin' down
to the barbershop, baby.

Oh, so, what do you guys do
down there all day?

I don't know.
What do you women be doin'

down there all day
at the beauty salon?

Nothin'...

Well, we do nothin', too.

You got your world.
We got ours.

Yeah, well, you just make sure

Jordan doesn't bring nothin'
home from your world.

Yeah, okay.

(beeping)

(beeping continues)

(groans):
Ooh, it taunts me.

Baby, why don't you just...?
Honey, I don't need your help.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Girls!

(beeping)

♪♪

♪ You are my pride and joy ♪

Hey. All right.
(light applause)

...Jordan.

Look-it there.
Oh, yeah.

♪ You've got kisses
sweeter than honey ♪

(laughing mischievously)

(men laughing)

♪ You are my ♪

You got a good
kid there, Bernie.

Yeah. I got to admit, Earl,
Yeah.

I was a little worried at first
about him fitting in.

Oh.
But he gonna fit in just fine.

Look at him.
Oh, little man?

Oh, little man's great.

Yeah, he is great.

Smart.

He's funny.

He's inquisitive.

I mean, he can figure out
any damn thing,

Earl, I'm telling you.

Computers, puzzles, you name it.

Yeah?

Look at you,
you got your chest all out.

Yeah?
Yeah.

I'm proud, Earl.

That's my little man.

BERNIE:
That's when I found out

airport security don't play,
baby.

(all laughing)

Tell them about the time

when we found the raccoon
in the attic.

Oh, oh, dig this here.

Come here.
Come here, son.

Little man, you tell 'em.

Listen, listen, listen.

So, we heard this noise
in the attic, right?

And I thought it was a ghost,

but Uncle Bernie said,
"There's no such thing!"

So, then he sent Aunt Wanda
to go see what it was.

And then-- Bam!-- out from
the attic, into the kitchen,

jumps this huge raccoon.

It was like, (hissing),
and I'm like, (screams).

Ooh! "Oh, Lord!" And then...

(men chuckling)

...Uncle Bernie gets the
broom and the lighter fluid

and then (imitates explosion).

That raccoon ran away
with his tail on fire!

(laughing)

America, between you and me,

that raccoon was half dead
when we first found him.

Now, that part about the fire

may've been from a movie
the boy saw last week.

Now, am I condoning him lying?

No. 'Cause what he's doin' is
called putting a hundred on ten,

and that's how you tell a story,
America, at the barbershop.

Aunt Wanda was so scared,

her hand was shaking
almost as much as old Earl's.

(laughing stops)

Right, Uncle Bernie?

What'd you say, boy?

You know how much your hands
shake when you're cutting hair.

You could put ice cream in 'em
and make 'em a milkshake.

(Jordan laughing)

I can't take credit
for that one.

That was all Uncle Bernie's.

It is funny though.
(laughing)

BERNIE:
Uh, listen.

Come on, you...
Come on, y'all.

Y'all can't believe
everything

little man talking about.

He exaggerate.
He put a hundred on ten.

Why, was that one not funny?

Okay, how about the time...?
(mumbling)

How about the time
when you said

you seen better fades
on shrubbery.

(laughs):
Shrubbery.

Hey. Hey.

My hands don't shake
in an earthquake.

Aw, come on, Earl.

Just making ' a few jokes.

What's the matter?

I thought men liked to joke
around with each other.

That ain't no joke.

That's like telling
Luther

he can't sing.

Mmm.

Or telling Oprah
she can't make white folk cry.

Mm-hmm.

That's cold, man.
(shivers)

Stop that, man.
I'm a comedian, man.

I'm just makin'
a few jokes.

That's all, Earl.
I see.

Well, there's, uh,
one way to find out.

How's that?
Oh, you know what,

I'll just edge up the back.

Okay?

Just edge it up.

All right.

You know, look here,

look here,
look, look, Earl, Earl.

We grown men.

We need to stop
this bull.

Come on, man.

Let me give you an edge up.
(clears throat)

(chuckles)

All right, just, just...

I got a show Saturday.

All right.
Hold on, I just
got over the tetanus.

Yeah. No, no.

(razor rattling)
All right, here we go.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Come back here.

You ain't gonna
use no guard?

No, no, I don't need to.

It's got a screw missing
on there, Earl.

(both talking at once)

Come on, Earl.

Ah, see!
I knew it!

Well, I'm'a
tell you something.

If I'm not good enough
to cut your hair,

you're not welcome
in my shop.

Oh, Earl, come on, now.

No, no.
Wayne, Wayne.

Go get me that picture
of Isaac from The Love Boat.

A space just opened up
on the wall.

