All language subtitles for 3rd_Rock_from_the_Sun-1x06

Aliens are all around us.

This is the story of a band
of four such explorers.

In order to blend in they
have assumed human form.

This is the high commander.

He has assembled an elite team of experts.

A decorated military officer.

A seasoned intelligent specialist.

And...well, they had an extra seat.

They say Earth started
with just two humans.

Now there
are five billion.

Somebody needs to
turn a hose on them.

And the
winning lottery numbers are:

2, 21... - Uh-huh.
51...- Yes. 9, 27... and 48.

We won again!

Ah! That was fun.

A dollar well spent.

If luck were money, we'd be rich.
- Yes.

Hey, look at them.

They're not kissing.
They're not groping. They're...

ooh, I know this.

Cuddling, cuddling
is interesting.

It's both romantic
and sexual.

Yes, but it's
more than that.

It implies an intimate
relationship.

How do you establish
that with a woman?

Why are you
looking at me?

Because you're the woman.
- Yeah, for two whole months,

but I haven't even figured
out how to take off my bra yet.

I want a hug.

I want to hug Dr. Albright.
I want to hug her right now.

She's not here.
- I'm going to have to hug somebody.

It's just not
the same with you.

Well my heart wasn't
in it, either.

I just let you do it
'cause you're high commander.

I feel... so cheap.

Dick, I can't take
this housework anymore.

I was put on this mission
because of my military skills.

These hands are
lethal weapons,

but now they're all red and
dry from harsh detergents.

Stop complaining. Your
assignment is to be the woman,

just like Tommy's assignment
is to study earth culture.

Right, and I'm on it.
That's why I'm reading

"Betty and veronica's
summer fun."

My god! These are
high school girls?

Okay, you guys,
I was out walking

and someone started
following me.

Oh, my god.
- He's in the living room.

You let him in our home?
- Well, yeah.

He might be worth studying.
Come on in!

Aw!
- Oh!

What a good little man.

Harry, that's a dog.

You know, you are just
so quick to label.

He's so huggable.
"oh mama".

I've got to get to the
office and Dr. Albright.

What are you going
to do?

Well, I'm going to start,
by establishing communication.

Oh, have a seat, my friend.
There.

What's he trying to say?
- He said that lassie's a guy.

Good morning, Dr. Albright.

Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
I have your physics book.

Oh, thank you.

Oh! Please don't do that.
I'm not much of a hugger.

Oh.

Look who I found
wandering down the halls.

Mary.
- Oh, my god! Oh!

Oh..er...Dr Richard Solomon.

this is Dr. Jeff Willis,
my old dear friend.

Hi. Actually, Mary and I
used to share this office.

Among other things.
- Nina.

So, what brings
you to town?

A book signing.
My novel's been published.

"Echoes of my stepfather."

Yes.

You've finally finished.
Oh, it's wonderful!

Oh!
- Mmm!

Oh! I've got
to get to class.

Listen, We have got to get
together and catch up.

You got it.
- Call me.

Oh!
- Oh!

Oh!

She is something else.

Hmm, I can't believe
how good you look.

You still playing racquetball?
- Every day.

Ooh! I love it!

I love it more!

You don't play
racquetball.

Poor, sweet, misguided, amnesiac Nina,
of course I do.

I've got some time to kill.
I'd love to play.

I've got some time to play
I'd love to kill.

Can I help you?
- No, thanks. Just looking.

Hey! It says "men"
on the door.

And you made the cut?

Ooh, Sally.
Dick.

Okay, here's everything you need
to know about racquetball.

Oh thanks for bringing
this, lieutenant.

Well, I found myself starting to
talk to the scrubbing bubbles,

so I figured
I better take a walk.

This is Newtonian physics...
trajectory and velocity.

An imbecilic baby
could do it.

Well, I'm off
to the games.

Play fiercely and annihilate your opponent.

As it always was
and always will be.

Hey...

it's dry already.
Put your shorts on.

I won! ..I won!

I won!

Did you hear the news?
I won.

Congratulations, Dick.
- That was so easy.

You offered me
no challenge at all.

Yeah, I was kind of
off my game.

Off your game? You played like a little girl.

Too bad Mary wasn't
here to see it.

That reminds me, I gotta run.
I'm meeting her for lunch.

Well, I hope you
two girls have fun.

Why am I so hostile
to this Jeff person?

He's never done
anything to me.

In fact, he seems like a
perfectly tolerable... twit.

But for some reason,

I hate him just because Dr. Albright
likes him. Why?

It's called jealousy Dick.

It's what happens to moose
when Reggie flirts with midge.

If you'd read a little,
you'd know something about this.

I don't have time to read.
Lieutenant, get out here.

I have a new assignment for you.
- Yes? Finally.

I want you to find out what
makes a man so irresistible,

that a woman has no
interest in any other man.

That's still a chick job.

Yes...but it's also a chick job to
help the high commander score.

You want to know about love?
I'll show you love.

Scruffy, come here.
Come here.

Oh, see? He loves me for no reason.

He lives just to bask in the light
of my smile.

And the best thing is,
we both scare the mailman.

Why can't Dr. Albright leap into my lap
and lick my face?

Well, some breeds are
more skittish than others.

You two were
here last night.

Miss?

Miss!

You're obviously in some sort of
relationship. Why'd you pick this guy?

What's that supposed to mean?
- Hey, I'm talking to the lady.

He's not terribly attractive.
He's got bad taste in clothes.

Even I can tell he doesn't know what he's doing.
- I wouldn't say--

ah! It's the car,
isn't it?

No!

Yes, it's the car.

Thank you.

What are you doing?
- Tempting you with the great taste of bacon.

I'm going to take
these folders in to Nina,

and when I come back,
you'll be gone.

Hi. Mary here?

Uh, no, she just
left for Cleveland.

Oh look, she's back.

What are you doing here?
- I'm on my way to a meeting, but

I wanted to stop off
and give you a present.

Ohhhh

"Thanks for bugging me
to write my book."....Oh Jeff.

It's a thimble.
I collect them.

It's an ancient Ukrainian
quilting thimble,

there's some writing. I didn't
have time to get it translated.

Well, you've been
so busy with the book.

Speaking of time,
don't you have a meeting?

Right.
I gotta go. Bye.

Oh!
- Ohhhhhh!

Damn,
they did it again!

Oh!

I'm going to have to find
someone who can translate Ukrainian.

Ah, that's not Ukrainian.
It's Turkish.

Look, there's a
diacritical mark over the "O."

Well, what does it mean?

"May these always point me
toward the spoils of war".

This isn't a thimble.
It's Turkish nipple armour.

Well, it's...very valuable

Well, especially
if you have a pair.

Ohhhh...... Don't tell Jeff.

This will be our secret.
- Yes, our secret.

It will be something
Jeff will never have.

Well, it's the thought
that counts.

This must have been
very expensive.

Oh, so you like
expensive things?

No.......Some of my favorite things
in life cost nothing..

a picnic on a sunny day,

a lovely poem
read aloud,

watching my friends fail.

Well, I have
a marvelous idea.

I'll write a poem about
your friends failing,

and read it to you aloud on a sunny picnic.

That sounds wonderful.
- How about Saturday afternoon?

Why not?

I have a date.

Jeff doesn't
have a date...

but I have a date.

Yes!

"Women who run
with the wolves,"

"women who love too much,"
"women who love too fast,"

"women who love to read about
women who love too much and too fast."

Oh, my god.

Excuse me.

You two have been
together, what, 100, 150 years?

42 this April.

42 years.
Impressive.

You must have known he was
something really special, huh?

Tell me, why'd you pick him?

Well, he was very sweet,....
and affectionate.

He had a real flair
for romance.

It was the car,
wasn't it?

That was the clincher.

Oh finally. Did you get 'em?
- Yes.

Permission to speak freely, sir?
- Yeah, sure.

You and I have flown
a lot of missions together.

If you asked me to put out
the sun with my bare hands,

I would,
no questions asked.

But if you ever send me out
in broad daylight

to pick up a bunch of
women's magazines again,

I will kill you.

This may sound
silly to you,

but I have a date
with Dr. Albright,

and I want to be sure to say the
right thing. Now help me out here.

Dick, they're pointless.
They're mind-altering.

They impose arbitrary
standards on women.

It's like propaganda for
some sort of estrogen cult.

Just read.

Okay.

Okay, here's a topic.
You could discuss biology.

Why?
- According to a recent survey,

7 out of 10 women
have multiple organisms.

You have to.
- Harry: no, you're not the boss of me.

You have to.
Check to the lease.

What's the problem?
- Mrs. Dubcek doesn't like scruffy.

The lease says no pets.

But he's so cute. - No! I'm allergic
to dogs.

