Original subtitles

Man, I'm tired.

I'm too tired to talk.

I'm too tired to eat.

I'm too tired...

I ain't never that tired.

(chuckles)

I'm even too tired to laugh.

Let me tell you something:

Boarding school.

Send your kids to boarding school.

America, you know those schools

that were invented for rich folks

who didn't have time for their kids?

Man, let me tell you, I used to judge them.

I used to think real low of them people.

Not anymore.

See, now I understand.

If you can afford it and you got the opportunity,

send your kids to boarding school.

Shoot, me, I can afford it.

I just ain't got the opportunity.

Doing real good, touring all over the place.

Got plenty of money.

(sighs)

(beeping)

Bernie, wake up. It's time for school.

I don't feel like getting up right now, baby.

I made the kids' lunches and I fixed a pot of oatmeal.

Makes sure that Jordan eats.

His blood sugar is low.

I picked out a cute outfit for Bryana.

I wish I could see her.

Come on, Bernie. Don't make them late for their first day.

Baby, I got a full half an hour.

Ain't nobody going to be late.

You wanted to be a daddy?

Get to daddying.

(beeping)

What's up? Busting loose. Time to do it.

Come on, now.

All right, let's go. Let's go. Let's get up.

Jordan, let's get up. Where baby girl at?

Come on, Vanessa.

(mumbles)

I'll bet if I stop feeding you, you have something to say.

Come on, now, Jordan, get up!

I don't feel good.

Jordan, don't even try that.

And where the hell is baby girl at?!

Right here.

Hey. Now,

where were you, baby girl?

I was having a BM.

A BM?

Oh, you mean you were doing number two.

No. I was having a BM.

Number two is how babies say it.

Okay, I'm sorry. You're right.

You're not a baby. You're a big girl!

No, I'm not a big girl.

I'm a princess.

Okay, I understand. I get it.

Yeah, okay, Princess. Let's get dressed.

Okay.

Yesterday she wanted to be a goldfish.

That's okay. She'll learn.

But I got her into Wellington,

the number-one preschool in the Southland.

Man, look at this brochure.

Fancy. Look at the kids on here.

They even look smart.

Just brimming with knowledge.

Baby girl going to be on this. You watch and see.

I just can't wait until baby girl experience

some of this quality teaching.

We don't teach.

We've replaced the word "teach" with "reach."

We reach the children

by focusing on what they want to do.

WANDA: Oh, I heard about this.

-It's child-centric. -Exactly.

Sound like to me, ma'am,

that you're letting the kids run the school.

Yes.

What type of program is that?

So you mean to tell me if a person wants to sit in their urine,

that's what they're going to learn?

"Hey, class, Jimmy wants to sit in his urine

so we're going to learn urine-sitting."

That's crazy.

I'm sorry, y'all, I just don't understand.

I'm sorry. I just don't understand.

I mean, what's next?

You going to start allowing the boys to wear dresses?

(chuckling) Oh, see, we do our best

not to stereotype the children into traditional roles.

We here at Wellington

have always had a gender-neutral policy.

Gender neutral?

So girls don't have to grow up thinking

that they only have to be housewives or subservient to men.

I think that's great.

You won't find any Wellington girls hanging around

waiting for their knight in shining armor.

(laughing)

Yes, honey?

I'm a princess.

I know you're a princess,

but at school, you got to dress like a little girl.

But I'm not a little girl. I'm a princess!

Bryana, listen, Uncle Bernie ain't got a lot of time.

Now, on Halloween, you can wear anything you want to wear,

but for the first day of school,

you got to change.

Now, will you do that for Uncle Bernie?

-Okay. -Good.

-Uncle Bernie? -Yes, sweetheart?

Will you do my hair?

Oh, baby, Uncle Bernie

don't know how to do your hair.

Hold on.

Vanessa, come out here and do baby girl's hair!

VANESSA: She asked you. I heard it.

(quietly) Do it yourself. I ain't your damn slave.

Please, Uncle Bernie? For me?

All right, baby girl. Come on.

I'll do the best I can.

Go ahead on. Go on in there.

Little girl good.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

How you want your hair, baby?

Pretty.

(mimicking) Pretty.