Come on, now, Earl.
I'm not doing that, man.

We go way back, man.

This ain't nothin'
but some old bull.

Come on, Jordan.

(beeping)

(beeping continues)

Aunt Wanda?

What?

Can you please
do something?

I cannot get my
homework finished.

(beeping continues)
(groans)

(beeping continues)

All right.

(beeping stops)

VANESSA:
Okay, uh, what are we supposed
to do in the dark?

There was some nose involved.

I'm 99% sure
that was my first kiss.

(chuckling)

BERNIE: Hey.
Ooh.

What the hell happened
to all the lights?

JORDAN:
Are we hiding from
Jehovah's Witnesses again?

Didn't I tell you
to get in your room?

But I can't see.

Bump into stuff
till you get there. Now, get.

WANDA:
Um, honey,

I-I shut the power off.

For what?

Okay, I admit,

I can't fix the smoke alarm,
and you were right.

I should've had you do
it in the first place.

Me? Which one's the smoke alarm?

Wanda, I told you
from the beginning.

Look in the Yellow Pages
under Claire Electrical.

They're the ones
that wired the place.

Sweetheart, you ain't got
to prove nothin'

to me, baby.

I'm a comedian.

Ain't nothin' funny
about electricity.

I don't play with God.

Yo, dawg, did Bernie tell you

how he got kicked out
of Earl's barbershop?

No. What happened?

Misunderstanding.

And I told you that
in confidence.

Yeah, Bernie wouldn't let Earl
cut his hair, right,

so Earl said
he was all Hollywood now.

(laughs):
For real?
Yo, yo, yo, man.

Bernie got, hey, Bernie got
an image to protect, man--

a brand-- and his hair
is a part of that.

Now, if Earl don't
understand, later
for him, man.

Yo, I got your back, dawg.

I know, big fella, man,

but I swear, man, I didn't mean
to diss Earl like that.

That's right
'cause you love Earl.

Yeah, man, Jordan's the one
that got me kicked out.

Sitting up there repeating
every doggone thing I said

in the privacy of my own home.

What?

Didn't you teach him the code?

Yeah, the first half.

I taught him... everything

inside the barbershop,
but the second half,

well, everything was implied.

It was implications.

I mean,
you should've heard the boy.

He's sitting there
talking about, man,

let's send Earl some flowers
to apologize.

I told him a man don't do
stuff like that, man.

We let things
work themselves out.

Sure you're right.

You know, you got to live
by the code, man.

You live by the code,
you die by the code.

See, that's the truth
right there.

Give me two codes.

(laughing)

The code, right?

Code.
No joke.

You know what, give me a deuce.

You need two?

(phone ringing)

Hello?

He's where?

I'll be right down.

Thanks for calling, man.

Jordan!

Uncle Bernie,
how'd you know I was here?

I told him.

You missed a spot.

Boy, you supposed
to be grounded.

How the hell you get down here?

He took three buses.

What?
Yeah.

I had to apologize to Earl.

He made me let
him stay around
here to help out.

Jordan, come on over here.

I need to talk to you.

(sighs)

Boy, you...

(sighs)

Come on, come on.

Son, son, son,
what you doin'?

I don't want to whup you.

I want to talk to you.
Come over here.

I know you said

the manly way was to let
things work themselves out,

but I messed it up for us
here, and I had to fix it.

Jordan, you disobeyed me,

and I don't like that.

But you took three buses

to come all the way down here
to apologize

for something
you thought was right?

Boy, it took a man
to do that.

(whimpers)

I'm proud of you.

Earl?
Yeah?

I want to thank you, man,

for calling me
about my nephew.

Yeah. (chuckles)

Thanks, Earl, man.

You're a good man.
You're good people.

It's all right.
It's all right.

Hey, Jordan, you done?

Not yet.

Tighten me up, Mr. Davis.

All right!

(whispers)
Jordan, run.

(razor rattling)

You got any beer?

Yeah, got some
in the back.

Jordan may be a little man,
but he's a crazy little man.

America, wait for it.
Wait for it...

(razor makes grinding noise)
JORDAN: Ow!

Little man better hope
Twan's still open.

Listen...
(grinding noise)

JORDAN:
Ow! Aah...

Doggone it.
(Jordan sighs)

Oh, boy...

What you...? Come on,
now, what you doing?

I don't want to whup you.
I want to talk to you.

Come over here and sit down.

I know you said the manly
way was to... w... let...

I know you...
said the man...

See, you wrong.
You know you wrong.

You had no business
coming down here.

That's why you stutterin'.

I should push your teeth
up in your gums.

(shrieks, laughs)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA