Original subtitles

MONAD

SHAMPOO

FULL STOP

MONAD, SHAMPOO, FULL STOP AND KAREL

Peter?

Peter?

Peter?

-Yes? -Are you okay?

Yeah.

You screamed. Is something wrong?

Nothing. I'm sleeping.

Did you have a bad dream?

Damn! Do you hear me?

Man, Mom! When I tell you I'm sleeping, I'm sleeping! Can you leave me alone?

If I leave you alone, you won't get out at all! It's almost noon.

Damn it!

Jesus Christ!

What are you sighing for?

-I'm not sighing. -You're sighing.

Do you want eggs for breakfast or duck for lunch?

You've been home for a week and we haven't talked yet.

Mom, please hold on, I'll be with you in a second, okay?

Duck or eggs?

No way, hi, Full Stop, my friend.

Hi, Einstein.

Hi. I'm glad to hear from you.

Are you back yet?

I am.

And what are you doing?

Nothing, I'm just sitting here. How about you?

Don't even ask.

Some idiots parked next to me

so intelligently that I can't open the car door.

It's great you're back.

In one piece, I hope.

Yeah, listen, see you at the class reunion, right?

Well, I wanted to give it a pass.

But if you go, I'll be happy to join you! We'll celebrate your return.

Hold on, buddy, okay? I'll call you in a second. I need both hands now. Bye.

Hi.

So nice of you to come.

What happened?

I just can't anymore.

I don't believe anything will be fine anymore.

My life's completely useless.

Nobody needs me and Karel doesn't care about me anymore.

Karel loves you as much as he can.

He barely talks to me.

And I still can't get pregnant.

It's been so long.

Karel can't handle it either.

We had our anniversary yesterday,

so I begged him to spend some time home with me,

but he stayed at work all night again.

I…

I don't have the strength to keep trying.

I feel like I'm bothering him, I don't know.

-Klára. -Sorry.

Come here!

You can't bother anyone, Klára.

You're a beautiful, amazing girl. Everyone would want you!

And Karel wants you too.

He just doesn't show it.

Thanks.

Yeah…

So… what kind of food did you eat at the base?

-Just food. -Well…

Were there any nice female colleagues with you?

Not really.

God! Can't you tell me at least one sentence with more than two words?

Do you think any woman would be able to communicate with you like this?

I don't want to run…

Girls, for God's sake, can you turn the TV off?

Hello, this is Dad's cell phone.

What?

-Poop! -You mustn't say that!

-Dáda, come here. -Give me the cell phone!

Monad?

Ema, give me the cell phone! Ema!

Stop it!

Ema, give it here.

Dáda, don't be silly, you had a fever not even an hour ago. Give it here.

Enough!

Oh man! Wait! Oh God.

Prepare a comparative analysis of all similar systems. Yeah?

Thanks.

I'm home for a second, but I'll be in the office in a minute.

Klára?

Hi.

Hello.

Is something wrong?

Nothing.

What are you doing here?

You're not wearing your panties?

Is anyone in here?

What on earth is going on?

Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm waiting for your reaction.

Have you just had sex in here?

Can you answer my question?

-And what if I did? Would you mind? -What?

I don't know. Maybe you wouldn't mind at all.

You know what? We'll talk about it when we're both calm. Yeah? When you're calm.

Wait. Wait, is that all?

You won't even give me a slap knowing what I did here?

Yes? Hi.

Hi.

Are you going to the class reunion today?

The reunion? Tonight? Yeah, yeah.

Why are you whispering?

I'm in a meeting, you know?

I'm sorry. So see you later. I think we should get drunk today, buddy.

Sure.

Bye.

Oh man.

Oh man.

Damn!

Hi, girls.

Hi, Mom!

Where have you been? I was supposed to be at work a long time ago.

So what? Boy or girl?

Stop crying. We know how to handle girls, don't we?

Will you love her?

Of course I will.

Bye, bye, bye.

Dear God! Why do I have to have a pussy farm at home?

Shit, shit, shit, shit!

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

I know, I know, well, sure, well, upstairs. Okay, okay, I'm already here.

Here it is, here, here.

Hello?

What do you think you're doing, you idiot? Where have you been all morning?

I'm sorry.

My wife was delayed at the gynecologist and the girls broke my cell phone.

I can't jeopardize my contract with the biggest Asian travel agency

because of your personal issues! Come pack your things. You're done here!

What do you mean by that?

You're fired!

Moron!

Hello? Hello?

Guys, here you go. Wait, I still have two more.

Okay, thanks.

Just keep laughing until you have hemorrhoids too!

But you won't laugh anymore then.

Stop!

Can you sit down a bit slower and groan a bit more?

It'll look funnier. Thanks.

I've had enough! I refuse to make humor out of repulsiveness.

You should be ashamed, director.

Calm down and start thinking about

how much money you make by sitting on that ring.

Can we continue?

This is the bottom of TV entertainment.

You don't even care, because you haven't shot anything good in your life.

But I've done fifty years of honest work, I'm sick of all of this!

Ten-minute break.

We can shoot.

Grandma is fine now.

What is the girl in the corridor doing here?

She came to sign a contract.

She came to the casting with her son for one of those new children's roles.

He's a very clever boy. He'll be in a few episodes.

How old is he?

About six.

What does he look like?

Do you want to see the casting video?

I'll play it for you when you come back.

