Original subtitles

(muttering)

...around something, baby.

I go this way, I got something else going.

Oh, hey, America. How you doing?

I'm just very put out at the moment.

America, Bernie Mac is vexed.

Listen, I walked in the kitchen,

and I see trash that's overrunning.

Smell nasty! Funky, foul.

So, I asked Vanessa

why she didn't take the trash out, like I told her.

She had the audacity to look me in the eye

and boldface lie, I tell you.

Said I never told her, when I know good and well I did.

That's pathological.

That's why I banished her to her room just now.

(cackling)

What you laughing at?

You told me to take out the trash!

Well, why you didn't do it, then?

Uh-oh.

I could have sworn I gave Vanessa that chore.

The kids got me all discombobulated.

So, I guess I punished the poor girl for nothing.

Well, I'm sure she'll do something later on.

So, what was I getting ready to do, America?

What was I...?

Oh, yeah. 'Scuse me one minute.

(yelling) Come here, boy!

(cartoonish music playing)

Baby girl, you seen my keys?

Uh-uh.

You sure?

Uncle Bernie, pull my finger.

What?

Uncle Bernie, hurry. Pull my finger.

Well, don't you see I'm busy?

I'll pull it.

Ain't nobody pulling nothing!

Uncle Bernie, hurry.

I can't hold it much longer.

Pull my finger.

Boy, you better not pass no gas up in here.

Go in the bathroom, like you got some doggone sense.

(giggles)

Too late.

You stinkin'..

Oh, oh, 'Ness!

Bryana!

Oh-aw!

Jordan.

Thank you, Wanda.

Jordan!

You know, you know better than that.

What was I looking for?

Y'all see what these kids doing to me.

I can't think no more.

They make my brain hot.

It's like I got a George Foreman grill in my head,

and I got to drain the grease.

If they keep it up, I'm going to lose my mind.

(weeping) And I know they gonna keep it up.

You know it, too.

All right. Car seat, backpack, jacket.

I think we got everything.

No, no, no, you don't.

You ain't bringing that drippy mess in my car.

But I'm not finished.

-Throw it away. -I don't want to.

-Throw it away. -But I don't want to.

Jordan!

Uncle Bernie!

Uncle Bernie!

(tires screech)

Oh, Lord.

Hey, Wanda?

Hmm?

I think something's wrong with me.

I can't remember nothin'. I'm losing my memory.

Don't worry, baby.

It happens to everyone once in a while.

Yeah.

But I ain't talking every once in a while.

It keeps up, Baby Girl going to be on a milk carton.

Hey, Wanda?

Hmm?

You think I got a brain tumor

or a memory cancer?

Maybe you should just write things down.

Yeah.

She's right.

I just need a little help on keeping things straight.

I'm not going to let the little devils kill

my brain cells, oh, no.

See, that's where technology come in.

Look. Check it out.

It got a to-do list, an address book,

and a section where I can write my little reminder notes

like "Kill Jordan" and "Kill Vanessa,"

"Tell baby girl her brother and sister ran away."

I need to get that down.

Where did I put that little pen thingie at?

I just had it.

Don't see it.

I cannot believe...

I had the thing right around here.

(sighs)

Man, this is... Aw!

Oh, my knee.

Lord...

Oh, Lord!

(Wanda humming)

Bernie, it looks like a drugstore in here.

Are you okay?

Uh, couple or few nagging little things bothering me, baby.

It's those doggone kids, man.

They wearing me down like a virus.

But you better believe, I'm fighting back.

With the miracle of modern medicine, I'm fighting back.

Bernie, I don't use hair dye.

It's mine, baby.

But you've been getting gray hair since you were 20.

On my head.

Oh...

Well, as long as everything still works,

I wouldn't worry about it.

(loud smack)

(groans)

VANESSA: Uncle Bernie?

We've decided that we don't want fish tonight.

What you mean, you decided?

Well, we took a vote, and we want Royal Burger.

What you mean, you took a vote?

Royal Burger! Royal Burger!

ALL: Royal Burger! Royal Burger!

