Original subtitles

♪ ...the fire is so delightful ♪

♪ Since we've no place to go... ♪

Go ahead on and laugh.

Bernie Mac don't care,

because I'm a sucker for Christmas.

Always have been.

Christmas make me feel warm and cheerful.

I mean, grateful for the blessings I receive.

And I got a lot to be grateful for.

America, Bernie Mac has been blessed.

But see those kids?

They had it rough.

They grew up poor, like urchins.

Sure, they make me... sick sometimes.

Give me a hard time.

That's all right.

They make my life a living hell.

But they my blood, and I love them

and I want to make this Christmas special for them--

the best Christmas of their lives.

And I'm going to do it.

Watch.

I'm gonna do it.

-(whistles) -♪ Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪

♪ Since there's no place to go ♪

♪ Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow ♪

♪ It doesn't show signs of stopping... ♪

Vanessa?

What?

Do you think Uncle Bernie would let us have a dog?

He doesn't even want us.

He wants me.

Okay, fine, whatever, but he's not gonna let us have a dog.

Okay.

I'm sorry, but you can't stay.

Uncle Bernie doesn't want a dog.

(barking)

We don't want Uncle Bernie to get mad.

So, where'd he come from?

He was standing right here.

He told me his name is Buddy.

He's an angel.

Well, he is cute.

BERNIE: Hey, kids, come on. It's lunchtime.

VANESSA: Quick!

We got to get him in our room.

We have to hide him. Go, Go!

Coming!

So, that's your plan?

To be sneaky?

No, baby, it's the perfect way to find out

what the kids want for Christmas.

Listen, I'll take them to the mall,

we'll go window shopping.

If they ask me to buy them something,

I'll say no like any other day,

then I go back and I buy it.

You are so cute.

I have never seen you like this before.

No, baby, it's our first Christmas with the kids.

I want it to be special.

You know, like Big Mama used to make it for me.

Bernie Mac, that's so sweet.

Wanda, I remember one Christmas, man...

we were so poor, all Big Mama was able to get us

was a cardboard box.

And she drew on it.

She drew us a little castle on it.

We were so grateful.

I had some good times in that box.

Until it rained.

Sorry we took so long.

"Sorry"?

Sucking up for presents.

What you kids doing this afternoon?

Like to go to the mall with your Uncle Bernie

and have some ice cream?

Uh... no, no, thanks.

Oh, come on.

Maybe you might need something.

No, no. Do we need...?

No, I don't think we need anything.

Well, baby girl, that leaves you and me.

You want to go the mall with your Uncle Bernie?

No. I want to stay home and play with Buddy.

Play with Buddy?

Okay. Stay at home and play with your dollies.

Guess it's just you and me, baby.

You see that?

These kids have such low expectations for Christmas,

they can't even sniff out a chance to get presents!

When I was their age and it was Christmas,

boy, I was suspicious of everything.

That's probably how I became so observant.

Can't get nothing past the Mac man.

Nothing. Bernie Mac on it, baby.

(drum machine plays)

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Da ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ All I really want for Christmas ♪

♪ Is to be a little bit more conscious ♪

♪ I don't really ever look expensive and dear ♪

♪ Do you really want to deal in Kwanzaa ♪

(barking)

Shh!

(continues barking)

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

♪ Now, this is the season ♪

(singing with heavy patois)

I love you, Uncle Bernie.

Get on out of here.

♪ But there's a few things we have to make clear ♪

♪ Now, all I really want for Christmas ♪

♪ Is to be a little bit more conscious ♪

♪ I don't really... ♪

Whew!

(fabric tearing)

Buddy, no!

Uncle Bernie's favorite shiny shirt!

Well, it was, anyway.

Hey! Who's in my room?

Go! Go on!

Come on, Come on, Come on!

Go, go, go! Go, Buddy, go!

What's going on here?

It's just us.

I know what's going on in here.

You do?

Of course I do.

You didn't think I wouldn't find out, did you?

It was Vanessa's idea.

Stool pigeon!

No, no, come on, come on.

I'm not mad at you, but I'm going to tell you,

you ain't gonna find no presents up in here,

so y'all might as well get on and get...

Well, you caught us.

Guess we can't put one over on Bernie Mac.

Guess you're right.

Hmm.

Y'all get on... get on out of here.

Oh, look at that!

I mean, look at those kids.

They weren't trying to find presents.

They were trying to find out my shirt size

to buy me a present.

Probably been saving their pennies for months.

They are some good kids.

Even the evil one is being an angel.

See, America?

My hard-ass, old-school parenting ways

are starting to pay off.

It's a wonderful life.

Beautiful.

WANDA: Bernie?

Coming!

I got to go.

Here I come.

Which one of y'all did this?

Look at me!

Why, you li...

Let me tell you something.

I want you to clean this mess up.

I want you to clean it up right now...

Look out.

Look at this.

This is my Bruno Magli.

Look at this.

Looks like somebody chewed it.

Which one of y'all did this?

Baby girl, you did this?

What possessed you to chew a shoe?

An Italian leather shoe?

(squeals)

What's wrong, baby?

Oh, my Lord.

That's foul.

That's disgusting. Filthy!

I did that.

Son, you did that?

Jordan, what's wrong with you?

Son, we got four bathrooms in the house!

You could have went outside or something.

Why didn't you get a box?

What was...

(whimpers softly)

Buddy, no! You're supposed to wait in the closet!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Uh... uh-uh.

Now come on, now. You see these kids. They're sneaky!

Deceitful! I don't want to have to kill one of them.

I'm telling you, it's Christmas.

You send me some help, Lord.

Send me an angel, an elf.

Send me one of them lucky midgets with a pot of gold.

I'm desperate.

Somebody going to get physically hurt.

Gonna be a discrepancy.

-No! -Uncle Bernie, please.

I hope you all got a receipt, 'cause this dog is going back.

(growls)

Shut up before I drop your ass off in Koreatown.

Now, hold on, America, don't start writing no letters.

I'm just kidding.

But am I lying?

Please, Uncle Bernie, let us keep it, please.

Please, Uncle Bernie.

We'll take care of him, I promise.

Nuh-uh, no way.

This dog is going back to the doggone pound right now.

I ain't got to work out, do I?

Now what am I going to do with those kids?

They gave me the perfect gift idea.

See, I can always punish them for being deceitful,

but how often can I give them the perfect Christmas gift?

I'm going to take him to the vet,

get him all cleaned up.

They're going to be so thrilled with this dog.

I can hear them, "Please, Uncle Bernie.

Please, we'll take care of him. Pretty please?"

No.

Good boy.

Come on, get up there. Get up there.

Good boy.

Bernie Mac, that is so sneaky.

I know, isn't it great?

Listen, go in there and keep them busy.

I'm going to drive around the block a couple of times,

then put the dog in the pool shed.

-Okay. -Go ahead, go ahead.

Dog, you going to make this the best Christmas ever.

I hate Uncle Bernie.

He took Buddy away.

You know what?

He ruined our Christmas, I say we ruin his.

You guys with me?

That's looking good, I'm going to get some tape.

(door closes)

Wanda.

-Hmm? -(water dripping)

We got a terrible tragedy.

Bernie, you're getting my floor wet.

No, somebody sabotaged the Nativity scene.

The wise men floating on top of the pool,

baby Jesus at the bottom of the Jacuzzi.

Who could do such an evil, diabolical thing like that?

Oh, and I know how hard you worked on this this thing.

Baby, I had the Wise Men set up just right.

They was lo and beholding.

Come here, baby.

(snickering)

Yeah, I heard that.

That was a guilty cackle.

I bet that boy did it.

Probably still mad at me, but that's all right.

He's going to feel real terrible when he see that dog.

I ought to throw him in the doggone Jacuzzi.

Let him see how baby Jesus feels.

Wheezing.

(wheezes)

Yeah, we'll see.

(R&B music playing)

♪ Santa Claus ♪

♪ Go straight to the ghetto ♪

♪ Hitch up your reindeer, unh ♪

♪ And go straight to the ghetto ♪

-(saxophone plays) -♪ Hit it ♪

♪ Hit it ♪

♪ You see mothers ♪

♪ And soul brothers ♪

♪ Santa Claus ♪

♪ Go straight to the ghetto ♪

♪ Fill every stocking you find ♪

♪ The kids are going to love you so, unh ♪

♪ Santa Claus ♪

♪ Go straight to the ghetto. ♪

Fine. That's how they want it, I won't give them the damn dog.

Maybe I'll just give it to baby girl.

She been good.

Or has she?

What you doing?

Oh, that look beautiful.

What's this thing here with this halo, what's that?

Let me see.

Buddy.

That's Buddy, huh?

I can see that.

What's this big, black, red-eyed devil,

unspiritual-looking thing here, what's this?

She's in cahoots.

Even baby girl turned against me.

Okay, all right, fine.

Now they've driven me to the end of my leash.

I know one dog's not going to be home for the holidays.

That dog going back!

(water running)

You guys, look! Look!

What's the screaming about?

A leash. He got us a dog!

He got us Buddy!

-Buddy! -Yeah!

He got us Buddy!

Hey, you guys... he tricked us.

You know, he's smarter than I thought.

We're going to have to start being nice to him.

You guys with me?

♪ This Christmas ♪

♪ The fireside is blazing bright ♪

Thank you for my pink boom box, Uncle Bernie.

I really love it.

Well, actually from your Aunt Wanda, baby.

I know, but I just wanted to thank you anyway.

Yeah, thank you for my raptor, Aunt Wanda.

I love you.

I love Uncle Bernie even more.

I love you, too.

Oh...

I thought you kids were mad at me.

Well, we were mad at you because you took Buddy away,

but then we realized we love you more.

That's real nice of you kids, it really is.

So, is that it?

Macs' tradition is to normally

open up one gift on Christmas Eve.

Baby girl, I guess that's it.

Where's Buddy?

What do you mean, baby?

Uncle Bernie, we found the dog stuff, so we know.

Yeah, so quit playing.

Where's Buddy?

Yeah, Bernie, where's Buddy?

Stop torturing the kids.

That dog going back!

That dog going back!

Back! Back! Back!

(crying)

What kind of a man gives a child's dog away twice?

Twice?!

Oh, Bernie.

(crying)

Oh, okay, relax.

Don't worry, I'm not a Scrooge.

I went right out and got the dog back, see?

I didn't lie.

Bernie Mac is not a monster.

He's just tragically misunderstood.

I got to drink all of this tonight,

or else it'll go bad.

What?

I ain't driving.

I hope the kids satisfied, I really do.

You want some?

You're walking, you don't need none.

(groans)

(whimpers)

(groans, whimpers)

Jordan, shut up.

It's not me, it's Buddy.

Shut up, Buddy.

Buddy said he wanted to sleep in a doggy bed in the kitchen.

Who's stopping him?

Come on, Buddy.

Come on!

Come on, why do you have to have such a bad attitude?

Fine, don't go.

Stupid dog.

Come on, Buddy, let's play.

(barks)

Oh, my shirt!

Let go! Let go!

Bad dog. Go! Get!

(laughing)

Wait, this is your shirt.

What?!

Oh, man! Oh!

My collage.

Vanessa, can I ask you a question?

You still like Buddy?

(whimpering) Buddy.

Oh, shh.

We'll find him, don't worry.

Baby girl, I've been up and down the whole block.

I haven't found him yet.

But first thing in the morning, I promise.

Buddy can't be gone.

He's an angel.

He told me when he left, I wouldn't remember him.

But I remember him, so he can't be gone.

(cries)

Can we talk for a second?

(crying)

I'll be right back, okay?

-(cries) -It's okay.

So we were walking him, right?

But he didn't want to be on the leash, right?

Yeah, he didn't want to be.

So, we took it off, right?

And he ran.

Yeah, he ran fast.

We tried to call him...

"Buddy!"

But he didn't come.

Y'all ditched that dog, didn't you?

It was her idea.

Stool pigeon.

Look, you got to help us get Buddy back.

Me? What?

-You're the one who gave him to us. -Yeah.

Why, y'all...

I should let them suffer with their own conscience.

But then that wouldn't be fair to baby girl.

(barking)

Thank you.

You're in luck, he's right there.

Hey, that's our dog! Wait!

Wait!

Sorry, kids, this is my dog.

I just adopted him.

Sir, I think there's been a big misunderstanding.

That's our dog. I got it for the kids for Christmas.

Look, brother, I'd like to help you out,

but my boy and girl are coming.

They live back east with their mom and you know how that is.

I want to have a special gift

waiting for them when they get here.

We got special gifts.

I'll trade you a pink boom box.

And a remote control dinosaur.

It's a raptor.

Merry Christmas, kids.

(barks)

Merry Christmas, brother.

Thank you, brother. Merry Christmas.

Hey.

♪ I am a poor boy, too, ba-rum-ba-pum-pum ♪

Buddy!

♪ I have no gift to bring, ba-rum-ba-pum-pum ♪

Now those two kids just showed me something.

It was the first unselfish thing I ever saw them do.

Maybe there's hope for them yet.

Maybe.

VANESSA: Can we talk to you?

Do y'all have to?

No, we just wanted to give you a real gift.

And to say thank you for everything you've done.

This ain't no trick, is it?

Just open the gift.

-You smell something burning? -No.

Ooh, Wanda. Wanda.

This is beautiful.

We replaced the one that Buddy ripped up.

This one's shinier.

How about that, boy.

For the first time since they been here,

those kids showed gratitude.

But I don't expect it to last.

But it was the greatest Christmas gift I ever had.

And all because of that little, bitty old dog.

Kids, it's some kind of special. Thank you.

It was my idea.

No, it wasn't.

-It was. -It was not.

-It was. -Hey, man,

you don't argue with your sister, man.

You're the man of the house.

Merry Christmas, baby.

What do you mean your job is done?

Will I ever see you again?

(groans)

Okay, Buddy, I understand.

I'll always remember you.

I love you, too.

You know something?

Maybe Bryana was right.

Maybe Buddy is a Christmas angel.

You know why I think so?

Because...

Because...

See, the thing is...

What was I saying, America?

I completely blanked out for a minute.

Something about my buddy.

This some good eggnog.

Merry Christmas.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

That was no accident.

That girl is going back to the projects.

Calm down, Bernie... calm down.

Maybe I'm making too much of it. Maybe I am.

You know, they just need to vent a little anger, okay?

I'm sure they'll be ready to be little angels again.

Just relax, Bernie.

This wasn't no accident.

Relax.

I'm relaxed.

She did it...