Original subtitles

(coughs)

Yeah, I'm sick.

I'm sick as a dog.

I can't even taste my cigar.

You know what?

I didn't even see it coming. How could I?

Man, I ain't been sick in years.

The last time I was sick, the Ohio Players had a hit...

♪ Rollercoaster... ♪

You know? You know?

It's those doggone kids.

Oh, I know what you're saying.

"Bernie Mac, kids so cute and cuddly."

Not to me.

They're nasty, dirty, disease-carrying midgets.

Like rats. Only difference, no tails,

and their teeth not as sharp.

Hey, the only reason I'm talking about them so bad

is because they ruined my plan.

All I wanted to do was to go to Vegas.

(laughing)

Y'all trying to bust, man?

You got kids now.

Bernie, I'm going to bed.

Oh, show time over, babe.

No, no, no. I'm going to bed because I'm tired.

You finish up your game, Mr. Bachelor.

Oh, and when you become a daddy again,

don't forget to mail those invitations

for Bryana's birthday party.

Drop it like it's hot, baby.

-Birthday party? -Yeah.

It's over for you, man.

What you mean by that?

You ain't coming to Vegas.

What?

You got kids with germs

and all kinds of craziness coming in your house.

First of all, man, it ain't even like that, you know?

My immune system got me through the '80s, okay?

And second of all, man, Bernie Mac don't get sick.

Yeah, yeah. Bernie Mac don't get sick.

-Tell 'em, big fella. -Oh, really?

Ten bucks says Super Mac gets sick.

Playing with your life, big buddy?

Whoa, wait a minute.

I got a little action on that.

20 bucks say Bernie Mac don't make it to Vegas because he's sick, huh?

First of all, whoa, whoa.

You always cosign everything this brother say

all the time.

Second of all, it's not even like that.

It's going to be a family thing.

A small... a few of Bryana's friends

going to be over-- that's it. That's all.

Mr. Mac?

Yes?

Hi. Sorry to bother you.

Hi.

Bryana tells me that she's having a party

and that you wouldn't let her invite her whole class.

Bryana, you said that? You rat on me like that?

I didn't say that, ma'am. No, I didn't.

You can't do that.

-Pardon? -See if you invite one child from the class

you have to invite the whole class.

But you knew that, right?

So you're saying that if I invite one child

I have to invite all these germy, nasty, filthy little kids

to the party, right?

(both laughing)

Yeah.

Right, right.

Listen, I took the liberty

of inviting everyone for you, okay?

Hmm. "Took the liberty." Fine. They all can come.

But I'm going to tell you one thing:

If one of those kids cough and doesn't cover their mouth,

I should have the right to pop them upside the head.

Hold on. I didn't say I would do it.

I said I should have the right.

Putting these nasty germs on me.

(tooting)

("Rollercoaster" playing)

And Bryana's told me so much about your Kristin.

We'll have to get together for lunch sometime.

I would love that.

That would be good, yeah.

♪ Rollercoaster ♪

♪ Of love ♪

♪ Say what? ♪

There you go.

(sneezes)

♪ Woo, hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Rollercoaster of love ♪

♪ Rollercoaster ♪

Okay, sweetheart, let me get this right here. Thank you.

I think everybody's ready for cake now, Bernie.

The name is Mr. Mac to you, son, okay?

Say it.

-Mr. Mac. -Thank you.

WANDA: One more, one more, one more!

(all cheering)

♪ Rollercoaster, woo, hoo-hoo-hoo... ♪

Give your girlfriend a high five.

There you go. There you go, Bryana and Lori.

Get it! Get it!

(all cheering)

(all cheering)

♪ Rollercoaster ♪

♪ Say what? ♪

Blow 'em out, baby girl. Blow 'em out.

♪ Rollercoaster, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪

♪ Rollercoaster of love...♪

(kids coughing)

(hacking cough)

(coughing continues)

(gagging)

Oh, Lord, Jesus, no.

-Bernie? -Huh?

-What's wrong? -Baby, don't go in there, please.

-Oh, Bernie. -They got Ebola. I know what's going on.

Come here.

See, they got sick on purpose.

Doing everything they can to keep me from going to Vegas.

Probably was Vanessa's idea.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm, 101.

My poor babies.

Bernie, would you help me here?

Um, yes.

Take your temperature, boy.

-I feel great. -Are you sure?

-Mm-hmm. -Look Bernie, if you're not going to come in

why don't you run Jordan to school,

and I'll stay here with the girls till you get back.

Okay. Come on, boy. Making me miss Regis and Kelly.

-You know I like to watch TV this time of the day. -Sorry.

♪ It's a beautiful morn... ♪

(whistling tune)

JORDAN: Uh-oh.

BERNIE: Oh, what, you forgot something?

JORDAN: (retching)

BERNIE: Oh Lord, Jesus, no!

Jordan, don't lay in it!

Stop laying in it.