I came up with a lot of ideas, yoo-hoo

which are great for a silly mood

Yoo-hoo, throw the keys in the gutter, slide down a bare rock

-What's up? -Haunt a castle at night, yoo-hoo…

Are you okay?

I'm not.

-What's going on? -It's Karel. It's Karel. Karel, no way!

Karel! Hi, Karel.

What are you doing here? You've come, great!

Karel, dear Karel. You rich boy!

Show me your car.

-Can I kiss you? -Hi, girls. I don't know.

I'd like one too. I've never kissed a millionaire before.

There, there, what do we have here? A bald patch!

Bald men are really sexy!

Especially when they make as much money as you.

Will you marry me and take care of me? I could get easily divorced.

I'll think about it, okay?

Girls, you know what? Let's get out, I'll buy you a drink.

Jesus, girls. Monad and Full Stop. Hi. Come in!

Hi! Hey!

-I wanted to be the first one. Hi. -Hi.

-Hi. Hi, girls. Hello. -So I'm the last one, hi.

So where did you go, you talented man?

-Why don't we see you on TV? -Well…

You wanted to be a singer, didn't you?

-Yeah, yeah. -So what? So what?

-Well, it didn't work out. -What a pity.

Hi, guys!

-Hello. -What are you doing?

Come here!

Jesus Christ, Mary!

Hello, you old wanker!

Hi, potato head, hello. I'm glad to see you.

Me too.

-Hi, hi. -Hello.

Six, five, four, three, two, one, zero.

I don't know, man, but I wouldn't applaud myself for my life's performance.

You? Why not?

You're on easy street after all.

Who else should applaud himself if not you?

Well, looks can be deceiving, mates. I'm pretty fucked up.

Rubbish, man.

The star is here! He is here.

Hi, hi! Hello.

Hi, girls. Hello.

Oh dear, you're even cuter than on TV!

See you later, yeah.

-Hello. -Hi.

Hello.

Did they jump on you too?

These moms are the worst.

Yes?

Karel, please, don't be mad at me.

I…

Three vodkas.

I just want to tell you

that what happened in the morning meant nothing at all.

He's got a serious phone call.

It shouldn't have happened at all.

Do you hear me?

Yeah.

I just need to know

if you still care about me.

So you slept with someone to see if I care about you?

Will you come home?

I feel sick when I imagine how you must be feeling right now.

Just calm down.

I'm actually feeling pretty good at the moment.

And where are you?

I'm with the boys, at the class reunion.

-Shit. -What's up?

My wife's cheating on me.

Do you know with whom?

I don't know shit, buddy!

Hi.

Hello.

We're still waiting for you, lecher!

Join us later, movie star, we have to take a picture with you.

Sure.

Listen, shall we go somewhere else?

Where?

Well, I don't know. Somewhere better.

CURRENT BALANCE: 60 CZK

No shit!

Excellent, Full Stop! Go for it!

Do you think you could get me a job in the TV studio?

Sure thing.

If you need money, I'll lend you some.

I need to earn, not borrow.

I'll give you some money, no problem.

So you think I'm completely incompetent? I don't want you to give me anything.

It's okay. I don't think anything. I just want to help you. Calm down!

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Come on, come on down!

-Okay. But what's up? -Move it!

-Come on! -I wasn't doing anything bad.

Oh shit! Fuck!

Oh shit!

Guys, it's really great in here!

Fuck! We have to go back!

Move it!

Come on, man!

This way! This way, man!

Here, here, up here!

-Where're we going, man? -Go, go, go!

Oh man, guys! That was really great!

We're still fast, aren't we?!

-My left testicle hurts really bad. -What?

Because of that fight?

No. I've had it for a long time.

Isn't it because of the Afghan desert loneliness?

You know what to do.

No.

No? What do you mean?

It's called a furlough, mate.

I wouldn't want to end up here.

Neither would I.

I want my ashes to be scattered

from a beautiful sports car at a very high speed.

When we were at high school, I thought life would be much better.

You see? And I actually envy you.

What's there to envy?

You have a wife who loves you. And you have children.

I envy Shampoo, actually.

And what exactly?

Your lifestyle.

I don't even know if I'm still alive.

I just film shitty things for money,

things that would have made me sick at high school.

Man, you can do whatever you want, fuck whoever you want.

You don't have kids. You're free!

Oh man, guys!

We have to do something like this again! Otherwise we'll end up like

complete bastards! It can't go on like this.

Do you remember how we ran naked all over the school right before the leaving exam?

That was the last really crazy thing I did, man!

Have you noticed that when he's drunk he doesn't stammer at all?

-You speak so well. -It'd be good for us.

Maybe it would refresh us if we did something like that again.

Running around with my exposed member wouldn't refresh me at all.

And I know that for sure.

-How do you know that? -I just know it.

Some crazy shit might cheer you up.

Exactly! Maybe you don't understand Klára anymore because you're too logical now.

Buddy, thank you for your therapy. Thanks a lot.

It's better to start stripping than doing nothing at all, man.

I'd really set it as a task for us.

Set it?

Wait, why should I strip in the first place?

To see if there's still some punk in you, you see?

What punk?

You're in midlife crisis!

I'm not in any crisis.

Man, you live with your mom!

Well, it's because I like her.

I am thirsty. Let's have a drink.

Sure.

We have to drink, guys.

Open up!

He drank warm rum though it made him sick

He thought it was a sign of punk

He smoked whatever was on fire

He thought it was a sign of punk

But the boys said punk was elsewhere

Whoever strips first shall launch a fight against said crisis.

