Original subtitles

You might as well slide them over here, Chuy.

You don't intimidate me, man.

Something does.

The look on your face shows you ain't got jack.

Or you lost your green card.

Okay, you got me.

(LAUGHTER)

Man, it's so good to be back in the dog pound, yeah, yeah.

Know what I'm talking about?

You know, playing cards?

You know, cold-kicking it?

With, with the homies?

All right, fine.

You want to tell them about your thing?

Tell them about your movie. Come on.

Jerry, come on. This is my first hand, man.

I'm waiting on a lull, man.

Hey, man, what movie?

It's called Conrad Prerogative.

My first leading role.

They called me today.

What!

Go ahead, boy.

That's right. It was a coup.

We were waiting for a role like this for a very long time.

Denzel falls out,

Bernie falls in.

Denzel Washington?

Oh, no, actually, Denzel Shapiro, from the deli.

Do you know him? Jackass.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, to the living,

Bernie plays an ex-track star

who suffers from a stroke.

Okay, so it's a really dramatic role.

So, people are going to finally get to see

that the big man has got some range.

What's up, baby?

Man, that sounds like a downer.

Why don't you do that movie you was telling us about.

What was that? Phat House.

You know, the one where you say,

"I'm in the house."

ALL: In the house.

You see Morgan doing Phat House?

Denzel?

Larry Fishburne?

You don't see them doing Phat House.

I'm in the house.

You don't see them doing that.

Come on, man. Those guys are serious actors...

What you just say?

Uh... those guys are serious actors.

You come in my house and you insult my talent.

You drink my beer,

smoke my cigars, eat my chips, right?

Come on, B Dog. It's not like that.

You know it's not like that.

No, it's like that to me.

It's like that to me.

So, if he feels like that,

stop drinking my beer,

smoking my cigars,

and eating my chips,

and get the hell out of my house.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

You still think I ain't no serious actor?

He's in the house!

(LAUGHS)

Hey, that Conrad on my list.

America!

I'm excited.

Boy, in the past, Bernie Mac

has read for and lost some pretty damn good parts.

Yes, I have.

Training Day, that could have been me.

Denzel got it.

Bagger Vance, huh?

Will Smith's punky ass got that.

Said I wasn't mystical enough.

Bernie Mac is plenty mystical. Let me tell you.

But, you know, they just thought of me as a funny man,

you know, comedian.

Red nose, you know.

But I'm much more than that.

And now, with Conrad Prerogative, I get to prove it.

When I show up on that set Monday, America, I'm...

Oh, man.

There may be a problem.

Hey, Wanda?

Baby.

Who is going to watch the kids?

What? Talking about Jordan and Bryana?

Nessa gets out of school too doggone late.

I can't find no baby-sitters strong enough

to watch them for eight weeks.

Okay, relax, and I will handle it.

Baby, you've been busting your tail on this Hiroshima account.

Hirosaki, and I will take care of it.

I will pick the kids up after school

and drop them off at the daycare at work

and pick up some take-out on the way home.

Girl, you just saved production.

(LAUGHING)

How about it, Vanessa?

You want to hang out?

Can you believe he actually sat next to me again?

And did you smell his cologne?

Yeah, but at least it covered up the smell of the bus.

At least we only ride for 15 minutes.

They get bussed over an hour.

It's torture.

All right, look. I'm going to get to gym.

Okay, see you at lunch.

Bye.

Hello!

I'll bet you anything he's not racing to class.

Thanks.

I'm Terry, by the way. Vanessa.

There goes the Saditty Committee.

C-C-C-Corny.

That was a cute bag she had though, huh?

I wish I could afford me some Gucci, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Come on. Can't we just stay home?

Jordan, I told you

there's no one there to watch you.

Now, stop it. I don't have time for this.

I won't burn anything this time.

That's what you said last time.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Molly,

and you must be Bryana, and you must be Jordan.

I think I feel the chickenpox coming on.

Jordan, I said stop it. Now, go in there.

There will be lots of kids for you to play with.

Thank you.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Well, your throwing arm still works.

You know what, Conrad?

Walk, don't walk, I get paid just the same.

There you go.

Cut.

I'm sorry, people. We have a lighting problem.

