Original subtitles

America, Bernie Mac is tired.

I mean dead tired.

See, I've been on the road for a whole week.

Sleeping on planes, in hotel rooms,

on lumpy, nasty, mite-ridden beds

where your feet hang off, your toes get cold.

That ain't no way to live, America.

So now that I'm back at home,

all I want to do is crawl into my bed.

My bed.

I'm talking about an extra thick Posturepedic

with a feather bed, 1,200-thread count Pratesi sheets.

So warm and comfy, the closest thing you can get to a womb.

I just want to thank all the geese

that made this night's rest possible.

Thank you.

The bed again?

Yeah, baby.

This doggone bed been giving me nothing but trouble.

What you so dirty for?

Ooh, I finally planted my cherry tree.

It is so beautiful, Bernie.

I was just waiting for the right time of the year.

(yawns) That's great, Wanda.

I know how excited you are.

I know how much it meant to you, so...

I'm going to hop in the shower. Get dressed.

We're meeting the Richters for dinner at 7:00.

Bernie, did you hear what I said?

Yeah, baby, I heard you.

I didn't know we got to meet the Richters tonight.

I thought it was Sunday.

No, Sunday, I got to go to Bryana's play.

I missed that last week, remember?

Baby, I'm too tired, Wanda.

I'm tired.

Bernie, what do you have against the Richters?

The only thing more boring than the Richters is Bryana's play.

No, I take that back.

Nothing is more boring than the Richters.

Even if I had the strength,

I couldn't take that boring couple.

I ain't got nothing against the Richters

but eight shows in seven nights...

I'm exhausted. I just ain't got nothing left.

Fine.

I'll reschedule.

Thank you, baby.

Ain't nothing getting me out this bed tonight.

I'm tired.

(telephone rings)

Yeah. Mac.

What you doing calling at this ungodly hour?

Clippers tickets?

Michael Jordan and the Wizards, huh?

Well...

If I go to the game, Wanda gonna kill me.

But if I miss a chance

to see the greatest basketball player of all time,

I'm going to kill myself.

It's a difficult choice.

Michael Jordan or my marriage.

My marriage or Michael Jordan.

Jordan...

Jordan?

Hey, Jordan!

(giggles)

Yeah. I'll be dead tomorrow.

See ya.

Jordan. Jordan...

I want you to fake an asthma attack. Start wheezing.

Why? There's no school tomorrow.

No, boy, I want you to do it

so we can go to the Clippers' game.

Be our little secret. Start wheezing.

You want me to throw up, too?

I can have a seizure.

No, Jordan, wheeze.

Want me to swallow my tongue?

-No! -Ow!

(wheezing)

(coughing)

Oh, Lord!

(coughing, gagging)

Boy, good, good.

(wheezing)

Oh, Lord!

I'm going to run him to the E.R., baby.

Let me take him; I know how tired you are.

This is my blood, baby.

And blood's more important than sleep.

-Do you have your keys? -Yeah.

Watch his head!

(clunk)

You know what else was great?

The giant television screen.

I've never been on TV before.

You think I'm going to be a star?

Not after you put your finger all the way up your nose.

You was all the way up to the second knuckle.

You know what else was huge?

The players, they were like giants.

Why didn't they let the white guys play?

I don't know, son.

But you got to get rid of that program.

It's incriminating evidence.

Get rid of that.

Hey! Hey! Jordan, what you doin'?

But you said I should...

I'm getting ready to go to a trash can.

(laughs)

Boy, you know, you're a trip.

-I guess as long as you had fun, huh? -Yeah.

-But you know what was my favorite part though? -What?

How upset you were when they said Michael Jordan wasn't playing.

-You almost cried. -No, I wasn't upset.

No, I wasn't.

"Oh, Lord!"

No, that... that's what I did?

What'd I do? What'd I do?

Oh, Lord!

-Oh, Lord! -Like that.

(laughing)

Let's move on.

(laughing)

(cell phone ringing)

Ho, ho, ho, ho. Hold on, hold.

(ringing)

Hello? Hey, baby.

-Yeah, he's fine. Little congested. -(coughing)

(coughing)

Yeah, nothing serious.

They took some X-rays and everything,

but he's going to be fine.

Yeah, we're on our way home.

Okay.

All right, sweetheart. Bye-bye.

-(coughing) -You can stop now, Jordan.

No... choking.

Oh, oh, Jordan.

(relieved sigh)

You all right?