But not alone at home.

Not alone at home. In public and amongst other people.

He has to stay naked for a minute and hide nothing.

And he has to film it on his cell phone and send the video to the others.

And the receiver has to strip right away, too. Wherever he is.

And whoever breaks the rule is a bastard!

A real bastard.

God, that's such bullshit.

It's good!

It's great!

Karel?

Do you think it's possible for two people to stay happy all their lives?

Why does everything beautiful have to go wrong?

Are you listening to me?

Karel?

-Karel. -Karel.

-Karel. -Karel.

Karel! The Americans are here.

What Americans?

Man, wake up! You're selling your business for 500 million!

So what? Oh yeah.

And do you think it's a good decision?

We've already talked about it, haven't we? A thousand times. Haven't we?

Yeah, that's right.

I just don't know where the enthusiasm with which we'd built all this has gone.

Don't scare me! Man! Don't scare me!

Should I remind you why it is a good thing to sell it right now?

No one will ever offer us more money.

You said it yourself! Didn't you say that? You did.

Yeah!

Do you know what's really bad?

Recently, I haven't made a single decision just because I wanted to make it.

I do everything just because it's reasonable.

Karel…

I think it's starting to piss me off a little bit.

Sorry.

I guess I need to throw up. Sorry.

-It doesn't feel right to me. -Same here.

Why is he selling the company when it's doing so well?

Maybe because he's burnt out.

Too bad he doesn't have the same balls he did ten years ago.

Yeah, he definitely doesn't.

Where're we gonna eat?

We could order something.

Excuse me, can you film me please?

Thank you.

-Good morning, Lucie. -Good morning, Karel.

Knock the door down, search the room and neutralize me. Is that clear?

Yes.

Who wants to be a hostage?

You?

Good.

Divide into groups and don't do anything stupid.

Whoever hits the hostage has to run around the compound ten times in full gear.

Let's go.

POLICE

What should I do?

Just act… normal. Like a hostage.

Then you should stop me from running away, Captain.

What are you talking about?

Can I scream?

Just act normal, man.

If you think you'll earn your credit with your tits, you're wrong.

So hide those again!

I don't care about my credit.

I just want to have a bed by the window.

What? What bed?

The girls in the dorm won't let me sleep by the window unless we go on a date.

Would you like to go on a date?

Don't even touch me.

I was on a mission for a year, I'm as horny as a desert billy-goat.

I could break you in half!

You'd better leave me alone! Is that clear?

Yeah.

-Good morning, Lucie. -Good morning, Karel.

Shit.

Is something wrong?

Sit in that chair!

Sit down!

Hands behind your head!

Go, go, go!

Don't look at me.

Don't look!

Action!

Don't look!

Police, police! Police, police!

What's up?

You're supposed to neutralize me, not stare at my dick.

Call the others!

Hi.

I'm so happy you called me last night!

You just shouldn't drink that much.

You were completely… tiny.

But it doesn't matter! We'll work that out.

What matters is that we're together at last!

What will you have for breakfast? I'm gonna get something.

Could you get me the casting boy's mom's phone number?

Yeah.

And go home?

I don't want to go home. I want to be here with you.

Go home!

Healthy. Tasty. Fragrant.

-That's me. -That's me.

Traditional. Instant. Vegetable.

Yeah, every gourmet dreams…

-What else I can do for you? -…of instant soup.

-I have to leave now for a while, okay? -Hi.

Hi!

What am I going to do here, please?

Kitty?

-The leek costume, please. -Is that him?

-I'm Carolina. -Good morning!

You're gonna be absolutely wonderful! Really.

Are you sure I won't spoil it for you?

It can't be spoiled.

I owe you one, I'm really screwed.

The girls need winter clothes,

the washing machine broke down in the morning and Ľubica reminded me that

I promised to buy a car which can fit four baby seats.

Do you like it, director?

Yes, I do. I do.

You're gonna hop around the pot for a day and you'll earn 20 grand.

And you don't even have to rehearse anything. Just try on the costume.

You're amazing! Shall we go for lunch later?

Listen, I have some errands to do. The girls will take care of you. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

It is you! Hi. Hello.

Gábo!

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I have to earn a living, don't I? What about you?

Ah, I'm sort of saving the family budget.

Jesus! Will you save me too?

-You? -Yeah.

Our singer got sick.

I play old pop hits with my band. Heidi Janků, Helena Vondráčková,

Marie Rottrová. We have a gig tonight and I don't have a singer.

I've called everyone. I just forgot about you.

How many years has it been since we played together? Twenty?

If you take the job, I'll give you five grand.

Why don't you look for a female singer? It's all female hits.

Wait. Look.

It's just fun. And with your voice, it's really easy money.

It won't be more embarrassing than this costume.

Wait, I'll get a CD.

Well, it's perfect.

I told you you'd be great.

You're absolutely ideal for it, you see? Cool!

Alright, girls, let's check the carrot.

Good morning, I'm calling about the vacancy.

I see, goodbye.

I'm calling about the job offer.

Taken already, I see.

I'm calling about the vacancy.

Hello? Hello?

KINDERGARTEN, HOLIČKOVA

Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, tickle, tickle, tickle

and the monkey gets a banana and an apple and what else do I give her?

This is what the monkey does and then keeps jumping.

Good morning.

-Where's the headmaster's office, please? -Over there.

-And what else does the monkey do? -Thank you.

It swings, it swings like this…

You play the piano, you can sing, you studied the Faculty of Education,

you can start at once and you can't get pregnant.

These are perfect prerequisites. The job is yours, of course.

Thank you.

I'll get the contract, give me a sec.

I'll need your ID and account number.

I just need to set up the printer. It's a bit chaotic here right now.

You'll be the first guy in our staff.

Three girls already and a fourth one on the way.

You're a deserving daddy.

Police, police.

What's up?

Almost done.

You're supposed to neutralize me, not stare at my dick.

Okay.

Here you go.

Is there something is wrong?

No, quite to the contrary.

Great!

Great, it's in there and now another eight…

And the figure got blocked…

Yes?

You can't go there, you can't…

Excuse me, children. Sorry.

What is it? Did you forget something?

No, no, no, I just need to do something in here.

I see.

What are you doing?

Sorry. It's just a game. I'll get dressed in a minute.

Stop it!

I'd love to, but I can't. Don't be angry.

Leave immediately! No, get dressed first and then leave.

No, don't worry, I'm not a pervert, you don't even have to look at me.

-Mr. Mach. -I'll disappear, a minute.

Yes?

Could you make this man leave and get dressed?

No, it's not necessary! I'll leave on my own in a minute.

Why are you taking it in your hand? Put your clothes on, pervert!

Did you hear the headmistress or not?

Unfortunately, I can't obey you.

That's my pleasure…

Look, the man's bum's out!

KINDERGARTEN

I'm not a pussy! Oh man, I'm not! Punk's not dead.

My dear, give me more of your love! Yoo-hoo.

Please, Matthew! Stop fooling around and get dressed.

-I want almost nothing… -We were supposed to leave

-a long time ago, you know? -I just want to pet your hair. Yoo-hoo.

Yes?

I don't think I should meet Matthew.

It's better that he doesn't know me.

Should I tell him they found someone else for the part?

It would turn out badly.

Do you think it could be even worse than now?

Maybe you'd like each other.

He takes after you.

Yeah?

What are you afraid of?

Leave immediately!

No, don't worry, I'm not a pervert…

What's up?

I'm sorry.

The doctor isn't working today?

He's on holiday. I'm his substitute. What's the matter?

I'll come back later.

But that'll be in two weeks.

I see.

Do you have any problems?

It's my testicle.

Come on in.

Does this hurt?

Yeah.

Do you need to make a phone call right now?

Yeah.

Hi, Mom! How are you?

Do you need something?

Your leg hurts? Well, I'll get you something. Tell me what you need.

Okay, coffee. And milk, right?

Cabbage, alright, I'll get you some mineral water, too.

It looks like prostatitis. Lie on your side now.

Yeah.

You know what? It's better if you text me, okay?

All right, have a nice day. Bye.

Ouch! Oh. Man.

Pee into this thing. We'll do some tests and I'll give you antibiotics.

And I want your semen in this.

Right now?

No. That's your homework.

Do you think I can manage to put it in there?

Yes, I do.

Would you like to go for a coffee with me?

Bring me the urine!

Hello.

Are you going somewhere?

Yeah.

Alone or with someone?

Does it matter?

Are you in love?

Do you even want to keep living with me?

You slept with someone. I didn't.

Why do I feel absolutely nothing from you?

I'm sorry, but what do you want from me?

Should I bring you a flower and persuade you to stop cheating on me?

Should I go or stay here?

If you need to go, just go.

What am I supposed to say?

Anything but this.

You should dress a little better.

Or every single woman will be scared of you.

They don't want me anyway.

You have to try harder.

When I was in hospital last time,

I met a really nice nurse there.

She was very nice.

Do you always have to make such faces?

I'm not making faces. I just have a face like that.

You don't! You're a good boy, but you glare like a killer.

No wonder that you live with me. No one else could stand this.

You know what? I think I should move out.

Come on. Why?

Because you're really pissing me off!

Can you explain to me why you're so rude to me?

Because you keep reminding me what a loser I am.

And will you come to dinner tomorrow?

No, I won't.

You won't even wish me a happy birthday?

You forgot again, didn't you?

Okay, I'll come.

Hi.

-Hi. -Hello.

Here's to a successful opening round of our super game.

Alright.

That stripping task was a really demented idea.

Don't complain. At least we're not pussies.

So shall we start a second round straight away?

-Sure. -Yeah.

But without me.

Come on, don't be silly, no cold feet now.

The three of us are in, so you should be too.

-Sorry. -Sorry for what?

Look, Karel…

Cool!

Yes?

Hello. Can we meet?

Do you think it's a good idea?

No, I don't want us to continue in what we did yesterday.

I just don't know what to do.

I was about to go to the cottage, but I've been sitting in my car

for two hours now unable to start the engine.

I only have time tomorrow night.

I'm filming all day.

Write to me where you are tomorrow. I'll come.

Good. Okay. Thanks.

Bye.

-That's perfect. -I didn't feel like doing it though.

-Look, your ass is completely white! -Because I'm white.

Why are you making such tragic faces?

I'm dealing with some shit at work.

Come on, stop lying.

We can tell that you fucked a chick again

and now you don't know how to get out of it.

Come on. Confess.

I can't. You'd be too envious.

Well, that's good actually.

-What is? -Not lying to anyone for at least a day.

-That's a good task. -You think?

I really think so. Do you lie often?

Me? To who?

I don't know to who. Anyone. Your mom? I don't know.

It's funny, at high school we despised everyone who wasn't 100% honest.

