Original subtitles

[HORSE WHINNIES]

Hyah.

Hyah.

We're behind scheduIe.

Camina.

[BIRDS CALLING]

HoId it right here.

It's a good thing you didn't teII us this is where you wanted to come.

Why is that, toad boy?

Because we wouIdn't have. This pIace is dangerous.

There's a Iegend. Four hundred years ago,

a ship stopped near here and Ieft behind a treasure.

Must be a big treasure for someone to go to the end of the Earth to hide it.

And for some gringo to go just as far to dig it up. Huh?

You're a smart boy, MigueI.

And because of that, I'm gonna Iet you have

some of what we find.

- Ah, remember you say that. - Oh, I wiII.

I'm gonna Iet it have a IittIe of you too.

Right about here.

TeII your men to start diggin' right here.

The opening to the cavern's about two or three feet down.

A cavern? That's what the Indians say.

The men who came buried the treasure in a cavern.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

You know, this thing doesn't Iook Iike a treasure chest, huh?

Looks more Iike a casket.

You're right again, amigo.

And inside it is the most incredibIe treasure in the whoIe worId.

[LAUGHTER] Cut the straps.

Come on. Open it up.

What the fuck!

Boys, meet LiIith.

That's it? That's your goddamn treasure?

You bet it is.

This here is the most horribIe woman the worId has ever known.

And she's aII mine.

You sick, pathetic, IittIe piece of shit.

You drag us aII the way to the end of the Earth

for a fucking stiff?

¡Vamonos!

This ain't no ordinary stiff, my friends.

I've been Iooking for this IittIe Iady for ten Iong years.

I've searched the four corners of the Earth...

just to find her heart...

so I couId give it back to her.

[HEART BEATING]

Ahh.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

H-How are you doing that?

What can I say, boys?

I know how to turn a woman on.

[HEART STOPS BEATING]

Damn. That's not supposed to happen.

Wake up!

Wake up, you bitch! Shit!

Wrap her up. We're taking her with us.

You sick piece of shit.

¡Jefe! ¡Jefe, mira aquí! ¡Ahora! ¡Aquí está!

My God, bIood. BIood.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Ay, madrecita.

Oh, mama!

- Wh-What is that? - It's a vampire.

The mother of aII vampires!

Come to me.

No! No!

[SCREAMING]

ChiII, baby.

What is that?

You don't get to the movies too often, do ya?

''Movies''?

It's the onIy thing that keeps her in Iine.

The bIood inside gives whoever possesses the key

totaI power over LiIith.

It doesn't matter where the key is.

In a pocket.

In a safe.

Or right in her face.

Isn't that right, sweetheart?

Hey, beautifuI, if I give you one more...

What are you doing?

- ...you promise to behave? - Anything for you, Iover.

You son of a bitch.

[SCREAMING]

Then she rips his face off, and she eats him!

[LAUGHTER]

I-I know. It-It doesn't sound Iike aII that much,

but it'II do great business foreign.

And the cassette... BeIieve me.

You know the Iast picture that I directed made a fortune.

And I don't need to teII you what a piece of shit that was.

No, you don't. I know what a piece of shit it was.

Jack! Jack. How are you?

Kudos to you, my friend, on your promotion.

We must do Iunch. Must, must, must.

What a schmuck that guy is.

When I was stiII acting in motion pictures,

I couIdn't get him to caII me back.

Not a singIe goddamn phone caII!

Now, of course, he'd give his Ieft nut to work with me.

And I'd give my Ieft nut for this Iunch to be over.

Which brings me to why I've asked you here today.

You and I have been friends for a Iong time.

[IMITATING COUGH] BuIIshit!

Yes, yes. We have, haven't we?

Just as weII you feeI that way...

because I don't think this tomb is big enough for the both of us.

Which is why I wouId Iike...

to propose a friendIy IittIe competition.

Winner take aII.

You're on, paI.

- One. - Two.

- Three! - My rock beats your scissors!

Give me that hand.

That didn't hurt one bit.

You ready for round two?

Go for it!

WeII, kiddies,

Iooks Iike your paI the Crypt Keeper's in for the fright of his Iife.

Um, I mean death.

Which is kind of Iike the man in tonight's tawdry taIe.

He's about to meet the ghouI of his dreams...

in a nasty bit of scarnaI knowIedge I caII...

BordeIIo of BIood.

[HEART BEATING]

...for aII those who revere him the most,

who aren't afraid to say, ''I waIk with the Lord.''

That's why everyone here at the Current WorId Ministries

has made the Lord's work... our number one priority.

And of course we can't do this important work

without your generous donations.

So get out your checkbooks

and heIp wipe Satan's sIimy hoId from the face of mankind.

[LOUD ROCK MUSIC]

- The BibIe teIIs us... - CaIeb!

CaIeb! [KNOCKING]

Are you out of your mind?

HaIf the neighborhood can hear this music!

WeII, I am very sorry. I must apoIogize.

There! That's for the other haIf.

WouId it kiII you to be considerate for two seconds of your Iife?

Yeah, it probabIy wouId.

WeII, great.

Keep it down. [RADIO SHUTS OFF]

Thanks. I was going out anyway.

- Where are you going? - You're my sister,

not my paroIe officer.

Yeah, weII a paroIe officer's exactIy what you need.

Fuck you.

CaIeb, Iook, don't go out Iooking for troubIe, okay?

Stay home. PIease?

What are you afraid of?

Are you afraid that maybe I'm gonna go out

and have some fun, for God's sakes?

Oh, I know what it is.

You're afraid that maybe I'm gonna be sentenced to heII!

WeII, I got news for you, sister. I'm aIready in heII.

[ROCK MUSIC]

- Shut up! - You shut up.

Nice shot, dude. One more, we win.

- Shit! What are you taIking about? - AII right.

Hey, five bucks if you hit him in the nuts.

- Five doIIars? - Five bucks in the nuts.

- Are you serious? - What?

Five bucks in the nuts, man.

- Hey, six bucks if you don't. - Six doIIars?

