Original subtitles

*THE GRAND TOUR* Season 03 Episode 07.

Hello!

Hello, everybody!

Hel-lo!

Thank you so much.

Thank you, everybody.

Wow!

Noisy bunch.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you, thank you, and welcome.

And in this week's show:

Loch...

Scot...

and two smoking Beamers.

Now...

Thanks, everybody, thank you, thank you.

Now, I wanna begin by talking about money.

Bear with us on this one.

You see, if you'd put £35,000

in a saving account in the year 2000,

you'd now have around £60,000.

However, if you'd put that same £35,000

into an E-Type Jaguar,

you'd now have £100,000.

Yeah, just about everything even remotely rare or interesting

is worth a fortune these days.

Aston Martin DB5, that'll cost you £750,000.

Ferrari Daytona, £600,000.

A pagoda roof Mercedes SL, that'll set you back at least 75 grand now.

Yeah, it's not just exotic cars either.

Ford Escort Mexico, OK? A hum-drum car.

That's a £60,000 thing these days.

- 60 grand! - Yeah, it is.

However, there are one or two rare and interesting cars

that seem to have slipped through the net,

whose prices haven't yet gone through the ceiling.

So we decided to get out there and see

which of us was best at spotting that investment opportunity.

Exactly. So we each bought a classic car.

And then to see which one of us had got the best deal,

we took The Grand Tour to what one of our producers,

who's Scottish, always says is the best,

most beautiful place on earth:

Scotland.

We chose, for our meeting point,

a quaint fishing port near Inverness.

And I was the first to arrive,

in an Alfa Romeo GTV6.

Now...

you would imagine that when one of these

comes onto the market,

classic car enthusiasts are running around

like they're in a zombie movie and it's Black Friday.

But, no.

I bought this from an 83-year-old man...

who'd had it since new and was only selling it

cos his 84-year-old wife

found it so difficult to get in and out of, "you know".

It's only done 26,000 miles.

And yet it cost £10,000.

And £10,000 - that's a round of drinks

in the world where this sort of thing belongs.

Oh, hello.

James May in a Lancia Gamma Coupe.

That's one of the prettiest cars ever made, but don't tell him I said that.

Morning, May.

- How much? - £13,500.

Oh, £3,500 more...

than I paid for this vastly superior Alfa Romeo.

Well, £13,500 is a bargain

for a car that is coach-built and extremely rare

and beautiful.

But it isn't exotic like this is.

What do you mean, it's not exotic? Okay.

May I just talk you through some of this car's features, yes?

Transaxle, gearbox at the back,

twin-plate clutch, disks all round, unusual at the time.

One of the best engines ever made, two-and-a-half litre V6.

Those aren't my words, by the way, they are

the words of James May in Car Magazine.

- Yes, I did say that. I do. - You love this engine.

And this has won the European Touring Car Championship

four years on the trot, it won the British Touring Car Championship.

This has got race breeding as well.

- What, the Gamma? - It's a Lancia!

They're the most successful rallying team in history.

Not my words, the words of Jeremy Clarkson.

And that is a better-looking car.

- What, than this? - Yes!

- It is... superbe. - It's not "superbe".

I tell you what's not superb.

Richard Hammond arriving in a Fiat X19.

How much?

£2,250.

Somebody saw you coming, Hammond.

What? For a baby Ferrari, two thousand...

- Did you just call it a baby Ferrari? - He did.

Because it is. Mid-engined, Italian, it's exactly what it is.

- Ooh, listen to that sound. - I know.

That is the reassuring sound of tin on Russian steel.

It's a light, bright, effervescent sound, just like the car.

How many colours has this car been?

It was black, then it was red,

then it was white, then it was pale blue, and now it's purple.

I'd like to add, actually,

it's not, "How many colours has this car been?"

- How many cars has this been? - Well, quite.

- It's now going brown. - Brown, yeah.

All right, then. I'm not gonna turn around.

I'll try and work out which Alfa you've bought.

- Da-nah, the best Alfa. - Oh, it's a GTV6.

- Exactly! - Yeah.

Why has it got this plastic bit in the middle of the bonnet?

Genius. The engine in this car had a small issue.

It used to backf- ... well, front-fire, actually,

and blow the top off the engine, yeah?

So that would damage the bonnet.

So they put this plastic panel, which was easier to replace.

Why didn't they stop it backfiring?

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

- They were... busy. - Lazy.

- Can I just ask? - Hmm?

What's that broom handle thing for?

Uh! Well, now this is another characteristic of the GTV6

is that when you park up, you need to keep the clutch pedal

depressed using a broom handle like that.

- Right. - Otherwise the clutch and the flywheel

- will fuse together. - I see.

I used to own one of these, there's not a lot I don't know about it.

Yeah. When you used to own one of these, how did you find the gear change?

Um... smooth, snicky.

- No, it wasn't, was it? - No, those aren't quite the right words.

Terrible. What about second?

Yeah, second...

- I don't know, I never found it. - No, exactly!

Yes, let's not get bogged down with some of the Alfa's minor design flaws.

- Disasters. - Because

all three of us have got classic cars.

- I have, yes. - For good money.

- Mm-hmm. - We're in Scotland.

So why don't we take them on a drive in...

Well, let's be honest, Scotland is just a road trip.

I agree. We could, while we're here, we could do the NC500.

Which, I mean, that is sup...

Voted by Condé Nast Traveller magazine...

voted it the best road trip in the world.

It's got lochs, mountains, it's just...

