Original subtitles

Okay, give me a verb.

I'm done with the Mad Libs, Jordan.

Come on, just one verb.

Hush.

Oh, Thanks.

Hey, baby. Yeah, honey.

You know we got some people moving in next door?

I didn't know the other people moved out.

What was their name...?

Uh... Um...

I don't know.

I have no idea.

Okay give me an adjective.

Bothering.

Bothering me.

Okay, now, that's not an adjective.

Bothersome.

Can you teach me to whittle?

Give me this... Wanda.

Look at this fool.

Baby, can we put him back into karate?

Okay,

can I at least have a BB gun? No.

Moped? No.

Tree house?

A little box in the tree

where he can spend all his free time.

America...

you thinking what I'm thinking?

We'll pick the lumber up in the morning.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Ooh, what happened?

The new neighbors turned their sprinklers on me

just 'cause I was sitting on their lawn.

You sure it wasn't no accident?

Their sprinklers are probably on timers, sweetie.

I saw a man look at me before they came on.

He did it on purpose

and you don't even care.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

I'm going to go over there and get to the bottom of it.

Can you pick up Bryana and her friend

from soccer for me please?

Sure honey, I'll take your car.

I got lumber in my car.

Side bar.

She doesn't like us in her car.

Now, I don't mind taking them to school

or to the doctor,

but picking them up from soccer?

I may as well haul pigs out to the market.

Yeah, that's true.

Look, I will unload the lumber myself.

Where is your weight belt? Wanda.

It's not like I don't love the kids.

I know that. I love the kids.

Yeah, I know. Okay, so did I hesitate

to give up my office for Vanessa's room?

Mm-mm. No. I did not.

Okay, and did I flinch

when Bryana threw up on me last week?

You should have. But I didn't.

No, you didn't.

And I didn't say one word

when that boy broke my high heels

playing dress up.

What?

But, honey, it's my car.

It's the last thing

that says "Wanda" and not "Mom."

Wow.

Baby, you're right.

I, I wasn't thinking.

But I always put a quarter in Bryana's sock.

I'm quite sure she'll figure out

to call somebody else

to come pick her and her friends up.

Don't worry about it.

Oh, that's good.

Fine. I'll go get her.

Thank you.

Dress-up.

(clearing throat)

Hey, what's up?

My name is Bernie Mac

and this is my niece, Vanessa.

We live next door-- welcome to the neighborhood.

Well, Marcus Chatman.

Nice to meet you. I'm a big fan.

Hello, Vanessa.

Um, uh...

Marcus, this is kind of awkward, but...

earlier, my niece was sitting on your lawn

and your sprinklers came on.

Did you get wet?

I'm so sorry, Vanessa.

I saw you look at me.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I saw you drawing out there,

but by the time the sprinklers went on

I was just as surprised as you.

They're on timers, you know.

That's what we tried to tell her, but she didn't...

Man, is that a 52-inch flat screen?

61-inch.

No kidding.

You know once you go flat, you don't go back.

I like that.

Yeah, I tried to turn them off, you know,

but I still don't know where

all the light switches are in this place yet.

Well, we knew it was a reasonable explanation.

(sniffing)

Man, is that a Cuban?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Why don't you come by later?

I got a walk-in humidor full of them.

You're kidding. Huh-uh.

How about 7:00? I'll see you then.

Oh, and I still haven't quite figured out

those sprinklers yet, so you better be careful.

Hey, welcome. Mmm.

Okay. Yeah.

See you later. Come on.

I like him.

The girl just doesn't know good neighbors when she see one.

They could be like back in the day

when we were sitting on the stoop

talking all hours of the night, sipping wine.

I mean, I don't mean to make the guy my new best friend, America.

Hell, I don't even know if the boy play golf,

but if he does, he gonna be my buddy.

Stop.

Okay.

Who wants to be powder fresh?

Oh, great,

and, baby girl, you'll learn to like it, cheer up.

Oh.

Hey, baby.

Hey.

To the sexiest soccer chauffeur in town.

Oh. Thanks.

Sorry about your car.

My car is fine.

Oh, it's fine? Mm-hmm.

You mean to tell me no Cocoa Puffs on the seat?

No wet boogies on the window?

None of that.

See, you just have to know how to manage

the situation.

