Original subtitles

♪♪

Damn...

This is a good cigar.

You can tell a good cigar by the way it feels

and this feels like a good cigar.

Look at that smoke.

That's good cigar smoke, there, boy...

(chuckles)

But I ain't here to talk about cigars.

I'm here to tell you that, uh...

I'm gonna kill one of them kids.

Oh, don't get me wrong-- I love 'em.

They my blood.

I'd give 'em the shirt off my back.

You ever see a chicken with his neck wrung

laying to the side all lazy and weak?

That's what I'm gonna do to them kids.

Talk back to me one more time.

Snap! I'm gonna snap they neck off.

Eh! They too sassy. They too grown today.

They talk back too much.

Aah, I know what you're saying to Mac.

I don't care what you talkin' about.

"Bernie Mac cruel. Bernie Mac beat his kids."

I don't care. That's your opinion,

'cause you don't know the story.

You don't know what went down...

and they're not my kids.

So, why are you mad at him?

Because he turned you in?

Girl, you stole from him.

I would've turned you in.

America, let's talk.

Yeah, my sister's on drugs. That's okay.

Some of your family members are messed up, too.

What am I supposed to do

allow these three kids to go to the state or some foster home

or some white couple?

Ah-ah, hold on, this ain't about race.

It's not about race.

I just don't want to hear them talking all proper like that.

You know what I'm saying? That's all I'm trying to say.

What, they got to sit there

and share food with 40 other kids?

No, that ain't right.

(voice breaking) I'm trying to do the right thing,

and sometime the right thing may not be the right thing.

Well, I'm gonna do the right thing.

Just be careful.

Did you hear what I said?

You don't know what you're getting yourself into.

Are you listening to me?

Yeah. Yeah.

Bernie Mac.

I feel for his sister,

but what does Bernie Mac know about raising kids?

He's a comedian.

He tells "yo mama" jokes...

and how am I gonna explain to AT&T

that I'm late for work again

because my husband's taping a TV show

and I spent the morning

cleaning poop out of the light socket?

They don't play that.

They are AT&T.

That's just my opinion.

(tires screeching)

( intro playing to "Living for the City")

♪ A boy is born in Hardtime, Mississippi ♪

♪ Surrounded by four walls that ain't so pretty ♪

-♪ His parents gave ♪ -Yo, yo, yo, you're Bernie Mac.

-♪ Him love and affection ♪ -Yeah.

♪ To keep him strong ♪

♪ Moving in the right direction ♪

♪ Living just enough ♪

♪ Just enough ♪

♪ For the city... ♪

Excuse me, are you Bernie Mac?

Yeah, yeah, I'm Bernie.

Are you waiting for three children?

Yeah.

We have a little problem.

What's the problem?

What do you mean, they don't want to get off the plane?

Well, the two girls are fine

but the little boy just freaked out on our descent.

Uh, he was crying. Then, he started coughing.

He sounded pre-asthmatic.

I know, because my nephew Timmy is a pre; sounds exactly like that.

Anyway, he kept saying he wanted to go home.

It was really sad.

Oh, and I think he wet his pants.

Anyway, I told Stephanie, "Give him some wings."

Sir, I-I get it. Thank you.

Okay. Mr. Mac?

Yes? They're this way.

Thank you.

Hey...

Hey, kids.

It's your Uncle Bernie.

(screaming)

What the hell was that?

BERNIE: (whistling)

Hey, little man.

I'm so sorry, man, about stepping on your foot.

(clears throat)

Well, listen

you all are gonna really love it here.

You are.

It's gonna feel just like home, trust me.

Oh, you live in the projects?

Oho, you're pretty funny, there, little girl.

Pretty funny, there. Real nice.

Hey, look at that. Look at that.

Look at that big-ass doughnut.

Anybody want a big-ass doughnut?

That's the best big-ass doughnut I ever had in my life.

Damn.

Mmm-mmm.

You guys sure you don't want a bite

of this big-ass doughnut?

We don't feel like eating.

Good. You ain't gotta eat.

You ain't hurting me.

I'm full.

My stomach hurt, anyway.

Psychology.

Know what I should've got?

Damn.

I should've got a big-ass chocolate milk.

(laughing)

Uncle Bernie, you're funny.

BERNIE: I'm a very funny man.

-(coughing) -(crying)

Bryana, what's wrong, baby? What's wrong with you?

I want a doughnut, too.

BERNIE: Oh, baby, that ain't no problem.

Here, you can have anything you want.

Whatever you want, just ask your Uncle Bernie, hear?

Can I have a big-ass bike?

Watch your mouth.

BERNIE: (whistling)

(coughing)

BERNIE: All right, kids...

home, sweet, home.

Hey! Come in, come in!

Welcome home!

Oh, you kids have grown.

Hi, Aunt Wanda.

WANDA: (laughs and coos)

Now, I know you kids have been through a lot lately,

and I want you to know that we love you very much, okay?

Could you spend a day with us, Aunt Wanda?

Aw, Sweetness, your Aunt Wanda would like nothing better

than to spend tomorrow filling her heart bowl

with your sugar,

but your Aunt Wanda works for AT&T, Precious

and she can't just up and miss.

They don't play that.

Okay.

BERNIE: In order for us to live as a family

I got to set down a few house rules.

First, this is my house.

Don't get me wrong-- this is our home,

but this is my house.

Mi casa is mi casa.

JORDAN: (coughs)

Close your mouth, boy.

Second, in my house, this is all my stuff,

and you are not to touch my stuff

without my permission.

Let me break it down:

Don't touch my TV,

don't touch my DVD,

don't touch my dual-deck VCR,

and, most definitely

don't touch the remote that works the TV,

the DVD and the dual-deck VCR.

Any questions?

Can we touch...?

No, you can't touch nothing.

Matter of fact, don't even look at it.

When you walk past it, close your eyes.

Come on over here.

I got something else very important to show you.

This is deep.

(clears throat)

Don't touch my old school.

my new school, my slow jams, my party jams,

my happy rap...

and you better not touch my James Brown,

or somebody's really gonna get hurt.

You understand?

(whimpers)

Now, y'all children, y'all come on,

let's have some ice cream.

Come on.

"Bernie Mac, why you so strict?"

Tough love is good for them.

I don't play. Never did play.

This small--never smiled or nothing.

Hated school 'cause they had recess.

Teacher told me, "Go outside, have a recess."

I didn't go, 'cause I don't play.

(loud crash)

Didn't I tell you not to touch this, boy?

Didn't I tell you not to touch this, Jordan?

Yes or no?

JORDAN: (whimpers and cries)

Oh, man, oh, man, come on. Don't start.

What did I say? Stop that crying!

All I did was ask a question, now.

Aw, no, you're not. No, you're not.

You wet on yourself?

Are you wetting on yourself?

Come here, boy! Come here!

-JORDAN: (wailing) -Don't you run from me!

Come on... Oh, man... come here!

(breathing heavily)

I'm cool.

Everything's cool.

If it don't apply...

Let it fly.

You know...

I'm too old.

(TV playing)

What?

I need to go to the store.

I need to go to the Bahamas. Got a solution?

(laughing)

(clears throat)

What you need to go to the store for, baby girl?

I need to pick up some things.

We got things here.

No, I need to pick up some, um... personal things.

What type of personal things you need to...?

Aw, no, no. You're only thir--

Aw, man, no, don't do that.

You're only 13 years old, man.

Whoo!

(tapping table)

JORDAN: I need my medicine!

(car horn honking)

Oh... aw, Jordan, why didn't you tell me?

(coughing)

Cover your... cover your mouth, boy.

It's nasty.

Hey! Hey!

You're Bernie Mac, ain't you?

Hey, brother. How you doing?

Aw, Bernie, man,

I ain't ate in two weeks, brother.

-Two weeks? -Two weeks!

Just two.

It's been so long, brother,

I forgot what food tastes like anymore.

Man, you know what? I wouldn't even worry about it.

No?

-No. -Why not?

'Cause it still tastes the same.

Aw, man!

(yelling incoherently)

Yeah, right. Yeah, okay.

We got the fax from his doctor in Chicago.

-Oh, good. Good. -We have his medicines in stock.

-Good. Good. -So just sign here.

Sign... right here?

Yeah. Has he had any Proventil today?

Pro-who?

Proventil. It's for his cough.

He wasn't coughing this morning.

Well, what about Tilade or Flovent?

No, he's cool.

I gave him a couple of Vicks about a half an hour ago.

You gave him cough drops?

Yeah. The cherry bubble gum kind.

No... this boy's pre-asthmatic.

Unless you use a steroidal inhaler,

he's going to be in a lot of trouble.

Are you the legal guardian?

Look, ma'am, I'm doing the best I can, you know?

Just give me my medicine. Please.

The cherry bubble gum kind.

You know, he like that sweet.

JORDAN: Give it back!

Just... ma'am, please, can I have the cherry bubble gum?

I'll be... I'll be right back.

JORDAN: Give it back!

Give it--, give it back!

Look, stop, stop-- stop this arguing!

Stop it! Stop it!

She won't give it back!

Jordan, Jordan, Jordan...

Jordan, there's hundreds of boxes of cereal on there.

Get some Count Chocula or something.

I don't want Count Chocula!

I want mine!

Boy, quit being so soft here!

You always crying! You got to be a man!

I don't want to be a man!

I want my cereal!

Boy, you getting ready...?

You ain't fixin' to piss up in here?

(wailing and shrieking)

JORDAN: (wailing)

Come here. Come here.

What y'all lookin' at? What you lookin' at?

Watch out, now.

Hot cold urine.

Watch out! Watch out! Urine!

I know you can make it.

You can hold it, boy. Hold it!

Ain't nothing but a little piss.

Lady, look out.

Lady! Lady!

He peed on the film counter?

Urine.

Where were you?

I was holding the boy.

You held him while he peed on somebody's family photos?

No, they were developing the film fast--

What the hell you think I was doing, Wanda?

I was trying to get the boy to the bathroom.

I had his pants down.

He ain't right. He ain't right.

Bernie, those kids have been through hell.

He probably just misses his mama,

and that's his way of expressing it.

When I was his age, babe, I missed my daddy, too

but I still held my damn bowels.

Well, that's good.

You know, but at some point, the boy got to be a man.

I think that point is 18, not eight.

Not everybody is as strong as Bernie Mac, you know.

Well, you got that right.

Mm-hmm.

JORDAN:(coughing)

Medicine time.

(coughing continues)

I got to get used to this, I'm telling you.

You will. You will.

♪ Ooh, ooh, child ♪

♪ Things are gonna get easier ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, child, things'll get brighter ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, child, things are gonna get easier ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, child, things'll get brighter ♪

(music continues)

♪ Someday, yeah ♪

♪ Put it together and we'll get it undone ♪

♪ Someday, when you hit it much lighter ♪

♪ Someday, yeah, we'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun ♪

♪ Someday, when the world is much brighter ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, child, things are gonna be easier ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, child, things'll be brighter ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, child ♪

♪ Things are gonna be easier♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, child... ♪

Wait, wait. He was in love with Grace Jones.

Oh, man, come on.

You told me that!

It's on you, Bernie Mac, it's on you

or should I call you Daddy Mac?

He got babies now.

Oh, that's wrong.

Hey, if you needed kids, man,

you could've asked me.

I got a couple I ain't using.

And a couple he ain't seen.

Lemme tell you something-- y'all real, real funny.

Real funny...

'cause you play with a puppy,

you get licked in the mouth.

You play with a dog.

BOTH: You get your ass bit.

(laughter)

(conversation fades)

Yes?

Can I help you?

(door slams)

(chuckling)

Yeah, she probably jut didn't want to interrupt.

That's her way of showing you respect.

(laughing)

-Give me the phone. -VANESSA: What phone?

See what I mean?

I'm not going to knock again, Vanessa.

Can you hold on, please?!

Hold on? Vanessa!

He is trippin', okay? I'll call you back.

Okay, bye.

Didn't I tell you

don't touch nothing without my permission?

-You didn't say the phone. -I didn't say the phone?

You said don't touch the TV, the VCR, the DVD,

your old school, your new school

and your happy rap,

but you never said we couldn't touch the phone.

Technically, she right...

Technically.

It ain't about the phone.

It's about the simple things in life.

About teaching you respect, you understand?

Whatever.

"Whatever"?

"Whatever" ain't no answer.

How about, "Yes, sir, Uncle Bernie"?

You hear what I said?

You ain't none of my daddy.

I ain't none of your what?

What'd you say to me?

Let me tell you something.

I got news for you-- I'm not trying to be your daddy.

-Good! -"Good"?

"Good"? Can you believe this?

Y'all keep watching. It get worse.

"Good." Like I'm a sissy or something... Okay.

You keep on talking to me with that attitude, little girl--

I may not be your daddy,

but I'll whup your ass just like your daddy.

And you'll go to jail like you was my daddy, too.

(door bangs)

(door bangs)

Don't come out.

I'm gonna bust your head till the white meat... Come on out, Vanessa!

That's right, I said

I'm gonna bust her head till the white meat show,

and I ain't ashamed that I said it,

and ain't nobody gonna make me take it back.

BERNIE: "Corporal punishment"?

Man, I spanked the boy on his behind in the store.

Who told you that?

That's not important, Mr. Mac.

What's important... No, no, Mr. Cooley.

Who told you that?

Well, the oldest girl, but...

Vanessa?

You can't believe anything she says.

She's just a child, Mr. Cooley.

She also said that you threatened

to "whup her like you were her daddy."

She... She dissed me in front of my boys, Mr. Cooley.

Now, come on, you just don't do that.

Okay, did you also say you're

"going to bust her head till the white meat shows"?

That's... They're my boys.

Mr. Mac... Come on...

Mr. Mac, between that and the profanity...

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I don't use no profanity in front of those children.

That's a lie-- now who told you...

You didn't say, "big-ass doughnut"?

Who-Who told you that?

The littlest one,

but the point is, I'm here to help, not to hinder.

You want the kids to live here;

I want the kids to live here.

You know I want the kids to live here, Cooley. Come on, now.

Neither of us wants a situation.

Come on, Cooley.

Are you a smoker?

Cigars--every night, I smoke a cigar.

But you don't...

No, no, I smoke in the den if I do.

Only in the den. My wife...

JORDAN: (coughing)

In the den.

My wife, she don't like it, I swear.

Trying to take my babies from me.

They take my babies from me, I'm lost.

Without them, I'm nothing.

Lord, you know I do everything you ask.

You can take the kids, but you can't take my babies.

Y'all got the camera on!

Ain't nothing sacred?

Cut the camera off.

BRYANA: I'm scared.

Bryana?

Come here, baby girl.

What you scared of?

You.

Me?

Why are you scared of me?

I'm sorry I broke your record.

You told me not to touch it, but I touched it.

I didn't mean to, but I did.

That's all right.

Don't worry about it.

I can replace it.

Really?

No...

But if you say you're sorry,

that's the right thing to do,

and I'll forgive you,

and I'm sorry if I scared you, okay?

Okay.

I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Thank you, baby girl.

Come on, let's get back to bed.

Come on.

Uncle Bernie?

Huh?

Are you our daddy now?

No, I'm still ol' Uncle Bernie, okay?

Can I call you Uncle Daddy?

No.

You keep calling me Uncle Bernie, okay?

Okay.

Come on.

You see what I'm talking about?

See what I'm saying?

What am I supposed to do?

Hide my feelings? Lie?

Come on, man, we're family.

You and I--family.

When I say I want to kill those kids,

you know what I mean.

I don't have to explain.

Come on--Bernie Mac just say what you want to say but can't,

but that's all right.

I'm the bad guy. I'll be the bad guy.

See, I just...

I'm sorry.

Now, that's a start.

That's most definitely a start.

See, America? Y'all thought I was all wrong and everything.

Y'all...

I'm sorry, too.

Sorry? What did you do?

You don't know?

Cut the camera off.

Cut the camera off.

Come here! Come here!

Captioned by VISUAL DATA

Hey, look!

Hey, hey, how you doin'?

I can't believe it's you!

Okay.

Grandma, Grandpa!

Do they know you?

Grandpa, that's Bernie Mac.

He's so funny.

-I remember when he said, "I ain't scared of your..." -Hey, hey, hey.

Just stay tight with your grandparents, okay?

Oh, these kids sure love you.

I don't know about that, sir.

-Thank you very much. Thank you. -No, thank you.

Y'all have a good one, hear? All right.