Take five.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

See this?

This is a tear, okay?

I did not want to wipe it until you saw that.

You liked the scene, huh?

Liked it? Are, are, are you kidding?

Dog, I wanted to...

I wanted to hump it.

I feel nice. Real nice.

I know really nice. Listen to this.

This morning, we just got an offer

for the urban remake of The Bad News Bears, okay?

It's called Junkyard Dogs.

Pass.

Bernie, Charlize Theron

is the concerned social worker, okay?

Pass.

Bernie, it's double your quote.

Pass.

Ber...

I like it when you pass.

Watch this, okay? This is going to be really fun.

I'm just going to act

really, really insulted with the first offer.

Watch this. Handle your business.

Give me Bob.

(LAUGHS)

I don't mean to have a big head, America.

But two years ago,

I would have jumped through hoops

for something like Junkyard Dogs.

But not today.

It's time for people to get to know Bernie Mac, the actor,

Bernard Mac, if you will.

What?

Laurence Fishburne did it. He used to be Larry.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to learn my lines for tomorrow.

Hey, Vanessa.

Hey, Terry. How's it going?

Good.

But have you ever had Mrs. Wilton?

It's a wig.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, man, is that that new B2K?

Yeah, it's really good. You have it?

No, I've been meaning to get it, but, you know.

Well, take this one.

For real? That's like 14 bucks.

I got two for my birthday.

You could return it. Get yourself some Jay-Z.

No, take it.

Appreciate it.

Hey, we were having fun.

Daycare's not about fun.

Daycare is about keeping children quiet

and out of their parents' hair.

So, you don't care if we have fun?

I think we understand each other.

Now, who wants to watch George and the Magic Buggy?

ALL: Me, me, me, me!

Sorry, sorry, honey, I got stuck

on a conference call to Japan

that turned into a nightmare.

See, that's why I don't marry beautiful women who work.

Yeah. Uh-huh. That's why.

No worries, baby, I saved the projector for you. Just set on down.

Now, listen, everybody. This is raw footage.

It hasn't been edited.

This is just raw Bernie Mac dailies, okay?

We get it, man. Roll it.

DIRECTOR: And... action!

Well...

your throwing arm still works.

You know what, Conrad?

Walk, don't walk, I get paid just the same.

There you go.

(LAUGHING)

Boy, hush.

Why? You look funny. You're drooling and everything.

Jordan, it's not funny.

Now, don't make fun of...

(LAUGHS)

Come on now, Wanda. Don't encourage the boy.

I'm sorry. I mean, look...

(LAUGHING)

All right.

That's okay. It was the first take of the day at 6:00 a.m.

I hadn't even had my coffee yet.

I'll get better, much better.

I'll just show them another take.

Walk, don't walk, I get paid just the same.

(LAUGHTER)

Look, he's still drooling.

(LAUGHTER)

Heathens! Philistines!

What do they know about fine art?

I'll show them.

You ever had a whole room laughing at you, Jerry?

It's horrible.

All right, B, no offense to the peeps,

but come on, okay, who cares?

It only matters what the studio thinks

and the studio did not think it was funny.

You spoke to the studio? Indeed, I did.

And guess what? What?

It's all good, player.

There's one tiny, major concern.

You know, they just wanted to make sure

that you knew that this wasn't a comedy.

I knew it wasn't what? Huh?

What's "tiny" doing in that sentence, Jerry? What?

Ain't nothing tiny about what you just said.

Tiny's walking around here messing everything up.

Put tiny out.

Okay, you know what? You know what?

Big papa, big papa, relax, okay?

I took care of everything.

I blamed them.

Do you know what I told them? No.

I told them, "What the hell do you expect?

"He just got the part two days ago.

"He needs time to prepare."

You said that?

Yes, I did.

"He needs time to do research."

You did good.

You're right.

That's what I need to do.

I need to go in research mode.

True that.

Can you believe how hot it was last night?

I couldn't sleep.

My cat kept licking the sweat off my neck.

I know.

I mean, I hate the heat. We don't have a cat.

You ever sat so long in front of the fridge

that the light blew out?

(LAUGHS)

Hey.

