All language subtitles for 3rd_Rock_from_the_Sun-1x18

Hello!
- Hi, Dick.

I brought home
a pizza.

Hey, Dick, how was your day?
- Sally, what are you doing here?

I thought you were
supposed to be out

investigating your chemical
attraction to Mr. Randell.

We had a date,

but he had to cancel.
His mother came in town.

So?

I don't know, he said he
wanted to break me to her gently.

So Dick, aren't you going
to ask me how my day went?

Good work, Harry.
Well-Done.

Sally,

just because you
haven't been invited somewhere

is no reason
not to go.

Your next assignment
is to meet this mother

and study
her maternal power.

I could seduce her
if you like.

Uh, no, Harry.

Tommy, have you infiltrated
the glee club yet?

Yeah,
they're very happy.

End of report.
- Good work, Tommy.

Hey, what about me?
- Well, what about you?

That's my point.
You're the high commander,

and she's in charge of security.
He's the information officer.

What am I?
- Well, you're...

you're Harry.

Oh, sure, I got
the fancy title,

but what do I do? What am I good at?
- Uhhh...

you.. you paint.
- Oh, yeah, I like painting.

Painting, yes.
great, go, paint.

Oh, okay, off to my painting.

Just yell if you need me.
- Sure, whatever.

Oh, Dick, they've
screwed it up again!

Oh, man!
- Oh, damn!

What's this, Tommy?
- "Star wars." It's a movie.

What's all that supposed to be?

Outer space.
Can you believe it?

If outer space
was that happen,

I never would
have left.

Hey Tommy, I'm almost ready.
- Whoa! Where are you going?

I'm taking Tommy to school.
- Oh.

Well, be sure to talk
to that Mr. Randell.

Oh, will he be there?

Gosh, I hope
I don't distract him.

Ow! Ow, ow, ow.

You are in big trouble,
and big, big trouble.

What's going on?

He was painting something
awful on the side of the house.

A post-impressionist
urban mural.

I was given full permission.
Tell her, Dick.

Well, I promise you, Mrs.
Dubcek, Harry will not go unpunished.

He will sit in his room
and think about what he did

while you repaint
your house.

Idle hands do the devil's
work. When I was a young girl..

the glacier receded,
creating the great lakes.

I'm sure it was incredible.
Bye-bye, now.

Good-bye. Bye-bye, now. Good-bye.

Well, thanks a lot, Dick.

You tell me to paint,

and then you hang me out
to dry like a shirt,

a wet shirt.

A wet shirt
that needs drying.

Why is Harry so upset all
of a sudden? Is he mad at me?

No. He just
feels left out.

He's searching for his identity, so
he's acting up to get your attention.

How do you know all this?
- I see it with sophomores all the time.

What he needs now
is an authority figure.

He's got an authority figure.
I'm the high commander.

No, I mean a parent.
- Yes.

Mr. Randell has a mother,
and he turned out dreamy.

Of course...
Harry needs a father.

I should have seen it.

Well, I can fill
those shoes.

I'm pretending
to be your father.

Of course, I may have
to neglect you for awhile.

I know. I don't mind.
You're a terrible father, anyway.

Well, you're
a lousy son.

I'm old and set
in my ways.

It's going to be different
with my second son.

I'm going to be a terrific father to Harry.
- Oh, sure.

And I'm going to start off by
being completely honest with him.

What do you mean, honest?
- I'm going to tell him about that

"thing"
that they put in his head.

Oh, no, no.
- You can't tell him about the thing.

Telling him about the thing
would be a bad thing.

Shh! Ix-nay
on the thing-thay.

Uh, Harry, I've
made a decision.

From now on,

I don't want you to think
of me as your commander.

I want you to think
of me as a father,

a father
who outranks you.

Well, a father? Why?
- Guidance, emotional support.

I'll be there for you.

I'll be the wind
beneath your sheets.

Harry, you need anything
at all, you come to me.

Well, okay.
Can I borrow the car?

No.
- Can I have some cash?

No.
- Can I bring a woman to my room?

Never happen.
- Sure.

Oh, well, thanks,
commander.

I mean, Dick.. dad.

Father Dick.

Oh.

Hostilities didn't
begin to escalate

until the confederate
troops attacked fort Sumter.

And four years later, the
war is pretty much over.

Mr. Randell.
- Sally.

Hey, Solomon.
- What?

Are Randell and your aunt like,
uh, you know?

You know?
- You know?

I don't know, why don't you
raise your hand and ask, you mook?

So, did you want to talk
to me about Tommy?

No. Tommy's doing fine.
- Oh.

Well, then,
since I'm here,

can I meet your mother?

I don't know that you're
ready to meet my mother.

We could have dinner,
the three of us.

You don't think it's a little early?
- No, no.

I think breakfast would
be early. Dinner's fine.

I don't know, Sally.

She's not an easy person
to get to know.

She's extremely protective,
and she never thinks

anyone or any thing
is good enough for me.

