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1
00:00:02,544 --> 00:00:04,034
I' He's Dynamite J”.
2
00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:07,375
I' So dynamite J...
3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,342
I' Ooohhh, ooohhh I'
4
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:13,089
a“ Ooohhh a“.
5
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,386
A“ Ahhhh A“.
6
00:00:16,642 --> 00:00:18,974
I' He's Dynamite J”.
7
00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:21,685
I' Dy-no, dy-no J”
8
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:25,015
I' Ooohhh, ooohhh I'
9
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:27,600
a " Oooohhhh I"
10
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:30,186
I' Dynamite! Dynamite! J”.
11
00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:33,818
This week...
12
00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:40,905
BULLHORN: Bitch, get
your hands off my sack.
13
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:43,707
I got to deliver to Santa,
and I'll be right back.
14
00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:46,081
Special delivery
Bullhorn is the name,
15
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:49,505
and laying pipe across the
whole North Pole is my game.
16
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:52,629
Ain't no letters worse than the
ones that come from orpheens.
17
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,381
Their stories break your heart
and make you want to shoot that
18
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,758
morphine.
19
00:00:56,848 --> 00:01:00,466
"A|| I want for Christmas is
some parents with no arms
20
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,770
and no legs so they can never
shoot smack and run away.
21
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,220
Little Orphan Penny."
22
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,898
But this year, not only
have these orpheens lost
23
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,352
their holiday excite,
they also lost their
24
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:13,779
like for their sole legal
guardian, Black Dynamite!
25
00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:17,866
I' Check them hos,
but keep them jolly I'
26
00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:20,240
I' Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la I'
27
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,537
a“ We, Chfistmas, so
don't choke nobody a“
28
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,786
I' Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la I'
29
00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:27,083
I' No, we don't
do gay apparel J”.
30
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,189
P No, no, no, no, no, no a“
31
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:29,669
I' Hell, no, no J”
32
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,919
I' Uh, can't think of shit
that rhymes with apparel ♪
33
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:36,674
I' Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la I'
34
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,674
All right, who wants to help.
35
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,927
Black Dynamite spruce
up this Douglas fir?
36
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:45,057
[cricket chirping ]
37
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:47,417
I'm starting to get the feeling
that me and that cricket are the
38
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,057
only ones with any
Christmas spirit.
39
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,151
What gives?
40
00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:51,337
It ain't Christmas,
Black Dynamite.
41
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,271
It's you.
42
00:01:52,362 --> 00:01:53,568
Me?
43
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,049
I've been giving these
children the Christmas of
44
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,655
their miserable, little lives.
45
00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:59,905
Do you mean like yesterday,
when you took them to see Santa?
46
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,161
Ho, ho, ho.
47
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:04,267
What do you want for Christmas?
48
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:05,122
[gun cocks]
49
00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:06,573
I' Dynamite! Dynamite J”.
50
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:09,285
Little motherless Penny ain't
no ho-ho-ho, Santa Claus!
51
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,790
She's a goddamn orphan!
52
00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:11,881
Now say it!
53
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,205
[ Screams ]
54
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,756
Least I apologized.
55
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:16,425
I think you might
be missing the point.
56
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,548
The point is I spent the
rest of the day doing what
57
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,175
they wanted to do.
58
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:22,848
Snowball fi-i-i-ght!
59
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,845
[ laughs]
60
00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:28,179
- Suey! Suey! Suey!
- [screams]
61
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,014
I' Dynamite! Dynamite J”
62
00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,816
[ laughs]
63
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:35,645
Black Dyna...
mite, you... ain't shit.
64
00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:37,800
I gave him some ice for
his little ruptured spleen and
65
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,360
broken pelvis.
66
00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:41,613
That shit was in the
spirit of seasonal fun,
67
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:45,071
which brings to mind the
amazing job of decorating we did!
68
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,497
Now, little orphan
Arnold, plug it in!
69
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,121
[ Electricity crackles ]
70
00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:55,334
[screaming 1 See right here...
71
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,211
This is what
Christmas is all about!
72
00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:59,384
This is not what
Christmas is all abo-o-ut!
