Original subtitles

America, every marriage has its ups and downs,

and Bernie Mac is no different.

And last week, it was down.

I mean, way down.

Shake your body down to the ground... down.

And I want to tell you about it.

But I have to be fair.

If there's one thing last week taught me,

it was that it ain't always what I think,

even though it's the Bernie Mac Show.

But I still want to give you both sides,

so let me introduce someone to you

with another point of view.

(woman clearing throat)

Wait a minute, baby. Let me introduce you to the people, okay?

And now, addressing America for the very first time,

I'd like to introduce my best friend.

The sugar in my coffee.

The a la mode in my pie.

The black in my eyed-peas.

Miss Wanda.

Wanda Mac, y'all.

Oh. Now?

How you doing, baby?

Okay.

Hi. I'm Wanda Mac.

Look, America-- America right in the middle.

Oh, oh. I'm sorry.

Yes.

Anyway, um, I had all this vacation saved up,

and I had to use it or lose it,

so I thought it would be nice to spend some time at home.

(sighs) How did I do?

You did good, girl.

I did?

-Are they still looking? -Yeah.

(alarm beeping)

Now baby, gettin' up.

No, no, Bernie. You stay in bed. I'll get the kids.

What?

I want to get them ready for school.

Why?

Because I never get to spend time with them.

This will be a real chance for us to bond.

It'll be fun.

Baby, it might be a lot of things,

but fun ain't going to be one of them.

Hey, you get to be the mom all the time.

It's my vacation. I want to be the mom.

Wanda, listen.

Why don't you try something easy

like being a gardener, okay?

I got this.

Okay.

Suit yourself, baby.

But the key to the liquor cabinet

is under the fern.

Wake up, Jordan.

Wipe the sandman out your eyes.

(humming)

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

(groans)

Wakey, wakey.

That's right, everybody.

Rise and shine.

Let's start a beautiful day.

Where are the kids at?

They'll be out in a jiff.

How many times did you call them?

-Once. -Once?

You treat those kids like they're civilized.

Come here. I'm gonna show you how you wake the kids up.

Come on. Just follow me.

All right, everybody, get up.

You all know the routine.

I don't need you messing around.

Guess what, y'all?

It's... show time!

This is the ring leader right here.

Get her started, you got everybody else.

Right here. Let's go.

Oh, yeah. I don't need you messing around.

This boy here-- he's something else.

See? Hey, come on.

Get up. Get up there.

Yeah, keep going. Yeah.

That boy hate water, man.

He hate water worse than the cat.

Chase that. I see her. You got to get

the blood circulating through her hair.

-(shriek) -Let's go.

-(shrieking) -Circulating.

See that there? See that there?

All right, everybody. All right.

I want everybody in the bathroom.

Face washed, teeth brushed. Hair combed.

I want you to move it. Move it, move it!

Ow!

You could have untied it first.

Hey, baby, see, this is not hard.

You got to treat those kids like they convicts.

You got to be creative.

You got to have a little fun.

Look at that.

That was masterful.

That's a maestro at work, baby.

(laughs)

Is he always like this?

Baby.

What you doing?

Making breakfast.

I'm going to show you breakfast.

You see this?

Bam, bam, bam!

That is called "breakfast."

This is a sad, sorry excuse for breakfast.

They're not gonna eat no Egg Florentine.

They'll eat my Eggs Florentine.

No, they're not.

Yes, they will.

I bet they don't.

Fine.

Go ahead and eat

cold cereal for all I care.

I-I-I'll eat one of them.

Listen, baby, I like your Eggs Florentine.

I don't have--

Hey, why don't you make the kids

some of your apricot crepe sometime? That's delicious.

(laughter)

I'm just saying, baby, they black.

I'm black.

Let's move on.

Hey, I'm pulling out in exactly 90 seconds.

Wait, here's your lunches.

Here's your lunches. Here you go.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Hey, Bryana, honey, tie your shoe.

I don't know how to tie my shoes.

It's not hard.

I'll show you.

We ain't got a lot of time.

We're under the gun now.

You take one lace, you make a bunny ear.

You take the other lace, make another bunny ear.

You fold it under and voila! Tied shoe.

Now you try it.

One lace.

Go under.

No, no, no, no.

You got to make a bunny ear with this lace.

Wanda, we got to go.

Then you make a bunny ear with this.

This will just take a second.

And then you take another bunny ear,

and then you put that...

Then you turn it around, and you flip it in there

-and you squeeze it. -Ow!

All right, let's go.

To the car. We got to go.

You really could use a lesson in patience.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some other time.

Right now, we got a story to tell.

Why don't you tell the American people

what happened when you tried to put the kids to bed?

Tell 'em that, baby.

-What? -What... ?

They were perfect little angels.

You got to hold it under the water.

That's why... Get in the...

No, I want bubbles.

Bubbles give you a rash. Get in.

It's only that one time.

Hey, didn't I tell you to get off that phone?

Ow! I am getting off.

Now!

I am!

Nobody.

Bryana, please.

Get in that tub now!

Oh, boy...

No. I got time.

-That was too much. -Mm.

-Okay? -Mm.

They are not perfect little angels.

-Oh, yeah. -They are monsters.

I've been telling you.

Y'all be trying to make me like I'm the bad guy.

Ooh, baby, I'm sorry.

Bet you want to bust their heads..

What? I wanted to kill them.

Really, hon? Excuse me.

America sees them every day.

They understand. They know.

(chuckles)

But I did have one small victory.

That was a victory?

You know that was a victory. Hush.

Watch.

-You will take a bath and like it. -I won't take a bath.

-No, it's cold. -Well, that's too bad.

-No. I don't like this tub. -Sit in this tub.

-Oh, ow! -And stay there.

(groaning) Oh.

Bryana, I put you to bed an hour ago.

What are you doing up?

Look, Aunt Wanda.

I tied my shoes.

-What? -I tied my shoes

all by myself, just like you taught me.

Baby girl.

Bernie,

you won't believe what Bryana just did.

Use bleach, baby. Lots and lots of bleach.

No. She tied her shoes.

What?

She tied her shoes all by herself,

just like I taught her.

It was incredible!

That's great.

That means less work for me now.

I taught her something

that she would take with her for the rest of her life.

It's an unbelievable feeling.

I-I can't describe it.

Actually, baby,

sometime it's hard to find the right words,

but maybe when you come back from getting me a beer,

your thoughts will done crystallized, but you did good.

Honey, you did good.

Hey, Patricia.

Hey, Wanda.

What are you doing out during the day?

I'm spending the week with the kids.

Oh.

Oh, and I'm so glad that I did it.

I had the most incredible experience.

I taught Bryana to tie her shoes!

Uh-huh.

-That's it. -Oh.

(both chuckle)

I know it sounds silly, but it was so exciting.

I think for the first time,

I know what it feels like to be a mom.

Well, I'm very happy for you, Wanda.

Thank you.

Oh.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing. She's just kicking.

Ooh, here, feel.

Oh, my God!

That's amazing.

Yeah, it's something else, huh?

Yeah.

Ooh, she kicked again.

Yeah. Yes, she does it all day.

All day?

Mm-hmm.

Wow!

What does that feel like?

I... I can't explain it.

(introduction to "Baby Love" plays)

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Baby love, my baby love ♪

♪ I need ya, oh, how I need ya ♪

♪ But all you do is treat me bad... ♪

Aunt Wanda?

Ooh. Yes, baby.

Are you pretending?

Yes, baby.

Okay.

♪ 'Cause, baby love, my baby love ♪

♪ Been missin' ya, miss kissin' ya ♪

♪ Instead of breakin' up ♪

♪ Let's do some kissin' and makin' up ♪

-(baby cries) -Ah, doggone kids.

Boy, shook my doggone beer up like that.

That don't make no doggone sense.

Bernie,

you think I should trade in my car?

You just got the car.

So you think it's safe?

I don't think anything, baby.

How can you say it's safe?

Wanda, I didn't say it was safe.

I think we should be more concerned about safety.

There's kids in the house.

Okay, Wanda.

Think about safety. I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm saying I'm sorry, but I'm sorry.

I said it, okay?

Bernie?

Bernie, I was just thinking.

What now?

Remember when we talked about adding another room?

What are you talking about? Six years ago?

Bernie, I'm not looking for a fight.