Her, hey, hey, hey, hey. Ain't no Royal Burger nothing.

Royal nothing. We're making fish.

Royal Burgers have fish.

-♪ It's got fish ♪ -Royal Burger...

-♪ It's got fun ♪ -Royal Burger...

♪ It's got everything under the... ♪

Look, look, look. Shut up!

I can see what they're doing, but they can't break me down.

I'm fully medicated.

-♪ It's got... ♪ -Stop bouncing

Baby girl, stop it.

But you promised you'd make us Royal Burger.

You promised. You lied.

Who you calling a liar, Jordan?

Liar, liar, liar!

Jordan, Jordan, you calling me...?

You calling me a liar?

You calling me a liar? Huh?

Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar...!

Would you quit moving like that?

Liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar, liar!

Liar, liar, liar liar, liar, liar!

Royal Burger, Royal Burger, Royal Burger...!

VANESSA: Uncle Bernie?

JORDON: Is he okay?

Are you all right?

Ow!

Well, your heart is fine.

You just had an attack of acute acid reflux--

painful, but far from fatal.

Doc, is that like heartburn?

Yes.

See, as we get older, fatty foods and alcohol,

overeating can really take a toll.

So, you're saying I ended up in the E.R. because I ate too much?

Well, that could be a cause,

but sometimes it's just stress.

Do you have any new sources of stress in your life?

Look, the fact is, Mr. Mac, you're getting older.

And as much as we'd all like to

you can't stop the aging process.

You just can't stop it.

I'm talking about the aging process.

It didn't even start until these kids came around.

I'll tell you one thing, America:

I'm not going to let it send me to my grave

before my time, no, sir,

because Mac man's going to fight back.

I'm going to change my way of life.

Get back to my old self.

Like I was back in the day.

Maximum Mac, baby.

(R & B music plays)

(volume increases)

Hey, can you turn down your oldies?

I'm trying to do my homework.

What?

I'm listening to my music.

I don't say nothing to you, 'Nessa, when you listen

to that crap you call music.

-Yes, you do. -Well, it's my house.

You want some privacy, why don't you go to the library

or one of your friends' home?

You got a lot of nerve, man.

Talking about, you listen to Mary J. Blige,

uh, uh, those Street Boys and all that bull.

Talking about oldies?

♪ You got to fight the power that be ♪

Music.

♪ Got so many forces ♪

♪ Stayin' on the scene, yeah ♪

♪ Givin' up all around me ♪

♪ Faces full of pain ♪

♪ You got to fight the power that be ♪

♪ Got it baby ♪

♪ Woo ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Even you and I can ♪

♪ Fight the power ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Fight it ♪

♪ Fight the power ♪

She had the nerve to call my music oldies, man.

The Isley Brothers ain't oldies, man.

Isley Brothers's goodies.

Bernie--

when's the last time you seen Ronald Isley?

That brother's about 97 years old, man.

BERNIE: Come on, man, come on.

Okay, okay, okay. He's old.

That don't make us old for listening to him now, Kelly?

Come on, now, ain't none of us old, right?

Uh, uh, fellows, looky here.

-That's a good hand. -Read them and weep.

Come on, man, come on, man, come on.

That's it for me, man. I'm done.

Come on, Chuy, you done, man?

Chuy, what you be talking about?

It's early, it's only 10:30.

Yo, I got to get going too, man.

Why do you gotta get going?

Man, look here-- we used to play all night long, man.

Come on, man, we ain't never left like this.

What's the problem now?

-We got kids, now, man. -I know, see.

See, you ain't got no kids.

Yeah, I'm just old, man.

He ain't lying about that.

Come on, Kelly, we ain't old.

Ain't none of us old, man.

Come on, play one more.

Chuy, come on.

Bam!

( laughs)

Yo, you win, dog.

Look, I got to go crash, man.

Come on, what you mean, you going to crash, big fella?

Come on, you never did me like this.

Oh, man, it's 3:00 a.m.

If I don't get no sleep soon,

I'm going to pay for it in the morning.

Okay, okay, fine, fine. Go.

And take your lightweight with you-- go on.

Oh, man, come on now, man...

You ain't never did this to me, man.

Let's go.

(mocking friends) "Oh, it's 3:00 a.m.

If I don't get my beauty sleep,

I'm going to pay for it in the morning.

Please-- back in the day, I could stay up all night,

sleep an hour and wake up fresh.

BRYANA (quietly) Uncle Bernie? Uncle Bernie?

(shouting) Uncle Bernie!

Baby girl, please stop hollering, please.

(voice echoing) Uncle Bernie,

are you dying?

If God have mercy on me.

(shouting) Uncle Bernie...

(erotic moaning)

WANDA: That's nice.

BERNIE: Yes, it is.

-I'm sorry. -(beep)

23 seconds.

That's humbling.

What y'all looking at?

Oh, you think I'm some kind of old man?

You think my best days behind me?

(tapping on can)

Maybe they are.

(tapping continues)

Uncle Bernie,

will you play with me?

Not now, baby girl. Not now.

No, look.

What?

"Daddy and me basketball.

Come join the fun."

Baby girl, I don't know. I'm too old.

I don't think I'd be able to do that.

My body's worn out, sweetheart.

I ain't got it like that.

(basketball bouncing)

I know one thing: back in the day

I used to play basketball from sunup to sundown.

Yes, sir.

The only reason I stopped, we didn't have no streetlights.

And I used to rule the court, too.

People used to come see me play

all around.

Come on, let's go, man.

And I'll tell you something else:

That's exactly what you and me gonna do.

And you know what else?

We gonna win it, too.

Yay!

You want me to show you some of my moves?

Come on.

Uncle Bernie will show you.

Little girl, watch me school these guys.

What's up, you squares?

Can I run with y'all?

(laughing)

I guess, man.

Yeah, "come on, old man."

Can an old man do this, huh?

That's cool.

You know what I'm saying.

Don't hurt yourself.

This an old man?

Why do an old man move like that?

Oh... oh!

I'm going to show you what an old man can do.

Look, look, look.

(yells in pain)

Oh...

(groaning)

Uncle Bernie.

Baby girl, don't look.

You did.

(motor humming)

Yeah, it's true, America.

The kids won.

I'm over the hill now.

My time has passed.

And trying to fight it only makes you look foolish,

like Fat Elvis or Little Richard.

♪ Whoo! ♪ I ain't got time for that.

From now on, I got to slow down, act my age.

Now go on, America.

I need to get my rest.

(motor humming)

WANDA: Oh, Bernie, you look miserable.

Isn't there any way I can make you more comfortable?

Oh, Wanda, don't do that!

Don't, don't do that.

There's nothing you can do.

When I sit up... when I sit up, my back hurts.

When I lay down,

my reflux started kicking in.

So why don't you sit in your chair a little?

I can't.

Hemorrhoids.

Well, Nurse Wanda is running out to the store,

but when she gets back,

she'll give you a little sponge bath.

How'd the patient like that?

Oh...

Oh, Wanda! My neck!

(sighs)

Get away from me.

Jordan, Jordan, stop it. Stop it.

You making a mess.

Jordan!

Did y'all hear what I...?

Boy, you just look at this mess you made.

I'm gonna whup his ass.

I'm not kidding.

Jordan!

Look at this.

I'm gonna whup his ass.

I ain't...

Jordan! Jordan!

He think I'm playing.

He think I am playing around here.

I'm not playing...

Boy, I tell you, I whup your ass, I'm...

(crashing)

Who in the heck am I kidding?

I couldn't whup his ass if my life depended on it.

I'm too old to be running around after kids.

I might really hurt myself.

From now on, Bernie Mac's retired.

Now... I got time to catch up on my reading.

(TV playing)

(Aretha Franklin singing "Think")

♪ You better think ♪

♪ Think ♪

♪ Think about what you're trying to do to me ♪

♪ Think ♪

♪ Think, think ♪

♪ Let your mind go, let yourself be free ♪

♪ Let's go back, let's go back ♪

♪ Let's go way on back when ♪

♪ I didn't even know you ♪

♪ You couldn't have been too much more than ten ♪

♪ Just a child ♪

♪ I ain't no psychiatrist ♪

Hey!

Hey!

Here.

Thank you, sweetheart. Appreciate it.

♪ Think about what you're trying to do to me ♪

(snoring)

♪ Let your mind go, let yourself be free ♪

♪ Oh, freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

♪ Oh, freedom ♪

♪ Yeah, freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What you doing?

You were asleep.

I wasn't asleep. I was resting my eyes.

Turn it back.

Whatever.

(motor humming)

♪ You better think ♪

♪ Think ♪

♪ Think about what you're trying to do to me ♪

♪ Think ♪

♪ Let your mind go, let yourself be free ♪

♪ People walking around everyday ♪

♪ Playing games, taking score ♪

♪ Trying to make other people lose their minds ♪

♪ Ah, be careful you don't lose yours, oh ♪

WANDA: Bernie, get out of bed.

For what, Wanda?

I'm tired...

I ain't in no shape.

Baby, I been trying to get up all day...

Bryana's basketball game.

I can't play no basketball.

Wanda, I'm tired.

My back hurts and everything.

I ain't going to be able to do that.

WANDA: Oh, you don't have to play.

I got W.B. to fill in.

I knew you wouldn't be able to.

What?

You obviously aren't feeling up to it.

Do you think you're strong enough to go down and watch?

Strong enough?

Well, after the other night...

The other night?

Why she got to bring that up?

That's a sensitive subject, America.

Now she got W.B. taking my spot.

That's ridiculous.

I mean, ludicrous, absurd.

I'm still here.

I may be a lot of things, but I ain't dead yet.

And even if it kills me, I'm not gonna be replaced.

No, sir.

There ain't no substitute for Bernie Mac.

(whistle blows)

BERNIE: Substitute, Ref!

Uncle Bernie!

Yo, man, what are you doing here?

Hey, man, thanks for holding it down, man.

But I had to do it for baby girl.

Aw, man, that's all good, dog.

Yo, and I'm glad to see Bernie Mac is back.

Oh, I'm back.

-And dig. -What's that?

Little girl, she goes to her left.

How many daddies do you have?

♪♪

Baby girl, you ain't seen nothing yet.

I'ma tell you right no--

(whistle blows)

That's the last time that's going to happen.

Yeah, what's up? What's up?

Baby girl, catch this.

(whistle blows)

Here.

Go, baby.

♪♪

Come on. Come on, baby girl.

Come on, baby girl...

Yeah!

Rejected!

(whistle blows)

Violation.

What you talking about?

Sir, you cannot block her shot like that.

Baby, I'm trying to win the game, man.

That's how we did back in the day. Come on!

Sir, this is not a competitive event.

At Wellington, all the kids are winners.

I bet you their team don't win. I guarantee it.

My team gonna win.

I'm going to have to ask you just to calm down.

Calm down? What you mean calm down?

What you gonna do if I don't?

You gonna give me a technical?

Sir, again, this is a kids' game.

There are no technicals.

Then I ain't got to calm down.

It's basketball. This ain't field hockey!

(whistle blows)

Technical!

Come on, what you mean!

Only reason you called it 'cause I'm black.

Only reason. That's some bull!

♪♪

Hey, baby...

I'm back!

(growls)

(crowd cheers)

(whistle blows)

You know what?

That felt real good.

I mean, I landed on my head and all,

but you know, the thrill of victory

worth a couple of more weeks in this here scooter.

See, everyone gets old, whether you got kids or not.

But I mean, well, so what?

The truth is, I like being old.

I like my music. I like my movies,

and I truly like who the heck I am.

And I'm not just getting better with age.

I mean, like fine wine.

No matter how old I get, I'll still be the Mac man.

(footsteps thudding)

Honey, can you help me?

Yeah.

I think I found a gray hair.

Bend down and let me see it, baby.

Not on my head.

Drop it like it's hot.

Ooh...

Here's your ride home.

"Drop it like it's hot." Hmm nothing.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

(snoring)

(snoring continues)