Oh, and by the way, I told Bryana

I would pick her up again

on Sunday.

Sweetheart, you lucked up on this one.

I did? Yes, you did.

I'm telling you playing with fire.

That pristine driving machine you got

going to turn into a Mom's car.

Now, you watch what I tell you.

I don't think so-- just because it happened

to yours doesn't mean it's going to happen to mine.

See, I know what I'm doing.

Oh, is that right? That's right.

Okay, you know what you doing, do what you do.

I'll do what I do. You do what you do.

Well, it's done.

Ooh. What is that? Talk to me later.

Stop.

This is the den.

Oh, man, this is nice. Real nice.

Thank you.

I'm telling you...

(dog growling)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell is that unholy creature?

Oh, that, that's Oscar.

These guys are bred to fight bulls.

I look at him, I see myself.

No, no, you're not that ugly.

I don't mean nothing, you know that.

I'm a lawyer, see, I'm a litigator.

I get you in that court room,

I lock down, I don't let go.

Right, Oscar?

(barks, growls)

Scotch? Single-malt?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll take a little bit.

Thank you.

Now, don't take this the wrong way, Bernie,

but when I heard I was moving in next door

to a couple with three kids,

you know, I was worried,

but then, when I heard it was you, I was cool,

because when it comes to kids, Bernie Mac don't play.

Let me tell you something.

I'm from the old school.

Marcus, I feel a kid shouldn't speak unless he's spoken to.

If you're old enough to talk back...

...you're old enough to get hit

in the throat or the stomach.

My man. My man.

You want some more Scotch?

Well, I-I really shouldn't.

I got an early day with the boy tomorrow.

Oh.

I mean, well I said I shouldn't.

I didn't say I wouldn't, though.

Yeah. I'll take a little splash.

The pool is deep.

Lifeguard on every station.

Somebody drowning.

Good man.

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie, this is awesome.

I can't believe we built this. It's the best.

Okay.

Watch yourself, son.

Good.

Hey, Uncle Bernie.

-Huh? -Shouldn't the lock be on the inside?

Yeah.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Uh oh. What are you so happy about?

Because I'm coming in and he's staying out.

Baby, I'm free at last, free at last.

Uncle Bernie, can I eat dinner in my tree house?

♪ Hallelujah ♪

You can eat any meal you want.

That's your tree house.

That's your home, that's your castle,

and you ain't even gotta ask,

'cause I ain't going to say boo.

I might lay some carpet.

I'll get the staple gun.

What?

Oh, baby, you... you babying the boy.

That boy should be able to handle a staple gun.

You should have saw him with the hammer, Wanda.

I saw him.

Damn. All right, I'll do it.

The whole idea was to get the boy off my back.

He treat me like a pack mule.

Jordan!

America, look at me.

Every time I think I'm done,

the boy wants something else.

He wants a skylight.

Now, America, you tell me,

what's a boy who's used to sleeping three to a bed

know about a damn skylight, huh?

I'm sick of that damn tree house and I'm sick of trees.

Well, honey, just say no.

If I say no, baby,

I mean he going be unhappy up there,

and that mean he going to come back down here.

BRYANA: Look what I've got.

What?

"My child is a star student at Wellington."

Oh, congratulations, honey.

Oh, baby girl, this is nice.

It's for you, Aunt Wanda.

Okay. Oh, okay.

You're supposed to put it on your bumper.

I can't put this on my bumper.

Hmm.

Because I can't see it back there.

So

I am going to put this

on the refrigerator.

That way the whole family

can see it every time we get something to eat.

Okay? Okay.

Okay, let's go do that.

JORDAN (on radio): Uncle Bernie. Remember when you told me

not to lean against the wet paint?

Well, bring a roller and a new shirt.

Over.

This...

(doorbell rings)

Hey, Marcus.

What's happening, man?

What's up with you?

I noticed your new addition in the backyard.

You didn't tell me you were adding on.

Oh. You're talking about the tree house.

Don't get me started.

See, I built the tree house

for my nephew to keep him out of my hair,

but he ended up being a big pain.

The thing is, see,

I had this incredible Zen garden

built in my backyard.

Zen garden.

Flew in the top guy from Japan.

Wow.

Oh, yeah, he arranged

every rock, every grain of sand.

