All language subtitles for 3rd_Rock_from_the_Sun-1x17

No.

Oh! Bazooka Joe...

you're an imbecile!

Good morning.
- Dr. Albright.

I am about to reveal

something astounding.

I think you're
overestimating yourself.

Behold!
An Atm card.

Oh.

Congratulations.

You're now a member
of a very elite group

of 2, 3, hundred million
Americans.

My name is raised. You
can touch it if you want.

No, thanks.

When I press it
into my forehead..

you can read
my name backwards.

Pace yourself,
we have a whole semester.

Nina, did I show
you my new..

yes, you did, and, no,
I don't want to feel it.

I have a great idea.

To celebrate, why don't
I use my new Atm card

to withdraw money from one
of many convenient locations,

even after
business hours,

and take you out
to dinner tomorrow night?

All right.
- Really?

Yes.
- You're not just toying with me?

You do understand
it's dinner, out?

Yes,

but it can't just be
dinner out of the house.

It also has to be
dinner out of the car.

Yes. Now all I have to do is
put this card into the Atm,

punch in my secret
code, 1-2-3-4

oh, no!

I was never supposed to
reveal my code to anyone!

Ooh, well, now you're
going to have to kill us.

That was the mall. Wasn't it great?
- How would I know?

The escalator
broke down,

and I was stuck there
for an hour and a half.

You know, I think
the entire planet

should be covered
by one big roof.

And we should never
be more than 15 feet

from a wienie
on a stick.

Tommy, look what I bought for you.
- A basketball?

I've decided that you should join your school's team.
- Why?

Because it's important
that you experience

the humiliation of adolescent
boys at the hands of bitter adults

trying to rewrite
the failures of their youth.

It'll be fun.

All right, who ripped the
radio out of the dashboard?

What are you talking about?
- The radio, it's gone.

Wait a minute, I know what's happened here.

You see it all the time
on the news.

Oh, uh... toupees.

No, crime.
We're victims of crime!

What are we supposed
to do now?

The radio's gone. I think we
all know what we have to do.

I can't believe
Dick did this to me.

Why do I have
to play basketball?

I know. Team sports are so infantile.

It's all masculine
posturing.

All the preening and flexing.
- Exactly.

What I really hate is that
there's some primitive part of me

that really
responds to that.

And what I really hate

is being cursed with
the heart of a champion.

What is Harry doing?
- It's part of my new security procedures.

Oh! Red alert!

There's a squirrel
approaching the building.

This seems a bit
extreme, lieutenant.

With all due respect,
high commander, butt out.

Security's my domain. I'll
take the blame for the radio.

Oh, please.
- No, I should have been guarding the rambler

instead of shopping
for loofahs.

You're overeacting.

Dick, I have been telling you
this planet is in a bad neighborhood.

We have been on far worse
planets than this,

inhabited by creatures
with far worse breath.

I mean, at least we're on a
planet that's governed by laws.

You're too distrustful
of humans.

It's just those
two little eyes

right in the middle
of their head.

Makes 'em all look like
they're up to something.

Knock, knock.

Hi, hi. I heard about your car radio.

Did you call the cops?
- I don't think that's necessary.

Don't be silly.
You go down to the station,

you ask for
officer Franco.

An Italian gentlemen,
very nice.

He came right over
when my boyfriend

got beat up
in my living room.

Your boyfriend got beat up
in your own house?

Yeah. Well, my husband
didn't care for him.

Wow,

I smell the fist
of justice.

I smell doughnuts.

Can't you feel
it, Harry..

the stifling sense
of order?

The discipline? The
almost robotic lack of emotion?

The fluorescent lights?

God help me.

I love it.

What can I do
for You?

Just let me be
near you.

Okay.

My name's officer Don.

Well, officer Don, we're
here to report a crime.

I blame myself.
I dropped my guard.

It's not your fault.
Crime happens.

On the surface, Rutherford may
look like small town America,

but just beneath
the well-manicured lawns

lies a hotbed
of criminal activity.

We may be in the shadow
of Cleveland,

but it's in the shadows
where evil lurks.

Wow! Hey,
when you do this,

it sort of looks like
"Nypd blue." Wow.

Oh, my.

Now, what happened?

The radio was stolen
out of our rambler.

A.M. With those push buttons?
- Yes.

Those sick bastards!

Fill out this form.
- Form? Then what happens?

I make a copy of it.
- And then?

Then on Thursday a girl
comes in and files it.

Paperwork.
If I had my way,

I'd be out in the streets
putting the rats back in their holes.

Well, Don, if I had
a gun like that,

I wouldn't be sitting behind a
desk until I ran out of bullets.

Hi.

So what are you
here for?

Well, they picked
me up for vagrancy,

but that's not
the real reason.

I'm here because
they know.

They know I'm from the
planet clarion in the bard spiral

on the Cepheus
dracond border.

Do you know Steve?

Dear lord,

if it be within your
great wisdom and mercy,

please grant us the strength and courage

excuse me, coach.
- We're in the middle of a prayer Solomon.

Do you think we should be
bothering god over a basketball game?

This is important.
- The other team's praying, too.

Oh, so our god is stronger
than their god?

There's only
one god, Solomon.

Am I the only one seeing a
conflict of interest here?

Yes! All right,
first in, out on the court!

Let's go! Hustle it out there! Get out there!

There you go.
- Coach, what about me?

I'm sorry.
You're not tall enough.

What are you saying?

You're too damn short!
Get outta here.

Oh!

Why, yes, I will have
another transaction,

and this time
in...espanol.

I'll be done in a minute. I
just want to see what my limit is.

Take your time.
- Look at this.

I put the card in, and money
comes out. Card in, money out.

Oh!

You see this? As much as I
want over and over again.

Isn't it amazing?
- Yeah. Now give it to me.

What?
No, no, no.

This is my money, but I'm
sure you can have your own card..

Quit foolin' around.
I said, hand it over.

No, let me explain
this to you again.

This $300 is mine,

just like the 100
I just put in my wallet.

Yah! Whoa! Yah!

This is all my fault.

What was I thinking,
letting you go out by yourself?

A man who could steal a
wallet is capable of anything.

He could have put you
in a vat of saline

and harvested your organs
over a period of months,

forcing you to regenerate
kidney after kidney after..

will you stop!
- Now, just relax.

You've got to calm down.
- How can I calm down?

I feel
so utterly exposed

and vulnerable,

and not in that
fun spanky way.

It's all right.
You're safe now.

What kind of a place is this where
you can't wave handfuls of money around

in the middle
of the night?

Sir, did this guy have
any distinguishing marks?

His skin was
rather nice.

Well, Mr. Solomon, I can
see that you're pretty upset,

so I'll just be giving my home
phone number... to your sister.

Call if you have
any... needs.

Oh, why did this have to happen?
- It was late.

Why did I have to be at that place at
that time, taking out all that money?

Don't blame yourself.
- I don't, I blame you!

What?!
- You had to agree to go out with me.

You always turn me down. Why
did you pick now to say yes?

I don't know.
- You see, you weren't thinking.

You can't take
a random act

and turn it around to
blame an innocent person.

Just watch me.
- Why did I think tonight would be any different?

You are insane.
- It's the world that's insane!

They talk about the
universe being random. Ha!

This is the place that's random.
- I'm leaving.

People assaulting
total strangers

for no other reason
than to take their money!

That's right,
run away from the problem!

Sooner or later you're going to
have to come to terms with the fact

that the earth is a cold, dark and evil place

crawling with crazed
ne'er-do-wells

and arsenate
jackanapes!

Well, I don't
like it!

Lieutenant!
- Yes, sir.

This planet has
crossed the line.

Assemble
the giant robot.

We didn't pack it.
- We didn't? Why not?

I wanted to, but you needed
the room for your exercise bike,

which, I might add,
you never use.

The strengths of
the refracted light

varies...

in accordance
with its velocity

as measured in light years per second.
- Dr. Solomon.

What is it, Leon?
- Why are you writing like that?

Because we live in world
where, as soon as you turn around,

someone is waiting to stab you
in the back and steal your wallet.

Dr. Solomon, you have to
have more faith in people.

You know, I think that deep
down there's a basic decency..

oh, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

Your chirpy optimism
has no place in reality.

Guess what.
Santa Claus is dead!

Beaten senseless
for his shiny black boots!

And his reindeer
don't give a damn!

You know,
Dr. Solomon,

you seem to be carrying
around so much baggage.

You're not getting any of
it, so get away from me!

Okay, Let's get this straight.
I don't care how much it costs.

I don't care how difficult
it is to accomplish.

I want a security system
that will guarantee

that every moment
of our lives

will be filled with a sense of
absolute safety and contentment.

That would be
the electro fort 2000.

The alarm connects directly
to our command center downtown

where we immediately dispatch
trained patrolmen to your door.

I see. I just
have one question.

Sure.
- Where do I bury my family

after the burglars have
pumped bullets into their skulls

while your guys
are strolling over?

That almost
never happens.

May I have a
glass of water?

Where's Tommy?
He should be here.

It's all under control. He's in
the driveway playing one-on-one.

Tommy.. Tommy,
I'm sorry.

I didn't know I'd be that
good. I've never played before.

Your company is
obviously run by amateurs.

This is totally
unsatisfactory.

Allow me to show you
a few schematics

that I drew up.

Okay..now, the giant
swinging blade

would fall from here.

Steel spikes plunge into
the burglar's eyes here.

And the conveyor belt
drops the carcass

into the tank of
great white sharks here,

here... and here.

It'll work.

Now, that's
a plan.

Let's go, girls, don't forget about defence
for crying out loud!

Coach.
- What?

We're up 40 points with two
minutes to go. Come on, put me in.

I promise I won't
touch anything.

I'll just stand there.

Well.....erm.......No!

Ohh! Come on Coach, my girlfriend's
watching.

This is not
just my chance.

This is your chance to be
remembered as the beloved coach Strickland

and not as
coach suckland.

That wasn't mine.

Okay, Solomon, enough.
I'll put you in. Just shut up.

Thanks, coach.
- You know where player Hansen is?

The guy with the neck thicker than my waist?
- Yeah, that's him.

You go stop him from driving the lane.
- All right.

Good job.

Good morning.
- How are you feeling?

Wired, thank you. My entire
house is wired for security.

This afternoon I'm getting
an alarm system for the car.

Oh, good. Now all you need
is an armed guard

to walk you from the house to
the car. Then you'll be all set.

What a good idea.

A big scary one. I could hire a criminal.
- Ooh.

They're taking my money anyway.
Why not give it to them hourly?

All right, stop.
Now you are a victim.

You have lost
all trust in humanity.

Oh Mary, sweet little Mary.

Do you actually believe
that you can trust people?

Yes, I do.
- Really?

Do you trust me?

Of course I do.
- And why not?

You work with me.
You see me every day.

You know that
I care about you.

If you can't trust me,
you can't trust anyone.

Do you trust me?
Huh? Huh? Huh?

Dr. So.. ooh.

The... police called.
They have your mugger.

They what?
- They have your mugger.

This is great!
- You have to go down and identify him.

Oh, no.

You've got to confront him.
- No, no!

It's the only way to
reassert control over your life.

You'll feel better,
believe me.

Well, will you
go with me?

Yes, but give me
a minute.

There's one thing that
I really have to do.

Okay. Let's go.

I'll get the car.

You know, I'm
real proud of you.

For what, the way I slipped
in and out of consciousness?

No, for the way
you were unashamed

to show how
non-athletic you are.

Look, August, I've been
thinking about this.

I've been trying to do everything
that you think that I should do,

but it's just
not working.

And I'm sorry
if this redefines

the parameters
of our relationship.

But you're just going
to have to accept me

for who I am,
regardless if I'm short

or lousy at basketball
or whatever!

You know, I kind of like it
when you're assertive like this.

You do?
- But not all the time.

Oh. Well, how often do you
think I should be assertive?

Well, Tommy, if I told you that..
- Right, right.

I'll figure it out, I'll
figure it out. Is now a good time?

Sure.

Come on.
- Okay.

Okay, Mr. Solomon, it's
time to finger your perp.

Believe me, I've tried,
but she just won't let me.

No, we need you
to I.D. Your assailant.

Ohh oh well,

I, I, I hope I can remember
what he looks like.

I didn't really get
a good look at him.

It was dark, and it
happened so quick.

You!

You owe me $400!
You..

That's a positive I.D.
- Take his cuffs off!

Take 'em off!
I want a fair fight!

Rusty.

Oh, and by the way,
mugger boy,

your skin is not nearly as
creamy as you'd like people to think!

Dr. Albright,
thank you.

You were so right.. all I
had to do was confront him.

And beat him
senseless?

No, no, no,
that was pure gravy.

Oh. You know,

we never had that dinner.
Care to join me?

Mmm, no, not tonight.

I'm going to do
something

that I haven't done for quite awhile.. sleep.

Of course, you're welcome
to join me, if you like.

I'll pass.

Just being polite.

So, Don, when are you
going to torture him?

No, no, he still
has to go to trial.

So then you'll torture
him at the trial?

We don't work that way.

Everyone has equal rights.
That's the law.

Oh, Don,

I thought I knew you,

but we come
from different worlds.

No, we don't.

You come from a place
filled with laws

and rights
and fair trials.

I come from a place
where the wind blows cold

and the only thing
you can count on

is that you can't
count on anything.

You're from Chicago?

Good-bye, Don.

It's too bad.
We could've been great.

Sally, you've
got me all wrong.

Uh, they brought me up
on brutality charges.

There's a video!

I think we should
transfer $500

from our money market account
to our checking account.

We don't have
a money market account.

Shh! It doesn't
know that.

I'm proud of us for coming
out here tonight.

Dr. Albright said
a very wise thing.

She said if you let fear
drive you into hiding,

then the criminals
have won.

Dick, there's
someone behind us.

What do they
look like?

75, female, very frail.
- What do we do, lieutenant?

Knock her down and run for the car.
- What about the money?

We don't have time. Go!