Original subtitles

America, see, being a parent is a 24 hour-a-day job

with no pay and no benefits.

I mean, it's relentless, exhausting, time consuming.

See, that's why when the 25th hour rolls around

you need friends to take you away from it all.

See, my boys are like my blood.

They're solid.

Always there for me.

I'm talking about unconditional love.

As opposed to them kids.

See, they only love me when they want something,

break something, or they're afraid I might break something.

See, my boys love me all the time.

Except on poker night.

BERNIE: ...a long time ago, man.

-Oh, yeah? -I'll see that. There you go.

Ain't gonna save you, though.

-Come to papa. -(others groaning)

Oh, you know what they say.

It's the last train pulling into the station.

Figures, man.

I mean, you know the rules, dog.

The game always ends when Bernie's finally up.

Uh-huh. It's cool.

I gotta get home to my wife and kids.

And homeboy's gotta get home

to his girlfriend and kids.

Hey, they ain't my kids.

BERNIE: Hey, watch yourself.

Hey, Bernie, you know, if you want to keep on playing, man,

I'll stick around. It's cool.

Oh, Kelly, I already took all your money.

W.B.: ...every time.

I think the cards gotta to be marked, man.

-Please, please. -Come on, Daddy.

All the time I've been winning,

I'm surprised you ain't learned nothin'.

-All right, Bernie. -Shh, don't wake up my neighbors.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, K-Kelly.

What's up, man?

Hey, man, I've been working on some material

for a new routine. I want to run it past you.

Oh, Kelly, that's business.

Why don't we take care of that during business hours.

It's kind of late. I'm tired, I want to go to bed.

-Yeah, okay. -Okay?

-All right, man. -Okay.

-Hey, man. -Yo.

There's a Sanford and Son marathon on TV Land tonight.

What you say? "I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth."

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, you're gonna wake up the kids.

Man, I'm sorry.

Kelly, what's really wrong with you?

You act like you don't wanna go home, man.

Aah... that's kind of the thing, man.

I don't have a home to go home to right now.

What?

Me and Daphne broke up.

Oh, man, I'm sorry, man.

Why didn't you say nothing? We've been here all night.

You didn't say a word, man. We're boys. We tight.

I'd have brought out the good Scotch.

But, hey, don't worry about it.

We'll talk about it in the morning, okay?

-Okay. -Okay.

-Okay. -All right.

See ya.

-Hey, uh. -Huh?

Would it bother you if I slept in my car in your driveway?

They kind of hassle you if you park on the street, man.

Morning, lover.

(screams)

(screams)

(laughs nervously)

Bernie!

BERNIE: Oh, Wanda, baby, I'm sorry.

I was up with him all last night.

Him and Daphne broke up.

Oh, no. Is he okay?

I don't know.

I think he needs to be around friends.

(sighs)

Bernie, I appreciate what you're doing, but,

just be careful.

You might not want to get in the middle

of other people's business.

You know, these things could get messy.

Baby, what are you talking about, messy?

Kelly's my boy.

You just don't turn your back on your boy.

This is the worst I've ever seen him.

I mean, last night, he actually cried in front of me...

Oh...

America, there's only three reasons

to cry in front of your boys:

The Bears lose the Super Bowl,

you put your dog to sleep,

and the kids leave home-- and that's tears of joy.

(Wanda sighing)

Where's Kelly?

He's still sleeping.

Still?

He's been sleeping all day.

And mostly yesterday, too.

I'm hungry.

Baby, I'm gonna go see if he wants to join us, okay?

Okay.

Lord, have mercy.

Smells ripe up in here.

Smells like underarm and feet.

Kelly. Kelly, get up. Rise and shine.

-(groaning) -Let's go.

You've been sleeping for two days.

Come on, dinner's almost ready.

I'm not hungry, man.

I don't care if you ain't hungry, Kelly.

You need your nutrients.

Man, look at you-- you're all pale and everything.

Now, come on, get up. Come on, get up.

Wait, hold on, hold on. Where you going, Kelly?

Going to take a leak.

You can't be walking around here in your tighty-whiteys. I got kids out here.

Kelly, what's wrong, man?

I could get you something else, if you don't like veal.

Daphne refuses to eat veal.

It upset her the way they treat the baby cows.

She's so sensitive.

BRYANA: Baby cows?

I don't want to eat baby cows.

(Bernie clears his throat)

Kelly, do you know how hard it is to get these kids to eat?

Who's Daphne, anyways?