I'm talking about 2002 Escalade.

Cadillac.

You be mad, too.

Still had the new car smell and everything.

Plush interior, calf leather seats,

diamond in the back...

you know the rest.

(water running)

That little liar.

Said he didn't eat my pork chop.

That's my boy.

Take it like a man, like a man.

Go ahead, make fun of me.

Say I look silly.

So what?

Sticks and stones may...

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie, I'm cold.

I'll be right back.

Uncle Bernie...

Uncle Bernie, I'm cold.

You ain't cold, boy. That's just your chills

fighting your fever.

Okay.

Yeah, where was I?

Oh, yeah, sticks and stones.

I bet you won't be laughing at me when I be in Vegas

chillin' at the roulette table, I bet you that.

I bet you won't be...

(muffled) Uncle Bernie, you left the thermometer in my mouth.

Hold on one minute.

That's a good look for you.

Actually, I got it from your Aunt Wanda, baby.

If it's any of your business.

Okay, here you go.

Would you tell him to get me a juice?

Uncle Bernie, could you get Vanessa a juice?

I'm sitting right here.

Why didn't you ask me while I was in here a minute ago?

Tell him I wasn't thirsty then.

She says she wasn't thirsty then.

I heard her.

Ask her what did I do to her

to make her talk to me like she do.

What? You can't talk to me directly?

You the one sitting up here talking to your brother.

I'm just messing with you.

Oh, girl, make me sick every doggone day.

You make me sick!

Oh, boy.

JORDAN: Uncle Bernie, I need a cough drop.

VANESSA: And ask him where my juice is.

JORDAN: Where's Vanessa's juice?

A few minutes.

Juice.

JORDAN: Hey, wait, where's my cough drop?

Aw, man.

Oh, no!

(chuckles)

See, I know what you're thinking.

Bernie, why you so dramatic?

Dramatic?

If you've never been to Vegas with the boys,

I can't explain it to you.

Only thing I can say to you-- Viva Las Vegas, baby.

BRYANA : Uncle Bernie, I had a BM and I threw up.

I'm sick of this.

That's most of it.

Now for you...

hop in the tub so I can hose you down.

Ah! Ready for the day, Bernie.

Tongue same color, lymph nodes looking good--

eyes not bloodshot.

Good boy. Good boy.

Who's the man? You're the man.

Strong, healthy, black man.

♪ Da-ah-da-ah ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-ah-da-ah ♪

♪ Time to celebrate ♪

♪ Celebrate ♪

♪ Bernie Mac's going to Vegas ♪

♪ Going to Vegas ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna eat something... ♪

♪ Something healthy? ♪

♪ Hell, no ♪

♪ Da-da-da, da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Cake ♪

♪ Cake ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna eat? ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna eat, something healthy? ♪

♪ Birthday cake. ♪

♪ Rollercoaster of love ♪

♪ Say what ♪

♪ Rollercoaster ♪

(coughing)

Yeah...

now I got it.

Y'all saw me.

I was careful.

I used all the precautions.

It's those doggone kids.

I should have laminated those doggone kids.

What the heck was I thinking? But that's okay.

Now my boys going to Vegas without me.

But all Bernie Mac got to do

is get a little rest, a little shut eye,

catch the red eye.

Little shut eye, baby, Bernie Mac catch the red eye.

The kids are feeling better, so I'll run them to school,

so you have nothing to worry about.

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

I'll come home early to check on you.

Bring you some ginger ale with all the bubbles stirred out.

That'll settle your stomach.

(incoherent mumbling)

I know, baby, I know.

What can a mama do?

Can you rub some of that on my chest?

You know, I wouldn't ask you, but...

That's okay. There's a baby.

The mama little baby and the mother...

No, sir. No, sir.

You all not going to watch her rub that stuff on my chest.

Uh-uh. Ain't nothing sacred between man and wife?

Y'all just nosy.

You always want to be in somebody's business.

WANDA: Oh honey, Bryana's feeling a little feverish.

Are you well enough to keep an eye on her?

I'm going to leave her at home.

Hey, Aunt Wanda,

I can stay home and watch Bryana if you want.

I mean, it's not a problem.

No, no, no. Nice try, baby girl,

but you just trying to get out of school.

I ain't that sick. I'll be all right.

You go on to school.

Let's go.

BERNIE:(coughing)

WANDA: Jordan?

Uncle Bernie, will you play with me?

Bryana, Uncle Bernie tired.

Can you play by yourself today?

Okay. I'll get the scissors.

No, no, baby, don't get no scissors.

I'll play with you, okay?

For just ten minutes.

This is Chrissy and yours is Cindy.

All right.

(sighs)

I'm going to the store.

Do you want to go?

Mm-mm.

No, Uncle Bernie, not like that.

You have to hold her up.

(sighs)

Okay, just go to the store.

BERNIE: No.

No, Uncle Bernie.

You have to talk like Cindy.

BERNIE (high voice): No.