My throat closes off
and I can't breathe.

But he's so cute.
- No! I can't breathe.

No, no. Sorry.
No, the pooch cannot stay.

But he's so cute!
- Noooo !

That's too bad, Harry.

I guess you know
what you have to do.

Yes, scruffy and I
must kill Mrs. Dubcek...

and hide her body
under the floorboards.

Wh...what are you doing here?
- We're going on our picnic.

Didn't you get my message?
- No. Why?

Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. I had to cancel.

Cancel?
- Well, it's Jeff's book signing party.

But you don't understand.
I beat him in racquetball.

I can't miss it. He
dedicated his novel to me.

Oh, no, you
can't miss that.

Why don't you come?

Come? oh no, I've got
things to do.

I have to take my black
forest ham, my wheel of Brie,

my Cabernet sauvignon,
my Limoges trivet,

throw them in the front
yard and set them ablaze

in a big bonfire
as a tribute

to Jeff's book signing!

Excuse me, I'm looking
for Jeff Willis.

He's with his publicist.
He'll be out shortly.

Are you a friend?

Ah Yes. I'm very close
to the steaming pustule.

Harry, I've solved
your problem.

This young lady needs
a dog for her little girl.

Oh, he's perfect.

hmm, no. Scruffy's not about
to ruin his life,

by running off with some
blonde he met at a cocktail party.

The man of the hour.

Oh, god.
- You think you're pretty clever, don't you?

I happen to know that
every word in your book

was published years ago!

Perhaps you've read
the dictionary.

You invited me.
This is your fault.

Jeff Willis,

I challenge you for the
hand of the woman we both love!

Emily, I knew you
were cheating on me.

No. He's lying,
I swear.

You love her?
- My own wife?

So you love her?
- I've never seen this man before in my life.

Lay off her, Jeff. I'm the one that's
been sleeping with your wife, Okay?

My own brother?

One answer, and I'll get
out of your way. You love her?

And you know what?
The sex is great.

You satanic bastard.

You fraud!

What an interesting family.
- Look what you've done.

This is very hard
for you, isn't it?

It's the hardest thing
I've had to do

in my entire time
on this planet.

Scruffy, come here.

You're getting
on my nerves, mutt.

So take a hike.

Go with the kid.

I'm bad news, junior.
I'm trouble, I tell ya.

Just go!

Oh.
Who am I kidding?

Well, would you like to walk
him over to our place?

Oh, sure.

Harry, you can come over

and play with scruffy
anytime you want to.

Really?
- Yeah, we'd love it.

After my ex-husband,

it's a pleasure to meet a man
who's so caring.

Oh.

Jeff's brother needs his jaw wired,
I hope you're proud of yourself.

You're mad at me.
That's fine, I'm mad at you.

Why are you mad at me?

You're the expert.
You tell me.

Dr. Solomon, what do
you want from me?

I want...

I want to be
your boyfriend.

Oh.
- Are you surprised?

To be honest....not really.

Well, then what's
the problem?

Well...honestly, there's
something about you..

that... seems odd.

It's as if you were out of sync
with every other person on the planet.

How can that be? Every day
I go out of my way to do things

that appear normal.

What you just said,
that's not normal.

What else?
- Well, you...

you act as if you're feeling
everything for the first time.

You have no control
over your emotions.

You tried to feed me
doggy treats.

And?

You're moving
way too fast.

Whatever is going
to happen between us,

let's let it
evolve naturally.

All right, I can
go along with that.

Good.
- Why don't we shake on it?

Why don't we hug on it?
- No, that's too..

Dr. Albright, please?

You don't know how
important this hug is to me.

It would give my life a degree of
meaning that I've only dreamed of.

All right.

No, I can't hug
under this pressure.

Try.

There.

That's all
I was asking for.

I want to have
your baby.

You know, jealousy
defies all logic.

Jeff's a nice person.

Dr. Albright's
a nice person.

But... the thought
of them being

happy together
just made me crazy.

You think that's bad?

Clark Kent gets jealous
because Lois lane likes superman.

Now, that is crazy.

Dick, you know,
I finally figured out

what women really
want in a man.

They want him to drive
a big, powerful vehicle.

You're saying I should
be a bus driver?

Hey, you'll be beating
them off with a stick.

Dick, if you want to know how to
get what you want from the ladies,

the answer is simple.
- What?

Get a dog.

Wait--
- Harry, you didn't--?

No.