I think she's really
going to like me...

a lot.

Hey, bye, Tommy.

...Which can be
directly applied

to newton's
second law of motion

which, for personal reasons, is my favourite.

Isaac newton, of course,
has been called

the father of modern physics,
which brings me to another question.

How many of you have fathers?
Show of hands. Anyone? Fathers?

Everyone has
fathers. Good.

So, who would like to relate
some fatheresque experiences,

something very fathely?

Uh, okay, well,

my father and I have
this very special..

no, no, no,
Caryn. Please.

I'm only interested
in father-son experiences.

Bug? tell me about your father.
- My father? Very strict.

It didn't matter
that I was the youngest.

When I'd act up, he'd give me his belt.
- You wore the same size?

As punishment, he'd put me over
his knee and give me a whooping.

So he gave you
a whooping and a belt?

Uh, with a belt.

And then he gave
you the belt?

Um.....yeah.

Leon, did your dad
ever give you a belt?

No. No,
my dad's great.

We have this tradition,

every August, we rent
a cabin on lake Erie.

We pick up a case
of tall boys, get faced,

and hit on the girls who
rent the pontoon boats.

He's really good at it.

Tomorrow there
will be a pop quiz

on the effects
of thermal dynamics

Remember, it's
a pop quiz.

If you study,
I'll know.

Harry!

Son, look what
I brought home for us.

It's a six-pack
of tall boys.

Let's say we get faced and
then I'll give you my belt.

Forget it, man.
- What's this?

I'm cutting out.
I'm blowing this joint.

I'm taking
some powder.

You're leaving? You can't leave.
- Face it, Dick.

I have
no purpose here.

I'll find you
a purpose.

I'll set up a meeting for you
with the campus job counselor.

That's your world,
man, not mine.

See, I'm rejecting
all that "9-to-5,

make a living,
become a success,

feel good about
yourself crap.

That's a sucker's
game, man.

Well, colour me gone.

But, Harry.. wait.
You're part of the unit.

We need you.
- What do you need me for?

Well, uh... because...
we love you,

and you're important
to the family,

and, uh...
you're so pretty.

Well, I may be pretty, but
I know I'm not important.

Well no, Harry..you are important.

I wasn't going
to say this.

Harry,

you've got a thing
in your head.

A thing?

A cranial
micro receiver chip.

In my head?
- Yes,

but it's not in the part
you use. It's in your brain.

This is so exciting.

I think it's every little girl's
dream to meet her boyfriend's mother.

I always thought
it was to get married.

Mr. Randell, it's
only been two dates.

When?

Hi, honey.
- Mother.

Mmm!

Well, this
is Sally.

Mrs. Randell, it is such
a pleasure to meet you.

You sure squeezed out
a winner, lady.

Why, thank you.
- Why don't we sit down?

Now, which Sally
are you?

The only Sally.
- I have to apologize.

It's just that he's
so darn handsome.

He attracts so many women, I
tend to get you all confused.

Actually, mother,
I was the one

who was attracted to Sally.
She has a beautiful smile.

Oh, absolutely.
Are those caps?

Oh, no,
they're teeth,

they go all the way
back. See?

Isn't she sweet?
Hm hmm.

So I have a receiver
chip in my brain?

And I have this, why?

Well, because

sometimes our
supreme leader,

the big giant head,

well, he needs to
communicate with us,

and we picked you..
you, Harry.

Without you, we can't maintain
contact with the home office.

There now, don't you
see how important you are?

Oh well... does Tommy know about this?
- Yes.

Does Sally know about this?
- Yes.

Do you know
about this?

Yes.

Look, I'm sorry,
I should have told you sooner, but..

isn't it neat to find
out new things about yourself?

You have destroyed my life!

Harry, please.
- Oh-hh, so it's okay

for me to have
a thing in my head,

but it's not okay
for me to know about it?

And you call
yourself a father.

I'm out of here.

No, Harry, you are
not leaving!

You're coming right
back here! That's an order.

You know, Dick,
if you were my father,

I would think that you would
care enough about my feelings

to just let me go.

You're right. You need to
sort this out for yourself..

Go.

But as high commander, I must
have access to that transmitter.

Stay!

But I want you to have
your own space.

Go.

But I can't allow
this breach of protocol.

I order you to stay!

Leave the nest.
Fly.

I need your head.
You come back here!

I'm sorry. Go.
No, stay!

No, go!
Stay! Go!

Stop!

You're tearing me apart!

Give me a beer.
- What kind?

The kind you drink.

Hi, I'm margueritte.
Who are you?

I don't know
who I am.

All I know is

I got something
inside my head,

something that could
go off at any minute,

some sort of
answering machine

with some
cosmic message

sent from somewhere
out there

in the universe.

I'm an Aquarius.

Hey, who are you
talking to?

I don't know, some guy.
- Was he hitting on you?

Why? You jealous?

Hey, you talkin'
to my girl?

You don't look old enough
to be her father.

What are you,

a comedian?

