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All language subtitles for The Onion Movie 2008 720p HDTV x264-DNL.EN

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:32,175 --> 00:00:35,077 You can always count on the Onion to get the story. 2 00:00:35,152 --> 00:00:37,705 It's America's finest news source. 3 00:00:38,895 --> 00:00:40,902 And now, the Onion News... 4 00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:43,561 America's finest news source. 5 00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:46,671 Featuring Dana Dobbs... 6 00:00:46,735 --> 00:00:49,223 senior correspondent, Kip Kendall... 7 00:00:49,296 --> 00:00:52,492 and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer. 8 00:00:52,559 --> 00:00:55,015 We begin today with news from Detroit... 9 00:00:55,087 --> 00:00:57,226 where automaking giant, American Automotive... 10 00:00:57,295 --> 00:01:01,997 announced a safety recall of all 2004 cars containing neck belts. 11 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:06,057 The neck belts introduced last month in an attempt to reduce head injuries... 12 00:01:06,128 --> 00:01:08,364 have been found to cause crushed tracheas... 13 00:01:08,431 --> 00:01:11,050 severe spinal damage and violent decapitation. 14 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,094 Daddy's home. Hi, Dad. 15 00:01:18,448 --> 00:01:23,336 Today, the U.S. military announced an innovative new plan to draw new recruits. 16 00:01:23,408 --> 00:01:26,507 You sign up right now... 17 00:01:26,576 --> 00:01:28,877 you get one pair of Ozzfest tickets... 18 00:01:28,943 --> 00:01:31,213 and a set of mud flaps for your truck. 19 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:34,094 Then after six months of active duty... 20 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,527 you are eligible to receive... 21 00:01:36,592 --> 00:01:38,566 an ounce of weed. 22 00:01:38,639 --> 00:01:40,908 Sweet! 23 00:01:40,976 --> 00:01:44,489 And in six more months, a bunch more weed. 24 00:01:44,559 --> 00:01:47,593 You're fuckin' lying. I get some more weed? 25 00:01:47,663 --> 00:01:51,275 And if you serve a tour of duty during a foreign conflict... 26 00:01:51,344 --> 00:01:54,988 you will receive upon your discharge... this. 27 00:01:55,055 --> 00:01:58,536 - A hot bitch poster. - Damn it! Sign me up! 28 00:02:01,263 --> 00:02:04,110 The Internet went down for three hours this morning... 29 00:02:04,176 --> 00:02:06,958 plunging the nation into productivity. 30 00:02:07,023 --> 00:02:11,278 The outage, which caused major work "startages" from New York to California... 31 00:02:11,344 --> 00:02:15,686 prevented an estimated 120 million American employees... 32 00:02:15,759 --> 00:02:18,661 from messing around on the Web at work. 33 00:02:18,735 --> 00:02:21,255 More Onion News after this. 34 00:02:21,327 --> 00:02:24,491 In a world without justice... 35 00:02:25,615 --> 00:02:27,949 where the strong prey on the weak- 36 00:02:36,623 --> 00:02:39,470 One man must face the ultimate challenge- 37 00:02:39,535 --> 00:02:41,674 Master, how did they defeat me? 38 00:02:41,743 --> 00:02:43,783 They used an ancient technique. 39 00:02:43,855 --> 00:02:48,557 It strikes at the very core of a warrior's strength. 40 00:02:50,031 --> 00:02:52,781 For this attack, there is no defense. 41 00:02:52,847 --> 00:02:54,789 Master, will you teach me? 42 00:02:54,863 --> 00:02:58,692 - You are not yet ready, my son. - I'm ready, master. 43 00:03:01,263 --> 00:03:03,598 No, you are not. You have much to learn. 44 00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:07,658 You, young pupil... 45 00:03:07,727 --> 00:03:10,575 shall become... a cockpuncher. 46 00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:12,973 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures- 47 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:16,651 Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher. 48 00:03:19,056 --> 00:03:20,943 Stop! 49 00:03:29,679 --> 00:03:31,337 Cockpuncher. 50 00:03:31,407 --> 00:03:33,895 I don't think you have the balls. 51 00:03:33,968 --> 00:03:36,172 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures. 52 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,825 That looks awesome! 53 00:03:38,895 --> 00:03:42,092 Sure does, kids. A real whomp in the nut sack. 54 00:03:42,159 --> 00:03:44,548 Honey, have you seen my good black socks? 55 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,181 - Mommy, look. - Honey? 56 00:03:50,255 --> 00:03:53,899 If you see news happening, call the Onion News hotline. 57 00:03:53,968 --> 00:03:58,343 Honey, I cannot find my good black socks. 58 00:04:00,592 --> 00:04:02,664 Hello? Onion News? 59 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:13,708 My baby! 60 00:04:19,536 --> 00:04:21,543 We're here live with a breaking news story. 61 00:04:21,615 --> 00:04:25,292 Apparently, a local area man has misplaced his black socks. 62 00:04:25,359 --> 00:04:28,807 Mr. McCormick, would you please tell us exactly what happened this morning? 63 00:04:28,879 --> 00:04:32,654 Sure. Um, I got up. It was a normal morning. 64 00:04:32,719 --> 00:04:37,259 The kids are downstairs. And, uh, my wife's giving 'em breakfast. 65 00:04:37,328 --> 00:04:40,873 And all of a sudden, I noticed that my good black socks are missing. 66 00:04:42,863 --> 00:04:45,198 Here's your boy, ma'am, safe and sound. 67 00:04:45,263 --> 00:04:47,270 Oh. Thanks, thanks. 68 00:04:47,343 --> 00:04:50,310 Look, sweetie. Look! 69 00:04:50,383 --> 00:04:52,488 - The Onion News van! - Yeah. 70 00:04:55,056 --> 00:04:57,543 In other news, a local eight-year-old accidentally... 71 00:04:57,615 --> 00:05:00,299 exercised his Second Amendment rights yesterday... 72 00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:04,328 when he blew off his head with his father's semiautomatic rifle. 73 00:05:04,399 --> 00:05:07,629 The fatal incident is being hailed by gun rights activists... 74 00:05:07,695 --> 00:05:11,623 as a victory for America and the Constitution. 75 00:05:14,768 --> 00:05:18,958 - Nobody move, unless you want your head blown off! 76 00:05:19,023 --> 00:05:21,608 - You! - Please. Please don't shoot me. 77 00:05:21,679 --> 00:05:23,534 I'll give you however much you want. 78 00:05:23,599 --> 00:05:26,316 Whoa, whoa, whoa. You think I want money? 79 00:05:26,384 --> 00:05:29,067 You think that's what this is about? 80 00:05:29,135 --> 00:05:31,437 A big, angry black man comes walking in waving a gun... 81 00:05:31,503 --> 00:05:33,358 and you assume he's robbing the place? 82 00:05:33,423 --> 00:05:36,936 I ain't looking for no goddamn handout. I'm looking for a motherfucking job, bitch! 83 00:05:37,007 --> 00:05:41,415 - Excuse me? - You heard me! A motherfucking job! 84 00:05:41,487 --> 00:05:45,033 Don't you see? If you give me money, that'll just help me in the short term. 85 00:05:45,103 --> 00:05:49,892 But a job, that'll help me develop valuable job skills and experience. 86 00:05:49,967 --> 00:05:52,585 It's like teaching a man how to fish. 87 00:05:52,655 --> 00:05:55,274 So quit stalling, get your bitch ass back there... 88 00:05:55,343 --> 00:05:58,310 and give me a 40-hour week position... 89 00:05:58,383 --> 00:06:00,358 with vacation pay and benefits... 90 00:06:00,431 --> 00:06:02,373 you piece of shit motherfucker. 91 00:06:02,447 --> 00:06:04,302 And don't make me ask twice. 92 00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:05,894 Back that ass up. 93 00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:08,716 Let's go. Let's go. I can help the next motherfuckin' person in line. 94 00:06:08,783 --> 00:06:12,612 You in that apricot sweater suit, get your bitch ass on over here now! 95 00:06:12,687 --> 00:06:14,629 How can I help you today? 96 00:06:14,703 --> 00:06:18,664 I'd like to deposit this check, please, into my savings account, and then I need to withdraw- 97 00:06:18,735 --> 00:06:22,248 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just shut the fuck up for a minute. 98 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,840 What the fuck you doin', Liz Anne? You callin' the cops? 99 00:06:24,911 --> 00:06:26,766 - No. - If that's the goddamned cops- 100 00:06:26,831 --> 00:06:30,573 No, no, I swear. I was just on with an account holder. I was advising him- 101 00:06:30,639 --> 00:06:33,356 I'm gonna kill you, bitch! 102 00:06:33,423 --> 00:06:35,976 Who the fuck's this? You a cop? Mm-hmm. 103 00:06:36,047 --> 00:06:38,862 Well, what I recommend is that you keep at least 500 in your checking... 104 00:06:38,927 --> 00:06:40,782 to just avoid the minimum balance fee... 105 00:06:40,847 --> 00:06:43,978 and put the rest in our money market which will earn you an additional 2% interest. 106 00:06:58,739 --> 00:07:00,911 Liz Anne, uh, sorry. 107 00:07:00,979 --> 00:07:02,834 My bad. 108 00:07:02,899 --> 00:07:05,135 That's okay. Honest mistake. 109 00:07:05,203 --> 00:07:08,073 Armed gunman, I've been watching you... 110 00:07:08,147 --> 00:07:11,889 and I must say, I'm impressed. 111 00:07:11,955 --> 00:07:14,573 How'd you like to be our new customer services supervisor? 112 00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:18,286 Mr. P., it'd be my motherfuckin' honor. 113 00:07:43,239 --> 00:07:46,785 Outstanding. Yeah, we're gonna get you an annuity for 12 years on that one. 114 00:07:46,855 --> 00:07:48,709 I'll get you 8% on that one. 115 00:07:48,775 --> 00:07:51,808 Everybody down now! Get the fuck down, everybody! 116 00:07:51,879 --> 00:07:54,694 Give me all the money! Hurry up! Hurry the fuck up! 117 00:07:54,759 --> 00:07:56,614 What you doing? You playing back there? 118 00:07:56,679 --> 00:07:59,778 Load the bag up with money, and nobody else fucking move. 119 00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:01,985 You hurry up! Hurry the fuck up! 120 00:08:02,055 --> 00:08:04,127 Load the bag up! Load the bag- 121 00:08:14,415 --> 00:08:18,124 You sicken me. Asking for a handout... 122 00:08:18,191 --> 00:08:21,508 instead of raising yourself up out of your situation through hard work. 123 00:08:21,583 --> 00:08:25,544 Why don't you get a job like the rest of us? 124 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:34,412 According to statistics, 87% of U.S. citizens are obese. 125 00:08:34,487 --> 00:08:37,902 And the surgeon general is taking steps to address the problem. 126 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:41,074 - As a result of the rampant spread of obesity in the U. S... 127 00:08:41,143 --> 00:08:44,077 the government has been forced to raise the definition of obesity... 128 00:08:44,151 --> 00:08:47,380 from 55% body fat to 90%. 129 00:08:47,447 --> 00:08:49,935 The move, which reduces the number of obese Americans... 130 00:08:50,007 --> 00:08:52,625 from 200 million to 185 million... 