All language subtitles for 3rd_Rock_from_the_Sun-1x11

Look at this "Garfield."

I don't care what language
you speak, that cat's funny.

What have you
got there, Harry?

Yesterday I was exploring the
park, and I found this stone.

Look at it.
It's been worn

to a perfect sphere by the
elements and dimpled by time.

Harry, that's
a golf ball.

You've got way too much
free time on your hands.

Well, you know, Dick, I've tried a lot
of different things since we got to earth,

and I've made a discovery..
I'm not good at anything.

There's got to be something
that you can do.

Here, let me look
through the want ads.

What's that smell?
- I'm making blueberry muffins.

Smells like they're done.
- No, the timer didn't go off.

Yes, but lieutenant..
- I have incinerated entire armies.

I think I can handle
an oven.

I'm glad to hear
you say that

'cause I signed you up for a bake sale.
- What's a bake sale?

It's just an attempt to
revive a failing educational system

through parental
involvement.

A fine cause.
I'm there.

I really think you should
check on those muffins.

The box said 15 minutes.
You don't argue with the box.

Here's something
that you could do.

They want somebody to
sweep up the burger palace.

Oh, sure,

after about four years
of grad school maybe.

Now they're done.

Ooh! Look at this.

Here's a job I can do.

"Police seek third gunman".

Tomorrow I'm going to march
right down to the police station

and tell them I'm the man they're looking for.
- Good for you.

They're ready,

but they're just going
to be a little burnt.

This is the bake sale committee, right?
- Yes.

I don't believe I've seen you before.
- I don't believe you're blond.

Okay, everybody,
let's take our seats

and get started.

As you know,
this is my sixth year

as chairman
of the bake sale.

And, um...

I think we've done
pretty darn well.

Last year, we raised $500.

How much did you
make before that?

Well, I don't
want to brag,

but we've made roughly $500
each of the last six years.

Uh-huh. So what
you're saying is,

the group is stagnating
under your leadership.

You're new around here.

Let's start the meeting,
shall we?

Any thoughts
on this year's sale?

Yeah, I have a thought.

This group isn't advancing.
It's retreating.

You dropped
the ball, sister.

I am a master chef.

I trained at the culinary
institute of Pittsburgh.

I think I know a little bit about baking.

Okay, well, here's what
I know about baking: zip.

These troops
need a leader,

not some chirpy, weak-
chinned, underachieving drone.

No offence.

Look, if you aim for 500
bucks, you get 500 bucks.

But there's a saying
where I come from...

"when you want to punch someone in the
nose, you aim for the back of the head."

That is, if they
have a head.

So aim for 10 grand and don't
settle for anything less than five.

Um, grace...

I think she should
be in charge.

Ah! Good morning, Nina.
- Good morning.

Nina, my brother Harry is trying to
find something to keep himself busy.

I was just wondering,
how did you get this job?

I found a magic lamp
on the beach,

and this was
my first wish.

Wonderful.

How can Harry get hold
of a magic lamp?

Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
- Ah, Dr. Albright.

There's something different
about you this morning.

I have a new blouse.
- No, that's not it.

And I hope you didn't pay
too much for it.

That's it! It's the box. What's in it?

Oh, this?
Painting supplies.

I'm taking a painting class.
I'm not very good at it.

So, you're bad.

I wouldn't say
I was bad.

You have to understand I have
incredibly high standards

and I tend to be
very critical of myself.

But, as an amateur,

I've demonstrated
quite a bit of potential.

So, you're bad.

Yeah,

but art is
essentially subjective.

There is no good or bad.

So if you stink, you're still allowed to do it?
- Well...

that sounds perfect.
- Are you interested?

Me? Don't be
ridiculous.

I was talking about Harry.
- Oh.

Oh, you thought I was worried
about being less than perfect?

That's rich.

Here's how
it's going to work.

Doors open, crowd come in. First
thing they see: finger pastries.

They nosh a little,
they're delighted.

They continue on
to the layer cakes.

The smell hits 'em,
they're drooling like rabid dog

Then the heavy artillery.

They reach the walnut bread, the
almond bars, the cashew squares.

Bang! We got 'em
by the roasted nuts.

Carry on, lieutenant.
- Thank you, sir.

Sally, that was
Andy Larson on the phone.

Did you really make his mom do
one-Handed push-ups till she cried?

Yes. She had to be broken
for the sake of the unit.

You know, this art
is fascinating.

Every era, every culture,

they all have
their own art.

What drives them to create this?
- Naked women.

These are not
naked women.

They're nudes.

Nudity is the artist's
passionate celebration of the human form.

Well, party on.

Dick, why is it that you see
nude people in museums,

but they never show 'em on Tv?
- Sure, they do,

but never in comedies,
only in dramas,

and, even then,
only when the ratings sag.

Harry.

Harry, what's wrong?

I got fired from my job
at the kids' pizza place.

