Original subtitles

Look at this.

I mean, I just went outside to get the newspaper...

I'm talking about 30 seconds, and look at me.

It's so damn hot.

California, in the middle of winter

it's 95 degrees.

Bernie Mac, why don't you get in your pool?

I can't; it's being drained.

But I'll tell you one thing, America

Bernie Mac going to sit right here

and chill for the rest of the day.

BRYANA: I go first.

JORDAN: I do.

BRYANA: I do.

JORDAN: Red goes first.

I don't care.

I'm just going to sit here and chill.

JORDAN: Red goes first.

BRYANA: Black goes first.

JORDAN: No, it doesn't...

BRYANA: Yes, it does...

JORDAN: No, it doesn't...

I don't understand.

Heat supposed to make them kids tired; kind of slow them down.

I guess they're the kids from hell,

they're used to the heat.

No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does.

No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does.

Okay, okay... I can't take it no more.

Yes, it does!

No, it doesn't!

Hey, hey, hey. Stop it!

I want you all to play quietly.

Uncle Bernie, will you play with us?

Sweetheart, it's too hot; I don't want to play.

I just want to cool off today.

We'll cool you off if you play with us.

See, I'm giving you a cool breeze.

Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, listen...

You want to chase us?

Hell, no. I'm not going to chase nothing.

Now, children, stop it. Stop it!

I want you all to play quiet. Quiet!

(whispering) Red goes first.

(whispering) Black goes first.

No, it doesn't.

Yes, it does.

Oh...

(mockingly) Uncle Bernie, will you play with me?

What's wrong with these kids?

When did it become my job to entertain them?

I entertain grownups.

Children aren't even allowed in my show.

(mumbles)

That little one...

(blowing)

Spitting all over...

The kids just need something to do, Bernie.

-You should schedule something. -I did schedule something.

10:00, leave me alone.

11:00, leave me alone.

12:00, make my lunch, then leave me alone.

Bernie, you agreed to take the kids in.

It really isn't asking too much

for you to ply with them for a little while.

Baby, I didn't know it was going to be this doggone hot.

Besides, it's three of them.

They can play with each other.

JORDAN: Stop following me!

Hey, Splash Canyon.

Can we go?

It has the biggest water slide

in the whole world.

Yeah! Splash Canyon! Splash Canyon!

Can we go? Can we go, please?

I think that's a great idea, Bernie.

Then the kids can entertain themselves.

That is just what you wanted.

You think you slick.

Wanda thinks she's slick.

Boy, I'm going to prove-- okay, I tell you what.

I'm going to take the kids to Splash Canyon,

but if they give me any excuse to cut the trip short,

I'm going to take it and I'm going to sit here guilt-free

in my air-conditioned house.

Watch-- any excuse.

Sneeze... that sick one wheezes, we're coming back home.

Anything.

Glasses fall.

Let the big one get smart; coming back.

Quickness... I thought we were going somewhere? Psych.

Watch.

KIDS: Yeah, we're going to Splash Canyon! Oh, yeah!

Splash Canyon! Splash Canyon!

(siren blaring, horns honking)

JORDAN: "Food, gas and lodging,

next exit."

"Highway 101."

"Littering, minimum fine $300."

"Benson's Discount Mattresses."

"Live Nude Girls."

(chuckles)

Jordan, don't you read another doggone sign.

You hear me? You read another sign,

I'm going to turn this car around.

These kids need discipline.

Vanessa, what you got the window down for?

I'm cold.

It's supposed to be cold. The air conditioning on.

Look here, it's hot outside, cold inside.

Raise that doggone window up. If you don't, I'm going to turn this car around.

Bernie, leave these kids alone.

You just making excuses.

I ain't making no doggone excuses.

Uncle Bernie, are we going to see the Little Mermaid?

No, baby girl. The mermaid's not going to be there.

But I want to see the Little Mermaid.

You want to see the Little Mermaid,

I got the videotape of The Little Mermaid.

If you want to see it that bad,

I'll turn the car around.

Don't listen to your Uncle Bernie.

You kids want a sticky-chew?

One for you.

One for you.

And one for you.

BRYANA: (crying)

What's wrong?

I dropped my sticky-chew.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Wanda, you got another one?

I only brought three.

You want me to turn around, say so.

Bernie...

Stop!

Leave her alone, Jordan.

"Leave her alone, Jordan."

God...

I just got

my hair done!

Are you laughing?

It cost me $150.

Turn this car around, Bernie.

-Ain't nowhere for me to. -Turn this car around!

You make it happen. Give the candy.

I can't turn the car around....

Put a blinker on or something.

I got the blinker on, baby.

Get over, Bernie! My hair!

(yelling continues)

I love it. I love it. I love it.

I mean, I played it perfectly.

And the bonus is, I got to punish the kids indefinitely.