This is, it's a freaking piece of art.

It cost me 50 large.

$50,000?

Just for some sand?

Yeah, see, the thing is, it's all designed

around this focal point.

See, it's where your eye is drawn,

but not anymore.

As of yesterday,

your eye is drawn to a child wearing a cape in a shack...

right above it.

Did you hear that?

Sounds like music to my ears.

Maybe you didn't hear like I did.

Listen.

Marcus, are you, uh...

asking me to tear the tree house down?

(whispers): Thank you.

You heard him.

America, the man has a focal point.

I mean, what was I supposed to do, tell him no?

He's my neighbor.

You got to be good to your neighbor.

The Lord says so.

My hands are tied,

but fortunately, I can handle a crowbar.

I brought that tree house into the world,

and I'm going to take it out.

(birds chirping)

I can't believe you're going to take down

Jordan's tree house for that guy.

Well, believe it-- that's what a good neighbor does.

Jordan, come on down here; I need to talk to you, son.

You don't want to talk.

You want to take down my tree house.

Vanessa told me.

Stool pigeon.

Look, come on down from there now, son.

Come here. No.

You said this was my home.

I'm defending my home.

Well, you've been evicted...

and don't act like no stranger to being evicted.

Is there a problem, Bernie?

Oh, hey, hey, neighbor, no, it ain't nothing.

You know, the young blood is just a little...

high strung right now.

Man, I figure give him a couple hours

to be starving to death'll bring his butt right down.

Eh... wait, is that... is that a bucket of food?

Nessa!

Ne... Nessa, come on, now, what you doing?

Just being a good neighbor.

How'd you expect him to react when you tell him

you're going to rip down his little tree house?

He's stubborn just like you.

You keep saying I'm stubborn.

I'm trying to tell you that I'm not.

(snickers)

What's wrong?

The bumper sticker is gone.

Baby, forget that bumper sticker.

I'll get you another one.

I'm trying to talk about something serious.

Come on over here. No, no, no.

See, it has to be here somewhere.

It can't just... walk away.

Oh, Lord.

(car alarm blaring) (screaming)

(alarm stops)

Your car scared me.

Uh, sweetie, what were you doing?

I was trying to put the sticker on the bumper for you.

Uh... tell you what.

Let's forget about the refrigerator, okay?

I am going to frame that,

and I'm going to hang that up in my office

so all of my coworkers can see

what a good student you are, okay?

Okay. All right, give me a little something.

Jordan!

Jordan!

(over radio) Use the walkie-talkie, Uncle Bernie.

I can hear you, and you can hear me.

Ain't no need to use no walkie-talkie.

Jordan, stick your head out the window right quick.

Now, let me tell you something.

If you don't come down this second,

you going without television for a whole month now, you hear me?

I don't have TV in here anyway.

America, how can you punish a kid

who's happy living in a box?

A boy his age should be addicted to TV.

Where did I go wrong?

I mean, look at you.

You and your kids-- you're all watching TV.

You're good parents, America.

Son, listen.

Why are you willing to give up television for a whole month

and get a whooping for an old ugly box in a tree, huh?

Because we built it... together.

It's ours.

Damn.

Turn the TV off and do something with your kids,

because the rewards are immeasurable.

"We... we built it together, you... and me."

Thanks. As I was saying,

you know how little boys get attached to things.

I remember when I was his age, I had a truck tire.

I used to play with it all day, roll down the hill in it.

You ever have a tire, Marcus?

No. Listen, let me be clear.

The tree house comes down.

I've checked it out.

It violates zoning laws.

You're going to be like that? Oh, yeah.

I told you, don't mess with the bulldog, Bernie.

All right then, bulldog.

You have a nice day...

fake-ass Johnny Cochran.

(growls)

Fake-ass pit bull.

Nobody runs my nephew off.

Oh, no. We can't have that.

Okay, girls, you know the drill.

How come your mom

didn't put your bumper sticker on her car?

She's not my mom; she's my aunt.

That's so... yellow.

I know!

(laughs)

I wish we could stay up here forever, Uncle Bernie.

What happens when you grow up and get married?

I'll put up a curtain right here

so you can't see my wife's boobies.

(laughs)

Jordan, you know eventually

we'll have to tear this tree house down.