And now for many different reasons we feel that telling the truth is bullshit.

And that lying is more reasonable. It's weird, isn't it?

You mean that our balls shrink when we don't have the guts to tell the truth?

Exactly.

And what rules should such a game have?

Simple.

You just have to answer any question with 100% honesty throughout the entire day.

No exceptions.

Whatever is anyone asking.

And how can we prove the fulfillment of such a task?

We can't, this task will simply be evaluated by ourselves.

I agree.

-So do I. -Great!

Don't count on me.

If I had to be honest with everyone all day,

all hell would break loose and I'd be dead by the evening.

Alone or in the crowd

I can't get you off my mind

I can't get you off my mind I think you might know

Listen, guys, I really learnt the whole thing.

But if we play it so sluggishly, I can't do it.

We have to play it harder, so I can get into it a bit at least.

Or I'll feel like a total faggot.

Alright then. It'll be a bit different at least.

I agree.

Let's get wild, dude. Cool. Let's do it.

Get involved a bit more.

Harder!

Alone or in the crowd I can't get you off my mind

I can't get you off my mind I think you might know

I'm known for that and I'm ready to forget about my fatigue

Forget about my fatigue and Earth's gravity

Well, that sounds better, doesn't it?

-Alright… watch it, man! -Sorry.

Look.

Now's your chance.

-You're drooling… -Okay…

Listen, you know what "reasonable“ means, right?

Yeah, I do. No drooling, no flirting, no banging female students.

So remember it, man!

Listen, thanks for finding me this job.

-Goodnight. -Goodnight.

Can I help you with something, Captain?

No.

Are you sure?

Please. Just for a while.

The girls are looking at me.

I'm floating I'm flying at supersonic speed

I'm flying I'm floating and I do so with joy

I'm floating I'm flying, flight has become my quality

I'm flying, I'm floating with joy

Healthy. Tasty. Fragrant. That's me.

Traditional. Instant. Vegetable.

Could you go home please?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

You're such a loser.

Hi.

Hi, I can see you're awake. Can I stop by for a while?

Hello, do you hear me?

Now?

What's going on?

I just don't feel like going home.

So I'm driving around looking for a place where I won't feel completely awful.

Because of Klára?

Yeah.

Ring the bell when you park the car.

Thanks.

Yes?

Hello, could you call me in fifteen minutes, please?

I need to be rescued.

You know what? Go to hell.

Could you stop thinking about my appalling character and help me? Please.

I'm such a cow! Why am I even talking to you?

You are very kind. Thanks!

I might still have to go to Barrandov.

I'm shooting tomorrow and there're some problems with decoration,

-so I'm on the phone. -I see.

What would you do if you were me and found out that Klára was cheating on you?

I would try to forget about it.

Forget about it?

I'd just wipe it out of my head.

Klára loves you. That's clear.

It must have been a meaningless fling.

I'm not sure if it was a meaningless fling.

If she didn't love you, she would have left you ages ago.

I know her, she can't pretend things.

Or do you think she can?

I'm not sure about anything anymore.

I don't know what she wants from me.

And I don't even know what I want from her. If anything at all.

Just don't think you'd be better off without her.

Or you'll end up like me.

You definitely won't feel any better.

So how is it going?

Yeah.

Really?

I'll be there in a minute.

-Sorry. -No, it's okay. Thanks a lot.

What for?

Well, for example for not coming up with a stupid excuse after

I called you in the middle of the night.

Alright, good luck at work.

Yeah, sure, take care.

-You too. Bye. -Bye.

Daddy, Daddy?

What's going on? What's going on? What's up?

Come here, come here.

Dad, you'll never die, right?

What? Did you have a bad dream?

You're not going to die, are you?

It's daylight already?

Damn it.

You're not going to die, are you?

I'm going to die, but only after a very long time.

But why?

What kind of questions is that, kitty?

Everybody has to die.

Even mom?

Well…

Are you crazy? What're you telling her?

Sorry. But I have to tell the truth all day long today. Damn it.

What? Don't worry.

Where are you going this early?

To work.

I see. And when will you come back?

At night.

Again?

What are you going to do all day?

Shampoo gave me a role in a commercial.

To you?

Yes.

Why to you?

I asked him if he had anything for me.

Why?

Because I was fired.

What?

Don't worry. I'll earn enough money.

I'm shooting all day today and then singing with the band in the evening.

What band?

Well, Femme Fatale.

I'll play with them at a few corporate parties. So bye, bye and kisses.

Healthy. Tasty. Fragrant. That's me.

That's me.

Traditional. Instant. Vegetable.

Yeah, every gourmet dreams of instant soup.

-Yeah, every gourmet dreams of soup. -Stop, good.

We'll just get the details worked out.

You're great.

Am I not pathetic?

Yes, you are. But that's exactly what we need.

Are you okay? Can I get you something?

-No, thanks. -Thank you.

Girls, I need a bit more energy from you.

Isn't that leek a bit weird?

Well, I don't know, what do you think?

Could you smile a bit more?

Like this, director?

Thanks.

So, let's do it again.

Healthy. Tasty. Fragrant. That's me.

That's me.

Traditional. Instant. Vegetable.

Yeah, every gourmet dreams of instant soup.

Yeah, every gourmet dreams…

Can you explain to me what the leek is doing there?

He's looking forward to being in the soup, just like the other vegetables.

He's tall, can't dance and is a bit dangly.

You wanted a commercial with humor, didn't you?

Tell the man to ease back.

