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1
00:00:02,234 --> 00:00:04,148
I can't believe this window
is still stuck.
2
00:00:04,203 --> 00:00:06,171
- I'm freezing to death!
- Before you die,
3
00:00:06,233 --> 00:00:08,648
where in your room did you hide
your Halloween candy?
4
00:00:08,695 --> 00:00:10,034
Mom, I didn't think any car
5
00:00:10,089 --> 00:00:12,196
could be worse than your minivan.
But here we are.
6
00:00:12,276 --> 00:00:14,030
Kindly address all complaints
to your father.
7
00:00:14,099 --> 00:00:15,331
He's the one who's been driving around
8
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,560
with that broken window for two years.
9
00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:18,785
I'm pretending I'm Shackleton
10
00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:20,529
when his boat got stuck in the ice.
11
00:00:20,615 --> 00:00:21,754
I'm pretending I was switched at birth
12
00:00:21,823 --> 00:00:23,356
and my real family is waiting at school
13
00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:25,191
to whisk me back to our castle.
14
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:33,466
Okay, we're here!
15
00:00:33,535 --> 00:00:34,734
Time for you to bother other grown-ups.
16
00:00:34,803 --> 00:00:35,768
Love you!
17
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:41,474
Mama, the door won't open.
18
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:47,980
It still won't open.
19
00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:50,082
Mine, too! Oh God, we're trapped!
20
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,784
This is just like Shackleton.
21
00:00:51,853 --> 00:00:54,387
Pretty soon, we're gonna be
eating the sled dogs.
22
00:00:54,455 --> 00:00:56,289
The electrical is shot.
23
00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:58,124
Maybe I shouldn't have bought
that big subwoofer
24
00:00:58,193 --> 00:00:59,959
from the guy who bags my groceries.
25
00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:04,163
Oh, my God, there's the new guy,
Trip Windsor.
26
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,932
All right, abandon ship.
27
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,501
Everyone, crawl out of Taylor's window.
28
00:01:08,570 --> 00:01:09,602
No way!
29
00:01:09,671 --> 00:01:10,736
Not in this shirt!
30
00:01:10,805 --> 00:01:12,738
I finally found John Varvatos
at Marshalls.
31
00:01:12,807 --> 00:01:14,807
No, not in front of Trip!
32
00:01:14,876 --> 00:01:16,242
I'll just quit school and stay here.
33
00:01:16,311 --> 00:01:17,577
Yeah, she doesn't need school.
34
00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:18,878
Let her embrace her future.
35
00:01:18,947 --> 00:01:20,646
Take her to the nearest Lancôme counter.
36
00:01:20,715 --> 00:01:22,548
The longer it takes for you to crawl,
37
00:01:22,617 --> 00:01:24,383
the longer people are gonna stare.
38
00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:26,752
To the lifeboats!
39
00:01:51,112 --> 00:01:53,713
Thank you for the most
humiliating moment of my life!
40
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:54,914
Please!
41
00:01:54,983 --> 00:01:56,249
Wait till you hear my speech
at your wedding.
42
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:06,192
So that is why I am never
driving your car again.
43
00:02:06,261 --> 00:02:08,060
Well, at least you got the doors
to work when you got home.
44
00:02:10,999 --> 00:02:12,899
I got birthed by a sedan today, Greg.
45
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,033
And the OB-GYN?
46
00:02:14,102 --> 00:02:15,601
The neighbor's gardener.
47
00:02:15,670 --> 00:02:17,737
It's time to take your car
to the mechanic
48
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:18,804
and get it fixed.
49
00:02:18,873 --> 00:02:20,039
I'd love to,
50
00:02:20,108 --> 00:02:21,173
but I just don't think
we can afford to right now.
51
00:02:21,242 --> 00:02:22,375
My book comes out tomorrow,
52
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:23,776
and if it doesn't sell,
I'm not getting tenure.
53
00:02:23,845 --> 00:02:25,945
Do you know what happens to
professors who don't get tenure?
54
00:02:26,014 --> 00:02:27,013
Don't spiral.
55
00:02:27,081 --> 00:02:28,414
They end up substitute teachers
56
00:02:28,483 --> 00:02:30,416
moonlighting as hosts
at the Cheesecake Factory!
57
00:02:30,485 --> 00:02:31,684
I'm gonna gain 15...
58
00:02:31,753 --> 00:02:33,886
- like that!
- Aaand... you're spiraling.
59
00:02:33,955 --> 00:02:35,655
Why are you assuming the worst?
60
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:37,523
It doesn't matter about the book.
61
00:02:37,592 --> 00:02:39,458
You're gonna get tenure either way.
62
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:40,927
Katie, that's not how it works.
63
00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:43,729
If the book fails, we could
end up in the poor house.
64
00:02:43,798 --> 00:02:44,830
End up?
65
00:02:44,899 --> 00:02:46,766
Not one countertop in this entire house
66
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:47,967
is made of granite.
67
00:02:48,036 --> 00:02:49,168
We're already here.
68
00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:50,937
Himalayan salt?
69
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:53,639
Who are we, Facebook employees
five through nine?
70
00:02:54,909 --> 00:02:56,275
And who's not finishing their Go-Gurt?
71
00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,944
This family is now on a budget.
72
00:02:58,012 --> 00:03:00,646
New rule...
if you're food, you get eaten.
73
00:03:00,715 --> 00:03:02,949
But what about Hans Gruber?
74
00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:05,251
He's food! Are you gonna eat him?!
75
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:07,420
What? No.
76
00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:09,188
Hans Gruber,
we knew this day would come.
77
00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:10,456
Run!
78
00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,795
I'm gonna leave a candle
on my window tonight
79
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,697
so my parents with a castle can find me.
80
00:03:22,737 --> 00:03:25,671
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
81
00:03:28,743 --> 00:03:30,376
Greg's book comes out today,
82
00:03:30,445 --> 00:03:32,578
and he's worried nobody's gonna buy it.
83
00:03:32,647 --> 00:03:33,646
I'll buy one.
84
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,549
What? I bet he has a dreamy author photo
85
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:37,883
where he's sort of staring at you
86
00:03:37,952 --> 00:03:40,619
with his glasses dangling
from his pillowy lips.
87
00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:43,122
Doris, you have your own husband
to fantasize about.
88
00:03:43,191 --> 00:03:45,791
All my Richard fantasies involve
me pushing him off a boat.
89
00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:48,794
So, is Greg spiraling?
90
00:03:48,863 --> 00:03:50,029
To save money on electricity,
91
00:03:50,098 --> 00:03:51,564
he wants us to unplug the digital clock
92
00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:53,366
and just reset it
every time we get home.
93
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:55,968
- Greg is spiraling.
- I need that car fixed.
94
00:03:56,037 --> 00:03:58,004
This morning when the gardener
pulled me through the window,
95
00:03:58,072 --> 00:03:59,872
he got a big handful of Katie.
96
00:03:59,941 --> 00:04:02,174
Well, maybe Greg's book
will get some positive reviews
97
00:04:02,243 --> 00:04:03,209
and he'll calm down.
98
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,343
Maybe.
99
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:06,012
Or definitely.
100
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:10,049
You two are going to
review his book on Amazon.
101
00:04:10,118 --> 00:04:11,150
If there's homework,
102
00:04:11,219 --> 00:04:12,651
I'm gonna stop coming
to these breakfasts.
103
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,620
You don't have to read it...
Just give it a glowing review.
104
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:16,355
The positive feedback
will make him feel better.
105
00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:18,657
Then he'll relax,
and then we can fix the car.
106
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:20,226
Do you really think our two reviews
107
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:21,527
are gonna make a difference?
108
00:04:21,596 --> 00:04:23,362
Trust me, one of my favorite
things about Greg
109
00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:27,133
is that a little breeze at
his back blows him a long way.
110
00:04:27,201 --> 00:04:29,535
- Merry Christmas, Greg.
- Oh, honey,
111
00:04:29,604 --> 00:04:31,137
you shouldn't spend money
on lottery tickets...
112
00:04:31,205 --> 00:04:33,572
no one ever wins.
113
00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:36,542
Look at that! I won $10!
114
00:04:36,611 --> 00:04:38,177
Kids, we're going to Benihana!
115
00:04:38,246 --> 00:04:40,246
Everyone can have sodas!
116
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:41,447
I went to Benihana once.
117
00:04:41,516 --> 00:04:43,082
The chef flipped shrimp tails in the air
118
00:04:43,151 --> 00:04:44,383
and caught them in his hat.
119
00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,385
It was like a circus... in a restaurant!
120
00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:48,187
So you'll help me?
121
00:04:48,256 --> 00:04:50,389
I've been sitting with you for an
hour and a half on a Thursday.
122
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,991
I clearly have nothing better to do.
123
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:58,364
What's with all the fruits
and the leafy-green vegetables?
124
00:04:58,433 --> 00:04:59,765
Where is my diet soda?
125
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:01,267
That stuff's terrible for you.
126
00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:02,668
It's loaded with chemicals.
127
00:05:02,737 --> 00:05:04,904
70% of my portfolio's chemicals...
128
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:07,573
why shouldn't 70%
of my body be, as well?
129
00:05:07,642 --> 00:05:09,842
70% of your portfolio?
130
00:05:09,911 --> 00:05:11,644
Interesting.
131
00:05:12,947 --> 00:05:14,513
What are you doing?
132
00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:15,881
I need to do a report for school
133
00:05:15,950 --> 00:05:17,450
about a successful person in my life,
134
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:18,818
and I'm choosing you.
135
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:20,453
- Oh.
- So let's start from the beginning...
136
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,588
what drove you to become
the man you are today?
137
00:05:22,657 --> 00:05:24,123
Well, I guess it was my dad.
138
00:05:24,192 --> 00:05:26,192
He shined shoes
in Grand Central Station.
139
00:05:26,260 --> 00:05:28,694
My drive is not to struggle like he did.
140
00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:30,963
You know that saying,
"Money can't buy you happiness"?
141
00:05:31,032 --> 00:05:32,064
Yeah?
142
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:33,466
Well, it's nonsense.
143
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:34,867
Written by a rich person
144
00:05:34,936 --> 00:05:37,937
to make poor people feel better
about their sad lives.
145
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,805
Rich people are the best.
146
00:05:41,109 --> 00:05:42,675
I want to do better than my dad, too.
147
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,777
Well, doesn't your dad
have a book coming out?
148
00:05:44,846 --> 00:05:45,878
Yeah, today.
149
00:05:45,947 --> 00:05:47,813
Well, he can make some dollars
off of that.
150
00:05:47,882 --> 00:05:50,149
It's called "John Stuart Mill
and the Consequences
151
00:05:50,218 --> 00:05:52,051
of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook."
152
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,119
Oh. Well...
153
00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:55,421
money can't buy you happiness.
154
00:05:57,263 --> 00:05:59,091
- Katie!
- Yeah?
155
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:00,893
The first reviews of my book
are in and they love it!
156
00:06:00,962 --> 00:06:02,728
- Amazing!
- Listen to this!
157
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,530
"This isn't just the best
158
00:06:04,599 --> 00:06:06,532
John Stuart Mill book I've ever read...
159
00:06:06,601 --> 00:06:08,701
it's the best book
I've ever read, period."
160
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,103
- Wow.
- Here's another.
161
00:06:11,172 --> 00:06:13,439
"Greg Otto is clearly
a gifted author and historian.
162
00:06:13,508 --> 00:06:15,074
And what a handsome author photo."
163
00:06:15,143 --> 00:06:16,275
Well, thank you...
164
00:06:16,344 --> 00:06:18,068
DragonLady853.
165
00:06:18,115 --> 00:06:20,579
I told you that you were overreacting.
166
00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:22,314
- They go on and on.
- See?
167
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,150
You were worried about nothing.
168
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:26,519
Who knows,
maybe somewhere down the road,
169
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:29,121
- a John Stuart Mill musical.
- You're right.
170
00:06:29,190 --> 00:06:32,091
"Mill" is so much easier
to rhyme than "Hamilton."
171
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,392
Will. Kill. Chill.
172
00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:34,727
Look at this, I'm writing already!
173
00:06:34,795 --> 00:06:36,529
And we'll get your car all fixed up.
174
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,230
You know what?
I'm taking it in the shop today.
175
00:06:38,299 --> 00:06:39,465
And I'm springin' for a gas cap.
176
00:06:39,534 --> 00:06:41,901
Say goodbye,
wad of balledup paper towels.
177
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:46,372
Thank you, DragonLady853
and WifeStealaForeva.
178
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:47,506
Oh, my God!
179
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,008
You are not going to believe this...
180
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:50,943
Londyn told Summit who told Zola
181
00:06:51,012 --> 00:06:53,846
that Trip Windsor is going to
ask me to the winter dance.
182
00:06:53,915 --> 00:06:56,081
- Who?
- He's the gorgeous new guy at school.
183
00:06:56,150 --> 00:06:57,783
Nobody knows anything about him.
184
00:06:57,852 --> 00:06:58,984
He's totally mysterious.
185
00:06:59,053 --> 00:07:00,619
Perfect. Mysterious stranger...
186
00:07:00,688 --> 00:07:01,720
every mother's dream.
187
00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:03,088
What, were there no drifters
188
00:07:03,157 --> 00:07:04,657
who kept to themselves available?
189
00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:06,325
- Dad.
- He could be a great guy.
190
00:07:06,394 --> 00:07:08,093
Impossible! His name is Trip?
191
00:07:08,162 --> 00:07:09,828
The most slappable name in the world.
192
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,297
Now who's assuming the worst?
193
00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:13,332
Sometimes you need to take
the leap and see what happens.
194
00:07:13,401 --> 00:07:15,067
Like I did with my book, and...
195
00:07:15,136 --> 00:07:18,437
- I say go for it.
- Thanks, Dad.
196
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:20,739
You're not going to any dance
with a boy that we haven't met!
197
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:24,076
Katie, jump and the net will appear.
198
00:07:24,145 --> 00:07:28,414
Damn you, DragonLady853
and WifeStealaForeva!
199
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:33,619
Stay.
200
00:07:33,688 --> 00:07:34,620
Stay.
201
00:07:34,689 --> 00:07:35,988
Stay!
202
00:07:36,057 --> 00:07:37,986
Please, Hans Gruber!
203
00:07:38,033 --> 00:07:39,858
You have to hide!
204
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:41,994
You need to understand...
205
00:07:42,063 --> 00:07:44,530
you've lived a very sheltered life.
206
00:07:44,599 --> 00:07:48,100
But now people you've loved
and trusted want to eat you.
207
00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:50,836
Why did you have to be so delicious?
208
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,372
Okay...
209
00:07:53,441 --> 00:07:55,874
when I turn back around,
you better be gone.
210
00:07:57,245 --> 00:07:58,677
1...
211
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,179
2...
212
00:08:00,248 --> 00:08:02,581
3!
213
00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:03,882
Where was this obedience
214
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:06,352
when I told you
to stop pooping in my closet?
215
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:10,422
Hans Gruber...
216
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:13,259
you can't fall asleep without
your lavender night mask!
217
00:08:15,129 --> 00:08:16,528
Sounds like the reviews worked.
218
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:18,731
Two days later, and he's out
getting the car fixed.
219
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:20,799
Yeah, but I think you guys
might've gone too far.
220
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:23,102
There's a subtle shift in Greg
ever since he read them.
221
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,471
He encouraged Taylor
to hang out with Trip,
222
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:28,207
and he's been doing finger guns
quite a bit lately.
223
00:08:28,276 --> 00:08:29,241
Is that so bad?
224
00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:33,145
That's horrible! I am so sorry!