You know that. That's the law.

Yeah, I know...

but can't we stay up here all night

just to drive old Marcus crazy?

Yeah.

Ain't nothing going to get us down out of this tree,

not tonight.

(sizzling noise)

(sniffs)

Jordan... you smell something?

He's setting the tree on fire!

Help!

Over.

Hey, Marcus, my nephew got asthma.

Oh, good, then one more log

should do the trick.

Don't even try it-- I'm telling you he's just a child.

Man, this is between me and you.

Okay, then come down,

then he can come down,

then the tree house can come down,

and we'll talk, just you and me.

It ain't going to happen, not tonight.

Alright, I don't know why you want to make this difficult.

Well, I'll tell you what, Marcus.

Damn it. You just made it difficult.

No, Uncle Bernie, where are you going?

We're about to have a discrepancy of epic proportions.

Move now. You can't leave, Uncle Bernie--

not in the middle of a war.

America, if it was just me,

I'd go down there and kick Marcus' ass,

but it's not always about us grownups.

You see how much fun that boy's having?

I'm at war, but he's playing war.

Sometimes you got to listen to the wisdom of a child.

Back in the day, America, I'm telling you,

I'd let the pop go to weasel until the weasel go pop.

(coughs) Let me put over your nose.

(coughs): Okay, how's that?

That's better?

What do we got to do, Uncle Bernie?

I don't know, but I can't let you choke to death.

VANESSA: Hey, Uncle Bernie!

Hold on, hold on.

Heads up!

Hey, good looking out, Nessa.

Hmmph!

Load up.

Ready? Ready.

Let's go.

♪♪

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey, cut that!

Hey, stop that!

(screaming) Yeah!

Hey, I think we put the fire out.

Hey, what's he doing?

Ow! Stop that! You cut that out!

Look how mad he is, Uncle Bernie.

War is hell!

Oops, I cussed.

Well, well, we're in the foxhole.

Anything goes.

What's he doing?

Incoming.

Look out, get down!

You see what you get?

You play with the bulldog,

you're going to get bit.

Hey, what you think he doing?

Incoming!

What is that?

That's a bonsai tree.

The fool's tearing up his Zen garden.

That's not very Zen!

You're coming down.

You haven't seen anything yet.

You get in the way of my Zen garden,

and you're going to pay the price.

I haven't even started with you!

I'm beginning to think he turned the sprinklers on Vanessa.

Son, I think we better settle in.

It's going to be a long night.

Ow, I've been hit.

Medic, medic, man down, man down!

(birds chirping)

Uncle Bernie, we did it.

We made it through the night.

We won the war.

Yeah.

(laughing): We won. We won.

Come on, wake up.

You got to wake up.

Come on, wake up.

Oh, God, did you fall out of the tree house?

Baby, just a couple of heroes returning from battle, huh?

Well, welcome home, General.

Yes, ma'am.

Private.

Baby, little man earned his stripes.

I'm proud of him.

Oh, man... look at you guys.

You stink.

That's what battle does to a man.

(sniffs): Mad Natural.

And I'll tell you what.

To celebrate, I'm taking us all out to breakfast.

How about that?

Come on, let's get cleaned up.

Aw, do we have to?

Uh, no.

Let's go in my car.

BERNIE: Good. Come on.

Baby, you should've seen us.

The guy threw this bonsai tree, right,

And I smell good. and it came against the wall,

Oh, no, you don't. and then Jordan...

Who threw a tree? The-the neighbor.

I tell you, I kicked his ass.

Just when we thought we found

a way to work around these kids,

we learned the only way to make it is with 'em.

Now, I know what you say.

You say we should know that by now,

but I don't care what you say.

In our own little way, Wanda and I...

we're getting the hang of this, y'all.

Yes, sir, we're getting the hang of it.

I know what I'm doing. Is that right?

Yes, I do.

Well, put it on there.

Well, thank you. You like it?

Yeah, if you put it there, I'll find out.

Well, you know, I'm going to get it in there.

Yeah. Pick something I can put in there.

Yeah, well, put some crazy glue on there, then.

Why do I want to put some crazy glue in my hair?

Well, you know, let's move on, let's move on.

(rolling tongue): Carmen. Yeah.

Sweet... sweet... yeah.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA