All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S01E16.Mac.101.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

Look at this.

I bet y'all don't even know
what this is.

No, this ain't no video.

This right here's my savior.

The perfect baby-sitter.

See, it doesn't use my phone
or eat my food

or even ask can a friend
come over.

See, what this baby-sitter does
is give me an hour

so I can have
some peace and quiet.

Now, hold on, now.

I hear you out there.

"Bernie Mac, are you doing
your job as a parent?"

Hell, yes.

In Bernie Mac's opinion,
part of being a good parent

is being aware of
your child's interests.

Hey, Jordan, you want
to get some ice cream

or maybe go to Disneyland?

Uncle Bernie, please!

Sorry, baby.

See, he's interested,
and I'm liberated.

Same as baby girl.
Come on.

(kids' show playing)

Hey, baby girl!

Want to play Barbie?

No.

I want you to help me
with my Spanish.

I'll be glad to help you
with your Spanish.

(show playing in Spanish)

Look, see?

Did I tell you?

The perfect baby-sitter.

See, now Nessa doesn't need
one of these.

She got that ignorant
teenage attitude.

Can't stand nobody and
don't want to talk to nobody.

She makes it easy. Watch.

Hey, Nessa, you want
to do something?

(mumbling)
I don't know.

No, thanks.
I got something
else to do.

Works every time.

Now, who said parenting
is hard?

You just got to know
how to put it on autopilot.

You are going
to throw up.

My dad wants you
and your family

to come over for dinner
Saturday night.

My whole family?

Bernie Mac, too?

I know, it's so stupid.

But we hang out
together so much,

and my dad read
somewhere that

"a parent is involved
in every facet

of their child's life."

Okay, look, Shannon,

you have got
to tell your dad

to stop reading
those parenting books.

I hear you, but please?

It'll chill him out,
and I'll get major points.

You owe.

Thanks.

Jordan, Bryana?

Hello, excuse me.

I want you two
to be on your best
behavior tonight.

That's right,
'cause if anybody embarrass me,

I'm not kidding, I'm going
to pop you right under the eye.

Bernie, you not going to pop
no one underneath the eye.

You watch-- I declare,
that makes people...

Use the knuckle--
pop, right under..

Can't we just stay home?

Shut up!

Bernie, Wanda,
welcome to our home.

Thank you.

You know what, Ed?

I think you and I got
a couple of Olympic gymnasts

on our hands, huh?

That would be great.

So long as she keeps up
her grades.

Isn't that right, honey?

We both know, it takes
more than somersaults

to get into Harvard.

I agree.

That's why baby girl--
see, she's only five,

but she's learning
Spanish right now.

Baby girl--

why don't you
razzle-dazzle us

with some Spanish?

Listen to this, Ed.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro,
cinco, um...

Seis.

Ah, you know
your numbers, too, huh?

Well, actually, he's been fluent
for about a year.

No.

Isn't that right, son?

Sí, papa.

Voy a estudiar en España
algun día.

Y tu?

(whispering)
Sí.

Sí.

The boy's four years old.

That's impossible.

Imposible.

Wow.

You know, Bernie,
I keep telling my kids,

it's not enough these days
to be in honors classes

or do well on the SATs.

I think they should
do away with the SATs.

(laughs)
That's teenagers for you, huh?

Defend your position.

Dad, the SATs
are widely considered to be

a culturally biased assessment
of scholastic aptitude.

And studies have shown

that they aren't
an accurate test of achievement

or how a person
does in college.

But you're still planning on
getting a perfect 1600, correct?

Touché.

Ed, you must tell me,

how in the world
do you keep your kids
so disciplined?

Honestly...
do you whip 'em?

No, caning them.

(laughter)

I like the work ethics, man.

How about some music?

We'd love some.
Some music?

(classical piece playing)

Susan...

This is so lovely.

Next time you have to come
to our house for dinner.

Right, honey?

Huh?

Come to our house?

I can only imagine.

Nessa, where you going?

Baby, she peacing me out!

No! What's going on here?

Where's baby girl?

Oh, Lord!

Oh, man,
that's yours.

I'm so sorry.

Get down from there, boy!

Jordan, are you crazy?

Get down!

Get down from there, boy!

Oh, my God.

Was it the two of spades?

Jordan, that's okay.

The king of hearts?

(polite chuckling)

Ed, Susan, truly--
thank you.

On behalf of my family.

Seven of diamonds?

Uh, get in the car.

I'm sorry. Good night.

It's okay.

I got two of clubs.

Good night, Bernie.

BERNIE:
Ten of diamonds,
ten of diamonds.

Jordan and his doggone
magic tricks.

Did you see those kids
play their instrument?

Bernie, our kids
are not in a competition.

Wanda, I got to prepare
our kids for the real world.

You saw that
five-year-old boy.

He spoke Spanish.

Our kids can't even
talk English.

From now on,
I'm doing something.

Will you teach us Ebonics?

Mm-hmm, okay. All right.

I'll tell you one thing,
when I get done with you...

(snickering)

He-he nothin'!

When I get done
with y'all,

y'all be smarter than
your sister's mouth.

(whispering)
Impossible.

Smart aleck.

Oh, I was serious
when I told those kids

there wasn't going to be
any more video watching.

From now on, in this house,
it's going to be all about

higher learning,
education and schooling.

Shoot, if I don't
nip it in the bud,

Ed's kids are going to be
CEO-ing Fortune 500 companies

while my kids will be calling
bingo numbers

in a church basement.

Hey, Señorita Bryana,

meet me in la cocina

in diez minutos por un snacko.

Si, Tío Bernito.

I talked to
Bryana's teacher,

and she said the best way
for a child to learn a language

is to immerse her.

So we ain't speaking nothing
but Spanish to her,

and she ain't speaking
nothing but Spanish to us.

JORDAN:
Uncle Bernie,
what's this?

I don't want to play
the piano.

And I don't want a
dummy for a nephew.

Look, Jordan, I
rented this thing,

and you going
to play it.

Come on, sit down.

I'll show you.

Come on, sit down.

Now, dig this here.
Look.

(playing "Chopsticks")

Or when you get better,

you'll be able to bring
it off like this here.

(playing jazzy tune)

Trust me, Shannon, you don't.

Now, I would trade
my family for yours any day.

Say adios.

I'm not Bryana.

Look, I'll
call you back.

You're not calling
anybody back.

You going to start
hitting these books.

You're going to get
your math grade back up.

But I'm not good
in math.

You're not good
in math, Vanessa,

because of your study habits.

With a little hard work,
you'll get there.

Why? 'Cause you're a Mac.

And what did you get in math?

It's not about me.

It's about you.

So, get to studying.

Sounds like a "D" to me.

I got your "D."

BERNIE:
Hey, what you doing
in here, son?

It's time for dinner.

No. Dinner ain't for
another 20 doggone
minutes.

You get right back
up in there,

and let me hear some
fancy fingering.

Come on, let's go, Jordan.

I didn't rent that piano
for nothing. Let's go.

(grumbles)

(humming "Chopsticks")

You can do it. Let's go.

(whines)

You don't know nothing.

Uncle Bernie, can I
have a glass of milk?

Is that how you ask, baby girl?

Oh, baby girl.

Uncle Bernie, please?

No, sweetheart, in
Español. Remember?

We spent all morning
covering milk.

I forgot.

Leechee.

WANDA:
It's leche.

And, Bernie, she's just five.

I know she's only
five, sweetheart.

There's a lot of
five-year-old kids
over in Mexico,

and they know
how to say it,

and some right here
in California.

Show Auntie Wanda you
know how to say it.

Go ahead, baby girl.

Leche, por favor.

I told you.

She sounds Italian.

She's only five.

