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1
00:00:18,244 --> 00:00:22,137
America, see, being a parent
is a 24 hour-a-day job
2
00:00:22,214 --> 00:00:24,306
with no pay and no benefits.
3
00:00:24,382 --> 00:00:28,351
I mean, it's relentless,
exhausting, time consuming.
4
00:00:28,428 --> 00:00:30,979
See, that's why
when the 25th hour rolls around
5
00:00:31,056 --> 00:00:33,690
you need friends
to take you away from it all.
6
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,609
See, my boys
are like my blood.
7
00:00:35,685 --> 00:00:36,777
They're solid.
8
00:00:36,853 --> 00:00:38,111
Always there for me.
9
00:00:38,188 --> 00:00:40,739
I'm talking
about unconditional love.
10
00:00:40,750 --> 00:00:42,441
As opposed to them kids.
11
00:00:42,517 --> 00:00:44,618
See, they only love me
when they want something,
12
00:00:44,694 --> 00:00:48,121
break something, or they're
afraid I might break something.
13
00:00:48,198 --> 00:00:51,750
See, my boys love me
all the time.
14
00:00:51,827 --> 00:00:53,960
Except on poker night.
15
00:00:54,037 --> 00:00:56,963
BERNIE:
...a long time ago, man.
16
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:58,965
-Oh, yeah?
-I'll see that.
There you go.
17
00:00:59,042 --> 00:01:00,509
Ain't gonna
save you, though.
18
00:01:00,585 --> 00:01:01,935
-Come to papa.
-(others groaning)
19
00:01:02,012 --> 00:01:03,353
Oh, you know
what they say.
20
00:01:03,430 --> 00:01:05,814
It's the last
train pulling
into the station.
21
00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:07,066
Figures, man.
22
00:01:07,142 --> 00:01:09,226
I mean, you know the rules, dog.
23
00:01:09,302 --> 00:01:12,562
The game always ends
when Bernie's finally up.
24
00:01:12,639 --> 00:01:13,663
Uh-huh. It's cool.
25
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,232
I gotta get home
to my wife and kids.
26
00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:16,399
And homeboy's
gotta get home
27
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,859
to his girlfriend
and kids.
28
00:01:17,936 --> 00:01:18,985
Hey, they ain't my kids.
29
00:01:19,062 --> 00:01:20,487
BERNIE:
Hey, watch yourself.
30
00:01:20,564 --> 00:01:22,823
Hey, Bernie, you know, if you
want to keep on playing, man,
31
00:01:22,899 --> 00:01:24,116
I'll stick around.
It's cool.
32
00:01:24,192 --> 00:01:26,118
Oh, Kelly, I already
took all your money.
33
00:01:26,194 --> 00:01:27,402
W.B.:
...every time.
34
00:01:27,479 --> 00:01:29,213
I think the cards gotta
to be marked, man.
35
00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:31,090
-Please, please.
-Come on, Daddy.
36
00:01:31,166 --> 00:01:32,666
All the time
I've been winning,
37
00:01:32,742 --> 00:01:34,376
I'm surprised
you ain't learned nothin'.
38
00:01:34,452 --> 00:01:36,086
-All right, Bernie.
-Shh, don't wake up
my neighbors.
39
00:01:36,163 --> 00:01:38,588
See you tomorrow.
40
00:01:38,665 --> 00:01:39,714
Hey, K-Kelly.
41
00:01:39,791 --> 00:01:40,966
What's up, man?
42
00:01:41,042 --> 00:01:42,634
Hey, man, I've been working
on some material
43
00:01:42,711 --> 00:01:44,678
for a new routine.
I want to run it past you.
44
00:01:44,754 --> 00:01:46,230
Oh, Kelly, that's business.
45
00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:48,515
Why don't we take care of
that during business hours.
46
00:01:48,592 --> 00:01:51,268
It's kind of late.
I'm tired, I want
to go to bed.
47
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,311
-Yeah, okay.
-Okay?
48
00:01:53,388 --> 00:01:54,729
-All right, man.
-Okay.
49
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,356
-Hey, man.
-Yo.
50
00:01:56,433 --> 00:01:58,400
There's a Sanford and Son
marathon on TV Land tonight.
51
00:01:58,476 --> 00:02:00,694
What you say? "I'm coming
to join you, Elizabeth."
52
00:02:00,770 --> 00:02:03,446
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
you're gonna wake up the kids.
53
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,874
Man, I'm sorry.
54
00:02:05,951 --> 00:02:07,400
Kelly, what's really wrong
with you?
55
00:02:07,378 --> 00:02:09,828
You act like you don't
wanna go home, man.
56
00:02:09,905 --> 00:02:12,330
Aah... that's kind
of the thing, man.
57
00:02:12,407 --> 00:02:15,584
I don't have a home to
go home to right now.
58
00:02:15,660 --> 00:02:16,668
What?
59
00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:17,919
Me and Daphne broke up.
60
00:02:17,996 --> 00:02:21,464
Oh, man, I'm sorry, man.
61
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,267
Why didn't you say nothing?
We've been here all night.
62
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,594
You didn't say a word, man.
We're boys. We tight.
63
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:29,514
I'd have brought out
the good Scotch.
64
00:02:29,591 --> 00:02:31,150
But, hey,
don't worry about it.
65
00:02:31,226 --> 00:02:33,101
We'll talk about it
in the morning, okay?
66
00:02:33,178 --> 00:02:34,102
-Okay.
-Okay.
67
00:02:34,179 --> 00:02:35,437
-Okay.
-All right.
68
00:02:35,513 --> 00:02:36,196
See ya.
69
00:02:36,273 --> 00:02:37,905
-Hey, uh.
-Huh?
70
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:40,275
Would it bother you if I slept
in my car in your driveway?
71
00:02:40,286 --> 00:02:43,620
They kind of hassle you
if you park on the street, man.
72
00:02:55,617 --> 00:02:56,508
Morning, lover.
73
00:02:56,585 --> 00:02:57,542
(screams)
74
00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:58,919
(screams)
75
00:02:58,995 --> 00:03:01,638
(laughs nervously)
76
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:02,747
Bernie!
77
00:03:02,825 --> 00:03:04,341
BERNIE:
Oh, Wanda, baby, I'm sorry.
78
00:03:04,417 --> 00:03:06,810
I was up with him
all last night.
79
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,678
Him and Daphne broke up.
80
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:09,930
Oh, no. Is he okay?
81
00:03:10,006 --> 00:03:11,097
I don't know.
82
00:03:11,174 --> 00:03:12,933
I think he needs
to be around friends.
83
00:03:13,009 --> 00:03:14,267
(sighs)
84
00:03:14,344 --> 00:03:18,939
Bernie, I appreciate
what you're doing, but,
85
00:03:19,015 --> 00:03:20,565
just be careful.
86
00:03:20,642 --> 00:03:22,400
You might not want
to get in the middle
87
00:03:22,477 --> 00:03:23,986
of other
people's business.
88
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,329
You know, these
things could get messy.
89
00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:27,864
Baby, what are you talking
about, messy?
90
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:28,999
Kelly's my boy.
91
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,034
You just don't turn your
back on your boy.
92
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:32,744
This is the worst
I've ever seen him.
93
00:03:32,821 --> 00:03:36,081
I mean, last night, he actually
cried in front of me...
94
00:03:36,157 --> 00:03:38,208
Oh...
95
00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:40,377
America,
there's only three reasons
96
00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:42,295
to cry in front of your boys:
97
00:03:42,372 --> 00:03:44,256
The Bears lose the Super Bowl,
98
00:03:44,332 --> 00:03:46,149
you put your dog to sleep,
99
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:49,094
and the kids leave home--
and that's tears of joy.
100
00:03:49,170 --> 00:03:50,553
(Wanda sighing)
101
00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:51,805
Where's Kelly?
102
00:03:51,881 --> 00:03:53,473
He's still
sleeping.
103
00:03:53,550 --> 00:03:54,600
Still?
104
00:03:54,676 --> 00:03:56,393
He's been sleeping
all day.
105
00:03:56,469 --> 00:03:58,770
And mostly
yesterday, too.
106
00:03:58,847 --> 00:04:00,730
I'm hungry.
107
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:03,942
Baby, I'm gonna go see
if he wants to join us, okay?
108
00:04:04,019 --> 00:04:04,943
Okay.
109
00:04:05,020 --> 00:04:05,944
Lord, have mercy.
110
00:04:06,021 --> 00:04:07,404
Smells ripe up in here.
111
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,239
Smells like
underarm and feet.
112
00:04:09,316 --> 00:04:11,491
Kelly. Kelly, get up.
Rise and shine.
113
00:04:11,568 --> 00:04:12,534
-(groaning)
-Let's go.
114
00:04:12,610 --> 00:04:14,244
You've been sleeping
for two days.
115
00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:15,870
Come on, dinner's
almost ready.
116
00:04:15,947 --> 00:04:17,163
I'm not hungry, man.
117
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:18,957
I don't care if you
ain't hungry, Kelly.
118
00:04:19,034 --> 00:04:20,700
You need your nutrients.
119
00:04:20,777 --> 00:04:22,085
Man, look at you-- you're
all pale and everything.
120
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:24,638
Now, come on, get up.
Come on, get up.
121
00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:28,842
Wait, hold on, hold on.
Where you going, Kelly?
122
00:04:28,918 --> 00:04:31,053
Going to take a leak.
123
00:04:31,129 --> 00:04:33,897
You can't be walking around here
in your tighty-whiteys.
I got kids out here.
124
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,612
Kelly, what's wrong, man?
125
00:04:49,689 --> 00:04:51,948
I could get you something else,
if you don't like veal.
126
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,809
Daphne refuses to eat veal.
127
00:04:53,885 --> 00:04:57,287
It upset her the way they treat
the baby cows.
128
00:04:57,364 --> 00:04:58,830
She's so sensitive.
129
00:04:58,907 --> 00:04:59,956
BRYANA:
Baby cows?
130
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:02,625
I don't want to eat baby cows.
131
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,369
(Bernie clears his throat)
132
00:05:04,445 --> 00:05:07,297
Kelly, do you know how hard it
is to get these kids to eat?
133
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:09,132
Who's Daphne, anyways?
134
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:10,475
That's none of your business,
baby.