So, it's going to be just want I wanted it the whole time.

Just peace and quiet in the house.

I mean, I'm going to sit here and watch my DVD in my cool AC.

I might even have a BLT and some Sunny D.

♪ Everything's going to be all right. ♪

(loud clanging)

Lord, why me?

Why me, Lord?

Hey, baby, we got an emergency.

I know. I got sticky-chew in my hair.

But Ernesto said he can work me in.

(breathes deeply)

I know you're not going to leave those kids with me in this heat.

That's cold.

You wanted to chill... chill.

Ah, scandalous.

I should have known, America.

Black woman's hair takes priority over everything.

We almost didn't do it on our honeymoon night

because she didn't want to mess up her bridal do.

Had to take her to the beauty shop first thing in the morning.

Well, not first thing in the morning.

Hey, hey, where you all going?

I want a Popsicle.

You all on punishment.

Shouldn't even be out of your room.

But it's hot.

Yeah, I'll show you hot.

Take this; water- flavored Popsicle.

But...

But nothing.

It's called punishment, not funishment.

No go on back to your room.

Get hot; swallow your spit. Go.

(groans)

Man, I'm so glad to see you, man.

Do you know how hard it is

to get somebody here on a day like today?

(Russian accent) This is a nice neighborhood.

You, uh... you rent?

No, I own.

It's good.

Oh, man... hey, man, what are we looking at here?

Big job, little job?

What do you think?

That's a very expensive wrist watch, huh?

It's not my best watch.

Look, man, just do what you got to do,

'cause I got to get out of this heat, okay?

(ominous music plays)

Baby, I got to stay cool,

and the key is do as little as possible.

Achieve absolute stillness.

It's very Zen.

And the secret is balance, like the fans.

As one blows east, the other blows west.

It's the yin-yang of cool.

JORDAN: Ow... ow... ow... ow...

Please, don't!

Now I must go kick those kids in the yin-yang.

A thousand pardons, America.

(mutters gibberish)

JORDAN: Ow, ow, ow.

Baby girl, what's going on?

Jordan bounced up and hit his head.

Baby girl, sit down. Sit-sit down, sit down.

Ow... ow...

Baby girl, stop.

You're busting his head wide open.

JORDAN: Ow... ow...

I told you no fun.

I wasn't having fun.

Come on out of there.

That's it. That's it!

I want you all down on the bed.

I want you to sit there

and think about what you done.

But it's hot.

Heat rises to the top, Jordan.

Get down on the floor and stay cool.

I thought you said we couldn't get off our beds.

Don't start with me.

'Cause the more I sweat, the more it's going to hurt you.

Oh, no.

Now these kids got me all hot.

Now I got to cool down.

I got to think cool thoughts.

That's iceberg with little penguins on it.

Now see, that's cool.

Oh, yeah...

(loud clank)

What the...?

(truck engine starting)

What the...?

Man, you finished?

Not yet.

What's taking you so long?

Very hot, my friend.

Yeah, but I'm paying you by the hour.

What you say? I'm Russian Mafia?

I'm honest man. I fight in Chechnya.

Come on, I didn't mean that, man.

I fought in Cabrini-Green.

It's just so hot; it's the heat.

Go on, take your break.

Want a lemonade or something?

Iced tea.

Two sugars.

Straw?

No.

Okay, do it.

Ya!

Ya! I'm Aqua Man!

91 degrees.

(loud splash)

What the...?

Can't get me, I'm too fast for you.

BRYANA: No, you're not.

You're not too fast.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey!

Y'all don't listen.

I told you all no fun.

We were punishing Jordan for you.

Let me tell you something--

I want you all to clean this mess up,

and I want you to clean up right now,

and get back to your room.

Man, it's like a prison in here.

Oh, you think it like a prison, huh?

Well, I got news for you, it ain't.

'Cause in prison, there's hope.

Clean up!

There ain't going to be no phone for a whole month.

-No video game, either. -(groans)

Baby girl, you can kiss that doggone Barbie doll goodbye.

Kiss it... 'cause they going.

That's enough. Give them here.

Here. That's right.

(loud clank)

(air whirring)

Oh, thank you, Lord.

Uncle Bernie, does this mean we're not punished anymore?

It means you can't complain about being hot.

I'm back.

Mmm...

(sigh of joy)

Hey, hey, somebody open the door!

Who is it?

You know who it is, Nessa. Open this doggone door.

Ow.

But we'll get in trouble.

We're already in trouble.

If we open the door, are we still punished?

More punished.

-See? -Okay.

Open the door!

Open the doggone...!

♪♪

(kids yelling)

Do you believe it?

Locked me out my own house. My house!

A man's home is supposed to be his castle.

You don't lock a king out his castle.

When I get back in there,

I'm throwing them kids in the dungeon.

Don't let me get in there!

Oh, don't let me get in there.

Whoo!

Baby girl, open the door.

Open the door, come on.

I'm going to choke you in front of the police.

You.

How long can we keep him out there?

Well, we're already in trouble,

so we might as well put it off as long as we can.

Ah.

The patio door!

Ice cream.

Open this door. This isn't funny anymore.

You're right, it's hilarious.

(laughs)

(laughs)

(cackling)

It's on.

Okay, okay.

So I underestimated them.

That's okay.

They underestimated me, too.

See, I've been married a long time.

I've been locked out before.

See, you might not believe this, America,

but there was a time Bernie Mac wasn't so easy to live with.

But those times taught me a few tricks.

I ain't dead.

Believe me, I ain't dead.

They're just children.

They think they know something.

I'm getting ready to teach them.

Soon as my ankle get together.

I've been married all this time

Wanda ain't locked me out.

Wake up in the morning, be laying right next to her.

There's a little window over the sink.

Wanda likes to keep it open so you can smell the hydrangeas.

I'm home free.

Oh!

Sorry, but we don't want to let any of the cold air out.

Okay.

Might as well raise the stakes now, baby.

'Cause Bernie Mac won't give up.

I can take anything they dish out, anything.

It's on now.

I'm getting ready to pop. Pop.

Vanessa, come on now, I'm tired.

Let me in.

Look, I'm Bernie Mac.

(imitating Bernie) Boy, take your medicine.

(imitating Bernie) Nessa, get off that phone.

Don't breathe unless I tell you to.

I'm going to kill one of them kids.

Nessa!

Get out of my chair.

That's my chair.

That's my chair.

My house.

My world.

(laughing)

Not anymore.

(voice whispers) The key.

What?

Who said that?

I must be having a sun stroke.

(voice whispers) Look under the mat.

I hope it ain't what I think it is.

I'm sorry for my sins.

The key.

Delete all files.

What's he up to?

The key.

The spare key!

Gotcha.

-Give me that key. -No!

Bryana, the key!

(deep) No!

We have to go back for her.

Face it, he's got her.

Baby girl, don't be scared.

Uncle Bernie's not mad at you.

Uncle Bernie loves you.

In fact, I want you to join up with me,

since your brother and sister abandoned you.

What's "abandoned"?

Uh, "abandoned" is when somebody leave you behind.

And since they did that, I want you to be on my side now, okay?

-Okay. -Okay.

We'll make you a deal.

We'll give you

an ice-cold pitcher of lemonade with a little fan.

and you give us Bryana back.

No way, we don't want to come back.

Matter of fact, I'll give you a better deal.

You let me in my own house,

and I swear I'll take ten years off your punishment.

No deal.

See?

She abandoned me again.

I told you. She don't like you.

That's all right.

Baby girl, look.

Look at the door.

Come on.

When I get my hands on them, y'all gonna see.

Uncle Bernie, can I play?

Oh, it's on.

Oh, it's on.

It's on! It's on.

(doorbell rings)

Vanessa, Vanessa. Come quick.

Uncle Bernie's hurt.

He's just making you say that.

Uh-uh.

He fell down.

Here I am, suckers!

Yeah! That's all right, baby.

That's all right.

Oh! Yeah! Yeah!

Oh!

Yeah, okay, how you like that!

How you like that! Yeah!

(laughs)

Oh, oh, oh.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait!

What the hell is going on here?

Bernie, you got my whole front yard soaked.

And my flowers are all trampled.

Don't you dare.

I just got my hair done.

If you even as so much get one drop, ooh.

Now.

♪ Hot fun in the summertime ♪

♪ Hot fun in the summertime ♪

♪ Hot fun in the summertime ♪

♪ Hot fun in the summertime ♪

♪ First of the fall and then she goes back ♪

Man, that was a whole lot of fun.

Thanks to those crazy ass kids, I guess.

I mean, man, they put me through a lot.

But it's good to know you can still have that kind of fun

right here in your own home.

Now, America, don't misunderstand me.

They're still on punishment.

'Cause when Bernie Mac tell you to open the door,

doggone it, you open up the door.

(door locks)

Hold on a minute.

Oh!

Jordan.

Nessa.

Open up the door.

Open the door!

America, y'all call somebody.

Open the door.

Wanda!

Baby girl!

Open this doggone door!

Jordan!

Y'all call somebody for real.

Open the door! I'm about to pop.

It's on. Part two. It's on.

Open up the door!

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

You think you got enough lemons, man?

Yeah, I finish.

Air-conditioning is fixed.

That's great.

Yeah, you come to van, I give you bill.

We take MasterCard, Visa, no Discover.

I'll pay cash.

-You say you take Visa? -Mm-hmm.

Give me my damn lemons.