Original subtitles

♪♪

Ha!

Kick him in the stomach.

Boy, it trips me out

how their body just falls apart like that.

Boy, these video games, I love them.

It's a great way to work off your aggression.

And Bernie Mac got a lot of aggression.

You know Bernie Mac's situation.

My sister, you know, she's taking

a state-sponsored vacation.

You know, she got a little problem with drugs.

Now my wife, Wanda, and I, we're taking care of her kids.

Don't remind me.

Them doggone kids.

I want to tear their doggone head off.

Blast them into a million pieces.

Shut them up for good.

(yells)

Now, hold on a minute.

I know what you're thinking.

Now, you wrong.

Bernie Mac is not a violent man.

This is what Bernie Mac does to relax.

Because in real life,

we don't settle our differences this way.

That would be wrong.

We're not animals.

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: Despite a reputation

for being solitary, wolves are seldom without company.

And when they hunt, they hunt in packs.

Jordan?

Hmm?

What you doing in the house watching TV?

It's beautiful outside.

You think we live in Los Angeles for the culture?

I'm watching the Discovery Channel.

Son, you could watch this crap anytime.

Now, go outside and meet some of the boys.

No, but I want to see what happens.

The lion eats the hyena.

Now, give me this glass

and go outside and enjoy yourself.

Oh.

When I was a young kid, man,

you couldn't get us to stay in no doggone house.

(elephant trumpeting)

(exotic birds cawing)

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: When the wolf pack spies a prospective prey

it moves in unison, cautiously surrounding it,

searching for signs of weakness.

Sensing an opening, the pack works as a unit

to keep the prey confused and off-balance.

When ready to move in for the kill

the first attack is made

by the strongest member of the pack.

This is the alpha wolf.

Okay, hold it right there.

(sobs)

Man, those kids are going to wind up being your best friends.

You watch and see, you watch.

(sobbing)

A fight?

Damn.

Ma'am, was he hurt?

No, no, just tell him I'm on my way.

(school bell rings)

See, the problem is,

Jordan, my nephew, he's small for his age.

And like most small kids where I come from,

they constantly get picked on.

But I'm going to tell you something.

You ain't got to be big to be tough.

You look at one of the all-time boxing greats,

Sugar Ray Leonard.

Over here.

What's up, Ray, baby? How you doing?

Now, my man Ray, he was small, but he was wiry.

He was like those little Japanese cars.

I mean, compact, agile,

built for speed and endurance.

And I can bet you, if someone called him a sissy...

I'd hand him a dollar and make change out of his ass.

(chuckling) Boy...

Let me... I'm excited.

Let's move on. Let's move on.

Now, Ray, seriously speaking,

from a champion's perspective,

how would you assess my nephew's skill?

Bernie, it seems to me that Jordan lacks speed.

Uh-huh.

This man has zero self-confidence.

Hmm...

And he's totally lacking

in the fundamentals that make a great fighter.

I mean, he-he's a loser.

So, he definitely going to get his ass whooped, huh?

Oh, I would seriously consider home schooling.

Jordan says that he's sick

and doesn't want to go to school tomorrow.

Is something going on with him?

Hmm, baby, don't worry about it.

I'll take care of it, okay?

But I don't want to learn how to fight.

Well, you're going to learn how to fight.

Get up. Quit being so difficult.

But I'm working on my magic tricks.

Give me that doggone magic trick.

What you going to do when somebody starts picking on you?

You going to disappear?

But I don't want to...

Well, you have to.

Now listen.

The first thing you need to know about defending yourself

is to avoid a fight in the first place.

Now, what I mean by that, man,

if somebody starts picking on you,

you got to show you can take it.

You got to come right back and start picking on them.

How do I do that?

Well, uh, you can start by insulting their mama.

What if I don't know his mama?

We're talking about universal mamas here, Jordan.

It applies to all mamas. You got to be inventive.

Doggone, now, Jordan.

If you start hitting on somebody's mama,

you got to hit him where it hurt.

Go for the jugular.

If their mama's fat, you got to say something like

"Yo mama's so fat, I poured

a half a cup of water in the bathtub

and when she sat down, it overflowed."

-(chuckles) -Uncle Bernie, that's mean.

What if I like his mama?

You don't know his mama, Jordan.

How you going to like somebody you don't know?