You have to say "yes," Uncle Bernie.

Yes.

Okay. Let's go to the store.

All right.

No, Uncle Bernie, she doesn't walk like that.

She walks like this.

Okay, Bryana, Bryana...

-Like this. -Okay.

But, Bryana, Uncle Bernie,

he's too old to play with dolls.

Can we play something else, baby?

(drum beating)

I'm going to read to you and make you feel all better.

That'd be nice, baby girl.

But first, Uncle Bernie going to take a nap

for one hour-- just one hour,

and then you can read, we play dollies,

or whatever else you want to do, okay?

Okay.

-Good. -But first I'll read to you.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess

who lived in a big, beautiful, purple castle

with orange, too.

She had 13 dogs and eight cats

and no birds.

And what else h-happened...

the... the bear died...

because... the bear dies, because...

...if he lives somewhere...

if he lives somewhere, he would, um...

He would d... he wouldn't die.

If he wouldn't live nowhere

he would die, but there was...

Man, I don't know how much more I can take.

America, I'm sorry,

but this girl about to drive me crazy.

I didn't know she knew that many words.

Y'all got to pray for me.

I'm telling you, you got to pray for me.

(stops talking)

I think she through.

Uncle Bernie! Uncle Bernie!

(whimpers)

Why you crying?

Oh, Bryana, girl...

it's only 10:00 in the morning.

I know, just play parade again.

No, no, I don't want to play no parade.

Hey, I got an idea.

Come on, sit with Uncle Bernie right quick.

Oh... I got an idea.

Let's play hide-and-seek.

Yay!

Okay, you hide and I come look for you.

I'll count to 100, okay?

-Okay. -Okay. One...

two...

Three. Hide good now.

Oh... One...

two...

(snoring)

BRYANA: (crying)

Oh, Bryana.

Baby girl, I'm sorry

I didn't come looking for you, okay?

You hurt my feelings, Uncle Bernie.

Oh... Bryana, you the last person I want to hurt.

I just had to get some rest.

I'm trying to get better so I can go to Vegas.

Hey...

Hey, baby girl, you see this timer?

It's set for one hour.

In one hour, you're going to hear ding-ding.

When you hear ding-ding,

you and me can play all you want.

Before ding-ding, me. After ding-ding, you. Okay?

Okay.

Say "ding-ding."

-Ding-ding. -Girl, that's it.

(humming)

BERNIE: Bryana, come here, baby girl!

I can't, Uncle Bernie.

You need to get your rest.

Never mind that. Listen...

go into the hall closet, get me some toilet tissue

and throw it to me, okay?

Hurry up. It's important.

I can't, Uncle Bernie. It didn't go ding-ding.

Ding-ding, baby girl, ding-ding.

Hurry up, now.

Uncle Bernie, did you have a BM,

or are you throwing up?

Hurry, hurry up! Come on, Bryana, hurry up!

I can't reach it.

BERNIE: Okay, listen, listen, listen.

Go in the kitchen,

pour yourself some juice,

and stay in the kitchen and drink it, okay?

Okay.

All right, hurry up, baby girl, hurry up!

Drinking your juice?

I drank it.

All right, get yourself another.

Mmm, I'm so glad he got his rest.

Shh, come on, let's let them sleep.

I'll take you to get some tacos.

-You like tacos? -I don't know.

-You don--you don't? -No

(door closes)

(car starting)

Wanda! Wanda! Wanda!

Wanda...

(crying) Wanda... Wanda...

Uncle Bernie, do you remember you told us

not to throw anything on the floor

or we might break something?

Yeah.

Chrissy didn't listen.

Maybe we should give her a time out.

Okay.

Grownups shouldn't be left alone with kids all day.

It ain't right. It's not natural.

Like fish flying, birds in the sea.

This is my kin, my flesh and blood.

But I'm going to say it, you ain't going to like it.

She's boring, dull... dull as a rock.

This was the dullest day of my life.

Had I spent another day with her--another minute,

I probably would have...

Uncle Bernie, you hurt my feelings.

(clears throat)

Um, come here, baby girl.

Come sit with me for a while.

Oh, Bryana, oh.

I'm sorry.

You know what?

I appreciate you taking care of your Uncle Bernie

like you did today, okay?

Okay.

Now, do me a favor, go in the kitchen,

make yourself something to drink.

I got to finish talking to America right now, okay?

-Okay. -Okay.

Love you.

She's still dull, boring.

Anyway, I didn't get no better.

Didn't even get a chance to go to Vegas.

But I did get a chance to play blackjack.

Hit me.

Uncle Bernie, you can't hit on 20.

He's stupid.

Hit me. Come on.

who lived in a big, beautiful, purple castle

with orange, too.

She had 13 dogs and eight cats

and no birds.

What color was it? Purple or orange?

It was, it was purple.

Just making up stuff.

You did that.

You can't read.

Captioned by VISUAL DATA