I'm proud of you.

Hey, Bryana, have
you seen my new CD?

Mm-mm.

We ain't got no time
for no music.

Honey, we eat dinner
in 20 minutes.

I'm not hungry.

Well, if you
ain't hungry

that gives you
more doggone time

to go up in
there and study.

And give me
that Walkman.

Give it up.

Yeah, you study your math.

Two plus two is four.

Four plus four is six.

Am I right?

Yeah.

No! Eight!

That's why you need
to get up in there and study.

Here you go.
I brought you some lemonade.

I'm studying.

I know it.

That's why I give you
a little break.

You've been studying so hard.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

I'll let you get back.

What's this, baby girl?

Nessa...

a "D"?

You got a "D"?

It don't make no sense.

You been here studying
all the time.

-How you get a "D"?
-It's hard.

Vanessa, if it's hard,
why don't you ask for some help?

I'll help you.

-No.
-You won't
let me help...

Well...

is this how you study, Nessa?

Answer me.

Is this how
you study, Nessa?

I don't know.

Then you ain't got
no shame, right?

Okay, then, Nessa...

I got a math problem for you.

"D" plus your attitude

equal grounded.

You should think
about that, Nessa.

'Cause it's going to definitely
give you a chance

to think about
what you just did.

And give you
more time to study.

Did you see that?

She didn't even care
she got a "D."

In my day, when I got a "D,"
I felt bad.

Bad because I let myself down
and Big Mama down.

Oh, just thinking about the look
Big Mama would give me.

Ooh, I mean,
still make me shiver.

She didn't
have to say nothing.

Just a look was enough.

She didn't even
have to punish me.

I punished myself.

Put myself on lockdown till
I brought home a better grade.

That darn Vanessa.

Now, America, you tell me again
why I can't whip that child.

♪ ♪

Yo, man.
Come on, dog.

Let me turn up the radio.

See, let me
tell you something.

Y'all better enjoy it
while you can,

because when those tickets
cost $300 at Carnegie Hall,

don't call me for no hookup.

Brother, I don't think
you're going to have

to worry about that.

-Okay, okay.
-(laughter)

Go and get off.

But I'm going to tell you
something right now.

See, I'm pushing my kids
towards excellence.

That's right.

And baby girl, she's going
to be a language expert.

I'm immersing her in Spanish.

You want to immerse her
in Spanish,

bring her over to my house.

My in-laws
are visiting.

We ain't speaking nothing
but Spanish, man.

It's like Mexico,
24/7 up in there.

She'll learn a lot, man.

Are you serious, Chuy?

Yeah, man,
bring baby girl over.

I think that would
be great, man.

That would be good for her
and less work for me.

Thank you, baby.

No problemo, papi.

Oh, Bernie got you
speaking Spanish, too?

(phone ringing)

Si, si, gracias a mi.

Hello? Hey, Ed.

No.

Shannon's not here.

They went to a party
over at Stephanie
Johnson's house.

Hey, baby.

You let her go to a party?

I got her on punishment.

I didn't know.

Let me talk to him.

Ed, hold on.

Let me talk to him.

Hello, Ed?

Yeah, this is Mac.

I'm on my way.

Game over.

(dance music playing)

I told my dad I was going
to a get-together.

Say the word "party"
and he gets all paranoid.

Yeah, fortunately,
my Aunt Wanda
took pity on me.

She seems pretty cool.

Yeah, but she could
have married anybody,

and she married
Bernie Mac.

I don't get it.

♪ ♪

Hey, how about
some brews?

BOTH: Dieting.

(doorbell rings)

Ah, cool, you're
not the cops.

Yo, man, Vanessa here?

I don't know.

(sniffs)

What is that? Smoke?

Y'all smoking in here?

Y'all smoking in here.

Where your parents at?

Man, it's not my house.

Hold on, man.
Unsupervised party?

Son, you best
get out of my way.

Yo, Vanessa!

Oh, God, and there's
no way out.

Nessa!

You all know Vanessa?

That's all right.

I'll find her.

You're too young to die.

Hi, Nessa.

I thought I had you
on punishment, Nessa.

What you doing at a party
where there's alcohol?

BERNIE:
How you doing, Ed?

It seem like our girls
lost their mind

at an unsupervised party
where there's drinking.

Were you drinking?

No, Dad.

How can I believe
anything you say?

You told me you were
at Vanessa's house.

-Dad...
-No more gymnastics.

Let's go.

No more gymnastics?

But I didn't do anything.

I said, let's go.

-You knew you was on
doggone punishment.
-Yeah, unfair punishment.

It ain't for you
to call what's
fair or unfair.

That's my job.

I'm trying to protect you

so you don't make
a mess of your
stupid, little life.

You should be in
the room studying

besides being at some party
where there's alcohol.

First of all, I didn't know
there was going to be drinking.

That's my point.
That's my point
right there.

There's a lot of hidden
dangers out there, Nessa.

And as you get older
and get in high school,

you're going to be exposed
to a lot worse than alcohol.

I have been exposed
to a lot worse.

Or did you forget
where I used to live?

Oh...

Girl got a good point.

Damn.

I don't know what
you're so upset about.

I don't want to drink.
It's stupid.

And besides, nobody on
the gymnastic team drinks.

Okay, Nessa, I'm
going to hold you
to your word.

You can stay on the
gymnastic team, baby.

Thank you.

When your grades
get better.

Grades.

(scoffs)

(door slams)

So she don't want to study.

She just wants
to do gymnastics.

Well, that's fine.

I'll send her to Russia,

and all the time
she ain't studying,

she can spend her time
standing in line

for toilet paper and bread.

Oh, who am I kidding?

You just can't
send your kids away.

America, this is it.

I'm checking out.

No mas. Adios.

I can't take it no more.

(Jordan pounding
on piano keys)

And I'm taking
that doggone piano with me.

Hey.

Hey.

So, I guess you
don't have to worry

about being late for
gymnastics practice.

No kidding.

Is your dad still
mad at you?

He's not speaking to me,
Vanessa.

Did you at least
try to tell him?

Vanessa, he's not
even speaking to me.

It's like he hates me.

(sighs)

Told my mom he should send me
off to boarding school.

So, now do you want
to switch families?

VANESSA:
Can I talk to you guys
for a second?

I just wanted
to tell you guys I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

I really am.

I know you guys
want the best for me.

We want the best
for you, Nessa,

but you got to want
the best for yourself.

I do.

That's what you say.

I hear you talking,
but talk is cheap.

You have to
do something.

Math is really hard.

(sighs)

Nessa, I know
math is hard.

Trig is hard.

Calculus is hard.

Doing a triple
back flip is hard,

but I seen you do it.

Will you help me?

Nessa, I'd be
glad to help you.

America,
I got some exceptional kids.

Sometimes they just need
a little push.

Well, in Nessa case,
a big push.

But it doesn't matter,
just as long as they get there.

And you know what?

They will.

Why? 'Cause they're Macs.

(Jordan playing " Chopsticks"
badly)

Take five, Jordan.

Take five!

Take a nap, take something.

I should have put that boy
in Spanish class like baby girl.

"Help me" in Spanish.
How do...

Llame el policia.

That's close enough.

(Jordan continues playing)

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

iLlame el policia!

-Llame...
-(piano playing stops)

Start taking lessons, my damn--
let's move on.

Yo no voy! Yo no voy!

She said, "I'm not leaving,
I'm not leaving."

Oh, that's what she said?

(screams)

Come on, baby...

What's the matter?
What's wrong?

Baby girl...

Oh, come on, baby...

No, Papa.
No, Papa, no!

What you mean, "No, Papa"?

Hey, you're
scaring her, man.

You got her going
Elian Gonzales on me.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA