Original subtitles

America... this past week has been

a real emotional time for me.

See, I went back home to Chicago to attend a funeral--

my old, favorite uncle, Uncle Elister.

And you know, being back home, surrounded by all my loved ones,

I come to realize one thing: I hate my loved ones.

They make me sick.

And you know what I'm talking about, America.

Y'all got some relatives you wish would be missing, too.

I can't take it no more.

America... Bernie Mac needs a break.

BERNIE: There you are.

All right, we off like a dirty shirt.

First thing we're going to do,

we're going to stop and get something to eat.

Something you can only eat in Chicago.

Ooh, deep-dish pizza.

I love Chicago deep-dish pizza.

-Yeah, pizza. -Pizza.

(chanting) Pizza, pizza...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, it ain't no pizza.

-What? -That's right.

It's hot dogs.

-Hot dogs? -You doggone right.

Authentic Vienna hot dogs, Chicago style.

(kids groaning)

Come on, hold on, hold on.

-(horn honking) -Whoa, oh, oh, oh.

Come on, baby. Oh, you'll see. Oh, you'll see.

VANESSA: Yes, I'll hold.

Which judge do you like,

Judge Mablean, or Judge Judy?

Whoo, I love Judge Mathis.

(chuckling) He is smart.

That's nice, Aunt Liva.

Oh, she is?

(laughing)

Well, when does work detail end?

Those people on Divorce Court are stupid.

I like Judge Mablean, though.

She's fair.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I did call earlier.

(laughing)

But I'm at a new number now.

818-555-5960.

Can you please make sure she gets the message?

It's her daughter, Vanessa.

Now I got a dressed up Chicago-style hot dog.

Baby, I got some American mustard, not that old French crap.

Look at this. (laughing)

(heart beating)

(laughing) It's got relish,

sauerkraut and some onions.

First one's all you, baby girl.

But I wanted plain!

Baby girl, this is better than plain.

-Just try it. Take a bite. -No!

What's wrong with her?

This is a masterpiece.

A Macangelo.

She don't know what's good.

I love you.

Can't find it nowhere. Not in New York...

Huh? ...Cleveland...

Huh? ...L.A.

(giggling)

You so silly.

Cut the camera off.

All right, here you go, your old boring hot dog.

With no Chicago on it.

Hmm.

(laughing)

Okay, so this is my cell phone number.

That a six?

Yeah, it's 818-555-5960.

(sighs) Okay.

But you probably won't have to use it because I won't be gone long.

Uh...

♪♪

MAN: Who that?

It's Bernie Mac.

Bernie?

It is I.

Bernie Mac!

(laughing) Willie.

What's up, baby?

What are you doing in town, man?

My Uncle Elister, he passed.

-Oh, I'm sorry. -Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I remember him.

He used to come in, see the show all the time.

-Sure did. -Wild Turkey and Coke.

No ice. And no tip.

That's him. Willie,

this is my wife, my nephew and my niece.

Hey, kids, did you know that your uncle

is the funniest comedian

that ever walked into this place?

Oh, no, I don't know about all that, Willie.

-Oh, yeah. -No, there was some funny cats

who come through here, now.

Yeah, yeah, but you know what?

They weren't Bernie Mac.

Man, do some of them old cats still come through here, man?

Oh, yeah, lots of 'em. They come up.

-That's good, man. -Yeah.

What about Tony Kay?

Now that brother was funny.

(laughing) Tony Kay.

Yeah.

No, he don't come up here no more.

Oh... Michael? He come?

No, no. Wait, wait, wait.

You talking about, um, Michael M.C.

or Big Mike Michael?

-Either. -No.

-Oh, man... -Uncle Bernie, I have to use the restroom.

Okay, okay, son. Wait a minute.

What about some of the old cats used to work here, like Clayton?

-Uncle Bernie... -Uh-uh.

WANDA: I'll take him.

Good, thank you, baby. Clayton?

What about Jack, Willie?

Jack? Jack, Jack?

Jack. Fat Jack.

He had buck teeth he tried to hide...

tried cover with that mustache.

Oh, yeah, Jack.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

No, no, he don't work here no more.

Oh, he don't, huh?

No, no, he got stabbed.

No!

(chuckles) Oh, yeah.

-He got stabbed? -Yes, he did.

What about Donny, he still come around?

Well, Donny's the one what stabbed him.

Get out of here.

Aunt Wanda?

What's "Ribbed for her pleasure" mean?

(laughing) No!

-Uh, Willie? -No!

