Original subtitles

Look at that.

Doggone. I'm so sick of this.

I don't know what to do. Look at that--another one, another one.

300 cable channels, I got to block off 280.

You know why?

Sex. It's every doggone where.

It's on TV, DVD, videotape.

Even on the Internet.

Let me tell y'all. The other day, baby girl was on the computer,

looking for some pictures of some pussycats.

It took me six hours to explain to her what she saw.

Now, America, I'm gonna tell you something.

We got to get this doggone sex off the television

and put it back on the street, where it belongs.

This is ridiculous.

Huh.

Another one.

That's a commercial.

This...

♪ Baby, don't you know that I love you so? ♪

(whistling)

(door closing)

Hey, yo, man.

Uh... where's the pool?

Yo, man?

Excuse me?

The pool.

The pool?

Man, forget it. I'll find it.

♪ Welcome to the party ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Welcome to the party ♪

♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Party tonight ♪

♪ Working hard all day now it's time to play ♪

♪ Gotta find some... ♪

♪ Gotta get away ♪

♪ Only one place to go ♪

♪ Where the feelings folds so you always know ♪

♪ Theres a good thing ♪

Baby?

Hmm?

What's all these kids here?

Vanessa's having a pool party.

Who told Vanessa she could have a pool party in my doggone house?

I told Vanessa she could have a pool party at our house.

Now, relax, Bernie.

The kids are just having fun.

You know what? That's all right.

But if I see that knot-headed boy walking around here--

the one that was in the house-- acting like it's his...

Sweetie, just go back inside.

See, now, that-that right there?

That's one of those Similac babies.

W.B.: Man, they didn't make them

like that when we were young.

CHU: Uh-uh.

Man, if I was 15 now...

You'd still be peeking and not playing,

so shut up.

What y'all doing?

Yo, yo, yo, Bernie, man, look.

Man, these girls dressing like they grown, man.

Look at the one in the blue right there.

Where?

-Right there. -Mm-hmm.

That's Wanda.

(laughing) Sorry, man.

That's my bad, man.

I don't envy you, man.

My daughter's a year older than Vanessa,

and I'm already chasing away the boys.

Yeah, man, and boys at that age

only have one thing on they minds, dog.

Uh-huh.

(sighs)

Oh, cut it out, man.

Y'all are trying to put the cables on me, man.

Make me paranoid.

Besides, man, you're talking about kids.

You know, I ain't worried about it.

Wanda's out-out there.

She's chaperoning.

BOTH: Mm-hmm.

(beeping)

What the hell is that?

Hey, man, we're just telling you how little boys are.

No need to get upset.

No.

No!

No!

Hands off.

What are you doing?

Man, why your pops got to be like that?

-I'm not her pops. -He's not my pops.

Why don't you get in the pool and cool off?

I can't swim.

I don't want you to swim.

Why don't you get in the deep end?

Bernie, leave these kids alone.

Look here. I'm telling y'all both.

I'm not going to let Vanessa bring another mouth

in this house for us to feed.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about your sister too doggone young

to become an auntie. That's what I'm talking about.

Aunt Wanda, can you please tell your husband

to leave me alone?

He's ruining my party.

She's a good girl.

Stop worrying.

He was holding her hand, baby.

Exactly, Bernie. Holding hands.

-How bad is that? -That's a start.

That young boy got hormones jumping all out of his body.

And you ain't making it no better with that outfit you got on.

You like my outfit, Bernie Mac?

Wanda, stop it.

You're making it real hard for me

to do my duty... as a parent.

You let Aunt Wanda handle the duties as a parent,

and maybe tonight,

we'll talk about your husbandly duties.

Now, shoo.

Go on.

What you doing?

Oh, ah, um... noth...

It was time-out.

You're a liar.

(beeping)

I'm sick of this.

How the hell I get back here?

Hey... what's this?

Huh?

I was giving Kevin my number...

No, you was giving Kevin my number.

How come you're not at the deep end?

You better hurry up.