73
00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,425
Hmm, you're saying
all the time, care,
74
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,099
and effort I put into Christmas
was really just a selfish ego
75
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,768
trip in which I tried to
project some fantasy
76
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,640
of a happy childhood
I never had?
77
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,142
Mm-hmm.
78
00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,644
Damn.
79
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,816
Self-awareness is a cold mother.
80
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,519
[sighs]
81
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,274
I know this ain't
gonna be fair on y'all,
82
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,322
but here goes.
83
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:22,446
Scram, I say! Scram!
84
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,776
Split the scene, you turkeys!
85
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,326
Get out of my Christmas!
86
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:26,414
GIRL: Girl, don't worry.
87
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:27,684
He gonna see us
in a few minutes.
88
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:28,976
I'll see y'all in a few minutes.
89
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,616
GIRL: Told you.
90
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,081
[slurps]
91
00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,759
Black Dynamite, I'm gonna
give it to you straight with no
92
00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,257
shit in a crock.
93
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,385
You might cop hos by the flock,
but sometimes you ain't the most
94
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,307
likeable motherfucker
on the block.
95
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,497
CREAM CORN: Hey, man, you
can't help it if you just unlikeable, B.D.
96
00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:51,207
You got to blame that
on Mama and your Daddy.
97
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,347
If I can't even get them
to like me on Christmas,
98
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:55,044
then what's the point of
feeding and sheltering and
99
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,604
putting clothes on these little
100
00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,561
motherfuckers
in the first place?
101
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:01,272
Speaking of little motherfuckers,
little orphan Arnold,
102
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:03,052
if you could have anything
in the world for Christmas,
103
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,817
what would it be?
104
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:12,374
Little orphan Arnold, I don't
know what the fuck this is.
105
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,747
It's O.J. Simpson.
106
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:14,872
Haven't you heard?
107
00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,499
He's going to the
moon on Christmas.
108
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,317
What you talking about,
little orphan Arnold?
109
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:20,027
We love him more than
anything in the world.
110
00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,839
And if you was anything like
O.J., we would love you, too.
111
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:26,968
BULLHORN: Man, O.J. will be the
biggest, blackest monolith in outer space
112
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:31,302
since Stanley Kubrick
made "2001" in 1968.
113
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:32,852
He's that great.
114
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:35,806
Bullhorn, now, don't tell me
you all on O.J.'s rocket, too.
115
00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:38,518
Black Dynamite, I ain't
bone-jacking The Juice or
116
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,479
fag hagging at all, but
this feeling in my balls
117
00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:44,736
tells me you got a heavy
history with old Orenthal.
118
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:47,113
Well, Bullhorn, now that
you dragged the shit out of me
119
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,694
that I didn't want dragged out,
120
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,575
I might as well take
it out all the way.
121
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:53,327
You see, me and O.J.
Simpson grew up together in our
122
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,659
childrenhood back
when I was a children.
123
00:04:57,547 --> 00:05:00,790
The truth is I had likability
issues even back then.
124
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,591
WOMAN: 10-year-old
Black Dynamite,
125
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,465
please spell "White"
and use it in a sentence.
126
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:09,048
"White"... H-o-n-k-y... "White."
127
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,054
"The man is a honky
devil"... "White."
128
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,226
WOMAN: No, I'm sorry.
129
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,304
That is incorrect,
Black Dynamite.
130
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,139
True, but incorrect.
131
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:18,645
Orenthal James.
132
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:23,482
"White"... W-H-I-T-E... "White."
133
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:26,486
"| would love to be
an honorary white"...
134
00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:28,442
A "White ."
135
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:29,777
[applause]
136
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,236
[camera shutter clicks]
137
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,913
When it came to
O.J., on the other hand,
138
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,364
everybody liked him...
139
00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,496
White people,
caucasians, honkeys,
140
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,122
crackers, snowflakes...
You name it.
141
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,500
[man coughs]
142
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:43,048
Truth is if it wasn't for me,
143
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,590
he could have never
pranced his way
144
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,385
to victory time and time again.
145
00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,506
Ohh!
146
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,087
[ Screams ]
147
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,889
Oh, there it is! Touchdown!