135
00:05:10,552 --> 00:05:12,886
No, no, no, it's all right.
136
00:05:12,962 --> 00:05:15,305
She's my girlfriend.
137
00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:16,556
Well, was.
138
00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:19,109
(voice breaking)
We broke up.
139
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:21,111
(crying)
140
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:22,628
You got dumped, huh?
141
00:05:22,706 --> 00:05:23,939
-(snickering)
-Hey, you shut up
142
00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,357
before I stab you
in your throat.
143
00:05:25,433 --> 00:05:26,566
Now, you go to your room.
144
00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:27,951
KELLY:
No, it's all
right, Bernie.
145
00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:29,119
Let the boy stay.
146
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:30,695
I'll explain it to him.
147
00:05:30,772 --> 00:05:35,575
Jordan, sometimes two people
just grow apart.
148
00:05:35,652 --> 00:05:39,629
But that's okay,
'cause I'm a man.
149
00:05:40,582 --> 00:05:42,874
The book is closed,
the chapter is over,
150
00:05:42,951 --> 00:05:44,834
I'm done, I'm moving on!
151
00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:46,511
(whoops loudly)
152
00:05:49,457 --> 00:05:51,257
Okay, I feel better.
153
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:52,759
-I-I feel good.
-Okay.
154
00:05:52,836 --> 00:05:55,970
You know, l-let's talk
about somebody else.
155
00:05:56,047 --> 00:05:57,430
How about you, kids?
156
00:05:57,507 --> 00:05:59,140
What do you like to do?
157
00:05:59,151 --> 00:06:00,725
I like to watch TV.
158
00:06:00,802 --> 00:06:02,602
(crying)
159
00:06:02,613 --> 00:06:04,696
Daphne has my TV.
160
00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:08,775
Uncle Bernie, you could
send me to my room now.
161
00:06:08,852 --> 00:06:10,568
Yeah, we all gonna go.
Come on, come on.
162
00:06:10,645 --> 00:06:13,405
-(crying)
-BRYANA: Finally.
163
00:06:13,481 --> 00:06:15,624
He's got problems.
164
00:06:21,957 --> 00:06:26,167
(sobbing)
165
00:06:26,244 --> 00:06:27,511
I'm sorry, America.
166
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:29,629
I didn't have the heart
to tell him to wait outside
167
00:06:29,706 --> 00:06:31,014
while you and I, we talked.
168
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,174
But I got to be honest with you.
He's a little pathetic.
169
00:06:33,251 --> 00:06:35,969
I'm embarrassed for my friend.
He's become a shell of himself.
170
00:06:36,045 --> 00:06:38,138
-I'm not sure what to do.
-BRYANA: Give it back!
171
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,772
JORDAN:
No!
172
00:06:39,850 --> 00:06:42,267
Can you kids keep it down
out there? I'm talking.
173
00:06:42,343 --> 00:06:44,227
Damn kids.
174
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:45,395
(sobbing continues)
175
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:47,272
Wait a minute.
176
00:06:47,348 --> 00:06:49,190
I think I got it.
177
00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:50,567
But we don't want to.
178
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:52,652
Come on, gang,
be a sport.
179
00:06:52,729 --> 00:06:54,612
Jordan, show him
that magic trick,
180
00:06:54,689 --> 00:06:56,072
or do that thing you do
with your eyelids.
181
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,240
Flip them over
or something.
182
00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:59,334
And baby girl, where are
your Barbie dolls?
183
00:06:59,411 --> 00:07:01,286
The man needs cheering up.
Help me out.
184
00:07:01,362 --> 00:07:02,879
But he scares me.
185
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:05,048
He eats baby cows.
186
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:06,875
And he pees
with the door open.
187
00:07:06,951 --> 00:07:09,544
Listen, for once in your life,
think about somebody
188
00:07:09,621 --> 00:07:11,588
besides yourself,
you ungrateful urchins.
189
00:07:11,664 --> 00:07:14,057
Now, I want you to go in there
and show some love. Get!
190
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:17,385
(sobbing continues)
191
00:07:17,462 --> 00:07:18,595
KELLY (as Barbie):
I said, "Get out!"
192
00:07:18,671 --> 00:07:20,555
(as Ken)
But baby, please...
193
00:07:20,632 --> 00:07:23,066
No "buts."
You make me sick.
194
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,393
I need a man, not a child.
195
00:07:25,470 --> 00:07:26,987
So, leave.
196
00:07:28,806 --> 00:07:33,076
Take your stupid clothes
and your stupid comic books,
197
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,777
and leave!
198
00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:36,779
(as Ken)
They're not stupid comic books.
199
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,741
They're collector's items.
And I love you.
200
00:07:39,817 --> 00:07:42,619
I don't care.
I only love myself.
201
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:46,039
And I'm too selfish
to consider your needs!
202
00:07:46,115 --> 00:07:48,458
(as Ken, sobbing)
I don't want to be alone.
203
00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:50,469
Don't do this to me.
204
00:07:50,545 --> 00:07:52,295
Get used to it.
205
00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:54,797
And stop driving by my house.
206
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:57,383
(sobbing)
207
00:07:57,460 --> 00:07:59,177
I don't know what to do,
America.
