All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S01E19.Secrets.and.Lies.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

America, Bernie Mac is tired.

I mean dead tired.

See, I've been on the road
for a whole week.

Sleeping on planes,
in hotel rooms,

on lumpy, nasty,
mite-ridden beds

where your feet hang off,
your toes get cold.

That ain't no way to live,
America.

So now that I'm back at home,

all I want to do is crawl
into my bed.

My bed.

I'm talking about an extra
thick Posturepedic

with a feather bed, 1,200-thread
count Pratesi sheets.

So warm and comfy, the closest
thing you can get to a womb.

I just want to thank
all the geese

that made this night's
rest possible.

Thank you.

The bed again?

Yeah, baby.

This doggone bed been giving me
nothing but trouble.

What you so dirty for?

Ooh, I finally planted
my cherry tree.

It is so beautiful, Bernie.

I was just waiting for
the right time of the year.

(yawns)
That's great, Wanda.

I know how excited you are.

I know how much
it meant to you, so...

I'm going to hop in the shower.
Get dressed.

We're meeting the Richters
for dinner at 7:00.

Bernie, did you
hear what I said?

Yeah, baby, I heard you.

I didn't know we got to meet
the Richters tonight.

I thought it was Sunday.

No, Sunday, I got to go
to Bryana's play.

I missed that last week,
remember?

Baby, I'm too tired, Wanda.

I'm tired.

Bernie, what do you have
against the Richters?

The only thing more boring than
the Richters is Bryana's play.

No, I take that back.

Nothing is more boring
than the Richters.

Even if I had the strength,

I couldn't take
that boring couple.

I ain't got nothing against
the Richters

but eight shows
in seven nights...

I'm exhausted.
I just ain't got nothing left.

Fine.

I'll reschedule.

Thank you, baby.

Ain't nothing getting me
out this bed tonight.

I'm tired.

(telephone rings)

Yeah. Mac.

What you doing calling
at this ungodly hour?

Clippers tickets?

Michael Jordan
and the Wizards, huh?

Well...

If I go to the game,
Wanda gonna kill me.

But if I miss a chance

to see the greatest
basketball player of all time,

I'm going to kill myself.

It's a difficult choice.

Michael Jordan or my marriage.

My marriage or Michael Jordan.

Jordan...

Jordan?

Hey, Jordan!

(giggles)

Yeah.
I'll be dead tomorrow.

See ya.

Jordan. Jordan...

I want you to fake
an asthma attack.
Start wheezing.

Why? There's
no school tomorrow.

No, boy, I want you
to do it

so we can go to
the Clippers' game.

Be our little secret.
Start wheezing.

You want me to throw up, too?

I can have a seizure.

No, Jordan, wheeze.

Want me to swallow my tongue?

-No!
-Ow!

(wheezing)

(coughing)

Oh, Lord!

(coughing, gagging)

Boy, good, good.

(wheezing)

Oh, Lord!

I'm going to run him
to the E.R., baby.

Let me take him; I
know how tired you are.

This is my blood, baby.

And blood's more
important than sleep.

-Do you have your keys?
-Yeah.

Watch his head!

(clunk)

You know what else was great?

The giant television screen.

I've never been on TV before.

You think I'm going
to be a star?

Not after you put your finger
all the way up your nose.

You was all the way up
to the second knuckle.

You know what else was huge?

The players,
they were like giants.

Why didn't they let
the white guys play?

I don't know, son.

But you got to get rid
of that program.

It's incriminating evidence.

Get rid of that.

Hey! Hey! Jordan,
what you doin'?

But you said I should...

I'm getting ready
to go to a trash can.

(laughs)

Boy, you know,
you're a trip.

-I guess as long as
you had fun, huh?
-Yeah.

-But you know what was
my favorite part though?
-What?

How upset you were
when they said Michael
Jordan wasn't playing.

-You almost cried.
-No, I wasn't upset.

No, I wasn't.

"Oh, Lord!"

No, that...
that's what I did?

What'd I do?
What'd I do?

Oh, Lord!

-Oh, Lord!
-Like that.

(laughing)

Let's move on.

(laughing)

(cell phone ringing)

Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Hold on, hold.

(ringing)

Hello?
Hey, baby.

-Yeah, he's fine.
Little congested.
-(coughing)

(coughing)

Yeah, nothing serious.

They took some X-rays
and everything,

but he's going to be fine.

Yeah, we're on our way home.

Okay.

All right, sweetheart.
Bye-bye.

-(coughing)
-You can stop now,
Jordan.

No... choking.

Oh, oh, Jordan.

(relieved sigh)

You all right?

(chuckling)

(laughs)

Oh, come on now, don't look
at me like that, America.