What if his mama's dead?

Jordan, your mama being dead ain't got nothing to do with it.

What you doing talking about if their mama dead for?

Look here...

Forget about it.

Okay? Forget about it.

We're going to move on.

We'll go to Plan B.

Acting crazy.

(lion roaring)

JORDAN: (yelling)

BERNIE: (growling)

No!

JORDAN: (gasps)

Relax, relax. Jordan, Jordan.

It's just whipped cream. I'm trying to make a point.

See, you got to make people think you're crazy.

Don't nobody mess with you when you foaming.

(panting)

Jordan, listen, listen, listen.

You got to get loud. You got to act weird.

Somebody get in your face, you got to make them think

like you, like you crazy.

How?

By your body language,

your voice, man, you got to...

When people step to you, , say, "You better back off."

"You better back off."

Well, no, listen to my voice, man.

"Don't mess with me, man."

"Don't mess with me, man."

-"I don't play." -"I don't play."

-"You better back off." -"You better back off."

-"Don't mess with me, man." -"Don't mess with me, man."

-"I don't..." -"I don't play."

"Don't mess with me, man."

-"You better back off." -"You better back off."

-"I don't play." -"I don't play."

-"Back off." -"Don't mess with me."

"Get back!"

(both growling)

"Don't mess with me, man.

"I don't play.

"You better back off.

"I don't play.

Don't mess with me, man..."

That's a dead boy walking right there.

Bernie, teaching that boy that violence

is the answer is just wrong.

Sweetheart, I'm not teaching that boy no violence.

I'm trying to give him some schoolyard diplomacy.

Give him some tactics, man, to keep him from fighting.

Baby, I know you.

What you mean by that? You...

You know that boy needs something, Wanda.

-He's soft. -He is not soft.

-He is. -Jordan is a gentle soul.

He doesn't like fighting. He likes magic tricks.

What is with these doggone magic tricks, man?

That's what happened to Houdini.

That's how he died.

He got his ass kicked over there at the magic shop.

The man hit him in the doggone stomach.

If he knew some "yo mama" jokes, he might still be alive today.

JORDAN: (wailing)

(clears throat)

I wish I knew some magic.

-Poof! -Mm-hmm.

(sobbing)

What? What? Jordan!

She took it.

If it's your car, take it back.

She took it! She took it!

Jordan, Jordan, Jordan, listen to me.

Come on now, come on.

You mean to tell me, after everything I showed you,

you can't take a toy car from a four-year-old girl?

She's four years old. Now relax.

Do what I showed you.

Don't mess with me! I don't play!

Hey, give it back.

(sobs)

-Punk. -(sobbing)

Oh, Lord.

Ray, the boy's real soft, I mean, soft.

He's like liquid, you know.

He needs more than fundamentals.

He needs something like divine intervention.

And that's where I come in.

I was teaching my nephew a few playground moves, man,

in case he get in trouble.

First thing I taught him is,

if somebody mess with you, you pick up some sand,

then you throw it in their face.

Then you take off running.

That always worked for me when I was little.

You know, or you can improvise, especially

if you're around some objects.

Let me see that book.

This one here?

That's this book that I was reading.

See? Look, I'm reading, casually minding your business.

(whistles) Somebody come at you...

Bam!

Hit him right in the throat, right in the throat.

Drop the book and start running.

Boy, oh, boy, I was dangerous when I was little, Ray.

I'll tell you. Now, now, Ray, be honest with me.

The few techniques that I just showed you and the people,

what do you think my nephew's chances are right now?

Don't get too attached to the boy.

He's still going to have trouble?

Yes. Big trouble.

Hey, why'd you do that?

'Cause it's ugly... Like you.

Stop.

Stop!

What are you going to do, cry, baby?

No, no, but... But yo mama cried when you were born.

(booing)

(kids laughing)

Look at that little sissy.

Ow, my eye.

Sorry, Byron.

(gasping)

♪ I don't know karate ♪

♪ But I know crazy ♪

♪ Yes, we do ♪

♪ You get ready ♪

♪ For the big payback ♪

♪ Hit it... ♪

I don't play! I don't play!

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ I don't know karate ♪

♪ But I know crazy ♪

♪ Yes, we do ♪

♪ Huh... ♪

I don't play!

How'd it go today, son?

Okay.

Anybody pick on you?

No. Nobody.

I just did what you told me and acted like you.

Now, nobody bothers me.

(to himself) My boy.

You know what I'm saying!

Guess who had a good day in school today, baby?

Little Harry Potter himself.

And his magic tricks.

The boy managed to conjure up some self-confidence.

I told you, baby.

All the boy had to do

was go to school and act like Bernie Mac.

And I bet nobody'd mess with him.

I told him that.

He did it, too.

Baby? What?

Hello?

Who?

Yeah, this is Bernie Mac.

Ho-Hold on, hold on, hold on.

How you know your son wasn't picking on him?

And he wasn't defending himself?

No, I ain't calling you no liar.

But I'm saying you do sound a little hot-tempered right now.

And if your son act anything the way you acting right now,

I can... Hello?

Uh...

Hate people that trip.

They be calling the wrong number and tripping.

Come on, heads up.

Hey! I was listening.

Jordan, I want you to listen.

And listen well, because I'm only

going to ask you this one time.

Did you pick a fight in school today?

No.

Because I just got off the phone

with the father of the boy who said you did.

I didn't start it. He was picking on me.

So, you were sticking up for yourself, right?

-Mm-hmm. -You're not lying to me,

-are you, son? -Uncle Bernie, I promise.

I'm not lying to you.

He's lying. He's lying through his flippin' teeth.

It's to be expected. The boy's a bad seed.

Hey, hey, Father Cronin...

I don't believe that.

I mean, Jordan's just too soft to lie to my face.

People rarely want to believe their child is the problem.

Don't you think it was hard for the Apostles to believe

that one of their own would betray Christ?

And yet, there he was.

Judas.

Sitting there, eating His body and drinking His blood.

(churchly organ music plays)

Mr. Mac, come take a look see at your own little Judas.

JORDAN: (yelling)

The nuns refer to him as "the Holy Terror."

JORDAN: (wails)

What's got into you, Jordan?

You don't go around picking fights like that.

Who told you to act like that?

You did.

Me? I didn't tell you to act like a little doggone bully.

You told me to act like you.

You saying I'm a bully? I ain't no bully.

-JORDAN: (wails) -I'm going to show you a doggone bully.

(boxing bell dings)

Welcome back.

When you think of boxing's biggest bullies,

you think of men with menacing, icy stares

that could freeze their opponents cold.

Brutes who beat their foes into submission.

Men whose very names struck fear in the hearts of giants.

Men like Sonny Liston, Big George Foreman,

Mike Tyson, Bernie Mac.

These bullies...

Hold on, Ray, Ray. Ray, hold on, now.

What?

-I ain't no bully. -What are you saying?

I'm saying I don't know where you think I'm a bully from.

Well, Bernie, if you check your record out, it's clear.

You've always been a bully.

That's not true. That ain't true.

-Not true? -No.

Okay, let's go to videotape.

CHILDREN: (on TV) ♪ Alouette, gentille alouette ♪

Hey, baby girl. Can I watch TV with you?

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

(sportscast playing)

Hey!

Hey.

(sobs)

Oh, don't cry, Bryana.

Bears are going to win.

Watch, they're going to win.

ANNOUNCER: ...in the passing game, have problems on the run...

What a terrible mismatch.

A heavyweight versus a flyweight.

Picking on a little girl.

I don't want to do this no more, Ray.

And now, the main event

where we profile the series of bouts

between Bernie and his greatest rival,

little "Magic Man" Jordan.

You're not funny.

(bell rings and punches landing)

ANNOUNCER: Down he goes.

I won!

I got the high score.

I beat your record.

J... O...

R... D...

Aw, man! Look what happened.

It just came out. It just came out.

It just came out.

(bell dings)

BERNIE: Get in there, boy, before I throw you in.

JORDAN: I don't want to take a bath.

Shut up!

I don't want to take a...

(splashing)

(bell dings)

Hey, that was my brownie.

No, it wasn't.

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

Yes, it was.

Mm-mmm.

Yes, it was.

Hmm.

It was in a bag with my name on it.

Hmm.

Yeah.

We're family.

I want you to leave.

Okay.

Bully.

I ain't no bully.

I know y'all don't think I'm no bully, do you?

Well, y'all can get out of my house, too.

He lucky he left when he did.

Huh, Sugar! He retired.

He ain't got like that no more.

(chuckles)

He gone, ain't he?

(grunting and groaning)

Jordan, I want to talk to you for a minute.

Move, Uncle Bernie. I don't play.

That's exactly what I want to talk to you about.

Jordan, look. I apologize to you, okay?

Because, first of all, you're right.

I am a bully.

And worse than that, man,

I've been teaching you to be a bully.

That's okay, Uncle Bernie.

It works for me.

Now you can turn on the TV.

Son, you're not listening to me.

I'm trying to teach you that being a bully is wrong.

But I was getting picked on before.

Now nobody picks on me.

I get what I want, and I even get extra stuff.

Look, I took this pen off of Eugene.

It has a naked lady on it, look!

Give me this.

It's not funny.

And this is going back.

And I want you to promise me

that you're going to stop being a bully at school, Jordan.

(whining) Okay.

Don't "okay" me.

Look at me and tell me that you'll stop being a bully.

Okay, Uncle Bernie, I promise.

I won't be a bully at school.

Thank you.

Hey, that's mine.

So? Get another one.

That's the last one.

What is wrong with you?

(groans)

Aunt Wanda, I want to go to the mall.

-Aunt Wanda! -Jordan, honey, I'm on the phone.

Talk later, I want to go to the mall.

What did I just say? No, I...

I said I want to go to the mall.

-Right, that would be nice. -Now, come on!

So, why couldn't that be...?

-I don't play. -Ooh... "I don't play."

Ooh, boy must be out of his mind to talk to me like that.

No, I'm sorry. I'm listening. What...?

Today!

Ooh, oh, my God!

BRYANA: Give it back!

Give me back my Crazy String!

You want your Crazy String back?

You want your Crazy String back?

Yeah!

Here's your Crazy String.

Jordan, no!

No!

Jordan, no!

(yells)

No!

Maybe you can kind of burn it out or something.

What?

Hey, what's going on in there?

It's Jordan. He's terrorizing the whole house.

Look what he did to Bryana.

It won't come out.

You've got to do something, Bernie.

You made this mess. You fix it.

You know what to do.

Vanessa?

We don't really need a brother.

Go ahead. Do your thing.

Wait.

You can't.

(scoffs)

Now, that's the problem, America.

You can beat some of the people some of the time,

but you can't beat your kids.

But see, this is my fault.

I led by bad example, and I created a monster.

Now I have to destroy the monster.

Now, see, with Dracula, you use a wooden stake.

Wolfman, the silver bullet.

And with little boys, you use the belt.

But I've been stripped of my weapons,

so how am I going to protect the villagers?

Bernie Mac doesn't need a belt.

Bernie?

Jordan!

Jordan!

You can't hurt him. What kind of message would that send?

Oh, I'm going to...

I can't find him anywhere.

I don't think he's in the house.

There he is.

Get him, Uncle Bernie.

I'm going to get him, too, baby.

Bernie, it looks like he's going to pick a fight with the kids.

I see it, baby. I see it.

We should stop him.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This just might be the lesson he deserves.

Come on back, come on.

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: Sometimes, when an animal

is wounded, it is at its most dangerous.

Uppercut, Jordan, duck!

Duck! Yeah.

Bernie Mac!

I don't know who's worse, you or...

Jordan, look out. There's one behind you!

Yeah!

(growling)

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: Tasting blood,

an animal's natural instinct is to finish off its prey...

except the human animal, which has a conscience.

(snarling)

Son, I am really proud of you.

Why? I got beat up by a girl.

And you had her down on the ground.

You did the right thing. You stopped yourself.

She looked really afraid.

It made me feel bad.

That's good.

You know what that tells you?

You're not a bully.

Yeah, I guess.

Uncle Bernie?

-Mm-hmm? -I should give Eugene back his pen.

Oh, you think so?

No, son, I think Eugene needs to learn a lesson, too.

You ain't been looking at this, have you?

-(wild birds cawing) -(elephant trumpets)

It's disgusting.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

Hey, want to show me a magic trick?

Okay, um...

Okay, I can make a dollar disappear.

I got a 20. All right, let me see it.

One...

two...

three.

Why, you little...

I'm sorry, America. I did the best I could.

A man got to be who he is.

Jordan!

-Jordan! -(bell rings)

Watch out, watch out. Sister, look out.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Jordan!