131 00:08:52,695 --> 00:08:55,565 was widely applauded from coast to coast. 132 00:08:55,639 --> 00:08:59,413 It's high time the government stepped in and did something about this problem. 133 00:08:59,479 --> 00:09:02,861 I don't wanna be obese. Man, that shit is all fucked up. 134 00:09:02,935 --> 00:09:05,717 In other news, Georgia officials announced... 135 00:09:05,783 --> 00:09:09,777 plans to add a swastika and middle finger to the Georgia state flag. 136 00:09:28,847 --> 00:09:33,037 Joe's Diner, an unusual Atlanta area eatery... 137 00:09:33,103 --> 00:09:38,373 was not based around any sports, music, or movie-based theme- 138 00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:41,196 - Have you spoken to Norm about the changes? - Not yet. 139 00:09:41,262 --> 00:09:43,205 - He's not gonna be happy. - But he's got no choice. 140 00:09:47,779 --> 00:09:52,286 Whatever the new parent company says... goes. 141 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:58,578 Melissa Cherry is America's biggest pop sensation... 142 00:09:58,643 --> 00:10:02,920 selling millions of records to her legions of teenage fans. 143 00:10:02,995 --> 00:10:06,607 But is this young singer sending the wrong message? 144 00:10:06,675 --> 00:10:08,530 Kip Kendall reports. 145 00:10:08,595 --> 00:10:11,246 Her new album, Come With Me... 146 00:10:11,315 --> 00:10:14,576 has gone quadruple platinum and made her a household name. 147 00:10:14,642 --> 00:10:19,115 # Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat # 148 00:10:19,187 --> 00:10:23,563 #And when you hold my hand Oh, I can hardly speak # 149 00:10:23,634 --> 00:10:26,090 # Oh, yeah I'm down on my knees # 150 00:10:26,162 --> 00:10:29,479 But some concerned parents think Melissa Cherry's... 151 00:10:29,555 --> 00:10:31,464 image and music are too sexy... 152 00:10:31,539 --> 00:10:34,408 setting an inappropriate example for their children. 153 00:10:34,483 --> 00:10:38,345 So, what do you say to all the concerned parents out there? 154 00:10:38,419 --> 00:10:42,543 Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand what all the fuss is about. 155 00:10:42,611 --> 00:10:44,978 My music isn't about sex. 156 00:10:45,043 --> 00:10:48,818 It's about being a girl and having fun. 157 00:10:48,883 --> 00:10:53,073 But clearly the song, "Down on my Knees," Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it? 158 00:10:53,139 --> 00:10:55,474 Ew. It's about how... 159 00:10:55,539 --> 00:10:57,841 like, when you have a big crush on a boy... 160 00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:02,249 sometimes you get down on your knees and, like, beg for their love. 161 00:11:02,323 --> 00:11:07,145 # Oh, I got so much love I need to show it # 162 00:11:08,691 --> 00:11:11,757 What about your first big hit, "Take Me From Behind"? 163 00:11:11,827 --> 00:11:15,537 "Take Me From Behind" isn't sexual at all. 164 00:11:15,603 --> 00:11:18,538 It's about love sneaking up on you. 165 00:11:18,610 --> 00:11:21,196 You know, like from the behind. 166 00:11:21,267 --> 00:11:23,601 You know, it could be a boyfriend's love sneaking up on you... 167 00:11:23,666 --> 00:11:27,376 or a friend's or even Jesus Christ. 168 00:11:27,443 --> 00:11:31,600 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 169 00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:33,871 # Oh, yeah # 170 00:11:33,939 --> 00:11:35,848 # Oh, yeah # 171 00:11:35,923 --> 00:11:38,378 # Oh # 172 00:11:38,451 --> 00:11:40,426 # Oh, oh # 173 00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:44,590 #When you love me right up front you know that I don't mind # 174 00:11:44,659 --> 00:11:48,488 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 175 00:11:50,483 --> 00:11:54,258 Let's talk about the song, "Lollipop Love." 176 00:11:54,323 --> 00:11:57,585 "Lollipop Love" is... 177 00:11:57,651 --> 00:12:00,848 the kind of love that is just really sweet... 178 00:12:00,915 --> 00:12:05,170 and you just kind of want to lick it, you know, and suck it. 179 00:12:07,411 --> 00:12:09,451 # Lollipop Hey, yeah # 180 00:12:09,523 --> 00:12:11,595 # Lollipop # 181 00:12:11,666 --> 00:12:13,489 # Love # 182 00:12:13,555 --> 00:12:14,929 # Lollipop # 183 00:12:14,994 --> 00:12:18,889 # Love Baby, baby # 184 00:12:18,963 --> 00:12:21,384 # Lolly, lolly, lolly lollipop # 185 00:12:21,459 --> 00:12:24,754 # Oh-ho, lollipop love # 186 00:12:24,819 --> 00:12:26,957 Like a lollipop. 187 00:12:29,202 --> 00:12:32,912 What about the song "Shoot Your Love All Over Me"? 188 00:12:32,979 --> 00:12:37,005 That's about how, like, when you're in love... 189 00:12:37,074 --> 00:12:38,984 you just wanna be covered in it. 190 00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:43,150 # Shoot your love all over me # 191 00:12:43,219 --> 00:12:46,961 # Oh, drown me in a milky sea # 192 00:12:47,027 --> 00:12:50,322 # Love all over me # 193 00:12:50,387 --> 00:12:52,656 But clearly, the video seems to tell a different story. 194 00:12:52,723 --> 00:12:55,057 What kind is that? 195 00:12:55,122 --> 00:12:58,505 - The kind with a... cum shot. - I'm a virgin. 196 00:12:58,579 --> 00:13:00,204 How would I know what a facial is? 197 00:13:00,274 --> 00:13:03,340 Sometimes I like dressing up sexy in my videos... 198 00:13:03,410 --> 00:13:06,029 but that's just my way of celebrating being a woman. 199 00:13:06,099 --> 00:13:08,913 You know, people are always gonna try to tear you down... 200 00:13:08,979 --> 00:13:11,051 but that's their problem, not mine. 201 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:14,352 Because I know who Melissa Cherry is. 202 00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:18,379 She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl from Monroe, Tennessee. 203 00:13:18,451 --> 00:13:20,361 # Baby ## 204 00:13:22,931 --> 00:13:25,931 The pope condemned three more glands today... 205 00:13:26,003 --> 00:13:29,385 bringing the total number of sinful hormone secretion ducts... 206 00:13:29,459 --> 00:13:31,848 on the human body to 11. 207 00:13:33,043 --> 00:13:34,668 In international news... 208 00:13:34,738 --> 00:13:40,303 relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan continued to deteriorate... 209 00:13:40,371 --> 00:13:44,527 when Azmenistani... rebels... seized a- 210 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,744 Hey, Norm. 211 00:14:01,939 --> 00:14:03,695 Hey, Norm. Okay. 212 00:14:03,763 --> 00:14:07,341 - Oh, there goes Norm again. - He looks pissed. 213 00:14:17,586 --> 00:14:20,456 Onion tip line. What do you got? 214 00:14:24,179 --> 00:14:26,448 Hey, Norm. What's up? 215 00:14:26,514 --> 00:14:28,424 Hey, Norman. 216 00:14:28,498 --> 00:14:30,321 What the hell was that? 217 00:14:31,603 --> 00:14:34,538 We'd, uh, been meaning to talk to you about that. 218 00:14:34,610 --> 00:14:38,767 Um, it's Globie. It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin. 219 00:14:38,835 --> 00:14:41,835 Yeah, the folks at Global Tetrahedron thought he'd be... 220 00:14:41,907 --> 00:14:45,519 you know, a fun, unobtrusive way to plug the company during the news. 221 00:14:45,587 --> 00:14:47,921 Plus, you gotta admit, he is pretty fucking cute. 222 00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:50,256 Hi, Norm. 223 00:14:50,322 --> 00:14:54,446 Who's the best anchorman in the whole world? You are! 224 00:14:54,514 --> 00:14:57,962 Come on, Norman. You've gotta get with the times, mate. 225 00:14:58,035 --> 00:15:00,653 These kind of tie-ins are commonplace these days, Norman. 226 00:15:00,722 --> 00:15:03,756 It's called synergy, Norm. 227 00:15:03,827 --> 00:15:07,143 We cannot have a shameless ad for our parent company... 228 00:15:07,219 --> 00:15:09,291 running during the newscast. 229 00:15:09,362 --> 00:15:14,512 It's a blatant compromise of our journalistic ethics and integrity. 230 00:15:17,011 --> 00:15:19,793 I'm sorry. It's just that, um- 231 00:15:19,859 --> 00:15:21,801 You know, what you're saying, it's- 232 00:15:21,875 --> 00:15:24,809 It's a steaming pile of shit, mate. 233 00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:30,414 Norm, listen, what he's trying to say is it's, uh, uh- 234 00:15:30,482 --> 00:15:32,686 - It's- - Hilarious! 235 00:15:32,754 --> 00:15:36,398 It's off the wall! It's rude, crude and uncensored. 236 00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:40,263 It's the very best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts! 237 00:15:40,338 --> 00:15:44,048 Rolly Ingersoll should get cancer and die! 238 00:15:46,227 --> 00:15:49,674 All the top names in the business turn out to give each other the business. 239 00:15:49,746 --> 00:15:52,267 Jack Morton, you're a fuckin' asshole. 240 00:15:52,339 --> 00:15:54,313 You'll get all the zingers. 241 00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:56,841 Fuck you. 242 00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:58,802 All the comebacks. 243 00:15:58,867 --> 00:16:02,031 Suck my dick! 244 00:16:06,162 --> 00:16:08,584 For just 19.99, you'll get the full-length video... 245 00:16:08,659 --> 00:16:11,790 of the best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts delivered straight to your door. 246 00:16:11,859 --> 00:16:14,826 But wait! If you order by credit card in the next 15 minutes... 247 00:16:14,898 --> 00:16:19,720 we'll throw in the second video, where the stars turn the tables and roast Bud himself. 248 00:16:19,794 --> 00:16:21,704 You know what I think you are? 249 00:16:21,778 --> 00:16:23,633 A fucking piece of shit! 250 00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,893 New tapes will arrive every other month. 251 00:16:26,963 --> 00:16:31,949 Keep only those you like and return the rest for a full refund. Order today! 252 00:16:32,019 --> 00:16:36,078 I fucked his wife! 253 00:16:36,147 --> 00:16:38,351 In the ass! 254 00:16:38,419 --> 00:16:40,273 Whoo! 255 00:16:49,126 --> 00:16:51,232 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures... 256 00:16:51,303 --> 00:16:54,499 Steven Seagal is... Cockpuncher! 257 00:16:54,566 --> 00:16:57,632 Awesome. 258 00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:03,430 Decadent, immoral, Western filth! 259 00:17:05,927 --> 00:17:08,066 Ooh. 260 00:17:10,534 --> 00:17:12,574 Awesome. 261 00:17:20,294 --> 00:17:22,945 Decadent, immoral, Western filth! 262 00:17:23,014 --> 00:17:25,632 Cockpuncher. 263 00:17:32,487 --> 00:17:35,236 Welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team. 264 00:17:35,302 --> 00:17:39,099 This training video will teach you what angry slogans to scream. 265 00:17:39,174 --> 00:17:41,443 Death to the godless shit beasts! 266 00:17:41,510 --> 00:17:44,128 How to blend into a typical American city. 267 00:17:44,198 --> 00:17:46,206 Yeah. 268 00:17:46,279 --> 00:17:48,613 And so much more. 269 00:17:48,678 --> 00:17:50,620 Here are Ahmed and Ahman. 