(chuckling)

(laughs)

Oh, come on now, don't look at me like that, America.

I mean, the boy was just choking on a pretzel.

That could've happened anywhere.

Am I wrong, Billy?

Billy was at the game. He saw the game.

The boy had a good time. Tell them, Billy.

No, it's true. Hi, how you doing?

I was sitting just a few rows in front of them.

You really got to get some courtside seats.

My friend, he called me at the last minute.

Yeah, but you're sitting way back.

And he lied to me.

Yeah, but I'm sitting in the front row.

I had two rebounds and an assist.

You know, you're way, way back there.

Anyway, they were having a great time.

It was kind of beautiful,

you know, a boy and his father figure, right?

What could be more American than that?

You see.

You see, that's what I'm talking about, Billy.

See, that... see, that ain't no big deal.

I had the boy fake a little asthma attack.

No big deal.

Wait, wait, wait...

You had him fake an asthma attack?

He do it all the time, Billy.

You don't know him.

I don't understand this.

You had him fake an illness

so you could go to a Clipper game?

I just had him do the wheezing.

I didn't let him swallow his tongue.

Oh, that's so big of you.

For a Clipper game?

What happens if they make the playoffs?

What do you do then, you stop his heart?

I mean, asthma's not a funny thing, Bernie, you know.

I had asthma when I was a kid.

I mean, you know, I was born in New York, and I started,

you know, getting excited about things,

and before I know it, I'm in Phoenix,

you know, 'cause it's dry.

Let's move on, Billy.

And then, you know, it's not funny.

And I'd be in class, and I'd get agitated,

and I'd start... oh, here...

-I'd start to... -Put it in your book.

-Anyway, America. -It's not funny.

-(wheezes) -I had a good time. The boy had a...

The boy had a good time. And I just got to...

I need my... I need my Breathaly...

(wheezes) Not funny, man.

It's one last hurdle.

Comedy is not funny.

Not funny. (wheezes)

You taking it... you're going over the hill with..

You're going over the hill with that, Billy.

-(wheezes) -He do...

I just want... he do, he don't never do her.

-He always... -(wheezes)

(wheezes)

Cut the camera off.

(wheezes)

Cut the camera off.

(wheezes)

(wheezes) Help me.

Bernie, I was so worried.

Shh! He's sleeping.

But he's fine.

Doctor told me to keep him level.

There you go, America, the perfect crime.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

It was victimless.

No one got hurt.

As long as Wanda never find out, no one will.

Here you go, sweetie.

I thought you would enjoy these.

Double-fudge brownies!

You thought right.

What's wrong, Aunt Wanda?

Jordan, I was so scared last night.

About what?

All I could think about was you in the emergency room,

not being able to breathe.

Oh, you don't have to worry, I'm fine.

I've been told I have the lung capacity

of someone ten times my age.

You're such a brave little soldier.

You relax and I'll fix your favorite dinner.

But why?

Because Dark Deception is R-rated, restricted.

No one under 17 admitted without a parent.

And Aunt Wanda and I already saw it.

End of discussion, Nessa.

I can't believe you.

What's the problem, baby?

In four years, you'll be able to rent it.

Give you something to look forward to.

-Uncle Bernie. -Yeah?

You know, our secret?

I've been thinking

maybe we should tell Aunt Wanda the truth.

He too doggone young to have a conscience.

She was really worried about me last night.

It made me feel bad.

Jordan, I don't want you to feel bad.

The last thing I want you to do

is worry about Aunt Wanda.

See, sometimes in order for us to have a little fun,

we have to... bend the truth a little bit.

-You mean lie? -No.

Uh-uh, I don't mean lie. I mean bend the truth.

There's a difference.

See, we sometimes let off steam in a manly way,

like basketball.

And, see, your Aunt Wanda, she's a woman.

And see, women, they're different.

They're more sensitive.

That's why they cry at movies and commercials and stuff like that.

You cried during The Lion King.

I didn't cry, I was thinking about something sad

like what would happen to you

if you were to tell Aunt Wanda about this basketball business.

And besides, you don't want to hurt Aunt Wanda's feelings, do you?

Last thing you want to do is make her cry, Jordan.

Yeah.

I think you need to really forget about this

telling Aunt Wanda business, okay?

Okay, I guess.

Okay, good. And remember, we're not lying;

we're bending the truth just to get what we want.

Right.

Oh, I don't care what you're thinking, America.