208
00:07:59,254 --> 00:08:01,855
I can't ask him to leave,
but Kelly's making this house
209
00:08:01,932 --> 00:08:03,932
very uncomfortable
for everybody.
210
00:08:04,008 --> 00:08:05,642
(sobbing continues)
211
00:08:05,718 --> 00:08:08,394
I'm sorry you got to see this.
212
00:08:08,471 --> 00:08:10,480
Kelly, Kelly...
213
00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:12,106
Come here.
214
00:08:12,183 --> 00:08:13,683
Pull yourself together, man.
215
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,276
(sobbing)
I don't know
what to do.
216
00:08:15,353 --> 00:08:16,903
(mocking)
I don't know what to do, huh?
217
00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:18,947
What about you start acting
like a man?
218
00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:20,957
Shut up!
219
00:08:26,155 --> 00:08:28,256
Tough love.
220
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,136
What?
221
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:35,847
Huh.
222
00:08:38,543 --> 00:08:39,776
-Yeah.
-Yeah...
223
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:40,894
What's happening,
party people?
224
00:08:40,971 --> 00:08:44,055
Ha-ha! Lookie here, baby.
My man done showered.
225
00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:47,058
Hey, Bernie,
I want to thank you, man.
226
00:08:47,135 --> 00:08:49,018
Our little conversation really
smacked me back into reality.
227
00:08:49,095 --> 00:08:50,061
You know what I mean?
228
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:51,396
Hey, man, we're boys.
229
00:08:51,472 --> 00:08:53,356
I don't know
what I was tripping on.
230
00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:54,399
Why was I tripping?
231
00:08:54,475 --> 00:08:55,400
Let's move on.
232
00:08:55,476 --> 00:08:57,109
So, I was thinking,
233
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,278
maybe I can take the kids
to Royal Burger,
234
00:08:58,354 --> 00:08:59,737
you know, make it up to them.
235
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:05,410
(sighs)
Kelly, uh, I-I-I don't know.
236
00:09:05,486 --> 00:09:07,287
You and the kids
237
00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:08,972
actually didn't click.
Baby?
238
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:10,790
JORDAN AND BRYANA:
Royal Burger!
Royal Burger...
239
00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:14,377
Royal Burger!
Royal Burger!
Royal Burger!
240
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:15,845
Yeah, I think
it'd be all right.
241
00:09:15,922 --> 00:09:17,922
(chanting faster)
Royal Burger,
Royal Burger...
242
00:09:17,999 --> 00:09:20,383
All right, my man.
Go on and have some fun.
243
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:21,551
Appreciate that.
244
00:09:21,628 --> 00:09:22,844
Hey, you need something?
245
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:24,345
No, no, no,
I got this.
246
00:09:24,422 --> 00:09:25,939
Come on, y'all,
let's go!
247
00:09:27,759 --> 00:09:28,975
(door closes)
248
00:09:29,052 --> 00:09:30,059
I'll run the bath.
249
00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:31,820
I'll get the wine.
250
00:09:37,894 --> 00:09:40,069
He poured cereal
in his cereal.
251
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,946
I like to mix them.
252
00:09:42,023 --> 00:09:43,264
Do mine, do mine!
253
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,866
-Yes, ma'am.
-BERNIE:
Kids, skip chewing,
254
00:09:44,942 --> 00:09:46,308
and go straight
to swallow.
255
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:48,202
I got a business meeting,
and I can't be late.
256
00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:49,212
Hey, you know what, Bernie?
257
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:50,380
-What's that?
-You go ahead, man.
258
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:52,014
-I'll take them
to school.
-What?
259
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,967
And you know what? If you have
any errands you want me to run
260
00:09:54,044 --> 00:09:55,218
I'll take care of that, too.
I ain't got
261
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:57,211
-nothing but time, man.
-You kidding me, man.
262
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:58,713
-Come on.
-I got a list
right there.
263
00:09:58,790 --> 00:10:00,724
Okay, cool.
I got that.
264
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,250
-Thank you, man.
-Yeah, man.
265
00:10:02,326 --> 00:10:04,135
Hey, hey, can I pick them
up from school, too?
266
00:10:04,212 --> 00:10:05,628
Aw, stop, man.
267
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:08,222
Can I see Manny of the
Deep Blue Sea today?
268
00:10:08,299 --> 00:10:09,307
(stammering)
269
00:10:09,384 --> 00:10:11,601
Please let me take
them to see that.
270
00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:13,603
Japanimation is dope!
271
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:14,937
Wow, man.
272
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,389
I mean, I don't know
what to say, Kelly.
273
00:10:16,466 --> 00:10:18,733
The last thing I want to do
is sit in a three-hour movie
274
00:10:18,810 --> 00:10:20,777
and watch some singing
jellyfish, you know?
275
00:10:20,853 --> 00:10:21,745
I got you, man.
276
00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:23,237
Kelly, man,
thank you, man.
277
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,455
Not a problem.
278
00:10:24,533 --> 00:10:26,708
Man, you...
You be good.
279
00:10:28,152 --> 00:10:31,996
Yes, this is Bernie Mac,
and I need a tee time.
280
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,582
Oh, that's fine.
281
00:10:34,659 --> 00:10:37,135
Thank you.
282
00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:47,011
Hey, man.
