Original subtitles

♪♪

America, I'm paying the price.

I mean, paying the price for being Bernie Mac.

Paying the price for telling the truth.

Speaking my mind.

I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings,

but sometimes people take my words the wrong way.

They make a big deal out of nothing.

You don't think so? You watch this.

You've been briefed, baby.

Let me tell you something, Clyde.

I'm listening.

I love my wife

but if something happened to her, man,

I'm telling you, America, I'll never get married again.

Oh, come on.

You can't say that.

You didn't answer the question.

You know what?

I ain't making love to no woman but my wife.

Okay, wait a minute.

-You're a movie star. -Okay.

You must have worked with beautiful women.

Okay. True dat, but I'm a professional.

When I'm on the set, it's all about work.

Okay, okay, we got all that.

But if you had a free pass, who would you sleep with?

-There you go. -Don't ask nothing personal.

-Who would you sleep with? -Halle Berry.

-(laughing) -(electronic boing)

Wasn't it quick?

Halle Berry, if you're out there!

No, I'm saying if something were to happen to my wife.

Like, say, for instance, she dead.

Okay?

Okay, when she laying in the coffin,

she laying up in there... Mmm... the music,

singing and everything.

I would invite Halle Berry to sit right next to me.

Ooh!

Okay, we go to the funeral. You know, I supposed to be sad.

I'll look weak. You know, go through all the burial, man.

Throw that first dirt on her.

You know, I might get some sympathy sex from her.

Oh! Taking Halle to the grave!

I will play it to the end.

Know what I'm saying, man?

Hey, he had a point, though.

Oh, my wife is all right, but Halle's better, baby.

Ha-ha-ha!

Bernie Mac's here all week, everybody.

We'll be right back.

See? I was just entertaining the people on the morning drive,

doing what I do best.

Now, I ask you: who could possibly be upset by that?

Bernie, do you know how embarrassed I was?

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry.

I swear I didn't mean nothing by it.

How do you think it makes me look?

The Richters are my friends.

You stood us up.

We waited for you for 45 minutes.

The Richters?

Ooh...!

Oh, my God. Baby...

I was supposed to have drinks with y'all today.

I'm sorry, baby.

I'll reschedule. I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

Thank you.

(sighing)

I feel so much better.

I thought you was upset about something else.

What else would I be upset with you about?

Let's move on, baby.

Bernie?

Well... you know I did a radio show this morning, right?

America,

I learned my lesson.

From now on, I'm not saying a doggone word.

I'm keeping my big mouth shut.

You said that on the air?!

They're just jokes, baby.

It's not funny.

Oh, come on, Wanda.

You just uptight about the Richters.

Oh, no, Bernie.

I was annoyed about the Richters.

I am livid about this.

Livid? That's two degrees past pissed.

Thank you.

Mm-mmm!

This is delicious.

Kids, I want you

to tell your Aunt Wanda how good dinner is.

-The fish is bony. -Shut up.

The best fish I ever tasted, baby.

Bernie, I know what you're doing.

You know what I'm doing?

Baby, I just want you to know

how much I appreciate you in my life.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You appreciate me in your life.

Yeah.

(gagging and coughing)

Ow! I think that was a bone.

I'm sorry.

That was your Uncle Bernie's piece.

(coughing continues)

Now, the part about me being dead--

did that come from you or from them?

Come on, now, Wanda. It came from me.

And you brought Halle Berry to my funeral as a date?

You wasn't dead yet.

I mean, it was just a fantasy.

Just a fantasy.

Yeah.

Oh.

I mean, the woman is driving me crazy.

America, was I so wrong?

Was I so wrong?

Hell, yeah, you was wrong.

Now, get back in here

so we can finish this discussion.

Ha-ha! Like Halle Berry would want you.

You trippin'.

Now, that's cold.

I'm talking about Alaska cold.

Have you ever seen a black Eskimo?

Hell, no. Looking like this here?

You know we can't take no cold.

Women always want to put you down,

take you down, tell you Halle Berry don't want me.

If she don't start tightening up and acting right,

she'll be spending the rest of her night

all by her doggone self.

She got to put me down, kill my spirit.

"Halle Berry don't want you."

You'd be surprised who want me.

Uh. Huh. I still got a little bit left.

I still got a little...

(horn honks)

(grunts softly)

You see, America, I ain't lying.

She's sleeping alone.

And if she don't calm down,

she going to sleep alone again tomorrow.

I'm still the master of this house.

And y'all better recognize.

And I'm going to tell you something else.

I'm going to do the radio show again tomorrow.

So, excuse me, America.

I got to get some rest.

It ain't bleeding, is it?

-Jordan, come out of there. -No!

You can't stay in there all day.

How long they been teasing him, Father?

Ever since you humiliated the boy

on the radio, Mr. Mac.

(suspenseful ominous organ music)

You want to know how I got into this?

My second day on the radio.

(woman laughing)

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie!

Bernie Mac, you know you funny!

Baby, I'm telling you the truth.

The boy is soft.

He's so soft, I mean, like ice cream.

Like a kitten head. His nickname is Pillow.

Well, why can't you do something to toughen the boy up?

What you want me to do, Clyde?

I hit the boy for nothing.

I throw him down.

It don't do no good.

Hit him in the face, you know.

I took him to the batting cage, right?

I held him, let the ball hit him all up in the chest,

you know, did it on purpose.

I'm a switch hitter.

I'm hitting the ball left and right.

He's sitting up there.

He's looking through the fence, crying, wheezing.

He looking through the gate, you know, wheezing.

(imitates wheezing)

MAN: So, what he looking at?

There's a pottery shop across the street.

-He want to go. -(wheezing)

I said, "No, you can't go.

I'm going to show you how to bat."

Wife over looking at me,

thinking I'm abusing him, you know what I mean?

I take the punk across the street.

MAN: You took him there?

I think the punk going to browse, and everything.

You know, he inside.

I'm waiting outside, you know, waiting and waiting.

He come out, man, two hours later.

Guess what he done did?

BOTH: What he do?

He made us some cups.

(woman laughing)

MAN: He made you some pottery cups?

Nice cups.

Designed. Got all our names on them.

-Oh! -Lord.

Hey, Jordan, you want to come to my house and play?

Sure.

Good, 'cause my sister's having a tea party.

You can make the cups.

Aw, don't pout, Kitten Head.

(laughing)

(groaning)

They've been pretty hard on him, huh?

I don't know the specifics, Mr. Mac,

but when those kids get to teasing,

they could reopen the wounds of Jesus.

(clearing throat)

Jordan...

Listen, son, I didn't mean anything.

I'm a comedian, and sometime I put 100 on ten.

And that mean I make little things big.

It's make-believe, son.

That's what show business is all about.

You said I was soft.

(snickering)

Y'all believe that, huh?

Y'all think he's soft?

Well, how many of y'all think

y'all could beat Jordan up?

Every last one of you, huh?

All right, well, how many of you all think

y'all could beat me up?

I do hope there's a point

to this line of questioning, Mr. Mac.

As doubting Thomas said, "Show me the stigmata."

Let me handle this, Father.

Let me tell you all something right now.

That boy's not soft.

He's bold, he's fearless.

Let me tell you all a story.

I had a deep-dish apple pie.

I went to the refrigerator.

Apple pie gone.

I mean, pie nowhere.

Nobody's in the house but me and Jordan.

There's Jordan sitting at the end of the table

with a face full of crumbs.

I asked him what happened to my pie.

He say he surprised a food burglar.

I said, "What?!"

I knew it was a lie.

I just wanted to hear it again.

He said, "I surprised a food burglar, Uncle Bernie-- hee-hee."

Hee-hee, nothing.

Let me tell you something.

You can't be soft and tell a bold-faced lie like that.

You got to be bold

to be that doggone stupid.

So, let me ask you all another question.

Which one of you all think

y'all bold enough to eat my apple pie?

Say it.

Say it out. Go ahead.

I didn't think so.

So, I guess this boy ain't soft after all.

And let me tell you all something.

I got a million stories like that I could tell you.

That boy ain't soft.

He's my comic inspiration.

Tell them about the time I put your car in gear

and let it roll down the driveway.

Oh, that's a good one.

That was you?

(classmates apologizing)

Is everything okay with Jordan?

Everything is fine, baby.

Bernie Mac saved the day once again.

Might as well give your man some hug.

Why don't you let Halle hug you?

Why don't you stop doing that?

All right.

Why don't you pick somebody?

That's the only way you'll feel better.

Go on, pick somebody.

No, it's stupid.

No, it's stupid for you to keep talking about Halle.

Go on, pick somebody. Who it going to be?

Denzel, Wesley, Chestnut, Tyree?

Go on, pick somebody,

'cause it ain't going to bother me like it bothers you.

-It bothers you. -You not letting it go?

No, you not letting it go.

All right, fine, I guess I pick Roland.

See? Came right out your mouth.

See, Roland...

Howard Rollins, used to play on Soldier's Story?

He dead.

I mean Roland, my mechanic.

Your mechanic?

He ain't no celebrity.

So?

So, you're supposed to pick a celebrity.

Like Halle Berry. I don't know her.

You know him.

You see this cat every time you go get a oil change.

-I don't know him. -Yes, you do.

You saw him when we dropped my car off.

Roland.

Roland. Which one was Roland?

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Gotta say it again now ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ He's a mighty mighty good man ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Yes he is ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man ♪

♪ What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Yes he is ♪

♪ What a man ♪

Him?!

Oh, Wanda, come on, now.

You know what, Bernie?

I do feel better.

(roaring loudly) (screaming)

BERNIE: What's wrong with you?

You almost gave Aunt Wanda a heart attack.

That's funny, right, Uncle Bernie?

Yeah, you can use that in your act.

I'm going to go think of some more funny stuff.

Hey, hey, you're gliding with Clyde and Shirl

here on Bernie Mac Week.

So, Bernie, how did the kids come to live with you?

Don't mention those doggone kids to me, man.

Every time I think about them, I want to kill 'em.

CLYDE: Oh, come on. Can't be that bad.

It is that doggone bad, Clyde.

Let me tell you something.

It's a long story, first of all.

See, my sister on drugs.

And I wanted to get the kids before the state did.

Oh, Bernie.

Oh, there you go again.

That's good. The man doing the right thing.

I tried to help my sister time and time and time again.

She don't want no doggone help.

I put her in rehab. Know what she told me?

What she say?

The last time I tried...

She ain't going there. That's for quitters.

She going to keep smoking it till she get it right.

Hi.

Excuse me. Aren't you Vanessa?

Yeah.

Is your uncle a comedian?

Yes, he is.

Oh, my gosh.

I heard him on the radio this morning.

You know, he is really funny.

I think that it is so cool

how you and your brother and sister

survived your mom's crisis.

Your life is really interesting.

Hey, baby.

Hey, whatever happened to that old fat guy

used to work on your car?

I don't drive a Camry anymore.

You will starting Monday.

Let it go.

I ain't letting go of nothing.

Hold on.

She's walking in the door as we speak.

I'll call you back. Where you been, Nessa?

At school.

You wasn't at school when I came to pick you up.

Maybe 'cause I didn't want to ride with you and your big mouth.

What did you say to me?

You don't need to be telling my mother's business to everybody.

If you got a problem, you come and talk to me,

so we can try to work it out.

I'm not trying to be in your act.

I'm sick of you closing doors up in my house.

I'm sick of you talking about my mother.

Who do you think you are?

Who do I think I am?

I'm the guy that got you and your brothers and sisters

up in here in my house.

I'm the man who puts clothes on your back

and food in your belly.

That's the man who I think I am.

You know, you're right.

What?

You're absolutely right.

It's not that big a deal, and I overreacted.

You have the right to say whatever you want to say.

Okay, it's squashed, right? Everything seems cool.

But didn't it come a little quick?

I know I did right. Now keep watching.

This is what happened the next day.

You're on The Morning Glide

with Clyde, Shirl, and Bernie Mac.

Shirl in the house.

You're looking good, baby.

We've got another caller.

Hi, Uncle Bernie.

BERNIE: Who's that? Nessa?

You're a big fake.

CLYDE: Oh.

Look, look, here, Nessa...

-Oh! -Come on.

Anybody ain't got no time for this bull now.

Ooh, this could be hot.

Go ahead, Nessa.

You're always talking about

keeping it real and telling the truth,

but you don't keep it real.

Clyde, why don't you take another call?

We ain't got time for that foolishness.

Not now, Bernie. Uh, go ahead, Nessa. Elaborate.

He's always smoking these Cuban cigars.

Isn't that illegal?

Last time I checked.

Unless his last name's Castro.

Let me tell you something, you little stool pigeon.

How come you ain't in school?

No. You know what? It gotta be a gift.

You know how the people give you a lot...

CLYDE: Uh-huh.

But he's the only one that smokes the good cigars.

His friends just think they smoke Cubans.

He puts Cuban labels on the cheap ones he gives them.

That-that's not true.

That's not true.

See, see, see, Chuy-- he only smoke a little bit.

I tell him, "These cigars cost $20 a stick.

You just don't keep wasting them like that."

Clyde, what would you do?

You're right. You know?

You gotta smoke it all the way up.

You know what I mean?

What else you got there, Nessa?

Have you ever noticed

how he's always calling himself "Bernie Mac"?

"Bernie Mac's so great, Bernie Mac's so smart."

Bernie Mac just likes to say "Bernie Mac."

You know, I did notice that.

No, Bernie Mac ain't amused.

First of all, I ain't that kind of vain.

I'm not that vain of-of a person.

Plus he's been nice to you guys all week,

but you don't hear what he says about you

when he comes home.

Oh, and what does he say?

Let's move on with this here. This...

Go ahead. Go ahead, Nessa.

Well, he says that that lady is lucky she works in radio.

(dial tone)

I, I-I... Let's take another caller.

CLYDE: Do that. Let's do that.

Let's do that. All right, all right.

Yeah, let's take another caller.

Let's see here what we got here.

We got Chuy on line three. What's up, Chuy?

You on with Bernie Mac.

Chuy?

Chuy, we need you to speak right now.

Look, I ain't never tried to hurt...

I never said nothing about your mama.

Now my man Chuy won't even talk to me,

and I lost my Cuban connection,

and I still got to go in tomorrow.

I'm tired of this.

It ends today.

Hey, listen.

I want to talk to all of you all.

Where's your brother?

Here I am.

I'm Backwards Man.

(laughs)

Isn't that stupid?

You can use that in your act tomorrow on the radio.

Jordan, come over here and sit down.

I'm not using nothing in no act.

You're not going to be here,

so you might as well stop your antics.

Now zip your pants up. I can see your ass.

Now, look...

I know you all were very upset with me this week

because of some of the things I went on the radio and I said,

and I want you all to know that I'm deeply sorry.

But you all need to understand,

I went on the radio with great intentions.

I went on the radio to make people laugh,

'cause that's what I do.

I'm a comedian.

And the last thing

I want to do is hurt the people I love the most.

But you all got to let me be me.

I just happen to know how to make fun of my problems.

And to Nessa...

I want to say I'm sorry.

I said some things about your mother,

and I know that it hurt you deeply,

but what you got to understand, sweetheart,

that's my sister, and I love her, too,

and we just deal with our pain differently.

And no matter what the outcome is,

I love you guys,

despite what I might say.

We cool?

All right, go in your room.

Uncle Bernie?

Yeah, baby girl.

You didn't say anything bad about me on the radio.

(laughs)

Baby girl, go in your room.

(sniffling)

I heard everything that you said.

That was very sweet.

I'm fine if you're fine.

Well, I feel much better now.

I'd feel even better

if you dropped it like it was hot.

Drop it with me, baby.

Ooh.

Ooh.

(laughs)

I won't mention Halle Berry

if you don't mention Roland.

Roland? I was just kidding you.

Mm-hmm.

I love you, Wanda.

I love you, too, baby.

Come on.

Oh, Wanda, Wanda.

Bernie, it's time.

Yeah, I know you right.

I just can't believe she gone, baby.

What am I gonna do, Lord?

Bernie, she was cute,

but you got to get over this.

Come on. You think I won't?

What time my flight, baby?

Now.

What, what?

Taking Halle to my funeral.

Baby, you dreaming about Halle?

Not anymore. I'm up.

I was, too.

You're in trouble.

Cute toes, though.

Yeah, she don't cook.

She did have some cute toes.

-What's wrong with that one? -That one broke.

-Okay, (bleep) y'all. -(all laughing)

I don't know why you married her in the first place.

I'll tell you why he married me.

'Cause I'm (bleep).

-Get your ass out. -Oh, I'll get my ass out.

Don't make me take my shoes off.

Help me.

Oh, Lord!

Captioned by VISUAL DATA