I mean, the boy was just
choking on a pretzel.

That could've happened anywhere.

Am I wrong, Billy?

Billy was at the game.
He saw the game.

The boy had a good time.
Tell them, Billy.

No, it's true.
Hi, how you doing?

I was sitting just a few
rows in front of them.

You really got to get
some courtside seats.

My friend, he called me
at the last minute.

Yeah, but you're
sitting way back.

And he lied to me.

Yeah, but I'm sitting
in the front row.

I had two rebounds
and an assist.

You know, you're way,
way back there.

Anyway, they were
having a great time.

It was kind of beautiful,

you know, a boy and
his father figure, right?

What could be more
American than that?

You see.

You see, that's what
I'm talking about, Billy.

See, that... see,
that ain't no big deal.

I had the boy fake
a little asthma attack.

No big deal.

Wait, wait, wait...

You had him fake
an asthma attack?

He do it all
the time, Billy.

You don't know him.

I don't understand this.

You had him fake an illness

so you could go
to a Clipper game?

I just had him
do the wheezing.

I didn't let him
swallow his tongue.

Oh, that's so big of you.

For a Clipper game?

What happens if they
make the playoffs?

What do you do then,
you stop his heart?

I mean, asthma's not a funny
thing, Bernie, you know.

I had asthma
when I was a kid.

I mean, you know, I was born
in New York, and I started,

you know, getting excited
about things,

and before I know it,
I'm in Phoenix,

you know, 'cause it's dry.

Let's move on, Billy.

And then, you know,
it's not funny.

And I'd be in class,
and I'd get agitated,

and I'd start... oh, here...

-I'd start to...
-Put it in your book.

-Anyway, America.
-It's not funny.

-(wheezes)
-I had a good time.
The boy had a...

The boy had a good time.
And I just got to...

I need my...
I need my Breathaly...

(wheezes)
Not funny, man.

It's one last hurdle.

Comedy is not funny.

Not funny.
(wheezes)

You taking it... you're
going over the hill with..

You're going over the
hill with that, Billy.

-(wheezes)
-He do...

I just want... he do,
he don't never do her.

-He always...
-(wheezes)

(wheezes)

Cut the camera off.

(wheezes)

Cut the camera off.

(wheezes)

(wheezes)
Help me.

Bernie,
I was so worried.

Shh! He's sleeping.

But he's fine.

Doctor told me
to keep him level.

There you go, America,
the perfect crime.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

It was victimless.

No one got hurt.

As long as Wanda never find out,
no one will.

Here you go, sweetie.

I thought you would
enjoy these.

Double-fudge brownies!

You thought right.

What's wrong, Aunt Wanda?

Jordan, I was
so scared last night.

About what?

All I could think about
was you in the emergency room,

not being able to breathe.

Oh, you don't have
to worry, I'm fine.

I've been told I have
the lung capacity

of someone ten times my age.

You're such a brave
little soldier.

You relax and I'll fix
your favorite dinner.

But why?

Because Dark Deception
is R-rated, restricted.

No one under 17 admitted
without a parent.

And Aunt Wanda and I
already saw it.

End of discussion,
Nessa.

I can't believe you.

What's the problem, baby?

In four years,
you'll be able to rent it.

Give you something
to look forward to.

-Uncle Bernie.
-Yeah?

You know, our secret?

I've been thinking

maybe we should tell
Aunt Wanda the truth.

He too doggone young
to have a conscience.

She was really worried
about me last night.

It made me feel bad.

Jordan, I don't want
you to feel bad.

The last thing
I want you to do

is worry about Aunt Wanda.

See, sometimes
in order for us to
have a little fun,

we have to... bend
the truth a little bit.

-You mean lie?
-No.

Uh-uh, I don't mean lie.
I mean bend the truth.

There's a difference.

See, we sometimes let off
steam in a manly way,

like basketball.

And, see, your Aunt
Wanda, she's a woman.

And see, women,
they're different.

They're more sensitive.

That's why they cry at
movies and commercials
and stuff like that.

You cried during
The Lion King.

I didn't cry,
I was thinking
about something sad

like what would happen to you

if you were to tell Aunt Wanda
about this basketball business.

And besides, you don't
want to hurt Aunt Wanda's
feelings, do you?

Last thing you want to do
is make her cry, Jordan.

Yeah.

I think you need to
really forget about this

telling Aunt Wanda
business, okay?

Okay, I guess.

Okay, good. And remember,
we're not lying;

we're bending the truth
just to get what we want.

Right.

Oh, I don't care what
you're thinking, America.

It's not like I taught the boy
how to boost a car or anything.