No, that would be
buddy Hackett.

You got wheels?
- On my car.

Okay, you and me, pal.

Dead man's curve. We're
gonna play a game of chicken.

I'll stop
at the colonel's!

I wonder how he's doing
out there all by himself.

You know, if you're
a bad father, they leave.

If you're a good
father, they leave.

A parent's love
is like a river.

No matter how deep
or strong its current,

it's always flowing
towards a sea of separation.

Lighten up, Dick. You're going to
give yourself a hallmark hernia.

Hello. Yes?

The police?
You've got Harry?

He crashed the car...
at dead man's curve?

We'll be right over.

Tommy,
something terrible has happened.

Harry crashed the car
at dead man's curve.

Why is the father
always the last to know?

Okay, so we've
left the dance,

and we're parked in your son's car...
- Sally

and he can't seem
to undo the top hook.

Sally, please don't.
Oh come on.

it's a cute story.

Let her talk.
- I ordered the salmon. What did you order?

My, that's an interesting dress you're wearing.
- You like my dress?

Good, 'cause I didn't
know if you'd be impressed

by how confident I am
to wear a dress like this.

Or maybe I should have gone with
something a little more conservative,

as if to say
"what's underneath here

is not for anybody
but your son".

Well, I think that dress
says it's not just for my son,

it's for
the whole room.

Good. That's a relief.

If you want to control my life,
you could be more subtle about it.

I don't want
to intrude,

so if you'll excuse me,

I'm going
to the ladies' room.

I think she's upset with
you. I'm going to talk to her.

Sally, I don't think it's--
- Shh! I'm doing it for you.

Frances, are you
all right?

Me? I'm fine, honey.
It's you I'm worried about.

Me?

Well,

I'm afraid you're just
not my son's type.

What do you mean?
- Now, don't get me wrong.

You're really not half
as cheap as you look.

I get it.
You're insulting me, aren't you?

I have made such
a huge mistake.

I thought you were nice,
but you're not nice.

You hate me.

I am so glad we finally
understand each other.

Me, too, Frances, 'cause as
long as I'm going to date your son,

I don't want
any problems.

Over my dead body.

Doable.

If you're going
to throw a punch,

try putting your weight
into it, like this.

Ow!

Will the ladies be returning?

One of them will.

I'm Dr. Solomon.
Where's my son, my son Harry?

Well the good news is
he's alive.

Oh, thank god!

But I have to warn you,
he don't look so good.

That's what he
always looks like.

Harry!
- Oh, Dick.

Harry, I've failed you.

If I'd been there for you
when you needed me,

then you wouldn't have run out
of the house. You could have died.

Dick, I almost
did die.

What happened?

It was the most amazing journey.
- What do you mean?

I was leaving the colonel after picking up chicken--
- Wait. Why a chicken?

Long story short,
I have no idea.

So, I was on my way
to the big race,

and a paper bag
blew across the road.

I was afraid it was full
of bunnies, so I swerved.

And right as the car was
flying into the ditch,

my whole life flashed
before my eyes.

Harry, I don't mean to be
insensitive, but what's your point?

Well, all I
could think was,

"I have a rage
to live".

And then the car
landed, and I said,

"hey, world,
I'm alive!

And these pants
are washable."

That's a beautiful story.
- Thank you.

Oh, Dick,
it doesn't matter

that I'm an underling
with a thing in my head.

What matters most
is life itself.

And the greatest
thing about life

is not having
a purpose.

It's finding...
a purpose.

Why, Harry,

you sound
exactly like me.

Like fake father,
like fake son.

Dick, could we just
drop the father thing

and go back to being
fake brothers?

You don't want me to be your dad anymore?
- No.

Good,

because I was this close to
drop-kicking your sorry butt

from here
to the outlet mall!

I'm sorry you had to pay
the damages at the restaurant.

No, it was worth
the 1700 dollars.

Wait till my brother's
wife hears about this.

Once at Christmas,
she took a clumsy swing,

but mom got her in a
headlock and she blacked out.

You were great.
- I really liked her.

I don't think she liked you.
- I didn't like her, either.

I really like
you, though.

Same here.

Ow!

Your mother wears
a lot of rings.

No...

pain can be good.

You know, someday I'd
like to be a real father

with a real son..

a little guy who'd be
sweet and cuddly,

pink and puffy,

just like his old man.

You do realize that your son
could wind up being a daughter?

Oh, no, no,
not my son.

I bet Mr. Randell
would make a great father.

I can see him now,
sitting with his kids,

helping them
with their homework,

telling them what a cow
pie their grandmother is.

A lovley image.

Yeah, all
this romance talk

makes me want to
call my girlfriend.

Hey, Harry, can you
give me a dial tone?

Well, aren't we witty.

Let me ask you this. Has the
big giant head ever called us?

Not yet.
- How will we know when he does?

Well, when the big
giant head calls.

Harry will
suddenly go blank

and stare off
into space.

Like I said, how will we
know when he does?