270 00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:53,061 They may be brothers, but they couldn't be more different. 271 00:17:53,126 --> 00:17:55,712 Ahmed knows punctuality is important. 272 00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:58,750 He makes sure to leave plenty of time to get to his bombing site. 273 00:17:58,823 --> 00:18:01,856 Death to the godless shit beasts! 274 00:18:01,926 --> 00:18:04,348 Ahman leaves everything to the last minute. 275 00:18:04,423 --> 00:18:07,106 Oh, shit! 276 00:18:07,174 --> 00:18:11,168 Ahmed double-checks the address of the bombing site so there are no mistakes. 277 00:18:11,239 --> 00:18:13,213 Ahman doesn't. 278 00:18:15,206 --> 00:18:16,668 Oh, shit! 279 00:18:16,742 --> 00:18:18,717 Ahmed dresses properly for work... 280 00:18:18,790 --> 00:18:22,106 wearing clothing that is loose enough to hide his explosives. 281 00:18:22,182 --> 00:18:24,964 Ahman dresses inappropriately. 282 00:18:26,214 --> 00:18:27,556 Ooh. 283 00:18:27,623 --> 00:18:29,478 And don't forget, as a martyr... 284 00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:34,464 you'll receive eternal life in paradise for you and 100 of your relatives. 285 00:18:34,535 --> 00:18:37,830 You'll be blessed with unlimited sex from 72 virgins- 286 00:18:37,894 --> 00:18:42,750 - Awesome. - Thirty-five U.S. dollars and a bunch more weed. 287 00:18:42,823 --> 00:18:46,336 - Awesome. - So welcome to the Al-Q'Utaya terrorist team... 288 00:18:46,407 --> 00:18:48,828 where work is truly a blast. 289 00:18:54,054 --> 00:18:56,607 Oh, shit! 290 00:18:59,366 --> 00:19:02,595 Death to godless shit beasts! 291 00:19:04,582 --> 00:19:07,266 - I'm gonna call Sarah. - Yeah. 292 00:19:07,335 --> 00:19:10,117 - Hey, guys. How's it going? - What took you so long? 293 00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:12,800 I was playing Suicide Bomber. Have you heard from Tim tonight? 294 00:19:12,870 --> 00:19:15,358 - No. - No? That's weird. 295 00:19:15,430 --> 00:19:18,147 I was gonna call Sarah. 296 00:19:18,214 --> 00:19:22,916 Yeah, yeah! What's up, playas? 297 00:19:22,982 --> 00:19:26,299 Lake Shore Bluff represent! Yeah! 298 00:19:26,375 --> 00:19:28,284 Show some love, fool! 299 00:19:30,246 --> 00:19:32,351 Hey, Tim. 300 00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:35,172 Damn! LittleJ... 301 00:19:37,862 --> 00:19:40,644 you are lookin' mad fly, boo. 302 00:19:42,022 --> 00:19:45,284 - You feel me? - Sure, Tim. 303 00:19:45,350 --> 00:19:49,376 I just bounced from this mad, crazy, ill party, dude. 304 00:19:49,446 --> 00:19:53,091 I was hangin' out with these niggas over in Pleasant Oaks and shit. 305 00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:55,876 You were hanging out with real black people? 306 00:19:57,351 --> 00:20:01,279 No, but they was blastin' some crazy, phat beats, son! 307 00:20:01,351 --> 00:20:04,100 They was pourin' out some Cristal... 308 00:20:04,166 --> 00:20:07,614 breakin' off some endo smoke. 309 00:20:07,686 --> 00:20:10,337 You know what I'm sayin'? Just wildin' out! 310 00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:16,546 - Yeah. - Yo, I'm gonna score me a bag of Doritos. 311 00:20:16,614 --> 00:20:19,396 Y'all straight? Yeah? All right. 312 00:20:19,462 --> 00:20:22,462 Code Two. Code Two. Intersection of 12th and Grand. 313 00:20:22,534 --> 00:20:24,705 We have visual confirmation on the suspect. 314 00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:29,247 - This is Unit One. - Hit it. 315 00:20:29,318 --> 00:20:31,173 All possible units, please respond. 316 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:37,698 And this booty that was like- 317 00:20:41,094 --> 00:20:44,356 Yo, what the fuck is this? 318 00:20:44,422 --> 00:20:47,389 - What's going on, Officers? - The yarn store down the road was just held up... 319 00:20:47,462 --> 00:20:50,845 by a young black male fitting your friend's description. 320 00:20:50,919 --> 00:20:53,155 What? 321 00:20:53,222 --> 00:20:55,743 What are you- What are you talking about? It-It wasn't me. 322 00:20:55,815 --> 00:20:57,669 - No, it's not you? - No. 323 00:20:57,735 --> 00:21:01,248 Hey, Frank, you see any other young black males here in Lake Shore Bluff? 324 00:21:01,319 --> 00:21:03,774 - Don't see any. - What? 325 00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:07,458 - In the car, darky. - But I'm- I'm not black. 326 00:21:07,526 --> 00:21:09,534 I'm white. My whole family's white. 327 00:21:09,607 --> 00:21:12,257 My dad's Irish. My mom's Norwegian. 328 00:21:12,326 --> 00:21:16,101 We go to the Fourth Avenue Lutheran Church where I help with the bake sale every Sunday. 329 00:21:16,166 --> 00:21:18,174 Settle down back there, chocolate! 330 00:21:20,327 --> 00:21:23,556 Let's stand right over here. Don't worry about anything. 331 00:21:23,622 --> 00:21:25,477 Nobody can see you. 332 00:21:25,542 --> 00:21:28,542 Now, I just want you to point to the perpetrator for me. 333 00:21:30,534 --> 00:21:31,540 Him. 334 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:38,040 Okay now, for legal purposes, just tell me exactly who you are pointing to. 335 00:21:38,540 --> 00:21:41,640 That... negro. 336 00:21:42,610 --> 00:21:44,520 Okay, thanks. We can go. 337 00:21:50,994 --> 00:21:53,547 This is Dana Dobbs here at Lake Shore Bluff... 338 00:21:53,618 --> 00:21:58,626 where any second now we'll hear the verdict in the Timothy Shanahan case. 339 00:21:58,626 --> 00:22:01,593 Will the defendant please rise? 340 00:22:04,578 --> 00:22:07,611 Ladies and gentleman, have you reached a verdict? 341 00:22:07,682 --> 00:22:10,432 Yes, we have, Your Honor. We, the jury... 342 00:22:10,498 --> 00:22:12,571 find the Negro... guilty. 343 00:22:12,643 --> 00:22:16,417 There you have it. The Negro is guilty. 344 00:22:21,202 --> 00:22:26,188 - Welcome to Focus on Film with Kenneth Garber. 345 00:22:26,258 --> 00:22:28,877 Hello. We are now a good way through the film... 346 00:22:28,947 --> 00:22:32,558 so we thought it would be a good time to get some perspective on it. 347 00:22:32,626 --> 00:22:35,474 And joining us to provide just that... 348 00:22:35,538 --> 00:22:38,386 are Nicholas Van Essen and Raymond Marcus. 349 00:22:38,450 --> 00:22:42,574 Offer us, if you will, your take on how the film is doing thus far. 350 00:22:42,642 --> 00:22:46,668 I'll have to say, Kenneth, that I am very impressed. 351 00:22:46,738 --> 00:22:50,033 Sketch after sketch, we're being treated to... 352 00:22:50,098 --> 00:22:53,873 a brilliantly biting skewering of contemporary social mores. 353 00:23:01,938 --> 00:23:03,913 Well, Raymond, what do you think? 354 00:23:03,986 --> 00:23:06,441 - I must strenuously disagree. - Ah. 355 00:23:06,514 --> 00:23:11,303 This is nothing but vulgar, low-brow, potty humor thinly disguised as satire. 356 00:23:11,378 --> 00:23:15,535 It saddens me that the Onion has stooped to this lowest common denominator... 357 00:23:15,602 --> 00:23:17,489 pandering to the masses. 358 00:23:17,554 --> 00:23:20,238 Well, now for a third opinion... 359 00:23:20,306 --> 00:23:22,161 let's go straight to the source. 360 00:23:22,226 --> 00:23:25,968 We have with us here in the studio a very special guest. 361 00:23:28,034 --> 00:23:29,889 Welcome, Masses. 362 00:23:32,258 --> 00:23:34,713 So, what do you think of the film? 363 00:23:34,786 --> 00:23:36,990 It's pretty cool so far, I guess. 364 00:23:37,058 --> 00:23:40,287 That Cockpuncher dude is awesome. Bam! Right in the balls. 365 00:23:51,354 --> 00:23:56,307 But this part, with these film-expert assholes- 366 00:23:56,378 --> 00:24:00,568 I mean, why do you even have these two gaywads in the movie for anyways? 367 00:24:00,634 --> 00:24:02,390 Fags! 368 00:24:02,458 --> 00:24:05,622 Lose 'em and let's get on with the movie, dude. 369 00:24:21,990 --> 00:24:25,339 Gentlemen, experience the majestic splendor... 370 00:24:25,414 --> 00:24:28,927 of a cruise aboard the luxurious Queen Nathan II. 371 00:24:28,998 --> 00:24:32,992 On the Queen Nathan, there's so much for today's gay man to enjoy- 372 00:24:33,062 --> 00:24:36,739 shuffleboard, exquisite cuisine... 373 00:24:36,806 --> 00:24:38,322 monster cocks. 374 00:24:38,322 --> 00:24:40,362 Grab a pole and go deep-sea fishing. 375 00:24:40,434 --> 00:24:43,401 Work those muscles in our shipboard gym. 376 00:24:43,474 --> 00:24:45,775 Enjoy our world-class spa. 377 00:24:45,842 --> 00:24:48,744 Or take a thrilling Las Vegas-style revue. 378 00:24:48,819 --> 00:24:51,786 Yes, whether you want to scuba dive, get blown... 379 00:24:51,858 --> 00:24:54,727 or play blackjack in our glamorous casino... 380 00:24:54,802 --> 00:24:56,711 the Queen Nathan II's got what you're looking for. 381 00:24:56,786 --> 00:25:00,496 So climb aboard the Queen Nathan II. 382 00:25:03,062 --> 00:25:07,404 And now it's time for Little-Known Racial Stereotypes. 383 00:25:07,478 --> 00:25:10,544 Yes, everyone knows that Italians are all mobsters... 384 00:25:10,614 --> 00:25:12,786 and Native Americans are all drunks. 385 00:25:12,854 --> 00:25:16,716 But did you know that blacks love taffy? 386 00:25:16,790 --> 00:25:20,652 It's also true that Eskimos run all the locksmith shops... 387 00:25:20,727 --> 00:25:23,760 the Irish have enormous nipples... 388 00:25:23,830 --> 00:25:27,758 and Puerto Ricans can dangle from steel beams for hours at a time. 389 00:25:27,830 --> 00:25:30,034 Damn, that's unbelievable. 390 00:25:30,102 --> 00:25:32,339 - How does he do that? - Oh, he's a Puerto Rican. 391 00:25:32,406 --> 00:25:34,260 - Also... - Y'ello? 392 00:25:34,326 --> 00:25:36,747 did you know that the Dutch enjoy speaking with telemarketers? 393 00:25:36,822 --> 00:25:40,913 Visa? With a special credit card offer? 394 00:25:40,982 --> 00:25:45,587 Peruvians love to swoop in and save the day at the last minute. 395 00:25:45,654 --> 00:25:48,403 And they can shoot laser beams out of their eyes. 396 00:25:48,470 --> 00:25:52,147 And, of course, all Arabs are terrorists. 397 00:25:52,214 --> 00:25:55,858 Ah, stereotypes. Can you imagine a world without them? 398 00:26:20,906 --> 00:26:23,906 Okay, that must be our final player. 399 00:26:28,842 --> 00:26:30,697 - Hi, Julie! - Hi. 400 00:26:30,762 --> 00:26:32,933 - Welcome. - Oh, your house is so lovely. 401 00:26:33,002 --> 00:26:35,391 Oh, thank you! Come on in. 402 00:26:35,466 --> 00:26:38,281 - Everybody, this is Julie. - Hi. 403 00:26:38,346 --> 00:26:40,648 - Pretty cute, huh? - Hi, Julie. 404 00:26:40,714 --> 00:26:43,431 Have a seat. So, I understand this is your first whodunit party? 405 00:26:43,498 --> 00:26:45,473 Ah, you are gonna have so much fun! Okay! 406 00:26:45,546 --> 00:26:49,320 With any luck, by the end of the night we'll figure out which one of us did the dirty deed. 407 00:26:49,386 --> 00:26:53,761 Any one of us could be the rapist! 