All language subtitles for 3rd_Rock_from_the_Sun-1x10

You notice how this James
Brown is always getting somewhere?

He's getting up,
getting down, getting back.

We should contact him.. I mean, as part of
our mission to study life on this planet.

Yes, but according to this,
he's more of a machine,

a sex machine.

Oh, look!
It's the campus police.

Is there some kind of problem?
- Ooh, actually, yes.

There's a star missing
right there.

And we think
we know who did it.

This is your family?
- Why, yes.

That's exactly
what we were going for.

Sally's the woman. I'm the tall,
dashing man. Tommy is the adolescent.

And Harry is...
the funny looking one.

I'm gonna have to see
your driver's license, please.

Why? We're not driving.
We're parked.

Yeah, but you're parked
on university property.

Oh, I am university property.

Here's my photo I.D.

It's just my head,
but I assure you

the rest of me is
anatomically correct.

Well, Dr. Solomon,
it's 2:00 A.M.

So, let's pack this up and move it out.
- Right away.

Dick, what's
a driver's licence?

It must be some kind
of human validation.

We should get one if we're going to blend in.
- I'm on it.

Listen.
It's that guy again.

God, it's amazing. How does he
sing like that?

Dick, remember how I said
I wanted to learn to sing?

I've changed my mind.

As many intelligent people know..

.. aliens are all around us.

This is the story of four
such explorers.

Where are you?

Very well, I can wait.

You're not watching me.
I'm not watching you.

You're somewhere
in the room, I can feel it.

Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
- Yah!

What is it, Nina?
- Here's the mail.

Oh, it's a letter
for Dr. Albright.

She'll hold this
in her delicate hand,

insert a finger and rip
through the mucilage.

She's just wonderful.

I knew you had
a thing for her.

Yes, but I understand I'm
not allowed to show it to her

without her permission.

Good morning,
Dr. Albright.

Good morning, Dr. Albright.
- Good morning.

Dr. Solomon, I was just thinking of you.
- You were?

Yes. I have a meeting with the
rules committee on Friday night,

and I just can't make it.

It's too late
to try and get out of it now,

unless you can talk
some idiot into replac..

oh.

You look wonderful. Is that a new jacket?
- I'm entirely new.

Everyone on the rules committee
wants to meet you. - Really?

Oh we all think of you as the resident genius.

oh please, I need you
to substitute for me.

You need me?
I never dreamed

that I would be
the man you needed.

I need you desperately.

Let me know if it's going
to get any deeper.

I'm wearing
open-Toed shoes.

I'm not prepared.
- It's a dull, mindless group.

It's "the night
of the teaching dead."

Maybe I can shake things up
with some fresh ideas.

No one there would recognize a
fresh idea if it bit them on the ass.

Just pass these out
for me, please.

All right,
I'll do it.

Oh, thanks.
You've saved me.

Well, I am a manly man.

Well done.
- Another five minutes,

and he would have
given me a kidney.

Next!

I can't believe how much we have
to go through to get a licence.

Yeah. Then why
are we here?

Because I want one.
If I have to be the woman,

I'm not about to be stuck at home.
- Mm-hmm.

"Stay behind orange line".

That's why nobody
ever gets to the window.

Hey, let's pull up
the slack here.

Oh! There must be some sort of

flesh-melting force field
at the orange line.

Next!
- No-Ooo!

I'm sorry.

You know, cars must have some
huge power we haven't discovered yet.

Look at this.. the lines,
the waiting, the testing.

Can you imagine what you must
have to go through to get a gun?

Next!

What is it they don't get?
That woman says "next".

The first person
goes to the window.

The second person moves to
the orange line, becoming first.

The third person becomes second,
and the rest of us pull up the slack!

There are just too many
gaps in this line.

We should each only be a
single person-thickness apart.

Good point.

I think everyone
should hear it.

You think so?

Okay, people, listen up
and nobody gets hurt!

Tommy, have you been sitting
in that same chair all day?

Hmm, let me think
about this one...Yeah!

You're supposed to be
experiencing human adolescent behavior.

Well, as an adolescent,
everything annoys me,

especially the sound
of your voice right now.

Nothing. - yes you did.

I did not.
- Don't try to blame it on me.

Did you get your license?
- We were thrown out.

On the bright side,
we did outrun the police.

What went wrong?

Everything. What do people have to do
on this planet to get what they want?

Today Dr. Albright wanted
something from me. All she did was ask.

What did she say?
- She said she needed my help

and I looked wonderful
and I'm a genius.

She said that?
- About you?

Yes.
- And you bought it?

Well, I am the high commander.

Wait a minute, something about
this doesn't wash.

She's doing something.

Now I remember,
I read about this.

She's distorting
the truth.

Dr. Albright would
never lie to me.

Ohh wake up and snort
the coffee.

Just because you don't lie
doesn't mean people here don't.

We're colleagues.
I trust her.

I command you
to be more like her.

Like what?
- Like a woman.

Fine. I can woman.
- Good.

Commander, permission to speak freely?
- Granted.

As the oldest member of
this crew, I feel it's my duty

to inform you all that
this planet both

wipes and sucks...
in that order.

What is your problem?

Something's wrong.
My transfer's not holding.

I'm growing hair,
and my armpits smell,

and there's a constant
circus in my pants.

Aw, our old man
is becoming a boy.

No, no I'm serious.
The seal's broken,

and I'm losing oil.
Look at this.

ooh! What is it?

It's a nipple.

What am I going to do about it?
- I don't know,

but until we figure it out, maybe
you should sleep in the shower.

Gentlemen, we have a guest
member of the rules

committee
with us tonight.

Dr. Solomon, would you
care to share with us

some of Dr. Albright's feelings?
- Oh, yes, of course.

Well, first, on behalf
of Dr. Albright,

I would like to say welcome
to this big waste of time.

I'd say I've always wanted
to put a face with those men

whom she
affectionately calls

"the night of
the teaching dead".

And may I say you
do not disappoint.

I can tell at a glance that you
indeed are a mindless and dull group.

So, I would like to start
with a fresh idea

that you won't recognise
when it bites you on the ass.

Excuse me, does Dr. Albright
know you're speaking on her behalf?

Don't move!
Stay where you are!

Dr. Solomon..
- Freeze! He's still there!

Oh! You have
a mole.

A big, ugly mole.

Well, you're in early.

Dr. Byron told me about
your little speech.

Sorry I missed it.

Rest assured,
I gave you full credit.

What the hell are you trying to do?
Ruin me?

It will take me weeks to
repair the damage left in your wake.

Weeks.

All you had to do was
show up and feign interest.

Feign? I will not be
a party to feigning.

I always tell
the complete truth.

The truth? Then I will be brutally Frank.

Good, I'll be
genuine Dick.

I thought, foolishly,

this would be a good opportunity
for my colleagues to get to know you.

No one wanted to meet you.
I made that up.

So you lied?

I was bending the truth to
flatter you. There's a difference.

Oh I see. So when we met, you
said you were pleased to meet me.

Was that a lie or "truth-bending"?
- "Figure of speech".

And when you said you were impressed
with my r�sum�? - "Light conversation".

When I moved in, you said you
didn't mind sharing your office?

"Diplomacy".
Anything else?

Yes, is that really the color of your hair?
- Absolutely!

You're upset,
aren't you?

Tell the truth.
- Yes.

I thought I could
trust you. I can't.

Trust me? You're the one
who lied and tricked me.

No. It's not how you
lie to trick someone.

First, you start by.. you
have something on your tie.

Ah-ha, very clever.

Yes, I see how that works. You
have something on your shoulder.

That's not how it works.
This is how it works.

Your shirt tail's on fire.
That's how.

Your blouse
is on fire.

Stop.. get
your hands off me!

Don't move!

Whyyy!

That was my fly.

I know.

On the subject
of universal truth,

Albert Einstein
once said..

any thoughts on that?

Anyone? Yes, Caryn.

Dr. Solomon, I think
you were speaking German.

Er yes, German.
Einstein spoke German.

Okay, I'll simplify.

"Scientific proof is nothing
more than conditional truth".

We all understand
what truth is, don't we?

Now, I have three of
Einstein's equations on the board.

Two of them are false,
and one is true.

Who can spot the true one? Anyone?

How many of you think
it's number one?

I'll give you a hint:
it's not number one.

Here's another hint:
it's not number two.

How many of you think
it's number three?

Well, you're wrong.
I lied. I made them all up!

You see, lying
accomplishes nothing.

You can't trust
someone who lies.

You work with them. You think you
know them. They ask you to substitute.

You make a fool of yourself. They get mad.

And your sister can't even
get a driver's licence.

Dr. Solomon, is this
going to be on the final?

The point I'm making is,

you have to tell
the absolute truth,

or else you just end up
confusing people.

But, Dr. Solomon, sometimes
you just can't tell the truth.

But why not?
Anyone?

Leon, I'm going to
ask you a question,

and I want you to tell me
the complete truth.

This won't affect
my grade?

Absolutely not.
What do you think of me?

Uh... you make me
really nervous.

I don't know what's
going on half the time,

and when you walk around
the room, I'm always afraid

you're going to hit me
in the back of the head.

Thank you.
There, you see...the truth.

By the way, Leon,
you're failing.

I thought you said it wouldn't affect my grade.
It didn't.

Anybody home?
Anyb-- Oh, hi.

I brought you folks
your extra key.

Yeah, right.
Good excuse.

You just wanted to come up
here and stare at pimple boy.

You poor kid. I remember
how it feels to be your age.

Yeah, I remember how it feels
to be your age.

Listen, I'm going to go out and get some
smokes. You want to take a ride?

Yeah, whatever.

It's really not fair. I can
grow a pimple but not a mustache.

What's your secret?

Solomon, Sally.
- Here.

You failed the written exam.
Come back in three weeks.

I can't come back.
I can't.

Sorry, those are the rules.
- I need a licence now.

I'm the woman.

I really need your help.

You must be a genius.

Your line is so big,
but it moves so fast.

Well, I do my best.

There's got to be
some way you can help me.

I mean, I know you have
a heart in that..

big,hairy,
wonderful chest of yours.

I bet pretty girls
beg you all the time, huh?

Okay, you can take
the test again.

Thank you.

I could get
very good at this.

Hey, what did you put
under "weight"?

Tommy, are you all right?
Where have you been?

The mall, Dick.
I was at the mall.

It may be the most
emotionally satisfying place

I've ever been.

Were you able to observe
other life-forms?

Definitely.
Everybody there

was as oily
and disgusting as me.

It was a food court
of mutants,

a catalog of horrors,
a freak show,

and I was
their lizard king.

Oh. What do you do
when you're there?

Hang.
- What do you see?

Stuff.

I belong now.

Oh, yeah, stay out
of my room!

Dick? Dick, look,

I got my driver's licence.

According to this, you're a
55-year-old, 300-pound Asian woman.

And an organ donor.

Dick, I got
my driver's permit, too.

Yes, I expected you would.

I just want to say that I
not only accomplished my goal,

but... I've discovered

a softer place
within myself,

and it is all because of you and
your extraordinary ability to command.

Thank you, lieutenant.
- You have so many facets to admire,

time prohibits
my naming them all.

Shall I speak
of your courage,

how you've led a ragtag crew
of misfits across the galaxies,

fueled by
your brave spirit?

Or shall I confess
that your boyish good looks

are stunted only
by your personal bigness?

Oh, where to begin simply exhausts
my feminine mind.

What are you doing?
- Lying.

You like it?
- It's incredible.

I love it!
- Really?

Yes! How did you do it?
- Anybody can do it.

Look at me, I've just done it once,
and here I am, whipping it out there.

I thought the truth
was potent,

but it's nothing
compared to this.

This makes me feel
powerless and susceptible,

and ready to yield
to your every..

I've got to find
Dr. Albright.

This is Wednesday. She
calls it "over the hump day".

I don't know what that means
, but I know where she humps.

Tommy, we're going out.

I'll drive.
- No, I'll drive.

Dick...

Harry called it.

Shotgun.
- I don't want to ride in the back.

Dr. Albright, hello.

Hello. Sorry we don't
have a chair for you.

Not a problem.

You know Dr. Byron.
- Yes, of course.

You really should have that thing
removed. It's all I can look at.

Excuse me.
- I--

looks like there's
just the two of us.

I'll have a pitcher
of that stuff.

May I see your driver's license?
- You bet you can.

Okay, Mrs. Wu.

I discovered something today,
and I really need to try it out.

Thorazine.
I'll get you some water.

You see, you know
these things.

You're so smart,
and your...

your looks..
your looks are like...

a beer tap,

a golden rush of drunken
beauty with a nice head

which spills
all down your blouse,

leaving you sweet
and pungent.

That was pathetic.

Well, I'm sorry I'm not
as good a liar as you are.

Well, I'm sorry.
I'm leaving.

Wait! You're not
finished with me yet!

Do you mind?
We're talking.

Okay, you win.

What is it?
- I've realized something.

I can't lie to you.
I wish I could.

It's just not something that
I'm good at, like.. like...

actually, I'm good
at everything.

Can I tell you the truth?
- Why not?

The real truth is,

you're delightful.

I love looking
into your face.

I don't know what it is
about you this evening,

maybe it's the way the light
hits your eyes, maybe it's the wine,

but you look puffy.. you
should go home and sleep.

There.
Is that better?

Sadly, yes.

May I walk you home?
And be honest.

Okay.

You know, if someone
had told me a year ago

that I'd be
driving a car

and sucking the flesh
off a dead bird,

I'd have
called 'em a liar.

Being human is far more
complex than I thought.

There is no absolute
personal truth here,

and these bodies don't come
with an owner's manual.

So every day these people
have to make up life,

and truth becomes
highly individual.

Oh, my god, Dick,

what if this lying thing falls
into the hands of the politicians?

Ooh, that's
a horrifying thought.

I think these humans
bend the truth

because this is
a difficult place to live.

It's a lonely blue dot

on the far end
of the galaxy.

And all the half-truths
and flattery and diplomacy

are the lubricant that
people spread on each other

to get over
the rough spots.

It's a lot easier on our
planet. No one ever lies.

Except, of course, when you
don't want to help somebody move.

I was sick that day.
- I helped you move.

I had two boxes.

Who packed the boxes?
okay, listen, if we're gonna...