All language subtitles for 3rd_Rock_from_the_Sun-1x13

It's a perfect night
for observing.

It's warm, dark.
The air is crystal clear.

Okay, they're in bed.

You know,
I'm not satisfied

watching the Mullers from afar.
This isn't what humans do.

Humans don't just observe
each other. They interact.

We should make contact with them.
- Ohh!

Here's something
different.

You know, without their
clothes, they seem kind of..

gelatinous?
- Yeah.

What is he looking for?
- I'm not sure yet.

Wait. Wait!
Yes, this is it.

I believe they're
going to mate.

Tommy, pay attention.

Why? This is like

sweating to the oldies
without music.

This is important.

Sex is how humans enrich
their relationships

and reaffirm the commitment
they've made to each other.

It's the most sacred, intimate part..
- they're done.

Already?

Thank you very much!

with the fiery eyes?

Katie couric.

Katie couric.

It sounds like something
beautiful stuck in your throat.

Mrs. Dubcek,

I need to go next door
and become neighborly.

What do you know about the Mullers?
- They're lovely, very nice.

Of course,
I shouldn't talk.

It's true your voice is not
one of your best assets,

but go ahead.
- All right.

The Mullers have had
their ups and downs.

I guess her husband had some
problems in the bedroom area.

Which area?
The closet?

That's what I thought
it was at first, too,

but it turned out to be
a vitamin deficiency.

Vitamin deficiency? Mr.
Muller and I can talk about that.

No, no. Stick
to sports or cars.

Cars, yes.
That's great!

I have a car.

Oh, why am I doing
this to myself?

She probably doesn't
even know I'm alive.

No, she knows.

Hi there, neighbour. You know anything about cars?
- Is this your car?

Yeah. I seem to be
having some trouble with my...

spark nuts.

Well sometimes with these
old ones,

you're better just to call the
junk man and have it towed away.

No, I couldn't do that.
I love this car.

It has a compartment
just for gloves.

Dick Solomon.
- Frank Muller.

Haven't seen you
around much.

I've seen a lot of you
and your wife.

She says you're some big
deal professor at the college.

Hardly. It's
quantum astrophysics.

A drugged monkey
could do it.

What about you?
- I work the line at the ball bearing plant.

No, the cincor plant?
- Yeah.

Are you kidding?
I love your bearings.

What do you make? Thrust bearings or linear?

Actually, I do
journal bearings.

Wow! Is that plain
or rolling contact?

On a good day, both.

Man, the stories
you must have.

A few, a few.

I thought you'd be more of an egghead.
- No, all meat.

Frank!
- There's the boss.

Well, I'll see
you around.

Oh, no big deal,

but your car's parked

about eight inches over the
property line. Could you watch that?

I'll go you one better.
I'll stop doing it.

Thanks, friend.

"Friend."

Watching television
is amazing.

I haven't had a thought
in my head for three hours.

And that's just
the tip of the iceberg.

Pseudofamily.
- Where have you been?

I have been...

in Frank Muller's garage.

We bragged, we laughed,
we tinkered.

He let me touch
his stuff.

It feels so good to be
around Frank.

It fills an empty space
I've been feeling right here.

I think it's
because we're friends.

So no one told you
it was gonna be this way.

What is this?
- Shake 'n bake chicken. Just eat it.

No, this isn't chicken.
This is just... flakes.

Okay, stay right there.
- Sally, you must learn to cook.

How far do you think you're
going to go with just a fabulous body

and the intellect of a genius?
- The box had a picture of a chicken on it.

I shaked it, I baked it. What
else am I supposed to do with it?

Why don't you ask Mrs.
Muller? Get close to her.

I'm sure she knows
how to cook something.

Do I have to?
- Yes. They're plump. We're emaciated.

You do the maths.

Making a friend
is so simple.

You may not be as good
at it as I am,

but I command you to try.
- What is the point?

We're not going to learn about
humans by watching television.

We have to mix
ourselves among them,

walk a mile
in their pants.

I just don't know how
to talk to women.

I'm sure you can find
something to say to her.

You could walk on the beach
and discuss itching.

Oh, how exciting.

I am so glad
I get to be the woman.

Next planet, I get to be
something big with horns.

Okay, so
the shake 'n bake

is just a cocoon for the chicken.
- Yep.

And chiclets are not
chicken at all, right?

You're not from Ohio, are you?
- No.

I can tell.

I don't envy you having
to take care of three men.

I only got Frank,
and he's a full-time job.

Just once I'd like to see
that man pick up a sock.

I'd like to see men put
their dirty dishes in the sink.

I'd like to see them
do laundry.

I'd like to see them crammed
between two steel wheels

and ground
into a fine paste

You know, I'd like
to see that myself.

You let me know.

Oh, you're dangerous.
- Oh, yes, I am.

I like you.
You can come by anytime.