Well, what the hell's going on, baby?

Don't get upset.

I just asked you a question.

I'm not getting upset, but one minute,

you come at me talking about, "Is the car safe?"

Next, we talking about another room.

What is you... what-what...

What you really want to know?

Don't put this on me, Bernie.

I'm just saying, you know,

if we bring another person in the house.

Say what, who, where, baby?

What are you talking about?

You're going to be like that, let's just drop it.

I'm not acting...

What are you... ?

Wanda, what am I dropping?

Huh? Baby!

Wanda.

CHUY: She's nesting, man.

You're going to have baby Bernies before you know it.

Yo, yo. She's ready

to have some mini Macs, man.

-Mm-hmm. -Uh-huh.

No, no, no, no. Y'all wrong about that.

Y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all truly wrong.

Wanda and I already talked about it,

and we ain't having no baby. I put my foot down.

I put my foot down, too. Four times.

Kelly, how many kids I got now?

Four.

(laughter)

Hey, watch your back, man.

-Watch your back, man. -Watch your back.

Y'all ig'nant.

Yeah, seriously ig'nant.

Guess who the big winner tonight?

Bernie Mac.

Baby, I'll trade all my chips in

to get a little dip in your hip.

(laughter)

You're so silly, Bernie.

I wonder if our baby would be as funny as his daddy.

Funny?

Baby?

Yeah. If we had a baby,

I wonder if he would have your sense of humor.

Why you askin'?

You tryin' to get pregnant?

Wanda, you trying to have a baby on me.

What are you talking about?

No, I know what you talking about.

Oh, boy.

All of a sudden, an extra room, safe car.

You ain't been taking your pills, have you?

-What? -What?

What are you saying?

What you think I'm saying?

What, you don't trust me?

What, you think I'm trying to trap you?

If you have that little faith in my character,

then it's best that we don't have a baby.

That's what I'm talking about.

Why can't we have a baby?

Wanda, why you vexing on me like this?

I'm not vexing on you.

You are. Next minute you fighting,

and one minute, you crying.

Make up your doggone mind.

You ain't answered my question.

-Oh, I answered your question. -What was it?

We ain't having no baby. Case closed.

Case closed?

Case closed.

Case closed.

(quietly) Case closed.

Come on, baby.

We bigger than that.

I know you ain't gonna go sleep on no couch.

Oh... I'm not.

She's not sitting here

because she's really embarrassed.

She didn't want to see this part again.

Let me tell you what happened.

She was so upset that day that she left the house,

and I had no idea where she went.

Where's Aunt Wanda?

She's out, baby girl.

She promised she would make candles with us.

She said she was going to love and obey me, so, you see?

I want to make candles!

Well, we can't right now, baby girl.

-Why? -Because Aunt Wanda's not here.

Is Aunt Wanda in the rehab?

CHICK HEARN (over TV): Six seconds on the 24...

Come on, come on, I'll make some candles with you.

(classical music playing)

WOMAN: Your hour's up, ma'am.

(sighs)

Are your fingers tired?

No, ma'am.

Then give me another hour.

Yes, ma'am.

BERNIE: What color you making, Nessa?

I was going to mix these two colors together.

Jordan, be careful. You're getting wax everywhere.

You got to be careful.

I'm making this candle for Aunt Wanda.

It's her favorite color.

Oh, that's nice, baby girl.

I thought Aunt Wanda's favorite color was blue.

Oh, I mean...

That's nice.

Auntie Wanda going to love that, baby girl. That's nice.

Hey, uh, where is Aunt Wanda?

Uh, she went to get some air.

(slurping)

(sighs)

This time, put some sprinkles in it.

Miss, we don't usually put sprinkles in the shakes.

I'm paying you.

Hook it up.

Please.

Which one did you make?

I made all the cute ones.

You would.

JORDAN: I made all the ones with faces like this one.

I think that one was funny.

Look at his, all, like, sinister.

(laughing)

BRYANA: Hey, Uncle Bernie?

BERNIE: Huh?

Which one did you make?

Mine is...

He made the one in the back.

Right here?

BERNIE: I think so.

(kids laughing)

Yeah, I'm telling you...

I don't know...

-(glass clinking) -Oh!

Baby girl, look at you.

Ooh, Nessa, watch her.

I got to get some towels. Watch her.

Oh...

No, don't touch it.

Aunt Wanda, you finally came home.

We thought you were mad at us.

Kids, I'm not mad at you.

Why would you say that?

'Cause you said you would play with us, but you went away.

Yeah, we haven't seen you all day.

It's Bernie's fault, isn't it?

No. It's not his fault.

Well, partly.

But your Aunt Wanda has been going through her own thing,

and she's dealing with it.

What am I saying?

Look, I wanted to be the mom this week,

and I forgot about that,

and I'm sorry.

But I have one day left,

and I want to be the mom again.

What do you say?

Let's go have some fun.

ALL: Yeah!

Yeah!

("Proud Mary" plays)

(lip synching) ♪ Left a good job in the city ♪

♪ Workin' for the man every night and day ♪

♪ And I never lost one minute of sleepin' ♪

♪ Worryin' about the way that things might have been ♪

♪ Big wheel, keep on turnin' ♪

♪ Oh, the Proud Mary, keep on burnin' ♪

♪ And we're rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' on the river ♪

♪ Rollin' on the river ♪

(tempo quickens)

♪ Oh, I left a good job in the city ♪

♪ Workin' for The Man every night and day ♪

♪ And I never lost one minute of sleepin' ♪

♪ Worryin' about the way things might have been ♪

♪ Big wheel, keep on turnin'♪

♪ Turnin' ♪

♪ Proud Mary, keep on burnin' ♪

♪ Burnin'♪

♪ Rollin' ♪

♪ Yeah, rollin', rollin' on the river ♪

♪ Rollin', said rollin' ♪

♪ Rollin' on the river ♪

♪ Doo ba doo doo doo ♪

(music stops)

Yeah!

Okay, kids, time for bed.

ALL: Already!?

Yes, already.

Go brush your teeth. Go on.

I'll be in to tuck you in in a minute.

(humming rhythm)

(laughs)

So, you're not mad at me anymore, huh?

We should talk.

Yeah.

Look, here's the thing.

I may not have communicated

with you clearly about what I want.

But you can't shut the door on me when I talk to you,

even if we've decided on something earlier.

Things change.

I've changed.

And I have a right to do that, don't I?

Yes.

And you have to respect that, right?

Right.

Come here, baby.

Hold on, hold on.

I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't use

the word "baby" for a while.

Come here.

I love you.

I love you, too.

So, it all worked out in the end.

It was a rough patch, but I said my piece,

and now my husband understands my feelings.

Look, baby, I'm going to be straight with you.

Okay? You're my wife, I love you.

And I respect you.

And if you want to have a baby,

I'm going to say...

let's just keep it on the table.

Now, that don't mean yes, it don't mean no, Wanda.

All it means is,

let's keep it on the table.

Really?

Really.

Thank you.

Now, listen.

Give me a little privacy.

I want to talk to America by myself on this one.

Okay.

Okay?

-Love you. -I love you, too, baby.

Said it first. (giggles)

I thought she'd never leave.

Now I can say what I really feel.

She must be crazier than a...

Bernie Mac ain't having no doggone baby, you got it?

And y'all better not tell her.

It's going to be our little secret, America.

Case closed. Well, at least for now.

"'Cause people change." I ain't never changing.

I ain't changing my mind for nothing.

Bernie, a 44-year-old, running around

chasing some doggone baby.

Googoo gago my a-- Excuse me.

Look, y'all know I ain't crazy.

Y'all know, and you feel the same way.

What do I look like sitting up here?

"Get up. Your time to change him,"

in the middle of the doggone night.

Man, I'll be... 50, he'll be five.

Sitting there on a swing.

Pushing somebody, man, grab my chest.

You crazy as heck.

Hmm! You'd have a baby...

(muttering to self)

BERNIE: Oh, maybe she'll bring a pizza or something.

Mmm, pizza.

Uh...

I think she was going to bring crab legs.

You like crab legs?

Yes.

Yeah? What you like about them?

Crab legs and... hmm...

shrimp and lobster.

Oh, that's your favorite?

Boy, ain't nobody going to take you out when you get big.

(cast and crew laughing)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA