All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S03E04.Laughing.Matters.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

You might as well slide them
over here, Chuy.

You don't intimidate me, man.

Something does.

The look on your face shows
you ain't got jack.

Or you lost your green card.

Okay, you got me.

(LAUGHTER)

Man, it's so good to be back
in the dog pound, yeah, yeah.

Know what I'm
talking about?

You know, playing cards?

You know, cold-kicking it?

With, with
the homies?

All right, fine.

You want to tell them
about your thing?

Tell them about your movie.
Come on.

Jerry, come on.
This is my first hand, man.

I'm waiting on a lull, man.

Hey, man, what movie?

It's called Conrad Prerogative.

My first leading role.

They called me today.

What!

Go ahead, boy.

That's right.
It was a coup.

We were waiting
for a role like this
for a very long time.

Denzel falls out,

Bernie falls in.

Denzel Washington?

Oh, no, actually, Denzel
Shapiro, from the deli.

Do you know him? Jackass.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, to the living,

Bernie plays
an ex-track star

who suffers from a stroke.

Okay, so it's
a really dramatic role.

So, people are going
to finally get to see

that the big man
has got some range.

What's up, baby?

Man, that sounds like a downer.

Why don't you do that movie
you was telling us about.

What was that?
Phat House.

You know, the one
where you say,

"I'm in the house."

ALL:
In the house.

You see Morgan doing
Phat House?

Denzel?

Larry Fishburne?

You don't see them
doing Phat House.

I'm in the house.

You don't see them doing that.

Come on, man. Those guys
are serious actors...

What you just say?

Uh... those guys
are serious actors.

You come in my house
and you insult my talent.

You drink my beer,

smoke my cigars,
eat my chips, right?

Come on, B Dog.
It's not like that.

You know it's not like that.

No, it's like that to me.

It's like that to me.

So, if he feels
like that,

stop drinking my beer,

smoking my cigars,

and eating my chips,

and get the hell out
of my house.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

You still think
I ain't no serious actor?

He's in the house!

(LAUGHS)

Hey, that Conrad
on my list.

America!

I'm excited.

Boy, in the past, Bernie Mac

has read for and lost some
pretty damn good parts.

Yes, I have.

Training Day,
that could have been me.

Denzel got it.

Bagger Vance, huh?

Will Smith's punky ass got that.

Said I wasn't mystical enough.

Bernie Mac is plenty mystical.
Let me tell you.

But, you know, they just
thought of me as a funny man,

you know, comedian.

Red nose, you know.

But I'm much more than that.

And now, with Conrad
Prerogative, I get to prove it.

When I show up on that set
Monday, America, I'm...

Oh, man.

There may be a problem.

Hey, Wanda?

Baby.

Who is going
to watch the kids?

What?
Talking about
Jordan and Bryana?

Nessa gets out of school
too doggone late.

I can't find no baby-sitters
strong enough

to watch them
for eight weeks.

Okay, relax,
and I will handle it.

Baby, you've been busting your
tail on this Hiroshima account.

Hirosaki,
and I will take care of it.

I will pick the kids up
after school

and drop them off
at the daycare at work

and pick up some take-out
on the way home.

Girl, you just
saved production.

(LAUGHING)

How about it, Vanessa?

You want to hang out?

Can you believe he actually
sat next to me again?

And did you smell his cologne?

Yeah, but at least it covered
up the smell of the bus.

At least we only ride
for 15 minutes.

They get bussed over an hour.

It's torture.

All right, look.
I'm going to get to gym.

Okay, see you at lunch.

Bye.

Hello!

I'll bet you anything
he's not racing to class.

Thanks.

I'm Terry, by the way.
Vanessa.

There goes
the Saditty Committee.

C-C-C-Corny.

That was a cute bag
she had though, huh?

I wish I could afford me
some Gucci, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Come on.
Can't we just stay home?

Jordan, I told you

there's no one there
to watch you.

Now, stop it.
I don't have time for this.

I won't burn
anything this time.

That's what you
said last time.

Hi.
Hi.

I'm Molly,

and you must be Bryana,
and you must be Jordan.

I think I feel
the chickenpox coming on.

Jordan, I said stop it.
Now, go in there.

There will be lots of kids
for you to play with.

Thank you.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Well, your throwing arm
still works.

You know what, Conrad?

Walk, don't walk,
I get paid just the same.

There you go.

Cut.