408 00:26:53,834 --> 00:26:58,056 - I'm sorry. Did you say "rapist?" - Yeah. Yeah, I did. 409 00:26:58,122 --> 00:27:02,497 Don't these things usually revolve around, um, a murder? 410 00:27:02,570 --> 00:27:05,319 Yeah, Julie, see, we do this every few months... 411 00:27:05,386 --> 00:27:09,510 and frankly, we were getting a little bored with murder. 412 00:27:09,578 --> 00:27:12,360 So I was like, " Isn't there some other violent crime we can reenact?" 413 00:27:12,426 --> 00:27:15,655 And I'm in the store the other day... and I find this. 414 00:27:17,354 --> 00:27:20,998 How fantastic is that? 415 00:27:21,066 --> 00:27:25,189 So, anyway, Julie, since you are new, luckyJulie... 416 00:27:25,258 --> 00:27:29,448 you get to be the victim. 417 00:27:29,514 --> 00:27:31,554 Okay? 418 00:27:31,626 --> 00:27:34,560 - Ooh. - So, I want you to put this on. Hop up. 419 00:27:34,634 --> 00:27:36,805 Okay, so here's what's gonna happen. 420 00:27:36,873 --> 00:27:40,736 The lights are gonna go out. So, you lie down on the floor. 421 00:27:40,810 --> 00:27:45,153 We're all gonna come running in, but you're gonna be unconscious, so you stay down there. 422 00:27:45,226 --> 00:27:48,226 Don't you think this is a little... sick? 423 00:27:48,298 --> 00:27:52,007 Oh, sweetie, it's all in fun. No one's actually raping anyone. 424 00:27:54,058 --> 00:27:56,872 I mean, you wouldn't have a problem with a murder-mystery game now, would you? 425 00:27:56,938 --> 00:28:00,134 - I guess not. - Yeah, so why would you object to a game... 426 00:28:00,702 --> 00:28:04,477 revolving around a lesser crime where no one even loses their life? 427 00:28:04,542 --> 00:28:06,397 - Well, it's just different. - Oh, "it's just, it's just"! 428 00:28:06,462 --> 00:28:09,593 Come on, guys. Let's play the game. 429 00:28:09,661 --> 00:28:12,345 Get your cards. Okay? 430 00:28:14,718 --> 00:28:16,856 CD in here. You got that on, sweetie? 431 00:28:16,926 --> 00:28:19,097 Okay, get down on the floor. Get down on the floor. 432 00:28:19,166 --> 00:28:21,205 Ready for a rapin'? 433 00:28:29,838 --> 00:28:33,416 Oh, no, please don't rape me. 434 00:28:33,486 --> 00:28:37,228 - Shut up, you bitch! - No, no, please, Mr. Raper Man. 435 00:28:37,294 --> 00:28:39,399 - Shut the fuck up! - What are you doing? 436 00:28:39,470 --> 00:28:41,324 Shut up, bitch! 437 00:28:41,390 --> 00:28:43,779 - Oh, no! - Shut up! 438 00:28:49,166 --> 00:28:51,053 Wow. 439 00:29:05,118 --> 00:29:09,144 " Oh, no. The sweet, innocent, young daughter of Mayor Lewis has been raped. 440 00:29:09,214 --> 00:29:12,629 Lock the door. No one is leaving until we figure out who did it." 441 00:29:12,702 --> 00:29:14,557 - Nice accent. - Thanks, man. 442 00:29:23,622 --> 00:29:26,470 Who committed this rape? Hmm? 443 00:29:26,534 --> 00:29:28,923 Was it... the creepy uncle? 444 00:29:30,853 --> 00:29:33,570 The handsome, young Ivy League fraternity brother... 445 00:29:33,637 --> 00:29:36,540 who's used to getting what and who he wants? 446 00:29:38,598 --> 00:29:41,053 Um, the prisoner just released on parole? That's me. 447 00:29:43,126 --> 00:29:46,900 Or the vaguely hermaphroditic night nurse... 448 00:29:46,966 --> 00:29:48,853 from the senior center just down the block? 449 00:29:48,918 --> 00:29:53,555 Ooh, he's so creepy! Okay, come on. Let's play! Let's play! 450 00:30:03,621 --> 00:30:06,338 "I was with my wife. 451 00:30:06,405 --> 00:30:10,082 "Besides, that bitch has been making up stories since she was four. 452 00:30:10,150 --> 00:30:12,703 You can't believe anything she says!" 453 00:30:12,774 --> 00:30:15,741 "I have 22 fraternity brothers who will vouch that I was with them." 454 00:30:17,638 --> 00:30:21,020 Oh, I bet you do. Okay, time to spin. 455 00:30:21,094 --> 00:30:24,291 Whoa, Julie, I know this is your first time... 456 00:30:24,358 --> 00:30:27,292 - but you're not acting very raped. - Okay. 457 00:30:27,366 --> 00:30:30,628 Oh, no, no, Julie, you can't stand up. You've just been raped. 458 00:30:30,694 --> 00:30:33,411 The rapist shattered your pelvis with a baseball bat. 459 00:30:35,398 --> 00:30:37,253 Um, I'm leaving. 460 00:30:37,318 --> 00:30:39,969 Wha-What? Where are you going? 461 00:30:40,038 --> 00:30:43,900 Ju- Come-Julie, wh- 462 00:30:45,157 --> 00:30:47,067 Now what? 463 00:30:49,158 --> 00:30:52,769 I guess you guys are just gonna have to rape me. 464 00:30:52,837 --> 00:30:55,805 Oh, no, please don't rape me. 465 00:30:58,918 --> 00:31:02,846 Taffy? God! Fucking blacks! 466 00:31:08,322 --> 00:31:11,486 The nation's anti-tobacco lobby won another victory today... 467 00:31:11,554 --> 00:31:15,864 when Congress passed legislation restricting smoking within U.S. borders... 468 00:31:15,938 --> 00:31:18,207 to a single room in Iowa. 469 00:31:18,274 --> 00:31:20,827 - Traffic was backed up from Nevada all the way to lowa... 470 00:31:20,898 --> 00:31:23,200 as smokers tried to get to the lounge. 471 00:31:23,266 --> 00:31:26,430 Move the car, you old, fucking bitch! 472 00:31:26,498 --> 00:31:29,280 Smokers from across the country are making the long journey... 473 00:31:29,346 --> 00:31:33,274 to the 10-by-10 smoker's lounge in Des Moines, Iowa. 474 00:31:33,345 --> 00:31:37,055 I drove all the way from San Francisco just to sneak a smoke in on my lunch break. 475 00:31:37,122 --> 00:31:39,872 I'm supposed to be back at work in 10 minutes. 476 00:31:39,938 --> 00:31:43,386 It's a 37-hour drive. It's fuckin' bullshit! 477 00:31:43,458 --> 00:31:47,352 In legal news, a judge has declared local aerobics instructor... 478 00:31:47,426 --> 00:31:52,477 and accused murderer, Jennifer Porter, too fit to stand trial. 479 00:31:52,545 --> 00:31:55,262 Judge Edward Conlin said that the suspect... 480 00:31:55,329 --> 00:31:58,264 with her washboard abs and powerful leg muscles... 481 00:31:58,338 --> 00:32:00,826 is of too sound body... 482 00:32:00,898 --> 00:32:04,127 to be tried for the killing of her ex-lover. 483 00:32:47,402 --> 00:32:50,052 According to a new medical study... 484 00:32:50,121 --> 00:32:53,318 depression hits losers hardest. 485 00:32:53,386 --> 00:32:56,550 The study found that extreme, debilitating depression... 486 00:32:56,618 --> 00:32:59,814 most commonly afflicts those who are total screw-ups... 487 00:32:59,882 --> 00:33:02,053 who can't do anything right. 488 00:33:08,266 --> 00:33:10,120 Are you ready? 489 00:33:11,146 --> 00:33:13,013 Oooh. 490 00:33:13,013 --> 00:33:17,291 # Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat # 491 00:33:17,365 --> 00:33:21,905 #And when you hold my hand Oh, I can hardly speak # 492 00:33:21,974 --> 00:33:26,862 # But there's one kind of lovin' that we can't do face to face # 493 00:33:26,934 --> 00:33:32,368 # So let me give you some affection just below your waist # 494 00:33:32,438 --> 00:33:35,438 - I like that. - # Oh, yeah, I'm down on my knees for you # 495 00:33:35,510 --> 00:33:39,339 # I'm beggin' please, please for you # 496 00:33:39,414 --> 00:33:43,953 # Oh, got so much love I need to show it # 497 00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:47,405 # It's a big job Don't wanna blow it # 498 00:33:47,477 --> 00:33:50,511 # Oh, yeah Oh, yeah # 499 00:33:50,582 --> 00:33:53,451 # Oh # 500 00:33:55,222 --> 00:33:57,294 # Baby Down on my knees # 501 00:33:57,366 --> 00:33:59,221 # Beggin' please, please ## 502 00:33:59,286 --> 00:34:01,969 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures, Steven Seagal is- 503 00:34:02,038 --> 00:34:06,228 Hey, welcome to Volt Village. My name's Dirk. What can I help you find today? 504 00:34:06,294 --> 00:34:08,595 Hey, Dirk. Um, my computer... 505 00:34:08,662 --> 00:34:11,728 it's a few years old, and I feel like I'm ready for a new one. 506 00:34:11,798 --> 00:34:14,667 I got just the thing. 507 00:34:14,742 --> 00:34:18,320 The Bates 4000. Absolute cutting-edge. 508 00:34:18,389 --> 00:34:21,007 These babies came in on Tuesday. They're packed, man. 509 00:34:21,077 --> 00:34:23,281 Eighty "G's" of RAM. 510 00:34:23,349 --> 00:34:26,219 We're talking a quad-port 900 processor... 511 00:34:26,294 --> 00:34:28,879 D.V.K. compatible memory card... 512 00:34:28,949 --> 00:34:30,804 dual-burning DVD drives... 513 00:34:30,869 --> 00:34:33,903 plus a 16,000 C.T.C. combo-drive... 514 00:34:33,974 --> 00:34:36,592 with a plus-four digital upgrade card. 515 00:34:36,662 --> 00:34:39,477 This will knock the shit out of your ass. 516 00:34:41,110 --> 00:34:44,623 Well, I'm just looking for your basic, simple home computer. 517 00:34:44,694 --> 00:34:48,655 I know, your wife has you by the purse strings. But you know what? 518 00:34:48,726 --> 00:34:51,246 This is the Bates 4000. It doesn't get any better than this. 519 00:34:51,318 --> 00:34:53,806 It's not going anywhere. This is the future. 520 00:34:53,878 --> 00:34:56,528 Well, I have the Bates 1000 and that worked- 521 00:34:56,597 --> 00:34:58,866 Oh, excuse me. You have the Bates 1000. 522 00:34:58,934 --> 00:35:02,447 Oh, that's great! Fuck, man, wow! 523 00:35:02,518 --> 00:35:05,965 Maybe you should talk to a homeless woman outside 'cause maybe she'll be impressed. 524 00:35:06,037 --> 00:35:08,044 Those things are barbaric. 525 00:35:08,117 --> 00:35:10,932 I mean, last time I checked, they didn't even have a delete key on it. 526 00:35:10,997 --> 00:35:15,634 I'm joking, of course. But look, this is the future. You get my point? 527 00:35:15,701 --> 00:35:18,735 - Yeah. - Okay? Let's write you up. 528 00:35:18,806 --> 00:35:22,221 - All right, let's do it. - All right, my friend. 529 00:35:26,486 --> 00:35:29,519 Wow, honey. Are you sure we needed such a fancy one? 530 00:35:29,589 --> 00:35:32,240 You kidding? This thing's got a quad-port 900 processor... 531 00:35:32,309 --> 00:35:35,091 and a 16,000 C.T.D. combo-drive with- 532 00:35:35,157 --> 00:35:39,052 Dude, you're not still using the Bates 4000, are you? 533 00:35:39,126 --> 00:35:41,166 That thing's ancient. 534 00:35:41,238 --> 00:35:43,376 - Really? - Really. 535 00:35:43,446 --> 00:35:48,628 You got to get you one of these: the Bates 5000. 536 00:35:48,693 --> 00:35:50,701 Absolute cutting-edge. 537 00:35:50,774 --> 00:35:54,123 Wow, that is newer. Thanks. 538 00:35:56,182 --> 00:35:57,970 The new Bates 5000. 539 00:35:58,037 --> 00:36:01,420 Throw your 4000 away. It's a piece of shit. 540 00:36:11,446 --> 00:36:14,446 This is Hard Drive Hal, your computer expert. 541 00:36:14,517 --> 00:36:17,834 My guest today is Bates C.E.O. Gil Bates. 542 00:36:17,910 --> 00:36:21,390 Now, he's here to talk about perhaps the most powerful machine ever built: 543 00:36:21,462 --> 00:36:24,942 the Bates 6000, and it's available in stores right now. 544 00:36:27,957 --> 00:36:30,674 Asshole! 545 00:36:37,366 --> 00:36:39,700 Hey, I just dropped off a shipment of the Bates 7000s. 546 00:36:39,765 --> 00:36:42,285 Now, what do you want me to do with the leftover 6000s? 547 00:36:42,357 --> 00:36:46,416 6000s? Throw 'em in the fucking garbage where they belong. 548 00:36:49,365 --> 00:36:53,009 That's right. Twice the memory capacity of the 8000. 549 00:36:53,078 --> 00:36:56,012 Mr. Bates, you have a visitor. - Hang on. Come in. 550 00:36:56,085 --> 00:36:58,736 Hi. 551 00:37:19,106 --> 00:37:22,886 Bates was 42. 552 00:37:22,886 --> 00:37:26,464 In other news, after a six-month stint at the Betty King Clinic... 553 00:37:26,534 --> 00:37:29,403 actor Bryce Brand finally returned home today. 554 00:37:29,477 --> 00:37:33,787 That's right, Norm. I'm here outside superstar Bryce Brand's Hollywood Hills mansion... 555 00:37:33,862 --> 00:37:38,619 where, at any moment, he's due to return from his stay at the Betty King Clinic. 556 00:37:38,693 --> 00:37:40,865 Bryce! 557 00:37:44,581 --> 00:37:46,850 Bobby, baby! 558 00:37:46,917 --> 00:37:49,372 - Bryce. - Bobby, baby! 559 00:37:49,445 --> 00:37:52,860 Bobby, baby! 560 00:37:52,933 --> 00:37:55,803 - I'm back! - You look great. 561 00:37:55,878 --> 00:38:00,034 I cannot tell you how good I feel now that I'm off the drugs... 562 00:38:00,101 --> 00:38:02,108 and high on life. 563 00:38:02,181 --> 00:38:04,221 Hey, that's what they're saying. 564 00:38:05,253 --> 00:38:10,687 Oh, man, was I a mess. 565 00:38:10,757 --> 00:38:14,270 But all that's changed now that I'm clean and sober. 566 00:38:14,341 --> 00:38:19,360 You know, I never knew how amazing life can be without the haze of drugs. 567 00:38:19,430 --> 00:38:23,488 It's just the little things, like... 568 00:38:23,557 --> 00:38:26,241 smelling the flowers- 569 00:38:28,645 --> 00:38:32,988 Or watching the sunset, or just walking along the beach. 570 00:38:33,061 --> 00:38:37,404 You know, these things get me way higher than drugs ever could. 571 00:38:37,478 --> 00:38:39,649 That's great, um, Bryce. 572 00:38:39,717 --> 00:38:43,394 So, we have got a lot of catching up to do with your career. 573 00:38:43,461 --> 00:38:45,796 Now I brought a script. It is fantastic. 574 00:38:45,862 --> 00:38:48,382 Actually, your part is comedic. Uh, sort of a wise-cracking- 575 00:38:48,453 --> 00:38:50,690 Bob, this chamomile is so amazing. 576 00:38:50,758 --> 00:38:54,173 It is blowing my mind, man. Smell this. 577 00:38:54,246 --> 00:38:56,417 No. Thank you, though. 578 00:38:56,485 --> 00:38:59,551 Um, back to the script. Again, it took a lot to get this- 579 00:38:59,621 --> 00:39:01,858 Bob, one thing sobriety has taught me... 580 00:39:01,926 --> 00:39:05,886 is that you have to take time out to enjoy life's little pleasures. 581 00:39:05,957 --> 00:39:08,827 Can you put the tea down for a sec? 582 00:39:10,373 --> 00:39:13,406 - Bryce? - Oh, my God. 583 00:39:13,477 --> 00:39:15,714 - Bryce. - Oh, my God. 584 00:39:40,121 --> 00:39:42,870 The nation's rapidly growing prison population... 585 00:39:42,938 --> 00:39:45,588 which recently passed the 20 million mark... 586 00:39:45,657 --> 00:39:48,243 has created a severe overcrowding problem. 587 00:39:48,313 --> 00:39:50,647 In an attempt to alleviate the overcrowding... 588 00:39:50,713 --> 00:39:54,096 the government announced today that a random selection of U.S. households... 589 00:39:54,169 --> 00:39:57,038 will be asked to take prisoners into their homes. 590 00:40:02,030 --> 00:40:05,707 Hi. Uh, I'm Dick. 591 00:40:07,246 --> 00:40:09,101 This-This is my wife, Sarah. 592 00:40:09,166 --> 00:40:10,889 This is our daughter, Allie. 593 00:40:11,457 --> 00:40:14,938 And this is our son, Bobby. He's 10. 594 00:40:15,010 --> 00:40:17,792 Welcome to our home. 595 00:40:17,857 --> 00:40:19,712 'Sup. 596 00:40:26,350 --> 00:40:28,651 Don't drop this shit on me, bitch! 597 00:40:35,718 --> 00:40:40,507 What the fuck are you doing? Don't just stand there! Get your man something to drink! 598 00:40:46,597 --> 00:40:49,499 Damn, it's good to see some women. 599 00:40:49,573 --> 00:40:51,428 Mm-mm-mm. 600 00:40:51,493 --> 00:40:55,486 Mr. Prisoner, my tattoo hurts. 601 00:40:55,557 --> 00:40:57,859 Lights out, guys. 602 00:40:59,781 --> 00:41:02,334 If successful, another 20,000 prisoners... 603 00:41:02,406 --> 00:41:06,530 will be moved to suburban homes by the first of next month. 604 00:41:10,086 --> 00:41:13,020 Hello and welcome once again to Focus on Film. 605 00:41:13,093 --> 00:41:14,948 I'm Kenneth Garber. 606 00:41:15,013 --> 00:41:17,631 And I'm joined by Kwame Roberts... 607 00:41:17,701 --> 00:41:20,549 president of the National Coalition of African Americans... 608 00:41:20,613 --> 00:41:25,370 and James Nakatami, director of the Asian American Alliance for Equality. 609 00:41:25,446 --> 00:41:27,835 Mr. Roberts, let's start with you. 610 00:41:27,909 --> 00:41:33,027 Your organization is not pleased with this film's depiction of African Americans. 611 00:41:33,093 --> 00:41:35,843 Oh, that is absolutely correct, Kenneth. 612 00:41:35,909 --> 00:41:38,113 We are just about halfway through the film... 613 00:41:38,181 --> 00:41:41,694 and we've yet to see a dignified portrayal of a person of color. 614 00:41:41,766 --> 00:41:46,021 So far, we've only been shown as vicious criminals or sex fiends. 615 00:41:46,085 --> 00:41:47,973 Just take a look at that last sketch. 616 00:41:48,037 --> 00:41:50,273 So, what specifically is your group demanding? 617 00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:54,203 The filmmakers put a positive black role model on that screen in the next 10 minutes... 618 00:41:54,277 --> 00:41:58,718 or we will be organizing a nationwide walkout of black moviegoers. 619 00:41:58,790 --> 00:42:02,051 That means every single African American currently watching this film... 620 00:42:02,117 --> 00:42:03,972 will exit the theater. 621 00:42:04,037 --> 00:42:06,209 Mr. Nakatami, you are equally unhappy? 622 00:42:06,277 --> 00:42:08,830 Thus far, there are maybe one... 623 00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:12,698 or, at the most, two, three Asian faces in the film. 624 00:42:12,773 --> 00:42:15,872 How do you feel about such gross underrepresentation? 625 00:42:15,941 --> 00:42:18,723 Me no "rikey." 626 00:42:20,518 --> 00:42:22,044 Excuse me? 627 00:42:22,117 --> 00:42:24,354 Me no "rikey." 628 00:42:34,421 --> 00:42:38,196 And... back to the film. 629 00:42:38,421 --> 00:42:41,323 In legal news, local 18-year-old Joey Frankel... 630 00:42:41,397 --> 00:42:45,521 is suing for the right to be sexually harassed in the workplace. 631 00:42:45,589 --> 00:42:49,037 Frankel, an employee at Carl's Copy Shop in Phoenix... 632 00:42:49,110 --> 00:42:51,281 alleged that during his three years there... 633 00:42:51,349 --> 00:42:56,205 not a single female coworker made inappropriate sexual advances toward him... 634 00:42:56,277 --> 00:42:58,928 either verbal or physical. 635 00:43:00,117 --> 00:43:02,157 In other news, health officials have confirmed... 636 00:43:02,229 --> 00:43:05,011 that a potentially deadly airborne virus... 637 00:43:05,078 --> 00:43:07,533 has been spreading across eastern Canada. 638 00:43:07,606 --> 00:43:11,184 And is now moving south towards the coast of- 639 00:43:21,877 --> 00:43:23,732 Hey, Norm. 640 00:43:28,981 --> 00:43:30,835 Hey, Norm. Okay. 641 00:43:30,901 --> 00:43:33,999 - Oh, there goes Norm again. - He looks pissed. 642 00:43:44,629 --> 00:43:46,866 Onion tip line. What do you got? 643 00:43:50,133 --> 00:43:51,988 - All right. Listen to me. - Hi, Norm. 644 00:43:52,053 --> 00:43:56,309 Our job isn't to advertise our parent company's movie via goddamn penguin. 645 00:43:56,373 --> 00:43:59,634 Our job is to deliver to the American people... 646 00:43:59,701 --> 00:44:02,734 fair, balanced, hard-hitting news. 647 00:44:02,805 --> 00:44:07,856 In this crazy world, the Onion may be the only news source that people can truly trust. 648 00:44:07,925 --> 00:44:10,925 Look, don't be so naive, Norm. This is a business. 649 00:44:13,461 --> 00:44:16,723 Listen, Norm. I know you're not gonna want to hear this. 650 00:44:16,789 --> 00:44:18,698 But the suits at Global Tetrahedron... 651 00:44:18,773 --> 00:44:22,450 want you to open up Friday's broadcast with a slightly different lead story. 652 00:44:25,589 --> 00:44:28,622 But Friday is the day Azmenistan gave Sloravia... 653 00:44:28,693 --> 00:44:31,563 as a deadline for pulling out of the Uzbagiyak region. 654 00:44:31,637 --> 00:44:34,898 It's also the day that Cockpuncher opens. 655 00:44:34,966 --> 00:44:38,894 I mean, this Azmenistani, uh, sloppy ground thing is all well and good, right? 656 00:44:38,965 --> 00:44:41,354 But it's a million miles away. Nobody gives a fuck about it. 657 00:44:41,429 --> 00:44:44,942 The more important news story right now is Cockpuncher mania. 658 00:44:45,013 --> 00:44:47,086 It's sweeping the nation. 659 00:44:47,157 --> 00:44:49,906 And it better sweep your newscast Friday. 660 00:44:51,701 --> 00:44:53,010 Take a putt? 661 00:44:54,133 --> 00:44:55,540 No? 662 00:45:05,045 --> 00:45:08,493 You owe me a pound, you son of a bitch. I made that last one. 663 00:45:08,693 --> 00:45:11,246 From Global Tetrahedron Pictures... 664 00:45:11,317 --> 00:45:13,706 - Steven Seagal is- - Awesome! 665 00:45:13,781 --> 00:45:17,937 Goddamn whorish corporate plugs. 666 00:45:20,597 --> 00:45:22,451 I'm a newsman, damn it. 667 00:45:22,517 --> 00:45:24,622 Oh! 668 00:45:28,053 --> 00:45:30,923 - Cockpuncher. - I don't think you have the balls. 669 00:45:30,997 --> 00:45:34,445 Oh, I cannot wait for Friday. 670 00:45:38,165 --> 00:45:40,500 - Excuse me, sir. - What can I get you? 671 00:45:40,565 --> 00:45:43,598 No, thank you. I don't drink, or use drugs for that matter. 672 00:45:43,669 --> 00:45:47,466 No. I was just wondering if you could give me directions to the local library. 673 00:45:47,541 --> 00:45:51,054 Um, two blocks down and left on Second. 674 00:45:51,125 --> 00:45:54,354 Thank you very much. You have a wonderful evening. 675 00:45:59,957 --> 00:46:02,575 Mm-hmm. 676 00:46:07,765 --> 00:46:10,099 Thank you. You have a wonderful evening. 677 00:46:57,897 --> 00:47:01,410 Uh, help? 678 00:47:02,697 --> 00:47:05,796 Has your penis become stuck in a library book return slot? 679 00:47:05,865 --> 00:47:09,280 Call Kostman's, the penis people. 680 00:47:09,353 --> 00:47:11,208 We've been the tri-county area's... 681 00:47:11,273 --> 00:47:13,444 penis retrieval experts for 64 years. 682 00:47:13,513 --> 00:47:17,343 We'll get any penis out of any slot for $39.95. 683 00:47:17,417 --> 00:47:19,555 That's my personal guarantee. 684 00:47:19,625 --> 00:47:23,422 So don't just sit there hoping that your penis will somehow magically free itself. 685 00:47:24,457 --> 00:47:26,082 Call Kostman's. 686 00:47:26,152 --> 00:47:28,771 - Dave got my penis out. - Dave got my penis out. 687 00:47:31,113 --> 00:47:33,284 Dave got my penis out. 688 00:47:33,353 --> 00:47:35,971 Dave got all our penises out! 689 00:47:36,041 --> 00:47:37,896 Kostman's, the penis people. 