283
00:10:47,088 --> 00:10:48,370
Hey.
284
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:49,071
Thanks for letting me
crash here, man.
285
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,099
What? What you
talking about?
286
00:10:51,175 --> 00:10:52,809
-You leaving already?
-Yeah, well, you know,
287
00:10:52,885 --> 00:10:54,352
I feel a little weird
staying here, man.
288
00:10:54,429 --> 00:10:56,020
What you mean,
"weird," Kelly?
289
00:10:56,097 --> 00:10:57,897
Come on, man. I haven't
been at my best.
290
00:10:57,974 --> 00:10:59,098
I cried like
a little girl
291
00:10:59,176 --> 00:11:00,608
in front of
your little girl.
292
00:11:00,685 --> 00:11:01,960
That was a personal low.
293
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,444
Oh, I thought you said
your personal low
294
00:11:03,521 --> 00:11:05,071
was going to see
that jellyfish movie.
295
00:11:05,148 --> 00:11:07,031
-Oh, you're a funny guy.
-Ain't no way, man, uh-uh.
296
00:11:07,108 --> 00:11:08,616
I'm not going to hear of it.
End of discussion.
297
00:11:08,693 --> 00:11:10,076
You're staying
right here, okay?
298
00:11:10,153 --> 00:11:12,036
-Thanks, man.
-Aw, man, no problem.
Look here.
299
00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:13,797
I want to talk to you about
a little something, man.
300
00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:16,299
You got that monologue you was
trying to show me...
301
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:18,793
No, thank you!
302
00:11:18,870 --> 00:11:21,212
And you can stay
as long as you like.
303
00:11:21,289 --> 00:11:24,298
I mean, Bernie Mac has tapped
back into the life force,
304
00:11:24,375 --> 00:11:25,833
if you know what I'm saying.
305
00:11:25,910 --> 00:11:28,302
I didn't know that Kelly
was such a good live-in...
306
00:11:28,379 --> 00:11:29,846
I mean, maid.
307
00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:31,597
(clearing throat)
Houseguest.
308
00:11:31,674 --> 00:11:34,600
I mean, he's really good
with them kids, too.
309
00:11:34,677 --> 00:11:37,562
I wonder if he does windows.
310
00:11:37,638 --> 00:11:40,148
Or clean toilets.
311
00:11:40,224 --> 00:11:44,035
The way he built, look like
he used to pick cotton.
312
00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:56,873
KELLY:
"...and then
they kissed.
313
00:11:56,949 --> 00:11:58,541
And the
handsome prince
314
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:00,042
and the
beautiful princess
315
00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:01,794
lived happily
ever after."
316
00:12:01,871 --> 00:12:03,755
Well, okay, y'all,
that's it.
317
00:12:03,831 --> 00:12:05,882
Y'all got to
go to sleep
now, okay?
318
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:08,426
BRYANA:
Can you read
one more? Please?
319
00:12:08,503 --> 00:12:11,053
Okay, one more,
all right?
320
00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:13,431
One more.
321
00:12:13,508 --> 00:12:16,142
WANDA:
That... was so cute.
322
00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:19,270
Yeah.
I bet it won't be cute
323
00:12:19,281 --> 00:12:21,439
when they can't get
up in the morning.
Bet you that.
324
00:12:21,516 --> 00:12:23,449
What are you
talking about?
325
00:12:23,526 --> 00:12:25,818
Talking about Kelly.
He don't know what
he's doing, Wanda.
326
00:12:25,895 --> 00:12:27,862
You got to cut
those kids off.
327
00:12:27,939 --> 00:12:29,906
You got to put
your foot down.
328
00:12:29,982 --> 00:12:32,784
Those kids are going
to have him reading
all night. Watch.
329
00:12:32,860 --> 00:12:35,161
Ooh, well, they seemed like
they were enjoying it.
330
00:12:35,238 --> 00:12:37,038
Yeah, right, yeah,
they was enjoying it
331
00:12:37,114 --> 00:12:38,790
'cause they get
to stay up late.
332
00:12:38,866 --> 00:12:42,043
Well, they enjoy me
out of one story, one.
333
00:12:42,119 --> 00:12:44,462
Do you know why, Wanda?
'Cause I do the voices.
334
00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:45,963
(deep voice)
I do all the voices.
335
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,590
(high-pitched voice)
He don't do the voices.
336
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:48,883
(cartoonish voice)
I do the voices...
337
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:50,009
(slow-witted voices)
You better do the...
338
00:12:50,086 --> 00:12:51,260
(normal voice)
I do the voices.
339
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:53,054
Bernie, if I didn't
know any better,
340
00:12:53,130 --> 00:12:54,396
I would say you
were jealous.
341
00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,400
Jealous?!
I'm not jealous, America.
342
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,202
I got nothing against Kelly.
343
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:01,562
If he wants to read to
baby girl, let him read to her.
344
00:13:01,639 --> 00:13:05,784
He just creates more work for me
in the morning, that's all.
345
00:13:07,186 --> 00:13:11,280
Reading to baby girl's something
I always did, though.
346
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:13,699
She likes it
when I do the voices.
347
00:13:13,776 --> 00:13:15,952
(low voice)
Fee fi... She...
