Original subtitles

I don't believe this.

Why did you pull over? We could've lost him.

Dad, keep quiet and let me handle this, okay?

Hello, ma'am. You know what you did back there?

Look, I know you have to do your little dance, but here.

Let's just get this over with?

You know, we all have to share the road.

- When you drive like that you're- - Yeah, yeah.

Not just a risk to myself, I'm a risk to others.

Listen, I work in a law firm, I know my rights.

Just give me the ticket.

- Okay. - Thanks.

Excuse me, officer?

You ever kill a man?

Dad.

You know, some lowlife you got cornered in an alley.

He's thrown down his gun, he's begging for mercy,

but you empty your clip right into his chest anyway.

You figure, "Who's gonna know, right?"

Oh, you make me sick!

- Sir, I don't- - You know what?

The faster you write, the faster he stops talking.

Guess who bought a token from yours truly today?

- Who? - Guess.

- I don't wanna guess. - Guess.

- I don't wanna play this game. - Just guess.

- Lou Ferrigno. - No.

Sally Struthers.

Ann Landers. Nice lady. Took the L train.

That's a great story. Thanks.

Hey, come on, the game starts in two minutes, let's go.

Why are you in your uniform? I thought you had off today.

I did, but I just came from P.S. 679.

I was talking to some kids about fire safety.

Until 6:30?

Yeah, well, the teacher kept me after school,

if you get my drift.

She has no control over you.

You're not a student.

You are like a boy in a man's body.

- Hey. - Hey.

Dougie, your wife and I had a little run-in with the law.

I'm still all hopped up.

I'm gonna go do some Tae Bo.

What happened?

I got a ticket.

Another one?

Doug, I'm really not in the mood for a lecture right now.

- You got another ticket? - That's what I said.

- Well, how much? - Three hundred and fifty dollars.

- Let me see the ticket. - Here. Enjoy.

"Wanton disregard for public safety"?

Honey, I warned you not to be wanton. What happened?

Nothing.

I cut off a school bus to make a U-turn.

You cut off a school bus?

They were fifth-graders, it's not like they were in kindergarten.

They know how the world works.

That's your fourth ticket this year.

Doug, this one was not my fault.

Oh, not your fault? Then whose fault was it?

Okay, well, for your information,

the bus had all these stupid keep-kids-off-drugs stickers

on the back window, it was very distracting.

Right, like last time, when you were blinded by that guy's brake lights.

Oh, like you're the perfect driver.

Yeah, yeah. I have a perfect driving record!

That doesn't mean anything!

Oh, here's some delightful news.

I just got off the phone with our insurance agent,

and if that ticket goes through, our rates are gonna double.

Double.

Times two.

Well, did you tell them about the stickers on the bus?

Are you listening to me?

Forty-five hundred dollars a year for car insurance.

That's-We should be buying a boat for that kind of money.

I should be setting sail every weekend.

If I buy you a boat, will you shut up?

Do you know what you are?

It's right here in our insurance pamphlet.

You are a "persistent violator."

That means you violate persistently.

Honey, are these yours or my dad's?

No, they're your dad's.

And I told you, don't let his underwear touch my underwear.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Carrie.

Hi.

Oh, you know what? I'm really busy.

I don't think I can.

No, I can't.

Okay then.

- Bye-bye. - Who was that?

That was the cop who pulled me over today.

Claims he's thinking about applying to law school,

and since he knows I work in a law firm,

he wanted to take me to dinner to pick my brain.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, it was so obvious he was calling for a date.

Could you believe that?

- He didn't see your wedding ring? - No, I was wearing gloves.

Hey, I got asked out on a date.

Right, right.

What's the matter?

- No, I was just thinking. - What?

Don't kill me now.

Maybe you should have dinner with this guy.

You want me to go on a date?

No, not a date, as far as you're concerned,

it's just a dinner to discuss law stuff.

But then, while you're eating, you guys talk, you smile, you laugh.

I mean, the night is just magic.

Then, next week, when you go to court to contest the ticket,

he doesn't show up to testify because he's sweet on you.

And, bye-bye ticket.

It's a perfect plan.

- Is this guy good-looking? - Not really.

It's a perfect plan.

So that's what I'm worth?

You're willing to pimp me out to save $4,500?

No, $4,500 a year.

It takes five years to get a ticket off our record,

and that's if you never get another one, and let's face it, honey, you will.

So actually, I'm pimping you out for a minimum of $20,000.

That's minimum.

I don't know. This is crazy.

I mean, what if he calls after the date, and wants to go out again?

You just put him off until after court.

You let him down easy.

You tell him you met somebody. A big fat guy.

Can we really do this?

Of course we can. Hey, you're an attractive woman.

We knew we'd have to use that sometime.

All right.

But he's not getting up my shirt.

Hey, hey, hey. Play it by ear.

So anyway, me and the teacher are back in the classroom,

getting into it, right on the desk.

I look up over the blackboard and I see the alphabet.

You know, A is for "apple", B is for "balloon"...

You get what I'm saying, right?