- All the pretty bits, yeah. - ..I mean,

It's all the best bits of Scotland, right, - Yeah.

500 miles round the north coast of Scotland.

- In Italian exotic cars. - - Oh,

- hang on. Text. - What?

Yeah? Mr Wilman.

Mr Wilman.

It says:

"Those cars will not do 500 yards, leave alone 500 miles."

So I've provided three backup vehicles which you can use

to get home when they go wrong and catch fire.

"And explode."

- I was wondering what they were. - Funny.

How did he know we were going to do 500 miles?

That's a good point, actually, cos Hammond's only just suggested it.

How did he know that? How did he get three bicycles...

Putting Mr Wilman's psychic powers to one side,

we climbed aboard...

and set off into the giant oil painting

that is Scotland.

Oh.

This isn't exactly like the tourist authority would have you believe, is it?

It doesn't look like it looks

on the shortbread tins.

This render that they put on everything is

like a sort of batter for houses, isn't it?

Batter!

"I've battered my house."

You can see why they want to be independent,

can't you? Get away from us lot.

Well, you wouldn't want people coming in and messing all this up, would you?

I used to have a fiercely Scottish neighbour in London.

Why would a Scottish person go and live in London?

I dunno, because he'd do anything for Scotland.

Well, except live there.

Was he called Sean Connery?

Eventually, we cleared the fishing port

and found ourselves on the open road,

where we could get down to the business

of enjoying our pedigree Italian classics.

And the Fiat.

My car is just so refined and sophisticated.

And in fact, really well looked after by its previous owner.

It was obviously loved and...

One of my windscreen wipers just fell off.

Oh, dear!

- He can't get out. - I can't get out.

We can only just lift it up, there you go.

You just have to drive like that.

James, can I just say, you've done three miles.

There, it's mended for now. Don't turn it on again.

Just turn it on, I want to see what happens.

OK.

Ready?

- In Scotland? - In Scotland, you won't need it,

- that's the thing. - Perfect.

Cos it never rains.

Right, now we're alone, viewers,

I can reveal that that windscreen wiper incident is really a bit of an aside

compared with some of the other problems this car has.

Most of these relate to the engine.

In particular, the way Lancia mounted

the power steering pump on the end of one of the cam shafts.

Basically, you can't really use full lock,

especially when the engine's cold, otherwise the engine will explode.

The thermostat was fitted in the wrong place,

which leads to overheating, very suddenly

and then the engine can explode.

And there were some problems with the gasket materials,

which causes the coolant to mix with the oil

with engine-exploding sort of results, really.

James, I heard Wednesdays can cause your car to explode.

So you need to be careful tomorrow.

Proximity to trees, lakes, grass,

heather, grouse, or tartan.

All those things cause it to explode, I'm sure.

Look, I'm sitting here trying to explain to the viewers

why the engine might explode and I'm constantly

interrupted with your stupid exploding engine jokes.

OK, carry on, but do it quickly before the engine explodes.

Meanwhile, in the GTV6...

Ooh, no, what's that?

That third? Right, good, third.

Fourth? Yeah, fourth.

Or is it fourth or second?

I was getting reacquainted with all the peculiar little foibles.

Driving position's not brilliant.

Pedals are far too close to the seat,

so you have to drive with your legs wide apart.

Not so bad if you're a man.

If you're a girl, though,

trousers is a strategy you need to think about in a morning.

However, despite all the weirdness,

I do still absolutely love this thing.

It was my ownership of a GTV6

that taught me what cars are all about.

You need a personality,

you need flaws for them to be human.

And James May was right for the first time in his life,

and only time in his life:

This is one of the greatest engines ever made.

The creamiest, the smoothest...

and the most beautiful to listen to.

That's not exhaust noise.

That's an actual engine.

As James and I enjoyed our classic thoroughbreds,

Richard was driving along in his purple Fiat.

Unleash 80 horsepower.

Well, I mean, this thing only weighs 960 kilos.

Fiat sold 170,000 X19s,

so this doesn't have rarity like theirs does.

But let's contrast rarity with the opposite, which is popularity.

Cos that's what this car was, immensely popular.

And I have the pop-up head lamps.

Oh, yeah!

I'm gonna pop them down again now.

I can do that whenever I want!

One slight complaint about the Fiat,

the pedals are very, very small and very close together.

And if you try and operate them with, let's say, your feet,

you'll find that your feet are too big.

Really, you just need to use a toe on each.

Soon, Hammond spotted a racetrack

and suggested we have a go on it.

And as we pulled up, it became clear

that tiny pedals weren't his only problem.

That's quite high revs. Yeah, it idles quite high.

- Is that its idle speed? - Yes.

It's keen!

Since this was actually a go-cart track,

it was too narrow for car racing.

So I decided we should have a drifting competition.

Come on, little Fiat.

It doesn't work.

It simply doesn't really have the power to...

throw its tail out properly.

Even though my Alfa had twice the horsepower of the Fiat,

things weren't great for me either.

You can't unstick the tail of a GTV6.

You just can't. Ready?

Just grip and more grip.

I know Roger Moore drifted a GTV6 in Octopussy.

But then he crashed into a fence

and had to dress up as a clown.

In the Gamma, I was confident

I'd succeed where my colleagues had failed.

Right, here we go.

Lancia is one of the greatest names in rallying history,

so a controlled drift should be second nature to this.

As I approach that corner, I'll heel and toe it and...

Hm.

Brake, lift-off.

Nope.

At this point, I suddenly remembered something important.

This is front-wheel drive, isn't it?