225
00:08:33,214 --> 00:08:35,214
But he'll snap back
when his book doesn't sell.
226
00:08:35,283 --> 00:08:37,483
But then you'll have
a depressed Greg on your hands.
227
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:39,184
That I know how to handle.
228
00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:41,387
I make him a meatloaf,
let him call me Martha,
229
00:08:41,455 --> 00:08:43,022
and we play a little game called
230
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:45,791
"General Washington comes home
from the war."
231
00:08:45,860 --> 00:08:47,259
Please don't tell me you have a costume.
232
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:50,095
You have a costume.
233
00:08:51,165 --> 00:08:53,299
Wow. He got the horn fixed.
234
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,301
That was fast.
235
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,006
That is not your car.
236
00:09:06,681 --> 00:09:10,082
Well, ladies, what do you think?
237
00:09:10,151 --> 00:09:12,418
You bought a brand-new car?
238
00:09:12,486 --> 00:09:14,553
I got a great deal.
The dealership gave me
239
00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:16,188
a month of satellite radio for free!
240
00:09:16,257 --> 00:09:17,589
We can't afford a new car.
241
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,191
We can't afford a new anything.
242
00:09:19,260 --> 00:09:22,015
The net has appeared.
243
00:09:22,616 --> 00:09:24,596
It's even worse when he does it.
244
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,268
Oh, my God, he holstered them.
245
00:09:31,134 --> 00:09:33,055
What is this?
246
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,274
You were supposed to get your car fixed.
247
00:09:35,337 --> 00:09:37,237
I was, until I pulled into
the shop at the dealership
248
00:09:37,306 --> 00:09:38,839
and I saw this baby in the window.
249
00:09:38,908 --> 00:09:40,784
Sometimes you just have to say,
250
00:09:40,815 --> 00:09:41,823
- "What the heck?"
- Mm.
251
00:09:41,862 --> 00:09:43,343
Then I stopped at Benihana for lunch.
252
00:09:43,368 --> 00:09:44,956
- It's not as fun when it's just you.
- Greg.
253
00:09:45,011 --> 00:09:46,344
This is a new car.
254
00:09:46,412 --> 00:09:48,246
We're not a new-car family.
255
00:09:48,314 --> 00:09:50,147
We're not a new-anything family.
256
00:09:50,216 --> 00:09:52,683
You know why our pillowcases
are so soft?
257
00:09:52,752 --> 00:09:55,253
I bought them
at the Petersons' yard sale.
258
00:09:55,321 --> 00:09:58,289
That's right, we sleep on
dead-people sheets.
259
00:09:58,358 --> 00:10:00,791
I knew you'd be a bit hesitant.
Let me show you what this baby's got.
260
00:10:01,828 --> 00:10:03,294
Front-wheel drive.
261
00:10:03,363 --> 00:10:04,729
Heated front seats.
262
00:10:04,797 --> 00:10:06,668
Intelligent clearance sonar.
263
00:10:06,730 --> 00:10:07,832
Ask me what that means?
264
00:10:07,901 --> 00:10:09,534
I don't know, but it's awesome!
265
00:10:09,602 --> 00:10:10,701
Does that have any features
266
00:10:10,770 --> 00:10:11,969
that let you
go back in time and return it?
267
00:10:12,038 --> 00:10:14,572
I know my cheap Greg
is in there somewhere.
268
00:10:14,641 --> 00:10:16,207
The one who waters down Palmolive
269
00:10:16,276 --> 00:10:17,942
so I can barely get my dishes clean.
270
00:10:18,011 --> 00:10:19,377
What are you talking about?
271
00:10:19,445 --> 00:10:21,812
This car needs to go back.
272
00:10:21,881 --> 00:10:23,247
Katie, we're fine.
273
00:10:23,316 --> 00:10:25,349
The reviews for my book are amazing.
274
00:10:25,418 --> 00:10:26,884
It'll be a hit... I'll get tenure.
275
00:10:26,953 --> 00:10:28,619
We deserve to be a new-car family.
276
00:10:28,688 --> 00:10:30,555
Your book only has two reviews.
277
00:10:30,623 --> 00:10:32,957
Two stellar reviews.
278
00:10:33,026 --> 00:10:34,158
Yeah.
279
00:10:34,227 --> 00:10:35,927
"This isn't a book... it's a revelation.
280
00:10:35,995 --> 00:10:38,462
This love letter to Mill
is a masterpiece
281
00:10:38,531 --> 00:10:40,331
our generation doesn't deserve."
282
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:41,399
That...
283
00:10:41,467 --> 00:10:42,733
is an excellent turn of phrase.
284
00:10:42,802 --> 00:10:44,001
There's another one.
285
00:10:44,070 --> 00:10:45,503
"This treatise has no equal.
286
00:10:45,572 --> 00:10:48,806
It is the sun and we are
fortunate to bask in its light.
287
00:10:48,875 --> 00:10:50,541
Greg Otto is a luminary."
288
00:10:50,610 --> 00:10:52,944
But reviews are not sales.
289
00:10:53,012 --> 00:10:54,545
A luminary, Katie.
290
00:10:59,185 --> 00:11:02,219
Whoa, Taylor's really
stepped up her game.
291
00:11:02,288 --> 00:11:03,554
Hey, guys.
292
00:11:03,623 --> 00:11:06,557
This is Trip... my non-drifter
date to the dance.
293
00:11:06,626 --> 00:11:08,526
Whoa!
294
00:11:08,595 --> 00:11:10,161
Sweet ride.
295
00:11:10,229 --> 00:11:12,897
Love this guy. See? Who was right?
296
00:11:12,966 --> 00:11:14,398
Is there anything I'm not nailin' today?
297
00:11:14,467 --> 00:11:15,833
Yeah, I can think of something.
298
00:11:15,902 --> 00:11:17,602
So, is that your car?
299
00:11:17,670 --> 00:11:20,581
Yeah. Yep. My parents promised to
buy the car if I got straight C's.
300
00:11:20,628 --> 00:11:22,206
- Ahh.
- Straight C's?
301
00:11:22,275 --> 00:11:24,542
- Yeah. And I finally got 'em.
- Mm.
302
00:11:24,581 --> 00:11:27,244
Well, one D, but it was just English,
303
00:11:27,313 --> 00:11:28,546
so my parents were cool.
304
00:11:28,615 --> 00:11:30,114
What kinda mileage
you get on that thing?
305
00:11:30,183 --> 00:11:31,349
Uhhh...
306
00:11:31,417 --> 00:11:32,650
If this is a test,
307
00:11:32,719 --> 00:11:34,285
I'm legally allowed to take it untimed.
308
00:11:36,055 --> 00:11:37,121
Whoa!
309
00:11:37,190 --> 00:11:39,423
This thing's got so many buttons.
310
00:11:39,492 --> 00:11:40,992
Yeah, it does. High five!
311
00:11:41,060 --> 00:11:42,159
Red sports-car club!
312
00:11:42,228 --> 00:11:43,394
Yeah.
313
00:11:43,463 --> 00:11:47,431
Great. Now I'm dealing with a
smart moron and a moron moron.
314
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:48,866
Hans Gruber?
315
00:11:49,531 --> 00:11:51,268
Where have you gone to?
316
00:11:51,337 --> 00:11:54,872
I've got your favorite food... trash.
317
00:11:58,444 --> 00:11:59,644
This is all your fault.
318
00:11:59,712 --> 00:12:01,345
- Our fault?
- Yes!
319
00:12:01,414 --> 00:12:03,080
Your reviews were too good.
320
00:12:03,149 --> 00:12:05,683
And now Greg is spending money
we don't have.
321
00:12:05,752 --> 00:12:07,351
Hey, don't hand Michelangelo
a paint brush
322
00:12:07,420 --> 00:12:09,387
and then complain
when you get the Sistine Chapel.
323
00:12:09,455 --> 00:12:11,455
I got them to throw in
a free month of satellite radio,
324
00:12:11,524 --> 00:12:13,491
and this month has 31 days, so...
325
00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:14,492
Legend!
326
00:12:15,695 --> 00:12:17,895
I've got to tell Greg the truth.
327
00:12:17,964 --> 00:12:19,363
That you had us make up reviews
328
00:12:19,432 --> 00:12:21,532
so he could feel good and
you could get your car fixed?
329
00:12:21,601 --> 00:12:23,167
God, that's the truth?
330
00:12:23,236 --> 00:12:24,902
The truth sounds awful.
331
00:12:24,971 --> 00:12:27,872
Greg, can I have a word with you?
332
00:12:27,940 --> 00:12:30,274
Kind of in the middle of
a red-sports-car club meeting.
333
00:12:30,343 --> 00:12:31,475
Come on, Trip, let's go.
334
00:12:31,544 --> 00:12:32,777
Whenever my mom says that,
335
00:12:32,845 --> 00:12:34,979
it's never one word,
and it's never good.
336
00:12:35,048 --> 00:12:36,313
Meeting adjourned.
337
00:12:36,382 --> 00:12:38,683
Love it.
338
00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:42,420
About the reviews you got...
339
00:12:42,488 --> 00:12:44,255
- Yeah, I still can't believe them.
- Good.
340
00:12:44,323 --> 00:12:45,756
That is a good zone to be in,
341
00:12:45,825 --> 00:12:47,291
but the thing is...
342
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,527
Whoa! It's my publisher.
Talk to me, Vance.
343
00:12:49,595 --> 00:12:51,295
Thank God. I'm off the hook.
344
00:12:51,364 --> 00:12:53,264
His publisher will tell him
the book bombed,
345
00:12:53,332 --> 00:12:54,765
and I'll be here to cheer him up
346
00:12:54,834 --> 00:12:57,050
dressed as a panty-less
Martha Washington.
347
00:12:57,113 --> 00:12:58,800
Then we can return the car
and go back to normal.
348
00:12:59,872 --> 00:13:03,174
Oh, Greg, I'm sorry.
349
00:13:03,242 --> 00:13:06,010
The book sold out. All 10,000 copies.
350
00:13:06,079 --> 00:13:07,011
It's a hit!
351
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,346
Yeah, I'd be speechless, too,
352
00:13:09,415 --> 00:13:12,049
if I found myself married to a luminary.
353
00:13:12,118 --> 00:13:13,818
Sorry, "moist."
354
00:13:13,886 --> 00:13:16,620
"Luminary" just became
my new least-favorite word.
355
00:13:19,625 --> 00:13:21,492
A best-seller and a new car?
356
00:13:21,561 --> 00:13:23,160
Sounds like your dad's on a roll.
357
00:13:23,229 --> 00:13:26,097
I won't be offended if you want
to write that report on him.
358
00:13:26,165 --> 00:13:28,232
Why would I write about him
when I can write about you?
359
00:13:28,301 --> 00:13:29,567
Your life's amazing.
360
00:13:29,635 --> 00:13:30,750
You were the one
361
00:13:30,796 --> 00:13:32,837
who turned Michael Jackson on
to chimpanzees.
362
00:13:32,905 --> 00:13:35,473
Anyone can write about me.
Hell, plenty of people have.
363
00:13:35,541 --> 00:13:37,875
But no one has yet broken
the story of Greg Otto.
364
00:13:37,944 --> 00:13:39,076
I guess.
365
00:13:39,145 --> 00:13:41,045
But my dad's never even been to prison.
366
00:13:41,114 --> 00:13:42,279
And I don't want you to keep
367
00:13:42,348 --> 00:13:43,748
building up federal prison in your head.
368
00:13:43,816 --> 00:13:44,915
I mean, it's great,
369
00:13:44,984 --> 00:13:47,051
but to put it in terms
you'd understand...
370
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:52,123
Oahu, Lanai, Maui, prison, Kauai.
371
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:58,395
It's true. It's sold out.
372
00:13:58,464 --> 00:13:59,363
I know.
373
00:13:59,432 --> 00:14:00,397
Greg is so happy.
374
00:14:00,466 --> 00:14:01,699
It's like that time he thought
375
00:14:01,768 --> 00:14:03,601
he saw Bill Nye at the farmers market.
376
00:14:03,669 --> 00:14:05,102
Hello.
377
00:14:05,171 --> 00:14:07,104
Hmm...
378
00:14:07,173 --> 00:14:10,007
Do we have any tapenade?
379
00:14:10,076 --> 00:14:13,310
I don't think so because
I don't know what that is.
380
00:14:13,379 --> 00:14:14,445
Well, we're gonna need to get some
381
00:14:14,514 --> 00:14:16,013
because now that
I'm a celebrated author,
382
00:14:16,082 --> 00:14:17,982
I'm gonna start hosting a weekly salon
383
00:14:18,050 --> 00:14:19,717
here at the house.
384
00:14:19,786 --> 00:14:21,886
Why would we get haircuts in our house?
385
00:14:21,954 --> 00:14:23,821
Oh, Katie. No.
386
00:14:23,890 --> 00:14:27,625
A salon is a gathering of minds
to explore intellectual topics.
387
00:14:28,728 --> 00:14:31,295
I'm not loving what's going on here.
388
00:14:31,364 --> 00:14:33,230
You ladies are welcome
to come to the salon,
389
00:14:33,299 --> 00:14:34,465
as observers, of course.
390
00:14:34,534 --> 00:14:37,368
You can observe me
giving you one of these.
391
00:14:37,436 --> 00:14:38,769
Okay.
392
00:14:38,838 --> 00:14:40,304
I know you're not happy
with where you are in life,
393
00:14:40,373 --> 00:14:42,640
but someday, girls, like me,
394
00:14:42,708 --> 00:14:44,408
your ship will come in.
395
00:14:44,477 --> 00:14:47,578
Uh, I only have my kids
every other weekend.
396
00:14:47,647 --> 00:14:49,713
My ship has come in, baby.
397
00:14:52,985 --> 00:14:55,786
You know, sometimes I think
your Second Breakfast rants
398
00:14:55,855 --> 00:14:58,489
are just you complaining,
but this [Bleep] is real.
399
00:15:01,060 --> 00:15:03,027
See you at school.
400
00:15:06,399 --> 00:15:09,066
Hey, Kate, can you tell Greg
that I had to scoot?
401
00:15:12,271 --> 00:15:14,238
Mrs. Otto will tell Mr. Otto
402
00:15:14,307 --> 00:15:16,807
that Taylor's new friend had to leave.
403
00:15:16,876 --> 00:15:18,209
Yeah, you can tell him, too.
404
00:15:18,277 --> 00:15:20,211
- Whatever.
- Trip...
405
00:15:20,279 --> 00:15:22,680
I don't think
you and Taylor should date.
406
00:15:22,748 --> 00:15:25,216
Totally! We're on the same page.
407
00:15:25,284 --> 00:15:26,317
Keeping it caj.
408
00:15:26,385 --> 00:15:28,485
Just a fun, physical thing, you know?
409
00:15:28,554 --> 00:15:30,187
Lates, Kate.
410
00:15:31,424 --> 00:15:33,424
Easy on the eyes. Tough on the brain.
411
00:15:33,492 --> 00:15:34,692
Bright side...
412
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,827
Taylor gets to be the smart one
in the relationship.
413
00:15:36,896 --> 00:15:39,630
Greg and Taylor are stressing me out!
414
00:15:39,699 --> 00:15:41,098
I'm going to go sit in the new Camry
415
00:15:41,167 --> 00:15:42,800
and enjoy
that there are no sticky pennies
416
00:15:42,869 --> 00:15:44,902
stuck in the cup holders.
417
00:15:53,779 --> 00:15:55,145
Hans Gruber!
418
00:15:57,650 --> 00:16:01,919
Ohh, hey, bacon legs, get back here!
419
00:16:04,323 --> 00:16:07,458
Ohh!
420
00:16:16,269 --> 00:16:18,102
I don't know what the pig told you,
421
00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:19,203
but they're not mine.
422
00:16:23,988 --> 00:16:26,422
How many of Greg's books did you buy?
423
00:16:26,491 --> 00:16:27,590
All of them.
424
00:16:27,659 --> 00:16:28,758
Why?
425
00:16:28,827 --> 00:16:30,293
Well, Oliver was interviewing me
426
00:16:30,362 --> 00:16:32,362
for a report on
someone successful in his life,
427
00:16:32,430 --> 00:16:34,964
and I thought he should do it
on his dad instead of me.
428
00:16:35,033 --> 00:16:37,166
So you bought the books
to make Greg look good.
429
00:16:37,235 --> 00:16:38,801
Well, a boy should be
proud of his father.
430
00:16:38,870 --> 00:16:40,803
I wasn't, and I regret it.
431
00:16:40,872 --> 00:16:43,172
That's very sweet of you, Spencer.
432
00:16:43,241 --> 00:16:44,807
But 10,000 copies?
433
00:16:44,876 --> 00:16:47,510
I only meant to buy a few dozen,
but when I did...
434
00:16:47,579 --> 00:16:50,012
Have you seen this amazon.com thing?
435
00:16:50,081 --> 00:16:51,314
Of course!
436
00:16:51,383 --> 00:16:53,116
You haven't lived
until you get a snow shovel
437
00:16:53,184 --> 00:16:55,118
and baby carrots in the same package.
438
00:16:55,186 --> 00:16:56,486
I'm banned from trading stocks,
439
00:16:56,554 --> 00:16:57,954
so when I started buying Greg's book
440
00:16:58,022 --> 00:17:00,089
and I saw it climb up the sales ranking,
441
00:17:00,158 --> 00:17:02,024
it gave me a rush like the old days.
442
00:17:02,093 --> 00:17:03,793
And before I knew it, I bought them all.
443
00:17:03,862 --> 00:17:05,962
Come on, Hans Gruber.
444
00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:08,798
Let's go home and bring
our luminary back down to Earth.
445
00:17:08,867 --> 00:17:11,734
What are you going to do
with all these books?
446
00:17:11,803 --> 00:17:14,537
Disappoint trick-or-treaters
for the next 10 or so years.
447
00:17:17,409 --> 00:17:19,942
Greg, I need to talk to you
about something.
448
00:17:20,011 --> 00:17:21,511
Hans Gruber, you're safe,
449
00:17:21,579 --> 00:17:23,079
and you don't have to hide anymore!
450
00:17:23,148 --> 00:17:24,480
My dad's book is a success,
451
00:17:24,549 --> 00:17:26,349
so we can afford not to eat you!
452
00:17:26,418 --> 00:17:27,817
Well, Hans, don't get too comfortable.
453
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,386
Greg, I need to tell you s...
454
00:17:30,455 --> 00:17:32,021
"Until this report, I never knew
455
00:17:32,090 --> 00:17:34,590
that my dad wrote his book at night
after we all went to sleep.
456
00:17:34,659 --> 00:17:36,626
Sometimes he worked
until 4:00 in the morning
457
00:17:36,694 --> 00:17:38,161
because he put his family first.
458
00:17:38,229 --> 00:17:40,329
He didn't sacrifice us for his dream.
459
00:17:40,398 --> 00:17:43,232
And still, his dream came true.
460
00:17:43,301 --> 00:17:44,901
Sometimes being a good man
461
00:17:44,969 --> 00:17:46,903
makes you a great man.
462
00:17:46,971 --> 00:17:49,305
I couldn't be more proud to be his son."
463
00:17:50,341 --> 00:17:52,742
That's the best review I've ever gotten.
464
00:17:56,548 --> 00:17:58,815
I'm gonna put a cover on this
465
00:17:58,883 --> 00:18:01,117
- and go watch "Game of Thrones."
- No, you're not.
466
00:18:01,186 --> 00:18:02,251
All my friends are allowed to.
467
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:03,386
No, they're not.
468
00:18:06,257 --> 00:18:07,190
Mm.
469
00:18:07,258 --> 00:18:08,524
I'm proud of you, too.
470
00:18:08,593 --> 00:18:09,525
Thanks, honey.
471
00:18:09,594 --> 00:18:10,860
What did you want to talk about?
472
00:18:10,929 --> 00:18:12,595
Just, um...
473
00:18:12,664 --> 00:18:16,399
What should we serve at your salon?
474
00:18:16,468 --> 00:18:18,134
Hmm...
475
00:18:18,203 --> 00:18:20,403
pistachios.
476
00:18:20,472 --> 00:18:21,904
Pistachios?
477
00:18:21,973 --> 00:18:25,308
Oh, God, I so want to tell him
about the books!
478
00:18:27,178 --> 00:18:29,679
Hey, Mom. Trip's gonna pick me up.
479
00:18:29,747 --> 00:18:31,714
- We're gonna go see a movie.
- Taylor.
480
00:18:31,783 --> 00:18:32,748
Sit down.
481
00:18:32,817 --> 00:18:34,116
Here it comes.
482
00:18:34,185 --> 00:18:35,485
Here what comes?
483
00:18:35,553 --> 00:18:37,019
You don't like him.
You don't want me seeing him.
484
00:18:37,088 --> 00:18:38,154
You think I'm too good for him.
485
00:18:38,223 --> 00:18:39,255
That's the gist of it,
486
00:18:39,324 --> 00:18:40,423
but I would have said it snarkier.
487
00:18:40,492 --> 00:18:42,792
- I still want to date him.
- Why?
488
00:18:42,861 --> 00:18:45,027
Because he's nice. And he's cute.
489
00:18:45,096 --> 00:18:47,263
And you always talk about
all the dumb guys
490
00:18:47,332 --> 00:18:48,464
you dated before Dad.
491
00:18:48,533 --> 00:18:50,466
Maybe the reason
you fell in love with him
492
00:18:50,535 --> 00:18:53,102
is because you got all those
dumb guys out of your system.
493
00:18:53,171 --> 00:18:54,303
No.
494
00:18:54,372 --> 00:18:56,839
Don't you make me see things
in a new light.
495
00:18:56,908 --> 00:18:58,774
I promise I won't be home late.
496
00:18:58,843 --> 00:19:00,610
All right.
497
00:19:00,678 --> 00:19:02,712
Go to the movies.
498
00:19:02,780 --> 00:19:04,213
Just nothing 3-D.
499
00:19:04,282 --> 00:19:06,482
You don't want him doing this
the whole time.
500
00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:16,192
I was thinking Wednesday for your salon.
501
00:19:16,261 --> 00:19:18,060
I'll have the tapenade ready.
502
00:19:18,129 --> 00:19:19,428
I looked it up online.
503
00:19:19,497 --> 00:19:22,698
Turns out it's just a fancy word
for mushed-up olives.
504
00:19:22,767 --> 00:19:24,100
I know that Spencer bought all my books.
505
00:19:24,168 --> 00:19:26,636
And I know you know.
506
00:19:26,704 --> 00:19:28,571
I wanted to do a book tour.
507
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,239
So my publisher tracked my sales
508
00:19:30,308 --> 00:19:32,041
to see which cities I should visit.
509
00:19:32,110 --> 00:19:34,810
Turns out all my books sold
in just one town...
510
00:19:34,879 --> 00:19:38,581
just this town... just one address.
511
00:19:38,650 --> 00:19:40,683
Spencer's.
512
00:19:40,752 --> 00:19:43,286
He just assumed I was there because
you'd already told me everything.
513
00:19:43,354 --> 00:19:45,588
He gave me a signed copy of my own book.
514
00:19:45,657 --> 00:19:47,390
I don't know why he signed it.
515
00:19:47,458 --> 00:19:49,091
So, thanks.
516
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,293
For what?
517
00:19:51,329 --> 00:19:53,963
For knowing the truth
but letting me have the win,
518
00:19:54,032 --> 00:19:56,399
even though I was acting
like a pompous jerk.
519
00:19:56,467 --> 00:19:58,668
You weren't pompous, honey.
520
00:19:58,736 --> 00:20:01,337
You were just a luminary
planning a salon.
521
00:20:01,406 --> 00:20:02,438
Oh, God.
522
00:20:03,608 --> 00:20:05,107
I guess I let success get to my head.
523
00:20:05,176 --> 00:20:06,943
Well, that won't be a problem now.
524
00:20:07,011 --> 00:20:09,045
- Only one person bought my book.
- Hey!
525
00:20:09,113 --> 00:20:10,813
Who knows how many books
you might have sold
526
00:20:10,882 --> 00:20:12,548
if Spencer hadn't bought them all?
527
00:20:12,617 --> 00:20:13,816
Yeah, I guess.
528
00:20:13,885 --> 00:20:16,986
Plus, as far as
the tenure committee knows,
529
00:20:17,055 --> 00:20:18,454
you sold 10,000 books!
530
00:20:18,523 --> 00:20:20,056
Don't do that thing
531
00:20:20,124 --> 00:20:22,558
where you tell people the truth
when you don't have to.
532
00:20:22,627 --> 00:20:24,493
You don't bring the empty candy wrappers
533
00:20:24,562 --> 00:20:25,828
to the cash register.
534
00:20:25,897 --> 00:20:27,863
You tuck them behind some produce.
535
00:20:27,932 --> 00:20:30,032
Katie, ethically,
I feel I have to tell them...
536
00:20:30,101 --> 00:20:31,867
That's the only way
we get to keep the car.
537
00:20:31,936 --> 00:20:33,869
...that my book sold out on the first day.
538
00:20:38,692 --> 00:20:41,157
You wouldn't believe
the day I had, honey.
539
00:20:41,227 --> 00:20:43,265
But it was worth it. We won.
540
00:20:43,333 --> 00:20:45,682
So the British surrendered?
541
00:20:45,721 --> 00:20:46,893
Yes, verily.
542
00:20:46,948 --> 00:20:48,203
We surprised them at Yorktown
543
00:20:48,272 --> 00:20:49,538
and battled them back to the ocean.
544
00:20:49,606 --> 00:20:51,273
That's wonderful, George.
545
00:20:51,341 --> 00:20:54,509
Now eat some meat loaf
and then we'll retire upstairs.
546
00:20:55,979 --> 00:20:57,512
Eat fast. The kids' movie ends at 9:00.
547
00:20:57,581 --> 00:20:58,513
Mmm!
548
00:20:58,582 --> 00:20:59,648
Yeah.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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