All language subtitles for S01_E03_Dicks First_Birthday

As many intelligent people know,
aliens are all around us.

This is the story of a band
of four such explorers.

In order to blend in they
have assumed human form.

This is the high commander.

He has assembled an elite team of experts.

A decorated military officer.

A seasoned intelligent specialist.

And...well, they had an extra seat.

The Earth revolves around
the sun

But ask more humans,
and they'll say..

..it revolves around them.

It's such
a beautiful night.

Harry, why don't you come out
and look at the stars with us?

Oh, no, you're
not putting me out

for the night again.

Fool me once,
shame on you,

Fool me six times,
shame on me.

What are you
babbling about now?

Oh it's just something I learned
from this self-help tape

I bought at the yard sale
down the block.

Dr. Martin Blaine's path to
personal transformation: say yes to you.

This is going to help me
solve my confidence problem.

Why do you have a confidence
problem? What, are you stupid?

Tommy, why aren't you
looking at the stars?

I have too much
studying to do, Dick.

Your homework is taking up
way too much of your time.

Tell me about it. They've
changed phys ed to health class,

and I have to memorize
287 different body parts.

You have
an owner's manual?

Well, here's a picture of all the
different organs in our abdominal cavity.

Oh, my god!

You know,
I read someplace

that you can stretch
a man's nerve endings

from new York
to San Francisco,

but he would die.

Hey look, here's
a section

on virginity
and abstinence.

I haven't experienced
sex yet, so...

I guess that makes me a virgin.
- Congratulations.

Thanks. It feels
kind of weird, you know.

I mean, I'm proud of it, but
I'm also a little embarrassed.

Is there anything
that men have

that they're both proud and
ashamed of at the same time?

No.
- Drawing a blank.

Ezekiel Begat Jedidiah.
Jedidiah Begat Ephraim.

Ephraim Begat Lemuel.

Man, these people
Begat their brains out.

Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
- Yeah.

When's your birthday?
- My what?

I'm updating the office
birthday list. When's your birthday?

Do I have to tell you?
- What, are you pleading the fifth?

Er..the fifth sounds fine.
This month.

Ah, that's this Monday.
How old will you be?

Why do I have to tell you a
specific number? Are you keeping score?

Well If you're going to get
sensitive, never mind.

I just don't see why
age is so important.

I've guess you've got a
milestone creeping up on you.

No. No, that's
my underwear.

Good morning.
- Hello, Dr. Albright.

Ah, Laurie, Dr. Solomon.
Laurie ivers.

Hello.
- Hello.

My, you have
a firm handshake.

Thanks..Laurie's visiting the
campus for a few days.

You are in really
excellent condition.

Thank you. I work out a lot.
- I can tell.

It's very firm.

Laurie's studying for her
doctorate in anthropology.

She's considering
coming here to Pendleton.

oh, well, you've chosen a
very mediocre institution,

and we'd love to have you.

Thanks.

Would you shake
my hand again?

Um, I suppose.

Ah, Nina, why don't
you take Laurie

to the library to show
her the Inca exhibit?

Exhibit? It's three coins and a spoon.

Don't spoil it for her,
just take her.

err, It was nice meeting you.

What a coincidence.
It was nice meeting you.

Oh, will you act your age?
- What has my age have to do with it?

Like you didn't know.
- I don't know.

Well, I do.
- What are we talking about?

All I know is that
when I was Laurie's age,

I did not appreciate having
middle-Aged men fawn over me.

You were once her age?

Yes, believe it or not.

Very well.
Not it is.

Now, you say Mrs. Dubcek
brought it to us?

Uh-huh.

What do you
think it wants?

What is it trying
to tell us?

The thing that
scares me the most

are the little oranges
in its stomach.

Hello, I'm Dr. Martin Blaine.

Come join me on a path
to personal transformation.

Say yes to you.
- Yes.

First of all, you should learn to be
comfortable talking about yourself.

When asked your name, you
should say it loud and clear.

Let's try this out.
What's your name?

That's a great name.

What is your
primary goal?

Harry Solomon.

Tommy! Sally!
Harry, come in here.

Duh !, what's that?

Don't worry.
We've killed it.

Sit down. We have to talk.
- Sally: what is it?

There's an important detail
that we forgot to attend to.

We need birthdays.
- No, thank you.

This guy I saw at a
restaurant had a birthday,

they set his food on fire
and then blew on it.

Well, nevertheless,
we have to have them

and we have to know
how old we are.

For some reason,
we're expected to act our age,

and we don't
even know what that is.

How are we supposed
to figure it out?

We're smart.
We'll guess.

How old would
you say I am?

I'm going to say 35.

What's so funny?
- It just kind of sounds ridiculous.

Okay, 39.
- Hello. Come on.

40?

41, 2, 3, 4?

Uh... 5! 5! 5! 45! Yeah.

45'S fine. Body's
broken in. It's still solid.

Not too old
to have sex.

Uh, commander,
permission to speak freely?

Permission granted.

Humans over 35 cannot have sex.
- No!

Give it up.
It's over.

Well, why? They have
the same equipment.

Cause it's gross,
that's why.

How old are you?
- 14.

Well can you have sex?
- Well, I'm not supposed to.

Why not? - Apparently, I have
my whole life ahead of me.

Dick, can I be 70?

Why?
- Well, that Paul Newman guy is 70,

and people are always saying
that he looks great.

Done. You're 70.

And?
- You look great.

Ok, Sally, how old
are you?

Well...

whatever the perfect
age is, I'm it.

I mean, maybe I got stuck with being a
woman, but at least I'm in my prime.

Check out how firm
this is, huh?

You know, if I was a guy,
I'd be all over me right now.

If I was a guy,
I would be, too.

Now that you boys are going
through the road to manhood,

I'm sure many of you have
noticed certain... feelings.

What is it, Solomon?
- What kind of feelings?

You know what kind of feelings.
- No, I don't.

You'll know 'em
when you get 'em, hmm?

Now,
they're perfectly normal.

For god's sake,
don't act on 'em.

Er, sorry, you're losing me.

You play sports,
you focus on your schoolwork,

and when you take a shower, you wash
your hair and get the hell out of there.

Oh, you're talking
about sex!

Yes.
- Great! Great.

Tell me exactly
how it's done.

Well,

you're... men,

and your male
and your female,

they have these...
certain parts,

that are, uh...
how do you call, uh...?

complementary
to each other.

These parts
come into play...

and that's how
we all were born.

I'm sorry, but
can we get somebody

who's actually had sex
to teach this class?

Thanks for showing me
around the campus today.

You know, you are really a lot of fun.
- I know.

Laurie, I was having a
discussion with a young man last night,

and he said that someone
my age was too old to..

well, just too old.

That is so typical
of our culture.

You know, in many ancient
societies, like the Incas,

age was worshiped
and revered.

That's all
I'm asking for.

Exactly when does
puberty end for a man?

Six months after death.

Guys my age are always
trying to prove something,

not like older men.

They've been there.
They've done it. It shows.

Oh like you. You've really
got your head together.

Actually,
it came that way.

Well, I'd better
get moving.

You are moving. Everything
on this planet is moving.

You are so clever.
- Oh, no.

Well, bye, Dr. Albright.
- Bye.

So, see ya.
- Because you're still looking.

You can breathe now.

Hey, if you could change
one thing about me,

what would it be?

Nothing.
- Bingo.

Doesn't get any better
than this, huh?

Check this out. See how this
curves in right here, right?

Watch this.
Upsy-Daisy.

Springs back
just like a cat.

Laurie says
that men my age

should be worshiped
and revered, like the Incas.

Don't you think that's right?
- Oh Yes.

The Incas would take
a prominent man,

like you,

and they would anoint him
with oils, adorn him with robes,

and then the high priest
would cut him up

and then ram a stick
in his head

and parade the head
through the village,

and the young virgins
would throw flowers at him.

What kind of flowers?

Well, it says here that
this is guaranteed

to restore
your natural luster.

Oh, Dick, you're getting
your luster back.

That's wonderful.
How much longer?

Oh, er..two minutes.

Welcome back to
The Miss Universe Pageant.

And now we continue
with our Parade of Nations.

Miss Finland.

Well, they only have
contestants from earth.

I think this pageant
is fixed.

These women
should be enormous.

Miss universe should have
her own gravitational pull.

I think I'm feeling it.

My primary goal is
to meet miss Finland.

I will meet
miss Finland.

I deserve to meet
miss Finland.

Ooh! Check out the yabos
on miss Tunisia.

I deserve those yabos.

These women,
they're all vibrant,

healthy, strong, young.
They're just like Sally.

Thank you. I've been
thinking about this.

Every time I turn on the Tv
or open a magazine,

I see people like me.

All the ads are aimed
at me. I am what counts.

I think you're full
of something, lieutenant.

No, no, no, no. If I don't
watch a Tv show, it's canceled.

I don't like
a soft drink, history.

If I don't like a certain
feminine product with wings,

they'll make one
with a propeller.

I am the target
demographic.

Face it, Dick.
I'm young,

hot and all-powerful.

You just said
yes to you.

I'm done.

How do I look?

Um... Dick,

um... okay,
if somebody

were helping you
with an experiment,

and things went awry,

and you became
horribly disfigured,

you wouldn't hold it against them,
now would you? Why? What happened?

Nothing. Destroy
all the mirrors now!

No, no!
I've got to see!

Oh, my god!

I'm gorgeous!

Good morning, Nina.

Well!
Good morning.

I was going to ask
what you did this weekend,

but I think
it's painfully clear.

By the way,
happy birthday.

hmm...

brace yourself.

Hello..
oh, my god!

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Laurie called me last night.
- Really?

What did she say?

What was that?
- What?

That squeaking.

Why I have no idea.

What did Laurie say
when you talked to her?

She's decided to come
here next year.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Yes.

Um...

could you walk over there
and get me that pencil?

But you have one
right on your desk.

I know, but...

I need that one.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, I got you
a birthday card.

Hmm. "Happy birthday.

You look like
a million dollars.

Oh!

Old and wrinkled.

What kind of a cruel
hoax is this?

It's a hallmark card.

A hallmark
of degradation!

The first line lulled me
into a false sense of security,

and the second line
ripped out my heart,

and slapped me
across the face with it,

awakening me to harsh reality.
- It's an old joke!

For an old fool!

Well, I want
no part of it.

I'm leaving, while I
still have my dignity.

Congratulations, you have completed

your path to personal
transformation.

Say yes to you.
- Yes.

And never forget, when
the world gets you down,

stay positive.

I'm almost completely
sure that I will.

Damn! A wrinkle!

I've peaked!

The truth is,
time measured in years,

would have
no significance at all.

If a second-rate sun
hadn't pulled this planet,

into the little suck party
we call gravity,

causing everything on it
to wither... and die.

Thoughts on that? Bug?

It doesn't look
dyed to me.

Let me simplify.

If a year is not a year
anywhere but earth,

what does that make time
in the universe?

Leon, time is what?

Don't think, Leon.
Just answer. Time is what?

Take a shot. Go!
- Time is relative?

My god, Leon,
you're right!

My head hurts.

Leon, I have
a follow-up question.

Sorry, time is up.
Oh, and by the way,

you're all
55 minutes older.

Dr. Solomon.
- Laurie.

I couldn't leave
without saying good-bye.

And I couldn't say good-bye
without your leaving.

Oh, you changed your hair.

Finally,
someone noticed.

Laurie, car's outside.

Oh, I'll be right there.
- Who's that?

Oh that's Doug.
He's my boyfriend.

But I thought you
only liked older men.

I do. He's 29.

Bye.

Dr. Solomon,
there you are.

Remember we were
supposed to meet in your office?

Oh forgive me,
My tired brain forgot,

while your youthful synapses
stored the information,

and retrieved them,
ssst, like a flash.

Okay, I'll come back.

Leon, let me ask
you something.

Let's say that two people
of different ages met

at a university.

One is older but dashing, the
other, youthful and stimulating.

They obviously enjoy
each other's company,

but the age difference
keeps asserting itself.

Do you think that that should
make a relationship impossible?

Dr. Solomon, are you
coming on to me?

Oh! Never mind!

Oh, Dick.

Your posture tells me
you've got the blues.

Let my positive energies,

spark you out of your
doldrums and into a happier..

oh, go away.
- I will. And thanks for listening.

Hello.

How're you feeling?
- Like a million dollars.

I thought I'd try this
again. Oh, here.

Happy birthday...

from Dr. Albright.

You wrote this yourself.

Yes.

Thank you.
It's just lovely.

You're welcome.

Dr. Albright,

have I been
a perfect ass?

Nobody's perfect.

Why do I have
to be this age?

You're focusing too much
on the container.

This body is not you.

I know that.
- No, you don't.

Trust me, I do.
- No, I don't think you do.

If you think,
No..shut up.

You're only on this earth
a short amount of time.

Well, that was the plan.

Listen, if we're
over the hill,

we might as well
enjoy the ride down.

Thank you
for saying "we".

It just slipped out.

You know, the light of
the moon is so magical.

It shows me what you
must have looked like,

so many years ago.

That was...
almost beautiful.

So, this is
your favorite spot.

It's so...

cheap.

I think gray hair makes
you look distinguished.

Thank you. I think you would
look distinguished with gray hair.

No, I don't think so.

Men look distinguished
with gray hair.

Women just look old.

When women get breasts,
they look sexy.

When men get breasts,
they look old.

Good point.

How old are you?

How old are you?
- You first.

No, you first.
- You.

42.
- Me, too!