I'm sorry, people.
We have a lighting problem.

Take five.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

See this?

This is a tear, okay?

I did not want to wipe it
until you saw that.

You liked the scene, huh?

Liked it?
Are, are, are you kidding?

Dog, I wanted to...

I wanted to hump it.

I feel nice. Real nice.

I know really nice.
Listen to this.

This morning,
we just got an offer

for the urban remake
of The Bad News Bears, okay?

It's called Junkyard Dogs.

Pass.

Bernie, Charlize Theron

is the concerned
social worker, okay?

Pass.

Bernie, it's double
your quote.

Pass.

Ber...

I like it when you pass.

Watch this, okay?
This is going to be really fun.

I'm just going to act

really, really insulted
with the first offer.

Watch this.
Handle your business.

Give me Bob.

(LAUGHS)

I don't mean to have
a big head, America.

But two years ago,

I would have jumped
through hoops

for something
like Junkyard Dogs.

But not today.

It's time for people to get
to know Bernie Mac, the actor,

Bernard Mac, if you will.

What?

Laurence Fishburne did it.
He used to be Larry.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to learn my lines
for tomorrow.

Hey, Vanessa.

Hey, Terry.
How's it going?

Good.

But have you ever had
Mrs. Wilton?

It's a wig.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, man, is that
that new B2K?

Yeah, it's really good.
You have it?

No, I've been meaning
to get it, but, you know.

Well, take this one.

For real?
That's like 14 bucks.

I got two
for my birthday.

You could return it.
Get yourself some Jay-Z.

No, take it.

Appreciate it.

Hey, we were having fun.

Daycare's not about fun.

Daycare is about
keeping children quiet

and out of their parents' hair.

So, you don't care
if we have fun?

I think
we understand each other.

Now, who wants to watch
George and the Magic Buggy?

ALL:
Me, me, me, me!

Sorry, sorry, honey,
I got stuck

on a conference call
to Japan

that turned into a nightmare.

See, that's why I don't marry
beautiful women who work.

Yeah. Uh-huh.
That's why.

No worries, baby,
I saved the projector for you.
Just set on down.

Now, listen, everybody.
This is raw footage.

It hasn't been edited.

This is just raw
Bernie Mac dailies, okay?

We get it, man.
Roll it.

DIRECTOR:
And... action!

Well...

your throwing arm
still works.

You know what, Conrad?

Walk, don't walk,
I get paid just the same.

There you go.

(LAUGHING)

Boy, hush.

Why? You look funny.
You're drooling
and everything.

Jordan, it's not funny.

Now, don't make fun of...

(LAUGHS)

Come on now, Wanda.
Don't encourage the boy.

I'm sorry. I mean, look...

(LAUGHING)

All right.

That's okay. It was the first
take of the day at 6:00 a.m.

I hadn't even had my coffee yet.

I'll get better, much better.

I'll just show them
another take.

Walk, don't walk,
I get paid just the same.

(LAUGHTER)

Look, he's
still drooling.

(LAUGHTER)

Heathens!
Philistines!

What do they know
about fine art?

I'll show them.

You ever had a whole room
laughing at you, Jerry?

It's horrible.

All right, B, no
offense to the peeps,

but come on, okay, who cares?

It only matters what
the studio thinks

and the studio did not
think it was funny.

You spoke to the studio?
Indeed, I did.

And guess what?
What?

It's all good, player.

There's one tiny,
major concern.

You know, they just
wanted to make sure

that you knew that
this wasn't a comedy.

I knew it wasn't what?
Huh?

What's "tiny" doing
in that sentence, Jerry?
What?

Ain't nothing tiny
about what you just said.

Tiny's walking around here
messing everything up.

Put tiny out.

Okay, you know what?
You know what?

Big papa, big papa,
relax, okay?

I took care of everything.

I blamed them.

Do you know what
I told them?
No.

I told them, "What the
hell do you expect?

"He just got the
part two days ago.

"He needs time
to prepare."

You said that?

Yes, I did.

"He needs time
to do research."

You did good.

You're right.

That's what I need to do.

I need to go
in research mode.

True that.

Can you believe
how hot it was last night?

I couldn't sleep.

My cat kept licking the sweat
off my neck.

I know.

I mean, I hate the heat.
We don't have a cat.

You ever sat so long
in front of the fridge

that the light blew out?

(LAUGHS)

Hey.

Oh, hey, Donna.
This is Terry.

Oh, hi.
So, this is Terry.

Vanessa does not shut up
about you.

What's so funny?

Oh, you know.
We was just laughing about

how nice it would be
to have air conditioning.

Vanessa, your house
is always so freezing.

What happened?
Bernie Mac blow it out again?

Bernie Mac?
The comedian?

He's kinda my uncle.

Wait, you live with Bernie Mac?

Then why you been

walking around trying
to make me think you was broke?

I didn't. You assumed.

Yeah,
'cause you said things like,

"Cooling off in front of the
fridge till the light blew out."

Well,
what was I supposed to say,

"I live with my rich uncle"?

Why not?

I just didn't want you
to think...

What? That you better
than me?

You not, but, obviously
you think you are.

No, I don't.

I'm just like you.
I grew up in the projects.

Oh, so,
now I'm from the projects

just 'cause I don't live
with Bernie Mac?

Man, you a bougie little thing,

and I don't
need your pity.

In here.

I found him underneath
the conference table

while I was giving a very
important presentation.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm so sorry.

You busted out?

Yeah, it was amazing.

You should have seen
all the cool stuff
they have in this place.

Like what?

Fountains to play in,
storage rooms to raid,

elevator buttons
to push.

We're surrounded by treasure.

ALL:
Ooh...

WOMAN:
Okay, everyone.

Who wants to watch a video?

Can we watch a cartoon?

Yeah.
Yeah.

No, no, don't go.

Do you see what
she's doing?

She's controlling your
mind with cartoons.

We should be running around,
playing, living it up.

(CARTOON PLAYING)

Hey, when did you
get into town?

Just a few days ago.

How do you do?

Well, how are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

I'm very well myself.

BERNIE:
Who called you bougie?

This girl I made friends with
at school.

Uh-huh.
I really liked her.

Well, why she call you bougie?

Well, she gets bussed in, right?

Right.
And I didn't want her

to think I was part
of the Saditty Committee.

So, I made her think
I didn't have much,

and then, she found out
I was your niece.

Oh, you thought she wouldn't
like you if she knew.

I don't know.

I mean, I just didn't
want her to feel bad,

and now she thinks
I was pitying her.

Well, Nessa, I'm
going to tell you,

you can't go around
judging people

for what they have,
what they don't have

because that's
not who they are.

Just like you're
no better or worse

than when you were living at
Cabrini-Green, you understand?

You just make people
like you for you.

That's all you can do.

You just be Nessa.

Oh, and besides,

sweetheart,
you're not bougie...

(CHUCKLES)

...'cause you ain't got squat.

I'm the one that
got everything.

You just live here.

You and your brother and
sister, you all bums,

beggars, tramps, parasites,
ticks, leeches. That's it.

(SIGHS)

You know, sometimes, when you
really want to do your best,

it's good to get advice
from one of the best.

You all know Angela Bassett?

Angela, say hello
to the fine people.

Hello.

Now, Angela, you are
an amazing actress.

You played Rosa Parks,
Stella Got Her Groove,

and Betty Shabazz twice.

Mm-hmm. Tito's mama.

(LAUGHS)
Tito's mama.

Okay, but you played the
big one, Tina Turner.

Now, baby girl, tell
me how you did that?

How you manage that?

Well, you know,
I began with the physical.
Uh-huh.

You know,
the outside in.

Mm-hmm.
The legs, the arms,
that kind of things.

Oh, yeah, the
legs and the arms.

She's got the python
popping, don't she?

I mean, I'm playing
a stroke victim,

but there ain't no
work involved in that.

Well, you know, Bern,

it's not always
about the appearances.

(LAUGHS)
You know?
Okay, all right.

Yeah, but it is about
internalizing the reality.

Tell me this.
Tell me this.
Mm-hmm.

How much time
have you actually spent

with stroke victims?

You know, witnessing,
observing, researching?

Spending time with them?
Yeah.

I didn't know we
had to do that.

I'm just acting.

What?

I don't know.

(LAUGHING)

Seriously?
I'm serious.

Bernie,
that's kindergarten.

That's the foundation,
one, two, three, you know?

I didn't know.

I mean, but I'm going to
do it first thing tomorrow.

But Angie, I'm going to do
it first thing tomorrow.

First thing tomorrow, America,

I'm going to go find me
some stroke victims.

Yeah, well, all right.