This is harmless.

Just a little black boy
telling a little black lie.

No harm, no foul.

You grownups,
y'all do it every day.

Get out my face.

(groans)

Bryana, stop!

What?

Those cookies are spoiled.

If you eat them, they'll
have to take you away

in an ambulance and
pump your stomach.

But I already ate one.

Hurry, go to the bathroom
and brush your teeth!

Hurry! There's still time!

Hurry! Hurry!

Uncle Bernie said you
were supposed to wash
these dishes.

What? That's not my job.
I'm going to Shannon's.

I heard him talking
to Aunt Wanda.

He said he'd come over
there and get you.

If I were you,
I'd get it over with.

(sighs)
Fine. Better washing dishes
than him embarrassing me

in front of my friends
with his big dumb mouth.

Yep.

(snickering)

♪♪

Oh, Mr. Mac.

Hi, Sister Arlene.

Mary. How are you?

BOTH: We're fine.

We just wanted to know
how your wife was feeling.

My wife is fine, why?

Oh, Jordan's been
quite upset

about his aunt's
sudden illness.

Sudden illness?

We just wanted you to know
that we were aware of it.

Oh, and I've told
the other teachers

not to assign
any homework

as long as
the crisis exists.

Crisis?

Jordan has got enough
on his mind.

Sisters, thank you.

Lying to a nun.

Saying his aunt's sick.

He's the one about to be sick.

Going to contract a sudden case
of "ass-us beat-us red-us."

That's Latin for I'm going
to whup his ass till it glows.

I'm pissed, America.

And I ain't lying.

(screaming)

Uncle Bernie,
you stepped on Powerman.

What's your Powerman
doing on the floor?

I thought I told you
to clean this mess up, Jordan.

Hold your horses,
I'm watching television.

Hold my horses.

Boy, I'm about ready

to go Clydesdale
on you.

What's up, guys? Hey.

Hey.

Nothing. Uncle Bernie's just
helping me practice my shot.

Swish.

Yeah, I was... uh, fouling him.

JORDAN:
Uncle Bernie,

would it be okay if I cleaned up
this mess after the TV show?

No, I want you to clean
your mess up now, Jordan.

Swish!

The boy isn't just evil,
he's an evil genius.

A little black Lex Luthor.

He really got some dirt on me.

This is blaxploitation,
I'm telling you, America.

Blaxploitation.

This ain't nothing but
some blaxploitation.

Huh, he's good.

This damn bed.

WANDA:
Bernie!

Yo.

Did you tell the gardeners
to cut down my cherry tree?

No, Wanda,
of course I didn't.

Well, they did.

And they are gone first
thing in the morning.

Oh, baby, just chill.

Now, go in there and get you
a glass of wine, just relax.

It's probably
a misunderstanding.

No, it was a misunderstanding
when they killed my azaleas.

This is unforgivable.

They are gone.
End of discussion.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Speaking of your foliage, okay,

Christina called talking
about your eyebrow appointment

at 6:00, or something
like that, tonight.

Tonight?

Tonight.

But I'm supposed to be going
to Bryana's play tonight.

Oh, this is
just a bad day.

Well, I mean, just call
and reschedule, baby.

Quit tripping.

Reschedule? You can't
reschedule with Christina.

She's booked
months in advance.

Oh, stop it.

Now, that's just
totally ridiculous.

You talking about
waxing some eyebrow.

How difficult is it,
waxing some eyebrows?

You give me some candles,
tweezers and a razor blade,

lie across the bed...

I'll hook you up, baby.

Pluck it out...

I'll call and reschedule.

You know, you look kind of sexy
when you're dirty.

Whatever.

Baby girl, have you
been jumping on my bed?

-No, it wasn't me,
Uncle Bernie.
-(doorbell rings)

(Bernie sighs)

(groans)

(ratchet turning)

Oh...

I guess you're here
for your last check, huh?

Mr. Mac, we are very sorry
we cut your tree.

Yeah... I bet next time you'll
be a little careful, won't you?

Si, but your son
told Luis that you
wanted it down.

I'll see you next week.
Don't worry about it.

Oh, baby girl,
I can't get over

how wonderful you
were in that play.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And you were so talented.

And by far
the prettiest one up there.

It just made
my heart soar.

Yeah, I know what
you did, Jordan.

I know it was you.

It was you that cut
down that cherry tree.

Jordan, you're trying
to punk me.

I'm going to let you know
I'm unpunkable, okay?

Uncle Bernie,
I need a haircut.

Do you have any clippers?

No, I don't have any clippers.

But I'd be more than happy

to take you to the barber
shop next to the bakery.

You know the bakery, son,

the one that
sells cherry pies.

I like the name Michael,

and I like the name Jordan.

Michael... Jordan.

Michael Jordan.

What do you think, Uncle Bernie?

I think I ought
to punch you.

That boy must be crazy--
playing tit-for-tat with me.

Bernie Mac don't play
no tit-for-tat

with no eight-year-old.
He think he smart?

He don't know
who he's dealing with.

I'll beat that boy
by being a bigger man.

I'm going to screw him
by being honest.

I'm a top-thologist
when it come to bull.

You went to the Clipper game?!

Jordan cut down
your cherry tree.

-Stool pigeon.
-You did what?

You know how excited
I was about that little tree.

Why did you do that?!

JORDAN:
Well, I was playing NFL
with a friend,

and every time one of us
would go out for a pass,

that stupid cherry tree
got in our way.

So, I kind of told
the gardeners that Uncle Bernie

wanted them to cut it down.

I fired our gardeners
for nothing.

Yeah, and they got families,
big ones.

Oh, stop it, America.

Check the census.

This boy's a bad apple--
a rotten one.

Yeah, that fell from
the Bernie Mac tree.

-Hey...
-She's right.

Bernie, how do you have
the audacity to have your nephew

fake an asthma attack?

I was worried
sick about him.

Have you no shame?

Yeah, baby, I...

It was Michael Jordan.

How many comebacks
do you think he's got left?

I am disappointed
in you both.

Lies...

deceit.

You're worse than
that awful family

in Dark Deceptions,

and that was a horror movie.

Yeah, I bet we have bodies

buried under our floorboards,
too.

What you know about
the floorboards, Nessa?

My friend told me about it.

Yeah, right.

WANDA:
Wait a minute.

That was you.

What are you
talking about?

WANDA:
I was waiting
for my appointment.

As usual,
Christina was running late.

I was flipping through
the Cosmo

when I glanced out of
the window for just a moment.

That's when I thought
I spotted Vanessa.

I thought your uncle and I
were crystal clear

about you not seeing
R-rated movies.

I can't believe I gave you
the benefit of the doubt.

Lucky for us you spotted her
during your eyebrow appointment,

or you would have got away
with cold-blooded murder.

Oh, don't play
innocent, Bernie.

You're in it
just as deep as she is.

Okay, then, that's fine.

You want to talk about
innocence?

How you like
baby girl play,
sweetheart?

And what was
your favorite part?

Don't change the subject.

Yeah, Aunt Wanda,

what was your favorite
part of the play?

I loved all of it, sweetie.

Did you like the part
where she came out
like a beautiful flower?

Oh, I loved that part.

She was precious,
and she looked adorable.

She did look cute as a flower.

And you know that song
that she sang?

-Uh-huh.
-You know the one.

Oh, I loved it. You were
most magnificent, baby girl.

BERNIE:
Oh, sweetheart,

she wasn't a flower.

She was a rabbit
the whole time.

BRYANA:
I didn't sing, either.

I hopped the whole time.

This is getting good.

VANESSA:
I guess you're
as bad as we are.

Except I didn't lie
to a five-year-old.

Oh, God.

Oh, baby girl,

I'm so sorry.

I-I-I tried to make it
to your play,

really, honestly, I did.

I didn't realize my appointment
was going so long.

I drove as fast as I could.

But by the time I got there,

the play
was already over.

(applause)

(sighs)

Please...

don't be mad at me.

I am so sorry,
baby girl.

I know you're not
going to understand,

but, see, Christina,
she's booked solid

for the next two months,

and you wouldn't want
your Aunt Wanda

walking around with the unibrow,
would you?

BERNIE:
Stop it.

Stop it.

All of us should be ashamed
of ourselves.

All of us.

Everyone here
except baby girl,

because she's the only good one
in the bunch.

I tell the truth.

You sure do.

I wish you would
tell the truth.

You always try
to kill my spirits.

Take him to the
emergency hospital.

You better watch-- I got
to watch you with binoculars.

I feel better, America.

See, here I was thinking
I was a snake,

feeding the boy
forbidden fruit,

when it turns out the whole
garden brimming with serpents.

The entire family is low-down
and deceitful as I am.

See, I got to lead
by a better example.

From now on, no more lying.

The only one who hasn't been
corrupted is baby girl.

See, she's still like Eve--
I mean, before the apple.

Innocent, pure as snow.

(giggling)

Not funny, Bernie.

Anyway, America,
they did have a good time.

The boy
didn't have a good time,

but now he's got to get past
one last hurdle.

(wheezing)

I'm just kidding.

You got a lot
of nerve, Billy.

You want something to drink?

(wheezes)

(laughing)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA