Original subtitles

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America, we've had some good times together, right?

So now you know me.

Even with the television show, I'm still Bernie Mac.

I still say the things you want to say, but you can't.

I'm not saying it's easy.

See, every week somebody's in my face, talking about

"Bernie Mac, you can't say this. Bernie Mac, you can't say that."

I told you television was not going to change me,

and it hasn't.

I still say what I want.

You hear me?

I'm still not sure what the problem is.

Is Bryana hurt?

Oh, something she said.

Well, what did she say?

You don't want to discuss it over the phone?

Okay, I'm on my way.

What did baby girl say?

I thought in the time it would take you to get here

I would have the courage to repeat it.

But, um...

You can't say?

Well, can you write it down?

I already did.

Baby girl said this?

Now, see, what I cannot understand, Mr. Mac,

is where she could have heard it.

I mean, who would have said

such an ugly, hateful, angry thing?

Hey, baby?

Hmm?

The phone bill's kind of high this month.

Look at that.

Oh, Vanessa was doing good in school

so I let her call some friends.

Nessa?

Mm-hmm.

You still got to watch her, baby.

I mean, she already thinks we're rich.

Well, compared to where she's from...

Yeah, but she thinks we're all country club rich.

Old money rich.

Shoot, we're just nigga rich.

What?

Look at that.

I don't mean to talk out of turn,

but we here at Wellington

don't consider this to be appropriate language.

You know, I agree,

and I'm going to talk to baby girl,

and I guarantee you she will never use that word again.

Well, that's great.

-But, Mr. Mac? -Yes?

I don't mean to talk out of turn again,

but I'm not sure that

it's appropriate for anyone to say.

Well, it's...

Look, I don't mean to overstep.

No, no, no. Step.

I mean, maybe I'm not in a position to say...

No, no, you're in a position.

-If I'm speaking out of turn... -It's your turn to speak.

But isn't this such an ugly,

hateful, angry word?

You know, let me explain.

I'm not quite sure I really know how to explain,

but when I was growing up,

we used this word in many different ways,

and we didn't really mean anything by it.

For example, if someone did something ridiculous,

we would say, "Look at that crazy..."

Or if a brother was real tough,

we'd say, "That's one bad..."

You know, or if a cat smelled real bad,

we would say, "Old stinkin'..."

Okay. Thank you, Mr. Mac.

I understand your point.

Now hold up, America.

See, Bernie Mac is not condoning the use of this word.

I'm just trying to explain to her

how I used it in the past,

and I'm quite sure some of you...

But that's all right.

Bernie Mac ain't mad at you.

Anyway, I've used it, too.

See, I'm just being truthful,

so before y'all start casting stones,

let's move on.

Let me sh...

No, y'all don't need to see everything.

You don't need to know everything.

She said ...

(water running)

(talking while brushing teeth)

...everybody watching me, and I ain't got no privacy.

I understand, baby.

But we should watch what we say in front of Bryana, though.

Honestly, sweetheart,

I didn't know she was over there.

I wasn't trying to hurt nobody.

She over there eavesdropping.

Honey...

I think it's more than that, you know?

When it was just you and me in the house,

there were certain things that we could do,

certain things that we could say,

and now we have a house full of kids.

We're role models now.

Role models!

Role model?

Huh. I'm already a role model.

Oh, come on, America.

Y'all see me every week.

I feed those kids, I keep them in line

I put a roof over their head

and you're going to tell me I'm not a role model?

Please. Now granted,

sometimes my methods are a little coarse,

but I don't have any outside kids,

you know what I'm saying?

Now, see, Bernie Mac, he's one of those...

Uncle Bernie?

Did I say something bad?

Come here, baby girl.

Oh...

You know...

I said something bad,

and I shouldn't have said it. My big mouth.

And I don't ever want you to say it again, okay?

Okay.

Uncle Bernie?

Hmm?

Are you going to say it anymore?

I'm going to try my best not to,

and I want you to pray for your Uncle Bernie, okay?

Okay.

Now do me a favor. I want you to go in the kitchen,

pour yourself some chocolate milk,

and I'm going to come in there,

-and we're going to have some together, okay? -Okay.

Hey, I love you.

You didn't say nothing back.

There you have it, America.

I guess Bernie Mac can't say whatever he wants.

All right, I learned my lesson.

End of story.

Sorry, America, I guess it's a short one tonight

and I don't think I need to tie up any loose ends,

you know what I mean?

So, what can I possibly say right now?

What could be said?

Come on, Mr. Cooley.

What do you mean we got a problem?

No, I said "potential problem."

Potential problem?

Well, Mr. Mac,

the teacher doesn't want to talk out of turn,

but she's concerned about your choice of words

around the children. They seem hostile to her.

Hostile? Cooley, I ain't said nothing hostile to those kids.

Well, weren't you angry about a phone bill?

Yeah, I was ang...

I mean, I wasn't angry when I said...

Um...

I know she told you what I said.

Once again, she didn't want to talk out of turn.

For somebody who doesn't want to talk out of turn, she sure is bumping her gums.

-Mr. Mac... -Come on!

You've known me for a while now.

I'm a good person. I do good by those kids, man.

You know, and I mean, to some other kid,

I'd probably be a role model.

I'm not going to file a report.

This was obviously a misunderstanding.

All right, fine, that's what I'm talking about.

So we're cool again, right?

Just one word of advice.

I know her kind.

She's one of those touchy-feely Berkeley types.

Just be extra-careful what you say around her,

especially in anger.

Oh, come on now, Cooley, come on...

Then you won't have to have somebody like me

coming around and wasting your time.

I want to go play.

No, you don't. You're going to sit right there

and you're going to wait on your sister.

Come on, Uncle Bernie.

Jordan, I said sit there and wait on your sister.

That's what I mean.

You want to race?

No, I don't want to race.

I just want to sit right here and wait on your sister.

There she is.

(door thumps)

Jordan! No, you don't.

You better not have put a dent in my car, I swear.

There's a dent, I'll put your hand

right in the door and smash it.

I'm not kidding.

Every time I try to tell you something...

(yells) Oh, Jordan!

What's wrong with you?

Are you blind?

Huh?

What do I have to do to put

some sense in your head, Jordan?

Beat you in the head with a dictionary?

It ain't going to do no good,

'cause you ain't going to see it coming,

your big, thick pop-bottle glasses you got on.

Jordan, I swear, you make me so doggone angry,

I just want to wring your neck, you stupid little beetle!

You...

Hi, Uncle Bernie!

Stupid little beetle?

Oh, Lord...

Hi.

The boy dented my car, Cooley.

I'm not saying that you're not justified.

What you saying, then?

I get peeved myself. You're not a bad man.

It's just the words you chose.

-Cooley... -Look..

it's not like I'm here to take away the kids.

You know what, Cooley?

That's not a bad idea.

That's a solution.

You need to take away the kids. I'm a bad man, Cooley.

Okay, Mr. Mac, if I thought you were serious,

I'd be worried,

but I know that your heart's in the right place, okay?

Okay, man, that's it.

Well, not quite.

I'm going to have to visit you periodically

-over the next week for observation. -What?

Just to make sure this isn't a hostile environment.

See, Cooley, there you go again

with that doggone word "hostile."

What do you mean by "hostile"?

Well, it's just standard procedure.

Oh, Cooley, you...

Mr. Mac,

this is nothing to be overly concerned about.

Just watch your words.

Watch my words.

Come on, America, how am I suppose to watch my words?

(mutters)

What the hell is this?

Let's move on.

What?

Did you remember to sign my permission slip

for the Covina meet?

You do your homework?

Yeah.

All of it? Your math?

Yeah.

Well, Nessa, if you did your homework,

you'd know that your permission slip

inside your math book.

Nessa, you just lied to me.

Just for that, you spend two days in your room.

Two days? That's not fair.

You know what? You're right. Let's make it three.

Two plus one is three.

You'd know that if you did your math.

-But... -But nothing.

What you mean "but"?

You keep on talking, you get a life sentence.

You'll never see the sun.

Now, go to your room, Nessa.

You little liar.

Baby girl, come on, put some clothes on.

But I'm Beach Barbie.

Baby... baby girl, look. Look.

It's too cold for you to wear that.

You going to mess around, you're going to get sick.

But Beach Barbie wears a bikini.

But Beach Barbie can't catch a cold, baby.

(sighs)

Okay, you want to wear that,

you're going to catch the flu.

And if you catch the flu and start throwing up,

I'm not going to do nothing.

And if you start throwing up, I'm going to make you lie in it.

-Now, you want to do that? -No.

Baby girl, could you please put on some clothes?

-Okay. -Thank you.

Now, that's good parenting.

Jordan, put that ice cream up. You're about to eat dinner in a few minutes.

Oh, but I'm hungry now.

I didn't ask you that. I said put it up.

Oh, come on, Uncle Bernie.

If I tell you again, Jordan,

you're going to be holding the carton

to the lump I put on your head. Put it up.

Aw...

What's that you're writing, Jordan?

Nothing.

Let me see it.

Move.

"State of California, Department of Social Service."

What the hell is this?

That's a standard Social Services form.

For what?

Well, sometimes in our passionate expressiveness,

we can be careless with the words we choose.

And this is just a little exercise

to help us with our awareness.

It's an awareness exercise.

Oh, Cooley, I'm aware.

I'm aware I got a couple of stool pigeons

trying to send me down the doggone river, Cooley.

No, Mr. Mac, they're just writing down your words.

Uh, for instance, Vanessa said here

that you would lock her in her room

and she would never see the sun?

Uh-uh, now-now, Cooley, Cooley, that was...

that was taken out of context.

Well, not seeing the sun in any context is harsh.

Let's move on.

Okay.

Jordan said he'd have to hold ice cream

to the lump you gave him on his head.

No, no, no, I'm-I'm not going down for that.

I was referring to the ice cream.

Well, lump on a child's head is hostile.

Wh-Wh-What'd you suggest I say?

Knot? Bump? Contusion?

I'm just saying that a head injury to a child

is inappropriate.

Oh... that's bull!

"Bull."

Can you believe this?

They got the kids diming on me.

All right, cool.

Let them twist Bernie Mac words

to sound like they're angry or hostile.

I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do, America.

I'm going to slap the taste out of one of their mouths.

That's right. I can see them now.

"Uncle Bernie, I can't taste my breakfast."

That's because Uncle Bernie

slapped the taste out of your mouth.

Did I go too far?

Stool pigeon. Rats. Tricks.

"How would you like a four-knuckle tattoo"?

No, no, no, no, now hold on. Hold on, now, Cooley.

I never said nothing...

Let's... let's move on.

"Jump down your throat and stomp on your liver"?

Hold... Cooley, hold on.

Now, you know that's not even physically possible.

You know that, Cooley.

"Nanny-nanny boo-boo.

Stick your head in doo-doo."

What? That's good, right?

"I'm going shopping for a tiny pink coffin"?

Look... look here.

I was talking about the little Barbie doll.

There's no way in heck

I was talking about little baby girl like that.

Come on, you know I wouldn't say nothing like that.

Cooley, I swear. Come on.

I can't eat... but I...

See, that's...

I can't say...

All right, fine. Fine.

I ain't saying nothing.

-No, you don't. -Yes, I do!

-No, you don't. -Be quiet!

You baby, be quiet!

You stupid jerk!

Cut it out!

-Shut up! -Leave me alone!

-You always get your way. -No, you don't.

-Yes, I do! -No, I don't!

Yes, you do!

-No, I don't! -Yes, you do, little baby!

-No, I don't! -Yes, you do, little ugly baby!

So what happened?

Yo, all kinds of stuff.

She had this little paddle.

Wanted me to act like a naughty boy.

(laughs)

This girl was fine, too, man.

I'd take a spanking from her.

-Would you? -Yeah, I would.

Would you take one now?

Give me all the chips, baby, all the chips.

Yes, sir.

Hey.

I took five dollars off your dresser for nail polish.

Oh, okay.

(chuckles)

Hey, man.

Uh-huh.

You all right?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

I think she said she took your money, man.

I heard her.

Yo, yo, man, uh,

you want me to handle up on this?

Look, fellas, I'm fine.

Come on, I thought we were going to play cards.

Okay, I'll deal, then.

Yeah, well, just deal the cards.

Bernie.

You sure you're all right, man?

I'm fine. You all right?

When the last time you had a physical?

Six months ago.

You check your hearing?

I said I'm fine. You fine?

Deal the damn cards. Deal them.

-All right. -Oh, go on, man. I'm fine.

Damn. Let's play some cards.

Ooh, Chewy Bears.

Ugh, those are... I hate those.

Hey!

Jordan, baby girl, stop it, please.

What you looking at?

Did I say anything to you when you picked about, what,

15, 16 items?

Don't turn your back on me when I'm talking to you.

You the one started it.

Yeah, you better walk away.

Yeah, walk away and judge somebody else's kids.

That's right. What everybody looking at?

Everybody all in my business.

America, you know what need to be done.

You know what they need. I can't do nothing.

My hands are tied.

Look, they took that away from me.

America, I am truly sorry about that.

I just couldn't hold it in.

I shouldn't have taken it out on her.

If any one of you all know her out there,

please tell her that Bernie Mac is sorry, please.

I know better than that.

I was brought up better than that.