148
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:54,014
Where the white women at?!
149
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,015
[camera shutter clicks]
150
00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:58,097
But even though he
wouldn't even exist if
151
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,148
it wasn't for the man
behind the man...
152
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,600
A.K.A. me...
153
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,483
Black Dynamite... All
anybody ever cared about was.
154
00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:07,281
O.J. Simpson... A.K.A. him...
155
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,905
Number 32, "The Juice."
156
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:11,996
Wow!
157
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,073
You know 0.3.'?!
158
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:14,074
Correction...
159
00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:15,951
O.J. Simpson knows
Black Dynamite.
160
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,454
Can you get O.J. Simpson to
bring us back some moon rocks
161
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:19,751
for Christmas?
162
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:20,838
Moon rocks?
163
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:22,066
Now, what kind of dumb-ass...
164
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,860
Please, please, please,
please, please, please!
165
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,170
All right, all right.
166
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:27,446
Since you little orphans are
getting all wet in the underoos
167
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,302
over O.J. Simpson
going to the moon,
168
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:33,053
I will get O.J. to bring you orphans
back a moon rock for Christmas.
169
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,975
[children cheering ]
170
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,849
Now, who is the most likeable
motherfucker that ever lived'?!
171
00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:40,397
ALL: O.J.! O.J.! O.J.!
172
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:43,396
I' Dynamite! Dynamite J”.
173
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:47,688
MAN: Now, O.J.,
there's no need to worry,
174
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,614
but if you secure
your helmet incorrectly,
175
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:54,241
you may experience
a major malfunction.
176
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:55,241
Damn!
177
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:57,243
O.J. Orenthal
motherfuckin' Simpson.
178
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:58,244
Black Dynamite!
179
00:06:58,335 --> 00:06:59,700
What's happening, man?!
180
00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:02,252
I always said you'd go to
the moon for the white man,
181
00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,956
but I never thought you'd go
to the moon for the white man.
182
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:07,132
Well, B.D., I've already
broken several NFL records,
183
00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:08,754
had a pretty decent
part in "Roots,"
184
00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,073
and my name is damn near
synonymous with a very lucrative
185
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,553
and popular rent-a-car industry.
186
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,076
I've pretty much
conquered the Earth.
187
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,287
So I guess the moon was
just the next logical step for me.
188
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,580
But I'm surprised
to see you here, bro.
189
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:18,514
Me too.
190
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:19,970
But don't get the wrong idea.
191
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,227
I ain't here to congratulate
you or no shit like that.
192
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,354
I'm here because these
motherless and fatherless
193
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,560
orphans want a damn
moon rock for Christmas.
194
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:29,147
Dumb shit I know, but
since you was going that way,
195
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:30,718
I think you might be
able to help me out.
196
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,028
[watermelon explodes]
197
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:35,156
[ Groans ]
198
00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:36,361
Hey, I got an idea.
199
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,242
Why don't you come
with me, Black Dynamite?
200
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,915
What you talking
about, O.J. Simpson?
201
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:41,729
You and me could be the
first black men on the moon...
202
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,039
Together!
203
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,496
Hmm. Now, Black Dynamite
don't normally go to the moon
204
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,376
because of O.J.
Simpson asking him to,
205
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,654
but since this seems like a
coincidence or opportunity to
206
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:53,046
accomplish the unrealistic goal of
getting moon rocks for Christmas,
207
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,499
and I'm trying to
be more likeable,
208
00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:57,675
Black Dynamite says okay, O.J.
209
00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:01,933
In a surprising last-minute
move, M.A.S.A. has announced
210
00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:03,709
that the very likeable
and universally appealing.
211
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,896
O.J. Simpson will be joined by
the much more controversial and
212
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,321
far less likeable black
revolutionary vigilante pimp
213
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,148
antihero Black Dynamite.
214
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,529
And, yes, folks, that
is his government.
215
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:17,782
If you time the staging
of our rocket improperly,
216
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:21,206
you may experience
a major malfunction.
217
00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,329
Aah! Uh!
218
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,582
[breathing heavily]
219
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,975
[whimpering]
220
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:43,770
[grunting ]
221
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:48,187
Suey! Suey!
222
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,645
[ "Monday Night
Football" theme plays]
223
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:53,197
If you miss your
re-entry trajectory,
224
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:58,528
your capsule may experience
a major malfunction!
225
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:00,487
[gasps]
226
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:09,079
This is gonna be one
little, Biddy, small step
227
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,380
for Black Dynamite,
228
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,334
and one giant leap for
the rest of you turkeys.
229
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,314
And it looks like mission
control is ready to begin
230
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:28,189
counting down.
231
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:31,519
And we are a go for launch.
232
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:37,403
T-minus 10...
9... 8... 7... [sighs]
233
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,013
I don't know if you realize
this, Black Dynamite,
234
00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:41,278
but being O.J. Simpson
is a lot of pressure, man.
235
00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:43,033
White folks expect
so much from you.
236
00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:44,580
You keep trying
to outdo yourself,
237
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,249
and you keep
smiling 'cause, well,
238
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,872
that's what a hero
is supposed to do.
239
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,899
But to be honest, man,
I'm tired of being a puppet
240
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,254
for these white folks.
241
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:54,584
The last few weeks working with
you made me realize something.
242
00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,668
I got to be true to myself, man.
243
00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,800
Thank you, Black Dynamite.
244
00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:02,053
You know, O.J., I
resented you for a long time,
245
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,180
but now I'm
seeing you different.
246
00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:08,059
For the first time I'm actually
starting to like you, O.J.
247
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,639
[OJ]?
248
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:12,897
What the... [marching
band playing]
249
00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,215
Now who's going to the
moon for the white man?
250
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,729
Good luck finding
those rocks, sucker!
251
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,064
Ignition!
252
00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,274
O.J. Simpson, you
jive-ass motherfucker!
253
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:20,700
[ Screams ]
254
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:21,993
I' Dynamite! Dynamite J”.
255
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,414
BULLHORN: Now Black
Dynamite is literally out of sight!
256
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,038
O.J. Simpson,
257
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,410
if you think Black Dynamite
can't put his foot in your ass
258
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,546
from the moon, you
better not think it again!
259
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:41,676
Now, what kind of spacely
sprocket bull snot is this here?
260
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:43,632
Calm down, Black
Astronaut Dynamite.
261
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:45,808
This is a simple science
mission from M.A.S.A.
262
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:49,513
Everything will be just fine, as long
as there isn't a major malfunction.
263
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:50,642
[alarm blaring ]
264
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:51,643
What the hell is this?
265
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,099
Hey, man, your red light is on!
266
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,231
I said your red
light is on, man!
267
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,437
Don't worry, Black
Astronaut Dynamite.
268
00:10:57,532 --> 00:11:00,650
M.A.S.A.'s designed a special
program to translate technical
269
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:05,161
jargon to... you
people... of... your kind.
270
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,643
Your rocket wiring is getting
hotter than a motherfucker and your
271
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,658
heat shield ain't wonfh
two damns, neither.
272
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:10,752
[ laughs ]
273
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:11,705
What the hell do you mean,
274
00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:13,082
stereotypical
black-jargon light?
275
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,254
And what are you saying?
276
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:15,734
Say, man, if I was you,
I'd get the hell up out
277
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:17,669
this rocket, man.
278
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:18,841
Goonie-goo-goo!
279
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,214
Now, that's a fire!
280
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:21,966
[ laughs ]
281
00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:24,410
CREAM CORN: Is it normal for a
rocket ship to be on fire like that?
282
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,578
I mean, I watch a lot of movies.
283
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:28,811
That usually means that
somebody about to die.
284
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,416
MISSION CONTROL: Look,
Black Astronaut Dynamite,
285
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,772
M.A.S.A. appreciates
your sacrifice.
286
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:33,974
Sincerely, he does.
287
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:35,254
Man, you better sincerely get.
288
00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:37,565
Black Dynamite's ass
out of this damn rocket!
289
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:41,523
Aw, your shit's about
to blow up in 7... 6
290
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,609
aw, damn, I counted wrong.