Okay.

Okay, let me see. Where am I?

Should I do the back first?

I'm going to do the front and then work back.

Do I comb it front?

All right, let's try that.

Let me see.

(grunts)

Uncle Bernie?

I'm sorry, baby.

("I Wish" by Stevie Wonder plays)

♪♪

♪ Looking back on when I ♪

♪ Was a little nappy headed boy ♪

♪ When my only worry ♪

♪ Was for Christmas what would be my toy ♪

♪ Even though we sometimes ♪

♪ Would not get a thing ♪

♪ We were happy with the joy the day would bring ♪

♪ Sneaking out the back door ♪

♪ To hang out with those hoodlum friends of mine ♪

(glass breaking)

Uh-oh.

You did it.

Oh, baby girl, you know what?

I'm going to fix you up real nice tomorrow.

We ain't got a lot of time now.

We got to go, okay?

-Okay. -Good.

Uncle Bernie?

Yes, baby?

I don't look like a princess.

You do to me.

Always. Hear?

Oh, come here.

I know it looks raggedy, but she's so cute.

She'll be able to pull it off.

Plus, she's only five years old.

Who she got to impress?

I got one down and two to go.

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie, I can't go to school today!

I don't feel good!

I'm not playing, Jordan!

I'm not.

VANESSA: Go away.

It's me.

I don't think I'm gonna go to school today.

Why? You sick?

Nah, I just don't think I'm going.

Why? So you can stay home with Bernie Mac?

I'm going to school.

Yeah, I think I'll start with some wheezing.

Then, I'll make myself throw up.

Then, I'll just stay in bed and watch TV all day.

(coughing)

Maybe I'll eat some of those cookies

Uncle Bernie hid from us.

BERNIE: Let's go! Let's go!

Come on, now! Let's go!

Well, good luck. Here comes Bigfoot.

Jordan.

Get out that doggone bed, man. We got to go.

I'm sick today.

I'm sick every day, Jordan.

Come on, get up. We got to go, man.

Maybe we should both stay home and get better.

-Maybe we should both go to the movies, Jordan, huh? -Really?

Get out that doggone bed and get up in there, boy!

-Get up! -(whimpers)

That boy ain't sick. That boy's stupid.

He act like I ain't never tried that trick.

If the boy was good, he'd have the chicken pox.

Try to use emotion against me. Ha! Ain't gonna work.

It's all about discipline, baby.

Ha! And America, you can do it, too, baby.

Yes, sir.

They gonna cry, they gonna whine, they gonna beg,

try to make you feel guilty. Don't go for it.

You got to be strong.

That's why that boy going to Catholic school.

I'm talking about discipline. Mmm.

(bell rings)

(with Irish accent) You wouldn't believe

some of the malarkey going around.

Some of the schools are peddling this child-centric hooey.

If you believe that I got a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for you.

What do you do to encourage a child's self-expression?

Doing as you're told is the only expression of the self

we're interested in.

Amen. That's what I'm talking about.

We'll have none of that shouting in here, if you please.

I'm sorry.

So, you guys... "teach"?

Of course we teach.

What the hell kind of question is that?

I'm sorry, Your Discipline-ship. I am so sorry. Continue.

Father Damien... dedicated his life

to the lepers on the island of Molokai.

No one could understand

why he would devote himself to such horrible... wretched...

filthy, withered creatures...

and I'd like to think that here at Damien,

we follow his example.

Now, don't get me wrong.

I'd never compare children to lepers.

Oh, no, I'd never do that.

The lepers were grateful.

This guy kind of scares me.

I know.

Isn't he great?

Jordan! Get up, boy!

I'm gonna count to three. Get up!

I don't feel good.

Feel better. One...

(coughing) But I'm wheezing.

Wheeze your butt to the bathroom, boy. Two...

I'm gonna throw up!

I'm about to throw down. Three!

Get your butt on out this doggone bed!

Get ready for school.

Why you running, Jordan?

What you scared of, huh?

Jordan... you don't have to be afraid of Father Cronin.

Just do your work.

No, I'm afraid of him.

Who?

Jesus?

You don't got to be afraid of Jesus.

He is a little scary.

Wanda, watch what you're saying around the boy.

Jesus ain't scary.

You know what I mean.

Catholics like to show you every detail.

Sometimes, they just keep it a little too real for me.

No offense, Jesus.

I want him to get a good education,

and God is important, but... I'm not sure

we should be shoving religion down his throat.

Wanda, can I get some support around here, please?

I'm not shoving anything down his throat.

Jordan, if I have to come over there and shove it

down your throat, brother, I will.

-Now, eat. -(whimpering)

(crying) I don't want oatmeal!

I don't want you fainting in school, man, because you didn't eat.

-Now, you know you're soft. Eat Jordan. -(wailing)

-Uncle Bernie? -Yes?

I think Jordan's gonna throw up.

Jordan, you better not be trying to make yourself throw up.

I'm not kidding, now. You can do it. Swallow.

You're halfway there, Jordan. Look at you. Swallow.

You're doing it! Swallow. Swallow.

Swallow. Swallow.

Swallow. Swallow.

Son... you did it!

Now, that wasn't so hard, was it, Jordan?

Here, wash it down with some juice.

There you go, son.

I'm proud of you. Strong.

You don't know you got it. It's in you.

I'm bringing it out of you, son.

You can do anything you want to do.

You know why? 'Cause you're a Mac.

Ha. Don't let nobody tell you different--you're a Mac, boy.

(chuckling) Am I right, baby?

Ha.

What?

(vomiting)

(gagging)

-Uncle Bernie? -Mm-hmm?

Jordan's throwing up.

I ain't gonna make it.

Y'all, I ain't gonna make it.

Bernie Mac ain't never been late a day in his life.

This is my second... second favorite silk shirt.

I ain't gonna make it.

Didn't I tell you to put your clothes on, Jordan?

Come here.

( "I Gotcha" playing)

♪ Uh huh, huh ♪

♪ You thought I didn't see ya now ♪

♪ Didn't ya, uh huh, huh ♪

♪ You tried to sneak by me now ♪

♪ Didn't ya, uh huh, huh ♪

♪ Now gimme what you promised me ♪

♪ Give it here come on ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Good God ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ You made me a promise ♪

♪ And you're gonna stick to it ♪

♪ You shouldn't have promised ♪

♪ If you weren't gonna do it ♪

♪ You saw me and ran in another direction ♪

♪ I'll teach you to play with my affection ♪

♪ Now, give it here ♪

♪ You never should've promised to me ♪

♪ Give it here ♪

♪ Don't hold back ♪

♪ Give it here ♪

♪ Don't say nothin' ♪

♪ Just give it here ♪

♪ Come on give it here ♪

♪ Give it here ♪

♪ Give it here ♪

♪ Give it here ♪

♪ Give it to me, now ♪

♪ Good God ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ I gotcha ♪

♪ Shouldn't made a promise to me ♪

♪ I gotcha ♪

♪ You never should've promised to me ♪

♪ I gotcha ♪

♪ Give it on, here ♪

♪ I gotcha ♪

♪ You thought you got away from me ♪

♪ Didn't ya ♪

♪ I gotcha ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ♪

Yeah, gotcha!

Two down.

One to go.

Let's go.

Ugh. I hate my hair.

BERNIE: Vanessa, we got very little time.

Whatever you doing, you got to finish it.

Come on out, baby.

You already missed breakfast.

Good. I ain't hungry.

Ain't playin', baby. Let's go!

(mimicking) Ain't playin', baby. Let's go! Shut up.

What did you say in there?

Nothing!

(mimicking) What did you say in there?

Keep on. Keep on talking.

Maybe I should shave it all off.

(sighs)

What does it matter, anyways?

Oh, what does it matter, anyway?

It's the teachers that are getting tested nowadays.

I mean, you know, it's freakin' upside-down.

So, are you saying they don't care

if the kids do their homework?

No, I'm saying that they don't bother to give it anymore.

I mean, what's the point, right?

Look, uh...

maybe I'm being a little harsh here.

There are many kids that are doing very well

and many teachers really care

but, uh, for the most part,

everybody tries to not be part of the problem. You know what I'm saying?

I hope that helps with your research.

My research?

Yes. I was told that you were doing research for a part in a movie.

Aren't you famous?

(clears throat)

No--I mean, yes- but we're here

to enroll our niece in the school.

Oh. Too late for private school?

No, actually, she had three interviews

but none of them responded to what she had to say.

What'd she say?

Oh.

-Welcome to Baja Vista. -(bell rings)

Now, that wasn't so hard, was it, baby girl?

Uncle Bernie said do something and you did it.

Let's try it again.

Now, grab your school bag and let's hop in the car, honey.

One, two--hey, that's all you're taking to school?

Could it be that...?

Lord...

I know you're testing me, right?

You send the devil down here to tempt me with evil thoughts.

Testing my faith.

Thoughts of killing.

I-I-I know it ain't right.

I ain't letting go.

I believe; I do believe.

(gulps)

Father...

you say you'll never forsake me.

Don't forsake me.

Give me some peace.

Peace.

You are not going to be late for school, baby.

Who cares? They don't take attendance, anyway.

Girl, don't you care about going school, Nessa?

What you going to be without education?

Maybe I'll be a comedian, like you.

Oh, you got it down pat. You so smart.

You know, you might as well hold a class...

I can't do my hair!

Look here, Nessa... it's been a rough morning.

I lost two of my favorite shirts.

I been covered with hair grease and vomit.

I got arthritis in my hands, baby,

from braiding all those black Barbie dolls' hair.

I'm out of high blood pressure medicine.

It has not been a good day.

Now, I know you want to look good for the first day of school

and I understand that,

and I know you a teenager,

and you're very sensitive to teenage stuff...

I understand that.

But Nessa, you got to understand this:

your Uncle Bernie loves you, okay?

But we got to get moving.

Y'all didn't think I could be the bigger man, did you?

(sniffles)

Nessa?

I guess I can live with this.

Thank you.

See? Girl, I don't know what you was worried about.

You look great. Now, come on, we got to go.

You can finish doing your hair in the car.

(frustrated sigh)

What?

What'd I say?

Black women, you need to get less sensitive

about your doggone hair.

You're too soft.

White women, stop losing weight.

Okay, how do you want it?

Pretty, like yours.

You think my hair's pretty?

Yeah.

Turn around.

I'm the beautiful princess

and you're the beautiful queen.

Hey, you know what?

Why don't you go ahead and put that princess costume back on.

I can't. Uncle Bernie won't let me.

Well, I told Uncle Bernie it's okay.

Let's go! Let's go!

We still can make it on time, baby.

Let's go! 30 seconds, in the car!

Huh?

Uncle Bernie, you're still in your pajama bottoms.

Oh, my Lord, have mercy.

-(snickering) -What you laughing at, son?

I can see your mule.

Jordan, get in the car.

One minute, one minute-- everybody in the car!

Told me he can still see my mule.

Damn Coke-bottle glasses. Let's go!

VANESSA: Oh, Uncle Bernie, I did Bryana's hair,

-and I dressed her. -Nessa, thank you. Oh, no!!

All right, let's go, Your Highness.

Let's go, sweetheart.

Let your teacher deal with it.

Okay, baby girl.

Oh. I can walk by myself.

Hey, Nessa,

thank you for doing baby girl's hair.

-It looks nice. -I know.

Hey!

Your hair looks nice, too.

I'm late.

She just evil.

All right, come on, my man.

Aw, Jordan, man, I know you're scared.

Adjustment takes time.

Everybody's scared of school at one time or another.

-Byron! -Jordan!

Byron? Ain't that a...

That little faker!

Taking me through all of this!

I'm going to say it again:

Boarding school.

Send them away.

The further, the better.

Europe, Asia, Ethiopia, Jerusalem, Germany--

Ah! It's the only way you're going to get peace of mind, baby.

Any other solution sends you to prison.

I just realized something.

I got to do it again tomorrow.

Give me some privacy.

(sniffling)

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

White women, stop losing weight!

I'm sick of it.

Can't say nothing.

Oh, fat people--

Forget about it.

Wh--no.

Midgets-- ain't gonna say nothing.

Probably think little of me.

Cut the camera off.

Homosex-- no, move on.

Move on.