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1
00:00:05,617 --> 00:00:08,318
Ooh! Looks like Santa forgot one.
2
00:00:08,386 --> 00:00:10,286
Presents!
3
00:00:12,224 --> 00:00:15,225
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
4
00:00:15,293 --> 00:00:17,026
You look handsome in your new outfit.
5
00:00:17,095 --> 00:00:19,095
Really? 'Cause I risked it this
year and went full mannequin.
6
00:00:19,164 --> 00:00:21,498
Whatever the mannequin
was wearing, I bought.
7
00:00:21,566 --> 00:00:23,833
Everybody freeze! You know the drill.
8
00:00:23,902 --> 00:00:26,703
First we build a fire,
then we have a big breakfast,
9
00:00:26,771 --> 00:00:29,105
then Dad gives his "True Meaning
of Christmas" speech, then...
10
00:00:29,174 --> 00:00:30,607
Oliver cuts me off and says...
11
00:00:30,675 --> 00:00:32,709
- Can we just get to the presents?
- And then you say...
12
00:00:32,777 --> 00:00:34,177
Don't make me hit you on Christmas.
13
00:00:34,246 --> 00:00:36,579
And then I finish the speech,
and we all open presents.
14
00:00:36,648 --> 00:00:39,048
And that's our family tradition.
15
00:00:39,117 --> 00:00:41,482
All we need is Dad's seasonal
hypochondria to kick in.
16
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,786
Ha, ha. It's not hypochondria if it's real.
17
00:00:43,855 --> 00:00:45,455
My hands are definitely tingling.
18
00:00:45,524 --> 00:00:46,656
It feels like carpal tunnel
19
00:00:46,725 --> 00:00:48,024
from wrapping all those presents
last night.
20
00:00:48,093 --> 00:00:50,193
Or maybe it's arthritis.
My nanna had hands like this.
21
00:00:50,262 --> 00:00:53,263
It's not arthritis. Taylor's right.
22
00:00:53,331 --> 00:00:55,632
Your hypochondria flares up
every Christmas
23
00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:57,634
because you know all
the doctors' offices are closed.
24
00:00:57,702 --> 00:00:59,235
There's always Dr. Weber
down the street.
25
00:00:59,304 --> 00:01:00,436
He retired and moved to Oregon.
26
00:01:00,505 --> 00:01:01,971
He just euthanizes people now.
27
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,107
Let's just get through
these stupid traditions...
28
00:01:05,677 --> 00:01:07,862
...that are so meaningful.
29
00:01:18,890 --> 00:01:20,490
The crackle of the fireplace,
30
00:01:20,559 --> 00:01:22,125
the smell of apples and cinnamon,
31
00:01:22,194 --> 00:01:25,428
snow on the windowsill are all
what make Christmas special.
32
00:01:25,497 --> 00:01:26,863
- But...
- But the people in this room...
33
00:01:26,932 --> 00:01:28,398
that's what makes Christmas
the most special of all.
34
00:01:28,466 --> 00:01:29,566
Presents!
35
00:01:31,102 --> 00:01:33,703
I hope Santa brought me
volume two of "The Big Finish:
36
00:01:33,772 --> 00:01:36,306
Rich, Famous, and How They Died."
37
00:01:36,374 --> 00:01:38,241
I practically memorized volume one.
38
00:01:38,310 --> 00:01:39,576
Attila the Hun got drunk
39
00:01:39,644 --> 00:01:41,744
and died of a nosebleed
on his wedding night.
40
00:01:41,813 --> 00:01:44,347
He drowned in his own blood.
41
00:01:44,416 --> 00:01:46,216
Attila...
42
00:01:46,284 --> 00:01:47,717
Where are my ballet tickets?
43
00:01:47,786 --> 00:01:51,154
Envelope or are they just trying
to trick me with the big box?
44
00:01:51,223 --> 00:01:52,989
I hope love is in one of these packages,
45
00:01:53,058 --> 00:01:55,525
because I don't have any
since Eyo and I broke up.
46
00:01:55,594 --> 00:01:57,360
I hope a muzzle is in one
of those packages.
47
00:02:01,199 --> 00:02:02,632
What's making that noise?
48
00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:04,701
It sounds familiar.
49
00:02:04,769 --> 00:02:05,902
It's the landline!
50
00:02:05,971 --> 00:02:07,203
No one calls the landline unless...
51
00:02:07,272 --> 00:02:08,504
Somebody's dead.
52
00:02:08,573 --> 00:02:10,139
Or it's that computer
that tries to trick you
53
00:02:10,208 --> 00:02:11,441
into thinking it's a real person.
54
00:02:11,509 --> 00:02:12,575
"Hi, this is Amy.
55
00:02:12,644 --> 00:02:14,143
Give me a moment to adjust my headset."
56
00:02:14,212 --> 00:02:15,445
She gets me every time.
57
00:02:15,513 --> 00:02:16,913
Nobody move!
58
00:02:16,982 --> 00:02:19,949
The tradition is,
we open presents together.
59
00:02:21,386 --> 00:02:22,585
Hello?
60
00:02:22,654 --> 00:02:24,721
Drugs! Give me drugs, you hack!
61
00:02:24,789 --> 00:02:26,256
- Doris?
- Oh, finally.
62
00:02:26,324 --> 00:02:27,357
Katie, where are you?!