291
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,193
[ laughs ]
292
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:49,539
ALL: [gasp]
293
00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:50,832
Oh, Lord, I'm fainting.
294
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:51,750
Oh!
295
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:53,998
Aah!
296
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,453
Black Astronaut Dynamite.
297
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,755
Come in, Black
Astronaut Dynamite!
298
00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:59,128
Ohh!
299
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,051
Don't you die on me!
300
00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:03,469
[alarm blares]
301
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,593
Well, that's all
M.A.S.A. can do.
302
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:07,890
Who's up for some Roscoe's?
303
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:10,218
I' Dynamite! Dynamite J”
304
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,020
'Twas the night
before Christmas,
305
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:15,269
and all through the place,
there were no bitches in bed
306
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,067
nor honkeys being chased
307
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:20,942
because Black Dynamite's
ass was lost in space.
308
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:24,115
[echoing ] Space,
space... [women weeping]
309
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:27,115
Today on this wonderful
snow-white Christmas eve,
310
00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,663
our nation mourns
another almost-was that
311
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:33,708
could have been, but
was never meant to be.
312
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:37,004
Good night, sweet Dynamite.
313
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,378
Your blackness will
never be forgotten.
314
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:41,333
Lord, no!
315
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,088
Jesus, Lord, why him?!
316
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:47,047
You could have took
anybody but him ...or me.
317
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:50,224
Does this mean we're
not getting moon rocks?
318
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,221
YOU!
319
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,677
Y'all did this!
320
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,981
You killed Black Dynamite with
your moon rocks and your dreams
321
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,354
and your hopes
for a better future!
322
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,481
And now he's dead!
323
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:02,232
Right before Christmas!
324
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,439
[ Screams ]
325
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:05,865
I'm sorry.
326
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:06,987
I guess I went too far.
327
00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:08,347
It's a stressful
time of the year.
328
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,515
I mean, y'all burnt the turkey.
329
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,325
Uh, Black Dynamite's burnt up.
330
00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,373
Let's deck the halls, fuck it.
331
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,913
Man, I ain't never
done no crying.
332
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,372
I ain't lying.
333
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:21,831
Are you okay, Bullhorn?
334
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,293
I guess the shock and
disbelief will stick with me
335
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:27,675
for a while because getting
killed in the line of duty
336
00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:29,756
just wasn't Black
Dynamite's style.
337
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,137
I know.
338
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:34,640
But for the sake of those whores
and those orphans in that there
339
00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:37,894
whorephanage and for
Black Dynamite up in heaven,
340
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,225
we're gonna have to pull
together to honor his big,
341
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:45,406
black memory and make
this the best Christmas ever.
342
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,052
Now, how the hell are
we supposed to do that?
343
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,783
[horn blares]
344
00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,529
[car door opens ]
345
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:53,988
It's O.J. Simpson!
346
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,244
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
347
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,335
Who's O.J.?
348
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,368
My name is Santa Simpson!
349
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:01,455
It's like big Black Dynamite
is looking down and
350
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:04,758
giving us a big, black
blessing from above.
351
00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:17,558
[ Static ]
352
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,889
Say, man, there goes an
abandoned Soviet space station.
353
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:20,984
[ laughs ]
354
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,776
If! Was you, I'd get
on the motherfucker.
355
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,398
[ laughs ]
356
00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:07,691
[ Screeches ]
357
00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:09,193
Look, monkey!
358
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:11,387
Black Dynamite ain't never
fucked up no space chimp at
359
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,573
zero G's before, but I'm
trying to be more likeable,
360
00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:15,074
so I'm offering a truce.
361
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:18,702
Now, are there a barrel of you
motherfuckers or are you the only one?
362
00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:23,378
[chattering ]
363
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:24,795
Just like I thought.
364
00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:27,027
You a monkey all alone up in
space with no monkey pussy
365
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,166
or nothing.
366
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,252
And now you done lost
your monkey mind, huh?
367
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:31,711
[ Chatters ]
368
00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:33,717
Somehow I feel like
I know the feeling,
369
00:15:33,808 --> 00:15:35,094
but I don't.
370
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,515
How'd you get up here, anyway?