690 00:47:42,793 --> 00:47:44,648 This week's campaign is gonna rule. 691 00:47:44,713 --> 00:47:47,266 I can't wait for the assault on castle Dragonflame. 692 00:47:47,337 --> 00:47:49,541 I know. It's gonna be super totally awesome. 693 00:47:49,609 --> 00:47:53,951 I have a third-level elven cleric I can't wait to pit against my foes. 694 00:47:54,025 --> 00:47:57,374 Well, uh, don't count on it being too awesome. Look who just showed up. 695 00:48:00,073 --> 00:48:05,091 Well, what have we stumbled upon here? 696 00:48:05,160 --> 00:48:06,916 Oh, shit. 697 00:48:06,985 --> 00:48:09,472 Dare you challenge the might of Proteus the Invincible? 698 00:48:12,297 --> 00:48:16,999 Ah, I see there are some beardless saplings with us this afternoon... 699 00:48:17,065 --> 00:48:20,000 who have ne'er tasted my blade. 700 00:48:20,073 --> 00:48:21,895 This douche bag ruins everything. 701 00:48:21,961 --> 00:48:24,132 Prepare for total devastation. 702 00:48:26,345 --> 00:48:28,712 The magical wizardry, expert chaos techniques... 703 00:48:28,777 --> 00:48:32,322 and incomparable equipment roster of Proteus the Invincible... 704 00:48:32,392 --> 00:48:37,411 will make short work of all pretenders to the throne. 705 00:48:47,337 --> 00:48:49,192 Okay, Lyle. 706 00:48:49,257 --> 00:48:53,316 How's about letting some of the younger guys have a chance today? 707 00:48:53,385 --> 00:48:55,272 Okay? 708 00:48:55,336 --> 00:48:58,566 When it comes to Wizards and Warbeasts, I expect no quarter. 709 00:48:58,633 --> 00:49:00,804 And none shall be given. 710 00:49:02,953 --> 00:49:04,808 All right. 711 00:49:14,121 --> 00:49:18,398 Now that I have readied my provisions for the day's foray into the fairy realms... 712 00:49:20,809 --> 00:49:23,394 let the slaughter begin. 713 00:50:08,681 --> 00:50:11,528 None remain standing before me. 714 00:50:11,593 --> 00:50:15,870 All have fallen before the might of my broadsword. 715 00:50:31,845 --> 00:50:36,449 Hope you're happy, Lyle. You just ruined another Saturday for the whole gaming club. 716 00:50:36,517 --> 00:50:39,299 What care I for the sniveling excuses of the weak? 717 00:50:39,364 --> 00:50:42,081 They shall bow before my wrath. 718 00:50:42,148 --> 00:50:46,905 In the realm of fantasy, only the strong shall survive to conquer another day. 719 00:50:46,981 --> 00:50:49,370 Whatever. 720 00:50:55,205 --> 00:50:58,914 Alas, the day's adventuring is now done... 721 00:50:58,981 --> 00:51:02,592 and I must take the number two bus back home. 722 00:51:02,660 --> 00:51:07,450 If only I could live in the world of fantasy forever... 723 00:51:07,525 --> 00:51:10,492 instead of being forced to put up with this banal realm... 724 00:51:10,565 --> 00:51:13,118 and its silly, weak-minded mortals. 725 00:51:15,109 --> 00:51:19,964 Oh, how I wish I could live in the realm of Wizards and Warbeasts... 726 00:51:20,036 --> 00:51:22,589 ruling the land as a mighty conqueror... 727 00:51:22,660 --> 00:51:27,646 smiting orcs and ogres alike with my trusty broadsword. 728 00:51:27,716 --> 00:51:32,255 Proteus the Invincible? 729 00:51:32,324 --> 00:51:36,667 - I have heard your plea. - What? 730 00:51:36,741 --> 00:51:42,437 - Who-Who goes there? - It is I, Gygax, demon of the Astral plane. 731 00:51:42,501 --> 00:51:46,363 Never before have I seen your equal among the mortals that play this game. 732 00:51:46,437 --> 00:51:48,990 What's going on? Guys? 733 00:51:49,061 --> 00:51:52,192 I have chosen to grant your wish, Proteus the Invincible. 734 00:51:53,349 --> 00:51:57,026 Come forth into the land of legends. 735 00:52:01,861 --> 00:52:04,097 God. Where am I? 736 00:52:06,085 --> 00:52:07,939 Ow! 737 00:52:28,037 --> 00:52:30,339 Oh, God. Where am I? 738 00:52:30,405 --> 00:52:33,536 Proteus. 739 00:52:38,245 --> 00:52:41,628 Prepare to piss thyself, human. 740 00:52:43,237 --> 00:52:46,499 No, no, no. No. No. No. No. Please. 741 00:52:50,053 --> 00:52:52,704 Fucking geek. 742 00:52:52,773 --> 00:52:55,423 After last night's heartbreaking loss in Los Angeles... 743 00:52:55,492 --> 00:52:59,900 basketball star Dashante Jackson had harsh words for the lord. 744 00:52:59,972 --> 00:53:02,339 You know, I'd like to put the blame on God tonight... 745 00:53:02,404 --> 00:53:06,779 for not blessing me with the talent to hit the game-winnin' three-pointer tonight. 746 00:53:06,852 --> 00:53:10,780 You know, without him, I would truly be goin' to the play-offs. 747 00:53:10,852 --> 00:53:13,154 Bitch, I don't know why you do this shit to me! 748 00:53:15,940 --> 00:53:19,737 In news from our nation's capital, a group of Alzheimer's disease sufferers... 749 00:53:19,813 --> 00:53:23,129 marched on Washington today demanding a cure for pancakes. 750 00:53:26,885 --> 00:53:32,187 Until this teakettle is cured... 751 00:53:32,260 --> 00:53:36,603 there will never be enough bread in the laundry! 752 00:53:36,676 --> 00:53:38,367 Ding-dong! 753 00:53:38,436 --> 00:53:40,771 Karate! 754 00:53:40,837 --> 00:53:42,942 Give 'em hell! 755 00:55:07,601 --> 00:55:09,935 Hi. I'm Michael Bolton. 756 00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:11,855 Did you know that all over the world... 757 00:55:11,920 --> 00:55:14,571 there are millions of children living in extreme poverty? 758 00:55:14,640 --> 00:55:18,568 For more than 40 years, the What About the Children Foundation has been making... 759 00:55:18,640 --> 00:55:22,088 a difference in the lives of kids throughout the third world. 760 00:55:22,161 --> 00:55:24,016 And so can you... 761 00:55:24,081 --> 00:55:26,502 by adopting a What About the Children sponsor child. 762 00:55:26,576 --> 00:55:29,478 But don't take my word for it. Take Dibo's. 763 00:55:29,552 --> 00:55:32,040 Hello. I am Dibo. 764 00:55:32,113 --> 00:55:34,960 - Come. - Thanks to What About the Children... 765 00:55:35,024 --> 00:55:38,188 Dibo has seen his standard of living soar well above the level... 766 00:55:38,256 --> 00:55:40,591 of his pathetic poverty-stricken village. 767 00:55:40,657 --> 00:55:42,479 The What About The Children Foundation... 768 00:55:42,544 --> 00:55:44,748 is able to provide a child like Dibo... 769 00:55:44,816 --> 00:55:47,686 with some of the little things in life we so often take for granted. 770 00:55:47,761 --> 00:55:52,681 - Thanks, Jimmy. - Like electricity, fresh water, indoor plumbing... 771 00:55:52,752 --> 00:55:54,989 a 42 inch plasma-screen television... 772 00:55:55,057 --> 00:55:57,675 the latest Sony PlayStation video game... 773 00:55:57,744 --> 00:56:00,428 1,000 thread count Egyptian-cotton sheets... 774 00:56:00,497 --> 00:56:02,733 a subscription to the Wall StreetJournal... 775 00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:05,550 and selections from Marc Jacobs' Men's Spring Collection. 776 00:56:10,417 --> 00:56:12,272 Get your own sponsor family! 777 00:56:16,432 --> 00:56:20,588 Thank goodness the McCormicks sent me a security system to keep these animals out. 778 00:56:20,657 --> 00:56:24,431 Thank you, Dibo. It's stories like yours that make it all worthwhile. 779 00:56:26,992 --> 00:56:31,335 In breaking news, we now join Dana Dobbs in Lake Shore Bluff... 780 00:56:31,408 --> 00:56:35,369 where a verdict has just been handed down in the Timothy Shanahan trial. 781 00:56:35,440 --> 00:56:38,026 Dana, what's the latest on the situation? 782 00:56:38,097 --> 00:56:39,951 Well, Norm, as you can see... 783 00:56:40,017 --> 00:56:41,871 I'm here outside the First District Federal Courthouse... 784 00:56:41,937 --> 00:56:46,443 where this angry mob of Negroes is rioting over the guilty verdict... 785 00:56:46,512 --> 00:56:48,400 in the Timothy Shanahan case. 786 00:56:54,352 --> 00:56:56,719 We will keep you posted. 787 00:56:56,785 --> 00:56:58,956 - Thanks, Dana. - Thank you, Norm. 788 00:56:59,025 --> 00:57:01,840 Those crazy Negroes. 789 00:57:01,905 --> 00:57:04,588 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 790 00:57:04,656 --> 00:57:06,566 Enter. 791 00:57:06,641 --> 00:57:08,495 Pardon me, General. Your meeting is about to start. 792 00:57:08,561 --> 00:57:10,415 - #Take me from behind # - Yeah. 793 00:57:10,481 --> 00:57:15,434 So, as you can see, generals, Deathco Amalgamated's M-47 "Jumpin' Johnny" land mine... 794 00:57:15,504 --> 00:57:21,221 earned a triple-A rating in field trials and boasts a 98% kill-through ratio... 795 00:57:21,297 --> 00:57:25,225 making it the best land mine for the government's dollar. 796 00:57:31,984 --> 00:57:34,318 Nah, we're gonna pass. 797 00:57:34,385 --> 00:57:36,239 Thanks anyway. 798 00:58:29,536 --> 00:58:31,391 Fuck! 799 00:58:32,577 --> 00:58:34,911 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 800 00:58:34,976 --> 00:58:39,733 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 801 00:58:39,809 --> 00:58:42,842 Fuck, fuck! 802 00:58:44,032 --> 00:58:46,072 You call yourself a salesman? 803 00:58:46,144 --> 00:58:50,203 We spent $400 billion of the company's money developing these land mines for the military! 804 00:58:50,272 --> 00:58:52,760 You'd better find a way to unload these things! 805 00:58:52,832 --> 00:58:55,254 Tired of backbreaking yard work? 806 00:58:55,328 --> 00:58:58,427 Then jump back for Jumpin' Johnny! 807 00:58:59,552 --> 00:59:02,073 Jumpin' Johnny blasts weeds to pieces! 808 00:59:02,145 --> 00:59:03,868 Frags ragweed... 809 00:59:03,936 --> 00:59:06,009 crabgrass, dandelions... 810 00:59:06,081 --> 00:59:07,226 rabbits... 811 00:59:07,297 --> 00:59:08,573 raccoons... 812 00:59:08,640 --> 00:59:10,396 even elephants. 813 00:59:10,464 --> 00:59:12,799 So, what are you waiting for? Get Jumpin' Johnny today! 814 00:59:16,224 --> 00:59:20,283 It's now time for our weekly Inspirational Portrait. 815 00:59:21,248 --> 00:59:24,510 This week, the Brendan Laroux story. 816 00:59:24,577 --> 00:59:27,708 Brendan Laroux's story is one of dreams. 817 00:59:27,776 --> 00:59:30,809 As a young boy, he wanted to become a dancer... 818 00:59:30,880 --> 00:59:33,531 but at the age of 12, he lost his legs. 819 00:59:33,600 --> 00:59:35,837 Now, this would be a setback for any youngster... 820 01:00:44,508 --> 01:00:50,567 Without my wrists, there was nothing to keep my hands attached to my arms. 821 01:00:50,636 --> 01:00:55,175 So, even though my hands were fine, l- I lost them too. 822 01:00:57,744 --> 01:01:02,120 Now, Brendan may not have had as many hands and legs as the other boys... 823 01:01:02,192 --> 01:01:05,745 ...but he more than made up for that with hard work and sweat. 824 01:01:07,221 --> 01:01:09,470 He quickly moved to the junior ranks... 825 01:01:11,536 --> 01:01:15,576 ...and in 1997 he got the call he'd been waiting for his whole life. 826 01:01:15,576 --> 01:01:19,766 The coach said, "How would you like to be pro hockey's... 827 01:01:19,832 --> 01:01:22,394 first legless, handless player?" 