(buzzing)

Your pager blowin' up.

VANESSA: (sighing) You are ruining my life!

Aunt Wanda?

Bernie Mac, out!

Talking about, I'm ruining your life.

Girl, I'm trying to save your life.

Well, fine.

I'll tell you what.

I ain't changing no diapers.

Ought to kick you in your chest.

Hey, where y'all...

Where y'all going?

Yo, man, we can catch the game somewhere else, all right?

No, no, man. I'm cool, man.

Come on, sit down.

Sit down.

Hey.

What?

What the...?

That little knot head! Hey!

Bernie's letting those kids drive him crazy, man.

Vanessa!

Yeah.

What y'all running for?

'Cause you won't leave us alone.

Alone?

Why you want to be alone?

Y'all must be up to something.

We were just getting some soda.

Soda? Yeah.

I know what that means.

You better not be getting no "soda" in this house, boy.

What?

Don't "what" me, boy.

You know exactly what I mean.

I'm not going to let you run this girl's life.

Matter of fact, I want you out of my house.

Your party is over!

I can't stand you.

Yeah, okay.

You get out of here.

You see how ungrateful she is?

She hates me.

I'm trying to save her from making a big mistake.

I ain't trying to be no hard guy, America.

But I'll chase baby girl

around this house every day if I have to

if that's what it takes

to keep her away from boys... hoo.

I hate him.

I heard that!

I heard that.

Hey, babe.

This is a great age, huh?

Tell me about it.

I got a 13-year-old at home.

Nothing but trouble.

She had a pool party the other day.

All kinds of boys walking through the house

hitting on her like they're grown.

Well, then, I'm the bad guy

when I throw their stuff in the pool.

I think we ought to lock 'em up

from the ages of 13 to 18 to keep them safe

and then at the age of 18, unlock 'em,

kick 'em out of the house.

That's exactly how I feel.

Kids need boundaries.

That's why I sent my boy to Catholic school.

Me, too.

I'm Bernie, man.

-Hi. David. -Hey, David.

There we go.

Hey, sport.

Hey.

Dad, can I go over Jordan's house and play?

No. I think Bernie's busy,

and you got homework. Come on.

No, no, no. He can come.

I mean, this is a great time

for boys to build a lifelong friendship.

Yeah. You're right.

-4:00? -Fine with me.

(doorbell rings)

Nessa, get that.

Why? None of my friends are welcome here,

so I know it's not for me.

(doorbell rings)

Bernie.

Hey, Dave.

What's going on? Dave.

Byron.

Hey, Jordan, Byron's here.

Bernie Mac?

Yes.

I can't believe Dave didn't know who you were.

I am your biggest fan.

You are, like, the funniest man on the planet.

Uh... thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

This is Phil, my very over-the-top partner.

Partner?

Bernie, I was just telling Phil

how much you and I have in common.

It's uncanny.

It's unnatural.

(laughter)

Well, I hope you have a good time, Byron.

Give Daddy a kiss.

Okay.

Ciao, Bernie.

Ciao.

Take it easy.

Okay.

Here we go.

All right. Today is you guys' day.

Anything you want to do is fine.

Look, I got a football.

I got a pair of boxing gloves.

Hey, look here.

I got toy guns.

We can play war.

Y-you do play war, don't you, Byron?

Oh, what else?

See this video game here?

This game here--

man, you could tear a guy's head clear off!

We're gonna have some good regular-guy fun today.

BYRON: Make a loop.

The bunny goes up the hole,

around the tree,

and back into the hole.

Now, pull, but not too tight.

Like this?

What the hell? Yarn?!

What are you guys doing?

Byron's showing me how to make a knot.

Why are you using yarn?

That's for needlepoint or tying bows on girls...

Now, give-give me this.

We couldn't find anything else.

You mean, you couldn't find wire or-or fishing line,

extension cord or something like that to play with?

-Mr. Mac? -Yes?

Isn't that stuff dangerous?

Um... yes.

Listen, it's too nice outside for y'all to be inside

playing with knots.

Come on. I want y'all to get up.

I want you to go outside and play.

Go on. Why don't you show him some cards or something?

Be a man.

Bryana's having fun with her dolls.

Why don't you go break that up?

The Undertaker says bring it on!

(both grunting)

(laughter)

Oh, the Three Stooges is something else.

I'd have killed that mother...

(grunting)

Jordan. Jordan, Jordan.

Byron, Jordan, stop, stop.

Break it up. What's going on here?

Y'all are playing too close.

We were just playing WWF.

I was about to give him a pile driver.

There ain't gonna be no pile driver, Jordan.

Did I do something wrong?

No, son.

You didn't do nothing wrong.

Listen... I just want y'all to have some fun.

Good clean fun, okay?

Now, here. Go to it.

-("Y.M.C.A" By Village People plays) -I'm making too much of this.

Maybe I'm too old-school.

Maybe they're just children.

Maybe they're just boys out there having fun.

Ain't nothing wrong with that boy.

America... the Mac man apologizes.

Go deep.

Oh, my Lord! Jordan!

♪ Young man, there's no need to feel down ♪

That's it. Play date over.

But why?

'Cause I said so.

But we were having fun.

Yeah, that was your first mistake.

Byron, let's go get your stuff.

Aw!

"Aw." Let's go.

America, I know exactly what you thinkin'.

Those are two young boys out there playing

and what could be so wrong?

See, I'm not trying to mess with the boys' fun.

I just don't want them to grow up too soft.

See, Jordan, he can be anything he wants to be.

If he wants to grow up to be a policeman,

he can be that.

Or how about a construction worker?

Nothing wrong with that.

He even might want to join the navy.

Hey, I have no problem with that.

It does not matter if you want to be a biker, or a cowboy,

or a Indian chief.

I personally don't mind.

The boy can be whatever he wants to be, right?

OTHERS: Whatever he wants to be!

See?

How you doing, cop?

Uh, Chief, your wampum coming out your pouch..

L-l-let's move on.

Hey, Bernie.

Hey, hey.

Hey, buddy.

Hi, sport.

Everything okay?

Yeah. The boys are great, you know?

Jordan has asthma

and I can see all the activity

is kind of wearing him down.

Oh, hey, hon.

What's going on?

Oh, uh, Brenda, this is Bernie.

Bernie, this is my wife.

Your wife?

I thought you and Phil was partners.

We are.

We're writing partners.

But sometimes I think they're the married couple.

Hey, you know what?

I got to get back. Jordan has the...

(coughs) Wheezes.

Sorry.

See? That's why I didn't judge.

At most, I was overly cautious.

And there was children involved.

Okay, I hurt Jordan's feelings.

I'm sorry.

He'll get over it.

And if I hurt y'all out there, forgive me.

I hate him.

I heard that!

(wheezing)

Take your medicine!

(wheezing louder)

So, how we going to get him?

I don't know, but we have to choose our time just right.

Bryana's asleep.

Do you have any plans for tonight?

No, you know I ain't got no plans for tonight.

Good, because I'm expecting a package.

Package?

Good night, kids.

-Good night. -Good night.

See? Respect.

That's what I'm talking about.

So, you want me to steal the package.

No, no, no; there is no package.

That was just a cover-up

so they could handle their business.

It's more like a code word.

Oh. They're nasty.

This will be the perfect time for us to get him.

Yeah. Let's get him.

Do you think there's cookies in the packages?

I don't know, but if you help us out,

I promise I'll get you a whole bunch of cookies.

Yay!

Shh.

(softly) Yay.

You know, Mrs. Mac,

I think you're trying to seduce me.

And guess what?

I kind of like it.

(sexy laugh) Get over here.

(knock at door)

BRYANA: Uncle Bernie?

What?

I'm scared.

Scared of what?

Um, I forgot.

Well, come back when you remember.

Okay.

(knock at door)

Uncle Bernie?

Baby, hold on.

Mmm.

Hold on.

(yelling) What?!

(frustrated sigh)

You see?

There's no monsters down here.

(grunting)

Now, look, I looked everywhere.

Can't find no monsters.

Now, anybody else want anything?

Okay, good,

'cause as of right now,

Uncle Bernie officially off the clock.

Don't call me for nothing.

Call me again... and see what happen to you.

Is everything okay?

They just crazy, man.

How do those kids have great timing, man?

Who cares?

Now it's our time.

-You know what? -What?

I been yearning for you, baby.

(whispering) Now!

What the hell is that?!

Hold on one second, see what I'm talking about?

-See? -(moans softly)

Now, look, I done told you all for the last time

not to disturb me, and that mean not even a knock on the door.

I don't want you all to get out of bed for nothing.

If you put one foot on the floor,

I'm going to be angry, do you understand me?

What if we...?

What if nothing! You can't do nothing!

I don't care if there earthquake. You just ride it.

I should have left you all at Cabrini-Green.

Bunch of animals.

Like you ain't got no home training.

(romantic music)

(thud)

-What's that? -That's Bernie Mac.

No, I'm serious.

I heard something outside.

It could be a stray cat, right?

Meow.

See? See?

(both moaning provocatively)

Bernie? Bernie, look.

What, what, what, what?

I told you

there's someone in the yard.

Who out there?!

Hold on just a sec... hold on, now.

You let me come out there.

You picked the wrong house.

Wrong house.

Why you pick the wrong house?

You picked the wrong house!

Yes, sir!

Now, I'm going to ask you one more time--

Who out there?!

BRYANA: It's a monster!

See? See? I knew it was you kids.

I told you not to get out of bed, didn't I?

Y'all really in trouble now.

Oh it's on now. I don't know who y'all think y'all playing with.

Like I ain't never been a kid.

I was the worst kid on the block, boy.

When I was... yeah, I saw you!

I see you! Ha-ha... ow!

Whoa... I'm okay.

You better hope my leg is broke.

I swear, for... Lord, whatever on top of me... Wanda.

Wanda.

Hey.

Okay, I understand

that you were angry with your Uncle Bernie,

but did you even consider your Aunt Wanda's feelings?

VANESSA: Sorry, Aunt Wanda.

You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Yeah, you were collateral damage.

No, no, you all was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I told y'all not to get out of bed,

and y'all chose to disrespect our privacy.

You didn't respect ours.

Yeah!

You little kids ain't got no doggone privacy.

Bernie, stop it.

Vanessa?

He embarrassed me in front of all my friends.

Jordan?

I feel like Byron's mad at me 'cause he had to go home early.

Bernie, say you're sorry.

I'm not saying...

Bernie, say you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

Kids,

say "That's okay, Uncle Bernie."

KIDS: That's okay, Uncle Bernie.

Okay.

Great. We're all one big happy family.

You go to bed. You three stay.

(mumbling) ...gon' tell me I'm damn sorry.

I ain't did nothing.

Now, your Uncle Bernie has shown you

that your feelings are important,

and he and I need our time alone, you understand?

-Yes, ma'am. -Yes, ma'am.

Good,

because the next person that comes into your room

will be me,

and we don't want that, do we?

-No, Aunt. -No.

Good.

Good night.

And I'll take these.

♪ And give me that tenderness ♪

♪ I love so much ♪

♪ But never get enough ♪

♪ Gimme that sexual healing ♪

WANDA: Baby, let's go.

Baby?

Bernie?

(sighing)

♪ Talking about you and me ♪

♪ We don't need nobody else ♪

We'll pick up on this tomorrow night.

Oh, wait, I have a meeting.

Okay, some other time.

♪♪

(fiendish cackling)

♪ It should be now ♪

Let me be straight.

This ain't about Jordan being gay.

I don't care if he play with a little boy or a little girl.

I don't want him to be exposed to sex at his age.

If you like, I'll put him in a bubble.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

You ain't gon' tell...

Don't tell me how to raise my nephew.

If I want him to play with whoever I want him to play with