63
00:02:27,425 --> 00:02:29,125
I've been texting you like crazy!
64
00:02:29,194 --> 00:02:30,560
I didn't get any...
65
00:02:30,629 --> 00:02:32,195
Oh.
66
00:02:32,264 --> 00:02:34,330
I'm in labor, and I'm all alone!
67
00:02:34,399 --> 00:02:35,632
Where's your family?
68
00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:37,600
Aspen. I wasn't due
for another two weeks,
69
00:02:37,669 --> 00:02:40,003
so I sent everybody out of town
because I'm huge,
70
00:02:40,071 --> 00:02:42,705
and my body's producing a gas
that made our dog run away.
71
00:02:42,774 --> 00:02:43,906
Okay, well, what do you want me to do?
72
00:02:43,975 --> 00:02:45,408
Get your butt over here.
73
00:02:45,477 --> 00:02:47,844
I'm not giving birth alone
like some teenage crack whore.
74
00:02:47,912 --> 00:02:49,386
I'll be right there.
We just need to open...
75
00:02:49,448 --> 00:02:52,148
- Now!
- Okay, I'm coming.
76
00:02:52,217 --> 00:02:54,484
Doris is having a baby.
77
00:02:54,552 --> 00:02:58,154
Nobody touches anything.
Christmas is on hold.
78
00:02:59,524 --> 00:03:00,690
Don't worry. It's her fourth.
79
00:03:00,759 --> 00:03:02,992
Hopefully, it'll slide right out.
80
00:03:03,061 --> 00:03:05,928
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
81
00:03:08,153 --> 00:03:11,020
Mom, you can't go anywhere.
We have to open our presents.
82
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,824
No! Not until I get back.
83
00:03:12,895 --> 00:03:14,361
This is madness!
84
00:03:14,430 --> 00:03:15,395
Do my hands look blue to you?
85
00:03:15,464 --> 00:03:16,563
You're perfectly fine.
86
00:03:16,632 --> 00:03:18,532
And under no circumstances
are you to try
87
00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:19,700
to diagnose yourself online.
88
00:03:19,768 --> 00:03:20,701
You know what happens.
89
00:03:22,705 --> 00:03:24,504
Do my eyes look yellow to you?
90
00:03:24,573 --> 00:03:26,073
I feel like my liver isn't working.
91
00:03:27,476 --> 00:03:30,177
My poop is floating.
92
00:03:30,245 --> 00:03:31,678
I'm pretty sure my pancreas
is shutting down.
93
00:03:31,747 --> 00:03:33,080
Take a look.
94
00:03:34,583 --> 00:03:35,816
I smell burnt toast,
95
00:03:35,884 --> 00:03:36,783
so I think I'm having a stroke.
96
00:03:36,852 --> 00:03:38,085
That's regular toast.
97
00:03:38,153 --> 00:03:39,653
I'm smelling stroke toast.
98
00:03:41,390 --> 00:03:42,522
I hear you,
99
00:03:42,591 --> 00:03:44,558
but let me Google my symptoms just once.
I'll even take Bing.
100
00:03:44,627 --> 00:03:45,963
Let me Bing my symptoms.
101
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:47,661
No Internet.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
102
00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:48,795
And no matter what,
103
00:03:48,864 --> 00:03:50,631
do not let them open their presents.
104
00:04:00,876 --> 00:04:03,176
I can't believe you have to lock
our presents up in your office
105
00:04:03,245 --> 00:04:04,778
because you don't trust us.
106
00:04:04,847 --> 00:04:06,013
Is that where we're at, Dad?
107
00:04:11,153 --> 00:04:12,386
That's where I'm at.
108
00:04:12,454 --> 00:04:13,754
I just want to make sure
that's where you were at, too.
109
00:04:13,822 --> 00:04:16,723
Out. Out. Out!
110
00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:20,527
No presents. No boyfriend.
111
00:04:21,730 --> 00:04:24,031
Being single on the holidays is so hard.
112
00:04:24,099 --> 00:04:25,932
Some problems Santa can't even fix.
113
00:04:26,001 --> 00:04:29,069
Reel it in, Adele.
I've got my own stuff.
114
00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:30,570
I need to know if I got those tickets
115
00:04:30,647 --> 00:04:32,503
- to "The Nutcracker."
- Why?
116
00:04:32,542 --> 00:04:34,975
So you can take that girl
from your ballet class?
117
00:04:35,044 --> 00:04:36,076
Yes.
118
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:37,978
Ooh, you like her?
119
00:04:38,047 --> 00:04:40,414
- I think I do.
- Knock it off.
120
00:04:40,483 --> 00:04:42,116
How am I supposed to tease you
when you're acting this way?
121
00:04:43,352 --> 00:04:44,385
Have you asked her yet?
122
00:04:47,723 --> 00:04:48,789
So, I was wondering...
123
00:04:48,858 --> 00:04:49,957
What?
124
00:04:53,896 --> 00:04:55,129
I've got no game.
125
00:04:55,198 --> 00:04:56,564
It's just so frustrating
126
00:04:56,632 --> 00:04:57,932
because I'm agile,
127
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,768
I'm smart, the face is working.
128
00:05:00,837 --> 00:05:01,836
Let me help you.
129
00:05:01,904 --> 00:05:03,270
Why would you do that?