828 01:01:22,694 --> 01:01:26,694 And I said "Coach I'm your man... 829 01:01:28,194 --> 01:01:30,694 I'm your man." 830 01:01:31,268 --> 01:01:36,003 It was an inspiring night, full of inspiration. 831 01:01:40,068 --> 01:01:42,056 But then, two days later... 832 01:01:42,056 --> 01:01:44,991 Brendan found out that his rib cage was backwards... 833 01:01:45,064 --> 01:01:49,342 leaving his spine exposed, and that he needed a complete muscle transplant. 834 01:01:49,417 --> 01:01:52,134 The risky surgery lasted 720 hours. 835 01:01:52,200 --> 01:01:54,087 Brendan came back better than ever. 836 01:01:57,100 --> 01:02:00,144 Brendan persevered and was selected M. V.P. 837 01:02:00,144 --> 01:02:05,295 Just when it seemed like the dark clouds had finally passed, Brendan contracted scurvy... 838 01:02:05,360 --> 01:02:09,254 went bankrupt, and his wife was eaten by wolves. 839 01:02:09,328 --> 01:02:12,012 He was also molested by his Uncle Jerry. 840 01:02:12,080 --> 01:02:15,691 Today, Brendan's journey has opened the door for many athletes... 841 01:02:15,761 --> 01:02:17,800 who never would have been given a chance... 842 01:02:17,872 --> 01:02:22,215 if he hadn't broken down pro sports' physical ability barrier. 843 01:02:22,288 --> 01:02:26,379 Athletes like Emma Heathcoat, cerebral-palsy sufferer... 844 01:02:26,448 --> 01:02:28,968 and three-time national equestrian champ. 845 01:02:31,696 --> 01:02:35,045 Blind stockcar driver, Bobby Templeton. 846 01:02:40,400 --> 01:02:42,953 Deaf Olympic sprinter Craig Connors. 847 01:02:47,632 --> 01:02:51,626 Gil Sarinen, the world's first professional comatose diver... 848 01:02:56,080 --> 01:02:59,626 and, of course, Chicago shooting guard Herbie Cohn... 849 01:03:00,592 --> 01:03:03,243 who was born with Judaism. 850 01:03:07,888 --> 01:03:12,623 Yes, none of it would have been possible without Brendan Laroux... 851 01:03:12,688 --> 01:03:16,037 a true Inspirational Portrait. 852 01:03:19,360 --> 01:03:21,781 In adult entertainment industry news... 853 01:03:21,856 --> 01:03:24,823 the nation's porn stars gathered today in Los Angeles... 854 01:03:24,896 --> 01:03:29,435 in a unified demand for stronger, more intense sexual intercourse. 855 01:03:29,505 --> 01:03:31,195 Fuck me with your big cock! 856 01:03:31,264 --> 01:03:34,166 - Give it to me harder! - Fuck me till I explode! 857 01:03:35,392 --> 01:03:39,931 Calling the tragedy a terrible, unintentional mistake... 858 01:03:40,000 --> 01:03:43,132 the Los Angeles Police Department issued an apology today... 859 01:03:43,200 --> 01:03:45,655 for the accidental shooting, clubbing... 860 01:03:45,728 --> 01:03:49,950 stabbing, firebombing, choking, impaling, electrocution... 861 01:03:50,016 --> 01:03:53,399 and lethal-injection death of an African-American man. 862 01:03:54,624 --> 01:03:57,111 I'm Kip Kendall reporting for the Onion News. 863 01:03:57,184 --> 01:04:01,308 - As the conflict between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepens... 864 01:04:01,376 --> 01:04:06,198 college campuses across this country have become a hotbed of political activity. 865 01:04:06,272 --> 01:04:09,753 We're here in Santa Cruz, California today. Let's listen in. 866 01:04:09,825 --> 01:04:13,141 Stop the violence. 867 01:04:13,216 --> 01:04:15,125 Stop the violence! 868 01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:25,000 Increase the peace! 869 01:04:25,044 --> 01:04:28,786 For the past three years, Sloravia and Azmenistan... 870 01:04:28,852 --> 01:04:32,081 they've been locked in a pointless and bloody war. 871 01:04:32,148 --> 01:04:35,793 Their cowardly leaders send innocent young men into battle to die. 872 01:04:43,504 --> 01:04:45,806 Well, you know what? 873 01:04:45,872 --> 01:04:49,517 We need to put those leaders in a room and let them fight it out! 874 01:04:55,476 --> 01:05:00,080 And you know what else? What these countries need to do, what they need to do- 875 01:05:00,148 --> 01:05:03,793 - Th-They need to listen to their women a little more. 876 01:05:03,860 --> 01:05:09,577 Because women create life, while men, they destroy it. 877 01:05:10,868 --> 01:05:13,389 So, let's all stand up against the corporate war machine... 878 01:05:13,460 --> 01:05:17,137 that only exists to do the imperialist agenda... 879 01:05:17,204 --> 01:05:20,051 against the- the oppressed minority. 880 01:05:20,116 --> 01:05:21,971 Right? 881 01:05:25,012 --> 01:05:29,420 Love your brother! Peace! One love. 882 01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:38,007 - Excuse me, Chad. - 'Sup? 883 01:05:38,080 --> 01:05:42,717 We're with the U.N. And let me just say, we are very impressed. 884 01:05:42,784 --> 01:05:45,686 What you said up there was dead on, Chad. Dead on. 885 01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:47,036 What? 886 01:05:47,104 --> 01:05:51,163 We want you to negotiate talks between Sloravia and Azmenistan. 887 01:05:52,192 --> 01:05:54,102 Shut up, dude. 888 01:05:54,176 --> 01:05:57,525 We're convinced you are the man who can finally bring peace to this troubled region. 889 01:05:58,880 --> 01:06:03,833 Will you do it, Chad? Will you help us increase the peace? 890 01:06:06,592 --> 01:06:09,854 - Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah, dude. I'm in! - Great. 891 01:06:09,920 --> 01:06:12,287 - Would you come with me, please? - Yeah. 892 01:06:17,536 --> 01:06:20,569 Your systematic campaign of aggression... 893 01:06:20,640 --> 01:06:23,324 against my country is the reason- 894 01:06:23,392 --> 01:06:28,759 Our military operations are purely in response to your violation of the treaty. 895 01:06:28,832 --> 01:06:31,483 - You are the one to violate the peace treaty! - We? 896 01:06:36,480 --> 01:06:38,334 Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. 897 01:06:38,400 --> 01:06:41,433 Guys, chill, chill. Let's take a chill pill here. 898 01:06:45,280 --> 01:06:50,997 Don't you guys realize that war, no matter how justified it may seem, it's not the answer. 899 01:06:52,672 --> 01:06:54,582 It's not? 900 01:06:55,808 --> 01:06:59,670 No, man. Love is the answer. 901 01:07:03,616 --> 01:07:08,504 Now, let's get this peace shit started. 902 01:07:16,639 --> 01:07:20,568 # A baby's born Old man dies # 903 01:07:20,640 --> 01:07:24,414 # One child's laughing while another child cries # 904 01:07:24,480 --> 01:07:29,531 # Seasons change right before my eyes # 905 01:07:32,864 --> 01:07:36,890 # The sun comes up The sun goes down # 906 01:07:36,960 --> 01:07:40,604 # The world takes another little spin around # 907 01:07:40,672 --> 01:07:45,047 # The tide rolls out The tide rolls in # 908 01:07:45,120 --> 01:07:49,822 # Life goes on And on again ## 909 01:08:36,831 --> 01:08:38,937 In international news... 910 01:08:39,008 --> 01:08:42,521 the crisis between Sloravia and Azmenistan deepened today... 911 01:08:42,591 --> 01:08:45,625 when the leaders of the two rival nations- 912 01:08:58,080 --> 01:09:02,869 Tomorrow is the deadline for Sloravia to pull out of the Uzbagiyak region. 913 01:09:02,944 --> 01:09:08,443 - If it's not our lead story, consider it my resignation. 914 01:09:11,264 --> 01:09:13,119 Cockpuncher mania. 915 01:09:27,136 --> 01:09:28,991 Two minutes, Norm. 916 01:10:40,384 --> 01:10:44,093 And now, the Onion News, America's finest news source. 917 01:10:44,159 --> 01:10:45,403 Honey, it's about to start. 918 01:10:45,471 --> 01:10:47,740 Featuring Dana Dobbs... 919 01:10:47,808 --> 01:10:50,197 senior correspondent, Kip Kendall... 920 01:10:50,271 --> 01:10:54,646 - and award-winning anchor, Norm Archer. - Good evening. 921 01:11:03,199 --> 01:11:07,738 For the past 27 years, I've sat at this desk... 922 01:11:07,807 --> 01:11:09,717 dedicating myself to one thing- 923 01:11:09,792 --> 01:11:13,272 delivering the news to you, the American viewing public... 924 01:11:13,344 --> 01:11:16,988 in the most fair, balanced, serious way possible. 925 01:11:17,055 --> 01:11:18,648 What's he doing? 926 01:11:18,719 --> 01:11:21,240 Well, things are changing in the news game... 927 01:11:21,312 --> 01:11:23,995 and I've been under pressure to change with them. 928 01:11:24,995 --> 01:11:28,995 Desperate to stay one step ahead of the competition... 929 01:11:29,064 --> 01:11:32,568 ...the powers that be at this network have done everything they can... 930 01:11:32,736 --> 01:11:34,743 ...to get me to compromise my values. 931 01:11:41,516 --> 01:11:43,207 So what do they want me to do? 932 01:11:43,276 --> 01:11:45,610 Plug our parent company's movies... 933 01:11:45,676 --> 01:11:48,578 and other products like a two-bit network news whore. 934 01:11:48,652 --> 01:11:50,212 Motherfucker. 935 01:11:50,283 --> 01:11:55,521 Well, I've been giving this whole ugly business a lot of thought... 936 01:11:55,595 --> 01:11:58,443 and just a few moments before going on the air tonight... 937 01:11:58,508 --> 01:12:00,712 I finally came to a conclusion. 938 01:12:00,780 --> 01:12:03,682 And that conclusion is- 939 01:12:03,756 --> 01:12:07,138 Nobody move or the anchor infidel dies! 940 01:12:08,939 --> 01:12:11,525 The Al-Q'Utaya terrorist organization... 941 01:12:11,596 --> 01:12:14,891 officially declares war on the decadent, immoral... 942 01:12:14,956 --> 01:12:17,508 United States of Satan. 943 01:12:17,579 --> 01:12:20,296 We shit on your country! And piss also! 944 01:12:21,580 --> 01:12:25,289 That was good. Tonight, on live television... 945 01:12:25,355 --> 01:12:30,571 the American people will watch this great spreader of Western lies... 946 01:12:30,636 --> 01:12:33,353 get blown to pieces... 947 01:12:37,920 --> 01:12:42,742 unless the United States government formally apologizes... 948 01:12:42,816 --> 01:12:45,882 for its rotting, immoral culture. 949 01:12:50,452 --> 01:12:52,492 Like that's gonna happen. 950 01:12:52,564 --> 01:12:55,979 Are you listening, Mr. President? 951 01:12:57,052 --> 01:13:00,849 - We might be fucked, sir. - We will do it. 952 01:13:00,923 --> 01:13:04,051 We will kill him right here if you do not meet our demands! 953 01:13:04,051 --> 01:13:05,906 Oh, yeah? 954 01:13:08,819 --> 01:13:10,674 I don't think you have the balls. 955 01:13:11,924 --> 01:13:13,134 Cockpuncher! 956 01:13:13,203 --> 01:13:17,000 Ahmed, it is the mighty puncher of cocks. 957 01:13:41,515 --> 01:13:43,042 I'm hungry. 958 01:13:43,115 --> 01:13:47,458 I could sure go for a sundae topped with... crushed nuts. 959 01:13:47,532 --> 01:13:51,274 Yummy. 960 01:13:51,340 --> 01:13:54,885 Cockpuncher! Fuck him up! 961 01:14:07,852 --> 01:14:08,800 Come on! 962 01:14:14,483 --> 01:14:17,549 I believe you'll be releasing Norm now. 963 01:14:17,619 --> 01:14:21,067 Not so fast, Cockpuncher. 964 01:14:23,604 --> 01:14:26,059 Cock blocked. 965 01:14:27,860 --> 01:14:32,595 Those clever terrorists. They blocked their cocks. 