You might want to check out
the local hospital.

(LAUGHING)

I said I was going to find

some stroke victims
tomorrow, Angie.

You ain't got to come on
here, I mean, you might be

an Oscar nominee and
all that kind of stuff,

you know, but you don't
have to come out here
and try to embarrass me.

I wasn't trying
to do that, Bernie.

I would never try
to embarrass you.
No...

I'm only here
to make it better.

You actors, man...
If possible.

You actors, y'all-y'all
too funny style for me.

Don't kid it.

You didn't do all that
good in Tina neither.

(LAUGHS)

Mr. Mac, if you
need anything,

let me know.

Thank you.

Go do it.

Okay.

Um, the reason I'm here is,
I'm... I'm playing a man

of the same affliction
as yourself, and I'm an actor.

No, no, no, listen.

I am telling you
that my client, right now,

is becoming Conrad
as we speak.

(MAN LAUGHING)
He's laughing at me.

I quit!

Okay, you know what,
your lack of faith

in me and my client,
we both quit.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

If I can't play Conrad

without making a mockery
of the man, I ain't gonna do it.

All I want to do is give
an honest, sincere, portrayal,

but it turns out,
I'm just another funny face,

a damn clown, and you know
there's nothing sadder

than tears of a clown.

Weep for me, America.

(SOBBING)

Come on, Angie.
Come on, Angie.

Don't-don't cry.
It's going to
be all right.

(SOBBING)

I know, Bernie.

I was just acting.

You see?

That's how you do it.

Oh, man.

That was good.

A cat?

Nope. That's your
tenth guess. You lose.

It's just lines.

Where's my sister?

She's right over...

Okay, everyone.

Video time, video time.

I'll put in the tape.
I'll put in the tape.

Just find my sister
and hurry.

She likes to run
in the street.

Oh, God.
Oh, God.

Behold.

ALL:
Wow!

Oh, hey, Terry.
Can I talk to you?

Oh, what's the matter?

Your little limo
not coming to pick you up?

GIRL:
Is this the girl?

Mm-hmm.

Look, I just wanted
to apologize.

I-I never meant...

Whatever, Vanessa.

Say hi to Bernie Mac for me.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

It looks like
my work here is done.

(LAUGHS)

BERNIE:
You landed that account.

I guess now there's two
superstars in the family.

No, just one.

I ain't doing that movie
no more.

What do you mean you're
not doing the movie?

I quit.

Artistic differences.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Honey, what happened?

Ah, it's all right.

I'll break it down
to you later.

Come on.
We got another problem.

Help me with this.
Come on.

Hey, gorgeous.

Your auntie just landed
that big account.

Congratulations.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

I tried to apologize to this
girl who called me bougie,

but she wasn't hearing it.

Why'd she call you that?

Because she is bougie.

Especially when you
be trying to talk

all proper with your friend
Donna and them.

"Ooh, girl,
I wish I had a Gucci purse.

"Ooh, girl, I wish I had
a Calvin Klein bag."

I don't do that.

When the guys try
to talk to you,

you be too grand,
you're too uppity.

Your hand on your hip,
you make your backbone slip.

(LAUGHS)

You're bougie, too.

That's where she
gets it from.

Look how your left
hip pops out.

Like I said,
what's wrong with bougie?

That's walking
with confidence.

(LAUGHS)

Come and show me
how she walk.

Come on, man.
Show it to her.

Oh, no, no.
That looks like Tourette's.

Yeah, looks
like something
wrong with you

on that one, partner.

Baby girl, come on.
Here it come.
Give her room.

Boom, ba-doom,
boom, boom,

boom ba-doom, boom.

Now, come right here and
twirl it, baby, twirl it.

(LAUGHING)

You see that girl, America,

laughing like she didn't have
a care in the world,

and here I was starting to think
that being funny was a curse.

Now, I ain't against
being serious.

I find me a nice meaty,
non-handicapped, dramatic role,

I'm all over it.

But being funny,
making people laugh,

man, that's all I wanted to do
in the first place.

But I lost sight of that.

But I tell you one thing,
America,

it ain't never gonna
happen again.

Never.

Give me some more.
(SOBBING)

Uh-uh,
you're kidding it.

It'll never work.
I ain't kidding.

Think of something...
My stomach hurts.

(LAUGHS)

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING)

Mm-mmm, that wouldn't work
for me either.

You actors.