130
00:05:03,339 --> 00:05:05,039
Because I have no love this Christmas,
131
00:05:05,107 --> 00:05:07,174
but maybe with my guidance, you can.
132
00:05:07,243 --> 00:05:09,109
Pretend I'm Gina. Ask me out.
133
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:11,879
Go sell "Flowers in the Attic"
someplace else.
134
00:05:11,948 --> 00:05:13,547
I'm just gonna tape the ticket
to her door
135
00:05:13,616 --> 00:05:15,216
and hope she shows up
to the performance.
136
00:05:15,284 --> 00:05:16,450
But first, I need the tickets.
137
00:05:16,519 --> 00:05:17,751
I have an idea.
138
00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:19,787
We take a cobra, put it under the door,
139
00:05:19,856 --> 00:05:23,090
Dad comes running out,
we go in and get the presents.
140
00:05:23,159 --> 00:05:24,425
Where are you gonna get a cobra?
141
00:05:24,494 --> 00:05:26,660
I asked Santa for one, and...
142
00:05:26,729 --> 00:05:28,362
Wait a second.
143
00:05:28,431 --> 00:05:29,964
That's not gonna work.
144
00:05:30,032 --> 00:05:32,666
The cobra's in one of the
presents in Dad's office.
145
00:05:32,735 --> 00:05:34,101
I feel stupid.
146
00:05:44,447 --> 00:05:45,613
This...
147
00:05:45,681 --> 00:05:46,981
is a hospital room?
148
00:05:47,049 --> 00:05:48,182
The deluxe suite.
149
00:05:48,251 --> 00:05:50,150
News flash... rich people live better.
150
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:51,852
Doris, my family's waiting on me.
151
00:05:51,921 --> 00:05:53,254
When are Richard and the kids
getting here?
152
00:05:53,322 --> 00:05:54,822
Ugh. Their flight's delayed.
153
00:05:54,891 --> 00:05:56,624
Angela's texting with him for updates.
154
00:05:56,692 --> 00:05:58,459
Hi, Katie.
155
00:05:58,528 --> 00:06:00,227
Angela?
156
00:06:00,296 --> 00:06:02,329
Hi! How's Vermont?
157
00:06:02,398 --> 00:06:03,731
Well, it really would be great
158
00:06:03,799 --> 00:06:05,366
if I wasn't spending it with my ex
159
00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:07,568
and her parents
who were already mad at me
160
00:06:07,637 --> 00:06:08,903
for "turning her gay."
161
00:06:08,971 --> 00:06:10,204
When I met her,
162
00:06:10,273 --> 00:06:11,906
she owned a pit bull named
Tracy Chapman...
163
00:06:11,974 --> 00:06:13,941
The seeds were planted.
I just watered them.
164
00:06:14,010 --> 00:06:16,343
Well, at least this Christmas
is gonna be exciting
165
00:06:16,412 --> 00:06:18,579
because Doris is having a baby.
166
00:06:18,648 --> 00:06:21,348
No, I am not. No Christmas baby.
167
00:06:21,417 --> 00:06:23,250
Christmas is my favorite day
out of the year,
168
00:06:23,319 --> 00:06:25,185
and I'm not gonna let this thing
spoil it.
169
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:27,655
I ruin my kids' lives.
They don't ruin mine!
170
00:06:28,925 --> 00:06:30,925
I'm keeping this thing in
until midnight.
171
00:06:30,993 --> 00:06:32,860
Uh, if it's not healthy
to hold in your pee,
172
00:06:32,929 --> 00:06:34,728
I can't imagine it's healthy
to hold in a baby.
173
00:06:40,303 --> 00:06:43,571
Hey, honey.
I'm gonna be here for a while.
174
00:06:43,639 --> 00:06:45,472
No, no. You need to come home right now.
175
00:06:45,541 --> 00:06:46,807
The kids are driving me crazy.
176
00:06:46,876 --> 00:06:50,210
I can't come home yet.
Doris' family is delayed.
177
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:51,579
What's that noise?
178
00:06:51,647 --> 00:06:53,013
Our children demanding their presents.
179
00:06:53,082 --> 00:06:55,716
Dad! Anna-Kat fell down,
and she's bleeding!
180
00:06:55,785 --> 00:06:57,484
You need to come out here now!
181
00:07:00,256 --> 00:07:02,222
Slide something under the door
with her blood on it.
182
00:07:04,126 --> 00:07:06,427
Open the damn door, Greg!
183
00:07:06,495 --> 00:07:08,295
I'm seeing a very upsetting side
of our children.
184
00:07:08,364 --> 00:07:09,964
- I'm gonna let them open the presents.
- No way.
185
00:07:10,032 --> 00:07:13,000
The family tradition is that
we open presents together...
186
00:07:13,069 --> 00:07:15,836
breakfast, fireplace, speech, presents.
187
00:07:15,905 --> 00:07:17,938
That's really your tradition
that you grew up with.
188
00:07:18,007 --> 00:07:20,107
Maybe our new tradition
should be more "casual fun"
189
00:07:20,176 --> 00:07:21,675
and less "desperate hostage situation."
190
00:07:21,744 --> 00:07:23,744
No. A desperate hostage situation
191
00:07:23,813 --> 00:07:25,312
is what Christmas is all about.
192
00:07:25,381 --> 00:07:27,948
Why do you think "Die Hard"
is a stone-cold classic?
193
00:07:28,017 --> 00:07:30,484
Well, what am I supposed to do if we can't
open our gifts until we're all together?
194
00:07:30,553 --> 00:07:32,553
Figure it out!
195
00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,096
Oh, look at all those presents.
196
00:07:42,164 --> 00:07:43,530
The pediatric ward is this way.
197
00:07:43,599 --> 00:07:45,733
Oh. No.
198
00:07:45,801 --> 00:07:47,101
These are for us.
199
00:07:48,504 --> 00:07:49,937
Let's go.
200
00:08:01,450 --> 00:08:03,384
Doris, if poor people found out
201
00:08:03,452 --> 00:08:04,752
that this is how the 1% give birth,
202
00:08:04,820 --> 00:08:06,987
they would drown you
in your own cucumber water.
203
00:08:07,056 --> 00:08:08,155
You may be right,
204
00:08:08,224 --> 00:08:09,823
but one of the benefits
of being in the 1%
205
00:08:09,892 --> 00:08:11,692
is we don't care.
206
00:08:12,995 --> 00:08:15,129
- Whoa.
- Hi, Mama.
207
00:08:15,197 --> 00:08:16,697
What are you guys doing here?
208
00:08:16,766 --> 00:08:19,066
You told me to figure it out,
so here we are,
209
00:08:19,135 --> 00:08:21,669
all together,
Christmas tradition intact.
210
00:08:21,737 --> 00:08:22,836
Greg, this is not the tradition.
211
00:08:22,905 --> 00:08:24,672
The tradition is, we open our presents
212
00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:26,040
in front of the fireplace.
213
00:08:26,108 --> 00:08:27,274
There's a fireplace.
214
00:08:27,343 --> 00:08:28,776
What? Where?
215
00:08:28,844 --> 00:08:31,578
In the parlor. Taylor.
216
00:08:32,848 --> 00:08:34,415
Whoa.
217
00:08:39,555 --> 00:08:41,922
I like the way ya live, lady.
218
00:08:47,686 --> 00:08:49,435
Okay. It's Christmas.
219
00:08:49,483 --> 00:08:50,533
And we're all together.
220
00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,229
And there's a fireplace.
221
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:54,131
Check, check, check.
222
00:08:54,199 --> 00:08:55,232
But we don't have breakfast.
223
00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:58,135
You can just order room service.
224
00:08:58,203 --> 00:09:00,604
We're not having hospital food
for Christmas breakfast.
225
00:09:00,673 --> 00:09:03,106
A nice breakfast...
that's our tradition.
226
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:04,841
Nurse, what are the specials?
227
00:09:04,910 --> 00:09:07,244
Today, we have caviar on homemade blinis
228
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:08,512
with a dollop of crème fraîche
229
00:09:08,580 --> 00:09:10,947
or poached wild salmon with hollandaise
230
00:09:11,016 --> 00:09:12,582
and ricotta avocado crostini cups.
231
00:09:12,651 --> 00:09:15,252
Enough. Who wants to eat that slop?
232
00:09:15,321 --> 00:09:18,188
All right, Mom.
Now you're just making excuses.
233
00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:20,691
This is the nicest Christmas
we've ever had.
234
00:09:20,759 --> 00:09:22,192
It's a nicer room.
235
00:09:22,261 --> 00:09:23,994
It's better food.
236
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,128
We have our own waitress.
237
00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:27,097
Oh, I'm not a waitress. I'm a nurse.
238
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:28,465
Okay.
239
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:30,200
Oh! You're a nurse.
Could you look at my hands?
240
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:31,335
I think they're getting bluer.
241
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:34,237
Okay, I'm gonna need everyone
to step out now.
242
00:09:34,306 --> 00:09:35,822
You heard her. Everyone out.
243
00:09:35,870 --> 00:09:36,836
Your presents are gonna have to wait.
244
00:09:36,904 --> 00:09:38,604
And, Greg, your hands are fine.
245
00:09:38,673 --> 00:09:41,240
Doris has an actual medical emergency.
246
00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:44,443
Hey, is something wrong?
What's that thing beeping for?
247
00:09:44,512 --> 00:09:45,845
Everything's okay.
248
00:09:45,913 --> 00:09:47,613
Someone just unplugged
your fetal monitor
249
00:09:47,682 --> 00:09:49,015
and the backup battery ran low.
250
00:09:49,083 --> 00:09:51,150
Oh. Sorry, my bad.
251
00:09:51,219 --> 00:09:52,485
I was gonna charge my phone.
252
00:09:54,889 --> 00:09:56,055
Maybe Mom's right.
253
00:09:56,124 --> 00:09:57,590
Maybe I'm just making myself crazy.
254
00:09:57,659 --> 00:09:59,825
Al Capone thought he was going crazy,
255
00:09:59,894 --> 00:10:02,762
but in reality,
it was the syphilitic dementia.
256
00:10:03,998 --> 00:10:05,364
You know, if you want to ask Gina out,
257
00:10:05,433 --> 00:10:07,500
you should practice first
by asking someone else out.
258
00:10:07,568 --> 00:10:08,634
Who?
259
00:10:08,703 --> 00:10:10,236
Anyone.
260
00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:11,537
How about her?
261
00:10:11,606 --> 00:10:13,072
Are you nuts?
262
00:10:13,141 --> 00:10:14,373
She's like 80.
263
00:10:14,442 --> 00:10:16,108
It's not like
she's gonna go out with you.
264
00:10:16,177 --> 00:10:17,810
It's just practice
getting the words out.
265
00:10:17,879 --> 00:10:20,813
Just go up there, be charming,
make her laugh.
266
00:10:20,882 --> 00:10:23,482
Eyo and I used to laugh all the time.
267
00:10:23,551 --> 00:10:24,917
Maybe we were meant to be together,
268
00:10:24,986 --> 00:10:26,552
and I just threw it all away.
269
00:10:26,621 --> 00:10:28,354
Maybe he's my soul mate, and I...
270
00:10:28,423 --> 00:10:29,789
All right. All right. You win.
271
00:10:29,857 --> 00:10:31,223
I can't listen to this.
272
00:10:31,292 --> 00:10:33,326
I'm gonna take a run
at the granny in the gift shop.
273
00:10:43,204 --> 00:10:46,872
Hi. Um...
274
00:10:46,941 --> 00:10:49,375
If you don't have anything to do,
275
00:10:49,444 --> 00:10:52,411
would you like to...
276
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,380
sell me this license-plate key chain?
277
00:10:54,449 --> 00:10:56,816
Sure...
278
00:10:56,884 --> 00:10:58,084
Larry.
279
00:10:59,454 --> 00:11:00,619
So?
280
00:11:00,688 --> 00:11:01,987
Great advice.
281
00:11:02,056 --> 00:11:04,256
My confidence
is officially in the toilet.
282
00:11:04,325 --> 00:11:07,893
And I just spent like $8
on a license-plate key chain.
283
00:11:07,962 --> 00:11:10,396
Eyo's car had a license plate.
284
00:11:10,465 --> 00:11:13,165
Hey, there's Andrew Wages.
285
00:11:13,234 --> 00:11:15,935
We do Revolutionary War
reenactments together.
286
00:11:17,305 --> 00:11:20,005
I'm gonna go say hi.
287
00:11:20,074 --> 00:11:21,741
Hey, Andrew. Merry Christmas.
288
00:11:21,809 --> 00:11:23,275
Oh. Hey, Greg.
289
00:11:23,344 --> 00:11:24,777
Bummer you have to work on Christmas.
290
00:11:24,846 --> 00:11:26,912
Ah, now you think I'm a terrible doctor.
291
00:11:26,981 --> 00:11:28,247
Well, I'm not.
292
00:11:28,316 --> 00:11:31,450
I just refuse to play
their political games!
293
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:34,053
Hey, what's going on with your hands?
294
00:11:34,122 --> 00:11:36,188
- Right?
- Yeah. They're bluish gray.
295
00:11:36,257 --> 00:11:37,356
That's what I've been saying!
296
00:11:37,425 --> 00:11:38,824
You know, that could be serious.
297
00:11:38,893 --> 00:11:40,626
I knew it could be serious!
298
00:11:40,695 --> 00:11:42,294
Wait. It could be serious?
299
00:11:44,565 --> 00:11:46,565
It's all right. Just breathe.
300
00:11:46,634 --> 00:11:48,067
You're having another contraction.
301
00:11:48,136 --> 00:11:51,137
It's not just the contractions.
I'm having a fourth child.
302
00:11:51,205 --> 00:11:52,938
I told this thing not
to come out until tomorrow,
303
00:11:53,007 --> 00:11:54,840
and the son of a bitch
is already not listening to me.
304
00:11:54,909 --> 00:11:57,042
Uh, do you realize in that scenario,
305
00:11:57,111 --> 00:11:58,310
you just called yourself a bitch?
306
00:11:58,379 --> 00:11:59,645
Shut up, laptop.
307
00:11:59,714 --> 00:12:01,480
What am I doing having another child?
308
00:12:01,549 --> 00:12:03,382
I haven't done a very good job
with my first three.
309
00:12:03,451 --> 00:12:04,884
You have done a great job.
310
00:12:04,952 --> 00:12:06,118
My kids hate me.
311
00:12:06,187 --> 00:12:07,753
That's true.
I take back what I just said.
312
00:12:07,822 --> 00:12:09,889
It's 'cause you tiger-mom
the hell out of them.
313
00:12:09,957 --> 00:12:11,590
Think of baby number four
as an opportunity
314
00:12:11,659 --> 00:12:12,825
to do things differently.
315
00:12:12,894 --> 00:12:15,528
You mean I could, like...
validate its feelings,
316
00:12:15,596 --> 00:12:16,896
even if they're stupid?
317
00:12:16,964 --> 00:12:18,731
Yes. That's pretty much the job.
318
00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:22,435
We wanted to see if Doris was okay.
319
00:12:22,503 --> 00:12:23,769
You guys are so sweet.
320
00:12:23,838 --> 00:12:27,306
Yes, she and the baby
are perfectly fine.
321
00:12:27,375 --> 00:12:28,941
Presents!
322
00:12:31,312 --> 00:12:33,078
Okay.
323
00:12:33,147 --> 00:12:34,914
We got the breakfast.
324
00:12:34,982 --> 00:12:36,649
We got the fireplace.
325
00:12:36,717 --> 00:12:38,851
We're all together,
so we can open some...
326
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,352
Hang on. I don't see your dad.
327
00:12:40,421 --> 00:12:42,922
Oh, Dr. Wages took him
for some blood tests.
328
00:12:42,990 --> 00:12:44,890
What? That's not possible.
329
00:12:44,959 --> 00:12:47,159
He would've texted me.
330
00:12:47,228 --> 00:12:48,427
Oh.
331
00:12:51,999 --> 00:12:53,098
Frankly, I can't believe
332
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:54,533
you ignored your symptoms for so long.
333
00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:57,102
Katie, don't blame yourself,
334
00:12:57,171 --> 00:12:58,904
although that would be the
natural place for you to go.
335
00:12:58,973 --> 00:13:01,307
What do you think it is, Dr. Wages?
336
00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:02,675
Well, I can't be certain,
337
00:13:02,743 --> 00:13:05,511
but some of the symptoms
are consistent with gangrene.
338
00:13:05,580 --> 00:13:06,679
Are you serious?
339
00:13:06,747 --> 00:13:07,746
Deadly.
340
00:13:07,815 --> 00:13:09,915
- It's deadly?
- Oh. No. No, sorry.
341
00:13:09,984 --> 00:13:12,051
I just mean I'm really, really serious.
342
00:13:12,119 --> 00:13:13,586
You're not the first one to be confused.
343
00:13:13,654 --> 00:13:15,521
- Really got to stop doing that.
- Mm-hmm.
344
00:13:15,590 --> 00:13:17,590
Amputation is a far greater risk.
345
00:13:17,658 --> 00:13:19,592
I concur.
346
00:13:21,128 --> 00:13:23,062
My last Christmas with hands.
347
00:13:28,752 --> 00:13:30,068
Look on the bright side...
348
00:13:30,114 --> 00:13:31,280
maybe you'll get hooks for hands.
349
00:13:31,315 --> 00:13:32,747
That'd be cool.
350
00:13:32,817 --> 00:13:34,917
Plus my friend, Dahlia,
might finally shut up
351
00:13:34,986 --> 00:13:36,686
about her dad's glass eye.
352
00:13:38,156 --> 00:13:40,556
I don't want to have hooks for hands.
353
00:13:40,625 --> 00:13:43,292
Why don't you guys go wait
with Anna-Kat in the hall?
354
00:13:45,263 --> 00:13:48,831
Sweetheart, stay calm.
You are not losing anything.
355
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:50,566
Your friend Doris says
she needs you right away.
356
00:13:50,635 --> 00:13:52,301
Don't worry.
357
00:13:52,370 --> 00:13:54,103
I'm gonna go explain the situation
to Doris and be right back.
358
00:13:54,172 --> 00:13:56,405
But you won't be alone.
359
00:13:56,474 --> 00:13:58,040
Hold on to Angela.
360
00:13:58,109 --> 00:13:59,408
Maybe for the last time.
361
00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:02,345
Hurry back, Katie.
362
00:14:03,614 --> 00:14:05,481
Is Dad gonna be okay?
363
00:14:05,550 --> 00:14:07,049
We're still waiting on the tests,
364
00:14:07,118 --> 00:14:08,684
but I don't want you guys to worry.
365
00:14:08,753 --> 00:14:10,453
Yeah, but if they have
to take the hands,
366
00:14:10,521 --> 00:14:11,921
could they replace them with, like,
367
00:14:11,990 --> 00:14:13,322
Go-Go-Gadget Hands?
368
00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:16,926
Like a whisk and an umbrella
369
00:14:16,995 --> 00:14:19,028
so he can make pancakes in the rain.
370
00:14:19,097 --> 00:14:21,230
That's an excellent silver lining.
371
00:14:21,299 --> 00:14:22,798
I'll be right back.
372
00:14:24,502 --> 00:14:25,735
Poor Dad.
373
00:14:25,803 --> 00:14:27,870
Life can change in an instant.
374
00:14:27,939 --> 00:14:29,405
I don't want to live with regrets.
375
00:14:29,474 --> 00:14:30,740
Me neither.
376
00:14:30,808 --> 00:14:33,242
I'm gonna call Eyo
and get back together.
377
00:14:33,311 --> 00:14:36,579
And I'm gonna go ask out
that for-sure-plays-ukulele lady
378
00:14:36,647 --> 00:14:37,780
who works in the gift shop.
379
00:14:39,083 --> 00:14:41,017
You seem better.
380
00:14:41,085 --> 00:14:42,685
Did your drugs kick in?
381
00:14:42,754 --> 00:14:43,753
Totally.
382
00:14:43,821 --> 00:14:46,422
And now I see things so much clearer.
383
00:14:46,491 --> 00:14:49,825
So I may have made a few
mistakes with my first three.
384
00:14:49,894 --> 00:14:51,594
I'm gonna do better with this one.
385
00:14:51,662 --> 00:14:53,596
I'm taking a do-over.
386
00:14:53,664 --> 00:14:55,164
That's great, Doris.
387
00:14:55,233 --> 00:14:58,901
Now it's time to unclench
and let nature take its course.
388
00:14:58,970 --> 00:15:01,404
You're right. I love my Christmas baby.
389
00:15:01,472 --> 00:15:02,972
And I love these drugs.
390
00:15:03,041 --> 00:15:04,473
I'm glad you're in a good place,
391
00:15:04,542 --> 00:15:06,275
because I've been neglecting my family,
392
00:15:06,344 --> 00:15:07,510
and I need to get back to Greg.
393
00:15:07,578 --> 00:15:09,078
Oh, no. No, no. Katie, don't go.