371
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,185
[chattering ]
372
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:42,515
[ Russian anthem playing ]
373
00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:52,528
[alarm blaring ]
374
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,950
[chattering continues]
375
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,703
So your brother
monkey and your monkey
376
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,534
government abandoned you to die
377
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,040
and spend the holidays
all alone, too, huh?
378
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:06,166
[ Chatters ]
379
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:07,937
Well, I need to contact
those space honkeys
380
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,378
at M.A.S.A. so they can get your
381
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,801
monkey ass and my
man ass up out of here.
382
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:15,472
[ Static ]
383
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:22,638
O.J. Simpson, hero of
the doomed moon mission,
384
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:25,690
who somehow miraculously
survived the explosion,
385
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:28,564
visits the whorephanage
of deceased space martyr.
386
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,237
Black Dynamite to give
comfort to his friends,
387
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,906
orphans, and whores.
388
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,404
I just want these orphans
to have a real Christmas,
389
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,514
even if I have to step into
Black Dynamite's shoes and
390
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:39,495
do what he is tragically
unable to do now,
391
00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:42,199
nor at anytime in the future.
392
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:45,411
Is it any wonder why O.J.
Simpson is the most likeable
393
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,372
and therefore the most
respected black man in American
394
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:49,581
history now?
395
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,632
And I'm willing
to predict forever.
396
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:54,711
Walter Cronkite, mark my
words, there will come a day when.
397
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:57,046
America no longer
likes O.J. Simpson.
398
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,848
You can mark my words.
399
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:01,017
[ Chatters ]
400
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:01,934
What's that, boy?
401
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,040
You know how to get to the moon?
402
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:04,064
[ Chatters ]
403
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,730
And it has the
rocks I need on it?
404
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,085
Well, that's amazing, monkey,
'cause you didn't even know I
405
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,440
needed any rocks.
406
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,895
Well, where is this moon,
and show me where I can find it.
407
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:13,195
[ Chatters ]
408
00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:19,702
Come on, monkey!
409
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:22,451
It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas!
410
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,073
All I know,
monkey, is if they all
411
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:38,213
out of moon rocks,
I'm gonna be pissed.
412
00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:39,468
Can you dig it?
413
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:52,569
Amazon bitches on the moon.
414
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,486
Ain't that some shit.
415
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,780
Silence, black muscle man!
416
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,011
Look, I'm only hereto collect
moon rocks for Christmas,
417
00:17:58,035 --> 00:17:59,070
then I'll be on my way.
418
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:00,868
Likely story!
419
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,913
Just like a man to come to
the moon in order to infiltrate our
420
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,119
base, find our secret weapon
and interrupt my evil master plan
421
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:11,705
to destroy the Earth
at the last minute!
422
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,756
I would ask how you
amazon bitches got here,
423
00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,208
but I ain't got the time.
424
00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:17,614
I got to get back to Earth with
these moon rocks for Christmas
425
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:18,924
before there ain't no Christmas.
426
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:22,349
Oh, go ahead and go back
to Earth, Black Dynamite.
427
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:26,474
You'll get there just in
time to see it destroyed!
428
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:29,431
[laughs evilly]
429
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:31,641
Now, that's some
real bitch shit literally.
430
00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:34,524
Try and stop us, Black Dynamite.
431
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,026
Now, beating up on amazon
moon bitches ain't Black Dynamite's
432
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,074
style and would make me
very unlikeable as a character,
433
00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:43,279
but my Soviet monkey friend
here ain't as evolved as me.
434
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:45,283
[ Screeches ]
435
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,415
[ Screeches ]
436
00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:58,968
Oh, you done fucked with
the wrong bitch, monkey!
437
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,497
Now how am I supposed
to get back to Earth in time
438
00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:08,932
for Christmas?
439
00:19:09,023 --> 00:19:12,516
All these moon rocks and not a
goddamn orphan to give them to!
440
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,100
Monkey, I was wrong.
441
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:17,859
This ain't looking
nothing like Christmas.
442
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:21,361
Fuck you, O.J. Simpso-o-o-n!
443
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:32,211
[bells jingling]
444
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:34,458
Hos, hos, and more hos!
445
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,130
Merry Christmas, sucker!
446
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:37,298
Black Santa Claus?
447
00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:38,695
What the fuck are you
doing on the moon'?
448
00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,962
Amazon moon bitches got
children, too, Black Dynamite.
449
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,637
Shit.
450
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:49,219
Santa, you got room on
that sleigh for Black Dynamite,
451
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:50,803
a Soviet Russian monkey friend,
452
00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:53,265
and a flock of amazon
moon-bitch orphans?
453
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,441
I' Dynamite! Dynamite J”
454
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,029
a“ We'll be... I'
455
00:19:58,072 --> 00:19:59,233
[slurps]
456
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:00,717
We really do appreciate
all you've done for us,
457
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,511
O.J. Simpson, especially
in the light of our recent and
458
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:03,650
ongoing tragedy.
459
00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:04,575
You are one righteous dude.
460
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:05,823
[slurps]
461
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,641
That's what they say...
N0b0dy's more righteous
462
00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:08,826
than The Juice.
463
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:09,951
Good old O.J...
464
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,249
Orenthal motherfuckin' Simpson.
465
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:13,747
O.J., you all right?
466
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:16,751
You know, Black Dynamite
did always say that I would go to
467
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:19,424
the moon for the white
man, and he was right.
468
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,510
I would have.
469
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:21,884
But that was the old O.J.
470
00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:24,884
The new O.J. says fuck
the white man, the moon,
471
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:26,510
and his mama!
472
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,934
O.J., you better be
careful with that knife,
473
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:33,763
or one day you might write a
book about how you allegedly
474
00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:35,565
took some white bitch's life.
475
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,643
Shut the fuck up!
476
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,320
O.J., you scaring us.
477
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:41,758
Oh, what's wrong,
little orphan Arnold?
478
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:42,817
You not a white woman.
479
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:44,136
You ain't got nothing
to worry about.
480
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,160
[ laughs]
481
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:46,533
[bells jingling]
482
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:49,412
[rumbling 1 Whoo-hoo!
483
00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:50,579
Black Dynamite!
484
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,873
Man, please tell
me this ain't no jive!
485
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,827
Black Dynamite made it
back from the moon alive!
486
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,333
O.J.: Uh, merry
Christmas, Black Dynamite.
487
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,665
[ Groans ]
488
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:01,760
Huh?
489
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:05,966
[rumbling 1 Ohh!
490
00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:07,296
[ Groans ]
491
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:08,391
Ha ha!
492
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,092
I threw that rock
before I left the moon!
493
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:13,554
I' Dynamite! Dynamite J”.
494
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,558
You know, Black Dynamite,
while you were gone,
495
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,856
we had a lot of time
to think about things.
496
00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:20,776
We learned to just be happy
with who we are and what we got.
497
00:21:20,863 --> 00:21:22,103
Like you always told us...
498
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:24,155
A ho mama is
better than no mama.
499
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:26,699
And a less likeable Black
Dynamite is better than no.
500
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:29,244
Black Dynamite at all.
501
00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:31,241
Less likeable my ass!
502
00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:32,809
I just went to the
moon for y'all kids!
503
00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:33,994
The moon!
504
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:35,950
I'm flushing these moon
rocks down the toilet,
505
00:21:36,045 --> 00:21:37,877
you bunch of ungrateful,
non-appreciative,
506
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:40,921
no-good mother... I'
Dynamite! Dynamite J”
507
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:42,669
[toilet flushes]
508
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,799
Black Dynamite may not
be jolly like old Saint Nick,
509
00:21:46,889 --> 00:21:49,597
but he's the one you call
when you need s0meb0dy's
510
00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:51,549
ass kicked in the dick.
511
00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:53,976
Well, Santa helper hos,
let's get our asses in flight.
512
00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,269
[Whip cracks ]
513
00:21:55,356 --> 00:21:58,223
A merry Christmas to
all, and to all a Black...
514
00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:00,649
I' Dynamite! Dynamite J”.
515
00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:04,691
I' Dynamite! Dynamite J”
38134
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