That's none of your business, baby.

No, no, no, it's all right.

She's my girlfriend.

Well, was.

(voice breaking) We broke up.

(crying)

You got dumped, huh?

-(snickering) -Hey, you shut up

before I stab you in your throat.

Now, you go to your room.

KELLY: No, it's all right, Bernie.

Let the boy stay.

I'll explain it to him.

Jordan, sometimes two people just grow apart.

But that's okay, 'cause I'm a man.

The book is closed, the chapter is over,

I'm done, I'm moving on!

(whoops loudly)

Okay, I feel better.

-I-I feel good. -Okay.

You know, l-let's talk about somebody else.

How about you, kids?

What do you like to do?

I like to watch TV.

(crying)

Daphne has my TV.

Uncle Bernie, you could send me to my room now.

Yeah, we all gonna go. Come on, come on.

-(crying) -BRYANA: Finally.

He's got problems.

(sobbing)

I'm sorry, America.

I didn't have the heart to tell him to wait outside

while you and I, we talked.

But I got to be honest with you. He's a little pathetic.

I'm embarrassed for my friend. He's become a shell of himself.

-I'm not sure what to do. -BRYANA: Give it back!

JORDAN: No!

Can you kids keep it down out there? I'm talking.

Damn kids.

(sobbing continues)

Wait a minute.

I think I got it.

But we don't want to.

Come on, gang, be a sport.

Jordan, show him that magic trick,

or do that thing you do with your eyelids.

Flip them over or something.

And baby girl, where are your Barbie dolls?

The man needs cheering up. Help me out.

But he scares me.

He eats baby cows.

And he pees with the door open.

Listen, for once in your life, think about somebody

besides yourself, you ungrateful urchins.

Now, I want you to go in there and show some love. Get!

(sobbing continues)

KELLY (as Barbie): I said, "Get out!"

(as Ken) But baby, please...

No "buts." You make me sick.

I need a man, not a child.

So, leave.

Take your stupid clothes and your stupid comic books,

and leave!

(as Ken) They're not stupid comic books.

They're collector's items. And I love you.

I don't care. I only love myself.

And I'm too selfish to consider your needs!

(as Ken, sobbing) I don't want to be alone.

Don't do this to me.

Get used to it.

And stop driving by my house.

(sobbing)

I don't know what to do, America.

I can't ask him to leave, but Kelly's making this house

very uncomfortable for everybody.

(sobbing continues)

I'm sorry you got to see this.

Kelly, Kelly...

Come here.

Pull yourself together, man.

(sobbing) I don't know what to do.

(mocking) I don't know what to do, huh?

What about you start acting like a man?

Shut up!

Tough love.

What?

Huh.

-Yeah. -Yeah...

What's happening, party people?

Ha-ha! Lookie here, baby. My man done showered.

Hey, Bernie, I want to thank you, man.

Our little conversation really smacked me back into reality.

You know what I mean?

Hey, man, we're boys.

I don't know what I was tripping on.

Why was I tripping?

Let's move on.

So, I was thinking,

maybe I can take the kids to Royal Burger,

you know, make it up to them.

(sighs) Kelly, uh, I-I-I don't know.

You and the kids

actually didn't click. Baby?

JORDAN AND BRYANA: Royal Burger! Royal Burger...

Royal Burger! Royal Burger! Royal Burger!

Yeah, I think it'd be all right.

(chanting faster) Royal Burger, Royal Burger...

All right, my man. Go on and have some fun.

Appreciate that.

Hey, you need something?

No, no, no, I got this.

Come on, y'all, let's go!

(door closes)

I'll run the bath.

I'll get the wine.

He poured cereal in his cereal.

I like to mix them.

Do mine, do mine!

-Yes, ma'am. -BERNIE: Kids, skip chewing,

and go straight to swallow.

I got a business meeting, and I can't be late.

Hey, you know what, Bernie?

-What's that? -You go ahead, man.

-I'll take them to school. -What?

And you know what? If you have any errands you want me to run

I'll take care of that, too. I ain't got

-nothing but time, man. -You kidding me, man.

-Come on. -I got a list right there.

Okay, cool. I got that.

-Thank you, man. -Yeah, man.

Hey, hey, can I pick them up from school, too?

Aw, stop, man.

Can I see Manny of the Deep Blue Sea today?

(stammering)

Please let me take them to see that.

Japanimation is dope!

Wow, man.

I mean, I don't know what to say, Kelly.

