Original subtitles

(everyone arguing and yelling)

Sanctuary.

How y'all doin'?

You know, look, I'm supposed to be a comedian,

and I'm living in tragedy.

See, I'm taking care of my sister's kids,

you know, until she get out of rehab.

You know, they're my guests,

but they act like they live here.

You know, guests are supposed to be polite.

Guests don't want to be a bother.

I know what I'm talking about,

'cause, see, I'm the perfect guest.

You think about it, America.

Every week, you invite me into your home.

By the way, I want to say thank you.

I tell a few jokes, and I'm out!

Total time: 21 minutes, tops!

But see, the point is, I don't overstay my welcome.

See, we got a saying in show business:

"You always leave them wanting more."

Now, those kids...

they don't leave me wanting more.

Somebody been using my toothbrush.

Oh, that was Bryana.

Bryana has a toothbrush.

It got Barney all on it.

Yes, well, she saw

her Aunt Wanda brushing her teeth

with the big people's toothbrush, so...

What did you do?

I brushed my teeth with a big people brush,

and now I have big teeth.

See?

She was so cute, I couldn't stop her.

Well, she wasn't going to use mine.

Let it soak.

They think this some kind of hotel,

and everything in it is complimentary.

Need soap? Try Bernie's.

It's complimentary.

And why not use Bernie's dental floss?

It's provided for your convenience.

And, last but not least,

please feel free to use Bernie's toilet,

because it's sanitized for your protection.

Thanks, Uncle Bernie.

What?

No, boy, don't flush it!

(screaming)

(whimpering)

You seen my Sports Action magazine?

You seen my Sports Action magazine

with the football player preview on the cover?

My door was shut.

-Have you seen it? -No.

I see you settling right on in.

You making yourself right at home, huh, Nessa?

You got your pictures up. Look at that.

Posters of Kobe Bryant.

You like Kobe Bryant?

-He's all right. -He's all right?

Shoot, he more than all right

with those Jordan-like moves!

Pair of legs... Oh!

He lay the ball up!

Boy, look at that! Bam!

I knew it.

That's what you get

when you try to fake out Bernie Mac.

You get schooled!

Tell me I didn't see it.

Look at this.

This was a collector's edition.

But does she care?

Hell, no!

I don't get no, "May I, please?"

Or "Can I borrow it?"

Everything complimentary.

Theirs for the taking.

This doesn't belong to her. Who does it belong to?

Me. Bernie Mac.

This is Hotel Bernie

where kids check in, but they don't check out.

Now, you hold on, America.

I wouldn't say kids were like cockroaches.

I wouldn't do that.

But I'll just compare the two species,

and you make the call.

First of all, both pests get into your food.

Who touched my Famous Amos?!

Both pests get under your feet.

(screams)

Damn it!

(screaming)

Both scatter when you turn the lights on.

Yeah, I got you with the goods!

Yeah, yeah, I got you!

Stop touching my Famous Amos!

Yes, see, what we have here is infestation of kids.

They're small, but if not careful,

those kids could spread all over the house.

But, see, I'm lucky.

Early detection is the key to containment.

Now, see, all I have to do now is just draw the line.

Okay we're done with that.

Now we're moving on to Marshmallow Puff.

Now, you see this, kids?

Look. I'm going to draw a new line.

See that? Look at that line right there.

Now, let me explain something to you.

Y'all can eat all the Marshmallow Puff you want,

down to this line but you get down to this line--

Bernie's Puff. No more Puff.

That's enough Puff. You done had enough Puff.

You can eat all the Puff you want.

After that, Bernie's Puff.

Now peanut butter, that's a little different.

Look at all the peanut butter you got.

I don't care about peanut butter that much.

When you get down to that line right there,

it's Bernie's butter.

This is yours. Below line--Bernie's butter.

Now, let me explain this to you.

This is kind of tricky.

Root beer--little different.

Bernie drinks all the root beer he wants to

till he gets to this line.

Below that line,

I don't care no more because it loses its fizz,

and I really don't want it, so I don't care.

You all can drink all you want.

Bernie, what are you doing?

I'm teaching the kids a new system.

Hey, above the line--kids. Below the line--off limits.

-Bernie? -Yes?

-Can I talk to you? -Sure.

Remember: above the line--kids.

Below the line-- off limits. Say it.

I can't believe you!

What?

Those kids are not your roommates.

I know that. Roommates pay rent.

All right. Is this the way you want to play?

Like a child? Fine, let's play.

Until you start treating those kids

like they're welcome here...

below this line-- off limits.

But that's Bernie Mac's Puff!

Taking away what's below the belt,

now that's below the belt.

It's extortion, I tell you, and I'm not having it.

You can't blackmail this black male.

Bernie Mac's strong.

I can hold out.

You watch.

(imitating Wanda) "Below this line..."

Yeah, okay.

Walk with me, Lord.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, America,

and I've come to a revelation:

Those kids aren't my houseguests.

They're my family,

and I think family should be treated like family.

