Original subtitles

Ooh, hey, honey. Look,

I just got a card from the Leibersteins.

Mm. Ooh, wow, look at Mendal.

He's gotten so big.

Wait a minute.

Leiberstein, they Jewish.

What the hell they know about Christmas?

Honey, it's a holiday card.

This is cute...

Baby, you know, that's not a bad idea.

Why don't we do that?

What?

You know, get a photo.

I remember when I was a little boy,

Big Mama used to take us down to Fredrick's Department Store

for our annual family photo.

Let's do it. Let's take the kids.

Let's go, honey.

Yeah, America, this was a great tradition.

1969 to '74.

We captured every year on film.

It was something we did together,

and that's what made it special.

Check it out. Look.

Right here, there's Big Mama, all full of joyful pride.

And there's my sister, Bonita,

wearing that little Eartha Kitt turban.

Hmm, look at my big brother, Carl.

You know, he like that old Stets.

And my sister, Stacey.

America, she had the most prettiest smile

till crack got a hold of her.

And there's me, sporting a big ol' Globetrotter 'fro.

You know, America, I miss those days.

That's what Christmas was all about to me--

family and tradition.

And it's time we got back to them.

Oh, yeah.

Look at Stacey.

Junkie.

("Carol Of The Bells" playing in background)

This is going to take forever.

I'll be back in a while.

Hold on, Nessa. Where you going?

To Hirosaki Cingular. Uh-uh.

I need to write down the model number

to the cell phone I'm asking Santa for this year.

What?!

Then I get to go to Joy Stickers.

I want to see if they have

Seek and Destroy.

And I want to sit

on Santa Claus' lap and tell him what I want for Christmas.

Look, ain't nobody going nowhere.

We all going to stay right here.

Okay, but remember, that was Seek and Destroy.

Listen, I told you kids,

we're not here to get y'all presents, okay?

Gotcha.

We're here to start a Mac family tradition.

That's all!

But this is our tradition.

We come to the mall, pick out stuff,

you pretend like it's too expensive

and then it shows up on Christmas morning.

Whoo! Baby, where you been?

Sorry, honey, I had to get these gifts

for people at work.

Not you, not you.

Look, what's that, a Palm Pilot telephone book? You know all them people?

No, but they know me.

I'm the new senior VP, honey, and this will be great for morale.

One stocking stuffer and these people will follow me into hell.

Wanda, please forget about Shirley in Accounting.

We here to start a Christmas tradition.

That's it!

Oh, my goodness, Shirley in Accounting.

I forgot about her. Thank you.

Honey, I'll be right back.

No, no, no, baby, come on, come on now.

Look here, you stay here with the kids.

Enjoy the festive atmosphere, okay?

I'm going to go up there and see what type

of family photo these people shoot and I'll be right back.

Y'all stay right here.

Cabrini-Green ingrates, that's what y'all are.

(sighs)

Just do it.

Welcome to Santa's Workshop.

I'm Elf Mary Ann.

Would you like to choose

from one of our festive photo packages?

I wouldn't want to put you out.

Oh. The Kris Kringle starts at 29.99.

Includes a 5x7, 4x6 and ten wallet size.

(sighs)

But we recommend the Spirit of the Season

for 59.99.

Baby, somebody need to shake you.

Let me see what you got.

(sighs)

This all you got?

We also have the Oh! Christmas Tree.

ALL: Cheese!

Great.

Times have changed, America.

You can't even have a simple Christmas memory.

It got to be surfboards and people touching Jesus.

What happened to tradition?

Oh, this ain't happening.

Mm-mm. We out of here.

Excuse me. Hey, baby.

Hey, honey, how's it looking?

Getting ready to leave. Where's the kids?

They said they went looking for you. Looking for me?

Doggone, I told them we weren't buying no presents today.

Look here, baby, stay here in case they come back.

"Looking for me."

Oh, every time I turn around...!

Sorry, kid, but Seek and Destroy is too hot this Christmas.

You're going to have to leave, like, a $15 deposit

just to reserve one from the next shipment.

Fifteen bucks?

Serious.

♪♪

(clears throat)

I-I didn't do it.

No...

No, you got to read me my Miranda rights.

No, stop it. Ow.

BRYANA: I want a Gulf War Jessie,

tank sold separately.

A Chat-'Em-Up Chastity doll.

♪ The chattiest, brattiest doll in the house. ♪

Help! Santa needs help!

Baby girl, baby girl.

Come here, come here.

Give St. Nick a break.

I-I'm sorry, Nick.

Here go some cabbage for your kettle.

Look here, we're gonna find Aunt Wanda

and I want you to stay put. Come on.

BRYANA: Ow!

You're just like the rest of them.

Nessa! Why you walk away?

I told you to stay put.

Uncle Bernie, this is it.

This is the one I want.

You got a cell phone already.

Not like this one.

This one has a pager, Internet access and a camera.

Hey, guys, happy holidays from Hirosaki Cellular.

Hey, Santa's authorized me to give you guys a coupon

for a thousand free minutes if you sign up today.

I'm sorry, wrong number.

Come on. Where Joy Stickers at?

Excuse me. Are you Bernie Mac?

Yes, sir. How you doing?

Command, this is Charlie-Bravo-One.

I have the perp's parent.

"Perp's"? (over radio) Roger that.

Jordan. What he do?

Well, he stuck his hand in the fountain...

You kids just don't get it.

And this perp here gonna be the death of me.

But you keep it up, I'm gonna be the death of you.

You watch what I tell you.

Baby girl, would you come on now.

I want pants like Jesus.

Baby girl, come on.

Every time I turn around, it's something.

Is nothing sacred?

They didn't have no fleece in Bethlehem.

No wonder those kids don't care nothing about family tradition.

To them, Christmas is just one big-ass commercial.

It's awful!

What?

Oh, okay.

Excuse me, America.

We'll be right back.

America, here's Christmas of yesteryear.

Look at it.

Pure as the driven snow.

Now here's Christmas this year.

Not exactly the Christmas photo I was looking for.

But it's not their fault, America.

I did them kids a disservice.

Turned them into little greedy crumb-snatchers.

I shower them with gifts trying to make up

for all the Christmases they didn't have back in Chicago,

but that was the wrong way to go,

'cause when I think about it, I don't remember the gifts--

I remember the times.

See, that's what will stick with you, America.

That's what I got to show them kids--

real tradition.

Real traditions are better than getting gifts.

Oh, yeah. Real tradition.

What's this all about?

Kids, this is about giving you the best Christmas ever.

Old-school Christmas.

You know,

when I was your age, we didn't have malls.

You know, we didn't have no walking cell phone.

Jesus didn't have six pockets in those swaddling clothes.

What's old-school Christmas?

Baby girl, old-school Christmas is about tradition.

It's about all of us

going to pick out our own tree and making our own ornaments.

Then, on Christmas Eve,

going to see the lights on Candy Cane Lane.

Then come home to a family dinner.

Oh, it's gonna be great.

Can we have Royal Burger that night?

Ain't nothing traditional about no fast food, law-breaker.

Now, we're going to deal with my favorite--

building a gingerbread house.

Look it.

Oh, this is stupid.

Sit down, Nessa, and shut up.

Kids, trust me.

You're gonna have fun.

Just wait and see.

Smell how sweet, sweet.

Oh, this is sweet.

Hey, kids, look what I found.

I found some old candy from Halloween.

They'll go good in the driveway.

We already finished the driveway.

Yeah, but yours ain't got no color.

Hey, sweetheart, be careful.

That's not a load-bearing wall, baby girl.

Easy.

Hold on. Yeah.

What-what the hell is that, Jordan?

They're gargoyles.

To scare away the invaders.

And this is a rack

to tear off the limbs of bad gingerbread men.

Gargoyles and torture chambers.

That's not part of our tradition.

Sweetheart,

that peppermint chimney is for looking, not licking.

Hey, baby.

Hey, honey. Ooh, it looks nice.

You going to help us? Uh, in a minute, honey.

I just got through wrapping these gifts

and I need to put the name tags on them.

Well, hurry up, baby. We having fun.

All right, honey.

Jordan, son, if you don't respect the gingerbread house,

it won't respect you.

Oh, here, let me show you.

No, you're not going to show me.

You don't know any more than I do.

I know the difference between a doorknob and a shingle.

BERNIE: See, both y'all stop it.

Come on now, come on. Stop this bull now! Stop...!

(container clatters on floor)

Look what you did.

Way to go.

You older. You supposed to be acting...

Stop licking that! Well, he should've...

BRYANA: No! When he didn't give it to you

you don't pulling up on the thing.

You older than him. Act like...

Put that down, boy.

America, these kids aren't getting it.

Instilling Christmas spirit in them ain't gonna be easy,

I'm telling you, but I got to do it for their sake.

They should be roasting chestnuts and high on fruitcake.

America, I got to step my game up.

When I'm done, there's gonna be sugarplums

dancing all in their head, I swear.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪

♪ I can't hear you! ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly... ♪

Sellout.

Hey, anything for presents.

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪

That's the spirit, boy.

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪

♪ Choir singing carols ♪

♪ Right outside my door ♪

♪ All these things and more ♪

♪ That's what Christmas means to me my love ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ And you know what I mean ♪

♪ I see your smiling face ♪

♪ Like I've never seen before ♪

♪ Even though I love you madly ♪

♪ It seems I love you more ♪

♪ The little though you give me ♪

♪ Touched my heart for sure ♪

♪ All these things and more, darling ♪

♪ That's what Christmas means to me my love ♪

♪ That's what Christmas means to me ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Candles burning low ♪

♪ Lots of mistletoe ♪

♪ Alright ♪

♪ Christmas bells are ringing ♪

This will be the first Christmas

where we did something together as a family.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Uh-oh.

Here we go.

(whistling "We Wish You a Merry Christmas")

Okay, y'all, here we go.

Here, baby.

Uh, what's this?

A little Christmas treat.

Some of Big Mama eggnog

with some nutmeg,

cinnamon, a little tad of horseradish

to kick it off, but don't say nothing.

Ew, mine tastes like medicine.

What? It's really good.

Um, so,

can we talk about what we're getting for Christmas?

Mm-mm. Not yet.

I got another treat.

The angel lands on the tree.

Baby girl, will you do the honors?

Come on.

(grunting): Oh!

Um, Uncle Bernie? Hmm?

Now that we've done all the stuff you wanted to do,

can we talk about the stuff we want?

All the stuff I wanted to do?

I thought we having fun.

No, you were the one having fun,

and we've been working our butts off

just to make you happy.

Yeah, when am I going

to get Chat-'Em-Up Chastity?

Tradition.

Mmm, horseradishy flavor.

You see that?

America, these damn kids

don't care nothing about no Christmas.

I'm here trying to get them something, something real.

I'm talking memories for a lifetime.

But all they care about is material things.

Well, if that's what they want,

then fine-- that's what they'll get.

Here. What's this?

Something you won't remember.

Ow.

Ow.

Chat-'Em-Up Chastity!

Seek and Destroy! Cool!

Yeah, enjoy, 'cause as of right now,

Christmas is canceled!

Ooh, look at this. Look.

(making engine revving noises)

One lump or two lumps,

Mrs. Limpson?

Why, two lumps, Penelope, thank you.

JORDAN: Merry Christmas, Penelope.

Hey!

Are you dialing?

(perky music playing)

I know, isn't that cool?

Okay, call me back, and I'll put it on hip-hop.

Look at them, America.

Laughing and playing like they haven't crucified Christmas.

It's a disgrace.

They don't deserve you.

Not at all.

(mumbling) Don't deserve...

Don't appreciate what somebody...

They don't deserve you, any of you.

Come on, in the box, Joseph and Mary.

Hop to it.

See you later, Three Wise Men.

(groans)

Move your ass, donkey.

Little shepherd-- baa.

(grunting)

Hey, babe, you all right?

Who's that for?

I don't know.

I don't know who it's for.

I checked all

my databases, my Palm Pilot,

my computer, my notes in my purse.

Ah, it's going to be okay.

No, it's not going to be okay,

because somebody is not going to get their gift.

Everybody else is going to get their gift, but somebody won't,

and I don't know who.