Big Mama gave me home training.

I just act like I drank or something. I don't...

Ignorant.

Uh, dog!

Huh!

Wanda!

What's wrong, baby?

Come here.

Bernie, you all right?

No, I ain't all right.

I almost broke my doggone neck

because you got a million pair of shoes up in here.

Why you got so many shoes? You only got two feet.

Bernie, I'm not going to argue with you about these shoes.

I'm not arguing, Wanda.

I'm just telling you how I feel.

What's going on?

Wanda, I can't take it. I swear I can't take it.

I keep biting my tongue around these kids,

I'm going to pop, I'm going to lose it.

I can't be myself, I can't be Bernie Mac.

And if I can't be Bernie Mac,

this is how it's going to come out.

Somebody got to pay the price.

You all I got.

Can you hold me, baby?

I'm pitiful, Wanda.

That's okay, baby.

Jordan says you gave him a threatening look.

But I'm not going to put that down.

And Vanessa says

that you mumbled something incoherently.

That's not a big deal.

So it seems like things have gotten a lot better.

Yeah, Uncle Bernie's been on excellent behavior.

His word choice has been phenomenal.

I learned that.

Heh, heh, heh.

Yeah, he's much more pleasant to be around.

Great. Okay.

Mr. Mac, you have anything to add?

Nothing?

For what, Cooley?

Anything I say is going to get twisted around,

and you're going to write down in that little pad.

Actually, no. Anything that's said within this meeting

is between us and goes no further.

It's completely confidential.

Completely confidential?

Yes, like an attorney- client privilege.

-Really? -Yes.

So I can say anything I want, right?

As long as it's within the context of this meeting.

So I can talk about grabbing somebody by the ponytail,

shaking their head till they're damn near dizzy,

till water start pouring out their eyes,

you know what I mean, Nessa?

I can talk about that, can't I?

And you, Jordan, you know doggone well

you're not supposed to throw no candy.

As a matter of fact, you're not supposed to throw anything.

I should've put a dent in your head the same way you did in my car.

It's all right for me to do that, Cooley?

And you, baby girl, yeah.

You're just too cute. That's the only way you get away with it.

But that's not going to last.

It'll last till you're around six.

What are you, five and three-quarters?

Yeah, and then you'll be right along with them.

And you know what, when you get with them,

POW! Slap all three of y'all.

Boy, I feel so much better, Cooley.

See, the beauty of it

you all ain't hear the real Bernie Mac

two-piece. Pow-pow!

So you ain't going to see the second one,

'cause the first one knocked you out.

Mr. Mac, I can no longer be a party to this abusive tirade.

No, come on, Cooley.

I can't keep watching what I say in front of these kids.

It's going to come out like this.

You leave me no other choice.

Jordan, you got one more time

to sit at that breakfast table

and chew your food with your mouth open,

breathing through your nose.

I'm going to give you a jab in the bread basket.

I swear that'll clear up your sinuses.

Oh, Mr. Mac.

No, you're not there, Cooley.

You don't see them every morning--

-(nasal smacking) -This has got to stop.

This has been going on for over an hour.

Look here, Cooley,

I'm just starting to enjoy myself.

I ask you, you going to come tomorrow?

I wasn't planning to.

Well, come on, hey, kids,

don't y'all want to see Brad Cooley tomorrow?

Say yes.

Please, Mr. Cooley, make him stop.

Very good, Mr. Mac.

Very good.

Bernie Mac is back, baby.

I can say what I want again.

Well, for the most part.

But you know what I'm talking about.

Life is good, America. Life is good.

These kids taking me through all that.

They're just a pain in the ass.

That's what they are, America, just a pain in the ass.

Y'all got kids, you know.

I just deal with mine up front.

I don't go behind the curtain, you know.

Just a pain in the ass.

Ooh, every time you know it's a kid around.

When your booty start hurting, it's a kid around.

A kid is close.

Ooh, my booty hurt. It's a kid somewhere.

Ow!

It's children.

Bryana, what did you just say Billy was?

I said Billy was a pain in the...

Ass?

I understand, baby.

We should watch what we say in front of Bryana though.

Honestly, baby, I didn't know she was over there.

I didn't mean nothing by it.

She over there eavesdropping.

Honey, I think it's more than that.

You know, when it was just you and me in the house,

certain things we could do,

certain things we could say.

But we have a house full of kids where...

(faucet sputtering)

-(man laughs) -(bleeping)

-MAN: Cut! -Did you pay the bill?

Captioned by VISUAL DATA