(clears throat)

I saw the error of my ways.

I'm okay.

You don't have to take this walk with me.

I've got faith.

I told you, I can do it, baby.

WANDA: You did good, baby.

(smooches) I've got something for you.

You don't have to get the whole store.

Each of you get one snack. One.

Therefore, everybody have a snack...

Snack, snack, snack, snack...

What's wrong with y'all?

You put this back.

Put that back.

Hold, hold, hold, hold. Mascara--

back.

B, this is not a snack.

I'm going to put juice in it.

You're not going to put nothing in it.

You're going to put it back.

A telescope?

Son, you got to be crazy.

-Put it back. -But I need it!

You need it, son? I didn't appreciate the totality of your argument.

I said put it back.

But I want to see stars!

You going to see stars. Put it back.

(groans)

I don't know what's wrong with you kids.

Listen, we're not here to get toys or telescopes.

We're here to get snacks and snacks only.

You understand that?

Jeez!

I just want to be able to take you kids

to the store without the risk

of having a coronary infarction.

Is that asking too much?

See, your problem is, you all don't know the value...

Hi, baby.

...of a dollar.

That's okay.

Uncle Bernie's going to teach you.

So, therefore, I've decided

to give you all an allowance.

Yay! We get money!

No, baby, you don't "get" money; you earn money by doing chores.

And at the end of the week, you all receive $5.

You can buy whatever you want to buy.

You don't have to ask me or Auntie Wanda for any money.

-Okay. -Now, come on, we got pizza.

Thanks, sweetheart.

Pepperoni, yeah!

Look here, you all going to love this.

I have invented a chore wheel.

Look. See that?

See, B?

It says I got to do the dishes.

That's right, and you got to empty the trash.

I'm allergic to dust.

Okay, well, you take the garbage can to the curb.

Okay.

Uncle Bernie.

Yes, baby?

What can I do?

You make the bed every morning.

Now, listen up. This is very important.

And you promise to give me

one of those pretty smiles every day.

Can you do that for me?

I can do it.

Ah, now, hold on.

You got to save some for tomorrow, okay?

Now give your dish to Vanessa so she can wash it.

Come on. Come on now.

(groaning)

It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

It's going to be all right.

We got a system. (chuckling)

♪♪

♪ Hard work ♪

♪ Hard work ♪

♪ Hard work ♪

♪ Hard work ♪

♪ Hard work ♪

♪ Hard work ♪

♪ Hard work ♪

Ugh!

♪ Hard work ♪

Good job, baby.

$20 for you.

One, two, three, four, five, for you.

$5 for you.

What's wrong with you?

Oh... Give me that.

Here.

WANDA: Bernie! Bernie, get up!

Get up. Hmm? The garbage truck is here.

-So? -So?

So, no one took the cans out!

What?!

Oh, doggone it!

Jordan! Jordan!

Why didn't you take the garbage out?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

That's how you get your allowance, son!

Don't you want your allowance?

I want mine.

BERNIE: Look at this room!

Like a pigsty in here.

What's that smell?

What's this?

Mmm! Booty.

Let me see what else you all ain't done around here.

Where's that chore wheel?

That got thrown out while we were cleaning.

-You threw it out? -Yeah. We did all the stuff on the chore wheel.

But you only did it once.

You all supposed to do this every day.

Well, you should have told us.

It's hard for me to tell y'all anything right now.

I'm getting weak up in here from the smell.

Y'all get up and start cleaning

this room up right now. Come on.

Don't make no doggone sense.

Get up! Clean it up!

-Here. -No, no, no, no.

What you mean, "No, no"?

No, you didn't.

Uh-uh-uh.

You sit right there, uh.

Jordan, where did you get this from?

I'm going to ask you one more time:

Where did you get this from?

From you!

I didn't give you no money to buy this.

-Yes, you did. -When?!

Did you say you wanted Proventil or the generic inhaler?

What's the difference?

Well, the generic is only $8.

Generic.

I can't believe you, Jordan.

You little sneak!

-Jordan, did you really? -Uh-oh!

This funny?

You're in big troubles, young man.

I mean, big trouble.

-You can't punish him. -You watch and see if I don't.

You just mad 'cause he played you.

Let me tell you something right now.

The boy didn't "play" me; he stole from me.

Let's call it the way it is .

The boy stole.

You sit right there until I figure out how to punish you.

You all get out. Out!

I'm disappointed in you, Jordan.

Look here, America.

You think I want to punish the boy?

I don't want to punish the boy, but I have to.

That child got to learn right from wrong.

I'm going to be honest with you.

It's going to hurt me a lot more

than it's going to hurt him.

All right, that's bull. But you know what?

The punishment ball is rolling.

My hands are tied.

I don't know, Bernie.

No TV for a month?

Aren't you coming down a little hard on him?

The boy stole from me, baby.

What you propose I do?

I don't know.

How would your father have punished you?

My father?

He'd probably use a non- confrontational approach.

Babe, I know it ain't working here.

Why not?

Because I'm not walking out on you and them kids.

What's done is done.

I made my decision.

(sighs)

That's right, let it get good and cold,

'cause you're gonna finish every bite.

You could have at least

given Jordan dessert before you sent him to his room.

The boy should have bought some cookies

when he went on that spending spree.

He did.

What did you say?

Nothing, warden.

You can go in the room and join him.

Better than listening to you.

Don't walk away from me, Nessa.

Nessa!

Fine! You just keep right on walking.

You go right up in there with your brother

and stay with him, Nessa.

I'm about sick of this. I'm glad this happened.

Time for me and you to get it on.

What... where's Jordan?!

Baby girl, find your brother

and tell him I say get his skinny butt down here

right now.

And now back to you.

I hate it here!

You ain't got to stay here, Nessa.

Ain't nobody keeping you.

You can leave. Matter of fact, I'll help you.

You know?! Where you want to go?

Monte Carlo? Saint Tropez?

You better pack real heavy,

'cause I heard it get real chilly down there.

I don't understand you kids.

I gave y'all everything.

That ain't enough. Y'all want it all.

-Uncle Bernie? -What?!

I can't find Jordan.

I looked everywhere.

Baby...

I looked in the cellar. He's not there.

Bernie, look. He left his medicine.

Uncle Bernie, is Jordan gone?

No, he's around, baby. He's around.

We'll go look for him.

He's only been gone ten minutes.

He can't be gone that far. He...

Come on, come on.

Is this my fault?

Was I too hard on him?

Oh, Lord.

What was I thinking, punishing the boy like that?

He can't live without TV.

He's just a boy, just a child.

Why didn't you stop me, America?

You know I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm new at this.

Don't worry about it, babe.

We're gonna find him. We're gonna find him.

I bet you that take all night.

Don't worry, baby, we're gonna find him.

Nessa, I need you to think

of where your brother could be.

-I don't know. -Think, Nessa! Doggone, think!

Hey, I'm not the one who made him leave.

He the one stole! I didn't make him leave nowhere!

Stop it, you two. This isn't helping.

Right, Nessa. This ain't helping.

Sorry, guardian.

She called me a guardian.

I deserve it.

The girl's right.

But I know one thing...

I'll tell you later.

I gotta go find that boy.

♪♪

♪ Hush now child ♪

♪ And don't you cry ♪

♪ Your folks might understand you ♪

♪ By and by ♪

♪ Just move on up ♪

♪ Toward your destination ♪

♪ Though you may find ♪

♪ From time to time ♪

♪ Complication ♪

♪♪

♪ Bite your lip ♪

♪ And take a trip ♪

♪ Though there may be wet road ahead ♪

♪ And you cannot slip ♪

(no audio)

♪ Just move on up ♪

♪ For pease you'll find ♪

♪ Into the steeple of beautiful people... ♪

I never, never meant for none of this to happen.

-You know that, baby. You know that. -I know.

I love all of you kids.

I mean, every last one.

If anything happened to one of y'all, I'll die.

There's something on the roof.

What?

Baby, that's Jordan! He's on the roof!

Jordan!

What's he holding?

Sweet Lord.

Jordan! I know Uncle Bernie been hard on you, son,

but please, don't take it out on the neighborhood!

Baby, that boy got a rifle.

It's a telescope.

What?

Jordan... Jordan.

Son.

What you doing up here?

You got us worried sick about you.

I wanted to see it.

I can't.

I can't see it.

You can't see what?

The Sears Tower.

Sears Tower?

That's in Chicago.

I know.

I wanted to see home.

Home?

Oh, Jordan.

You wanted to see your real home.

You miss your mom.

(voice cracking) How about that?

All this time I'm thinking how spoiled those kids are,

taking whatever they want...

never realizing that what they really want

is to be back in the projects.

Isn't that the most... stupid thing you ever heard?

Oh, those beautiful, stupid kids.

I love 'em.

You know, Jordan...

I know sometime...

you miss your mom,

but your mom needs you to be here right now.

(sobs)

And I know sometimes, man,

I make you feel like you're in the way.

And that's wrong, Jordan.

As long as you're here,

I want you to feel like you're at home.

'Cause, see, we family.

And family need to be at home.

Do you understand?

Come on, son.

Let's go inside.

Can I watch TV?

Yeah, you can watch TV.

Why wouldn't you be able to watch TV?

Y'all thought he had me, didn't you?

(chuckles)

You'll never know.

Be careful.

Doggie, doggie, doggie. Doggie, doggie, doggie.

Ow.

What's wrong?

It's cold.

It's ice cream.

(no audio)

Duh.

Well, there you have it, America.

I don't know what to say.

Oh, baby.

What's that for?

For finding my brother.

Oh, Nessa, come here.

I gotta go.

I ain't gonna never understand that child.

Never.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

No, boy, don't flush it. No! No!

(screams)

JORDAN: (laughing)

No, boy, don't flush it.

No! No! No!

(screams)

(moaning and muttering)

(whimpers)