Original subtitles

America...

you've seen me every week.

You know how much I do for those kids.

Bernie Mac is a giver,

and those kids ain't nothing but takers.

Over these last few months, these kids have committed acts

that was unspeakable.

Stopped up my toilets, scratched my album and dented my car,

but now they've gone one step beyond.

They've done the unthinkable.

They ate my chicken.

Who ate my chicken?!

I got one rule

when I come from a gig, and what is it?

How'd your gig go?

Don't ask me nothin' stupid, Jordan.

Sorry.

Yeah, you are sorry.

-(phone rings) -You're probably sorry 'cause you ate my chicken.

Matter of fact, you open your mouth.

Let me smell your breath.

-Bernie! -Come here.

Hey, take a message, baby!

I'm getting ready to expose a criminal. Open your mouth.

-You crazy. -Yeah, I'm crazy

when somebody eats my chicken.

Baby, please listen.

I'm conducting an investigation.

It was D from Chicago.

Your Uncle Elister passed away.

How?

In his sleep last night.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

My Uncle Elister was very special.

Well, he wasn't actually my blood uncle,

but he lived across the street from us

when I was growing up.

He practically raised me, you know.

I remember my Uncle Elister bought my first bike.

He taught me how to ride.

He picked me up when I fell off of it,

and he comforted me when someone stole it.

Baby, I'm going to

have to go to Chicago and pay my respects.

Baby, we'll all go.

I know.

We're going to Chicago?

Can we see our mom?

Oh, Nessa, please.

Of course you can see your mom.

Without a doubt.

It's time for family.

You know what, Wanda?

I never got a chance to really thank him

for supporting me and believing in me.

I never, ever, ever got a chance to thank him.

Baby, I think he knows how much you care.

Aunt Wanda.

Have you seen my pirate cape?

Honey, I'll help you pack.

Know what, Jordan?

Don't be like your Uncle Bernie

and wait till somebody dies

before you get a chance to tell them you love them.

Mm-mm. No way.

Don't be like me.

Uncle Bernie, I...

I...

I ate your chicken.

Jordan...

don't worry about it.

(jet engine roars)

BERNIE MAC: Look at that champagne.

Bernie Mac in coach.

You doggone kids.

Yeah, right back at you.

Hey! Turn around!

Leave my Uncle Bernie alone!

He's 'motional.

Yeah, 'motional.

This is our first trip as a family.

Can I go sit by the window?

Go ahead.

(grunting)

♪♪

♪♪

Ow!

Oh, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, miss.

I'm ready for my meal right now.

(retching)

(retching)

(grunting)

(both grunting)

PILOT: On behalf of the crew, I would like to welcome everyone

to Chicago O'Hare airport.

Oh, yeah. Chicago.

I'm home, baby.

PILOT: There appears to be traffic at the gate,

so unfortunately, we're gonna have to sit still here

for about 45 minutes to an hour and a half.

Please have some peanuts, complimentary on us.

Oh.

Oh, goodness.

Hi, baby.

Beanie.

Hey, Mama Liva.

Oh, come on in here, boy.

You look good.

Oh, Beanie,

your uncle would have been so glad you came.

Oh, Mama Liva, you kidding, man?

Y'all my family.

Shoot, I'd have walked here.

(chuckles)

Bernie Bern Bern.

Hey, what's up, D?

-What's up, big brother? -What's up, man?

Man, sorry I couldn't get here earlier.

Oh, that ain't nothing.

You know how it is working for the man.

I mean, the supervisor want a brother

to work the whole 9:00 to 5:00, man.

Hey, D, I'm truly sorry about your dad, man, really.

It's heavy.

I can still smell him on his coat.

Hey, how'd they let you on the plane with that weapon?

I ain't got no weapon. What you talking about, D?

Wanda, man. She's like a fine bomb, boom!

Hi, D.

Hey, Wanda.

Hey, kids. Look at these kids.

Last time I saw y'all, I was bringing that couch over to y'all's house.

Remember when I was bringing that couch

over to y'all's house?

Man, them kids love me, Bernie.

Yeah, I see.

Everybody loves you, D.

BOTH: Named it Earl.

(laughing)

Oh, he was a good man.

He really loved you boys.

I know, Mama.

Hey, listen, you kids,

why don't you all go in the front and watch television

while us grown folks sit here and talk a little while, okay?

Go ahead, go ahead.

Okay.

And if you lose the picture, just jiggle the hanger.

And we only get channel two.

Mama Liva,

why don't you let us take care of the funeral arrangement?

I mean, it would do my heart real good, please.

Oh, no, no.

You're such an angel, but D's taking care of everything.

That's right; it's going to be beautiful, Mama.

I know it is.

Let me help you.

Bernie, let me put this bug in your ear over here.

Hey, um,

now I'm going to handle everything, right,

but I'm still waiting for Daddy's check from the government, man.

You know how slow they can be.

Hey, maybe you don't remember, you know.

You're big time and everything now, but,

could you float me for a minute, man?

He did not just say that.

He did not just ask me for money.

Oh... D!

Had to ruin everything.

America, I know we all got

somebody in our family just like this, too.

And if you don't think so, then it's you.

D, why don't we go down in the morning and take care of it.

You my dog, man.

Yeah.

And, hey, you already offered anyway, right?

Mama, I get that, I get that.

Now this is one of our best sellers.

White oak.

Very nice, very understated.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Mm-mm, no.

What's wrong, D?

Come on, Bernie, this looks like

somebody's shop class project.

Thing can't cost more than $200, man.

Well, well, what do you suggest, D?

Bernie, when Biggie died...

R.I.P.

they put the brother in a gold coffin

lined with velvet.

It had his initials in diamonds on the top of it.

I know this man ain't trying to tell me

my daddy ain't as good as Biggie.

We do special requests,

but it can get a bit expensive.

Hey, man, hey.

My father died.

Now I know we ain't up in here trying to pinch pennies.

Ain't that right, Bern?

Um... I mean, let's just hear what the man got to say, D.

Let's just walk around

see if we can pick out something more proper.

Okay, you're right. You're right.

Maybe something like solid teak?

Ebony wood, something like that?

I think my daddy's worth it, right?

This is expensive.

And it don't even move.

What is that? Rustproof.

Air con...

This is some...

Let's move on.

Thanks, cuz.

I think we really did right by Daddy back there.

Yeah, Mama Liva will be proud.

Come on, I want to show you something.

Wow, look at this D.

-16 years, man, up here. -Mm-hmm.

I've got some fond memories.

We didn't have much.

Big Mama said living over the church may have brought us closer to God.

Wow, man, look at this.

This is what Big Mama used to measure us, man.

Look, there was me, Stacy, Darrell...

Aw, look at this spurt.

We couldn't even afford any slacks.

(laughing)

I know you walked around for about a year wearing those floods.

Yeah, man, ya'll was cold.

You all used to call me uh... (snaps fingers)

-Oh, Nor. Yep. -Nor, yep.

Ain't nobody calling you Nor now.

Look at you man, custom made suits.

Hmm. You ain't doin' too bad yourself, bro.

Man, I'd be doing a lot better if I could get one of these ideas off the ground, man.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

I got big ideas jumpin' off all the time. (laughs)

In fact, you standin' in one of my big ideas right now.

What you lookin' at?

Now, see, what may look like an ordinary old church to you,

to me... it's a club.

A club?

A comedy club.

Now hold on, stand right over here.

Now over here, this is the stage, okay?

Now right, we're going to put a bar.

And this wall, just get rid of it.

Knock this whole thing out.

Extend the seating out that way.

And right here where you're standing,

that's the dance floor.

Check it out, I got a name, okay.

You ain't going to believe this.

"Buster Guts."

You get it?

It's like "bust a gut"

but it's "bust-er gut."

Now that's comedy, man.

What do you think?

D, listen, you know,

you have to really know what you're doing

to put up a club and it cost a lot of money.

Money ain't a thing, man. That's where you come in.

You're gonna give me the seed money

to get it started, because the way I figure it,

if you got ten grand to dump into the ground,

you definitely got ten grand

to launch a dream.

Woo.

Why does he do this? Why?

Why does D do this?

You know, maybe D has changed.

I shouldn't judge him, America.

I shouldn't judge him by his past.

Maybe it's probably just a loan.

And I'm sure he's got every intention on paying me back.

The nerve of that damn fool,

askin' me for ten damn thousand dollars.

I should have given him

10,000 kicks right in the crack of his damn ass.

That's what I should have did.

Okay, I'm going to give him the money.

But this time, we puttin' it on paper,

and he got to have a solid business plan,

and it better be notarized.

(crying)

Bernie Mac is depressed.

Damn, damn, damn!

Well, mm...

D is D.

(ringing)

(groans)

Hello.

Good morning, this is the front desk. It's 7:20.

No, I didn't have no wake-up call, sweetheart.

You got the wrong number.

I ordered it.

Mom can have visitors at 8:00,

so we have to be on the road by 7:30.

You have about five minutes.

All of our patients are in their rooms

right now for private reflection time.

We set visiting hours to coincide with this time,

because it's nice and peaceful and quiet.

Okay.

I made that.

Stacy, you have visitors.

Stacy?

Where's Mommy?

That's a very good question.

Excuse me.

Bob, it's Donna. We have a situation.

Maybe it'd be better if you came back later.

Hey, listen, we're going to go.

We'll see your mother at the funeral, okay?

Come on, baby girl. Come on, Jordan.

Let's move on.

Hey, y'all. Y'all ready?

Uncle Bernie...

Huh?

I don't want to see dead people.

You're not going to see any dead people, baby.

We're just going to go say a few nice words,

and pay our respects.

When you die, I'm going to say my respects.

Uncle Bernie, when you die can I have your house?

I'm going to outlive y'all.

(telephone rings)

Hello?

Stacy.

Hey, girl, what happened to you?

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hold...

Hold on now. Watch your tone.

Watch how you're talking to me.

You sitting up there gonna try to trip on me.

I'm trying to do you a favor.

I bring your kids to see you, you ain't there.

You trying to get better?

H-Hello?

Hello?

She got a lot of nerve, America.

How do I get to be the bad guy after all I've done?

Taking those kids in?

She's lucky I've actually grown fond of the ungrateful urchins.

I mean, America, no good deed...

no good deed.

She gonna trip out on me.

Junkie.

That's right. Okay, what you call it?

Okay? I thought so.

( Amazing Grace plays)

Psst. Psst.

-Psst. -What?

I was thinking about our club.

You know who we should get for our opening night act?

Chris Tucker, boy.

He really made me laugh, you know.

D. D...

This ain't the time or the place, man. My God.

You right, you right.

I'll holler at you over by the crypt.

ALL: ♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch like me ♪

♪ I once was lost ♪

♪ But now I'm found ♪

♪ Was blind... ♪

What do you think about topless waitresses?

D, I'm here to pay my last respects to your father.

No, no, your father.

I know, I'm just saying.

I know what you're saying, D. Shut up.

♪ Was blind... ♪

(humming)

PASTOR: Let us pray.

Nighttime daycare. Mull that one over.

White liquor nights.

See, what's the first thing pop into your head? White people, right?

But it ain't white people. It's white liquor.

You get it? It's like a double, um, entourage...

entree... what's the word?

(voice cracking) Bye, Daddy.

I will give thanks to the Lord.

Hey, Bern, I got this cat

who got a line on a liquor license.

You want to holler at him real quick?

Some other time, D. But he's on the phone right now, man.

He's a busy man. It's not like he's going to hang around forever.

You want me to tell him to call back later?

I'll tell him to call back later.

Thou has set on the throne,

given righteous judgment.

Give me this doggone phone.

Give it here, D!

Before we commit Elister's body to the ground,

would someone like to say a few kind words

about this gentle soul?

I was just saying...

This brother getting on my...

All you ever wanted was a handout.

You dirty, greedy bastard!

All you ever did in your life is take, take, take.

Why? All you did was sit in the house and watch TV.

Now you getting just what the heck you deserve,

and that's nothing. Nothing!

It ain't a person up in here don't feel the same.

Lord, I feel so much better getting this off my chest,

I swear to God. Go to hell!

I mean, it's okay, Bernie.

I know how much you love your uncle.

I ruined the burial, didn't I?

Oh, you didn't ruin anything.

I know how D can drive a man crazy.

Mama Liva, I was thinking about lending D the money

to open up a comedy club.

(laughs)

Well, Beanie, you might as well just give me the money,

let me flush it down the toilet,

'cause that's exactly what he's going to do.

Oh, Mama Liva.

Now, he's my son, and I love him.

But the boy is trifling.

Now you keep your money.

I'm just so sorry I didn't get a chance

to pay my respect to Uncle E.

Oh, baby.

You showed your respect while he was alive,

and that's what counts.

Oh, Mama Liva, thanks.

I love old people.

You know, just when you think you know everything,

they drop some knowledge on you,

and open your eyes.

Sometime when you think you're protecting them,

it's them protecting you.

Respect your elders, America.

And pay those respect

like you're supposed to pay your bills--

I mean, on time.

Don't wait till the fifth and final notice.

Y'all know who you are.

Oh, you know.

♪ Suddenly the things you see ♪

♪ Got you hurtin' so bad, so bad ♪

♪ How come the things that make us happy make us sad? ♪

♪ Joy... and pain ♪

♪ Are like sunshine and rain ♪

♪ Joy... and pain ♪

♪ Are like sunshine and rain ♪

♪ Love can be bitter ♪

I almost forgot how good

your home-cooked food taste like, girl.

Well, let's see if you remember this.

Mm... Look at that.

BRYANA: Let me see.

That's your Uncle Elister right there, and that's me.

Every Sunday he used to take me fishing right over there,

that little lake over there?

And that's my first fish.

He even named it.

Oh, now, I don't know about all of that.

-Yes, you did. -BOTH: Named it Earl. (laughs)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA