All language subtitles for The.Bernie.Mac.Show.S01E13.Handle.Your.Business.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_[eng]

♪♪

America,
I'm paying the price.

I mean, paying the price
for being Bernie Mac.

Paying the price
for telling the truth.

Speaking my mind.

I don't want to hurt
anybody's feelings,

but sometimes people take
my words the wrong way.

They make a big deal
out of nothing.

You don't think so?
You watch this.

You've been
briefed, baby.

Let me tell you
something, Clyde.

I'm listening.

I love my wife

but if something
happened to her, man,

I'm telling you, America,
I'll never get married again.

Oh, come on.

You can't say that.

You didn't answer
the question.

You know what?

I ain't making love
to no woman but my wife.

Okay, wait a minute.

-You're a movie star.
-Okay.

You must have worked
with beautiful women.

Okay. True dat,
but I'm a professional.

When I'm on the set,
it's all about work.

Okay, okay, we got all that.

But if you had a free pass,
who would you sleep with?

-There you go.
-Don't ask nothing personal.

-Who would
you sleep with?
-Halle Berry.

-(laughing)
-(electronic boing)

Wasn't it quick?

Halle Berry,
if you're out there!

No, I'm saying if something
were to happen to my wife.

Like, say,
for instance, she dead.

Okay?

Okay, when she laying
in the coffin,

she laying up in there...
Mmm... the music,

singing and everything.

I would invite Halle Berry
to sit right next to me.

Ooh!

Okay, we go to the funeral.
You know, I supposed to be sad.

I'll look weak. You know,
go through all the burial, man.

Throw that first dirt on her.

You know, I might get
some sympathy sex from her.

Oh! Taking Halle to the grave!

I will play it
to the end.

Know what I'm saying, man?

Hey, he had a point, though.

Oh, my wife is all right,
but Halle's better, baby.

Ha-ha-ha!

Bernie Mac's here
all week, everybody.

We'll be
right back.

See? I was just entertaining
the people on the morning drive,

doing what I do best.

Now, I ask you: who could
possibly be upset by that?

Bernie, do you know
how embarrassed I was?

Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry.

I swear
I didn't mean nothing by it.

How do you think
it makes me look?

The Richters are my friends.

You stood us up.

We waited for you
for 45 minutes.

The Richters?

Ooh...!

Oh, my God. Baby...

I was supposed
to have drinks
with y'all today.

I'm sorry, baby.

I'll reschedule.
I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

Thank you.

(sighing)

I feel so much better.

I thought you
was upset about
something else.

What else would I
be upset with you about?

Let's move on, baby.

Bernie?

Well... you know
I did a radio show
this morning, right?

America,

I learned my lesson.

From now on, I'm not saying
a doggone word.

I'm keeping my big mouth shut.

You said that on the air?!

They're just
jokes, baby.

It's not funny.

Oh, come on, Wanda.

You just uptight
about the Richters.

Oh, no, Bernie.

I was annoyed
about the Richters.

I am livid about this.

Livid?
That's two degrees past pissed.

Thank you.

Mm-mmm!

This is delicious.

Kids, I want you

to tell your Aunt Wanda
how good dinner is.

-The fish is bony.
-Shut up.

The best fish
I ever tasted, baby.

Bernie, I know
what you're doing.

You know what I'm doing?

Baby, I just want you to know

how much I appreciate you
in my life.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You appreciate me in your life.

Yeah.

(gagging and coughing)

Ow! I think that was a bone.

I'm sorry.

That was
your Uncle Bernie's piece.

(coughing continues)

Now, the part
about me being dead--

did that come from you
or from them?

Come on, now, Wanda.
It came from me.

And you brought Halle Berry
to my funeral as a date?

You wasn't dead yet.

I mean, it was
just a fantasy.

Just a fantasy.

Yeah.

Oh.

I mean, the woman
is driving me crazy.

America, was I so wrong?

Was I so wrong?

Hell, yeah, you was wrong.

Now, get back in here

so we can finish
this discussion.

Ha-ha! Like Halle Berry
would want you.

You trippin'.

Now, that's cold.

I'm talking about Alaska cold.

Have you ever seen
a black Eskimo?

Hell, no.
Looking like this here?

You know we can't
take no cold.

Women always want
to put you down,

take you down, tell you
Halle Berry don't want me.

If she don't start tightening up
and acting right,

she'll be spending
the rest of her night

all by her doggone self.

She got to put me down,
kill my spirit.

"Halle Berry don't want you."

You'd be surprised who want me.

Uh. Huh.
I still got a little bit left.

I still got a little...

(horn honks)

(grunts softly)

You see, America,
I ain't lying.

She's sleeping alone.

And if she don't calm down,

she going to sleep alone
again tomorrow.

I'm still the master
of this house.

And y'all better recognize.

And I'm going to tell you
something else.

I'm going to do the radio show
again tomorrow.

So, excuse me, America.

I got to get some rest.

It ain't bleeding, is it?

-Jordan, come out
of there.
-No!

You can't stay
in there all day.

How long they been teasing him,
Father?

Ever since you
humiliated the boy

on the radio, Mr. Mac.

(suspenseful ominous
organ music)

You want to know
how I got into this?

My second day on the radio.

(woman laughing)

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!

Bernie Mac,
you know you funny!

Baby, I'm telling you
the truth.

The boy is soft.

He's so soft,
I mean, like ice cream.

Like a kitten head.
His nickname is Pillow.

Well, why can't you
do something
to toughen the boy up?

What you want
me to do, Clyde?

I hit the boy for nothing.

I throw him down.

It don't do no good.

Hit him in the face, you know.

I took him to the batting cage,
right?

I held him, let the ball hit him
all up in the chest,

you know, did it on purpose.

I'm a switch hitter.

I'm hitting the ball
left and right.

He's sitting up there.

He's looking through the fence,
crying, wheezing.

He looking
through the gate,
you know, wheezing.

(imitates wheezing)

MAN:
So, what
he looking at?

There's a pottery shop
across the street.

-He want to go.
-(wheezing)

I said, "No, you can't go.

I'm going to show you
how to bat."

Wife over looking at me,

thinking I'm abusing him,
you know what I mean?

I take the punk
across the street.

MAN:
You took him there?

I think the punk going
to browse, and everything.

You know, he inside.

I'm waiting outside, you know,
waiting and waiting.

He come out, man,
two hours later.

Guess what he done did?

BOTH: What he do?

He made us some cups.

(woman laughing)

MAN:
He made you
some pottery cups?

Nice cups.

Designed. Got all
our names on them.

-Oh!
-Lord.

Hey, Jordan, you
want to come to
my house and play?

Sure.

Good, 'cause my sister's
having a tea party.

You can make the cups.

Aw, don't pout, Kitten Head.

(laughing)

(groaning)

They've been pretty hard
on him, huh?

I don't know the
specifics, Mr. Mac,

but when those kids
get to teasing,

they could reopen
the wounds of Jesus.

(clearing throat)

Jordan...

Listen, son,
I didn't mean anything.

I'm a comedian, and sometime
I put 100 on ten.

And that mean
I make little things big.

It's make-believe, son.

That's what show business
is all about.

You said I was soft.

(snickering)

Y'all believe that, huh?

Y'all think he's soft?

Well, how many of y'all think

y'all could beat
Jordan up?

Every last one of you, huh?

All right, well,
how many of you all think

y'all could beat me up?

I do hope
there's a point

to this line of
questioning, Mr. Mac.

As doubting Thomas said,
"Show me the stigmata."

Let me handle this,
Father.

Let me tell you all something
right now.

That boy's not soft.

He's bold, he's fearless.

Let me tell you all
a story.

I had a deep-dish
apple pie.

I went to the refrigerator.

Apple pie gone.

I mean, pie nowhere.

Nobody's in the house
but me and Jordan.

There's Jordan sitting
at the end of the table

with a face full of crumbs.

I asked him
what happened to my pie.

He say
he surprised a food burglar.

I said, "What?!"

I knew it was a lie.

I just wanted to hear it again.

He said, "I surprised
a food burglar, Uncle
Bernie-- hee-hee."

Hee-hee, nothing.

Let me tell you something.

You can't be soft and tell
a bold-faced lie like that.

You got to be bold

to be that doggone stupid.

So, let me ask you all
another question.

Which one of you all think

y'all bold enough
to eat my apple pie?

Say it.

Say it out. Go ahead.

I didn't think so.

So, I guess this boy
ain't soft after all.

And let me tell
you all something.

I got a million stories
like that I could tell you.

That boy ain't soft.

He's my comic inspiration.

Tell them about the time
I put your car in gear

and let it roll
down the driveway.

Oh, that's a good one.

That was you?

(classmates apologizing)

Is everything
okay with Jordan?

Everything is fine, baby.

Bernie Mac
saved the day once again.

Might as well
give your man some hug.

Why don't you
let Halle hug you?

Why don't you stop doing that?

All right.

Why don't you pick somebody?

That's the only way
you'll feel better.

Go on, pick somebody.

No, it's stupid.

No, it's stupid
for you to keep
talking about Halle.

Go on, pick somebody.
Who it going to be?

Denzel, Wesley,
Chestnut, Tyree?

Go on, pick
somebody,

'cause it ain't
going to bother me
like it bothers you.

-It bothers you.
-You not letting it go?

No, you not letting it go.

All right, fine,
I guess I pick Roland.

See? Came right
out your mouth.

See, Roland...

Howard Rollins, used to
play on Soldier's Story?

He dead.

I mean Roland, my mechanic.

Your mechanic?

He ain't no celebrity.

So?

So, you're supposed
to pick a celebrity.

Like Halle Berry.
I don't know her.

You know him.

You see this cat
every time you go
get a oil change.

-I don't know him.
-Yes, you do.

You saw him
when we dropped my car off.

Roland.

Roland. Which one
was Roland?

♪ What a man, what a man,
what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Gotta say it again now ♪

♪ What a man, what a man,
what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ He's a mighty mighty
good man ♪

♪ What a man, what a man,
what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Yes he is ♪

♪ What a man, what a man,
what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Yes he is ♪

♪ What a man ♪

Him?!

Oh, Wanda, come on, now.

You know what, Bernie?

I do feel better.

(roaring loudly)
(screaming)

BERNIE:
What's wrong with you?

You almost gave Aunt Wanda
a heart attack.

That's funny,
right, Uncle Bernie?

Yeah, you can use that
in your act.

I'm going to go think
of some more funny stuff.

Hey, hey, you're gliding
with Clyde and Shirl

here on Bernie Mac Week.

So, Bernie, how did
the kids come to
live with you?

Don't mention those
doggone kids to me, man.

Every time I think about them,
I want to kill 'em.

CLYDE:
Oh, come on.
Can't be that bad.

It is that doggone bad,
Clyde.

Let me tell you something.

It's a long story, first of all.

See, my sister on drugs.

And I wanted to get the kids
before the state did.

Oh, Bernie.

Oh, there
you go again.

That's good.
The man doing
the right thing.

I tried to help my sister
time and time and time again.

She don't want no doggone help.

I put her in rehab.
Know what she told me?

What she say?

The last time
I tried...

She ain't going there.
That's for quitters.

She going
to keep smoking it
till she get it right.

Hi.

Excuse me.
Aren't you Vanessa?

Yeah.

Is your uncle
a comedian?

Yes, he is.

Oh, my gosh.

I heard him on the radio
this morning.

You know, he is
really funny.

I think
that it is so cool

how you and your brother
and sister

survived your mom's crisis.

Your life is really
interesting.

Hey, baby.

Hey, whatever happened
to that old fat guy

used to work
on your car?

I don't drive
a Camry anymore.

You will starting Monday.

Let it go.

I ain't letting
go of nothing.

Hold on.

She's walking in
the door as we speak.

I'll call you back.
Where you been, Nessa?

At school.

You wasn't at school
when I came to pick you up.

Maybe 'cause I didn't
want to ride with you
and your big mouth.

What did you
say to me?

You don't need to be
telling my mother's
business to everybody.

If you got a problem,
you come and talk to me,

so we can try to work it out.

I'm not trying
to be in your act.

I'm sick of you closing doors
up in my house.

I'm sick of you
talking about my mother.

Who do you think you are?

Who do I think I am?

I'm the guy that got you
and your brothers and sisters

up in here in my house.

I'm the man who puts
clothes on your back

and food in your belly.

That's the man
who I think I am.

You know, you're right.

What?

You're absolutely right.

It's not that big a deal,
and I overreacted.

You have the right to say
whatever you want to say.

Okay, it's squashed, right?
Everything seems cool.

But didn't it come
a little quick?

I know I did right.
Now keep watching.

This is what happened
the next day.

You're on The Morning Glide

with Clyde, Shirl,
and Bernie Mac.

Shirl in the house.

You're looking good, baby.

We've got
another caller.

Hi, Uncle Bernie.

BERNIE:
Who's that? Nessa?

You're a big fake.

CLYDE:
Oh.

Look, look, here, Nessa...

-Oh!
-Come on.

Anybody ain't got no time
for this bull now.

Ooh, this could be hot.

Go ahead, Nessa.

You're always talking about

keeping it real
and telling the truth,

but you don't keep it real.

Clyde, why don't you take
another call?

We ain't got time
for that foolishness.

Not now, Bernie.
Uh, go ahead, Nessa. Elaborate.

He's always smoking
these Cuban cigars.

Isn't that illegal?

Last time I checked.

Unless his last name's Castro.

Let me tell you something,
you little stool pigeon.

How come you
ain't in school?

No. You know what?
It gotta be a gift.

You know how
the people give you a lot...

CLYDE:
Uh-huh.

But he's the only one
that smokes the good cigars.

His friends just think
they smoke Cubans.

He puts Cuban labels
on the cheap ones
he gives them.

That-that's not true.

That's not true.

See, see, see, Chuy--
he only smoke a little bit.

I tell him,
"These cigars cost $20 a stick.

You just don't keep wasting them
like that."

Clyde, what would you do?

You're right. You know?

You gotta smoke it
all the way up.

You know what I mean?

What else you got there, Nessa?

Have you ever noticed

how he's always calling himself
"Bernie Mac"?

"Bernie Mac's so great,
Bernie Mac's so smart."

Bernie Mac just likes
to say "Bernie Mac."

You know, I did notice that.

No, Bernie Mac ain't amused.

First of all, I ain't
that kind of vain.

I'm not that vain
of-of a person.

Plus he's been nice to you guys
all week,

but you don't hear
what he says about you

when he comes home.

Oh, and what
does he say?

Let's move on
with this here. This...

Go ahead.
Go ahead, Nessa.

Well, he says that that lady
is lucky she works in radio.

(dial tone)

I, I-I...
Let's take another caller.

CLYDE:
Do that.
Let's do that.

Let's do that.
All right, all right.

Yeah, let's take
another caller.

Let's see here
what we got here.

We got Chuy on line three.
What's up, Chuy?

You on with Bernie Mac.

Chuy?

Chuy, we need you
to speak right now.

Look, I ain't never tried
to hurt...

I never said nothing
about your mama.

Now my man Chuy
won't even talk to me,

and I lost
my Cuban connection,

and I still got
to go in tomorrow.

I'm tired of this.

It ends today.

Hey, listen.

I want to talk to all
of you all.

Where's your brother?

Here I am.

I'm Backwards Man.

(laughs)

Isn't that stupid?

You can use that in your act
tomorrow on the radio.

Jordan, come over here
and sit down.

I'm not using nothing
in no act.

You're not going to be here,

so you might as well stop
your antics.

Now zip your pants up.
I can see your ass.

Now, look...

I know you all were very upset
with me this week

because of some of the things
I went on the radio and I said,

and I want you all to know
that I'm deeply sorry.

But you all
need to understand,

I went on the radio
with great intentions.

I went on the radio
to make people laugh,

'cause that's what I do.

I'm a comedian.

And the last thing

I want to do is hurt the people
I love the most.

But you all got
to let me be me.

I just happen to know
how to make fun of my problems.

And to Nessa...

I want to say I'm sorry.

I said some things
about your mother,

and I know
that it hurt you deeply,

but what you got to understand,
sweetheart,

that's my sister,
and I love her, too,

and we just deal with our pain
differently.

And no matter
what the outcome is,

I love you guys,

despite what I might say.

We cool?

All right, go in your room.

Uncle Bernie?

Yeah, baby girl.

You didn't say anything bad
about me on the radio.

(laughs)

Baby girl, go in your room.

(sniffling)

I heard everything
that you said.

That was very sweet.

I'm fine if
you're fine.

Well, I feel much better now.

I'd feel even better

if you dropped it
like it was hot.

Drop it
with me, baby.

Ooh.

Ooh.

(laughs)

I won't mention
Halle Berry

if you don't
mention Roland.

Roland?
I was just kidding you.

Mm-hmm.

I love you, Wanda.

I love you,
too, baby.

Come on.

Oh, Wanda, Wanda.

Bernie, it's time.

Yeah, I know you right.

I just can't believe
she gone, baby.

What am I gonna do, Lord?

Bernie, she was cute,

but you got to
get over this.

Come on.
You think I won't?

What time my flight, baby?

Now.

What, what?

Taking Halle
to my funeral.

Baby, you dreaming
about Halle?

Not anymore.
I'm up.

I was, too.

You're in trouble.

Cute toes, though.

Yeah, she don't cook.

She did have
some cute toes.

-What's wrong
with that one?
-That one broke.

-Okay, (bleep) y'all.
-(all laughing)

I don't know why
you married her
in the first place.

I'll tell you
why he married me.

'Cause I'm (bleep).

-Get your ass out.
-Oh, I'll get my ass out.

Don't make me take
my shoes off.

Help me.

Oh, Lord!

Captioned by VISUAL DATA