394
00:15:09,147 --> 00:15:11,614
Suck some of this stuff out of my I.V.
395
00:15:11,682 --> 00:15:13,149
and come on this ride with me.
396
00:15:13,217 --> 00:15:14,850
Got to go. Next baby!
397
00:15:21,292 --> 00:15:23,592
Hi. I'm back.
398
00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,461
Seeing as it's Christmas and all,
399
00:15:25,530 --> 00:15:27,696
I'd like to know if you'd...
400
00:15:31,369 --> 00:15:32,601
...sell me this key chain.
401
00:15:34,172 --> 00:15:36,172
That'll be $8...
402
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:37,339
Jerome.
403
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,261
Would you like to see
"The Nutcracker" tomorrow night?
404
00:15:59,330 --> 00:16:02,131
I have two tickets.
405
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,899
- I'd love to see "The Nutcracker."
- Yes!
406
00:16:03,968 --> 00:16:06,569
My mom died this year,
and my sister and I
407
00:16:06,637 --> 00:16:08,637
used to go see "The Nutcracker"
with her every Christmas.
408
00:16:08,706 --> 00:16:09,772
Oh, wait. The thing is...
409
00:16:09,841 --> 00:16:11,936
We weren't planning to go this year,
but then you come in
410
00:16:11,991 --> 00:16:13,509
- with two free tickets.
- No.
411
00:16:13,578 --> 00:16:14,577
You don't understand.
412
00:16:14,645 --> 00:16:16,178
It was my sister's idea to ask you.
413
00:16:16,247 --> 00:16:17,813
Then you're both angels.
414
00:16:17,882 --> 00:16:19,648
It's like my mom sent you to me...
415
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:22,218
two little Christmas angels.
416
00:16:23,554 --> 00:16:25,554
Maybe I won't turn back to drugs
after all.
417
00:16:25,623 --> 00:16:26,722
I got to go.
418
00:16:28,593 --> 00:16:30,759
Ooh! I'm gonna Google your symptoms.
419
00:16:30,828 --> 00:16:32,428
Katie said no checking the Internet.
420
00:16:32,497 --> 00:16:35,164
She said it to you, not to me.
421
00:16:35,233 --> 00:16:36,899
There's a whole chat room of people
422
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:38,701
whose hands turned blue.
423
00:16:38,769 --> 00:16:40,803
Ooh, you got to love the Internet.
424
00:16:40,872 --> 00:16:42,471
You know, the other day
my zipper got stuck,
425
00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:43,906
and I couldn't figure out
how to get it loose.
426
00:16:43,975 --> 00:16:46,442
Turns out, you can use a crayon, Greg.
427
00:16:46,511 --> 00:16:48,188
A crayon!
428
00:16:48,346 --> 00:16:51,313
Mm. But you might lose your hands.
429
00:16:51,382 --> 00:16:52,774
Let's focus on that.
430
00:16:55,419 --> 00:16:56,452
How'd it go?
431
00:16:56,521 --> 00:16:57,920
In the following order, I think it went
432
00:16:57,989 --> 00:17:01,657
awkward, thrilling, strange, sad,
433
00:17:01,726 --> 00:17:03,125
and then purely uncomfortable.
434
00:17:03,194 --> 00:17:04,460
But you asked her out?
435
00:17:04,529 --> 00:17:07,396
Hmm. Yeah. I guess I did.
436
00:17:07,465 --> 00:17:08,631
You call Eyo?
437
00:17:08,699 --> 00:17:10,799
Yep, and as soon as I heard his voice,
438
00:17:10,868 --> 00:17:12,735
I realized breaking up
was the right decision,
439
00:17:12,803 --> 00:17:14,270
and I'm standing by it.
440
00:17:14,338 --> 00:17:16,038
Also, he's dating Bruce Westfield,
441
00:17:16,107 --> 00:17:17,573
the co-captain of the water polo team,
442
00:17:17,642 --> 00:17:19,308
so that helped.
443
00:17:21,045 --> 00:17:22,645
Did you buy any new pants recently?
444
00:17:22,713 --> 00:17:26,048
I bought some jeans,
back when framing my thighs
445
00:17:26,117 --> 00:17:27,416
seemed like such an important thing.
446
00:17:27,485 --> 00:17:28,884
No. Listen.
447
00:17:28,953 --> 00:17:30,819
Find some rubbing alcohol
and rub it on your hands.
448
00:17:30,888 --> 00:17:33,989
I don't think alcohol is...
449
00:17:34,058 --> 00:17:35,024
gonna...
450
00:17:38,262 --> 00:17:39,595
Oh, my God.
451
00:17:39,664 --> 00:17:40,829
The blue is coming off!
452
00:17:40,898 --> 00:17:42,631
It's your new pants! It's a thing.
453
00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:43,933
There's a guy that figured out
454
00:17:44,001 --> 00:17:45,301
he was rubbing his hands
on his new jeans,
455
00:17:45,369 --> 00:17:46,602
and the blue dye was coming off.
456
00:17:46,671 --> 00:17:48,103
Look at that.
457
00:17:48,172 --> 00:17:49,905
My hands were tingling
from the carpal tunnel.
458
00:17:49,974 --> 00:17:51,240
I must have rubbed them on my pants...
459
00:17:51,309 --> 00:17:53,142
Oh, no. Katie's gonna think
I'm an idiot.
460
00:17:53,211 --> 00:17:54,710
At least you're not
gonna lose your hands.
461
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,813
How are you doing?
462
00:17:57,882 --> 00:17:59,048
There's something you should know.
463
00:17:59,116 --> 00:18:00,716
No, there's something you should know.
464
00:18:00,785 --> 00:18:02,985
I am sorry that I didn't listen to you
465
00:18:03,054 --> 00:18:04,420
when you said something was wrong.
466
00:18:04,488 --> 00:18:06,655
I-It's okay, Katie.
You should know that I-I...
467
00:18:06,724 --> 00:18:09,792
No. You were suffering,
and I just brushed it off.
468
00:18:09,860 --> 00:18:12,528
I'm gonna change, Greg.
469
00:18:12,597 --> 00:18:14,196
I'm gonna be better.
470
00:18:14,265 --> 00:18:15,364
From now on,
471
00:18:15,433 --> 00:18:18,033
I'm gonna be the wife
that you need me to be.
472
00:18:18,102 --> 00:18:19,702
Katie...
473
00:18:21,906 --> 00:18:23,105
...that sounds great.
474
00:18:23,174 --> 00:18:24,607
Uh, aren't you gonna tell her...
475
00:18:24,675 --> 00:18:26,709
I'm sure with your unconditional
love and support,
476
00:18:26,777 --> 00:18:28,310
this thing will just go away on its own.
477
00:18:28,379 --> 00:18:29,678
I should have been there for you,
478
00:18:29,747 --> 00:18:31,480
but I was more focused on Doris
479
00:18:31,549 --> 00:18:33,249
and my stupid Christmas traditions.
480
00:18:33,317 --> 00:18:34,416
It's not stupid.
481
00:18:34,485 --> 00:18:36,018
Annoying, certainly.
482
00:18:36,087 --> 00:18:37,953
Inflexible, yes.
483
00:18:38,022 --> 00:18:39,555
It's just what we used to do
when I was a kid.
484
00:18:39,624 --> 00:18:42,091
Growing up, my mom always
traveled for work,
485
00:18:42,159 --> 00:18:44,893
but the only time that we could
depend on her to be home
486
00:18:44,962 --> 00:18:46,829
was on Christmas Day.
487
00:18:46,897 --> 00:18:50,432
That's why these traditions
are so important to me.
488
00:18:50,501 --> 00:18:52,635
Sweetie, we don't need traditions
to keep our family together.
489
00:18:52,703 --> 00:18:54,103
We're always together.
490
00:18:54,171 --> 00:18:56,639
I'm not going anywhere.
The kids aren't going anywhere.
491
00:18:56,707 --> 00:18:58,741
And my hands...
492
00:18:58,809 --> 00:18:59,975
aren't going anywhere.
493
00:19:00,044 --> 00:19:01,677
What?
494
00:19:01,746 --> 00:19:03,712
It was my pants.
495
00:19:03,781 --> 00:19:05,281
I... My carpal tunnel
496
00:19:05,349 --> 00:19:07,283
was making me rub my hands
on my new jeans,
497
00:19:07,351 --> 00:19:10,052
and the dye turned my hands blue, so...
498
00:19:10,121 --> 00:19:11,353
Wait.
499
00:19:11,422 --> 00:19:13,555
So, you're okay? It was nothing?
500
00:19:13,624 --> 00:19:16,825
I know what you're thinking...
It's a Christmas miracle.
501
00:19:24,568 --> 00:19:26,128
Go take care of your friend.
502
00:19:30,308 --> 00:19:33,342
Don't you ever flip me down again, Greg.
503
00:19:36,747 --> 00:19:39,615
Who's Mommy's do-over baby? You are.
504
00:19:39,684 --> 00:19:41,116
I'm gonna spoil you,
505
00:19:41,185 --> 00:19:43,786
and it's gonna drive a wedge
between you and your siblings.
506
00:19:43,854 --> 00:19:46,055
Yes, it will.
507
00:19:46,123 --> 00:19:48,190
Thanks for being there for me.
508
00:19:48,259 --> 00:19:50,059
Now go find your family.
509
00:19:50,127 --> 00:19:51,327
Nah.
510
00:19:51,395 --> 00:19:53,295
I already sent them home
to open presents.
511
00:19:53,364 --> 00:19:56,065
I was driving everyone crazy.
512
00:19:56,133 --> 00:19:58,100
You should learn to be
a good mom like me.
513
00:20:00,104 --> 00:20:01,637
Merry Christmas!
514
00:20:07,678 --> 00:20:08,877
Go for it.
515
00:20:08,946 --> 00:20:10,379
Presents!
516
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:18,258
I hope you and your sister
have a nice time.
517
00:20:20,957 --> 00:20:23,057
Thank you...
518
00:20:23,135 --> 00:20:24,301
Larry Jerome.
519
00:20:30,509 --> 00:20:31,908
So, I was wondering...
520
00:20:32,011 --> 00:20:33,377
What?
521
00:20:33,479 --> 00:20:35,946
Would you like to go out some time?
522
00:20:36,048 --> 00:20:37,881
Where?
523
00:20:37,983 --> 00:20:39,116
I don't know.
524
00:20:39,218 --> 00:20:41,284
Okay.
525
00:20:41,387 --> 00:20:44,620
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net
38157
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