What was I thinking of?

It's not gonna drift.

Happily, though, the enthralled local audience were able to find a solution.

What I do is, I take the rear wheels off,

let the tyres down and put these plastic covers on.

Then pump the tyres back up again, put them back on,

that gives the car the loose back end you want to drift.

These are just... this is like putting insulating tape

on the back wheels of your Scalextric cars.

Stand by.

With no help from anyone else on this freezing day,

the drift covers were soon fitted.

Oh, here we go.

Oh!

Right, turn in...

get the drift going, then...

This entertainment went on for quite some time.

No.

Until eventually...

Dab of brakes, in.

- Hold it, hold it! - He turned the steering wheel!

- He turned the steering wheel! - He did a thing to it.

Ye-e-es!

Yes, yes, yes.

This looks like a lot of fun.

We're gonna do that. We've gotta try it.

Oh, no, there's the only set.

What, of those things?

Yeah, they're the only set, so we can't do it.

No, we can... We can make some.

Did you ask if you could borrow this bit?

No, but they won't need it.

- And rotate. - Aaaah...

This goes over.

It'll require a little bit of persuasion.

James May just drifted perfectly behind you.

This is another of those weird days.

With his tyre covers made,

Hammond decided not to hold back.

Oh, this is gonna be...

I mean, seriously, he's gonna get to that corner, then...

Where can the helicopter land?

Here comes a drift, here it comes.

And drifting.

Agh!

Completely out of control.

Let's just try again.

All right, one of them... no, that's fallen off.

That could be interesting.

And I am turning in. Drifting.

Oh, no, I'm, no, there's... I've got steering.

Annoyingly, Hammond's dismal failure didn't stop him

fitting his ridiculous contraptions to my precious Alfa.

And insisting that I have a go.

Think of the trouble Alfa Romeo went to

to make this car exquisite.

Think of the trouble that Pirelli went to

to make the tyres grip properly.

And then along comes Hammond with a bin.

Whatever, here we go.

What was that noise?

Whole car's vibrating.

Yeah, that's a massive vibration.

Hammond, you blithering idiot,

you've totally ruined this car!

An inspection of the undersides revealed some grim news.

That has come off. So the prop shaft is now...

Well, it's still joining the gearbox

or the transaxle to the engine, but by a thread.

And if I did anything more that rev it like that, it's gonna come off.

If I'm driving along, then that's the end of the Alfa.

Well, that's interesting.

Uh... my car's working and I'd like a drink.

The hotel is about 25 miles away.

So, I think I'll get on with it, if you don't mind.

You can't leave... No, you can't leave me now.

What do you mean, I can't leave you now?

Have you seen... Have you seen how cold it is?

I can't see how cold it is,

but I can feel it. No, but, I actually just looked.

"Drizzle 6, feels like 2."

- Well, you know what would warm you up? - What?

A bicycle ride. It always does.

20 miles through this...

freezing middle of nowhere.

Hey, Richard the hamster Hammond, is your car warm and dry?

I'm just checking.

Yeah, I'm warm and dry. You warm and dry?

I'm very warm and dry.

Oh, I meant to ask, would you like a long gin and tonic sitting at a barstool?

Yes. Yes, I would.

And we've only got... Well, it's not far in a car!

Oh, God.

Oh, come on!

Rub it in! Seriously, rub it in!

We're gonna need to rehearse it.

- What? - Well, what we're saying.

Look, so we're on breakfast TV,

- you're on the sofa, yeah? - Oh, OK.

"Good morning and with me is James May..." That's how they speak.

"Who has just learnt of the sad demise"

of his co-host and colleague, Mr Jeremy Clarkson.

James, how do you feel that his body was found

in a ditch with a bicycle this morning?

- Was it? - Yes.

- No, that's not right, is it? Sorry, - No,

- can you do that again? - James.

This is radio, OK? "Good morning, five past nine, James May is with us."

Uh... we only learnt this morning of the sad demise of..."

- Oh, bugger. - What?

All of that rehearsing, mate, waste of time.

Because he's outside right now,

fighting with a bicycle lock by a fence.

Oh, you look cold!

Who's cold?

Oh, **** hell! Why won't this work?

Paperboys can work one of those, mate.

Oh, you can steal it, I don't care.

He's left the key in it. What a muppet.

Oh, God.

Come on.

Hammond!

Hammond!

Hammond!

The next morning, the peaceful stillness

was shattered by the cry of a distressed animal.

Clarkson!

Clarkson!

Where's my roof?

Right.

Bastard!

What was that?

What... Oh, you are joking?

No. No.

No.

He hasn't, he's not that sick.

- Morning. - What?

- Morning. - Yeah, whatever. Oh!

Why have you driven over your own roof?

Clarkson. He's sick.

Enjoy your day on your bicycle!

Bastard.

Well, I'm cold now, obviously.

Borrowed a jacket from a cameraman.

He's six-three and 18 stone.

I'm in a small, stylish, Italian sports car,

supposed to be looking good.

I look like a frostbitten gnome!

Rotten trick, that.

I wouldn't stand for it.

The only thing that worries me is he might get some exercise on his bicycle!

- Ha-ha-ha! - Do you think he's already just become

one of those embittered cyclists

who hates anybody who's got a car?

Oh, jeez.

What?

Oh, come on!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

He did not mend that.

Very good. Now...

I have to say, the only reason why we met

on a beach full of oil rigs and then drove

through a council estate full of hypodermic needles

is to annoy...

Well, simply and only to annoy our Scottish producer.

Yes, but we will not tell you Gav's name, we promise.

No, we won't. We won't say his name.

Anyway, look, it all gets a lot sunnier and prettier in part two,

when we finally get on the North Coast 500

and we'll pick that up later on.

Yes, but now it's time to say hello

to the old lady of debate,

who sits in the bus shelter...

of chat on Conversation Street.

I don't even remember that one.

I don't remember that happening.

Anyway, I wanna stick with the film in Scotland,

if I may, James May, because at one point you said

you put those plastic things on the back wheels of your Lancia

because it was like putting insulating tape on the back wheels of a Scalextric car.

- Yeah. - Who's ever done that?

Well, I have.

Yes, but you said it like it's one of those things that everybody's done.

- He did. - It's like saying,

"Oh, remember when you stole your first pair of tights?"

You know what it's like, Hammond,

when you've got marmite on your testicles.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

Hang on, Scalextric cars have too much grip. That's the point.

No, they don't! That's why they end up under the sofa.

- They haven't got any grip. - Every corner, they fly off!

They've got too much grip, they over-steer suddenly and you can't control it.

If you put the insulating tape on the rear tyres,

you reduce the grip and then you can slide them and drift them...

Oh, my God, you have actually done this?

Of course I've bloody done it!

Your childhood!

Who here has put insulating tape

or any form of tape on the rear wheels of a Scalextric?

That's nobody at all.

- You? - There, there.

How bored must you be to think, "I know what I'll do today"?

Everyone apart from that lady over there

has never put insulating...

It's your worst explanation ever.

- See me after. - No, no, it's not. It's not.

His worst explanation ever was when we were doing that water speed record.

And he explained to you, um... to clear things up,

how the boat controls, which you can operate,

on our Pond Bug, worked the same way

as aeroplane controls, which you can't operate.

Exactly. That is the James May way.

Explaining something you do understand

in a way that you don't understand.

Look, hang on a minute. Hold on a minute. Actually it was.

You are a man who can't wind a wristwatch up without taking somebody's eye out.

And you claimed in that film

that you'd mended the prop shaft on that Alfa Romeo.

- I did. - Did you?

- Well, I made a phone call. - Did you?

Same thing. And then,

I made a phone call and a man, unbelievably,

drove all the way from Wiltshire to Inverness

with the spare part that I needed.

How generous. And then you mended it?

- Well, I watched. - Yeah.

Actually, this is the part that broke.

You can see the bit that came out, there,

- yes? - Mm-hm.

And apparently this is a known fault on a GTV6.

Everything is a known fault on...

A GTV6 is a known fault.

- Shall we just move this along? - Yes.

Let's move it along to more actual conversation.

Mm-hmm.

Land Rover has announced that 70% of people suffer from motion sickness.

And they say that in the future, their cars will have...

some clever system that senses when you're getting carsick

and then adjusts the cabin temperature

and the suspension to cope.

- And I think that's a pretty good idea. - That is quite clever.

I have to say, I've never had any sort of motion sickness, anyway.

But I'm very grateful cos I once met a man who did have it.

It was on a cross-Channel ferry, very rough crossing.

Everybody was being sick except me.

And I went into the lavs and there was this bloke

and he was face down on the floor.

On a boat there's a little lip at the door to stop water getting out.

And that was all full of sick.

And as the boat rolled, this little sort of miniature tsunami...

sort of came and hit him in the face.

As I walked in, he looked up at me and he went, "Kill me."

But the thing that was disturbing is,

I know he meant it. He did mean it.

All right. Anyone had sea sickness? Cos I have.

You do genuinely want someone to kill you

when you're seasick, you really do.

You really do.

What also troubled me about that ship was

there must've been 500 or 600 people on it.

Everybody was hueying everywhere -

horizontal surfaces, vertical surfaces, the ceiling,

the food, everything.

What did they do with it when it got there?

- Scuttle it. - I think they must've done.

Sometimes you've got to, you've got no choice. Happened to me.

Our childhood car, a Hillman Avenger,

my little brother vomited milk in the back of it.

- Ugh. - Scrapped it. It's gone.

- It just isn't any good. - OK, I'll own up to something.

Oh, are you sure?

I was driving through Corsica, late for a plane,

and I had my son in the back, who was probably nine or ten.

Going quite quickly. It's all mountainous roads through Corsica.

Very hot day. And he vommed explosively.

And the upholstery was that kind of textured velour.

When we got to the car rental return place, still late for the plane,

the guy's coming over to check the car.

So I said, "It's all right, mate, it's all in one piece."

And folded the back seat down.

- Oh, you did not? - Yeah, just...

- Oh, you sick man! - I know.

- And left it. - Yeah. Just left it. Ran.

So somewhere there is a kid who's paid

two euros a day to clean out returned hire cars.

- And he encountered that horror. - I ruined his life.

But the reason we brought up all this car sickness stuff is the RAC...

Always up to speed, the RAC is.

It's put out some advice saying that um...

parents can stop their children feeling sick

if you can get them to look at the horizon

rather than the screens on their mobile phones or tablets.

- Good luck with that. - Is that advice?

"Go on, children, look at the horizon.

It's more interesting than Angry Birds or Fortnite."

Maybe they can persuade them to tidy their bedrooms afterwards as well. - Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, that's sick covered. Let's move it along.

I'd like to move it on with some more conversation.

Um, Police in Dubai are testing a hover-bike.

But, no, it actually is a hover-bike. Here it is.

Look at that. Look at that thing!

Oh, my God.

It costs about £117,000.

It can go at 60 miles an hour, fly for about 25 minutes.

- Look at that. - Yes, yes.

I can see a couple of things, as a police-pursuit-vehicle problem.

If you drove at 61 miles an hour, you'd get away from it.

Actually, you could drive at less than that,

but for more than 25 minutes and still get away from it.

Or, and here's another one you haven't probably considered:

If you fell off it, you're falling through your own propulsion device.

I don't care, because look at it!

I want one of those more than I want both of my lungs.

It is simply the best thing I've ever...

James, can you imagine Richard Hammond on one of those?

Literally minutes of fun.

Yeah, exactly. And then he would just be a mist.

You'd just be a veneer all over the nearest building.

You'd actually be able to walk through Richard Hammond.

It would just be a puddle of Richard Hammond.

All right.

- Shit idea. - Right. Erm...

A lot of people have got it into their heads that I don't like electric cars.

Well. With good reason, because every time you've got an electric car,

you come back into the office on Monday morning with another dreary tale of woe.

- Cos you can't charge them up! - Here we go.

You can't! Last weekend, had a Jaguar I-PACE, OK?

This is a really good car.

This is why I have nothing against electric cars.

That's the new Jag, and it is fabulous.

Lovely to sit in, quick as hell,

better than a Tesla by a long way, actually, in many, many ways.

Brilliant. However, brought it up here, plugged it into my farm.

And boof! Instant darkness.

This is a farm that can supply all of Western Europe

with vegetable oil for a thousand years.

Plug one Jag into it, and I'm in the 13th century. No electricity at all.

I then took it to a friend's house, plugged it in there -

he's got more modern electricity.

Left it overnight and it had only hoovered up

enough electricity overnight to cover 29 miles.

That's because you're plugging it into a 14th-century domestic socket.

You're supposed to use a proper modern fast charger.

- How long would that take? - 45 minutes.

I haven't got 45 minutes.

I've only got 130,000 hours left, James, before I die.

I'm not going to spend any of it... What?

Wait a minute.

This is a new thing of yours that's started.

"I've only got 130,000 hours."

It's dropping. It's dropping now.

Where does... It's a lovely thought.

It's dropping...

It is. Get on with it! I'm losing valuable time!

All right! I do wanna know, though, where did that number come from?

Have you got your phone on you? Yes.

Cos he always forgets to leave it behind. OK.

How long? If you don't have to tell anyone.

- How many... how many years. - Yes. Well...

do you think you've got left? Uh...

- years I've got left? - Years, then times that by 365.

- Oh, I see. - Times it by 24.

- How many hours have you got left? - 394,200.

Right. Well, how much of that do you want to waste...

charging a car, sitting around while a car charges?

I went on the BBC iPlayer the other day,

and it said, "You've now got to register to use this."

No, I haven't! I haven't got time to do that.

I'll be dead by the time I've finished.

I've got 14,200.

- James! - What, about hours?

Yeah.

That's a week on Tuesday!

May, the whole point of this exercise...

is you think of the bloody number!

"It's the rest of my life, I better not think of a big number, I'll be modest."

Well, I'm gonna be pleasantly surprised, hopefully.

- I think... - Next week.

I think we can probably end Conversation Street there

on James May's sad demise.

Any minute now.

I wanna talk about the BMW M5, which has always been,

as I'm sure we all know in here, the ultimate Q car.

It is a fizzing lunatic in a Geoffrey Chaucer suit.

However, the new M5 has turbo-charging,

so it's kind to polar bears.

And it has four-wheel drive, so it's safe.

And it has an automatic gearbox, and that's all very nice.

But is it what we want?

Let me, first of all,

explain the basic recipe for a BMW M5.

It's a four-door saloon with a boot at the back,

space for five businessmen in the middle

and a monstrously powerful engine at the front.

That's the main thing about an M5.

It must be extremely fast.

And this one, they say...

is the fastest ever.

So I've just pulled up alongside someone

in his lightweight running gear

and his AMG training shoes.

Whereas I am in a stout pair of Brogues

and some heavy moleskin trousers.

Which means I'm gonna lose.

Or am I?

Oh, that hurts!

That was 0 to 60 in three seconds.

I can't get my head forward!

That's 100 miles an hour in about seven seconds.

120.

130 miles an hour as I cross the line.

'Tis unbelievable, that.

The cheap, heavy, four-door saloon

just beat the sports car.

That's an M5's job.

On the face of it, then, the new version

seems to tick all the important M5 boxes.

It's sensible and thanks to 592 horsepower,

it is Ferrari fast.

But what about the turbochargers and the automatic gearbox?

And what about the all-wheel drive system?

Does all that mean it's no longer capable

of being a swivel-eyed lunatic?

No. Not really.

Yes, because a great deal of work has been done

to completely eliminate under-steer...

as you can see.

The steering does feel a bit weird.

And yes, because the engine is turbocharged,

the soundtrack is a bit muted.

It's like listening to someone play the bass... in the next room.

But other than that...

I mean, there must be turbo lag. There has to be.

But I can't feel it.

And the automatic gearbox

must change more slowly than it would

if it were a double-clutch system.

But...

Still feels pretty speedy to me.

And even though all four wheels are driven...

it can still do this.

Holy shit!

If you wanted to do this all the time,

you can actually turn off the four-wheel drive system.

Seriously, you can turn it off!

Just have it in rear-drive only,

behave like a complete yobbo.

And that's just the start of the M5's adaptability.

You can choose how much traction control you'd like.

