Original subtitles

America, you're a democracy.

You have all kinds of freedom and equality, and that's great.

And that works for you, and I respect that.

But we got a different system here at the Mac household.

It's called "dictatorship."

And it works like this--

See, I am the king, and what I say goes.

All the other folks, they're my subjects.

I have my queen, Wanda...

Your Highness.

My lady.

(chuckling)

I know how to pick 'em...

(clears throat)

I got my princess...

Thank you.

Oh...

I've got my court jester...

What's happening, my man?

(laughing)

Oh, here.

Give it here.

(clears throat)

And my royal pain in the ass...

My royal pain in the ass!

Ew, these fries are cold.

Is that...

Help yourself.

(dance music playing on TV)

BOTH: Aww.

Let's go to bed.

-But our favorite show is on next. -What's the name of it?

-Uh... -Yeah, just like

I thought-- let's go to bed.

BOTH: Aww.

Every night I go through the same thing.

I don't know what I got to do to get these kids to listen.

Stand on top of my head?

See, Shannon, I am way out of practice.

Are you kidding?

There are a lot of girls on the team

who can't even do what you just did.

Like who?

You know Debbie Menna?

Oh, yeah, she's pretty.

Not when she tries

a straddle and falls on her face.

Get out, I'm busy.

But Uncle Bernie said we have to go to bed now.

Can't I have one minute to myself?

Dang.

Okay, look, you can stay up another half hour and that's it.

Yeah!

But Uncle Bernie said we have to go to bed.

Well, I'm saying you can stay up. This is my house, too.

I've got rights.

And if Bernie Mac's got a problem with that, well, tough...

poop.

Hey.

I thought I told you all to go to bed.

Vanessa said we could stay up.

-Nessa? -Yup.

And she said you have tough poop.

Nessa!

I'm gonna count to three.

Just come tomorrow.

-I don't know. -One!

It'll get you out of this house.

What time is practice?

Two! Three!

What?

This is what I'm talking about.

Nessa, did you say they could stay up?

-So? -So?

When did you become boss around here?

You should thank me.

Come again?

You are the one who's always complaining

about how hard it is to get these kids to bed.

Every night, you yell and chase them, and before you know it,

they've squeezed an extra hour out of you.

At least.

Whereas, you can just let them stay up

and fall asleep in front of the TV,

and you can carry them to bed.

Is that right?

You'd think you'd learn.

You got it all together, right?

Well, let me break it down to you, Nessa.

The point is, I make the rules. I give the bed times.

I give the orders.

And I expect all the orders to be carried out

without any interference from you.

Is that understood?

-Yeah. -Thank you.

-I want you two to go to bed right now. -But...

Okay, come on, Bry.

You see that?

Without any interference from you.

America, follow me to the throne room.

The king wishes to have a private audience.

Immediately.

The king is weary from battle, y'all.

You all see what I go through.

America, and most nights, it's not that easy.

Yeah.

Why was it that easy?

What happened back there?

Come on, let's look at that scene again.

All right, there go the Mac man, I'm cool.

Collected.

I'm laying down the law. I like that.

I give the orders.

Smooth, in control.

All right, let's see what's going on.

That understood?

Yeah.

Thank you.

I want you two to go to bed right now.

-But... -Oh!

Oh, hold on, hold on.

Rewind that back.

Let's reexamine this.

Did you see that? See what I saw?

I want you two to go to bed right now.

-But... -Look.

Skunk.

Trickaration!

Oh, oh, she signaled him. You saw it.

Right under my own nose, in my own house.

Now how long this been going on?

You can't trust nobody.

Do I have to eat it?

Yes.

Bye.

-Hey! -Uh-huh.

I don't want to take a bath.

No bath, no movie.

Now the choice is yours.

Okay, bath.

All this time, undermining my authority.

Who does she think she is?

I'm the king of this castle.

She don't pull no strings around here.

I do!

I'm the puppet master.

I gotta look at it again.

I'm going to pop.

Real clever, Nessa.

Where I come from, they call that "slick."

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

You know what I'm talking about.

Little games you're playing with the kids.

Signals, the head nod, winks, and all that kind of stuff.

Yeah.

I got you faded, baby.

-You're trippin'. -Oh, I'm trippin'.

Yeah, okay, I'm trippin'...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Let me ask you kids something.

Who's the boss around here?

Don't look at her. Answer the question.

Baby girl, who's the person

-of authority around here? -Don't look at them, Nessa.

Come on, baby girl.

Tell me, who's the one with authority?

Come on.

Answer the question-- who's the leader?

(both talking at once)

Oh, I'm sorry, America.

How you doing?

You know, I'm just sitting here thinking about sleigh dogs.

You know, those husky dogs

that pull Eskimos all around the North Pole?

I was just sitting here thinking

that life's like a team of dogs,

because, if you're not the lead dog,

the only view is another dog's ass.

Is that what life has in store for me?

Bernie Mac?

Nothing but dog ass?

America, I used to be the lead dog.

They used to look at my ass.

Boy, it smells good up in here.

Pork chops!

Baby, that's fancy. What's the occasion?

We're celebrating.

Vanessa made the gymnastics team.

Go, Nessa!

Ho-ho... hold on.

It ain't one of those things

where I got to get up at 5:00 in the morning

and drop you off somewhere, is it?

Practice is after school.

Go, Nessa! Yeah!

Yum! Brownies!

I want one! Can I have one? Can I have one?

Hell, no, you can't have no brownie.

Wait a minute.

America, I don't have to be the boss anymore.

Vanessa got the power.

And you know what? I won't fight it.

I'll use it to my advantage.

Let her be the boss of them, and I'll be the boss of her.

Aha! Doggone it!

I boss her, she bosses them.

I got two less kids I have to talk to.

Doggone, Bernie Mac!

Why didn't I think of that earlier?

Whoo!

She'll see.

(laughing)

Yeah!

Better yet, I changed my mind.

You want a brownie, you can have one, son.

All right!

But it ain't up to me.

It's not?

No. It's up to Nessa.

See, she's the one with the authority.

What do you say, Nessa?

Would it be all right for your baby brother

to fill up on dessert before dinner?

-(horn honking) -That's Shannon.

I got to go practice. I'll eat when I get home.

No, no, no. Nessa, Nessa, come on, now.

Can your brother have a brownie or what, come on?

-Whatever your Uncle Bernie says. -(horn honking)

He says I could.

Yes!

No! Bernie!

I cannot believe that girl got me again.

When I try...

What the heck is going on?

Nessa.

Dance, Uncle Bernie, dance.

That's you, Nessa.

Nessa, stop!

Keep dancing, ha, ha!

I'm black.

At least keep me on the... on the beat.

Thank you, thank you.

(sinister laugh)

Nessa.

Nessa!

(girls talking and laughing)

You get your little self in here.

I don't want to sleep in the office.

I want to stay at Vanessa's party.

Jordan, slumber parties are for girls, honey.

No boys allowed.

Why, so they can talk about their boobies?

Ha, Jordan said boobies.

Boobies! (laughs)

Well, that's the last time we have sugar before bed.

She walked through the house.

No one was there.

All the lights was off.

She screamed, she hollered, but no one heard her.

The phone was dead.

And she reached for the knob.

And there was a bloody hook.

From the last person

who touched Bernie Mac's stereo without his permission.

(sinister laugh)

Okay, can you leave?

Yeah.

Okay, yes, I'll leave.

But seriously, if you girls get hungry,

go to a restaurant.

Enjoy yourself.

Have pleasant dreams, you little...

All right.

Okay... (laughs)

Good night.

(sinister laugh)

He's a professional comedian?

(all talking at once)

Hey, get out.

It's our room, too.

You share a room with your little brother?

How do you get any privacy?

I don't, that's the problem.

Jordan, get out!

I need my helicopter.

Hi, I'm Jordan.

Okay, you got it, now go.

No, I need my rescue wings.

(sports announcer from TV)

Will you tell

that little brat to stop bothering us?

(chuckles)

Shoot, babe, I would love to help you out,

but he won't listen to me.

He only listens to you.

That's sick.

Hi, hi-dee, boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo.

Look, I'm a gymnast!

I'm about to do a double flip-flop

with a banana split.

That's very tough.

Look, I have boobies, too.

See?

ALL: Aww!

Oh, that's nothing.

-Look what I got. -(gasping)

(screams)

Jordan, I told you to keep that in the barn.

I never ask for anything around here.

But the one time

that I want something for myself,

they ruin it.

It's not fair.

And it's bad enough that I have to share

a room with them in the first place.

Okay, go back to your party.

They won't bother you anymore.

Thank you.

Now, you two.

You have got to stop bothering your sister.

She's a teenager now, and she needs her privacy,

which means you have to give her her space.

BOTH: Do we have to, Uncle Bernie?

I'm afraid so.

Did you see that?

Those kids asked me-- the Alpha Dog.

I'm leading the sled again, baby.

All you other dogs, get in line, 'cause it's sniffin' time.

(sniffing)

(howling)

Yes, sir.

(barks)

♪ I'm the lead dog ♪

♪ Woof♪

♪ Dog ♪

♪ Woof♪

♪ Dog, Mac the lead dog ♪

♪ Woof♪

♪ Dog ♪

♪ Woof♪

♪ Dog, oh, lead dog ♪

♪ Woof♪

Hey, Vanessa's home.

Can you teach me how to do a cartwheel?

I've been doing cartwheels all day, and I need to crash.

But you promised.

Oh, good, you're home.

You can help me with my model plane.

Ask your Uncle Bernie.

He get impatient and he jams the pieces.

What did I say?

Well, I want ice cream.

Can you get my lactose pill?

No, I'm sick of doing everything for you guys.

Go ask Bigfoot.

KIDS: "Uncle Bernie?! Uncle Bernie?! Uncle Bernie?!"

What?! What?! What?!

Do I eat nutmeg?

Start my orange.

Are these dirty?

Pick a color.

Pull my finger.

Hold my gum.

What's a lesbian?

I can't feel anything.

I mean, I'm completely numb.

They worked all my nerves.

Every last one.

Somebody call a nerve-ologist.

That's the study of nerves.

They drove me crazy.

Hey, stranger.

Long practice?

Mm.

Bryana and I made cupcakes.

We saved you one, but Jordan ate the top.

They really miss you, you know.

Maybe this Saturday--

I have a meet on Saturday.

-Well, maybe after. -That won't work, because we're all going out after.

Nessa, look here, I know you got your gymnastic thing going on,

but let me tell you something, girl.

You cold gotta find time to raise your own kids.

What?

What?

I gave baby girl 14 piggyback rides,

and if I pull your brother's finger one more doggone time,

I'm gonna pull it off.

Why do you keep putting this on me?

What you talking about?

They're not my responsibility.

I have my own life.

Why can't you all just understand that?

Vanessa, it's just that we never see you.

Good. That's the way I want it right now.

Why can't you all just leave me alone?

What? What'd I say?

Bernie, what are you doing?

Working out some aggression,

so I can keep from killing that girl.

Bernie, teenage girls have it hard,

and Vanessa's had it tougher than most.

Well, she got it going on pretty easy now.

Well, I don't know about that.

I mean, back in Chicago,

she pretty much raised those kids.

And if you think about it, she kind of still is.

Well, she doing a piss-poor job at it,

'cause those kids are running wild.

At least they get to run wild.

She never had the chance.

I mean, think about it.

She's never really been a kid.

Let's not rob her of being a teenager, too.

Hmm, I never thought of that.

Bernie.

What?

I think I have a great idea.

(classical music plays)

(cheering)

Oh, hey, Vanessa.

I want you to meet my mom.

Hi.

Vanessa, your beam routine was perfect.

You are so graceful.

-Thanks. -Didn't I tell you she was awesome?

Do you need a ride?

-Sure. -Okay.

Hey, how was the meet?

Fine.

You all lost, huh?

No, we won.

You won?

Oh, I wish we could have been there.

-Well, who stopped you? -You.

-I did? -Yes, sir...

Well, honey, you said you wanted to be left alone.

We thought we were giving you space.

Figures.

Somehow, it's always my fault.

Hey, hey, hey, come here, man.

Wh-wh-where you going?

To my room. Do you mind?

No, we don't mind.

But that's not the way to your room.

It's not?

Ta-da!

This is your room.

You like it?

She don't like it. I told you she wouldn't.

Bernie.

I know, sugar.

Sometimes it's all just too much.

Nessa, did somebody say something or do something to you?

'Cause I swear to God, I'll kill them.

I looked for you guys, but you weren't there.

And everybody else had family and I was alone.

It's all right.

We will be at every one from now on.

Who won? Who won?

Why are you crying?

Don't you like your new room?

She loves it.

I love it, too.

These floors are perfect for Hot Wheels.

Ain't no Hot Wheels are going to be nowhere around here.

I gave up my bench and weights for another play room.

I catch you in here, I'll kill you.

Kids, this is Vanessa's room now.

You can only play here if she invites you.

Are you going to invite us?

All right, now you two need to get ready for bed.

BOTH: Do we have to?

-Yes. -Yes.

Okay.

You know, I never had my own room before.

And you know what?

The first time I ever understood what you've been going through,

and I didn't handle it well.

So, I hope this makes up for it.

Hey...

So, come on, man, what you think?

You ain't tell me what you think about the room yet.

Well...

I see a phone.

Okay.

But no cable.

There you have it, America.

I spared her life.

You know why?

A good king knows when to show mercy.

Mm.

It's good to be king.

♪ Hearts of fire creates love desire ♪

♪ Take you high and higher ♪

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

♪ Mac's the lead dog ♪

♪ I said, dog ♪

♪ Dog ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the lead dog ♪

♪ That's right ♪

♪ Dog ♪

♪ Dog ♪

♪ The lead dog ♪

♪ Pay attention everybody ♪

♪ Dog, ha, dog ♪

♪ America, I said ♪

♪ Woof♪

♪ Oh! ♪

(production crew laughing)