Oh, no.
- Yes. They dressed me up like a giant mouse,

so I figure I'll just
get into character,

and then they complain
when I eat off the floor.

Don't you worry about that. I
found something else for you to do.

You're coming with me
to an art class.

Art? I wasn't creative
enough to be a rodent.

No, no, you don't have
to be creative to do art.

You just have to be a certain
type. You've been ostracized,

spit upon, and strangers
repeatedly tell you that you're crazy.

You've got
everything it takes.

"The last supper"
by Leonardo Da Vinci.

Boy, the guy in the middle really
knows how to throw a party, huh?

And he's sitting
in front of the archway.

So what?
- The negative space in the archway

draws our focus.

And the hills
outside the archway

fade into a bluish haze,
creating distance.

So it's sort of like
it's not just a party,

it's a going-away party.

Harry, I'm impressed.
- Mmm, me, too.

Can we buy it?

Don't be silly. After one
week, we'd be sick of it.

Oh, Dick, this
is wonderful.

Do you have any idea
how good it feels

to do something for the
first time and not suck at it?

Well, hello. It's nice to
see a couple of fresh faces.

Well we're very fresh,
Squeeze my head, it's soft.

Oh, Harry, that's
really interesting.

I remember that.
- Yeah.

That was that thing that
burst out of that guy's thorax.

And we hit it and hit it
and hit it...

and it just wouldn't die.

It's... a family joke.
Sorry.

All right, class,
let's take a look

at what we've been working
on for the last two weeks.

Who would like to be first?
- Mary.

I call this painting
"spirits of spring."

When I was growing up
in Indiana

and all the other kids would
exclude me from their playing,

I'd sit in my yard
and anxiously await

the tiny crocuses to pop their
happy heads out from their winter sleep.

Oh! That's
a beautiful story.

Oh!
- It's a lousy painting,

but it is
a beautiful story.

It's very nice,
Dr. Albright.

Anyone have any comments?
- Uh, well, I..

oh, never mind.
It's stupid.

Well, don't let that
stop you, Harry. Go ahead.

Well, um...
I just find

that my focus is drawn
to the upper right corner

but when it gets there,
there's nothing to see.

Maybe you could add
a splash of yellow

to carry out the motif
you've already established.

But what do I know?
- Actually, that's a very good suggestion.

Really?
- Really?

Yes! Harry, you've really
opened something up for me.

I know exactly
what you're saying.

Thank you.
Wow! Thank you!

You work with her.
Is this sarcasm?

Low-mass black holes form

only when matter is
compressed into enormous densities

by very large
external pressures..

and this demonstrates which
principle of quantum matter physics?

I'll give you a hint. It has
nothing to do with geometric cosmology.

Anyone?

If no one answers,
I'll have to pick someone.

Someone please answer.
Please raise your hand.

Please, someone.
Answer, please.

Leon, since you're talking,
I'll ask you.

What's the principle?
- Wetness?

No. Try again.
- Dr. Solomon, why do you keep calling on Leon?

It's just not
funny anymore.

That's nonsense.

Leon, the only way of
understanding the universe

is to find the limits
of your own intelligence.

I think I've
reached my limit.

Bug.
- Yes, Dr. Solomon?

You're hiding something.
- It's just a doodle.

A doodle?

Why, this is
a picture of me

with antlers and something
coming out of my buttocks.

It's a tail.

Well, it is

That's brilliant!
The lines, the contours,

the way you've picked up the
essence of my rugged good looks.

It's just a doodle.
- Just a doodle?

And Alan thicke
is just an actor.

Tomorrow I want everyone to
bring in three sharpened pencils,

and bug will teach
us all how to doodle.

All right.

Damn!

I've tasted your butter
cookies, Mrs. Stevenson,

and, yes, I can believe
it's not butter.

Use a butter substitute, and
you'll find yourself saying,

"I can't believe I was bounced out
of this bake sale right onto my ass."

Get with the program.

Tommy,

do you ever doodle?

Why? Was I in
the bathroom too long?

I.. I can't doodle.

Well, Dick,
you're kind of old.

Old? Picasso doodled
on tablecloths

late into his 60s.

That's disgusting.
- I know.

I just can't draw.

Oh, doodling! Oh.

It's inexplicable.

I, who bestride this world
like an intellectual colossus,

I, who make lesser men quiver
in awe of my cranial prowess,

I, who..

I've forgotten my point.

Dick,
I invented a new color.

I combined
red and yellow.

I call it red-yellow.

I can't wait to show it in art class.
- Great!

Mix up a whole vat of it.
Go! Hop to it,

you ironically-gifted
chowderhead.

Why did I say that? What's wrong with me?
- Could it be..

and this is just a wild guess.. that
Harry is way better at something than you?

Give me some credit.
I'm the high commander.

I don't engage in
petty rivalry.

Look, Dick, you're actually
younger than me, right?

Right.
- But on this mission you got to be taller.

Now, don't you think that
eats my lunch just a little bit?

You don't see me whining.
- How can you be so cool about it?

'Cause I'm older
than you, little buddy.

Tommy, I got a
reconnaissance report from Mrs. Nadle.

Our only real competition
is the kissing booth.

This year
they have hookers.

Sally, those are cheerleaders.
- Not if they're charging.

Banana nut muffin heads.

Are there two parts banana to every one part walnut?
- Yes, ma'am.

I can't hear you.
- Yes, ma'am!

Mmm, mighty tasty rugula,
Mrs. Greenstein.

Thank you, ma'am.

Now, before we open the doors, I
just have one more thing to say.

You are, by far,
the saddest, sorriest,

most pathetic group
of mothers...

I have ever had
the honor of commanding,

and I'll never
forget you.

Music.

Doors.

All right, ladies,
take no prisoners

or personal checks.

Dick, are you mad at me?

No.
- Lately you get this weird grin,

like you're hiding something.
It's not about art class, is it?

Art class? Why, no,
I don't care about art.

Let's not forget what one of the
great thinkers of the 20th century said..

"art is no damn good."

What great thinker said that?
- Jesse helms.

Besides, I've made
a command decision.

We're not going to art class
anymore. It's not productive.

We've experienced it.
Let's move on.

All Righty.

Permission to speak,
high commander?

What did you say?
- Permission to speak, Dick?

You've never asked
permission to speak before.

I've never had anything
worth saying..but..

Dick, this art thing
means a lot to me,

and I have no idea why.

All I know is that
I like doing it.

So I want to go tomorrow
whether you go or not.

I'm sorry.

There's no need to be sorry
for something you're good at Harry.

You go to class.
- Really?

Ye-es.

If that's what makes you
happy, then I'm happy.

Ohh, thanks, Dick.

Mmm, now there's
the smile I like.

You're soaking wet.

Am I?

You've been acting strangely.
What's wrong?

It's kind of hard
to talk about.

I have this... friend

whose brother Harry is a
much better artist than he is.

Oh, so this is
about you and Harry.

Am I that transparent?

I'm going to tell you
a little story.

My partner
in dance class in college

was a girl named Nadia.

She got all the leads,
all the attention.

People would
call her lithe,

willowy, leggy.

I rehearsed with her.

I showed her a tremendous
amount of support.

I went to all
the recitals.

She'd leap and twirl
on the stage,

exuding this incredible
sensual grace,

while I sat there,
a frozen smile on my face,

loathing her
for my own inadequacies.

Well, you have
any pictures of her?

That's not the point.

The thing
I came to realize

was that she
needed me there.

My support inspired
her to dance.

That was enough for you?
- Well, look at the "Mona Lisa."

She never picked up
a paintbrush,

and yet she inspired the most
famous painting in the world.

So it's like whistler and his mother.
- Exactly.

Van Gogh and his potato eaters.
- Yes.

Michelangelo
and his, uh...

ceiling full of naked guys
trying to touch fingers.

More or less.
- Inspiration.

Yes.
- Yes!

Thank you!
Thank you!

That little story
really helped me. Thank you!

Sure.

Oh, and by the way, I
love your stubby little legs.

Harry, were
your parents artistic?

Not really. My mother was a cold receptacle,

and my father
was just a machine.

Well, we all have
our baggage.

But don't forget,
out of suffering

comes creativity.

You can't spell "painting"
without "pain.

Mmm...or "ting.

Oh, Dick, you came.

Are you going to paint?
- Even better.

I now accept the fact that I
do not have artistic talent,

like you, like Harry.

I know now that
I will never be able

to be a part
of a class like this,

but Dr. Albright
has made me see

the joy that I can take
in inspiring other people.

No, I will never be
an artist,

but I can make
a great subject.

Prepare to meet...

your muse!

Oh, great...

I'm gonna need
more pink.

You're telling me

Dr. Solomon
posed for this?

Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

Mmm, well, hello,
Dr. Solomon.

Well, hello, Nina!

Well, I'll leave
you three alone.

Oh! This is wonderful.

I really did inspire
you, didn't I?

Yes. - You know, the whole time
I was standing there,

I kept thinking about
how you inspired Nadia.

Whatever happened to her?
- Alcoholic,

trailer park,
seven kids.

No, it really
is a shame.

What do you call it?

"Middle-aged naked guy
who can't paint."

Leading that bake sale
was exhilarating.

Those women were crying
out for leadership.

You know, over half this
planet's population is female.

If I could just
harness their power,

we could easily turn men
into a slave race.

Or maybe just talk hair.

You know, I've discovered

that here on earth
every human has

his own talents
and his own flaws.

The smart ones have learned
to use their talents,

but the happy ones

have learned
to accept their flaws.

I know I've accepted mine.

Permission to mention
your receding hairline, sir?

Permission denied.

Well, here's my latest
painting. It's a still life.

That's very interesting.
- And very dark.

It's a bunch
of rotten fruit.

Yeah, I really got
to learn to paint faster.