-It'll be fine. Trust me. -Tell him to slow down!

Yeah, every gourmet dreams of instant soup.

-Yeah, every gourmet dreams of soup. -Stop!

The leek should slow down a bit, please! Make it a bit more subtle, okay?

But you wanted to make it funny.

Is it possible to slow down a little?

Sure. As you wish.

Okay, one more time.

Good morning. Your coffee. Are you okay?

Not really. Why are they clapping?

We're all glad that you didn't sell the company.

That's great.

Well, apart from Max, actually.

Sure.

What are you doing?

The Americans backed out. I had to get it out of my system.

Yeah, sure. Take it easy.

-What? -What the fuck is pissing you off?

That you won't make more millions?

You have enough money already. Why do you need more?

You're acting like an irresponsible dick.

And I feel better like this. When my head isn't controlled by a calculator.

I'm sorry, but… the TV people have just arrived.

Should they wait in the boardroom?

You mean for me?

Yeah. You promised an interview.

But I don't want to do any interviews right now.

Don't be cross, but yesterday you said you wouldn't send them away if they came.

-Did I really say that? -Yeah.

Alright then. So let's do an interview.

Please…

May I ask you to be nice and polite during the interview?

At least smile a little and don't cause even more problems with your…

new feelings?

-Can you try that? -Yeah.

-I can try that. -Thanks.

Wouldn't a suit be more suitable for the interview?

I'll tell them you'll be there in a minute.

Okay.

Hi.

Hello, listen, I wanted to ask you,

are we still…

What are you doing there, are you fucking?

Yeah.

Really?

No.

So what are you doing there?

I'm preparing my sperm for a lab analysis.

Dude, that's perfect.

It means that I have to tell the truth as well, right?

Well, you don't have to. If you don't mind being a loser.

Cool.

Thanks. Have a nice day.

You too.

Shall we?

Yeah, I'm rolling!

Is it true that IT companies offer customers "perfect innovations“

which are in fact technologically obsolete products?

Does your company do that as well?

Yes.

So you admit it.

Yes.

Can you explain to our viewers how it works?

If we want to make the customer buy a new program every year,

we must present the offered products as bulletproof

and at the same time finalize the development of their improved versions.

There has been recent speculation in the media

that your company intentionally generates viruses that infect your own programs.

Is it true?

It is.

And what's the point in that?

The point is that we increase the demand for our antivirus products.

Doesn't that seem a little unethical to you?

The main purpose of every company's existence is to generate profit.

Everything else is just a marketing fairytale to make the customer spend

as much money as possible.

We're real bastards, aren't we?

Hop, hop, hop, okay.

Wider, come on.

Now. That's it.

Is that clear?

Now you.

Holy smoke.

Is there anything you can't do, Captain?

That's a question I'm supposed to answer, right?

Yeah. Sure.

I can't do it with girls.

What can't you do with girls?

Anything.

What do you mean by that?

Everything.

And why?

Because…

I'm a lout.

What's funny about that?

In instant soup, yeah, yeah

Stop!

MISS VITAMIN

Can you tell me what you're doing?

-Nothing now. -Show me.

Director.

I don't want an allergy sufferer to act in a healthy soup commercial.

What?

This man is allergic to makeup.

It's okay. I can handle it.

-We can keep shooting. -Yeah.

Yeah? You have eyes like an Angora rabbit!

We can move him to the back.

Are you kidding?

Replace this Dracula, immediately.

Wait. I've been fooling around here since morning,

so I'll only leave when I get paid.

Based on the contract you should actually pay a fine

for concealing your allergy and delaying the shooting.

So shut up, take off the costume and piss off!

-Stop yelling at me. -Can you fire the idiot?

Hey, be reasonable. I'll give you the money myself.

I don't want your money. I want that arrogant prick's money.

Stop it. Stop it.

Why don't I remember this actor from the casting, director?

Did you cast a role in a commercial which

our company pays for without my permission?

A role for your friend without my approval?

Or am I wrong? He is not your friend?

No, he's not. He's tall, so he was good for the role.

But of course, if you wish, I can recast him.

Perfect.

You're acting like a douchebag.

You should try to muster the courage and start telling the truth

for at least one day of your life.

Wait, wait. Are you okay?

Don't touch me, don't touch me.

Somebody help!

Get me out of this. Get me out!

Hello.

I'm sorry, but could you possibly find out where Klára's car is now?

It has a registered satellite search option.

Why don't you just call her?

I don't want her to know I'm looking for her.

I was hoping she went to the cottage, but she didn't.

I was there last night.

You went to the Giant Mountains to see her?

Yeah.

Can you help me?

I just need to know where she is.

Send me the license plate number.

Thanks.

Bye.

Bon appetite.

Those bitches put carrot in there again, man.

They always put it there, don't they?

And peas as well, man.

You're such a loser.

Good morning. Can I help you? What size is your wife?

I don't know.

Where are the fitting rooms?

Over there.

Damn it!

Sir?

This is the women's department.

I know.

Almost finished.

Cash registers?

Hello.

I've found it. Thanks for your help.

No problem.

You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?

No, don't worry.

Bye.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

I'm sorry, but could you tell me if she's staying here?

Are you from the police?

No. She's my wife.

Sorry, but I can't give any information about our guests.

Sure.

Yes, she's staying here.

Alone?

Yeah.

And did she have a visitor?

No. She left a while ago.

If you haven't heard it yet, the party is at Cobra Bar starting at half past eight.

Great, perfect.

Looking forward to seeing you there. Oh, I'm sorry.

So?

It worked out quite well in the end, didn't it?

What is it?

Feel free to tell me the truth, I can handle it.

It's shit.

What?

It's shit.

If you think so.

If you still haven’t returned the walkie-talkies to the production,

please do it now.

That was great!

You deserve a kiss for this, cowboy.

Would you like to snuggle up to me in my bed today?

I wouldn't. And don't touch me.

Why do you have to act like an unbearable idiot so often?

Don't shoot me… yeah… wait…

Grandma!

Yeah. Perfect hit. I'm dead.

Mom. There's a gentleman here.

Who?

Hello.

Hello.

Who is he?

Do you remember how we talked about Daddy the other day?

Is that him?

Hello.

Why don't you live with us if you're my dad?

Why did you leave us?

I was scared.

Of what?

That I'll have to stay with you forever.

And why were you afraid of that?

Because I wasn't sure if I really wanted to.

So do you want to or not?

I still don't know.

Peter.

Peter.

Oh, hello.

-Hi. Hi, Mom. -Hi.

So I wish you all the best.

And also some nice shows on TV that you can finally enjoy watching.

And this is something nice to smoke.

Oh, thank you, my boy.

What is that lovely smell?

We have a visitor.

Good evening.

I've told you a hundred times. Stop trying to find me a woman!

But this is Irenka, she's really nice.

She's the nurse I told you about!

She's looking for a place to stay, so she'll live here with me now.

What?

She's come to help me with cooking.

Don't you think you should have asked me first?

And did you ask me when you decided to move out?

I just want to say that the turkey will be ready in five minutes,

so I should probably go.

No way! It's my birthday today and I want to have dinner with both of you.

How was your day today?

Nothing interesting happened.

Come on! Irenka might be interested too. Right?

Of course. I hear you teach martial arts.

When I was little, I did judo.

I see.

Can't you just simply tell us what you did today?

I don't even know how you live.

Mom, please, I don't really want to.

Can't you push yourself a bit today?

At least a little.

Okay.

I masturbated in the morning in order to deliver a semen sample.

Around noon I was drooling like a real loser

while looking at my students' breasts at the punching bags.

Later I felt really ashamed at my urology appointment,

as during my last visit I unsuccessfully invited the urologist on a date,

right after she stuck her finger in my ass.

And before I came here, I fell asleep for a while and had a dream

about you and me on vacation somewhere by the sea.

So this has been my whole day.

But the dream was really nice, wasn't it?

There's nothing more desperate than when a 45-year-old son dreams about

his own mother putting sunscreen on his back.

It was a shitty dream, Mom.

Like everything else that happened to me today.

Are you satisfied?

-I also had a dream. -Yes?

I dreamed I was so fat that I wouldn't fit in the tram.

I blocked the door with my bottom.

And I was riding like that around Prague until the driver pulled me

out at Pankrác depot.

Your effort is pointless. I won't invite you on a date.

From the first moment it is very clear to me

that you are as desperate as I am.

Go after her at once and apologize.

Do you have tachycardia?

Go to her.

-Should I call an ambulance? -No.

Are you sure?

I'm sure I'll feel better if you go and apologize.

Stop pretending you're dying. You can only blame yourself for this.

Enjoy your meal.

Good evening. Has my wife come back yet?

Can you tell me her room number?

She has a visitor.

Who?

A 45-year-old man, I'd say.

-He came a while ago. -The room number?

I don't want to have any problems.

If you don't tell me the number, I'll start banging on all doors.

Sooner or later, I'll find out which room it is. Very soon, in fact.

-Three hundred and two. -Thank you.

Everything I do is wrong.

Matthew will never forgive me.

Should I say something to you or not?

You should make peace with Karel.

I'll blame myself forever otherwise.

What do you think I should do?

I don't even know if Karel wants me to come back home.

He didn't even call me.

Don't worry, he'll find you.

Klára.

Yes?

Can I enter?

Are you alone?

Yeah.

I thought you wanted to go somewhere.

Well, I didn't go anywhere.

I'm looking for you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You know, I wanted to tell you that I love you.

That I never cared about anyone as much as I care about you.

But I'm really sorry about this.

-Sorry about what? -That you're lying to me.

Oh.

-Who do you have here? -Karel, wait!

-Is he in there? In the bathroom? -No. No.

No, no, no. Wait a minute. Karel, Karel, please.

-Stop it! -Show yourself!

Karel! Karel! Stop it! Stop it!

Wait!

Is it okay now? Am I showing enough emotions to your satisfaction?

Calm down.

-Come on, show yourself! -I know what it looks like, but…

It looks really stupid!

We were just talking. I can explain it to you, Karel.

Just stay calm!

It's not what you think.

You're supposed to be my friend and not hide in the bathroom.

But I am your friend.

No, you are not.

-Karel, please. -Don't touch me!

Karel…

CONCERTS

You're an angel, Mrs. Hrdličková! They are all asleep.

If anything happens, call me.

Don't worry. Just enjoy your evening with your husband.

Well, thank you.

Then look where there is no earthly gravity

Stay down for now, I'm a woman

I am a woman

A long white glowing comet sweeps the Milky Way in the distance

However, my heat is much closer

A long white glowing comet

It may be a century-old lady

But I'm younger, twenty and a couple…

Tell me

On behalf of all flowers

Tell me

More beautifully than ever before

tell me…

I'm totally crazy about him, he's gorgeous!

Honey, I love you

Do you think he's gay?!

Of course he is, just look at him.

My head sounds like a beehive

our bed makes us warm and protects us

Your words smell so nice

Great!

…long, black and white…

That was just great!

I knew it.

-You have to sing with us all the time. -Sure.

We'll have so many gigs!

-Wait a minute. -Give me five.

-Hop, hop. Give me five. -Wait.

What's up?

He's amazing!

What are you doing here?

Who's babysitting the girls?

What are you doing here?

What do you think? I'm singing. I told you in the morning.

And you like it?

I don't like it.

Or maybe I do. I don't know. I have to earn money somehow.

Why did you come?

I saw you buying this dress in the afternoon.

What?

Does it make you feel good?

-What the hell are you talking about? -How long have you been lying to me?

I don't lie to you.

Or maybe I do, because you're pregnant and you're stressed about everything.

Stressed? You're acting so weird.

And how should I act?

You're fulfilling your dream about having a big family

with the fourth girl in your belly. And I'm just trying to survive.

So stop looking at me so reproachfully.

Oh man.

-Let's give them an encore. -Yeah, I'm coming.

You know what?

Wait for me here, sit down. Two more songs and then we go home.

What are you doing there, Captain?

I'm looking at boobs, but they're not really visible.

No girl will sleep with you if you act like this, Captain.

Go!

Okay. Goodnight. Sorry, Captain.

Excuse me, have you seen my pregnant wife somewhere around here by any chance?

An ambulance came for a pregnant woman a while ago.

What?

And when exactly?

About five minutes ago. Sorry, I have to go to the bar.

Shit. Shit!

Ľubica! Ľubica…

MATERNITY WARD

Ľubica.

-Are you the father? -Yeah.

Just wait here!

What's up? Are you okay?

-Wait here. Calm down. Let's go. -Yeah.

-I'll talk to you later. -Ľubica.

Hi, Dad.

Why did you leave us?

Yeah?

Where the hell are you? We have to start rolling in a moment.

I'm really sorry.

I won't come today.

Sorry.

Wait!

Wait, wait, stop it. Stop it, Ema, someone's calling me. Wait.

Yes?

I'm announcing the third round of the game.

We all have to do what we fear the most.

What? Stop it! Girls, stop it!

You have to do what you know is right,

but you're afraid of it.

That's a good third task, isn't it?

You know what? I don't have time for your smart ideas right now.

Ľubica almost miscarried last night.

She'll stay in hospital until she gives birth and I'm totally fucked.

So confide in someone else, alright? Sorry. Sorry.

Come on, girls, we have to hurry.

And this song goes to everyone who is affected,

just like all of us here, by today's tragic death of

the director of our favorite TV series.

We are the Stars.

Who doesn't hop, isn't Czech! Hop, hop, hop!

Who doesn't hop, isn't Czech! Hop, hop, hop!

Who doesn't hop, isn't Czech! Hop, hop, hop!

Full Stop, buddy, happy New Year!

May you

avoid all bullets on your mission

and may your balls be shaken by pretty female soldiers.

And I hope that when you come back you'll find a woman,

stay here and go for drinks.

Think about it, buddy.

Bye.

Don't be mad at me anymore, please.

Girls, go and play in your room.

Shampoo introduced you to Klára, didn't he?

Yeah.

He introduced me to one girl as well.

She was probably the most beautiful girl I've ever slept with.

He said she liked it so much that she wouldn't even mind my stupid bullshit.

Did she have red hair?

Yeah.

He introduced me to her too.

He said he couldn't get rid of her.

Yeah, he was quite generous, that's true.

So our famous game's over.

Shampoo suggested a third task.

What?

That everyone should do what they fear the most.

Darling?

Hi, are you coming? I miss you so much.

Yeah, we're leaving now.

Don't worry.

I have everything packed. I won't forget anything.

-It's not working. -Give it some time, it will.

Even the books. We'll be with you in a moment.

-Stop it. -It's useless!

Yeah.

Well, I'm really looking forward to you all.

-Bye, bye and kisses. -Bye, bye and kisses.

-Exactly. -Wait.

Come here.

Come on, come on.

We'll help you with the girls.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I can stay with you. I can cook quite well. And the girls will enjoy it.

Yeah.

Thank you, guys.

-Stop screaming. -Yeah, yeah.

Good morning.

Good morning.

I'm looking for a nurse called Irenka.

Irenka?

Thank you.

Good morning.

I've come to tell you that…

I'm an idiot.

And that I'd be sad if you didn't move to my mother's place just because of me.

So perhaps I'll see you there one day.

Okay, I'm going now.

They swore love to each other

Under the bridge arch

And then they were together

Throughout the life…

-Thanks. -Please.

They swore love to each other

They had only modest wishes

August shooting stars

And perhaps besides love

Nothing bothered me

They had only modest wishes

Time is responsible for everything

The one that hides in us

And one second is longer than a year

He left one morning

-And he took their memories with him -Lovely pancakes, beautifully prepared.

Who wants them? Who deserves a pancake? Come on.

Enjoy your meal!

And no one cried at all

-Hello. -Hi.

-He left one morning… -So what?

Beautiful.

Time is responsible for everything

The one that hides in us

Suddenly it speeds up its step

Time is responsible for everything

The one who hides in us

One second is longer than a year

BASED ON THE BOOK MONAD, SHAMPOO, FULL STOP AND KAREL