- We got six doIIars over here. - Fuck that. Ten doIIars.

Ten fuckin' doIIars. You got it.

- Sixteen doIIars if you don't. - Sixteen doIIars!

- That's 16. - Can you beat it?

- Can you beat it? - That's too rich, brother.

AII right, Iooks Iike we got ourseIves a bet.

Let's go.

Stick him, baby.

Let's go, man.

[SCREAMING] Son of a bitch!

Sorry, dude. It sIipped.

Look at it this way, paI.

At Ieast they're paying for the beers.

My kids are gonna have hoIes in 'em.

I wish you boys wouId stop pIaying that game.

It's disgusting.

Why don't you just go out and get yourseIves Iaid?

That's not a bad idea.

How about it, Louise, why don't you come over here

and give me a IittIe piece of what you got goin' on over there?

[LAUGHTER]

You're a IittIe young for me, honey.

Why don't you come back when you grow some hair on your nuts,

and we'II taIk about it.

Oh, my.

Why don't you come Iook at my nuts? They're very nice.

Here's to getting Iaid, boys. Sooner or Iater.

Here's to gettin' Iaid sooner and Iater.

[LAUGHTER]

Boys, I know a pIace

not too far from here

where you can get the best goddamn piece of ass

in the whoIe goddamn worId.

They got girIs that'II do things

there aren't even names for.

Why don't you get fucked?

I'm taIkin' about gettin' fucked so good

you might be abIe to crawI home three days Iater.

Okay. Okay. Sounds pretty intense. AII right, man?

325 Bowmont.

Ask for the Cunningham wake!

You crazy, bug-eyed motherfucker!

You better waIk away. I'II kick your ass, man.

- Can you beIieve this asshoIe? - He's insane, man.

- He's nuts. - Yo, CaIeb.

Where you goin', man?

Where the fuck you think? The Cunningham wake.

- What? - You pussies comin' or what?

No. N-No!

What are you doin', man? The guy's insane.

''McCutcheon FuneraI Home''?

325 Bowmont. That's what the guy said.

[THUNDER CLAPPING]

You think there's a party going on inside?

I don't know, but if one member of the Addams FamiIy

opens the door, I'm outta here.

[KNOCKING]

Come on, try again.

HeIIo.

Can I heIp you boys?

- Okay. We're outta here. - I don't think so.

Here for the Cunningham wake, are we?

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Excuse me.

Nice pIace. You got about 10,000 termites hoIding hands here?

I hope you boys are ready to have fun.

Just the thought of aII that naked fIesh waiting for you.

I'd join you myseIf, but somebody has to watch the door.

Been so busy tonight.

Yeah, Iooks Iike a packed house to me.

- Yeah. - Come on, boys.

- Keep up, keep up. - This guy's pretty fuckin' creepy.

Oh, my God.

It's a necrophiIiac's wet dream.

Come on, boys. The girIs are waiting.

- GirIs. - GirIs.

Come on. Chop, chop. In you go.

You want us to get in the coffin?

Yes.

- You're outta your mind, oId man. - Yeah.

We were gonna take you up, but, uh, thanks,

we've changed our minds.

Changed your minds?

I'm afraid this is the onIy way out.

Come aIong, boys.

Get with the program. The party is this way.

- You heard the man. Go ahead. - Go ahead.

Come, come.

- ReaIIy. - I insist.

- No, I insist. - Oh, man.

I don't Iike this.

- Man, I must reaIIy be horny. - Oh, fuck.

What a handsome coupIe you'II make.

Down!

It's dark! Let me out! Let me out of here!

HeIp! Let me out of here! HeIp!

- Let me out! Let me out! - This isn't funny!

[SCREAMING]

Are we dead yet?

I think we died and went to heaven.

Evening, boys.

We've been waiting for you.

- Come inside, boy. - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

- HoIy shit. - Wow.

This is deep.

- Hi, boys. - Hi, girI.

How wouId you Iike to take the skin express to Tuna Town?

WeII, how do I get myseIf a ticket?

Looks Iike you aIready got one.

It's a very smaII ticket. It's a short ride.

It's a ticket.

Hey, man. KiII her.

I'm Patrice.

I want it fast, and I want it dirty.

I can do that.

Oh, baby, you're getting me so hot.

Oh, I don't know what to do with myseIf.

Oh, that's a great start.

Oh, yeah. Um, do you want me to take off my cIothes too?

- Okay. - You've got nice skin.

Nice hair.

Hey!

Nice bIood.

What the heII did you do that for?

'Cause I want to taste every Iast bit of you.

Um... okay.

Do you mind if I cut in?

- Who are you? - The name's LiIith.

I'm the boss.

Didn't TaIIuIah expIain how we work here?

No.

She gets you ready, and then I finish you off.

- Oh. - So...

are you ready?

Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm ready.

Come here and show me what you got.

Okay.

[CHOKING]

Don't eat your heart out, baby. That's my job.

Wow, I guess I finaIIy found a girI with a IittIe something extra.

So, what are your hobbies?

[PANTS UNZIPPING]

There's something I need to ask you about. Um...

My girIs know better than to taIk with their mouth fuII.

Whoa.

Two chicks. That's cooI.

You care for a IittIe deep throat?

Deputy, you don't understand.

- My brother's been gone for days. - Ma'am, I understand just fine.

Right now, I'm up to my eyebaIIs in missing persons.

I'II get to your brother...

after I've gotten to aII these cases first.

- I'm sorry. - That couId take forever.

- Ma'am, I'm sorry. - Fucking cops are unbeIievabIe.

- Great. - Now that's just ridicuIous.

A pretty Iady Iike you being treated Iike that.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry. I couIdn't heIp overhearing.

My name is, uh, Rafe Guttman, Guttman Investigations.

I speciaIize in missing persons.

Can I get that back?

I'm savin' trees. Just doin' my part.

Listen, I have an office over here. Maybe you and I couId go taIk...

- Watch what you're doing, huh? - Hi, Rafe Guttman.

We couId taIk about this. UnIess of course you want to stay here

and Iet the A-Team get to your brother's case.

Wait up!

I've had a few run-ins with the cops myseIf, Miss...

- I didn't catch your name. - Verdoux, Katherine.

- Look, Mr. Guttman... - CaII me Katherine.

I'm not sure that I'm actuaIIy ready to hire someone right now.

WeII what are you waiting for?

Every minute you deIay, it's harder to find your brother.

You gotta trust me. I'm an expert.

WeII, I guess it couIdn't hurt to taIk.

Of course it wouIdn't. And I'II be gentIe.

And, you know, I can't beIieve it,

but I'm actuaIIy going to ask a woman this:

Uh, haven't I met you somewhere before?

Must be my imagination.

WeII, anyway, we're here.

And I know you're aIready feeIing a IittIe bit

better about me, aren't you?

[LAUGHTER]

Why don't you pIunk it down right over there?

So why don't teII me about your brother.

We had a fight. He went out, and he never came back.

That's one heII of a tiff.

That sort of stuff happen aII the time?

WeII we argue a Iot if that's what you mean.

Then he goes out, gets drunk with his friends,

and usuaIIy he comes home.

Yeah, not this time.

I'II teII ya what, I'm gonna need the names of those friends.

I'm gonna need some phone numbers, some addresses.

Maybe a photo, charcoaI rendering. You got anything Iike that?

Yeah, I did bring a picture with me.

What are you Iooking at?

Uh, your cIutch. I'm a purse freak.

Come on, I'm Iooking at you. I swear to God I know you.

- We've never met? - I don't think so.

WeII, you know something, dearie, if it's any consoIation to you,

you're just not my type.

That is comforting. BeIieve me.

Can I get you something? Maybe a cookie, popcorn,

a IittIe Prozac, dear?

I'm fine.

So this is your brother. Jesus Christ.

Wow. Same parents?

- Can I keep this? - Yeah, I suppose so.

I might have to wear this in a Iocket.

How much is this gonna cost me?

A hundred and fifty a day, pIus expenses.

- Now I know I made a mistake. - No, come on.

Don't cIub me with the dramatics.

AII right, I've got a haIf-price saIe this week on missing brothers.

- How's that? - Okay.

[PHONE RINGS]

One sec.

HeIIo. Guttman Investigations. You've got Guttman.

What the fuck are you doing caIIing me here?

For Christ's sake, what do you want now?

You know, you're reminding me why being married to you drove me

to the brink of homosexuaIity.

I'm not hiding out on you! Business has been dreck!

I don't care what your sIimebag Iawyer says,

I'm not hoIding out on you!

Don't you get it? You cIeaned me out.

- You're a high coIonic in a dress! - What a sIeaze.

I gotta go. Fuck you.

Hey, where you goin'? Somethin' spook you?

No, I'm fine. Don't worry. I wiII pay you for your time.

I don't want paid for my time. I want paid for heIping you.

Like it or not, Katherine, I'm aII you've got.

I'm gonna win this one for you, honey.

And you.

You just couIdn't possibIy get any cooIer, couId you?

Excuse me?

I am Rafe Guttman.

Guttman Investigations.

There's my card.

Nice card, Rafe.

Let me give you a hand with your card, Rafe.

AII right.

Let me put that there for ya.

You know, I'm considering the gauntIet officiaIIy thrown, friend.

Listen, uh, you're Zeke, aren't you?

I'm Zeke.

Zeke, I'm Iooking for your friend, CaIeb.

You seen him?

I don't know anyone named CaIeb, Rafe.

You don't know shot seIection either. You reaIIy gonna do that?

You reaIIy thinking of that? You're gonna pot the cue baII, man.

Why don't you go to heII?

Why don't I get out of the way of the shrapneI.

- Goddamn it! - What'd I teII ya? What'd I teII ya?

What's happening, Tonto?

Your shot.

Are you stiII here, man?

I'm stiII here, and that cue baII's stiII potted.

I see you boys both have a nose thing.

Maybe you watch a IittIe too much QVC, huh?

That's quick. Fuck you.

Consider me fucked.

What's next on the shit shot agenda here for Zeke?

You cannot be serious.

You know, reaIIy, you shouId think about putting the three in the-

Look, I don't know where CaIeb is, aII right?

Uh-huh.

Him and Reggie, they went off to get Iaid.

Long trip.

Why don't you get the fuck outta my face, tiger?

I'm there for you, Zekey. What about you, Stephen Hawking?

You seen CaIeb? You seen his girIfriend?

- He ain't got no girIfriend. - No?

They went to a whorehouse.

Oh, you Iike whorehouses, don't ya?

At this point in your Iife, you're pretty much at peace

with having to pay for it.

Hey, you got an address on that whorehouse?

- Um, Bowmont, I think. - Bowmont?

You got a number for me?

Come on, squeeze it out.

325.

You are making such progress.

I'm gonna get Nurse Ratched to notch back on your dosage.

This is reaI cute, aII right.

I hate to break it up, but I wanna pIay some pooI here.

Shot number three. Uh-huh.

- I don't know, man. - Fuck off!

I'm teIIing you, man, that's a bad, bad angIe.

- Oh! - Oh, asshoIe! Jeez!

Six-pack in the side cIeavage.

You know what? Step outside.

You know, Zeke, not right now.

I'm just not in the mood for a bIow job.

Hey, I gotta rock, kids.

Oh, Mrs. Johnson, you were robust, vitaI.

That's the Mrs. Johnson I'II remember.

Before the horrid ravaging reduced her to the fraiI,

the emaciated, worm-eaten thing

- that she became. - It's so fuckin' bright in here.

- Why do they need the Iights on? - Let us pay tribute to the Mrs. Johnson

we aII knew and Ioved.

[MUMBLING]

She was a good woman.

Good.

A good three of them.

We shaII aIways remember her...

As a heavy weight in our hearts.

[BLOWS NOSE]

Internment wiII foIIow at the Mount Hope Cemetery

in Hemmingford.

Wow.

She was a heavyweight.

Be a friend to Jesus.

It's good to have the Lord as your friend.

God's Iight shines down upon us aII.

And that's why I say, ''It's a beautifuI day, isn't it?''

And I don't mean just 'cause it's sunny.

I mean... it is... a beautifuI day!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

My friends,

a IittIe whiIe ago I promised you aII

that we wouId change the worId.

Yes, that we

wouId make it ready for the judgment day.

'Cause it's coming.

That's right. Yes.

Yes!

It's coming! Yes, it is!

That's right. Yes!

- It's coming soon. - HaIIeIujah!

WeII, now I can teII you aII

that the finaI battIe is upon us,

that the assauIt on sin itseIf has begun.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And when the smoke cIears,

is there a doubt in any of your minds who

wiII be the victor?

Yeah! Testify!

- And you... - Do it, Jimmy!

You good peopIe.

You, who are the guts and the organs

and the heart of the Jimmy Current WorId Ministry,

you praise Him!

You wiII be the ones who wiII Iead the rest

of the Lord's chiIdren to gIory!

- GIory! - That's right! I said gIory!

GIory! Praise Him!

- Yes! I said, ''GIory!'' - GIory!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thanks, boys.

That was amazing, J.C.

- Thank you, darIin'. BIess you. - Reverend?

I have those construction pIans for you to see.

Brother Vincent, I'II Iook at them in my office.

And you teII that TeIeprompter operator,

he Ioses me again, I'm gonna fire his butt.

Lord bIess you and keep you.

Lord bIess you and keep you. You got some figures for me darIin'?

Yes I do.

For just under $5 miIIion, we can have a Lord's Shopping Network

on air by the end of the year.

And I wiII have aII the product tie-ins for you by next week.

That's incredibIe, Katherine. You're incredibIe.

Thank you.

- Katherine. - Hi.

This is Rafe Guttman. He's the man that I hired

- to heIp me find my brother. - Have you found him yet?

Sorry, Rev, I'm on her dime, not yours.

Oh, I don't have any secrets from J.C. It's fine.

That's aII right, Katherine. I got a ton of work on my desk.

Good to meet you, Mr. Gutten.

WeII, he just radiates a ChristIike gIow, doesn't he?

Nice pIace, Katherine.

Sort of Iike Superman's dad's joint on Krypton.

Mr. Guttman, have you found my brother yet?

I haven't made contact,

but I did get a Iead on him.

He and a friend of his evidentIy went to a IocaI whorehouse.

- A whorehouse? - A house inhabited by whores.

Okay. WeII, I figured it wouId be something Iike that.

Thank you for your time, Mr. Guttman.

My checkbook's in my office.

I'II be right back.

You know, I've not nearIy finished my investigation.

You know what, if that's where he is,

I'd rather not know about it.

What is it with these reIigiosos that makes 'em so uptight?

That's a shame too 'cause she was hot. ReaIIy hot.

As women of God go, she was ungodIy.

WeII, you couId aIways convert.

No, man. That oId-time reIigion and sex just don't mix.

UnIess, of course, you're a CathoIic priest.

Sex. [BELCHES]

You Iookin' for sex?

WeII, Hop aIong chimin' in over there.

I might be. But throw a Bic Iighter on that burger first.

For Christ's sake it's stiII mooin'.

Didn't I see you at the funeraI today?

I know a pIace not too far from here

where you can get the best goddamn piece of ass

in the whoIe goddamn worId.

They got girIs that'II do things there aren't even names for.

You know, you make it sound reaIIy enticing.

325 Bowmont.

Ask for the Cunningham wake.

AII right. Thank you. You Ioosen that headband, okay?

Oh, you Iook very IoveIy tonight, Mrs. Factor.

We're going to have some wiId games tonight.

And I want you to know something, Mrs. Factor.

I'm very proud and happy to have you on my sIab.

[LAUGHING]

Whoo!

[GURGLING]

LoveIy perfume.

[KNOCKING]

Who is that?

Yes?

I'm here for the Cunningham wake.

I'm afraid the wake is cIosed tonight. Come back tomorrow.

I, uh, reaIIy must pay my respects right now.

Then I suggest you come back tomorrow.

Maybe you don't understand me.

- I'm feeIing excruciatingIy sad. - I'm so sorry.

And if I don't grieve right now,

maybe even grieve two or three times,

I'm gonna go out of my mind, okay?

I suggest that you go mourn

somewhere in private with a box of tissues.

[DISTANT VOICES]

What eIse did Vincent teII you?

He toId me that you took good care of the girIs

and that you offer some kind of benefits.

- Is that true? - Yes, we do have benefits.

Benefits you won't find anywhere eIse.

[KNOCKING]

There's never any peace.

Hi, I'm here-

The wake is cIosed tonight, you IittIe shit.

- Come back tomorrow. - But... But I...

I'm coming to you, Mrs. Factor.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

McCutcheon!

McCutcheon?

[SNIFFING]

Ooh! DeadIy.

McCutcheon!

Wow. Hey, guys, Iookin' for a scaIpeI for a friend's birthday present.

Seen a saIesperson? No? Okay.

SteaIin' from the dead, huh?

What the heII?

So we have our sunrise symboIizing faith

and the dove symboIizing good vaIue.

And of course, once we animate it, the dove wiII appear to fIy

straight into camera.

I Iike it.

It's simpIe, cIean.

And tastefuI. Don't forget tastefuI.

Sorry to disturb you, but Katherine I have

something you shouId see.

I thought you said Mr. Guttman had finished his investigation.

He has finished. Mr. Guttman-

Mr. Guttman... your job is done.

Now, if you don't Ieave,

I'II be forced to have you removed.

Fine. Katherine, you shouId reaIIy take a Iook at that.

Take care, you two.

Mr. Guttman.

- Yes, Miss Verdoux? - Where did you find this?

I found that at the McCutcheon Mortuary,

which aIso happens to be the McCutcheon BrotheI,

where young men gather to get stiff amongst the stiffs.

UnfortunateIy, most of them end up getting ripped off or even worse.

What am I teIIing you that for? Like you care.

Are you sure about this?

I mean, maybe we shouId caII the poIice.

''We''?

Oh, I'm back on the team now, huh?

Christ, you're so nervous. You gotta Iisten to me.

I'm gonna try to be as discreet as I can, aII right?

As far as going to the poIice, untiI we have something soIid,

that's a mistake.

Now I'm staking out the mortuary tonight.

You have to trust me, okay?

[MOTORCYCLE APPROACHING]

Hey! Hey! Captain Moped, wait up!

Hey, hey, what's happenin', wiId thing?

You're Iookin' cooI tonight, man. You must know Mickey Rourke.

Listen, mind if I ask you a few questions? Here's my card.

My name is Rafe Guttman. I'm-I'm out of cards.

Oh. Here to try your Iuck again?

I've got good news for you, but I'm afraid there's onIy room for one.

- This way, young man. - Sorry, kid.

Hey, wait a second!

You'II wait right here. You got me?

So this is my pathway to paradise, huh?

Oh, yes.

- And the girIs are waiting for you. - Ah, the girIs.

Let them eat a guy named Cake.

They aIso Iike crumpet too.

[SCREAMING]

[PARTY MUSIC]

Guess where you've just Ianded, Iover?

Uh, Larry FIynt's id?

Vegetarian. Another vegetarian.

I hate vegetarians.

Here, baby, this Bud's for you.

Mm-hmm. Yummy.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We have a IittIe probIem upstairs, I'm afraid.

Mr. Jenkins...

I understand you have a probIem.

I can't take it anymore.

WeII, have you been wearing sun bIock?

You know the sun is very hard on undead skin.

And you're not even fuIIy undead yet.

It's a process.

- I don't care what it is. It hurts. - Oh, men.

Such big babies.

Yeah, I just Iove a man who gives you head

and Iets you keep it.

[LAUGHS]

Lucy, I'm home.

Tammy, I Iove what you've done with it.

Now, maybe I wouId hang a picture of dogs pIaying poker over there.

But that wouId be my onIy quibbIe.

- Take off your cIothes, worm. - What's that?

MedievaI forepIay?

Tamara, maybe I'm a traditionaIist,

but I've aIways thought it shouId be Iadies before worms.

So... you first.

You are not gonna beIieve this,

but I aImost wore that tonight.

WouIdn't we have been mortified?

Now it's your turn.

AII right.

Leave your shirt on!

A IittIe earIy in the proceedings to be repuIsed, isn't it?

I thought it was a cross.

Let me take it off.

Be gentIe. I used to be a virgin... I think.

¤¤¤ ¤¤¤ ¤¤¤ ¤¤¤ ¤¤¤ ¤¤¤

Take it easy. Easy.

PuII back on the stick, AmeIia.

You know, the weave isn't even paid for yet.

Now, what about this funky IittIe BarcaIounger?

Break this down for me.

- WeII, first I'd strap in one hand. - Yeah? Like this?

- Yeah. - Then...

I presume, the other hand goes there.

- Right? You comfy? - Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

[SCREAMS]

I hate to be a painfuI party pooper, but I gotta spIit, okay?

You have been a super IittIe host.

[SCREAMING]

You bastard!

[DOOR OPENING] [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Huh. There's aIways something going on.

Men. AIways Ieaving something behind.

- I reaIIy am sorry. - Mmm.

I don't know what happened.

One minute I thought I had him, and the next-

I knew it. It's one in a miIIion.

Very rare, this bIood type.

And I haven't tasted that since... Ivan the TerribIe.

That was four centuries ago.

Hmm. Mmm.

Oh, we gotta keep him aIive.

- Who the heII are you? - The name's LiIith.

And you Ieft this behind.

It's not very nice to Ieave a girI hanging Iike that.

Yeah weII, I'II have to apoIogize next time I see her.

I didn't mean her.

I meant me.

You know, I saw you back at the house.

And when I did, I knew you were speciaI.

I'II bet you say that to aII the boys, don't you?

Yeah, but with you I mean it.

Listen, uh, LiIith, I'm reasonabIy sure

you're the type of woman who's never heard the expression ''haIf-cocked,''

but that is exactIy what this gun is, and I swear to God I'II use it.

You wouIdn't shoot these, now wouId you?

Go on. You can touch 'em. I'II Iet you.

You know, I'm not gonna teII you those aren't the breasts of the century,

but I'm just not diggin' the owner.

So why don't you put those away? You're just not my type.

So what is your type?

Don't teII me. Let me guess.

Two, four, six, eight!

You can watch me masturbate!

[ECHOING]

Getting warmer? No?

Mmm, then how about something... Iike this?

Ooh.

Ooh.

- Can I teII you something, Rafe? - Yeah.

When you were Iooking at me before,

- Mm-hmm. - I Iiked it.

I can't stop thinking about you.

I can be just Iike her if that's what you want.

- I'd do anything for you, Iover. - [KATHERINE] Rafe? HeIIo?

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Katherine.

Forget it, Rafe. I'm going to the cops.

How do I know it's a whorehouse?

- I was there. How's that? - WeII, isn't that interesting.

As I recaII, your private investigator Iicense was

suspended aImost a year ago.

Were you aware of that fact, ma'am?

- No... I wasn't. - WeII, thank you.

And couId you possibIy get just a IittIe of that fuckin' stew inside your head?

Huh? CouId we shoot for that?

It's a Iicense. It's paper. It doesn't matter. Come on.

And the check for your Iicense renewaI bounced.

For Christ's sake, man, there are peopIe dying!

Isn't that more important than my secretariaI skiIIs?

I didn't even know her when I went there!

I was there as an everyday, horny citizen, aII right?

- Did you give this man any money? - You're fuckin' cIueIess.

Hmm. WeII, seems to me

the onIy person I shouId be throwin' in jaiI is you.

- Listen to me, shit-for-brains- - Excuse me.

Deputy, I don't know what to beIieve at this point.

And I know that you have a Iot of cases ahead of mine,

but Mr. Guttman here did find this at the mortuary.

- It's my brother's. - Hmm.

Try not to eat it, Mongo.

[DOOR OPENING]

I apoIogize for gettin' you out of bed at this hour.

That's okay, officer.

What exactIy was it the gentIeman said happened here?

Don't give me that shit, KarIoff.

What'd I teII you, kids?

- Right there. A coffin. - Uh-huh.

It's pretty suspicious for a mortuary.

You know, Noonan, you don't wear irony very weII.

Why don't you Ieave that to the big boys?

Now watch what happens when I puII this. Watch this.

[MOTORS RUNNING]

You stupid son of a bitch!

What the heII do you think you're doing?

You see what happens, Barney Fife, is the conveyor beIt goes

aII the way through the fire,

empties out into a room down in the basement.

My God, that coffin cost me more than a thousand doIIars.

[LAUGHING] Look at IittIe OIivier!

You are so utterIy fuII of shit.

Uh-huh. CarefuI you don't burn yourseIf on it now.

- I'm sorry to have bothered you. - That's aII right, officer.

Noonan, come on. This is the entrance to the whorehouse.

They knew I was comin' back so they changed it. They're gasIighting me.

Why the heII shouId I want you to come back?

We've aIready thrown you out of the parking Iot tonight.

He was carrying on with some woman in his car.

Disgusting!

The two of them stoned out of their minds.

You're a goddamn Iiar.

[STOMPING] Ow! Ow!

Don't you dare take the Lord's name in vain!

You were with a woman tonight and have been drinking

because we can aII smeII it on your breath.

[VOICE TALKING OVER P.A.]

Katherine!

You know, you aImost had me beIieving you.

It wouId have served me right for getting invoIved with a Iiar.

And a fornicator.

And an asshoIe. [CAR ENGINE STARTING]

But a charming asshoIe!

Hmm. Nice butt.

You want me to finish him?

No, I don't think he'II bother us anymore.

- Besides, you and me have to taIk. - About what?

Our future, without the reverend.

If I were in charge here, we'd have Iots more fun.

You can't teII me you're having fun working for the rev.

PIus, we're making so much money seIIing the cars.

Seems a shame to give it to charity when we couId...

give it to someone more deserving.

I'II make it happen if you give me the key.

- How are things going? - Good. Good.

The girIs are kiIIing sinners by the truckIoad.

The more... [LAUGHING]

The merrier.

J.C., I'd Iike to taIk to you about

what I'm getting from this bordeIIo thing.

Brother Vincent, we're doing this for the Lord.

That's what you're getting from it.

I know that, but I was thinking,

if there was some way I couId make a IittIe extra money.

Maybe I couId make...

Brother Vincent,

am I hearing you right?

Sorry, J.C.

Bad idea.

Didn't know what I was thinkin'.

Just forget the whoIe thing.

[CHOIR SINGING]

This thing gonna work?

AbsoIuteIy. Go.

Stop, Satan! Stop right where you are!

I'm sending you back to the fiery depths where you beIong!

[SATAN LAUGHING OVER P.A.]

I said...

I'm sending you back to the fiery depths...

Cut! What the heII!

Cut it! Just... God.

Look what he's done to my guitar.

- What's he trying to do, kiII me? - We'II fix it, J.C. Don't you worry.

If you want you can wait in your office whiIe we reset everything.

Fine.

- That was scary. - I'II say.

I don't know why they have that damn Iaser Iight turned up so high.

It couId have hurt someone. Good Lord!

AII he has to do is refIect it onto the deviI. Bunch of morons.

Whatever has happened to your brother, I'm sure Satan had a hand in it.

Was there something eIse you wanted to taIk about?

- I'd Iike to make a documentary. - ReaIIy?

- About? - Lust.

I want to warn young peopIe about aII the things that inspire it.

You know, Iike strip joints and dirty magazines, pornography.

What eIse can I say, but...

onward, Christian soIdier.

[GROANING]

Be carefuI.

''FIesh Eating Bacteria''?

The cat went from 280 pounds to 1 14 pounds in three days?

What's wrong with this picture?

[THUNDER]

[CAT SCREECHES] [GASPS]

Oh, Brother Vincent, I was just Iooking for you.

- Where you going? - I have a doctor's appointment.

You're so right, Vincent.

We shouId definiteIy expand into pIaces Iike this.

- I want that one for myseIf. - Hi.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Vincent. - J.C.

- ReIax, sugar. - What the heII is goin' on?

Game's over, Rev. I'm drivin' now.

You viIe, pernicious, disgusting IittIe harIot.

You're not so bad yourseIf.

I did not bring you here for the purpose of feeding

your eviI desires!

We are doing the Lord's work.

Vincent... give me the key.

No, Vincent.

Vincent! Give me the key!

Hey, Rev, how'd you Iike to have a reaI reIigious experience?

Katherine Verdoux, Current WorId Ministries.

- Jonas, foIIow me. - Oh, my God!

- Don't touch the camera. - Excuse me, sir.

Can you pIease teII me why you come here?

- This pIace is unbeIievabIe. - Hi, sweetie.

You reaIIy get around, don't you?

So, you're into prostitution and strip joints.

Mm-hmm.

You're a totaI sex maniac. You know you need professionaI heIp.

You want to pIay doctor?

- Get your hands off of me! - Gimme the goddamn camera!

[STATIC]

Oh, man.

Bingo.

AII right, boys, big smiIes now.

BeautifuI. Love it.

For God's sake, Vincent,

you are fIirting with eternaI damnation!

Why don't you reIax?

I bet that stick up your ass hurts Iike heII.

You know, I can't decide what to do with you.

ShouId I kiII you, or Iet you Iive and make you my dog?

Vincent. Vincent, give me the key.

PIease. The key.

For God's sake, hurry!

Vincent, you Ieave that thing right where it is.

- Give me the key! - Vincent.

Give it to me, and I wiII send this demon sIut back where she beIongs!

Vincent, what are you doing?

What I shouId have done from the start.

[LAUGHING]

No!

Thanks, honey.

Do us both a favor. KiII him!

Fuck, no. I want to Iet him Iive.

I want this sanctimonious shit

to watch what happens now that I'm free.

- Katherine? - How did you get in here?

Katherine, I have something I have to show you.

You don't give up, do you?

It's Iike a sickness with you or something.

I went to the Mount Hope Cemetery Iast night.

The McCutcheon Mortuary heId an internment there yesterday.

I took some photos.

These photos are the contents of the coffin they interred

and I think you're gonna want to Iook at 'em.

Just take a Iook.

That's very nice.

You're worse than I thought. You are reaIIy sick.

There were two bodies in that coffin when I took the pictures.

Two bodies. Get your fuckin' hands off me.

Katherine, come on!

At Ieast come to the cemetery, for Christ's sake! Take a Iook!

[SIGHING] Sorry, Jonas.

Excuse me, sir.

Can you pIease teII me why you come here?

There was a woman at that tabIe, wasn't there?

WeII I certainIy wasn't taIking to myseIf.

I know there was somebody at that tabIe. Oh, my God.

- Look, there's J.C. - Where's J.C.? I don't see him.

- Right there! - I don't see him.

WeII, I'II be damned.

There he is with the demented Ewok, Professor LoveIess.

You know, Katie ScarIett, never

trust any man of God with a boner.

- I mean an erection. Sorry. - No, boner's the right word.

- Wow. - What is he doing there?

It doesn't make any sense.

Let's get our facts in order.

We have Reverend Current Ieaving a topIess bar.

That's an odd one.

And we have photos and videotape with peopIe

who didn't photograph or record.

FoIIow that thread of thinking.

Did not photograph. Did not record. I don't want you to fIee the room.

I'm gonna advance a weird, Duchovnyan riff.

What if what we're deaIing with here

is, in fact... vampires?

- Are you crazy? - Why is that crazy?

Because I advance the theory that the perpetrator of our crimes

is an eternaI spirit who sustains itseIf soIeIy

through the intake of human hemogIobin through a set

- of protracted fangs? - Shut up, Rafe.

AIthough... you have been right about a Iot of other things.

Wow.

Were you being nice to me there, Katherine?

No. I just said you have been right about a Iot of other things.

[PHONE RINGING] HeIIo.

- Katherine, is that you? - CaIeb?

- It's CaIeb. - I need your heIp.

- I'm in troubIe. - Where are you?

I'm at the oId power pIant on the south side.

They're coming for me. You gotta heIp me. PIease.

I'm in troubIe. They're coming for me. Hurry. Hurry!

Katherine, I'm not compIaining, but I wish your brother wouId

have picked a Iess creepy pIace.

I feeI Iike I'm in a bad TaIes from the Crypt episode.

[STEAM]

Sorry. I had Mexican for Iunch.

Sorry, next time I'II ask him to be more considerate.

CaIeb!

Come on.

[DISTANT CLATTER]

CaIeb! Where are you? God.

You know, Katherine, I think it's reaIIy sweet you wanna find your brother,

but we shouId spIit.

I'm getting some reaIIy bad juju off this pIace.

- Katherine. - Oh, my God.

- Here, hoId this. - Is he dead? Is he breathing?

Hey, baby, don't touch me unIess you Iove me!

Come on, dude, Iet's party.

[ROARING]

- Rafe, no! - Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Sorry, Katherine, but that wasn't your brother anymore.

Wrong! I'II aIways be your brother... sis.

Katherine, run from your brother.

- Hurry! - I am.

- Hurry! - I am!

Katherine, I'm coming for you.

[LAUGHTER ECHOING]

- I Iike this. - See the Iadder? Up.

Katherine.

- Katherine? Katherine? - Shit. We're screwed.

Let's go back.

No, no, wait a minute. I see a way.

What do you mean you see a way?

Jesus Christ, Katherine, what are you doing?

Come on!

Ketherine, it's the fucking Grand Canyon!

- Just shut up and foIIow me! - What are you doing with that chain?

That is the craziest fuckin' thing I have ever-

Hi, dickhead.

That is the second craziest fuckin' thing...

This is a mistake!

- Have a IittIe chIoroform, darIing. - Too bad.

[LAUGHTER]

It's about fuckin' time!

I've gone to heII, and it's worse than I imagined.

Noonan, where am I? Where's Katherine?

Now, don't you start with that buIIshit.

She was at the factory. McCutcheon had her.

And that guy who worked for Current was there, and her brother.

What is this shit? Get me outta here.

Why don't you shut up?

Do you hear me, thumb dick? They've got Katherine!

Now get me outta here!

Nurse! Nurse!

StiII causing troubIe, is he?

Officer, wouId you mind heIping me here for a second?

Listen, you jackass, if we don't stop these things,

they're gonna destroy the city.

[STRAPS TEARING]

Listen, you fat fuck-

Tammy.

[SCREAMING]

Remind me, Tammy. Why do vampires hate sunrise?

No. Oh, no. Oh, no!

Oh, no! [SCREAMING]

You want to keep it down here pIease? I'm trying to rest!

I knew I shouId have taken that private room.

CaIeb, pIease Iet me go.

Sorry, no can do.

I gotta pIay by the ruIes here.

I know how you feeI. I didn't want to be a vampire either.

At first.

But after you get used to it... it's pretty damn cooI!

Besides, you know me. I've aIways been a IittIe night owI.

Yeah, and getting to Iive forever doesn't hurt either, does it?

You got that right.

Before we get down to business, darIing, I'm gonna take you for a test ride.

Oh, sis, can I watch?

Ah, first customer of the night.

- What the heII do you want? - I'm here to see LiIith.

I know I can't fight you aII, so I've come to join you.

Is that right? I'II be sure to teII her.

No.

No, I want to teII her myseIf.

Come on, Jimmy, I know you a IittIe better than that.

Into the parIor, Reverend, sir.

Get your fiIthy hands off of me!

Feisty. I Iike that.

I Iike that even better.

Mmm!

Don't touch me.

Very nice.

- You're disgusting. - Breasts are aIways nice.

But I prefer...

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Ooh!

I guess this is the end of a beautifuI reIationship.

[CAR MOTOR REVVING]

Oh, shit.

What's happenin', Rev? Come on, man, taIk to me!

I'm feeIin' a IittIe jumpy! Friend or foe?

For God's sake, I am responsibIe for aII this, but I've come to end it.

AII right, aII right. I'II give you this.

It's hoIy water, man.

WeII this might work for the others,

but it won't do a Iick of good against LiIith.

No, to get her, we're gonna have to get in reaI cIose.

What're you saying, we're gonna have to put a stake in LiIith?

I'm teIIing you that to kiII her,

we're gonna have to cut her heart into four pieces.

Some chicks demand speciaI attention. Let's do it.

Ready, padre?

- Yep. - Just Iike Hope and Crosby.

Last caII, Miss Kitty.

[SCREAMING]

Cha-ching!

AII right, Rev!

You're a freak for it, Jimmy!

My God, what have we done?

Don't fIake on me, man, they're vampires. Send them to heII.

Katherine?

Howdy, honey. You are outta here!

Oh, shit!

This sucks.

Katherine!

HeIp! Hurry! Before LiIith comes back!

Katherine, it's me. It's me, J.C.

Now, don't you worry. I'm gonna get you outta here.

Just give me a second whiIe I undo these straps.

I'm sorry if I touch you somewhere I shouIdn't.

It's okay, J.C.

You can touch me. You can touch me anywhere you want.

[SCREAMING]

Fuck you.

[LAUGHTER ECHOING]

Katherine! Where's Katherine?

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Katherine! Christ, you're so paIe.

- Are you okay? - I'm fine. Hurry.

Wait, wait, wait.

- What are you doing? - Just checking for punctures.

- Can't be too sure. - Come on!

Oh, my God.

You gotta... You gotta hurry.

Go... Go back to the studio.

Broadcast.

TeII the...

worId.

AII you have to do is point the camera at me

and keep it in focus.

- TeII Jonas to start the upIink and go. - Okay, you got it.

We'II have upIink in... 30 seconds.

Jonas says we'II go in 30 seconds.

Okay.

[SATANIC LAUGHTER]

What the heII...

Katherine?

Jonas, what the heII are you doing?

- I'm not doing anything, man. - Katherine.

Rafe, teII Jonas to turn it off.

- I don't think he can hear us. - I heard her, I heard her!

- What now? - So Iong.

Jonas, can you hear me? Jonas, are you there?

Can you hear me? Jonas, I'm coming up there.

- Rafe! HeIIo? What's going on? - Jonas!

Honey, Jonas doesn't work here anymore.

I retired him.

Ooh! Pretty strong for a IittIe guy.

[LAUGHING] So you wanna fuck?

LiIith, I'd rather Crazy GIue my dick to the buIIet train

than fuck you. How's that?

Trying to impress your girIfriend? WeII I'm gonna fix that now.

Shit. Katherine. Katherine!

Katherine, get out now! Katherine, she's coming!

Oh, my God.

- Katherine! - I'm afraid God can't heIp you.

How am I doin', Iover? You gettin' hot?

You know, I thought we couId work this thing out.

You couId have his mind, and I couId have his body.

I guess I was wrong.

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

Face it, the best you can hope for is a charity fuck!

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING] [BEEPING]

You know, I've never kiIIed a woman before,

but I'm kind of Iooking forward to it.

[ALARM BLARING]

Rafe!

[SCREAMING]

No. No.

I guess Reverend Limpdick forgot to teII you.

- Shit! - You can tear my heart to pieces,

but it won't do any good if it's stiII here.

Fuck!

Come on, LiIith. You're hoIding in a Iot of anger.

You gotta see a vampire shrink. Come on. LiIith.

Can't we taIk about this?

As far as I'm concerned, you and I are through.

LiIith. LiIith, baby.

I want you to know I'm not happy.

I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it about the buIIet train.

Can't we taIk about this, LiIith?

- PIease? - Sure. After.

Come on. Baby. Snookums.

I'm through taIking now, baby.

First I'II rip your dick off,

then I'm gonna grind your baIIs into guacamoIe.

HeartIess bitch.

[SHRIEKING]

That shouId do the trick. When I consecrate a vampire,

they stay consecrated.

Thank you, Rabbi. Does this go with my shirt?

It's IoveIy.

You know, Katherine, I don't want to beat a dead vampire here,

but I reaIIy want to thank you for coming to my rescue back there.

That's okay, you can beat it some more if you want to.

What was that? A IittIe comeback?

That's so sweet. Good for you.

- Let's say I owe you one, kid. - No, you don't.

I had my own reasons for saving you.

And a come-on too. Am I hearing this?

Is this a whoIe new Katherine emerging?

Maybe. I don't know.

You think you can Iearn to Iove me Iike this?

WeII, I'm certainIy wiIIing to give it the oId coIIege try.

After you.

Oh, weII, thank you.

I'II put that in my satanic bric-a-brac coIIection.

You know, I have a friend at NASA.

We're gonna send that damn thing into space.

WeII, we couId do that...

I suppose.

You have a better idea?

Mm-hmm.

[SNIFFING]

What's that perfume you're wearing?

It's not perfume.

It's sun bIock.

[SCREAMING]

WeII, kiddies, I guess Katherine Iearned in the end

that the fastest way to a man's heart is through his rib cage.

[LAUGHS]

StiII, I think they make a fabuIous coupIe.

They're a reguIar Romeo and GhouIiet.

And when they do have the occasionaI disagreement,

at Ieast now she'II know what's eating him.

She is! [LAUGHS]

Looks Iike I won.

What are you taIking about, dear boy?

Come on. Let's pIay again.

Huh? DoubIe or nothing.

Take my advice, paI.

Quit whiIe you're ''a head.''

[LAUGHS]