It's not like I taught the boy how to boost a car or anything.

This is harmless.

Just a little black boy telling a little black lie.

No harm, no foul.

You grownups, y'all do it every day.

Get out my face.

(groans)

Bryana, stop!

What?

Those cookies are spoiled.

If you eat them, they'll have to take you away

in an ambulance and pump your stomach.

But I already ate one.

Hurry, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth!

Hurry! There's still time!

Hurry! Hurry!

Uncle Bernie said you were supposed to wash these dishes.

What? That's not my job. I'm going to Shannon's.

I heard him talking to Aunt Wanda.

He said he'd come over there and get you.

If I were you, I'd get it over with.

(sighs) Fine. Better washing dishes than him embarrassing me

in front of my friends with his big dumb mouth.

Yep.

(snickering)

♪♪

Oh, Mr. Mac.

Hi, Sister Arlene.

Mary. How are you?

BOTH: We're fine.

We just wanted to know how your wife was feeling.

My wife is fine, why?

Oh, Jordan's been quite upset

about his aunt's sudden illness.

Sudden illness?

We just wanted you to know that we were aware of it.

Oh, and I've told the other teachers

not to assign any homework

as long as the crisis exists.

Crisis?

Jordan has got enough on his mind.

Sisters, thank you.

Lying to a nun.

Saying his aunt's sick.

He's the one about to be sick.

Going to contract a sudden case of "ass-us beat-us red-us."

That's Latin for I'm going to whup his ass till it glows.

I'm pissed, America.

And I ain't lying.

(screaming)

Uncle Bernie, you stepped on Powerman.

What's your Powerman doing on the floor?

I thought I told you to clean this mess up, Jordan.

Hold your horses, I'm watching television.

Hold my horses.

Boy, I'm about ready

to go Clydesdale on you.

What's up, guys? Hey.

Hey.

Nothing. Uncle Bernie's just helping me practice my shot.

Swish.

Yeah, I was... uh, fouling him.

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie,

would it be okay if I cleaned up this mess after the TV show?

No, I want you to clean your mess up now, Jordan.

Swish!

The boy isn't just evil, he's an evil genius.

A little black Lex Luthor.

He really got some dirt on me.

This is blaxploitation, I'm telling you, America.

Blaxploitation.

This ain't nothing but some blaxploitation.

Huh, he's good.

This damn bed.

WANDA: Bernie!

Yo.

Did you tell the gardeners to cut down my cherry tree?

No, Wanda, of course I didn't.

Well, they did.

And they are gone first thing in the morning.

Oh, baby, just chill.

Now, go in there and get you a glass of wine, just relax.

It's probably a misunderstanding.

No, it was a misunderstanding when they killed my azaleas.

This is unforgivable.

They are gone. End of discussion.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Speaking of your foliage, okay,

Christina called talking about your eyebrow appointment

at 6:00, or something like that, tonight.

Tonight?

Tonight.

But I'm supposed to be going to Bryana's play tonight.

Oh, this is just a bad day.

Well, I mean, just call and reschedule, baby.

Quit tripping.

Reschedule? You can't reschedule with Christina.

She's booked months in advance.

Oh, stop it.

Now, that's just totally ridiculous.

You talking about waxing some eyebrow.

How difficult is it, waxing some eyebrows?

You give me some candles, tweezers and a razor blade,

lie across the bed...

I'll hook you up, baby.

Pluck it out...

I'll call and reschedule.

You know, you look kind of sexy when you're dirty.

Whatever.

Baby girl, have you been jumping on my bed?

-No, it wasn't me, Uncle Bernie. -(doorbell rings)

(Bernie sighs)

(groans)

(ratchet turning)

Oh...

I guess you're here for your last check, huh?

Mr. Mac, we are very sorry we cut your tree.

Yeah... I bet next time you'll be a little careful, won't you?

Si, but your son told Luis that you wanted it down.

I'll see you next week. Don't worry about it.

Oh, baby girl, I can't get over

how wonderful you were in that play.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And you were so talented.

And by far the prettiest one up there.

It just made my heart soar.

Yeah, I know what you did, Jordan.

I know it was you.

It was you that cut down that cherry tree.

Jordan, you're trying to punk me.

I'm going to let you know I'm unpunkable, okay?

Uncle Bernie, I need a haircut.

Do you have any clippers?

No, I don't have any clippers.

But I'd be more than happy

to take you to the barber shop next to the bakery.

You know the bakery, son,

the one that sells cherry pies.

I like the name Michael,

and I like the name Jordan.

Michael... Jordan.

Michael Jordan.

What do you think, Uncle Bernie?

I think I ought to punch you.

That boy must be crazy-- playing tit-for-tat with me.

Bernie Mac don't play no tit-for-tat

with no eight-year-old. He think he smart?

He don't know who he's dealing with.

I'll beat that boy by being a bigger man.

I'm going to screw him by being honest.

I'm a top-thologist when it come to bull.

You went to the Clipper game?!

Jordan cut down your cherry tree.

-Stool pigeon. -You did what?

You know how excited I was about that little tree.

Why did you do that?!

JORDAN: Well, I was playing NFL with a friend,

and every time one of us would go out for a pass,

that stupid cherry tree got in our way.

So, I kind of told the gardeners that Uncle Bernie

wanted them to cut it down.

I fired our gardeners for nothing.

Yeah, and they got families, big ones.

Oh, stop it, America.

Check the census.

This boy's a bad apple-- a rotten one.

Yeah, that fell from the Bernie Mac tree.

-Hey... -She's right.

Bernie, how do you have the audacity to have your nephew

fake an asthma attack?

I was worried sick about him.

Have you no shame?

Yeah, baby, I...

It was Michael Jordan.

How many comebacks do you think he's got left?

I am disappointed in you both.

Lies...

deceit.

You're worse than that awful family

in Dark Deceptions,

and that was a horror movie.

Yeah, I bet we have bodies

buried under our floorboards, too.

What you know about the floorboards, Nessa?

My friend told me about it.

Yeah, right.

WANDA: Wait a minute.

That was you.

What are you talking about?

WANDA: I was waiting for my appointment.

As usual, Christina was running late.

I was flipping through the Cosmo

when I glanced out of the window for just a moment.

That's when I thought I spotted Vanessa.

I thought your uncle and I were crystal clear

about you not seeing R-rated movies.

I can't believe I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

Lucky for us you spotted her during your eyebrow appointment,

or you would have got away with cold-blooded murder.

Oh, don't play innocent, Bernie.

You're in it just as deep as she is.

Okay, then, that's fine.

You want to talk about innocence?

How you like baby girl play, sweetheart?

And what was your favorite part?

Don't change the subject.

Yeah, Aunt Wanda,

what was your favorite part of the play?

I loved all of it, sweetie.

Did you like the part where she came out like a beautiful flower?

Oh, I loved that part.

She was precious, and she looked adorable.

She did look cute as a flower.

And you know that song that she sang?

-Uh-huh. -You know the one.

Oh, I loved it. You were most magnificent, baby girl.

BERNIE: Oh, sweetheart,

she wasn't a flower.

She was a rabbit the whole time.

BRYANA: I didn't sing, either.

I hopped the whole time.

This is getting good.

VANESSA: I guess you're as bad as we are.

Except I didn't lie to a five-year-old.

Oh, God.

Oh, baby girl,

I'm so sorry.

I-I-I tried to make it to your play,

really, honestly, I did.

I didn't realize my appointment was going so long.

I drove as fast as I could.

But by the time I got there,

the play was already over.

(applause)

(sighs)

Please...

don't be mad at me.

I am so sorry, baby girl.

I know you're not going to understand,

but, see, Christina, she's booked solid

for the next two months,

and you wouldn't want your Aunt Wanda

walking around with the unibrow, would you?

BERNIE: Stop it.

Stop it.

All of us should be ashamed of ourselves.

All of us.

Everyone here except baby girl,

because she's the only good one in the bunch.

I tell the truth.

You sure do.

I wish you would tell the truth.

You always try to kill my spirits.

Take him to the emergency hospital.

You better watch-- I got to watch you with binoculars.

I feel better, America.

See, here I was thinking I was a snake,

feeding the boy forbidden fruit,

when it turns out the whole garden brimming with serpents.

The entire family is low-down and deceitful as I am.

See, I got to lead by a better example.

From now on, no more lying.

The only one who hasn't been corrupted is baby girl.

See, she's still like Eve-- I mean, before the apple.

Innocent, pure as snow.

(giggling)

Not funny, Bernie.

Anyway, America, they did have a good time.

The boy didn't have a good time,

but now he's got to get past one last hurdle.

(wheezing)

I'm just kidding.

You got a lot of nerve, Billy.

You want something to drink?

(wheezes)

(laughing)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA