Original subtitles

Hey, you see this?

I won this back in high school.

That's right. It was for football.

America, Bernie Mac was a fullback.

I mean, All-State.

I was BMOC-- Big Mac on Campus.

Man, I remember how proud Big Mama was

when I brought this home.

She made a big fuss. I never will forget.

See, that's why I created the Mac Hall of Fame.

A place where the ungrateful, lazy, unmotivated kids

can show some of their greatest achievements.

Give them some pride like Big Mama gave me.

Take a look.

I was rough, boy. Pow.

Pow.

Look at that. Citizenship Award.

That look real nice.

Ain't that something, baby?

Sure is. Congratulations, baby.

We're so proud of you.

I'm proud of me, too.

Way to go, sis.

No big deal.

It's just a piece of paper.

It's not like she really won anything.

You know, you got a real big mouth on you, son.

Do I see your name up here on anything?

No.

I didn't think so.

Baby girl, congratulations.

You have now been officially inducted

into the Mac Hall of Fame.

Yay.

Jordan, what are you doing in here?

What's that jar there for?

I put it there.

Now there's something of mine in the Mac Hall of Fame, too.

Look like a hairy caterpillar.

That's a Manduca sexta.

It's rare.

Boy, you got to stop being so weird.

You don't want to be known

as the crazy bug boy.

The strange kid in the playground who eats bugs.

-I don't eat them. -It's just a matter of time.

Look, Jordan,

son, the Mac Hall of Fame is a shrine for achievement.

It's for the best, the strongest,

the fastest, the most.

Do you understand that, Jordan?

Okay.

Bugs.

The Mac Hall of Fame is for achievement.

If bugs are an achievement,

then the kitchen in the projects was crawling with achievements.

Tell me what to put in the hall of fame--bugs?

Why do I bother?

I'm raising the bug boy.

America, I've depressed myself.

Here, Uncle Bernie, my report card, look.

It says the most improved in gym.

Is that right? Let me see.

Jordan, two Ds and a C?

That's awful.

Yeah, but it's still the most.

It also says the most disruptive.

That's still the most.

That's not what I meant.

Yeah, but that's what you said.

You shouldn't have said it if you don't mean it.

You're not being the most clear.

Who you talking to?

Congratulations, Jordan.

Now you're going to get the most punishment.

You stay in there and be the most quiet.

I have a trophy.

How'd you get it?

I was on the football team.

I thought you guys stunk last year.

We did.

But you get a trophy just for being on the team.

You do?

Weren't you afraid of getting hurt?

I hardly ever played.

Oh.

JORDAN: Guess what, Uncle Bernie?

Son, what I tell you about the rules, Jordan?

I'm not supposed to talk to you

unless the house is on fire or I'm bringing you a beer.

(sniffs) I don't smell no smoke and I don't see no foam.

(sighs)

Okay.

I just want you to sign this permission slip for football.

Football?

Jordan, I didn't even know you liked football.

I love it.

I would've played last year, but my asthma flared up,

and the year before that, I had hives.

And the year before that, they thought I had polio,

but this year I feel great.

-Your heart all right? -Mm-hmm.

-You feel great, huh, son? -Yeah.

Football. Ain't that something?

All right.

How about me and you going outside

and have a little catch? Here.

What about your stories?

Man, I'm not thinking about no doggone...

This is more important. Come on, Jordan.

'Cause I was getting a little worried about you

eating those bugs, man.

I don't eat 'em.

But every time I turn around, you had one in your mouth.

I didn't!

-You were bugging me. -No, I...!

BERNIE: You know what, Jordan?

There are two firsts that comes in every man's life

that will stay with them till the day they die.

One you're too young to hear right now.

Number two is having your official football uniform.

Look at this.

Your practice jersey.

Game jersey.

Shoulder pads.

And your helmet.

I'm going to win a trophy.

That's the attitude, Jordan.

Now hold on.

Now that's the most important thing

you'll receive in your young life right now.

That's your official cup.

You drink out of it?

No, don't put that on your mouth, son. No.

You wear that to protect your pebbles.

Your pebbles?

Your mule.

Oh...

Your secret weapon.

I got to keep my stuff safe.

That's right, that's right, family jewels.

Boy, you a Mac.

-You know what? -Hmm?

Last year, I wouldn't have needed it.

Let's move on.

Uncle Bernie says hurry up.

I'll be right there.

I just have to get this stain out.

But won't it get dirty when you play?

I'm not going to play.

I'm just going to be on the team and sit on the bench.

But don't you want to win a trophy?

Everyone on the team gets a trophy.

And they're bigger than certificates.

Hey, yo.

Come on, man. You don't want to be late for the first game.

Come on. Don't worry about that.

Come on, baby girl.

Man, look here. You're going to do great, man.

Down! Set, hut!

Dag, that boy good.

-Best on the team. -Look.

Ooh, he's sweet.

Yes!

-That's sweet. -Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby!

Okay, okay, okay.

All right, okay. Mr. Mac, please.

-Okay. -Okay, defense.

Nagle, Shores, Benedict, Richter, uh...

Who hasn't played yet? Jordan.

Byron hasn't gone in yet.

All right, Byron, get in there.

Jordan, he hasn't gone in either.

-All right, Jordan, get in there. -Yeah!

Three and out, baby.

Three and out! Three and out, baby!

You a Mac.

Set, hut.

Okay, Jordan, Byron, Richter, out.

Jordan, Jordan, listen, listen.

Don't worry about it. It's a long season.

You'll find your game. You a Mac.

The boy's bad. I mean, unskilled.

Not even raw talent.

I did tell you he's my sister's kid, right?

Yeah, y'all know the story.

You know, she's on crack.

Just take a little time.

He might be a late bloomer.

Rome wasn't built overnight.

Might... be a computer whiz.

You never know.

He could be president.

He might get a sex change or something, you know.

I'll still be there to support him.

I did tell you he's my sister's kid, right?

First Negro president.

You go, boy.

Ready, break!

Down.

Set, hut!

Go, go, go, go!

(applause)

Yes, sir!

Your son is great.

Thank you, baby, thank you.

Your son? That's my son.

That's what I mean. I didn't mean no harm.

I mean, I tell you one thing. Your son is fearless.

He takes after his old man.

-You play a little football? -Just a little.

Well, I know one thing.

That boy probably going to bring us a championship.

Get a trophy for sure.

Well, all the kids get trophies

just for being on the team.

-They all get trophies? -Uh-huh.

What kind of mess is that?

Brother, I got my own Mac Hall of Fame.

The only trophy going to be on that is one you earn.

You have your own hall of fame?

That's right.

Obviously, you didn't play enough football to understand.

Well, actually, I have played a fair amount of organized ball.

What, Pop Warner? Junior high?

(chuckles)

No, try Super Bowl MV.

You? Damn.

Brother, that's sweet.

It is sweet, isn't it?

Coach, can I go back in?

(sighs)

All right, go in for Park.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

BERNIE'S VOICE: Fearless.

Fearless.

Championship.

Down. Set, hut!

Fearless.

Fearless.

(crowd groans)

COACH: Jordan, you okay?

Jordan? Jordan, you okay?

Jordan. Jordan, wake up.

You okay?

Jordan. Jordan.

Boy, that was one hell of a hit there, son.

That was sweet.

You a Mac.

Come on. Come on. Come on, son.

(applause)

Ready? Break!

("War" by Edwin Starr plays)

♪ War, huh, yeah ♪

Down.

Set, hut.

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

♪ uh huh ♪

♪ War, huh, yeah ♪

♪ What is it good for ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

Ready? Break!

♪ War, huh, good god ♪

♪ What is it good for ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

Down. Set, hut!

♪♪

(crowd groans)

♪ Say it, say it, say it, say it ♪

♪ What is it good for ♪

Yes!

That a way! That a way!

Superstar.

Baby, listen.

Let me tell y'all.

Tell them the story, man, again. Go ahead, go ahead.

Again?

Bernie, we heard it three times.

I know, sweetheart.

But every time he tell it, we learn something different.

Go ahead, son. Tell the story.

Tell them how the boy was barreling down at you, man,

with the ball coming straight at you.

You know the story. Tell it. Listen.

Okay. Now there was the kid,

barreling down at me with the ball.

I knew if I didn't do something, he was going to score.

So I went into action.

Doggone, I love this part. Listen...

So he was coming at me,

and I threw myself at him with all my might.

No, baby.

He shot out like a ballistic missile.

I mean, he looked almost like, uh... a... a... human torpedo.

Bernie, stop exaggerating.

No, baby, I'm not. I'm serious.

That's what the audience called him.

Nessa, they call him Torpedo.

He hit the boy so hard, I'm telling you,

the boy got up, and he talking in tongues.

-Shala-bala. Hala-bala-lala. -(laughter)

I'm not kidding you.

The boy was so dizzy, he got up, he said, "Where'd he go, George?"

I'll tell you where he went.

He went all the way into the end zone.

-That's where he went. -He fumbled.

No, sir, sir. You forced the fumble.

You hit that boy so hard, he dropped the ball,

and one of your teammates came and scooped the ball up

and ran in the end zone. Touchdown!

Yay!

But I didn't get to see it, though,

because I was too busy trying to breathe.

And you were what?

I was busy trying to breathe.

Let me tell you something.

Torpedo, it was the greatest thing I ever seen.

Uh, Bernie, why couldn't he breathe?

Um, he's breathing now. He's fine.

He just got the wind knocked out of him. That's all.

He has asthma.

Well, then, he should be used to not breathing.

The point I'm trying to make is it's all about fun.

See, they don't understand, son. Don't understand.

Uncle Bernie, can I have

another piece of cake?

Sir, Torpedo,

you can have anything you want. Here.

Go ahead. Take mine.

Oh.

I'm so proud of you, Jordan.

Baby, you should've seen...

The Torpedo! I knew he had it in him.

He's a Mac. He's got that Mac strength.

Maybe I should adopt him legally.

Nah. I'll wait to see if they win the championship.

Good night, baby.

Honey... I'm worried about Jordan.

He was limping today,

and I'm scared he's really going to get hurt.

Wanda, come on, now, you're not becoming

one of them overprotective parents

afraid to let their kid play football, now, baby? Come on.

No, Bernie.

I love football. I grew up with it.

All of my brothers played football,

my boyfriends.

In college, I dated an all-state safety.

In fact, we almost got married and...

Get to the meat, Wanda.

I think Jordan is doing this for you.

He knows you love football. He's trying to impress you.

He wants your approval even if it hurts him.

Come on, Wanda, come on, honestly speaking

if I felt that boy was in any kind of harm's way,

Wanda, I would pull him.

You promise?

I swear.

And I ain't lying, America. I would.

And besides, nothing's going to happen.

And even if it did, God forbid,

you know, it's not like it's the end of the world.

The boy is young.

He's got plenty of time to heal.

And they're doing tremendous things

with stem cells these days.

Look, Jordan, you're kind of banged up.

Maybe you need to take it easy tomorrow.

But, Uncle Bernie, I got to be the Torpedo.

If we win tomorrow, we're going to the division finals.

If I get a championship trophy,

would you put it up in the Mac Hall of Fame?

Championship trophy? Boy, you kidding?

Jordan, that'd be the proudest day of my life.

All right, then, Torpedo, you need anything?

Can I get you something, like some ice cream?

(groans)

No. Just maybe some more ice.

What's wrong, Jordan? Is it your rib?

Did you crack a rib?

BOY: Down! Set! Hut!

(cheering)

Torpedo!

You're damn right, baby!

Talking about a Mac attack!

Uh, Bernie, that looks too violent.

He's going to get hurt like that.

-Oh, Wanda, please. -You sound irritated.

No, I'm not, baby. He's going to be all right.

He's got shoulder pads, got a helmet on, knee pads.

Man, would you tell her?

Please?

Down!

Set! Hut!

(crowd cheering)

(groaning)

All right, baby, we'll pull him.

Did I hear you correctly, Mr. Mac?

You're pulling the Torpedo?

Look, Father, I have to, man.

Jordan is getting banged up out there.

I've got to pull him,

at least for the rest of the game--I have to.

Mr. Mac, sacrifice is a virtue.

If you recall, Abraham was ready to snuff his own son.

This boy's just your nephew.

Oh...

Look... stay right here.

Pull him.

What are you talking about? He's fine.

-Coach, pull him. -We need him now.

Pull him.

Jordan...

come on out.

They're pulling me! They're pulling me!

Y-You're pulling him?

Be strong, son.

Well, you're a trip.

ALL (chanting): Torpedo! Torpedo! Torpedo...

Mr. Mac, I understand your reasons for pulling the boy,

but if we hold them here,

Damien Elementary goes to the championship.

Father, I know what you're saying,

but I can't afford Jordan to get hurt. I can't.

My hands are tied.

Mr. Mac, Pontius Pilate suffered a similar dilemma.

When the mob cried out, "Crucify him! Crucify him,"

had he not given the people what they wanted,

we wouldn't have a flippin' religion.

Take his example, Mr. Mac.

Give the people what they want.

What's it going to be, Mr. Mac?

I don't know, Father.

I can't believe you're even considering this.

What about the boy's health?

But it's the championship game.

It is elementary school.

This is Damien.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I mean, I want them to win the game,

but it would kill me if the boy got hurt.

But it's not about me.

CROWD (chanting): Torpedo! Torpedo...

Put him in.

Launch the torpedo!

All right, all right, Jordan, come on in. Come on.

Come on, come on. Out, John, out, out, out.

All right, all right, guys, listen.

They get this extra point, they tie the score,

and force us into overtime.

Our only hope is to block the kick.

Torpedo, I'm counting on you.

-Ready! -BOYS: Break!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Down!

Set! Hut!

(crowd gasping)

Oh, my Lord.

Come on, baby. Baby, I got him.

Get-get back. I'll go get him.

(groaning)

Jordan, son, son, you all right?

(groaning) My pebbles... oh...

Your pebbles?

Ooh! Aah!

Nut shot, right pocket.

Even though it didn't happen to me,

I can still feel it.

Guys, you know what I'm talking about.

Just thinking about it make you cringe. Ooh.

And, women, don't give me that...

"You don't know what pain is. We give birth."

Huh! You go get hit in your pebbles,

and you come back and talk to Bernie Mac.

(groans)

I got to go walk it off.

Excuse me.

(groaning quietly)

Come on, son. Get up here, Get up here.

-(groaning) -Come on.

JORDAN: Ow!

MAN: Torpedo! Torpedo!

Hey, man... whatcha watching?

Scooby-Doo.

Yeah? Look at old Scrappy-Doo out there.

I like that little dog.

Jordan, let me just cut this off one minute,

all right?

Son...

I got some bad news to tell you.

Damien lost the championship game today.

Don't feel bad, son.

They would've won if you were there.

So you ought to feel honored.

That's how important

the Torpedo is to the team.

Now I'm never going to get my trophy.

Yes, you are.

What? That stupid team trophy?

It doesn't even count, you said.

You said it doesn't even sound worthy of the Mac Hall of Fame.

Don't pay no attention to what I be saying.

You know I'm not well.

I say stupid things all the time that hurt people.

And besides, it's not even about a team trophy.

It's a special award from your teammates.

Jordan...

congratulations.

I'm really proud of you.

("Super Bad" By James Brown plays)

♪ Watch me watch me ♪

♪ I got it ♪

♪ Watch me I got it ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ I got somethin' that makes me wanna shout ♪

♪ I got somethin' that tells me what it's all about ♪

♪ I got soul and I'm super bad ♪

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

You know your line?

No, I thought it was yours.

-Yeah... -Damn!

I thought he was going to mention the trophy.

Damn it. I messed the line up.

Did I step on the line when I first came out, too?

Damn.

That's nice.

Hey, that's real nice.

Somebody ought to bust your head, man.

(laughing)

Damn.

How long do you want me to stay there on that...