348
00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:18,463
(high-pitched voice)
Fee fi...
349
00:13:20,157 --> 00:13:23,543
(normal voice)
She really like it...
350
00:13:23,619 --> 00:13:26,304
when I do the voi...
351
00:13:30,936 --> 00:13:33,561
(distant coughing)
352
00:13:35,631 --> 00:13:37,515
Oh, Lord.
353
00:13:37,592 --> 00:13:38,933
Jordan.
354
00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:40,518
There you are, son.
355
00:13:40,595 --> 00:13:41,561
Coughing like a hyena.
356
00:13:41,637 --> 00:13:43,020
Let me get
your medicine for you.
357
00:13:43,097 --> 00:13:45,690
That's okay, Bernie.
I got it covered.
358
00:13:45,766 --> 00:13:47,650
(stammering)
Kelly?
359
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,569
Better let me do this.
360
00:13:49,645 --> 00:13:51,571
-Thank you.
-Okay.
361
00:13:51,647 --> 00:13:54,365
Here, son.
Take this right quick.
362
00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:56,325
Here, just a little bit.
363
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:58,077
Take it.
Good boy.
364
00:13:58,154 --> 00:13:59,470
(groans)
365
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:01,706
Go down real smooth.
Make you feel better.
366
00:14:01,782 --> 00:14:04,125
Now I want you to go back
to bed, okay?
367
00:14:04,201 --> 00:14:05,142
(sniffles)
368
00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:06,669
Thanks.
Good night, Uncle Kelly.
369
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:09,121
Good night,
little man.
370
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:13,885
You know, Kelly,
371
00:14:13,961 --> 00:14:16,178
you really got to be careful
with this.
372
00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:18,347
-Really.
-Well, you know, Bernie,
373
00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:20,391
I wasn't trying
to step on your toes, man.
374
00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:21,859
Yeah.
375
00:14:21,936 --> 00:14:23,686
I mean, you know,
I was awake, I heard him cough,
376
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:25,688
and I didn't want you
to have to get up.
377
00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:29,025
Kelly, this is
prescription medication.
378
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,193
It's not
any cough drops.
379
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,746
You got to make sure he gets
the proper dosage.
380
00:14:33,823 --> 00:14:37,074
You really got to be careful
with this.
381
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:39,952
America,
is it just me
382
00:14:40,029 --> 00:14:42,246
or is Kelly
being a little
presumptuous?
383
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:45,374
He seems
to be dipping
in my business.
384
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:48,753
Now I don't think
I'm being paranoid.
385
00:14:48,829 --> 00:14:50,004
Now hold on.
386
00:14:50,081 --> 00:14:52,548
I don't remember
smoking that cigar.
387
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:54,592
And my chair.
388
00:14:54,669 --> 00:14:56,677
That's not
my ass print.
389
00:14:56,754 --> 00:14:59,522
Was Kelly talking
to you all, America?
390
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:01,682
See, only I talk
to you.
391
00:15:01,759 --> 00:15:03,601
Whose house
does he think this is?
392
00:15:03,678 --> 00:15:05,603
This is Bernie Mac's
house.
393
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:06,687
Hey, you know what?
394
00:15:06,764 --> 00:15:08,039
I'm not mad
at you, nah.
395
00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:10,775
I'm just disappointed
in you, America.
396
00:15:10,851 --> 00:15:13,619
I thought me
and you all was tight.
397
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:20,201
Remember I told you
it was funky in here, America?
398
00:15:20,277 --> 00:15:22,203
Well, it stinks now.
399
00:15:22,279 --> 00:15:24,580
There are little alliances
forming all around here
400
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,123
and I don't like it.
401
00:15:26,201 --> 00:15:27,541
I don't know
what my role is anymore.
402
00:15:27,618 --> 00:15:32,213
I mean, I don't know
how those kids see me.
403
00:15:32,289 --> 00:15:34,715
Who am I, and what am I to them?
404
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,509
You're who
you've always been.
405
00:15:36,585 --> 00:15:37,802
The enemy.
406
00:15:37,878 --> 00:15:39,428
The Incredible Hulk.
407
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:40,755
Bigfoot.
408
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:42,056
The guy who terrorizes me.
409
00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:43,849
A big fat pain in the...
410
00:15:43,926 --> 00:15:44,892
Hey, hey, hey.
411
00:15:44,969 --> 00:15:46,018
I know who you are.
412
00:15:46,095 --> 00:15:48,604
You're our
Uncle Bernie.
413
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:50,648
Thanks,
baby girl.
414
00:15:50,725 --> 00:15:52,400
Uncle Bernie Poo-poo Head.
415
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:55,277
(laughing)
416
00:15:55,354 --> 00:15:56,788
They see me as the bad cop.
417
00:15:56,864 --> 00:15:58,406
Kelly the good cop.
418
00:15:58,416 --> 00:15:59,949
Well, fine.
419
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:01,642
See, I can't afford to be nice.
420
00:16:01,719 --> 00:16:04,036
I got responsibility
raising those kids,
421
00:16:04,113 --> 00:16:05,579
teaching them
right from wrong.
422
00:16:05,656 --> 00:16:08,082
Am I to blame
for being more mature?
423
00:16:08,159 --> 00:16:09,959
More of adult?