966 01:14:32,660 --> 01:14:35,213 Maybe I can be of some assistance. 967 01:15:09,784 --> 01:15:12,239 Hit it, boys! 968 01:15:12,880 --> 01:15:17,076 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 969 01:15:17,143 --> 01:15:21,366 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 970 01:15:21,431 --> 01:15:25,555 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 971 01:15:25,623 --> 01:15:29,420 - # But what I really want is for you-# - Come on, Cherry. 972 01:15:29,496 --> 01:15:32,081 # Oh, yeah # 973 01:15:32,151 --> 01:15:34,639 What the fuck is going on? 974 01:15:54,711 --> 01:15:57,078 Ahman, think unsexy thoughts! 975 01:15:57,143 --> 01:15:59,248 Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. 976 01:15:59,319 --> 01:16:01,741 Think unsexy thoughts. 977 01:16:14,584 --> 01:16:20,279 Enough! Your immoral Western sexuality will not work on us. 978 01:16:20,344 --> 01:16:24,500 Mr. President, the time has come to give in to our demands. 979 01:16:24,567 --> 01:16:29,488 If we do not hear from you in 10 seconds, we will kill everyone in this studio. 980 01:16:30,519 --> 01:16:31,981 We might be fucked, sir. 981 01:16:32,056 --> 01:16:35,830 Ten, nine, eight... 982 01:16:35,896 --> 01:16:37,870 seven, six... 983 01:16:37,943 --> 01:16:43,344 five, four, three, two, one! 984 01:16:48,055 --> 01:16:50,510 - Not so r�pido. - Peruvians. 985 01:16:50,583 --> 01:16:54,325 - Daddy, what's a Peruvian? - It's kind of like a Mexican. 986 01:16:54,392 --> 01:16:57,872 - �Viva Per�! - Qu� viva. 987 01:17:18,839 --> 01:17:23,793 Cockpuncher, amigo- 988 01:17:45,143 --> 01:17:50,031 You know, Ahman, violence is almost never necessary. 989 01:17:50,103 --> 01:17:53,267 I admit, I've punched thousands upon thousands of cocks in my life... 990 01:17:53,335 --> 01:17:55,342 but I've never killed anyone. 991 01:17:55,415 --> 01:17:57,903 Because no matter what your religion might be... 992 01:17:57,975 --> 01:18:00,211 no matter what your politics might be... 993 01:18:00,280 --> 01:18:02,003 no matter how much money's involved... 994 01:18:02,071 --> 01:18:05,235 there's never any reason to take human life. 995 01:18:05,303 --> 01:18:07,572 Human life is the most precious thing there is. 996 01:18:07,639 --> 01:18:10,323 Fuckin'-A, man. That's some cool shit, man... 997 01:18:11,704 --> 01:18:13,678 You know what? 998 01:18:16,983 --> 01:18:19,601 You are absolutely right, Cockpuncher. 999 01:18:19,671 --> 01:18:23,020 Violence is not the answer. 1000 01:18:23,095 --> 01:18:27,765 Terrorism never solved anything. To hell with terrorism. 1001 01:18:27,831 --> 01:18:29,522 Yeah! Yeah. 1002 01:18:29,592 --> 01:18:33,366 I'm sick and tired of living in a fucking cave. 1003 01:18:34,679 --> 01:18:37,647 I'm sick of doing nothing but cursing the West all day. 1004 01:18:37,719 --> 01:18:42,160 Jesus H. Allah! I like the West! 1005 01:18:42,231 --> 01:18:44,271 God bless America. 1006 01:18:44,344 --> 01:18:47,605 I like TV! And I like bacon double cheeseburgers! 1007 01:18:47,671 --> 01:18:49,973 - Whoo! - And I like the rapping music! 1008 01:18:51,799 --> 01:18:53,654 But most of all... 1009 01:18:53,719 --> 01:18:58,989 I like this big-budget blockbuster action hero. 1010 01:18:59,063 --> 01:19:02,707 Long live the mighty puncher of cocks! 1011 01:19:02,775 --> 01:19:04,630 �Qu� viva! 1012 01:19:07,959 --> 01:19:10,642 Yeah! Whoo! 1013 01:19:19,211 --> 01:19:23,073 Hey, Norm. Some crazy shit, huh? 1014 01:19:25,003 --> 01:19:28,549 Look, with all due respect, we just wanted to ask, um... 1015 01:19:28,620 --> 01:19:30,562 what were you gonna say during your speech? 1016 01:19:30,636 --> 01:19:34,629 Yeah, we were wondering what the conclusion that you came to was. 1017 01:19:34,699 --> 01:19:38,015 Well, I was going to say, " I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore." 1018 01:19:38,091 --> 01:19:39,946 - But after what just happened... - Shh. 1019 01:19:40,011 --> 01:19:42,150 I think I've learned a little lesson I won't soon forget. 1020 01:19:42,219 --> 01:19:47,751 As a matter of fact, I think we've all learned a few things in the past 90 minutes. 1021 01:19:49,291 --> 01:19:52,160 We've learned that Irishmen have huge nipples. 1022 01:19:52,235 --> 01:19:56,294 We've learned that film-critic intellectuals are a bunch of gaywads. 1023 01:19:56,364 --> 01:19:59,014 And, most of all, we've learned... 1024 01:19:59,084 --> 01:20:03,306 that creeping corporate influence over the news... 1025 01:20:03,371 --> 01:20:05,444 protects us from terrorism. 1026 01:20:09,644 --> 01:20:14,084 Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid! 1027 01:20:41,339 --> 01:20:43,194 Um, I can't help but think... 1028 01:20:43,259 --> 01:20:47,667 it must have taken a lot of courage to make such a provocative film. 1029 01:20:47,740 --> 01:20:51,252 And joining us to discuss just that... 1030 01:20:51,323 --> 01:20:54,422 is the man who green-lit the film. 1031 01:20:54,491 --> 01:20:56,498 Thanks, Kenneth. Pleasure to be here. 1032 01:20:56,571 --> 01:21:02,201 So, uh, now, while you gave the makers of this film tremendous leeway, obviously... 1033 01:21:02,267 --> 01:21:04,885 still, there was some material that you simply refused to allow? 1034 01:21:04,955 --> 01:21:06,810 That's true. 1035 01:21:06,875 --> 01:21:10,192 Basically, as committed as I was to letting these guys be free to do their thing... 1036 01:21:10,267 --> 01:21:13,977 there were simply some images that I just didn't feel comfortable with. 1037 01:21:14,043 --> 01:21:16,531 Mm-hmm. But I understand you did bring some clips. 1038 01:21:16,603 --> 01:21:20,018 That's right. Uh, I would like to show some special bonus material. 1039 01:21:20,091 --> 01:21:22,644 These are scenes that didn't make it into the movie. 1040 01:21:22,715 --> 01:21:25,530 Great. Let's take a look. 1041 01:21:39,419 --> 01:21:42,354 So what we do is we get the kitty... 1042 01:21:42,427 --> 01:21:44,761 and we put it in a simple egg batter. 1043 01:21:44,827 --> 01:21:47,675 Careful. Okay. Shh. That's fine. 1044 01:21:47,739 --> 01:21:49,594 And then we just simply roll it around... 1045 01:21:49,659 --> 01:21:51,514 making sure we cover the whole thing. 1046 01:21:51,579 --> 01:21:53,684 It's all right, baby. It's okay. 1047 01:21:53,755 --> 01:21:56,919 Get him completely covered in an her bed bread-crumb batter here. 1048 01:21:56,987 --> 01:21:58,842 I see. Okay. Oh! 1049 01:21:58,907 --> 01:22:01,624 Thank you. And into- Oh- into the canola oil. 1050 01:22:03,291 --> 01:22:06,804 You know, I think you have to draw a line somewhere. 1051 01:22:14,183 --> 01:22:17,566 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 1052 01:22:17,639 --> 01:22:21,949 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 1053 01:22:22,023 --> 01:22:26,049 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 1054 01:22:26,119 --> 01:22:29,981 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 1055 01:22:30,055 --> 01:22:31,997 #Oh, yeah # 1056 01:22:32,071 --> 01:22:34,013 #Oh, yeah # 1057 01:22:34,087 --> 01:22:36,542 #Oh, yeah # 1058 01:22:36,615 --> 01:22:38,590 # Oh, oh # 1059 01:22:38,663 --> 01:22:40,518 # Oh, when you love me right up front # 1060 01:22:40,583 --> 01:22:42,787 # You know that I don't mind No, no # 1061 01:22:42,855 --> 01:22:46,749 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 1062 01:22:46,823 --> 01:22:50,849 # Oh, when you love me right up front You know that I don't mind # 1063 01:22:50,919 --> 01:22:55,011 # But what I really want is for you to take me from behind # 1064 01:22:55,079 --> 01:22:59,389 # I don't mind, no I don't mind # 1065 01:22:59,463 --> 01:23:03,555 # Take me from behind, yeah # 1066 01:23:04,679 --> 01:23:07,842 # I don't mind, don't mind Yeah ## 1067 01:23:07,911 --> 01:23:10,910 Are you ready? 1068 01:23:11,943 --> 01:23:15,773 Down on my knees. 1069 01:23:18,279 --> 01:23:22,981 # Baby, when we kiss my heart just skips a beat # 1070 01:23:23,047 --> 01:23:27,106 # And when you hold my hand oh, I can hardly speak # 1071 01:23:27,175 --> 01:23:31,266 # But there's one kind of lovin' that we can't do face to face # 1072 01:23:31,335 --> 01:23:34,881 # Oh, no So let me give you some affection # 1073 01:23:34,951 --> 01:23:37,056 # Just below your waist # 1074 01:23:37,127 --> 01:23:40,356 # Oh, yeah I'm down on my knees for you # 1075 01:23:40,423 --> 01:23:42,943 # I'm beggin' please, please for you # 1076 01:23:43,015 --> 01:23:48,514 # Got so much love I need to show it # 1077 01:23:48,583 --> 01:23:52,293 # It's a big job Don't wanna blow it # 1078 01:23:52,359 --> 01:23:55,621 # Oh, yeah Oh, yeah # 1079 01:23:55,687 --> 01:23:57,542 # Oh # 1080 01:23:58,855 --> 01:24:02,433 # Baby I'm down on my knees # 1081 01:24:02,503 --> 01:24:03,997 # Beggin'. please, please ## 1082 01:24:04,071 --> 01:24:05,631 # Oh # 1083 01:24:07,239 --> 01:24:09,792 Shoot your love, baby. 1084 01:24:13,255 --> 01:24:17,477 # Tell me, why must you hide # 1085 01:24:19,079 --> 01:24:24,513 # That love That love you got inside Inside # 1086 01:24:24,583 --> 01:24:27,038 # Ooh, ooh # 1087 01:24:27,111 --> 01:24:31,039 # It's been building up so long # 1088 01:24:31,111 --> 01:24:34,013 # Yeah # 1089 01:24:34,087 --> 01:24:38,211 # And that feeling's oh, so strong # 1090 01:24:38,279 --> 01:24:40,668 # Oh, so baby # 1091 01:24:40,743 --> 01:24:45,980 # Shoot your love all over me Oh # 1092 01:24:46,055 --> 01:24:50,692 # Drown me in a milky sea Love all over me # 1093 01:24:51,719 --> 01:24:53,661 # Hey, baby # 1094 01:24:53,735 --> 01:24:56,190 # It's you and I You and I # 1095 01:24:56,263 --> 01:24:59,678 # For eternity For eternity # 1096 01:24:59,751 --> 01:25:05,468 # That's why you got to shoot your love over me # 1097 01:25:05,543 --> 01:25:07,397 # Oh, yeah # 1098 01:25:07,463 --> 01:25:10,146 # When I look at you, baby # 1099 01:25:10,215 --> 01:25:13,990 # I see a man full of spunk # 1100 01:25:14,055 --> 01:25:17,186 # But what good is it to me # 1101 01:25:17,255 --> 01:25:20,419 # Locked away in that trunk # 1102 01:25:21,767 --> 01:25:24,417 # I don't need more roses # 1103 01:25:24,486 --> 01:25:27,748 # No, that would be just reckless # 1104 01:25:27,815 --> 01:25:30,947 # The gift I want from you From you # 1105 01:25:31,015 --> 01:25:35,749 # Is my very own pearl necklace Oh # 1106 01:25:35,815 --> 01:25:40,070 # Shoot your love all over me # 1107 01:25:40,135 --> 01:25:43,747 # Hey Drown me in a milky sea # 1108 01:25:43,815 --> 01:25:46,815 # Love all over me # 1109 01:25:46,887 --> 01:25:48,774 # Ooh, baby # 1110 01:25:48,838 --> 01:25:51,522 # It's you and I You and I # 1111 01:25:51,591 --> 01:25:54,591 # For eternity For eternity # 1112 01:25:54,663 --> 01:25:57,761 # That's why you got to shoot your love-# 1113 01:25:57,830 --> 01:26:01,605 For the Onion News, this is Norm Archer. 1114 01:26:01,670 --> 01:26:03,266 Fuck you and good night. 94121