Original subtitles

♪♪

Yes, y'all with kids, I want you to hear something.

Listen.

That's right...

(whispers) quiet.

Jealous, ain't you?

(chuckles) Yeah, I know.

My baby, Wanda, she's out shopping with the kids.

I got the whole house to myself.

And that means Nessa ain't walking around rolling her eyes,

and Jordan ain't with that annoying cackle.

Let me tell you something.

I never thought I'd envy the dead.

Don't get me wrong.

I love those kids, but silence is golden.

You want to hear it again?

Listen.

(sighs)

(door opens)

What's that?

Wanda?!

Baby, you back already?

(thud)

Excuse me for a second.

Who is it?!

Wanda?

Nessa?

Hey!

(exhales)

(dog barking in distance)

How's somebody just going to come up in my house?

What... what's wrong with people today?

It's disgusting! Despicable!

You're supposed to rob somebody when they're not at home!

I gave him all the signals I was here.

Lights on! Truck's in the driveway!

I'm talking to myself out loud!

What more do I need to do?

Meet him at the door with a hot toddy?

Man!

I'm standing right here.

I saw the punk right there in here.

I chased him and ran through the hall.

He jumped out the bathroom window.

-If I... -WANDA: Bernie?

Yeah, right here, baby.

-What's going on? -Somebody broke into the house.

-Oh, my God, are you okay? -I'm... I'm fine.

Did he take any of my stuff?

I'm fine. Thank you, Selfish.

I'm sorry, officer,

but my children are just selfish.

These kids today ain't worth two dead flies smashed.

Like I was saying, if I would've caught him,

I'd have kicked his ass.

Well, Mr. Mac, we'll, uh, we'll let you know

as soon as we get any leads.

In the meantime,

everybody keep these doors and windows locked.

Don't make it easy on him.

Thank you, officer.

Thank you.

"Don't make it easy for him."

Easy? I tell you what, America.

I'm going to protect my family by any means necessary.

And if somebody comes back up in here,

it's going to be a dark day for him and his mama.

There's going to be a discrepancy,

a misunderstanding.

I'm talking busting heads.

I'm talking about some slow singing and flower bringing.

Huh, if you all didn't know,

I'm a topologist in whupassology.

Yes, sir. Easy.

Come on... come on in. Help yourself.

Come on. Come on. Pop!

Ooh... come on!

Come on.

WANDA: Bernie?

Yeah?

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

(groans)

(groaning)

I'm trying to figure out

how that guy got up in here.

Did you leave that window in the bathroom open?

I don't remember, baby.

You don't remember?

Baby, what if baby girl was here?

She'd have been killed.

She'd be dead right now.

From now on,

I want all the windows and doors locked.

Okay, baby. Come on, now, just try to relax.

(groans) I'm trying.

-Okay. -Ooh.

Thank God nothing happened to you.

I wouldn't know what I would do.

Thank you, baby.

Mm-hmm. What is it?

Shh. Wait a minute.

You hear something?

Hmm-mm.

You don't hear nothing?

Hmm-mm.

Probably nothing.

(grunts)

Where you going?

I want to check the door in the den. I'm not sure I locked it.

(suspenseful music)

I don't know what's going on with me, America.

Back home, I saw evil-doing and crime all the time,

and I'm not ashamed to say

that Bernie Mac might have been involved

on the other side of it on occasion.

It never made me jumpy before.

This good living is making me soft.

Got to get my edge back.

(suspenseful music)

I'll bust your head...

-(screams) -(screaming)

What you doing? I almost killed you with my bat!

Bernie, what's happening?

Uncle Bernie almost killed me with his bat!

No more bat!

Oh, now-now, baby, baby, listen...

No, no, no!

Did you see that?

I almost clubbed Bryana like a baby seal.

(softly) What's wrong with me, America?

I feel violated.

I can't go on like this.

I don't want you to see me like this.

I got a image to maintain.

Cut the camera off.

(softly) Cut it off.