Willie?

It was nice meeting you. Bernie, we're going.

No, no, W-Wanda, Wanda...

Willie, tell her about the heckler

that Warren Hutcherson shot who was sitting right over there.

Tell-tell her that one.

Uh, uh, we'll see you in the car.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

All right, all right, all right.

-(chuckling) -You're kidding.

GIRL: Hey, look who's here.

VANESSA: Raynelle.

Oh, Tinikki.

So, Hollywood, you back already?

Yeah, I had to come for a funeral.

Wait, you knew T-Dawg?

-No. -So, how's California?

You seen any movie stars?

Did you meet Lil' Bow Wow?

No, just a couple of my uncle's comedian friends.

What's his house like? Is it big?

Not that big.

-You got your own room? -Yeah.

-It's big. -Mm-hmm.

It's probably like Cribs, I'll bet.

Look, it's not that big of a deal.

-I mean, I like it better here. -Girl, you crazy.

Uh-uh, word. Well, you can stay here,

and I'll just go back to Cali and kick it in the big house.

You can't take the ghetto out the girl.

(girls laughing)

That's true.

Ooh, Vanessa, I like your shoes. Ooh, they're tight.

What up, girl? These joints is hot.

-How much were they? -I don't know.

They give my uncle stuff sometimes.

What? You didn't have to pay?

Girl, it's like you Venus or Serena, or something.

(girls laughing)

They a'ight.

They better than them raggedy shoes you got on.

Forget you. I'm hungry.

Let's go to Habib's.

You ain't got no money.

Who needs money? Let's roll.

I got money.

Let me buy.

I don't need your money, Hollywood.

(snickers) You need somebody's money.

Shut up.

You think you all that, huh?

I remember when

your ass wasn't too good to lift what you wanted from that store.

Now it's "my uncle this" and "my uncle that."

He ain't even that funny.

The Kings of Comedy was funny.

Mm-hmm.

Whatever.

Don't turn your back on me like you better than somebody.

I don't care how large you livin',

your momma's still a crackhead.

Oh, so what-- you bad now?

(punch landing)

Ooh, it's about to get crackin'.

Come on, girl.

Uh-uh, don't let her do you like that!

Hit her right there! Right there!

Yeah, that's right.

What you gonna do now, huh?

What you gonna do now, huh?

-Huh? -I got her shoes.

How you like that, Hollywood?

Come on, Ray.

I said come on!

(sniffling)

(phone ringing)

(sniffling)

(softly) Hello?

Mom?

Where are you?

(sniffles) I've been calling you and calling you.

I know, but I really need you.

I really need to see you.

Really?

(clears throat)

I'm near the Rec Center.

(sniffling)

Yeah, that's where we used to get chili burgers.

Okay.

About a half hour?

I love you.

Hey, baby girl, what was your favorite part

of Uncle Bernie's tour of Chicago?

I liked the part when we ate dinner at the hotel.

Just the cereal part?

What about the part I took you to the barber shop?

When I show you where I buy my shoes?

That was stupid.

"Stupid." Yeah, okay, I got your stupid.

I'll tell you what.

Wherever you all want to go, that's where we'll go.

Just tell me-- where you want to go?

-To a bathroom. -What?

Those hot dogs don't agree with me.

Could we please get to a bathroom now?

Aunt Wanda's gotta doody.

(snickering)

Thank you.

Hey, baby, you all right?

I feel so much better, honey.

BRYANA: Uh-oh.

Ooh, you got to go?

BERNIE: Oh, no-- come on, y'all.

Come on, honey, quick.

BERNIE: You're too little to have anything left.

(groaning)

-Bernie! -Yo.

-We got a problem. -Oh, Lord.

What's wrong, baby?

Oh, Lord!

WANDA: Honey, go get the hose.

-Watch out, baby. -Okay, honey, okay.

Ooh! Honey, that was me.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Turn her around.

Baby, don't drown the baby.

-Turn her around. -Okay.

-She did all that? -(screeching)

-Whoo, stankin'! -Okay. Ooh!

Hold her still, baby.

Okay. Whoo, you're getting heavy, baby.

Ooh, honey, honey...

Look out.

Lower on the pressure.

I can't. Whoo!

Okay, baby, get my feet right quick.

-Come on, now. -Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, I'm going to turn her around.

I'm about to fall down, I'm telling you.

Okay, baby, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Okay, just a little bit, just a little bit.

All right, right there.

This should be right here, right here. Good.

Okay, good.

Take your clothes off, quick.

Baby, it's on his way.

I didn't tell you to get naked, Jordan.

Come on, come on.

Hurry up, baby, come on.

Come on.

All right.

It's not my fault

they can't handle a good hot dog.

Jordan didn't get sick, and he weaker than a refugee.

I just wanted to show them my town my way,

but they had to ruin it for me.

Chicago, I'm not mad at you.

I'm just mad at those doggone kids.

(clearing throat softly)

Think I ate too many peppers.

Excuse me a minute, okay?

♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪

♪ It's not warm when she's away ♪

♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪

♪ And she's always gone too long any time she goes away ♪

♪ Wonder this time where she's gone ♪

♪ Wonder if she's gonna stay ♪

♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪

♪ And this house just ain't no home any time she goes away ♪

♪ And I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know, I know, I know, I know ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm leaving... ♪

I want you to scrub.

And no splashing.

And don't put no water in her hair.

(phone ringing)

Stop, Jordan.

Better not put no soap in her eyes. Hello?

What? Where are you?

What you mean come get you?

Hold on; baby, get my keys.

All right, listen, just stay right there.

I'm on my way, okay?

Uh, Bernie, Vanessa's not at Aunt Liva's.

I know; that was her.

Oh.

She's okay; I'm going to get her.

I'll be right back, okay?

♪ Any time she goes away ♪

♪ Any time she goes away ♪

♪ Any time she goes away.♪

You going to be okay?

(sniffling)

Why does she always do this?

Why?

Why can't she be like other moms?

It's not fair.

I know it's not fair, Nessa.

I'm going to tell you something.

I'm going to tell you something

I never told nobody, ever.

When I was a little boy--

maybe eight years old--

I had a birthday party.

Nothing special.

Just a few balloons.

A G.I. Joe.

And Big Mama gave me $15.

Nessa, that was the most money

I ever had in my life.

And my father called...

to say he was on his way.

He never showed up?

Oh, yeah, he showed up.

He showed up late.

But I was so excited, Nessa, I didn't even care.

Then he started telling me

about how his car broke down

and he had no idea how he was going to get the money.

I kept hollering, "I got some money, I got some money!"

And I ran in my room, and I broke my piggy bank.

And he grabbed my $15.

The funny thing about it was,

Big Mama caught him down the street,

and she bashed his head in with a skillet.

(both laughing softly)

She brought my $15 back.

But what I'm trying to say, Nessa, is...

parents make mistakes.

Sometime they make big ones.

But see, me and you, we lucky.

We got people in our lives that really, really love us.

Like my Uncle Elister,

although he wasn't my real uncle.

But I know he loved me.

So, my point I'm trying to say, Nessa, is...

you're a big girl now.

You can make decisions for yourself.

If you want to go see your mother...

I'll be more than happy to take you to see your mother.

No.

I just want to go home.

Hey, I'll have you in the hotel in a minute.

No, I mean home home.

You know what, Nessa?

Me, too.

Your Uncle Elister wanted you to have it.

Oh, his tackle box.

Open it later.

Oh, baby, it won't bite you.

Come on, y'all, let's take a picture-- come on.

Baby girl, come on.

Come on, baby, come on.

What is it?

Oh, baby, a bunch of clippings and pictures.

Wanda, this man kept every clipping

from when I was a kid all the way up to my career now.

Oh, look, a baby picture of you.

-I've never seen this before. -I haven't either.

Wow, look at you. You look chunky.

I am kind of thick.

So, what's wrong?

(both chuckling)

Look at that-- 1923.

Elister Bernard Dower.

Oh, my God-- his baby picture looks exactly

like you.

Damn, it sure do, don't it?

Hmm.

That's something--

that he kept all these things for so many years.

Baby, your uncle really loved you.

He did, didn't he?

Mm-hmm.

Wanda, he saved all this for me.

♪ Ooh, child, things are gonna get easier ♪

♪ Ooh, child, things'll get brighter ♪

♪ Ooh, child, things are gonna get easier... ♪

JORDAN: And then we went to the slaughterhouse,

and we saw these dead pigs.

I mean, it was kind of nasty.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

And then we ate these hot dogs.

They were good, but they had this bright green stuff.

And then my sister threw up, and we had to go

to this gas station, and we had diarrhea.

Ew, it burned.

And then we went to this old, old club,

I mean, that my Uncle Bernie used to work at.

And then I went into the restroom.

Do you know what "ribbed for her pleasure" means?

Captioned by VISUAL DATA