No, because it only takes one person to poison morale,

and make everybody believe that I'm a bad boss,

even though I bought them all stocking stuffers.

Come on, Wanda, chillax.

Relax, it ain't that serious.

I'll tell you what.

When you go to work Monday,

the first person to look at you sideways,

give it to them.

But I work so hard.

I know you do,

and you deserve a break.

Hey... chimney?

Come on.

Come on, baby.

That's my girl.

Tell you what we do.

Tomorrow, me and you go and do what we always do--

go watch the lights on Candy Cane Lane,

and have our own little merry Christmas.

What do you say?

Come on.

Okay. That's my girl.

JORDAN: Help! We've been robbed!

Somebody stole our Christmas!

BERNIE: Ain't nobody stole nothing.

Christmas is over as of yesterday.

Remember, you got your gifts?

Yeah.

Now, Nessa, I want you to watch your brother and sister

while your aunt and I go out

and do our traditional thing that we do.

Come on, baby.

BOY: Merry Christmas, Mother.

Merry Christmas, Father.

WOMAN: But if you're the fake Santa,

who was...?

(gasping)

MAN: But it never snows in Hawaii.

MAN 2: Oh, my God!

It really is joy to the world.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh. Oh, you are home.

It's so dark I was about to leave this on the porch.

Are Bernie and Wanda here?

No, they're out looking at Christmas lights.

Oh, I see.

Uh, to buy?

Mother... Mmm, well,

we're just here to drop off our holiday turtle bars.

Walnuts this year.

(laughing)

Well, Merry Christmas, Vanessa.

Oh, boy, somebody's wearing a bra.

Let's go, Mother.

Happy holidays, honey.

Uh, bye.

I don't like being home alone

on Christmas Eve.

It makes me feel like we're back in Chicago.

Yeah, but here we don't have to keep the oven open

to heat the house.

Uncle Bernie hasn't sold the TV.

Mmm. There's the tree.

Honey, don't you think giving them their gifts early

was a little harsh?

Sweetheart, that's all they wanted.

They don't care nothing about no tradition.

Wanda, I love Christmas.

I know, honey, I know.

Ooh, honey, look at this house.

Wow, yeah.

Oh, Lord, that's brighter than Caesar's Palace.

Wow.

It sure is, baby.

It's really something this year, ain't it?

Mm-hmm.

With all the houses on this block being so bright,

you could see them from space.

It's pretty.

Wow. The kids are really missing something this year.

Are you... thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

Kids, we're home!

KIDS: We're in here!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas.

Oh, it is now, kids. Thank you.

Here, Uncle Bernie, we fixed your gingerbread house.

I hope you like it.

Royal Burger!

♪ This Christmas ♪

♪ The fireside is blazing ♪

I'm surprised you all wrapped your own gifts.

Yeah, because you already know what they are.

It doesn't matter.

It's more fun to rip the paper off

on Christmas morning.

Uncle Bernie,

can we have Royal Burger every Christmas Eve?

Sure can.

It'll be our new Mac tradition.

Who wants eggnog?

I made it myself.

Oh, let me have it.

Come on, baby, get one.

Everybody dig in, come on.

Thank you.

All right, a toast.

To the new Christmas spirit,

which is alive and well

in the Mac household tonight.

Merry Christmas.

♪ This Christmas ♪

See that right there, America,

that's our family photo this year.

Pretty as a picture.

Even though baby girl eggnog

tasted worse than Milk of Magnesia.

But I'm just glad the kids

are finally feeling the Christmas spirit

because I'm feeling it, too.

And America, I hope you have yourself a wonderful Christmas.

And while I'm at it-- Canada,

you have a nice Christmas, too.

And a shout-out to Mexico.

Feliz Navidad.

And hey, Joyeux Noel, France.

O, Tannenbaum, Germany.

And Merry Christmas to the entire world.

Oh, and from the Mac man personally,

to the soldiers--

Merry Christmas.

(clears throat loudly)

(all laughing)

I'm sorry.

Joe, can you call the doctor?

I got to get Paul in. You're going to get it.

I forgot my Flonase. Sorry. Sorry.

Here, Uncle Bernie,

we made your gingerbread house... again.

That's not the line. (laughter)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA