Original subtitles

(imitating Alfred Hitchcock) Hello, there, and good evening.

(normal voice) How y'all doing?

Because I'm fine, thanks for asking.

Everything is going good with the kids.

Listen, I'm not going to even front.

Everything is great.

I am the glue that holds the family together.

Y'all know the story.

Y'all know about my sister, had a little problem with drugs.

I'm taking care of her kids till she get herself together.

Y'all know about it. Ain't no big secret.

Now, I bet y'all thought those crumb-snatchers

was going to run all over me by now.

Well, you were wrong.

What? You don't believe me?!

Check it out.

Stop looking at me and check it out!

Here you go, baby girl.

Uncle Bernie, where's my backpack?

On the kitchen table, son,

and your lunch is right next to it. I got you, I got you.

Did you remember my apple?

Baby, it's cut, quartered,

and Ziplocked, right there.

Uncle Bernie, you forgot to refill my asthma medicine.

Uh-uh--your ear cream is inside, too.

You got to apply it twice a day.

Aw, it smells funny.

Ain't nobody going to smell your ear, boy.

Here, sweetie.

It's pizza day.

I'll need another dollar.

It's taco day, senorita-- taco day.

(chuckling)

Try to get the Mac man.

Adios, amigos!

I got this.

-Hey, baby. -Hey, baby.

You want some breakfast?

Oh, honey, I don't have time.

Oh, I set up a play date for Jordan this afternoon.

A play date?

Yeah. It's Cameron, my senior VP's son.

Why are you just now telling me?

I'm sorry, baby. I've just been so busy with work.

You mess with my plans.

Did you have something planned?

Yes, I had something planned.

I planned on going with the flow,

and a play date messes with my flow,

and you clogging up my flow, you know?

Oh.

Oh.

Just for me?

It ain't that easy, baby.

I know, baby.

Jordan, I want you and Cameron

either to play in your room or outside

'cause I cleaned this whole house up today,

and I don't want y'all running in and out like maniacs, okay?

Okay.

Hi, Bernie. I'm Tracy, and this is Cameron.

-Hi, Cameron. -Get your finger out of your nose.

(kids screaming)

Hi, I'm Carrie.

Allison, we do not throw plums.

That's Allison--she's mine-- and this is Joy,

Brian, Randy, Jeff and Teri.

Oh, Lord.

Brian and Joy belong to Renee.

Inside voices! Inside voices!

Please tell me you have Valium.

Uh...

Hi.

Hi. Tracy, listen, Wanda just told me

that Cameron was coming by hisself.

Oh, no, no. I told Wanda I was bringing the whole gang.

I'm really sorry.

That's okay; she just didn't tell me.

That's all right.

My husband does that to me all the time.

Did she at least tell you

about the company picnic this Saturday?

Company picnic?

Uh-huh--same thing.

What am I going to do with a house full of women?

I'm a man! Bernie Mac's a man's man!

TRACY: Oh, what a gorgeous crystal bowl!

Hey! Don't touch...!

I'll be right back.

I love, love this house.

Wanda's got such impeccable taste.

Actually, sweetheart, I designed all of this.

What? Get out!

No, no, I did, I did.

I picked out the tile, the cabinets,

the whole nine yards-- everything.

Ha-ha! I forgot you're a comedian.

He's pulling our leg.

Ha-ha! "Picked out the tile"--hilarious.

I'm serious!

Come here, come here, look at this.

You see this?

I know a cat downtown, about this high.

This guy speaks no English.

You come in, you show him what you got,

he'll make it for you.

Designer look, Target prices.

-No. -No.

Yeah, I'm serious, and you know what, it gets better.

Want to see the rest of the house?

-My God, yes. -Come on.

I just didn't want boring terra cotta in here.

I needed more color, so I went with the Santa Fe feel.

More old school to offset the new school.

My husband wouldn't know terra cotta

if it hit him in the face.

Wow!

I used to draw when I was a little boy.

Now, this room, this is my favorite 'cause I like the colors.

I wanted something real different; you know what I mean?

Uncle Bernie, we need food!

-Excuse me? -Please?

All right, I'll whip you cats up something to eat.

Oh, no, no. we'll feed the kids when we get them home.

No, no, it's no problem.

Y'all like quesadillas?

You're just going to whip up quesadillas?

I sure will.

Uncle Bernie has to give me soy cheese,

because regular cheese gives me diarrhea.

Aw, that is so thoughtful.

No, actually, I do it for myself.

Baby girl, she's little, but she's deadly.

-(laughter) -All right...

Come on, ladies, what you think?

Fabulous.

It's really good.

What's your secret?

Well, it's an old family recipe,

and if I tell you, I got to kill you.

BERNIE: (laughing wildly)

Good afternoon, Vanessa.

Hey.

Teenagers--

would it kill them to be civil?

I've got two,

and I'll be honest, sometimes I just want to...

Bust their head till the white meat shows.

That's great! Can I use that?

You sure can.

ALL: Bust their head till the white meat shows.

Oh, yeah.

If that don't work, hit them in the throat.

(laughing harder)

No, don't really hit them in the throat.

Beat them in their sleep.

(raucous laughter)

Kick... pow!

Kick them that extra point. Good!

(shrieking laughter)

♪♪

Ladies, I just don't know how to describe it.

It was peace.

I mean serene peace.

My heart just fell wide open.

My soul was laid bare, and ladies, I knew--

I swear to God I knew--

I found my wife.

I knew I was in love.

-Another margarita? -(sighs)

-Yeah. -No more.

I'm having a great time with y'all today.

I really am.

You wouldn't believe my day!

Oh, hey!

You have got the greatest husband.

Really, he is quite the man.

Thank you.

I know. Baby, I'm famished.

Oh, did I tell you the whole gang was coming today?

No kidding?

Honey, if you weren't going to cook,

you should have called.

I would have picked something up.

Just like my husband.

Later.

See you.

See you at the picnic.

Honey, did I tell you about the picnic?

I don't know. Did you?

Can we go?

Drop it like it's hot.

-Can we still go? -Yeah, I want to go.

Oh, I see the guys from my division.

Honey, you sure you got the kids?

I got them--go ahead. Do your thing.

Tie your shoe up, son.

Hey, there's Cameron!

I'm going to go play.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Stay where I can see you, Jordan!

And don't go past the trash can!

And don't play in the trash can!

I need your keys. I'm going to wait in the car.

Oh, no, you're going to stay right here,

pretend you're having a good time, baby.

Hey, don't you go to Baja Vista?

All right, I guess I'll stay.

Yeah, all right.

TRACY: Hey, Bernie! Over here!

Hey, hey!

ALL: Bust your head till the white meat shows!

(laughter)

Y'all been drinking without me?

Thank you, baby.

When are we getting together again?

You make the call-- just give me notice,

I'll send the kids to the pound.

Put them to sleep.

Mm-mm, that's your last one.

You done had enough, girl.

I'll take that.

Bernie! Hey, Tracy.

-Hey, baby. -Hey, how you doing?

This is Marshall, my boss.

This is Greg, I'm his boss,

and David; we're up for the same job.

What's up, David?

So, I finally get to meet

the man behind this great lady.

Aw... I wouldn't say behind nobody, man.

I think me and her are more side by side.

Now, if she want me to get behind, I'll get behind.

Drop it like it's hot.

Bernie, that's my boss.

-Yeah. -So, Bernie...

I understand that you're a stay-at-home dad.

I have to tell you, I really admire that.

I ain't no stay-at-home dad.

Now, my kids, they stay-at-home kids,

'cause I let them stay at home, get it?

(laughter)

I see. Yeah, Wanda told me that you're a comedian.

Well, I think that's just great.

You know, I wish my Tracy had an outlet like that.

I don't really have an outlet; I got a successful career.

-Listen, you want to talk about career, my friend? -Uh-huh.

Your wife is on the fast track-- oh, yeah.

If she keeps going the way she's going,

you'll be able to give up this whole stand-up comedy thing,

and you know, stay home. Be a stay-home dad, huh?

(laughter)

-You think so? -Yeah!

-You got it figured out? -Sure!

You might be right, you might be right.

Look, I'm going to get me some beef.

Let y'all talk. Okay?

Stay-at-home dad, right over there.

What's going on here, America?

Bernie Mac ain't no apron-wearing, stay-at-home,

Betty Crocker-baking, Susie homemaker...

What the hell is this?

Who been eating Cheetos in my chair?!

I just cleaned this whole doggone place...

Hold on, hold on, hold on, now, hold on.

This don't make me less of a man

because I like things neat and tidy, America, no, it don't.

Y'all getting the wrong impression about Bernie Mac.

Y'all not seeing the real me.

Stop, Bryana, stop!

Yeah, Mrs. Bailey gives way too much homework.

I know, and why does she wear

-the same blue dress every day? -Yeah.

Hey, are you going to go to the '70s dance tomorrow night?

I don't know, maybe.

Come on, you have to be there.

All right, I'm going as Superfly.

I got the hat, the long coat, everything.

Who you coming as?

It's a surprise.

Surprise? Okay. All right.

I'll find you. You are coming, right?

Yeah.

It's not an outlet, man.

He don't know nothing about me, man.

People out here in L.A., they're crazy.

Excuse me, Mr. Mac?

Yes.

I overheard you talking to the guys,

and I just want to say thank you.

For what?

For sticking up for us stay-at-home dads.

Those men over there, they just don't get it.

See, they go to offices, but we go to work,

and I'm not ashamed to say I love my kids,

my wife, my house, my garden,

my arts and crafts.

It doesn't make me any less of a man.

Hey, you want to get together sometime?

No.

Hell, no!

Bernie Mac is 100% real man!

Yes, sirree, Bob, baby.

100% man!

Smell the "tostesterone" up in here.

Smell it!

I can smell it!

And I can feel it, too!

I can feel gum.

Who in the hell put gum...

Somebody put gum under my chair!

I'm going to kill somebody up in here, tonight!

You watch!

Jordan, I'm going to knock the fire off this ball, man,

and I want you to take off running, you hear?

You can do it, you can do it.

Yes, sir!

Man coming up now! You know that don't you.

Huh?!

Hey, centerfield, get back!

-Go Bernie. -Get back!

Get all the way back!

Keep on going, the police will stop you.

Pitching to a man, now!

Yeah, come on!

Come on up here!

Son!

Put the ball right here, put the ball right here!

-Right here! -I'm trying, okay?!

Try harder!

Hey, ease up, Bern, ease up!

He ain't got no business out there

if he don't know what he's doing!

Tired of this. Don't give me no foolishness.

I'll show you. There!

(crowd cheering)

(crowd booing)

(yelling)

Safe!

Get off me!

Boom, took him out, didn't I?

I can't believe how you acted out there.

I work with those people.

I can't believe you going around telling people

I'm some kind of Martha Stewart.

Martha Stewart?

Oh, honey, she could never do what you do.

You are Martha Stewart times ten.

Oh, baby...

I didn't mean it like that.

Where you going?

You don't ask a man where he going.

Where you going?

I love you.

I got to find Bernie Mac.

I got to get Bernie Mac back.

I don't like what I've become.

I need to go to the one place where they understand me.

Speak my language.

WOMAN: (speaking Korean)

I guess you're right.

Sure I'm right.

You're a strong black man, Bernie Mac.

Damn right.

Right, Papa Kim?

Hmm. Bernie Mac proud black man, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Bernie Mac, what you doing in a nail salon?

Now, hold on, now.

America, keeping your nails and skin up is no woman thing.

Not at all. Not at all.

Now, let's not forget

that Bernie Mac is a public personality... An entertainer.

It ain't just an outlet.

I have to look good.

Got to keep my game nice and tight.

Bernie Mac don't wake up looking like this.

See, Mama Kim's is where I relax.

I've been going to Mama Kim's for years.

They're like family... like you and me, America.

They help me focus on my thoughts;

see things more clearly.

Oh, yeah... oh, yeah.

Take care of myself.

Mama Kim, can I ask you a question?

I don't know why Asian girls are all into black men.

They like the bling-bling.

No, no, no, no...

Mama Kim, I want to know

how can I get people to see the real Bernie Mac?

I mean Bernie Mac the man.

Don't worry about other people, Bernie Mac.

Just be yourself.

That's all you can do.

Just be Bernie Mac.

And they are right.

Just be Bernie Mac.

Doggone... and Bernie Mac ain't going to be nobody's mama.

That's for damn sure.

(chuckles)

Yeah... right.

♪ This is a man's world ♪

(poker chips clicking)

♪ This is a man's world ♪

♪ But it wouldn't be nothing ♪

♪ Nothing... ♪

Brother Bernie...

are you going to fold, or what?

Huh?

Fold?

Hell, no. I ain't going to fold

or fluff or iron or pre-wash.

And I'm not going to soak fine washables no more, either.

I'm tired.

How about playing? You going to play?

Hey, man, Bernie Mac don't play.

Uncle Bernie, I need you to put in my ear cream.

Go ask Aunt Wanda, Jordan.

She's still at the store.

All right, come here.

Which ear giving you the problem?

This one.

Bye!

Ow.

Ow.

Ow...

I'm tired, man.

Every time I turn around, man...

Uncle Bernie, I'm thirsty.

Can you get me something to drink?

Baby girl, go in the kitchen and pour yourself some juice.

But I might spill it.

If you spill, you got a cleaning job to do.

Now get. Go.

Okay.

Every time I turn around,

the kids come asking me.

You know... I'm not their mama, man.

Uh, Bernie...

What?

What?

I want to ask you a question.

No, you don't. You want... Y'all hear that?

Vanessa want to ask me a question.

Can you believe it?

Never mind.

No, no, no, no.

'cause I want to hear this. I want to hear it.

Okay, do you...

Do you think this looks '70s?

70 what?

My costume for the '70s dance.

Oh. Who you dressed as?

It's stupid.

I'm supposed to be Jackee from That 70's Show.

You know, where she does the thing,

and then she has the other thing, and then the other thing,

and, you know, that thing?

What '70s show?

That 70's Show.

Do you mean Jackee from 227?

Wasn't that in the '80s?

Yeah, that's in the '80s. Yeah.

I'm not even going to go.

(all muttering)

Man, I wasn't going to say nothing, but that outfit was whack.

You not going to help her out?

No, I'm not going to help her out.

Vanessa already think she grown. She on her own.

I should help her out, man; I ruled the '70s.

W.B.: What you mean, you ruled the '70s?

Man, I put the "P" in P-funk.

Hey, I should help the girl out.

You put the pee in your pajamas.

You were four in the '70s, man.

I'll help her.

Back in the day I was the pop-lock king.

She's needing advice from the pro.

Sit down, brother man, sit back down.

If anybody going to help my niece, it's going to be me.

I ran the '70s.

I was the first one to get up on the down stroke.

I'm the one that told Earth, Wind they need to pick up Fire.

I talked to Kool about getting the Gang.

It was me who went to James Brown about the J.B.

You know, 'cause I was one of them, baby.

-I was all up in there, boy. -(doorbell rings)

This is my house, and I live here.

VANESSA: Tell them I'm not going.

She's going.

She'll be a few minutes.

Come on. Come on. You look pretty.

Baby.

Hey...

Come on.

Bernie, be nice.

Be nice.

♪ Sittin' here, eatin' my heart out waitin' ♪

♪ Waitin' for some lover to call ♪

♪ Dialed about a thousand numbers lately ♪

♪ Almost rang the phone off the wall ♪

♪ Lookin' for some hot stuff, baby, this evenin' ♪

♪ I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight ♪

♪ I want some hot stuff, baby, this evenin' ♪

♪ Gotta have some hot stuff ♪

♪ Gotta have some lovin' tonight ♪

♪ Hot stuff ♪

♪ I need hot stuff ♪

♪ I want some hot stuff ♪

♪ I need hot stuff ♪

(instrumental break)

(laughing and joking)

Oh, there's Bernie.

Hey, hey, hey.

I got skills.

Hold on. Hold on.

Men, boys and girls,

introducing...

part of my heart...

my niece, Coffee.

Come on, baby, come on.

Come on, you look beautiful. Come on.

Come on, y'all, look at this here.

(cheers)

KELLY: Go on with your bad self, Foxy Mama.

Look like a bag of Skittles.

Yeah, Mami, what your name? What your name?

WANDA: I'm home!

Aunt Wanda, come here.

Ooh, check you out.

Ah! Where'd you get those boots, girl?

He made them.

Honey, you too much.

I'm just being Bernie Mac.

Yeah.

-Let me see. -Come on, guys, let's go.

She look nice, man.

Yeah, right on, brother.

All right, gang, let's go!

Remember, ladies, pretty is as pretty does.

Bobby C. on Rerun, you better watch yourself.

Hey, hey, hey... why don't you get a sweater?

It might get cold.

I'm good, I'm good.

Sweetheart, sweetheart...

remember, if you need anything, Nessa, just call me, you hear?

Okay.

Okay.

Bernie Mac, you're definitely the man.

Oh, baby-- wait, wait, wait.

Vanessa, let me take a picture right quick.

Ooh, baby, I'll get it.

All right, hurry up.

Dang, he's worse than my mother.

I got your mama!

I can't help it.

It's just a part of who Bernie Mac is.

Doesn't mean Bernie Mac isn't a strong man.

What's important is that I know who I am.

Doesn't matter what anybody think.

You remember that.

TRACY: Bernie, come on.

I made a fresh batch.

I'll be right there.

Excuse me.

Still the man.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

(laughing/cackling)

Bernie Mac is 100% real man, baby.

Yes, sir, 100%.

Can you smell the testa... What is it?

WOMAN: (yelling off camera) -Testasterone, test...

Testosterone.

(laughing)

Can you smell the testosterone up in here?

Smell it! Smell the testosterone up in here.

Smell like mendacity.