Oh, hey, Donna. This is Terry.

Oh, hi. So, this is Terry.

Vanessa does not shut up about you.

What's so funny?

Oh, you know. We was just laughing about

how nice it would be to have air conditioning.

Vanessa, your house is always so freezing.

What happened? Bernie Mac blow it out again?

Bernie Mac? The comedian?

He's kinda my uncle.

Wait, you live with Bernie Mac?

Then why you been

walking around trying to make me think you was broke?

I didn't. You assumed.

Yeah, 'cause you said things like,

"Cooling off in front of the fridge till the light blew out."

Well, what was I supposed to say,

"I live with my rich uncle"?

Why not?

I just didn't want you to think...

What? That you better than me?

You not, but, obviously you think you are.

No, I don't.

I'm just like you. I grew up in the projects.

Oh, so, now I'm from the projects

just 'cause I don't live with Bernie Mac?

Man, you a bougie little thing,

and I don't need your pity.

In here.

I found him underneath the conference table

while I was giving a very important presentation.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm so sorry.

You busted out?

Yeah, it was amazing.

You should have seen all the cool stuff they have in this place.

Like what?

Fountains to play in, storage rooms to raid,

elevator buttons to push.

We're surrounded by treasure.

ALL: Ooh...

WOMAN: Okay, everyone.

Who wants to watch a video?

Can we watch a cartoon?

Yeah. Yeah.

No, no, don't go.

Do you see what she's doing?

She's controlling your mind with cartoons.

We should be running around, playing, living it up.

(CARTOON PLAYING)

Hey, when did you get into town?

Just a few days ago.

How do you do?

Well, how are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

I'm very well myself.

BERNIE: Who called you bougie?

This girl I made friends with at school.

Uh-huh. I really liked her.

Well, why she call you bougie?

Well, she gets bussed in, right?

Right. And I didn't want her

to think I was part of the Saditty Committee.

So, I made her think I didn't have much,

and then, she found out I was your niece.

Oh, you thought she wouldn't like you if she knew.

I don't know.

I mean, I just didn't want her to feel bad,

and now she thinks I was pitying her.

Well, Nessa, I'm going to tell you,

you can't go around judging people

for what they have, what they don't have

because that's not who they are.

Just like you're no better or worse

than when you were living at Cabrini-Green, you understand?

You just make people like you for you.

That's all you can do.

You just be Nessa.

Oh, and besides,

sweetheart, you're not bougie...

(CHUCKLES)

...'cause you ain't got squat.

I'm the one that got everything.

You just live here.

You and your brother and sister, you all bums,

beggars, tramps, parasites, ticks, leeches. That's it.

(SIGHS)

You know, sometimes, when you really want to do your best,

it's good to get advice from one of the best.

You all know Angela Bassett?

Angela, say hello to the fine people.

Hello.

Now, Angela, you are an amazing actress.

You played Rosa Parks, Stella Got Her Groove,

and Betty Shabazz twice.

Mm-hmm. Tito's mama.

(LAUGHS) Tito's mama.

Okay, but you played the big one, Tina Turner.

Now, baby girl, tell me how you did that?

How you manage that?

Well, you know, I began with the physical. Uh-huh.

You know, the outside in.

Mm-hmm. The legs, the arms, that kind of things.

Oh, yeah, the legs and the arms.

She's got the python popping, don't she?

I mean, I'm playing a stroke victim,

but there ain't no work involved in that.

Well, you know, Bern,

it's not always about the appearances.

(LAUGHS) You know? Okay, all right.

Yeah, but it is about internalizing the reality.

Tell me this. Tell me this. Mm-hmm.

How much time have you actually spent

with stroke victims?

You know, witnessing, observing, researching?

Spending time with them? Yeah.

I didn't know we had to do that.

I'm just acting.

What?

I don't know.

(LAUGHING)

Seriously? I'm serious.

Bernie, that's kindergarten.

That's the foundation, one, two, three, you know?

I didn't know.

I mean, but I'm going to do it first thing tomorrow.

But Angie, I'm going to do it first thing tomorrow.

First thing tomorrow, America,

I'm going to go find me some stroke victims.

Yeah, well, all right.

You might want to check out the local hospital.