424
00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:11,594
See, I could be
the good cop, too.
425
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:15,006
But every time I try,
Kelly's always in the way,
426
00:16:15,082 --> 00:16:17,350
cop-blocking me.
427
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,846
Man, he doesn't
have anything good.
428
00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:24,473
All these are ancient.
429
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:26,442
Here, why don't you spin this.
430
00:16:27,470 --> 00:16:31,939
-Hey, you like
Outkast?
-Yep.
431
00:16:32,016 --> 00:16:34,117
(music plays)
432
00:16:39,648 --> 00:16:40,999
Hey, hey, Kelly.
433
00:16:41,075 --> 00:16:43,701
You tighten up that monologue
I was telling you about?
434
00:16:43,778 --> 00:16:44,836
Uh, you know, not yet, man.
435
00:16:44,912 --> 00:16:46,421
I was planning on
doing that a bit later.
436
00:16:46,497 --> 00:16:49,457
You know what, I'm really
kind of worried about it.
437
00:16:49,533 --> 00:16:51,175
You think you can, you know...
438
00:16:52,119 --> 00:16:53,169
Yeah, I can do that.
439
00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:55,212
Man, thanks, man.
440
00:16:55,289 --> 00:16:57,140
-Yeah, no problem.
-All right.
441
00:16:59,001 --> 00:17:00,217
Backgammon.
442
00:17:00,294 --> 00:17:03,262
I'll play with you.
Wanna play?
443
00:17:03,339 --> 00:17:04,647
That's all right.
444
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:09,185
Oh, man, that was dirty.
445
00:17:09,261 --> 00:17:10,644
I shouldn't have done that.
446
00:17:10,721 --> 00:17:12,188
Yes, I should have.
447
00:17:12,264 --> 00:17:13,439
I don't know.
448
00:17:13,516 --> 00:17:15,566
America, Bernie Mac is torn.
449
00:17:15,643 --> 00:17:18,194
Kelly's my boy and I'm treating
him like a little flunky.
450
00:17:18,270 --> 00:17:22,823
Aw, Bernie, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
451
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:24,784
BRYANA:
Uncle Kelly!
452
00:17:24,860 --> 00:17:25,785
Uncle Kelly?
453
00:17:25,861 --> 00:17:27,328
Ain't no Uncle Kellys.
454
00:17:27,404 --> 00:17:28,496
It's Uncle Bernie!
455
00:17:28,572 --> 00:17:30,164
Talking about he's Uncle Kelly.
456
00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:31,791
Uncle Kelly,
I threw up.
457
00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:33,459
Can you help me
clean it?
458
00:17:33,536 --> 00:17:36,429
Use the pine-scented cleaner,
Uncle Kelly.
459
00:17:39,583 --> 00:17:40,391
What?
460
00:17:41,660 --> 00:17:42,910
Hey, why you all
in here watching TV?
461
00:17:42,987 --> 00:17:45,179
I thought you all
was supposed to be
doing your homework.
462
00:17:45,256 --> 00:17:46,597
We're watching PBS.
463
00:17:46,674 --> 00:17:47,932
It's educational.
464
00:17:48,008 --> 00:17:50,351
Hey, who's up
for a movie?
465
00:17:50,427 --> 00:17:51,769
Yeah, I love
movies.
466
00:17:51,846 --> 00:17:53,071
What are we going to see?
467
00:17:53,147 --> 00:17:54,772
Anything you want to see:
♪ Movie, movie, movie! ♪
468
00:17:54,849 --> 00:17:55,865
Here you go, dog.
469
00:18:01,155 --> 00:18:02,947
See what I got to deal with,
America?
470
00:18:03,023 --> 00:18:06,367
Of course the kids like Kelly,
he's one of them.
471
00:18:06,443 --> 00:18:08,544
He doesn't care
if they do their homework.
472
00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:10,371
"Let's go to the movie,"
he says.
473
00:18:10,447 --> 00:18:11,789
He panders to them.
474
00:18:11,866 --> 00:18:13,291
That's what he does.
475
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:14,708
He gives them toys
to play with.
476
00:18:14,785 --> 00:18:16,152
Why, I could be fun.
477
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,970
Uncle Bernie
can be a fun uncle.
478
00:18:23,627 --> 00:18:26,354
Hey, kids,
Uncle Bernie's home.
479
00:18:26,430 --> 00:18:28,305
Wanna have some fun?
480
00:18:28,382 --> 00:18:29,723
Come on out.
481
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:31,225
(forced chuckle)
482
00:18:31,302 --> 00:18:32,985
Yeah, kids...
483
00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:37,990
Hey, Nessa, I got
something in my teeth.
484
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:57,635
(beeping and buzzing)
485
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:04,216
Hey, Kelly.
486
00:19:04,293 --> 00:19:06,093
What you doing
taking people's kids
487
00:19:06,170 --> 00:19:07,386
without their
permission?
488
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:08,762
What the heck
you thinking, man?
489
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,055
What's going on, man?
490
00:19:10,132 --> 00:19:11,390
I thought we were boys.
491
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:12,933
Yeah, I thought we was boys,
Kelly.
492
00:19:13,010 --> 00:19:14,343
What you trying to say, Bernie?