Yes, I'm familiar with the alphabet.

Right, so everything's going fine until I get to M, which is for "mommy."

Oh, that was that, huh?

I pushed through to walrus.

Okay. See you guys later.

Don't wanna be late for my date.

Whoa, whoa, honey, that's what you're wearing?

Yes. Why?

You couldn't wear something that at least shows a little wrist?

What do you suggest?

Okay, we want something that says, "I'm attractive",

but doesn't look like she's trying too hard.

What about overalls and a tank top?

It's too casual. Let's keep in mind, this is a dinner.

I like this.

That is my nightgown.

Well, how about like a skirt and a top?

Okay, what do you see? What do you like?

Oh, Moose, high-heeled boots.

- We gotta get her into these. - All right, good, good.

This sweater is nice, but how do you feel about navy?

I'm not loving it.

You got a Catholic school uniform-?

Okay, that's it. Out! Get out! Get out!

I will do it myself! Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Thank you. Thank you.

Make sure your bra and panties match.

Get out!

Where you going, honey?

That cop who gave me a ticket asked me to have dinner with him.

Really?

Yeah. Good night, Daddy.

Oh, my God.

All right, now we're talking.

Much better, huh?

Very nice.

I would do her.

Huh, Richie would do you?

Later on, remind me to head-butt you.

- Can I go now? - Yeah, yeah, you don't wanna be late.

Just remember, be yourself, and also a little charming.

That didn't come out right.

Goodbye.

Oh, wait! Oh, wait!

Your wedding ring.

Right. Well, I'm not taking it off.

You can't go on a date wearing your wedding ring.

It's kind of a turnoff.

Well, then, fine, I'm not going.

What?

Doug, look, I got a ticket, I endangered lives:

So I've been trying to be a good sport about this.

But this ring is the most precious thing in the world to me,

and I'm not gonna take it off to get out of some stupid traffic ticket.

And I'll tell you something else, little Dougie,

I'm a little aggravated that you would even want me to.

All right, you're right. I'm sorry. I love you.

So how'd you break your finger?

Playing some hoop. Just throwing down.

- That's gotta hurt. Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

Listen, Carrie, thanks a lot for coming out tonight.

Happy to talk about law firms. Anytime, anywhere.

I have a confession to make. That wasn't the only reason I called.

I...

I sort of wanted to see you again.

Oh, that's nice.

Do you think they have blintzes here?

I've never actually asked out a woman I've pulled over before.

I was really nervous when I called you.

You didn't just say yes to get out of the ticket, did you?

No, I didn't just say yes to get out of the ticket.

But, hey, my insurance rates are gonna double,

so if you're offering, buddy...

So are you involved with anyone?

You have a boyfriend?

I'm sorry, what?

Do you have a boyfriend?

No.

No boyfriend.

Great.

Hey, Arthur.

Oh, my...

Don't give her up without a fight, son.

Get out!

No, seriously, I didn't even read the guy's Miranda rights.

Luckily, he didn't even know what they were.

Oh, my God.

Well, this is me.

Don't forget your ravioli.

Thanks.

Carrie, you know this was great.

You know what I'll do?

Why don't I call you tomorrow? Maybe we could do this again.

Yeah-no-okay.

So...

So...

Hey, good date, good date.

Good night. I had a great time.

Thank you, Jeffrey.

Good night.

Hey, drive carefully.

I'm back.

So? So tell me everything.

What did he say? What did you say back?

We had a good time.

Yes!

And here, leftovers.

Yes!

So, what about the ticket? Did he mention it at all?

Yeah.

I was trying to feel him out, but he just laughed.

He laughed? Was it like a I'm-not-gonna-show-up-in-court laugh,

or more of a nice-try- but-you're-not-getting-off laugh?

I don't know, I was too busy with my:

Gee-I-hope-this-guy- doesn't-try-to-sleep-with-me chuckle.

I'm just trying to get a gauge of where he's at, that's all.

So, what did he think of your outfit?

I don't know.

Come on, it's important.

- He said I looked beautiful, okay? - Yeah, up top!

Need to be careful with my broken finger.

Got to admit, that was a great idea I had, huh?

It was Richie's idea.

No, Richie suggested we break your finger.

That was my jumping-off point.

So sounds like things are going pretty good, huh?

Yeah, really good, Doug.

I tricked a sweet, unsuspecting guy into liking me.

When he calls tomorrow, I'm just gonna tell him the truth.

What? No.

Doug, he's a really nice guy.

He's not a nice guy. He's a copper. The fuzz.

He'd throw you in jail as soon as look at you.

Stop it.

Carrie, come on, please, you're killing me here.

We're so close.

The court date is next week. Just avoid his calls until then.

- I don't know. - Forty-five hundred dollars a year.

And it wasn't even your fault.

That school bus with all the distracting stickers.

I mean, I'm against drugs, but at what cost, really?

- All right, I'll string him along. - Attagirl.

I just hate playing with this guy's feelings like this.

I hear you. God.

Here I am eating ravioli he paid for. You think that's easy for me?

Hey, Dad.

Hi, sweetheart.

You have no new messages.

Anybody call?

Nope.

Why? You expecting a call from someone in particular?

Oh, yeah. The cop said he'd call me.

Carrie, sit down. We need to talk.

Okay.

What's up?

Honey, I know Doug has his shortcomings.

I've assumed for a while

that he wasn't satisfying all your needs.

What?

Look, I never talked to you very much about sex, and that's my fault.

That's gonna change, I promise.

But Doug is a good man. He is!

Oh, you think the cop and I are...?

No, Dad, that's not for real.

I just went to dinner with him to get out of that ticket.

You don't have to shield me from this. I'm a big boy.

I'm telling you the truth.

You're shutting me out!

For God's sakes, take a look at yourself!

You're pale, you're gaunt, you sleep the whole day!

You're killing yourself!

Oh, wait, that's my drug speech.

Give me ten minutes.

Hello?

No, there's no Brenda here.

Yeah, that's okay. Bye.

Hey, hon.

- Hey, Carrie. - Hi.

She okay?

No, Richie, I am not okay, because all men are pigs.

You mind if I make a sandwich?

Fine.

So he still hasn't called?

No, and it's been three days.

Yikes. I hope he's just been busy.

You know, why'd he say he's gonna call if he's not gonna call?

What is it with you guys?

You didn't have a good time, fine, just don't say you're gonna call.

Hate that.

I should've let him order the wine.

What do you care? It was a fake date.

He didn't know that.

I just keep going over it again and again in my head.

I mean, we had a really good time.

I was funny. I was on, you know?

I even told him my Uncle Frank story.

You told him the Uncle Frank story?

No wonder he's not calling.

What? It's a funny story.

He burns his lips on the pizza tray. That's not funny?

Yeah, an old man with burnt lips. Very funny.

Well, you laughed when I told it to you.

Yeah, it was our fifth date. I was trying to, you know, get a go at you.

So why isn't he?

You should've worn the nightgown.

Oh, shut up.

I guess I'm just boring and ugly and destined to end up alone.

You know, with you.

All right, where does that leave us?

He dropped 50 bucks and he had to suffer through your stories,

so he's gonna show up in court tomorrow

and probably not in a good mood.

- Doug. - What?

I'm feeling rejected and insecure and you don't even care.

No, I do, I do, I do. Come here.

You're great and it's his loss.

Moose, I don't know what you're worried about.

If this cop ain't into her,

there ain't no way that he's gonna show up for court.

What do you mean?

I mean, that if you go out on a date with a girl

and you blow her off after one date, you definitely don't wanna run into her.

It's awkward.

You're right. He's right. You're right.

He's never gonna show up in court. He doesn't like you.

He's blowing you off! Yeah, up high!

Can we just go? We're gonna be late.

Let's just review one more time.

I was behind the school bus driving ten to 12 miles an hour,

reading, and agreeing with,

an anti-drug message on the back windows,

when suddenly, the sunlight reflected off the stickers

and momentarily blinded me.

Fearing the bus may stop suddenly, I thought it best to swerve--

No, no, not swerve. Navigate.

To navigate around it so as to not cause injury

to the precious cargo on board, the children.

Yeah, just don't forget to take that pause

before you say "the children."

Let's go.

Hello?

Who's calling?

It's him.

Who is this?

This is Carrie's brother, Doug.

Hey, Doug, is she there?

Sure she is, just a second.

Car?

Tell him I'll call him back when I get a chance.

Come on, Carrie, there's a lot of money involved here.

Try to get a feel whether he's coming to court or not.

Still trying to find her.

Hey, Doug, just tell her, please, that I'm sorry that I haven't called.

I had to go undercover on a drug stakeout.

Oh, okay.

He hasn't called because he's been on a stakeout.

And I suppose there are no phones on this stakeout?

No, they're not. They're not allowed to make personal calls.

I saw it on a show.

Come on, take it.

Hello?

Hey, you.

I was just telling your brother there that the reason I hadn't called

is because I was on a stakeout.

A stakeout, huh?

How's that?

Not so good, actually. I almost got shot.

Give him something. Come on.

I'm glad you didn't get shot.

Thanks. I was...

Carrie, I was wondering if maybe you'd wanna go out again sometime.

He wants to go out again.

Set a date for this weekend, then after court, you'll cancel.

I think I could do something on...

Hello?

Hello?

Dad? Dad, what are you doing?

I hit the auto-dial button, I can't stop it.

Okay, hang up, I'm on an important call.

Is it that guy?

That home wrecker?

Leave her alone, bub!

She's married!

You're married?

Yeah.

But no boyfriend.

Wow, he really made a point of showing up, didn't he?

I think he got his uniform pressed.

And that speech he gave on the witness stand.

It was so passionate.

I mean, I was against you by the end of it.

But you know what? I mean, it's just money.

The important thing is that we get to sleep

in each other's arms every night.

And in a certain way, that makes us the richest people on earth.

You suck at driving.

Go. Go.

Love each other.