(LAUGHING)

I said I was going to find

some stroke victims tomorrow, Angie.

You ain't got to come on here, I mean, you might be

an Oscar nominee and all that kind of stuff,

you know, but you don't have to come out here and try to embarrass me.

I wasn't trying to do that, Bernie.

I would never try to embarrass you. No...

I'm only here to make it better.

You actors, man... If possible.

You actors, y'all-y'all too funny style for me.

Don't kid it.

You didn't do all that good in Tina neither.

(LAUGHS)

Mr. Mac, if you need anything,

let me know.

Thank you.

Go do it.

Okay.

Um, the reason I'm here is, I'm... I'm playing a man

of the same affliction as yourself, and I'm an actor.

No, no, no, listen.

I am telling you that my client, right now,

is becoming Conrad as we speak.

(MAN LAUGHING) He's laughing at me.

I quit!

Okay, you know what, your lack of faith

in me and my client, we both quit.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

If I can't play Conrad

without making a mockery of the man, I ain't gonna do it.

All I want to do is give an honest, sincere, portrayal,

but it turns out, I'm just another funny face,

a damn clown, and you know there's nothing sadder

than tears of a clown.

Weep for me, America.

(SOBBING)

Come on, Angie. Come on, Angie.

Don't-don't cry. It's going to be all right.

(SOBBING)

I know, Bernie.

I was just acting.

You see?

That's how you do it.

Oh, man.

That was good.

A cat?

Nope. That's your tenth guess. You lose.

It's just lines.

Where's my sister?

She's right over...

Okay, everyone.

Video time, video time.

I'll put in the tape. I'll put in the tape.

Just find my sister and hurry.

She likes to run in the street.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Behold.

ALL: Wow!

Oh, hey, Terry. Can I talk to you?

Oh, what's the matter?

Your little limo not coming to pick you up?

GIRL: Is this the girl?

Mm-hmm.

Look, I just wanted to apologize.

I-I never meant...

Whatever, Vanessa.

Say hi to Bernie Mac for me.

(KIDS LAUGHING)

It looks like my work here is done.

(LAUGHS)

BERNIE: You landed that account.

I guess now there's two superstars in the family.

No, just one.

I ain't doing that movie no more.

What do you mean you're not doing the movie?

I quit.

Artistic differences.

Oh, I'm sorry. Honey, what happened?

Ah, it's all right.

I'll break it down to you later.

Come on. We got another problem.

Help me with this. Come on.

Hey, gorgeous.

Your auntie just landed that big account.

Congratulations.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

I tried to apologize to this girl who called me bougie,

but she wasn't hearing it.

Why'd she call you that?

Because she is bougie.

Especially when you be trying to talk

all proper with your friend Donna and them.

"Ooh, girl, I wish I had a Gucci purse.

"Ooh, girl, I wish I had a Calvin Klein bag."

I don't do that.

When the guys try to talk to you,

you be too grand, you're too uppity.

Your hand on your hip, you make your backbone slip.

(LAUGHS)

You're bougie, too.

That's where she gets it from.

Look how your left hip pops out.

Like I said, what's wrong with bougie?

That's walking with confidence.

(LAUGHS)

Come and show me how she walk.

Come on, man. Show it to her.

Oh, no, no. That looks like Tourette's.

Yeah, looks like something wrong with you

on that one, partner.

Baby girl, come on. Here it come. Give her room.

Boom, ba-doom, boom, boom,

boom ba-doom, boom.

Now, come right here and twirl it, baby, twirl it.

(LAUGHING)

You see that girl, America,

laughing like she didn't have a care in the world,

and here I was starting to think that being funny was a curse.

Now, I ain't against being serious.

I find me a nice meaty, non-handicapped, dramatic role,

I'm all over it.

But being funny, making people laugh,

man, that's all I wanted to do in the first place.

But I lost sight of that.

But I tell you one thing, America,

it ain't never gonna happen again.

Never.

Give me some more. (SOBBING)

Uh-uh, you're kidding it.

It'll never work. I ain't kidding.

Think of something... My stomach hurts.

(LAUGHS)

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING)

Mm-mmm, that wouldn't work for me either.

You actors.