493
00:19:14,420 --> 00:19:15,861
I'm saying there's
going to be a discrepancy.
494
00:19:15,938 --> 00:19:17,905
What kind of discrepancies
you talking about?
495
00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:19,157
Um...
496
00:19:19,233 --> 00:19:21,159
have you guys seen Bryana?
497
00:19:21,235 --> 00:19:22,718
I thought she
was with you.
498
00:19:24,688 --> 00:19:26,747
She was standing right
here a second ago, man.
499
00:19:28,025 --> 00:19:29,742
Look, you all
go that way.
500
00:19:29,818 --> 00:19:30,793
Come on.
501
00:19:32,154 --> 00:19:34,297
(scary/distored sound)
502
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,269
Hey, little girl.
503
00:19:57,346 --> 00:19:59,197
What's your name?
504
00:19:59,273 --> 00:20:00,364
Bryana!
505
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:02,441
It's okay, man, she's with me.
506
00:20:02,518 --> 00:20:03,609
It's okay, Bryana.
507
00:20:03,686 --> 00:20:05,319
Your Uncle Kelly
is here, come on.
508
00:20:05,396 --> 00:20:06,320
BERNIE MAC:
Baby girl!
509
00:20:06,397 --> 00:20:07,821
Uncle Bernie!
510
00:20:07,898 --> 00:20:09,740
Hey, hey, hey.
511
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:11,242
It's all right.
512
00:20:11,318 --> 00:20:13,211
It's all right,
Uncle Bernie here now.
513
00:20:13,287 --> 00:20:15,004
You wanna play
some more games?
514
00:20:16,907 --> 00:20:18,749
Wanna go home?
515
00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:20,676
With you.
516
00:20:22,546 --> 00:20:25,214
Look, America, if those kids
want my man Kelly
517
00:20:25,225 --> 00:20:27,591
to be their fun uncle,
that's fine with me.
518
00:20:27,668 --> 00:20:29,843
He can be there
for all the fun and games,
519
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:32,471
'cause I'll be there
for everything else.
520
00:20:32,548 --> 00:20:34,890
See, it's not important
that I be those kids' friend,
521
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:37,351
'cause my job
is to be their parent
522
00:20:37,428 --> 00:20:40,271
and let them know
that I'm there for them always.
523
00:20:40,347 --> 00:20:42,172
And you know what else, America?
524
00:20:42,250 --> 00:20:44,608
As important as it is to be
those kids' parents,
525
00:20:44,685 --> 00:20:47,370
you gotta be
your friend's friend, too.
526
00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:51,156
Oh, hey, Kelly.
527
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,491
I want to say
something to you.
528
00:20:52,568 --> 00:20:54,618
First of all I want
to say I'm sorry.
529
00:20:54,695 --> 00:20:57,371
And I know I've been acting
a bit of an ass, man,
530
00:20:57,448 --> 00:20:59,540
and you know what?
You're my friend.
531
00:20:59,616 --> 00:21:03,261
And more important,
you're like my blood.
532
00:21:03,337 --> 00:21:05,587
That means a lot to me,
Bernie.
533
00:21:05,664 --> 00:21:07,548
You know I love you, man.
534
00:21:07,624 --> 00:21:09,216
I love you, too, man.
I'm sorry, Kel.
535
00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:10,509
It's all good, man.
536
00:21:10,586 --> 00:21:11,685
Hey, I know I stayed here
537
00:21:11,762 --> 00:21:13,220
a little bit longer
than I planned.
538
00:21:13,297 --> 00:21:14,221
No, no, no, no.
539
00:21:14,298 --> 00:21:15,389
But it's cool.
540
00:21:15,466 --> 00:21:16,890
You ain't got to sweat it.
I found a place.
541
00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:19,059
-Oh, you did, huh?
-Yeah, I move in
on Monday.
542
00:21:19,136 --> 00:21:20,294
Well, look here, Kelly,
543
00:21:20,371 --> 00:21:21,736
you can stay here
until Monday.
544
00:21:21,814 --> 00:21:23,772
No, that's okay.
You got the kids
and everything.
545
00:21:23,849 --> 00:21:26,608
Plus I need to be able
to stay someplace
where I can be a slob
546
00:21:26,685 --> 00:21:28,235
and walk around
in my drawers.
547
00:21:28,312 --> 00:21:29,403
W.B.:
Hey.
548
00:21:29,414 --> 00:21:30,821
You all packed, dog?
549
00:21:30,898 --> 00:21:32,498
Yeah.
550
00:21:40,115 --> 00:21:43,968
Look, look, look,
lookit, man. Stupid game.
551
00:21:45,788 --> 00:21:48,723
Oh, this is a good game, now.
552
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,053
Let the kids see me now,
lookit.
553
00:21:54,129 --> 00:21:56,055
Yeah.
554
00:21:56,131 --> 00:21:57,890
Look at me now, kids.
555
00:21:57,966 --> 00:21:59,516
Wheel-O.
556
00:21:59,593 --> 00:22:01,143
(chuckles)
557
00:22:01,220 --> 00:22:03,904
This game don't make
no doggone sense, but...
558
00:22:08,143 --> 00:22:09,401
I'm a man.
559
00:22:09,478 --> 00:22:11,620
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