I will.

But do me a favor,

before you settle down and
get married, you have some fun.

If I had your figure, I'd find
some old millionaire in Florida

and slowly suck
the life out of him.

I have the very
equipment to do that.

I'm sure you do.

Hi, neighbor.
- Hey, how're you doin'?

Harry, Tommy, this
is Frank, my friend.

Yeah, hi.
- Is this place magnificent?

It's the garage mahal.

Well you've gotta have someplace to
get away from the clucking.

Ooh, color.

60 channels of it.

Knock yourself out.

Dick, look. Debbie says
that the new promax router

can handle even
the wildest curves.

I don't know
if Debbie realizes

that can be taken
two ways.

Frank, this is new.
What is it?

A back scratcher.
- May I?

Be my guest.

Oh! Oh, this
is heavenly.

That spot has been
driving me nuts

ever since
we landed. Oh!

Please, keep it.

Really?

I've never received
a gift before.

I have to give you something,
take Tommy.

Frank!
- That's the boss calling.

You know, it's fascinating,
every time his wife calls,

he jumps.

See you around.
- You can count on it. I like you, Frank.

After all the time
I've spent at the university,

it's refreshing to meet someone
who doesn't pretend to be smart.

"Jerry dates a blind
girl. Repeat."

Jerry dates
a blind girl.

You know, it gains nothing
the second time.

This has been a
rebroadcast of the 11 o'clock news.

We will resume
programming at 6:00 a.m.

It's the snow show.

I saw this one
last night.

So what do we do now?

Why don't we go visit
our friends, the Mullers?

lets.
- Great! Will they be home?

It's 3:00 in the morning.
Where else would they be?

Hi, neighbor.
- Wh-what's the matter?

Nothing.
- It's 3:00 in the morning.

Patty said I could
drop by anytime.

Don't worry,
we brought gifts.

A flank steak
for milady

and "the Tv guide
crossword" for monsieur.

And by the way, the answer to "I blank Lucy"

isn't what you think.

Who is this?
- That's my daughter Cindy. She's in college.

My compliments.
She's a definite triumph

of aerobics
over genetics.

I think someone would
like to see her naked.

So, let's fire up
the barbecue.

Frank, if
you're in danger, shout!

Go back to sleep!
- You seem upset, Frank.

Go home.
- Why?

Maybe they want to have sex.
- Again?

Excuse me?
- It's not what you're thinking.

It's just that we're
so fascinated by you.

We've never met anyone of
your economic class before.

My class?

Like you're so much
better than we are?

Well, yes,
but you'll evolve.

And until then,
we can still be friends.

Friends?!
You are not my friend.

We're best friends.

No, we're not!
Get the hell outta here!

And another thing.

Get your precious car
off my property!

Fine! We can tell
when we're not wanted.

We're not wanted.
Ohhhh.

It seems that
some of the...

subtler principles
of electron motion

were beyond
everyone's grasp.

Be thankful it's just a grade.

In most places,
this kind of performance

gets you a spanking
that still burns

when you're
blown out the airlock.

Dr. Solomon, are you at least
going to grade us on a curve?

Of course not..
I grade on a transient loop.

What?
- It's very simple.

Your expected score
is located here,

the parameters of your actual
performance are here, here and here,

driving the expectation
versus performance data

into the last three loops,
two of which can't be seen

because, of course,
they're factored only in time.

So is my "a"
still an "a"?

Oh, Caryn.

No.

This shouldn't be all
that difficult for you.

The interactions
of elementary particles

are far simpler than the
interactions between people.

For example.. Leon,

do you have any friends
in this class?

Well, sometimes
I talk to Caryn.

So Caryn is your friend?
- Yes.

I see. Pitman, you and
bug are friends, right?

Yeah, since third grade.

We used to trade
underwear on sleepovers.

Shut up.

And this friendship
weathers all circumstance,

survives the frictions of
daily life completely intact?

Absolutely.
- Yeah, totally.

Even though he obviously
thinks you're stupid?

You think I'm stupid?

Only in a good way.

So there you have it..
friendship,

obviously just
a big waste of time.

And yet everyone
on the planet

gets all worked up about
these pointless little behaviours,

blissfully unaware of
the great vaporizing meteor

due in 2015...

which obviously doesn't
exist because I'm kidding.

Patty, thanks for
letting Harry come along.

He's a little traumatized
by all the tension at home.

Wheee eeeeee!

So does Frank know
you're with me?

No, I told him
I was setting a perm.

Does Dick know
you're with me?

No, I injected him
with a sedative.

I've got at least
two more hours.

Ooh,
like "Thelma & Louise,"

except we just came to the
supermarket and we haven't murdered anyone.

It's early yet.

They're so stubborn. Why
do men have to be that way?

I'm still trying to figure
out their fascination with

burping the alphabet.

Now, the key to tomatoes
is you gotta squeeze 'em.

If they're soft,
they're ready.

This one's ready.

I'm the high commander!

When our interests are challenged...
- What are you watching now?

It's the president
Clinton show.

He looks good on camera,

but his show
is incredibly dull.

Dick, are you all right?
- I'm fine.

No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

Okay, but your back
is starting to bleed.

I wish I had a remote.
Frank had a remote.

If you like Frank so much, why
don't you go live at Frank's house?

Sit down.

What is
your big problem?

Nothing. I just
reached out to Frank,

and he kicked me
in the teeth

because Frank hates me
for no good reason.

But, hey, that's Frank.
- Humans are not perfect.

Well, that's a convenient
excuse, isn't it?

You just can't admit when you're wrong.
- Oh, please.

It's not like I've never
bonded with a life-form, lieutenant.

Yes, yes, we know.
You've bonded beautifully

with creatures
on nine different systems.

And those that
wouldn't bond we ate.

It's different here, Dick.
To bond with a human,

you have to give and take,
like me and patty.

It's not worth
the trouble.

I can be perfectly content
as a disaffected loner.

Was that you?

No... and I
always tell you.

Someone's towing away
the rambler.

It's Muller!

why is he taking the car?

Because he knows
I love it.

I told you, Solomon..

eight inches
over my property! Ha!

Dick, what's wrong?
- I don't know.

There's an odd sensation
moving through my body.

Whooo.... the hell does
that stupid sack of fat

think he is anyway?!

Dick?
- I have a plan.

Remember, we're not allowed
to liquify humans.

Okay, I have
another plan.

That's it. I'm invoking a
supreme directive.

I'll need witnesses.

What is it?
- I want you to remember who you are.

I'm the high commander.
- And what is the high commander's oath?

As high commander, I
vow to handle all problems

with strength
and deliberation.

I will strive to understand
other life-forms.

I will avoid aggression

and make peace with
all those who piss me off.

What are you doing here?

We've come to apologize
and make a peace offering.

So the great professor
offers the lowly chump a present

and makes it better.
- That's what we're hoping.

It's a double-sleeved
roller bearing.

Look, you can talk
down to me,

you can wake me up
at 3:00 in the morning,

but you can't buy me off.

It's cambered.
- Get out!

Aren't you listening,
chunky? He's apologizing.

Now, now, now.. we are not
going to sink down to his level.

My level?

You people always go
straight to the snob stuff.

Who are you calling "people"?
You want a piece of me, huh?

You want a piece, huh?

Oh!

You want to fight?
Come on! Come on!

That's enough.
- Get your hands off of me.

Sorry.
- I-don't-like it!

Please don't do that.
- Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do about it?

Huh? Huh? Huh?
Egghead! Brainiac!

Dick, I am so disappointed in you.

I don't know what
happened. I just lost control.

Yeah, well, you hurt a human.
- We are in so much trouble. What if he talks?

He won't if we finish him off.
- This is awful!

Well, you should feel awful, pal.
- But I don't.

I feel better,
and powerful.

This is why
people have friends..

so they can hit them.

This is incredible. It's
the best I've ever felt!

Well, there's
the down side.

Hi.
- Hi.

I'm so sorry
about all this.

but Frank can be
such an idiot.

How's your brother?
Is he licking his wounds?

He tried, but he couldn't
reach 'em, so he made Harry do it.

Hello.

You let sleeping dogs lie, Frank Muller.

This is guy stuff. Don't
get your panties in a wad.

That's some
good advice, thanks.

So, uh, how're
you doin'?

I'm swollen, thank you.
- So am I.

Why are you
suddenly so civil?

Now we understand
each other's boundaries.

You know my limits.
I know your limits.

Now we can respect
each other.

Wait, let me see if I can
get this straight.

In order to achieve
each other's respect,

you had to resort to
violent confrontation.

Now, doesn't that
strike you as stupid?

Kids, huh?
- They don't understand the world.

So, uh,
we still friends?

Sure.

Okay, I finished
my letter.

"Dear president Clinton,

I've seen
your program on TV,

and I think
you need help.

Maybe in
the next episode

there could be gunfire

or even some explosions.

I know I'd like that.

Thanks for letting me
share my thoughts..

oh, I forgot to include
my name and address.

You know,
patty is a woman

of unexpected depth
and wisdom.

She does things
with contact paper

most women
can only dream of.

I think I finally
understand

this compelling urge
to make friends.

It isn't intellectual
at all.

These bodies have a basic
physical need for other people.

Well, in a biology
this primitive,

there are bound to be
a few weaknesses.

But that's the paradox.
It's not a weakness.

That need is what
brings them together,

and that unity is an
enormous source of power.

Yeah, it's powerful, all
right, but it's dangerous.

There are some urges we're just
going to have to learn to control.

Whoa! Their
daughter's home.