You can choose...

how sporty and responsive you want the engine to be,

how uncomfortable you'd like the ride to be,

how meaty you'd like the steering to be,

how quickly you want it to change gear

and what you want on the head-up display.

You can even choose what sort of noise

you want the exhaust to make.

Ooh, and look at this one.

This menu allows me to choose

what fragrance comes out of the air-conditioning vents.

I can have the Blue Suite,

which is a waft of pure water pearls.

Or I can have this one,

which gives me a golden shower of fiery aromas.

And this is all very Pacific Rim. It's very CGI.

And that's great.

But the truth of the matter is

that the 50-something businessman

who'll buy this car

will never change the fragrance setting

or any of the other stuff.

He'll put it in four-wheel drive comfort mode on day one

and leave it there forever.

And if he's going to do that,

there may be a better alternative.

It's made by a German tuning company called Alpina.

And it's another take on what a fast BMW should be like.

It costs about the same as an M5,

and has a broadly similar 4.4 litre, twin turbo-charged V8.

It also has four-wheel drive and an automatic gearbox.

However, this car was not developed at a race track.

The boss of Alpina says if you engineer a car

to be good at the Nurburgring,

it won't be any good on the road.

And he may have a point on that.

So instead of making the front suspension firm and racy,

they tuned it to be able to deal with potholes.

Then they changed the steering

so it would corner more like an airliner

and less like an F-16.

Inside, they gave it blue dials

and a thinner steering wheel and softer leather.

And look at this.

Something you don't get in the standard M5.

It's a comfort plus setting,

in which the 50-something businessman

can spend his life wafting about.

But don't think that the basic fast BMW recipe

has been ruined.

Because it really hasn't.

It actually produces 600 horsepower.

That's more than you get from the M5.

It has more torque too.

And there's no nanny limiter.

So this will do 205 miles an hour.

Does this mean, then, that on a track,

the comfort wagon can keep up

with the ultimate sports saloon?

Well, even though it was fun finding out...

the answer is no. Not quite.

The M5 is tauter, more nailed down, more on it, somehow.

So on a track, make no mistake,

the M5 will pull away.

In fact, it is doing.

We're both cats.

It's just that he's a cheetah and I'm a lion.

If, then, you care about shaving tenths of a second

off your lap time at a racetrack...

you're better off with an M5.

But for going home on the M4 in the real world,

which is what I'm about to do,

I'd rather use the Alpina.

So I shall.

Very interesting... interesting observations.

Very nice.

So, um...

So after all of that, you would have the worse car?

Well, yes, cos it's better.

- It sounds better to me, I've gotta say. - Says the voice of speed.

Tell you what, let's find out how fast the M5 goes round the Eboladrome.

And it's off.

She held it against the brakes for a snappy start

and clearly it's worked!

Flying onto the Isn't Straight there.

Ooh, look, it's a bit damp.

Right, having to work at the fat steering wheel.

Whoomph from the four exhausts on the up-change.

And now plunging into Your Name Here looking a little edgy.

But then this is nearly a two-tonne car.

Heaves forward under braking, but keeping it all in check in the corner.

And now, back on the power.

Spooling up both turbos for the fast return run.

Looking good. Ooh, dabbing off a bit of speed at the midpoint.

And ready? Yep, really hard

on the brakes for Old Lady's House.

This is where understeer will show itself.

But, no, looking tidy. Not bad for such a heifer.

Taking no prisoners on the blast to Substation.

Torturing the Pirellis through there.

Just Field of Sheep to go.

Tidy through there and across the line.

It did look quick.

It looks quick but it looks like it's heavy.

It does look heavy.

Anyway, there's the lap board

and we can see the old M5, look, down there:

17th place, one minute 24.2.

Uh, so let's see where the new one goes.

Is it quicker?

- Ooh, it is. - Yes.

Ooh, my word, four seconds faster.

That's staggering, isn't it?

That's absolutely amazing.

Now, and I have to say, uh, we did, um... we did time the Alpina,

but we haven't, uh, we haven't filmed it.

- Why not? - Well, cos it's gonna be slower.

It is.

You are gonna look such an arse if it isn't.

I am, but it won't be.

Let's find out. Let's see where it goes.

This is the Alpina.

There you go. You see? Slower. As I said.

But 1:21.6, not bad. Not bad.

So if you do want a taut, fast, super saloon,

his advice is get the flabbier, slower one.

- Yeah, it's better. - This really is some clear

- buying advice again this week. - It is.

Anyway, let's get on to some actual clear buying advice, uh, shall we?

- Let's get back to our film in Scotland. - Mm-hm.

Tonight, we are doing, uh, a tour of the North Coast 500,

around the top of Scotland,

in some beautiful Italian classic cars.

And a Fiat X19.

Well, yes, but you two had both had mechanical issues.

- Yes. - Yeah, we did, but we still had hope in

our hearts that things would get better.

As we cruised along, our Italian classics, and the Fiat,

continued to provide unexpected entertainment.

I'm gonna show you a fantastic feature on this car.

Here are the heating and ventilation controls.

I've got it on warm because it's a cold day.

But look what happens when I press the air-conditioning button.

It's haunted!

Did you see that?

Look.

Hm, I think I'll cool myself down.

My head itches because of this hat.

But if I take it off, I'll freeze to death.

Soon, Hammond insisted we stop for a cup of tea...

to ward off his hypothermia.

- I've had a thought. - That's very uncharacteristic of you.

I was gonna say, first time ever.

No, this is based on experience and knowledge.

Right, problem with the NC500 going all way round here,

we miss this bit.

We're here, right?

And we miss this road,

which I have driven and it is breath-taking.

Not just the scenery, which is incredible, but the actual road itself.

I'm sorry, but if we just go along here...

Yeah?

We're not exactly doing the NC500, are we?

No, but what if we create our own route and claim it for The Grand Tour.

We could call that the Scottish Highlands Intermediate Tour.

- How far is it? - Uh, it's about 287 miles if we do that.

Scottish Highlands Intermediate Tour 287, 2-8-7.

It would be the sh... No, hang on, that doesn't work, does it?

Piloting Extremely Nicely In Scotland.

- 2-8-7. - Yeah.

So the Piloting Extremely Nicely In Scotland 2-8-7. That would do.

You see? That's your second thought of the day.

It's cos of the hat.

With the new route sorted out, we set off.

And it turned out that it wasn't quite like Hammond had said.

It was much, much better.

Holy moly.

Och aye the view.

It's amaz... Look at it.

I mean, it's... This is heaven.

And not just the scenery, which is magnificent;

The road itself, the twists, turns, surface.

You have to get the right ingredients together

in the right order in the right place.

It's a complicated thing.

A really fabulous road.

But this manages it.

Absolutely glorious.

Oh, the PENIS287 is really coming up trumps here.

God, I bet my car looks elegant going through this scenery.

This is what the GTV6 was built to do.

Open sweeping roads.

Nothing but the sound of that V6 howling away.

Ah.

This is what driving is all about.

This is the dream.

In fact, the moment was so magical,

it had taken my mind off something that had been troubling me all day.

Today is the 11th of April and I don't wanna

sound like Eeyore, but it's my birthday.

And those two haven't remembered.

All of the crew have said happy birthday.

The director said happy birthday.

James and Richard? Nothing.

Ullapool, 26 miles.

Ullapool, I might be able to get the prop shaft balanced there.

That's quite a big town.

Guys, how far are we from the hotel now? Do you know?

About 30 miles, 35.

Well, as it's not late, I'm gonna dive into Ullapool

and see if I can get my prop shaft balanced.

You're gonna what? It's vibrating

and it will hurt the car,

so I want to just get it balanced up

and I'll see you at the hotel later on.

That is uncharacteristically conscientious of Jeremy, to want to go and mend his car.

But it's actually very convenient for me and Hammond.

We've got something in mind.

The thing is, we hadn't forgotten it was his birthday.

And with him gone, we could shoot ahead...

and set up his surprise party.

Balloons coming in.

Ooh, this is nice.

Right, loosen it off.

And that will allow the prop shaft to settle where it wants to settle.

While the short-sighted orangutan ruined his car,

I was busy in the kitchen.

For Jeremy's birthday feast, I am preparing

his favourite dish, spaghetti bolognese.

But as it's his birthday and as we are here, I'm gonna give it a Scottish twist.

Pasta and sauce are ready. He'd love that.

But now is where I give it a Scottish twist.

Pop it in, back for that in a minute.

Now, this should be ready.

Oh, yeah.

And this is where it gets Scottish.

Very carefully, you pop it in the flour like this.

Sprinkle it.

Keeping it together as best you can. The grilling has helped.

And now into this.

Good coating all over.

Drop that as carefully as I can in there.

Pop it in the oil.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I am doing that.

I'd say... that is ready.

Oh, yeah.

That will do nicely.

And there it is.

Spaghetti Mc-Bolognese.

Whilst Richard was battering and deep-frying everything in sight...

In you go, my wee beauties.

I was organising the guests,

who were now all here and waiting for the birthday boy.

Ooh, ooh, hello, here it is.

Here it is...

Oh, Countach,

Lancia 832,

There's obviously some kind of classic car meeting going on.

Oh, wait a minute.

I can't believe it.

I cannot believe it.

- You remembered. - Of course we remembered.

Actually, it's better than that, we're having a party for you.

No, but, James...

There's a classic car meet going on.

No, they're your guests.

For your birthday party.

- It's a 3.2 as well. - Ohhh.

You have invited classic car enthusiasts to my birthday party?

Italian classic car enthusiasts.

- Who will talk about differentials. - Yes.

- Production numbers and chassis numbers. - Yes, exactly.

I've gotta go and sort out the music, so I'll see you in a bit.

- Music? - Yeah.

It's a party.

The finishing touch.

Garnish.

Because we eat with our eyes.

As it turned out, the classic car enthusiasts were lovely people.

With some even lovelier cars.

Look at that.

D'you know, I've never driven an 832.

However, talking to them proved to be quite tricky.

Were they not on their way to America and then got here and just thought, this'll...

do.

♪ Happy Birthday

Still, it could be worse. And then it was.

Because it was time to sit down for Richard's Scottish dinner.

Battered spag bol, followed by a deep-fried cake.

And then, to round off the evening...

Oh, no.

James made an interesting speech...

about all the cars I'd owned.

To your ears as car enthusiasts, is it not?

But quite soon, Jeremy moved on from the VW Scirocco GLi mark 1

to a VW Scirocco GTi mark 2.

The registration number of which was...

Now I've never known whether you had the manual gearbox

or the first generation F1 semi-automatic shift. Which was it...

Very keen for you to know that it wasn't a CSI, it was a CSL,

the difference being...

chromed wheel arch extensions

and different wheels, was it? Or something like those stripes.

Alpina wheels and it had aluminium doors.

Yes, of course, it had the lightweight...

- Bullet in boot lid. - Yes.

Ah, but this time the V8 engine.

In dark blue, or was it black?

Does anybody want to guess?

Traditionalist at heart, as he is today, drives a VW Golf GTI in grey.

- You missed the CLK Black. - Jeremy Clarkson...

- The what? - You missed the CLK Black.

No, it's not on this list. Which researcher put together

this list of Jeremy's cars through the ages?

You didn't even write the speech?

Course I didn't.

This is the worst birthday party I've ever had.

Come on, we made an effort. Anyway, shall I get the bagpipes?

The next morning, we were up and on the road bright and early.

This is the first April the 12th since 1972 that I haven't had a hangover.

Thanks to the world's worst party organisers, Messieurs May and Hammond.

Oh, no.

The vibration is back.

Ahh, why can't I do anything?

But despite my problems, the sun was shining.

And Scotland was more spectacular than ever.

Hammond has redeemed himself with this route.

He really has.

- Hammond. - Hello, yes?

There's no getting around the fact that your PENIS

is exactly the right length and beautiful.

Well, thank you.

Would you agree, James May?

I would, yes. I hate to have to admit it, but it's spot-on.

There were now only 50 miles to go to the finish point on our loop.

So it felt like a good time to sum up our wonderful cars.

And Richard's Fiat.

Some cars achieve classic status because they're rare,

they're thoroughbreds like those two.

And with that, you have to accept they'll be delicate, temperamental.

Some cars achieve classic status simply because they're really good.

The X1/9 was good when it was designed and built first, and still is today.

Add to that that it cost me just over £2,000.

Annoyingly, I've had a bit of a problem with my headlight.

But then it's developed a squint.

So it... Oh.

I think it looks quite rakish.

Somehow piratical.

"Arrr!" Like that.

Rare, interesting, beautiful -

those are the criteria by which I think you should judge

whether or not a car is a true classic.

It has to be at least two of those things to qualify.

So let's have a look at my Lancia.

Well, it's definitely beautiful.

It's a truly superb bit of car styling, this.

And it's rare.

I had a bit of a root about online last night

and there are only two of these Gamma Coupes

registered and on the road in Britain.

And this is one of them.

This is 50% of the whole thing.

When we finish these jobs normally, the cars we've used go...

Actually, I've no idea where they go.

But I know where this one's going.

My house.

Because this car is just heaven.

Absolute heaven.

Look at it and tell me you can think of another car

anywhere on Earth for 10 grand that you'd like more than this.

Only 11 miles to go now.

Will James May's engine explode?

Apparently sunshine does cause that.

James May,

do you think it will explode

before we get to Inverness or just afterwards?

Sooner or later, you will have to put your peevishness aside

and admit that I made the right choice.

Oh-ho, no, you didn't.

Anyway, I wouldn't normally say this, but I want to say

I'm very proud of you for mending your prop shaft.

Well done, mate.

Thanks, yes, yes.

Is the car much better now the vibration's gone?

No.

- Yes. - Good.

He's bluffing.

Bidding a fond farewell to Hammond's magnificent PENIS,

we got back to the town where we'd started,

Inverness.

Mission accomplished.

Well, there we are. In just three days, we have covered a staggering 287 miles.

Well, yours was on an AA truck for a bit of it.

- Yeah, a little bit. - Yeah.

But apart from one catastrophic failure

that required somebody to drive from Swindon in Wiltshire

all the way to Inverness with a spare part...

Don't forget that my windscreen wiper fell off as well.

Yeah, and one of my headlamps is stuck.

Yeah, but apart from those things,

we have proved that it is still possible

to buy and enjoy a classic car

even if you're quite poor.

Yeah, we should be proud of that.

- Yeah, we should. - Yeah.

With that, back to the studio. Tent.

- Tent. - Tent.

- Cos we're quite poor. - Yes.

- Great trip. - Yeah.

- It's, um... - Yeah, it was good.

- What a trip. - It's funny, isn't it?

It's funny, over the years we have travelled the whole world

- looking for the best driving roads. - Yeah.

And it turns out, it was just next door all along.

I have to say, I don't want to say this in front of our Scottish producer.

Do not name Gavin Whitehead.

No, I...

I shan't, but that was just about

the best drive I've ever had.

That road, that scenery, that Alfa.

- That party. OK. - No, not the party.

Everything else was... Well, it was perfection.

I do agree with you, I thought it was spectacular,

but we should get back to the point of this film,

which is that you can buy an affordable classic car

that is also an investment.

Are you sure you wanna raise this particular point, James?

Why don't you tell the ladies and gentlemen

how it worked out with your Lancia?

Well, OK, I spent 13 and a half thousand pounds on the car

and when I got it home I discovered the price of putting it right

was only £6,000.

So, you're investment has gone down by 45%.

- Correct, yes. - Mm, now my Alfa, as I said in the film,

I have brought it home with me.

And since we made that,

which was April, so six months, nine months ago,

uh, it's only cost £8,000.

In repairs.

So, your investment has gone down by 80%.

- Yes, what about you? - 100%.

Really?

Yeah, day after we finished filming,

the engine blew, car in the bin, all gone.

So, to conclude, then, s...

All of us have lost some money and one of us has lost all of it.

- Yes, exactly. - Yes.

And on that terrible disappointment,

it is time to end.

I'm going home now in my Alfa Romeo.

No, you're not.

- I only live over there. - Yeah, we know.

Exactly, too far.

Whatever. Thanks for watching, take care, see you next time. Bye.

Sync corrections by srjanapala