BERNIE: Gather round, kids. I wanna show you something.

You see this?

This is not a toy.

The next time someone tries to break into our home,

this may save our lives,

provided we use it correctly.

The first one in must use the code,

and our code will be:

1-3-8. Let me hear you say it.

ALL: 1-3-8.

Thank you.

And here's a hint to remind you of the code--

it's the first three numbers of our address.

That's clever.

Thought of that myself.

Let's move on.

The last one out

must shut the door and arm the system.

And how do you arm the system?

You press "B-4,"

as in, "Before I leave, I must arm the system."

If not, police will come,

and you'll be arrested as an accomplice.

That's right. That means you're going to go to jail,

and I will send you to jail.

So remember:

"B-4," and you got 15 seconds to get out.

Let's move on. Now, next is false alarm.

If there's a false alarm, the police will call,

and you've got to give the password.

You've got to.

And the password's going to be "Claudine,"

'cause that's my favorite movie.

I thought your favorite movie was Cooley High.

Yeah, well, Cooley High's my favorite Chicago movie,

Car Wash is my favorite L.A. movie,

and Claudine's my favorite New York movie,

along with Cotton Comes to Harlem.

Let's just say that Claudine's

my favorite Diahann Carroll movie.

Who's Diahann Carroll?

You don't know Dia...?

Diahann Carroll...

Never mind.

I bet those kids feel safer already, 'cause you know what?

I know I do.

I have to admit,

this alarm system thing was a great idea.

I don't know why I didn't get myself one a long time ago.

It's so simple.

Look, I'm getting my edge back.

(exhales deeply)

BERNIE: Come on, y'all, let's go.

Let's go.

All right, all right.

Good, good.

Now, everybody got everything?

Nobody leaving anything?

'Cause I don't want to get outside

for you all to realize you forgot something.

Okay? Come on. Let's go.

JORDAN: I forgot my lunch.

VANESSA: I forgot my book.

I want to go with Vanessa.

Come on. Come on, Jordan! Vanessa, we got to go!

Come on!

Come on, man!

Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Come on, baby girl.

Good.

Hold on.

(alarm blaring)

(alarm stops)

(whistling)

-(alarm blaring) -God!

Hey, Bernie, how's it going?

Good, Carl, how you doing?

How are the kids coming along?

Good, Carl.

-Hey, Bernie. -Yeah?

I rented your Kings of Comedy the other night.

Oh, no kidding.

-You were really funny. -Thank you.

A little filthy for my taste,

but that's what they're doing now, right?

-It's not for everybody, Carl. -Oh, listen, hey.

-(alarm continues blaring) -I got to ask you.

Yeah?

You know, Seedric... Seedric, the Entertainer?

His name's Cedric.

He calls himself an entertainer.

You're all entertainers. I don't know why he does that.

-Yeah. See you, Carl. -Oh, uh...

What's that phrase you use?

(chuckling) "Who's with you now ?"

-It's "Who you with ?" -Who you with?

-Yeah, yeah. -You're sure?

Not "who"...? Well, it's probably funnier.

I got to go, Carl.

Okay. Hey, Bernie.

Your alarm's going off.

I hear it. Don't you hear it?

Yeah. You better get in there.

May be a criminal in there.

I hope not.

If there is, apprehend him.

You need help,

don't come here.

Okay, Carl.

Who's with you?

No, no, who you with?

(car door bell dinging)

(house alarm blaring)

(blaring continues)

(alarm stops)

-Hold it right there. -No, no, no, sir. I live here.

Well, be that as it may, uh, your alarm was activated.

I'm going to need your password.

Um, my password.

Uh...

Oh, Lord!

Um... it's a black movie.

Um... Cooley High.

Car Wash.

Cotton Comes to Harlem.

Lilies of the Field.

Is this your daddy?

-He's our uncle. He stays here. -What?

I stay here?

No, you stay here. I live here.

This is my house!

All right. Have a nice night,

and, uh, learn your password.

Thank you, officer.

What is it?

Mandingo?

It's Claudine.

When the man asked, you should have said something.

Go on with you now. Go on.

(all chuckling)

(indistinct noise)

What was that?

Did y'all hear something?

Nah. That's all right.

This spot is secure.

Seriously, man, did y'all hear something?

That ain't funny.

I paid a lot of doggone money for this system.

I'm supposed to feel secure.

It's starting again.

There it goes again, doggone it.

Oh, Lord!

W.B.: Yo, man

it's getting ugly out there.

Last week a lady got jacked at the gas station.

-Yeah? -You know, in broad daylight.

And dig, they let her fill up the car first,

-then they took it. -Scandalous.

Now that's low down, man.

Hey, it's not safe out there anymore, man.

I haven't been to an ATM in years, man.

Hmm. Well, you ain't got no money, either.

That's cold.

No, I'm serious.

I won't even let my daughter

go to the mall alone, man.

Packs of kids running around, hanging out,

you know, picking fights.

"Where you from, fool?"

You know what I'm sayin'? It's dangerous, man.

One of her girlfriends

almost got pulled into someone's car.

-ALL: What?! -Yeah.

Now my family only goes to the mall together, man.

I mean in a bus, but...

-(laughing) -In a bus... in a bus.

-But y'all are together. -Yeah. Yeah.

Yo, he-he's not kidding, man. It's serious, man.

You know, it's not just about protecting your house, man.

The question is how you going to protect yourself, brother.

You just trying to make me paranoid, ain't ya?

BERNIE: Y'all think we're tight now,

we're even tighter as a family.

Because as of right now,

we're all going to do everything together.

Baby girl,

you got to go to ballet practice,

we're all going with her... together.

Jordan,

if you need wheezin' medicine,

we're all going to get it with him, together.

Nessa, if you want to go to the movie with your friend,

we're all going to go... together.

Now I know it might sound a little extreme,

but that's all right.

But the last thing I want, kids,

is somebody to end up killing you

before I get a chance to.

What if I have to go to the bathroom?

We're all going to go with you.

Together.

We'll just close our eyes... together.

Uncle Bernie, that's really gross.

You keep your lips... together.

I hate him.

Hatin' is fine.

Long as we hate... together.

So, you want to work on our vaults?

Aren't you tired?

Yeah, but I don't want to go home.

My uncle's driving me crazy.

Why don't we go to the mall?

Great.

Hey, baby.

Hi, Shannon.

What y'all getting ready to do?

We're going to the mall.

Hey, kids, we're getting ready to go to the mall.

Shannon invited me.

Come on, now, Nessa, you know the rules.

We do everything together.

You mean that stupid rule that you made up

just because you're scared?

All right, then, Nessa.

You trying to bust me in front of your friend?

I'm going to show you how scared I am.

From now on, you're grounded.

Know what that mean, Nessa?

That mean you stay in the house.

So, when you want to see your friend,

your friend got to come over and see you.

Now, I'm going to tell you something else, Nessa.

Since I'm so scared, we're all punished together.

That's right.

And you know what else?

You got to thank your sister for that.

So why don't we thank her together.

Say, "Thank you, Nessa."

BOTH: Thank you, Nessa.

That's how scared I am.

(growls)

Come on!

(Bryana crying)

(gasps) Oh, my God.

Bryana, what happened?

(door closes)

Aunt Wanda,

you've got to help us.

What is going on?

Bryana, are you hurt?

No, I was just pretending.

Look, Uncle Bernie is ruining our lives.

He punished us all,

and we can't even leave the house.

And the only way we can see our friends

-is if they come over here. -Here!

Your Uncle Bernie was a little shaken up by the break-in.

He just needs some time to deal with it.

What's the big deal?

They used to break in our house every week in Chicago.

One time it was my mama's friend

what she said was our uncle.

Well...

Can't you get a divorce?

If you leave him now, you can get half.

The car, maybe even the house.

Mm-hmm.

You know, kids...

he really does care about you.

And this won't last for long.

But...

in the meantime, if he says have friends over...

have friends over.

Hmm...

(knocking)

Okay. What's up, you squares?

How you doing?

♪ Why, because of the color of their skin ♪

♪ Run, run, run, but you sho' can't hide ♪

(clattering)

♪ An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth ♪

♪ Vote for me and I'll set you free ♪

(kids yelling)

♪ Rap on ♪

♪ Well, the only person talkin' ♪

♪ 'Bout love thy brother is the preacher ♪

♪ And it seems nobody's interested in learning ♪

Ah! Get out of there.

♪ Segregation, determination, demonstration ♪

(growls)

(kids laughing)

♪ Ball Of Confusion ♪

♪ That's what the world is today ♪

♪ The sale of pills is at an all time high ♪

♪ Young folks walkin' 'round with their heads in the sky ♪

♪ Cities aflame in the summer time ♪

♪ And oh the beat goes on ♪

(laughing)

♪ Evolution, revolution, gun control ♪

♪ The sound of soul ♪

♪ Shootin' rockets to the moon ♪

♪ Kids growin' up too soon ♪

♪ Politicians say more taxes ♪

Hey! Hey...!

You think it's funny, huh?

Now, get the hell out of here.

Get the hell out of my house!

Everybody, out! Out!

Oh, no, sir.

Right here, right here. Nope, nope.

You stay here.

Out!

♪ Where the world's headed nobody knows ♪

VANESSA: Man, why don't you just lock us

in our room until we're 21.

JORDAN: Yeah!

That's the best thing I've heard all doggone day.

I haven't seen daylight in two days.

You want to see some sun, Nessa?

Go in the kitchen, and look up at the skylight.

Oh, you didn't know we had a skylight? You know why?

'Cause you ain't never had your butt at home!

I want to go outside and dig for bugs!

You know what, I tried to look out for you kids!

Y'all don't appreciate nothin'!

-What?! -How can you say that?

(all yelling)

...next, you're going to wake up dead...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

MAN (on TV): ...and two more people

are being led out of the house now.

We believe the situation has been stabilized

although it is unclear...

Come here, baby.

...whether the gas has been shut off.

Wait a minute...

Can you tell me his condition?

It is stable?

This is a miracle.

It looks tonight, everyone, as if no one

has been seriously hurt.

To recap, for those of you who have just tuned in,

it appears that a gas pipe has burst

at this home in Pomona.

And we believe at this time everyone's gotten out safely.

It really is... wait a minute.

Wait... I'm just getting word

that there is one more person inside of that house.

They're bringing them out now.

It appears to be a little girl.

What's that? She's not moving?

I don't think the little girl has made it.

It does look as if the little girl has died

from this gas leak tonight.

This is an unexpected turn of events.

Triumph turning into tragedy before our very eyes.

The ambulance now leaving the scene.

There's not much more I can say.

Reporting live from Pomona, I'm John Charles.

BERNIE: You know something, America?

You try to protect your family the best you can,

but in the end,

there's not really much you can do.

'Cause, see, gas pipes burst.

People rob houses.

Planes fly into buildings.

So, what you gonna do?

You gonna live in fear?

You got to live your life.

Have fun. Be yourself.

Make mistakes.

See, Bernie Mac may have overreacted,

but one thing he did get right: it's important to be together.

See, I told you once before, America,

we're family. You and I, we are family.

Always and forever.

Y'all take care.

I got to ask you a personal question.

-What's that, Carl? -(alarm blares continuously)

I need a cap here. Where do you get your caps?

-Who's your dentist? -It's Dr. Beeder.

They're not caps, Carl. These are my real teeth.

If those are not caps, if those are real,

that's the best teeth in the history of the world.

Thank you, Carl.

You and Julie Andrews, number one and two

in the world of smiling.

-Thank you. -You're number one.

Who's with you?

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

No, no. Who you with?