The last thing I want to do is sit in a three-hour movie

and watch some singing jellyfish, you know?

I got you, man.

Kelly, man, thank you, man.

Not a problem.

Man, you... You be good.

Yes, this is Bernie Mac, and I need a tee time.

Oh, that's fine.

Thank you.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Thanks for letting me crash here, man.

What? What you talking about?

-You leaving already? -Yeah, well, you know,

I feel a little weird staying here, man.

What you mean, "weird," Kelly?

Come on, man. I haven't been at my best.

I cried like a little girl

in front of your little girl.

That was a personal low.

Oh, I thought you said your personal low

was going to see that jellyfish movie.

-Oh, you're a funny guy. -Ain't no way, man, uh-uh.

I'm not going to hear of it. End of discussion.

You're staying right here, okay?

-Thanks, man. -Aw, man, no problem. Look here.

I want to talk to you about a little something, man.

You got that monologue you was trying to show me...

No, thank you!

And you can stay as long as you like.

I mean, Bernie Mac has tapped back into the life force,

if you know what I'm saying.

I didn't know that Kelly was such a good live-in...

I mean, maid.

(clearing throat) Houseguest.

I mean, he's really good with them kids, too.

I wonder if he does windows.

Or clean toilets.

The way he built, look like he used to pick cotton.

KELLY: "...and then they kissed.

And the handsome prince

and the beautiful princess

lived happily ever after."

Well, okay, y'all, that's it.

Y'all got to go to sleep now, okay?

BRYANA: Can you read one more? Please?

Okay, one more, all right?

One more.

WANDA: That... was so cute.

Yeah. I bet it won't be cute

when they can't get up in the morning. Bet you that.

What are you talking about?

Talking about Kelly. He don't know what he's doing, Wanda.

You got to cut those kids off.

You got to put your foot down.

Those kids are going to have him reading all night. Watch.

Ooh, well, they seemed like they were enjoying it.

Yeah, right, yeah, they was enjoying it

'cause they get to stay up late.

Well, they enjoy me out of one story, one.

Do you know why, Wanda? 'Cause I do the voices.

(deep voice) I do all the voices.

(high-pitched voice) He don't do the voices.

(cartoonish voice) I do the voices...

(slow-witted voices) You better do the...

(normal voice) I do the voices.

Bernie, if I didn't know any better,

I would say you were jealous.

Jealous?! I'm not jealous, America.

I got nothing against Kelly.

If he wants to read to baby girl, let him read to her.

He just creates more work for me in the morning, that's all.

Reading to baby girl's something I always did, though.

She likes it when I do the voices.

(low voice) Fee fi... She...

(high-pitched voice) Fee fi...

(normal voice) She really like it...

when I do the voi...

(distant coughing)

Oh, Lord.

Jordan.

There you are, son.

Coughing like a hyena.

Let me get your medicine for you.

That's okay, Bernie. I got it covered.

(stammering) Kelly?

Better let me do this.

-Thank you. -Okay.

Here, son. Take this right quick.

Here, just a little bit.

Take it. Good boy.

(groans)

Go down real smooth. Make you feel better.

Now I want you to go back to bed, okay?

(sniffles)

Thanks. Good night, Uncle Kelly.

Good night, little man.

You know, Kelly,

you really got to be careful with this.

-Really. -Well, you know, Bernie,

I wasn't trying to step on your toes, man.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, I was awake, I heard him cough,

and I didn't want you to have to get up.

Kelly, this is prescription medication.

It's not any cough drops.

You got to make sure he gets the proper dosage.

You really got to be careful with this.

America, is it just me

or is Kelly being a little presumptuous?

He seems to be dipping in my business.

Now I don't think I'm being paranoid.

Now hold on.

I don't remember smoking that cigar.

And my chair.

That's not my ass print.

Was Kelly talking to you all, America?

See, only I talk to you.

Whose house does he think this is?

This is Bernie Mac's house.

Hey, you know what?

I'm not mad at you, nah.

I'm just disappointed in you, America.

I thought me and you all was tight.

Remember I told you it was funky in here, America?

Well, it stinks now.

There are little alliances forming all around here

and I don't like it.

I don't know what my role is anymore.

I mean, I don't know how those kids see me.

Who am I, and what am I to them?

You're who you've always been.

The enemy.

The Incredible Hulk.

Bigfoot.

The guy who terrorizes me.

A big fat pain in the...

Hey, hey, hey.

I know who you are.

You're our Uncle Bernie.

Thanks, baby girl.

Uncle Bernie Poo-poo Head.

(laughing)

They see me as the bad cop.

Kelly the good cop.

Well, fine.

See, I can't afford to be nice.

I got responsibility raising those kids,

teaching them right from wrong.

Am I to blame for being more mature?

More of adult?

See, I could be the good cop, too.

But every time I try, Kelly's always in the way,

cop-blocking me.

Man, he doesn't have anything good.

All these are ancient.

Here, why don't you spin this.

-Hey, you like Outkast? -Yep.

(music plays)

Hey, hey, Kelly.

You tighten up that monologue I was telling you about?

Uh, you know, not yet, man.

I was planning on doing that a bit later.

You know what, I'm really kind of worried about it.

You think you can, you know...

Yeah, I can do that.

Man, thanks, man.

-Yeah, no problem. -All right.

Backgammon.

I'll play with you. Wanna play?

That's all right.

Oh, man, that was dirty.

I shouldn't have done that.

Yes, I should have.

I don't know.

America, Bernie Mac is torn.

Kelly's my boy and I'm treating him like a little flunky.

Aw, Bernie, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

BRYANA: Uncle Kelly!

Uncle Kelly?

Ain't no Uncle Kellys.

It's Uncle Bernie!

Talking about he's Uncle Kelly.

Uncle Kelly, I threw up.

Can you help me clean it?

Use the pine-scented cleaner, Uncle Kelly.

What?

Hey, why you all in here watching TV?

I thought you all was supposed to be doing your homework.

We're watching PBS.

It's educational.

Hey, who's up for a movie?

Yeah, I love movies.

What are we going to see?

Anything you want to see: ♪ Movie, movie, movie! ♪

Here you go, dog.

See what I got to deal with, America?

Of course the kids like Kelly, he's one of them.

He doesn't care if they do their homework.

"Let's go to the movie," he says.

He panders to them.

That's what he does.

He gives them toys to play with.

Why, I could be fun.

Uncle Bernie can be a fun uncle.

Hey, kids, Uncle Bernie's home.

Wanna have some fun?

Come on out.

(forced chuckle)

Yeah, kids...

Hey, Nessa, I got something in my teeth.

(beeping and buzzing)

Hey, Kelly.

What you doing taking people's kids

without their permission?

What the heck you thinking, man?

What's going on, man?

I thought we were boys.

Yeah, I thought we was boys, Kelly.

What you trying to say, Bernie?

I'm saying there's going to be a discrepancy.

What kind of discrepancies you talking about?

Um...

have you guys seen Bryana?

I thought she was with you.

She was standing right here a second ago, man.

Look, you all go that way.

Come on.

(scary/distored sound)

Hey, little girl.

What's your name?

Bryana!

It's okay, man, she's with me.

It's okay, Bryana.

Your Uncle Kelly is here, come on.

BERNIE MAC: Baby girl!

Uncle Bernie!

Hey, hey, hey.

It's all right.

It's all right, Uncle Bernie here now.

You wanna play some more games?

Wanna go home?

With you.

Look, America, if those kids want my man Kelly

to be their fun uncle, that's fine with me.

He can be there for all the fun and games,

'cause I'll be there for everything else.

See, it's not important that I be those kids' friend,

'cause my job is to be their parent

and let them know that I'm there for them always.

And you know what else, America?

As important as it is to be those kids' parents,

you gotta be your friend's friend, too.

Oh, hey, Kelly.

I want to say something to you.

First of all I want to say I'm sorry.

And I know I've been acting a bit of an ass, man,

and you know what? You're my friend.

And more important, you're like my blood.

That means a lot to me, Bernie.

You know I love you, man.

I love you, too, man. I'm sorry, Kel.

It's all good, man.

Hey, I know I stayed here

a little bit longer than I planned.

No, no, no, no.

But it's cool.

You ain't got to sweat it. I found a place.

-Oh, you did, huh? -Yeah, I move in on Monday.

Well, look here, Kelly,

you can stay here until Monday.

No, that's okay. You got the kids and everything.

Plus I need to be able to stay someplace where I can be a slob

and walk around in my drawers.

W.B.: Hey.

You all packed, dog?

Yeah.

Look, look, look, lookit, man. Stupid game.

Oh, this is a good game, now.

Let the kids see me now, lookit.

Yeah.

Look at me now, kids.

Wheel-O.

(chuckles)

This game don't make no doggone sense, but...

I'm a man.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA