Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome

Hal Sparks!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

HAL SPARKS: Hi. Yeah!

Hi!

That's what I'm talking about.

[INAUDIBLE]

It is, uh...

Hi.

It is amazing to be here.

You guys are beautiful. And, it's, uh...

It's great to be here in Santa Ana. Yeah

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

As a resident of Los Angeles,

I would like to thank you for the wind.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Um...

For those of you that aren't familiar, or you at home,

every year, once a year, everyone in Santa Ana apparently

exhales all at once...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...and the heat travels north

and sets Los Angeles on fire, so...

Thanks for adding fire to our weather reports.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

It's been a very exciting year.

I, uh... I... I cut my hair.

Uh, this was...

Yeah... I know, I know. I grew my hair out for a couple movies,

and then I cut it for Locks of Love, the cancer charity.

-[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -Thank you. That's very sweet.

Yeah, where were you fuckers

when I had it? You were so...

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]-I don't get it in this culture.

I don't understand it.

Everybody... You grow your hair out,

and the whole world becomes your fucking mom. I don't...

Everybody was, like, "Oh, why?

"Oh, why? Why would you do that?

"Why would you grow your hair out?

"You look so cute with your short hair.

"Why would you grow your hair out?

"You know what? I'm just worried that people

"will think you're a bad person.

-"That's why." -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah, sure. Like all those assholes in history with long hair.

-Like, uh, Jesus... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...and the apostles and God in every fucking picture I've ever seen.

You ever seen God with a flattop?

No, you have not.

Always long, flowing locks,

so fuck off!

And here...

-[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] -Here's the weird thing.

Got my long-haired peeps in the house.

I can see 'em.

And the weird thing is, you go...

You can shave your head bald, and it's no problem.

Like, there's some gleamers here tonight.

I can see. You're blinding me.

Absolutely.

And it looks totally stylish.

It is totally in.

You can grow the Van Dyke, you know?

The little prison pussy.

Mustache-beard combo.

And wear sunglasses, and it looks bad-ass and good on you.

But I would like to remind you...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

...that not that long ago,

if you were walking down the street, and you saw four bald guys,

and you were any other color than they were,

you'd walk in traffic to get away from those assholes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Fuck. When did they get a permit to march?

"Holy shit."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

When I was growing up, there were only two bald guys in the whole world.

Ming the Merciless and Lex Luthor. They were fuckin' assholes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Planet killers.

There's only one good guy.

One good guy, Mr. Clean.

Right. Mr. Clean.

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -But he was fucking your mom

while your dad was at work,

so he was an asshole, too. So, fuck Mr. Clean.

I mean, was there ever a man in those ads?

No. Just a lot of muscles and winking and...

What are they cleaning up after?

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -I'm just saying, the whole thing

is very suspect. I don't trust him.

So fuck Mr. Clean and bald.

If I want to grow my hair out again, I will, goddamn it.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know what it is?

Long hair in our culture is an auto-judgment thing.

People see you, and they assume

things about you immediately, because you have long hair.

It's like tattoos. Anybody have tattoos here?

-[AUDIENCE CHEERING] -Yeah.

Don't you get the same shit,

darlin', where people go

"Oh, aren't you worried?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Aren't you worried that when you get older,

"your skin's gonna look bad?"

I got news for you, folks.

All skin looks like shit when you're old.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's why we lose our eyesight.

It's nature's Photoshop.

It smoothes everything out.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Old people don't mind wrinkles.

They don't fuckin' see 'em anymore.

[OLD MAN VOICE] You look hot.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Nobody with 20/20 vision has ever gone,

"You're just as beautiful as the day I met you, darling."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Sixty-five wonderful years we've been together."

"I'm over here."

"You're just as beautiful as the day I met you, darlin'."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You mark my words.

Lasik is gonna fuck up more long-term relationships than anything.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Your grandparents have been together for 45 years,

and one trip to the mall for eye surgery...

"Jesus Christ, you've let yourself go!"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"You look like a catcher's mitt.

"This is fuckin' embarrassing."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I'm gonna go scare me upa piece of ass right now, buddy.

"I'll tell you that."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm assuming they don't use that phrase in Santa Ana.

I grew up in Kentucky, and when I turned 14,

my dad gave me a piece of advice.

He said "Fourteen, 'bout time

"you go out there and scare you up a piece of ass."

Um...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Let's break that down, shall we?

Um...

"Scare you up."

Like women are quail hiding in a bush,

waiting to be frightened into liking you. Boo!

[IMITATES FLAPPING WINGS AND GUNFIRE]

"They got away again."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And "a piece of ass"?

Really? Really, a piece of ass?

Piece of ass is a horrible thing to call a woman.

A piece of ass.

Piece of ass sounds like something an FBI agent finds in a field.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Um, Control, this is Agent Jenkins.

"I've found what appears to be a, um..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"That's a piece of ass.

"I'm gonna... Ew... Flag it and tag it and bag it."

Um...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah. Yeah.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, I deliver. I deliver.

As I said, I'm originally from Kentucky.

[IMITATES CRICKET CHIRPING]

Yeah, don't even fuckin' pretend.

-Um... -[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's fun being, you know, living in L.A., or even traveling the country,

you know, when people go, "Hey, where are you from originally?"

And I go, "Kentucky."

And they go, "Nuh-uh."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Why the fuck would I make that up?

Why would...

Who pretends to be from Kentucky?

I'm, like, "Why don't you believe I'm from Kentucky?"

And they're like, "'Cause you don't have a accent."

Well, I've lost my accent.

Actually, that's not true. That's not true.

I didn't... I didn't lose my accent.

I took it into an alley in Chicago, and I shot it in the fucking head.

I was, like... [IMITATES GUNSHOT]

"You're not gonna stop me from getting laid ever again,

"you stupid redneck accent."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Because a Southern accent on a dude is fucking horrible.

On a woman, it's nice.

Women can pull off a Southern accent.

Yeah, 'cause it's got that

Georgia peach lilt to it, you know?

That, "Oh, my God, how are y'all?"

[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH]

"This is so fun. Oh, my God.

"God bless you.

"God bless you.

"This is so great.

"Did you bake that casserole yourself?

"My goodness.

"Those are some awfully tight Wranglers you have on."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

"Would you like to come in and have some pie?"

-[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] -"Fuck, yeah, I want pie.

"That sounds awesome."

Sexy. Dude with a Southern accent,

probably the worst thing a woman can experience in a singles bar

in her whole fucking life.

Like, "Hey, baby, how you doing?

"I just hitchhiked down here from the Appalachian mountains

"to abduct some woman 'cause I'm so fucking inbred,

"my family tree looks like the Olympic rings.

"Get in the truck."

You know?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

You know the, uh...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

All true stories.

I, uh...

You don't want to...

It was horrible for me trying to pick up a girl.

I went, "Hey, ladies. How y'all doing?"

[IMITATES SPRAY HISSING AND BLOW LANDING]

[GRUNTS] Um...

Yeah. You know the real reason why I lost my accent, though?

You know? And why you're gonna have to lose one if you have one, too?

It's 'cause they've automated 411.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Yeah.

Yeah, you're talking to a robot.

You can't have an accent and get a fuckin' number anymore.

This is the future.

You can't be, like, "For what city and state?"

[WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT] "I want that Baker place

"down there in Skeeterville."

"For what city and state?"

"I want that Baker place down there in Skeeterville!"

"For what city and state?"

[SHOUTING] "I want that Baker place down there in sk...

"Oh, fuck it! I'm walking."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

"All I want's a muffin, but..."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I mean, honest to God, I'm...

You know, I'm not worried about 411.

I'm a grown man, partially educated.

I can operate a phone book, you know.

I got... I got an iPhone.

I'm cool, you know?

But, you know, if they did 411...

You know, technology, man.

If they did 411, you know,

eventually they're gonna do 911,

and you have to be articulate

in a high tension situation.

"Please state your emergency."

[SCREAMING]

"Please state your emergency."

"He's in the house!

"He's in the house!"

"Please state your emergency."

"I'm hiding in the closet!"

"Please state your emergency."

"He's stabbing me with a fork!"

"Please state your emergency."

"I love him!

"He's a good man!

"Don't take him from me and the kids.

"He just gets this way when he drinks!

"I love him so much!"

Just..."Hey, hey!

"Y'all kids get out of here.

"Mommy and Daddy are having a moment.

"Go eat your mac and cheese.

"I'm on the phone!"

So...

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[CHUCKLES]

It's a true story. True story.

I got kicked out of the South

for thinking too much.

And, um...

[LAUGHS]

...asking the questions

at all the wrong times, like, ever.

They're not fans of that.

But I, uh...

You know, the other reason I got kicked out of the South

is 'cause I don't drink sweet tea.

Yeah, oh, I know.

Yeah. There's a good reason why I don't drink sweet tea.

You know, it's 'cause I'm an adult

and I don't need brown Kool-Aid, that's why.

'Cause I'm a fucking grown-upand I can drink something bitter

once in a while without going,

"I need a Jolly Rancher to swizzle in it.

"It's too bitter."

And while I'm on the subject,

goddamn it. All right, God...

We have to straighten this shit out forever.

I only get one shot at this,

so we really need to focus.

All right, for the record,

Starbucks does not sell coffee.

Starbucks sells milkshakes.

That's not coffee they're selling!

Coffee is that shit your dad used to drink

by the fucking gallon so he could stay awake at work

and not fall into the machinery.

And he'd live long enough to putyou through school.

And he's hold it under your nosewhen you're nine.

You're like, "Fuck, Dad, you drink that?

"What is that shit?"

That's coffee.

Anything that is 80% ice cream,

has whip cream on top of it and caramel syrup,

and the top of the cup looks like a tit

is a fucking milkshake, you infant!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

They don't even hide it anymore.

"Moomy, moo-moo, moo, moo."

Grow up! Jesus!

"I had to skip lunch the other day, so I had a power bar."

You had a candy bar for lunch!

You had a candy bar for lunch.

You had a milkshake for breakfast.

You drink water out of a bottle

with a nipple on it, you fucking toddler!

Other than that, I have no opinion.

I...

[CHUCKLES] I, uh... Yeah.

But my thing is, I don't drink sweet tea.

But if you do it and you like it,

knock yourself out.

I'm one of those people who believes if you like something

and it doesn't affect me, you should be allowed to do it. Right?

You know, so if you drink sweet tea, knock...

But the problem is, so many people drink sweet tea in this culture,

you can't order plain ice tea anywhere in the country.

Try it. "Hey, can I get a plain ice tea?"

"You mean unsweetened?"

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No.

"I mean plain."

"No, you mean unsweetened."

"No, I mean plain."

"No, you mean unsweetened." "No, I mean plain,

"'cause there's no such fucking thing as unsweetened ice tea!"

What kind of an asshole sugars a beverage,

and then takes the sugar back out again?

How do you even do that?

Show me the machine that unsweetens the tea, ma'am.

How long's this going to take?

How you... How do you bitter it back up?

Do you use your personality?

And it's a polysyllabic word.

It has multiple syll...

Who comes up with a polysyllabic word to replace "plain"?

It makes... It goes against the laws of slang.

You're wasting my fuckin' time.

"Fine, sir.

"Fine, you can have plain ice tea, whatever.

"Fine."

"Can I get a plain ice tea?

[WHISPERING] "Unsweetened."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I don't know why."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I think he's crazy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I already pushed the button for the cops under the thing.

"Just make it.

"I'll keep him busy."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"What size do you want, sir?"

"I don't know. I'll have a small."

"We don't have small. We have medium and large."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"No, you don't."

"Yes, we do, sir. We have medium and large."

"No, you don't. You have small and large."

"No, we have medium and large."

"No, you have small and large, 'cause you can't have a medium

"unless you have a small and a fucking large to base it on,

"you inbred!"

That's what it means!

It's a median point between two extremes.

It can't exist without the other two.

It's fucking impossible.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

The only way that glass of ice tea is a medium is if it can talk to the dead.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So, don't make up words.

Irritates me.

There's another one that bothers me.

I don't smoke. I've never smoked anything in my life.

I don't smoke cigarettes.I don't smoke pipes, pot, crack,

horse, meth. I don't freebase.

I'm not going to smoke. I have no interest in smoking.

I'm never going to smoke. But, for the record, I am not a nonsmoker.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You know why I'm not a nonsmoker?

'Cause I don't believe in labeling myself based on shit other people do.

What the fuck is that?

You can't...

I'm... I breathe, you smoke.

End of fucking discussion.

There's no "non" here.

And if there is, breathing is a primary activity that we all

have to participate in, and smoking is a choice.

Therefore, when you're smoking, you're a non-breather, so fuck off.

And here's the thing.

Look.

I don't want to be mean to smokers your last ten years on Earth, but here's...

Sorry, that's how that shit works.

You quit it, or it quits you.

You know what I'm saying?

You know, I hope you live a long time, but here's the thing.

They passed a law against smoking in bars and restaurants

down here, haven't they?

Isn't it awesome?

Yeah.

Did everybody piss and moan for two weeks afterwards?

You know, "I'm being treated like a second-class citizen.

"I have rights, too.

"The Constitution says that I..."

[WHEEZING]

Well, they never get a law overturned, 'cause they refuse to picket.

"What do you mean I have to march?"

I...

Since they already passed the law,

do you mind if I tell the smokers the truth about the law?

'Cause they probably use, like they did in L.A.,

cancer and secondhand smoke as the reason for the law.

That's usually the legal reasoning behind it.

Yeah, and just for the record,

the law has nothing to do with cancer.

Okay, 'cause nobody gives a shitabout cancer in this society.

Not the way they should.

Nobody's thinking long-term.

I mean, have you been to a food court lately?

Have you seen the shit people are shoveling into their fucking faces?

Have you read the back of a bag of chips recently?

It should just say Cool Ranch Tumors on the back.

Nobody is thinking long-term about their health the way they should.

Not enough to pass a law.

Anyways, it's not secondhand smoke we care about.

It's secondhand stink.

You fuckers smell.

And somebody needs to tell you.

And the rest of us had to pass a law

'cause we were just sick and tired of coming home from a club

and having to bury our fucking clothes in a garbage bag

in the backyard filled with dryer sheets and Febreze and potpourri,

and cedar chips, so the smell wouldn't crawl up our nose

in the middle of the night and lay eggs in our brain.

You reek!

You stink!

And apparently, it's news to you,

'cause what's the first thing that goes on a smoker?

Their sense of smell.

Well, how fucking convenient for you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

I love when a smoker comes up to me.

"Hey, man, can you tell I just had a cigarette?"

"Can you tell I just shit in my pants?

"Yes! Yes, everybody knows.

"You stink, Pigpen."

So, I'm not a nonsmoker and I don't drink unsweetened ice tea.

I don't make up fuckin' words.

One that really bugs the shit out of me,

they just had a news report that the "date rape drug" is on the rise again.

The "date rape drug"? What a softened...

What, yay for date rape?

Who claps...

Nice job, Santa Ana.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

How did that happen?

Um...

I'm about to ruin your night.

The date rape drug is retarded.

There's no such thing as date rape.

It's the rape drug.

M'kay? She's unconscious.

Once the raping starts, date's over.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's like saying, "It was a party murder, man.

"Great party until the machetes came out.

"Then, hey, this party sucks."

"It's a tickle robbery. You were laughing."

Doesn't mean you get to keep my wallet, fuck-o.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

If I take this mic stand and I bash a woman over the head with it,

then I have sex with her unconscious body, is this the date rape mic stand?

No! It's a fucking club!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't make up words.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It's one in particular that bothers me.

I mean, you know, and I apologize

if this next oneis a bit coarse for some of you.

[CHUCKLES]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Someone who knows what "coarse" means, that's lovely.

The elderly are among us.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

By the way, if this next joke makes...

You know, there's an older person near you

and you're afraid to laugh at it because,

there's an old person with gray hair near you.

And you're like, "Oh, [MUMBLES] Grandma."

Just remember, they're out for the evening, so odds are,

they're late 60s at the absolute out.

Which means that they were in their 30s in the '70s.

And you know what happened then.

♪ Bow chick-a wow wow chick-a wow chick-a bow ♪

So don't let them fucking scare you into behaving.

Why do old people get a pass and people shit on babies?

This I don't understand.

This is off-track, but who gives a fuck?

I don't understand old people...

"I don't understand e-mail."You understood when typewriters,

if you typed too fast, the hammers all got stuck.

You figured that shit out.

You can figure out e-mail.

Don't give old people a pass.

They've seen everything. They have too much information.

But then people shit on babies.

"I was on a plane when this fucking crying baby,

"this baby was crying all the time."

Of course it was crying.

It can't talk yet.

Doesn't understand pressurization.

It doesn't understand that it's head isn't actually going to explode.

It doesn't know that it can hold its nose and blow and that feeling will go away.

So it tries to communicate its discomfort in the only way it knows how.

[WAILING]

And you'd do the same fucking thing.

Let's cut your tongue out, stick your head in a vice,

see what kind of fun noises you make.

[WAILING]

"I think he's hungry."

So I apologize if this next one is a bit coarse for some of you,

but I think it needs to be said.

I disagree vehemently with the use of the word "pussy," yeah,

to describe a weak person.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Because the vagina is the tougher of the two genitals.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

By a long shot.

It's not even close, folks.

Just think about that analogy for a second.

It can pass something 500 times its size through it

and retain its elasticity.

Yeah, try that with your dick sometime, guys.

Yeah, it'll look like a wind sock

and it will never go back

to its original shape ever.

[MIMICS WIND BLOWING]

"I had a baby last year."

[MIMICS WIND BLOWING]

If you had twins,

your dick would look like one of those things outside a car dealership.

Pussies are tough.

You can pound on one for hours.

Like, "More, what do you got? You got an hour? I got two.

"You got two hours, I got four. You got four hours, I got six.

"Bring it, big boy. What do you got?"

"I'm done. I'm done." "That's all you got?"

"I'm trying my best. I really am trying."

It bleeds every month and it won't die.

It's like the Predator or something.

[IMITATES SCHWARZENEGGER] "What the hell are you?"

"What the hell are you?"

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

"Get to the chopper!"

[IMITATES CHOPPER DEPARTING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Pussies are invincible.

I know, I've checked.

Meanwhile, what do we say

about a dude if we want to say that he's tough?

"Fuck, dude, that guy's got balls, bro.

"Dude, man, you want to be that tough, you better have some

"big, fucking cojones, buddy.

"You better have some giant huevos, you going to be that tough, man.

"That dude's so tough, he probably has to carry his balls around

"in a wheelbarrow, he's so tough."

Balls are the weakest part of me.

Nothing but nerve endings.

They have no natural defenses except to hide inside me

like the cowards that they are.

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERING]

[HIGH-PITCHED] "I'm scared.

"The pool is cold.

"The pool is freezing.

"Could I possibly get smaller?

"The pool is so cold."

You don't even have to have good aim to hit them.

My legs will guide you in like bumper pool.

It's the worst design flaw in nature.

A six-year-old with pointy shoes

can shut me off like a fuckin' light.

[SCREAMS]

You've been saying those phrases backwards.

Now stop it.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Now, when you watch the MMA,

just go, "Those guys are fuckingpussies, man."

Take a beating, bleed all over the place,

and ready for all comers.

You know what I'm saying? Those guys are tough.

Whereas if you were in a bar fight

who would you want to fight the most?

The guy with the giant distended testicles.

"Leave me alone."

-[WHIRRING] -[YELPS]

[CHUCKLES]

I've put a lot of thought into this.

You can't...

It's what I do for a living.

It's what I do for a pastime,

it's what I do for a hobby, it's what I do all the time.

I don't drink either.

Like I said, I don't smoke and I don't drink.

I've never had an alcoholic beverage in my life.

I've never drank...

And the audience goes silent.

You freaked out to that more than the date rape guy.

What the fuck?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I don't drink.

I have no interest in drinking, okay?

But I'm one of the good guys.

I have no judgment about it.

You know, if you want to...

I've driven a lot of people home safely.

I've held a lot of hair, you know, so...

-[CROWD CHEERING] -Great.

[CHUCKLES]

Which reminds me,

bald guys must really have to be able to hold their liquor

'cause there's nothing to grip. You're like, "Dude, fuck, your head's sweaty.

"I'm losing you. I got nothing to grip, man, I got nothing."

Bloop! "Oh, his head's in the bowl."

Oh.

"Fuck that, you get him out. He's your brother.

"Those are chili fries."

"That's..."

[CROWD GROANS] Yeah, oh.

You know, the shit you eat when you're drunk.

I've driven you there.

There's like a part of a drunk's brain that kicks in at some point,

where it just goes to lizard brain

and all you're thinking about is

"Bready, cheesy, bready, cheesy, greasy,

"bready, cheesy, cheesy bread.

"Bready, cheesy, fucking cheesy,

"bready, bready cheese."

[SLURRING] "I don't want to puke. I have nothing.

"I want puke and stuff with puke in it.

"Bready, cheesy, cheesy cheesy bread."

I don't drink, you know.

My friend Dan always bugs me about it

'cause, you know, somebody will offer me a beer or something,

and I'll go, "No, thanks, I don't drink,"

and he'll always lean in and go, "Never say never."

[LAUGHS]

"Never say never."

I go, "I'm never going to fuck your mom."

Shuts those assholes right up.

I probably would have drank, you know, like, in the Dark Ages,

you know, when drinking was like white man's peyote,

and the Scotch and the Irish used it as a rite of passage...

[IRISH ACCENT] "Tonight, son, under the harvest moon,

"you drink nine pints of ale, boy,

"and then you'll go out onto the moors and you'll smack a wolf,

"and that's how we know you're a man in the McHenry clan."

"But, Pop, I can't drink more than five."

"Get the other four down, son!

"You'll need your strength

"to smack the wolf under the harvest moon."

[NORMAL VOICE] Now, not so much.

Now drinking has basically

devolved into light beer and these big fruity, fucking girl drinks

that everybody's drinking.

Ladies are wandering around parties with tumblers of this shit

with the crazy straw coming out...

[FEMININE VOICE] "This is wonderful! [GIGGLES]

"It's delicious!

"Oh, it tastes like blueberries!

[GIGGLES]

"It's awesome! [SLURPS]

"I can't even taste the alcohol.

[GIGGLES]

"Where are my pants?

"Where are they?"

Mmm-mmm, I need to roofie myself,

thank you very much.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I don't drink. I've never done drugs, either,

'cause I'm fucking weird enough.

Um, yeah.

Um, yeah, I just have no interest or whatever.

I do think pot should be legal, though.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yeah, you know, I don't do it,

but I understand it should be legal, you know.

And the reason I want it to be legal is...

They're stoned already.

They're stoned. They're stoned right here.

Which is okay.

The reason I want it legal is 'cause I want hemp.

You know? I want hemp 'cause it's a great crop.

You can grow it anywhere, you can replace stuff with it.

You can make fuel and lip gloss.

You can make anything out of hemp, it's amazing.

But they won't let it get through because they're afraid

that, you know, it's such a close cousin to pot

the potheads will sneak their pot plants into the hemp fields

and grow them illicitly.

Like potheads need to wander around a fucking hemp field

trying to figure out which plants are theirs.

[MOUTHING]

"We're gonna be late for Burning Man!

"This is bullshit!"

But you know, arguably,

I mean, I do understandthat conservatives tend to think

that, you know, like, it does sound like a big pot fantasy.

Like a bunch of guys in a basement sitting around going...

[MIMICS BONG BUBBLING]

"Dude..."

"You know what I want?"

[BUBBLING]

"Pot shoes and a pot shirt!

"And I want pot lip gloss

"and a pot hat.

"I want a... Oh."

[BUBBLING]

"I want a pot car

"that runs on pot

"and has pot tires

"and pot seats,

"and I want to drive it to my big pot house."

They do have hemp building materials.

You can actually compress hemp fibers together strong enough

to replace two-by-fours.

You don't have to cut down trees,

it's a completely renewable thing,

and if they did manage to sneak some pot in,

it would really spice up those

post house fire interviews on the news

that we always have to watch, you know?

Instead of some guy going, "We lost our baby pictures,"

they'd be naked on the lawn going... [MOUTHING]

"Give me a hug, camera guy.

"Come here. Give a hug, camera guy.

"Come on, Action News, I love you guys.

"This is awesome.

"Oh... [MOUTHING]

"There's waffles.

"Who wants waffles?

"Let's go for waffles."

[LAUGHS]

Pot is a safer drug than alcohol.

I think that's clear,

you know what I mean?

Not a violent drug.

You know, you get hit by a drunk driver, you're fucking dead.

You get hit by a guy who's high on pot,

he's only going five miles an hour.

Like... [MAKES BUMPING SOUNDS]

"Dude, put your foot on the fucking brake, Dave. God!

"It's the long one on the right, asshole."

[LAUGHS] "I'm sorry.

"I was, like...

"I was changing playlists.

"I wasn't even paying attention.

"Phish."

Um...

I am, uh... Yeah.

I love technology, though.

I'm kind of a modern...

Like, to me, all that behavior seems like past behavior,

and, like, the future is now.

Like, I can't tell you

how much I love technology.

'Cause does anyone remember

how to have a relationship without texting? Anybody?

What the fuck did we do, smoke signals?

How the fuck...

I have no idea how to maintain

a relationship without texting, you know?

Especially sexting, which,

yeah...

It's officially the best.

Yeah, for the elderly people.

It's where you get to,

you know, send your significant other a little sexy message

while they're at work, you know?

A little, "When you get home, you're gonna get a little

"googly-googly-goo, you know?"

And then they're at work...

[MIMICS TEXT ALERT]

"Hold on a second. I got a text message. One second."

[GASPS AND LAUGHS]

"Excuse me one second."

Gotta love it.

I think it's so great.

'Cause it's, you know, it's really the modern erotica.

You know, we used to read erotic novels and stuff

to excite ourselves, and now we can actually cowrite erotica,

with our partner, live. I mean, that's a special thing,

you know?

And it's great, you know?

It's got pacing to it, you have to keep up the pace.

You have to be creative. You can't use the same words over and over again.

You know, you can't stop in the middle, ladies.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Don't stop in the middle.I don't need that kind of worry.

"When you get home, you're gonna get it so hard."

And then nothing for ten minutes.

You're like, "Fuck, what'd I say, what'd I say?

"I didn't mean bad hard.

"I mean, I meant nice hard. Like la-la hard.

"Like, remember the other night

"you were, like, 'Harder,'and I was, like, 'Yeah, harder.'

"And then we talked in the kitchen afterwards,

"and you were, like, 'I liked it when you went harder,'

"and you were, like, 'Good, I'll do that more often.'

"Remember? That hard. Kind of I-love-you hard.

"I mean, it's good hard."

[SOBBING] "Where have you gone?

"Where is our relationship?

"Who are you? Who am I?"

[MIMICS TEXT ALERT]

"'I was in the bathroom.'

"Fuck you, you were in the bathroom.

"Tell me next time.

"Give me a BRB, at least, you know?"

We got some master texters

right up here in front.

That means "Be right back."

Yeah... I will admit that, sometimes,

because I know I have to keep the pace going,

I will sometimes sext while I'm driving.

Yes, which is illegal in this state

and also very dangerous.

Not just physically,

but also to the relationship.

Because autofill...

Autofill is not your friend

when you're using dirty words.

And you have to be very careful

to check what you're about to say before you hit send.

You can't just go, "I can't wait

"to sticky move love missile in your puppy." Send.

Oh, no! Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, no...

Mmm-mmm.

Puppy?

Where the fuck did it get "puppy" from that?

Why does that key have four letters and all the others have three?

You're just worried she'll send back,

"Mmm. Dot-dot-dot."

Oh, no! She likes it. Ew.

I'm always afraid I'm gonna die in a car accident

while I'm sexting.

Yeah... No, bad.

And then the cop's gonna pull the phone

out of my dead fucking hand and go,

"See what this asshole was doing right before he died.

"Ah! Puppy-fucker!

"Dead puppy-fucker.

"Bury him where he lays.

"He's a sick, disgusting puppy-fucker.

"That is disgusting.

"And get his girlfriend, too.

"Look, she's into it. Look at that.

"Four M's and three dots.

"That means she likes it."

That is the proper response to a sext, is it not?

Four M's and three dots?

"Mmmm," with a little "Mmmm, later," you know?

Personally, I prefer three N's two F's and three dots.

Nnnff...

You know what I mean?

"Nnnff..."

It puts a little meat on the bone, you know what I mean?

Like, 'cause "Mmmm..." can be anything.

"Mmmm, that's a lovely blouse."

"Mmmm, that casserole was delicious."

But, "nnnff." You know where the fuck that comes from, you know?

That's the noise you made the day after fucking all night

where you're like "Nnnff, oh."

"What is it?" "I'm fine. I'm fine, just leave me alone for a second.

"I need to go into the break room alone."

We have it easy in this culture.

You know, some people bitch about their technology,

but we have it fuckin' easy, man.

A couple hundred years ago,

if you wanted to have a sexy conversation with somebody,

if they lived 60 miles away,

that was a two-day trip through some fucked-up woods on horseback.

If you wanted to send them a sexy message,

you had to make your own fucking paper.

Out of pulp or some shit

and then you'd have to make your ink

out of boysenberries, and pig fat,

and water and mix it yourself.

Then you'd have to kill a bird

with your bare hands, pluck a feather off,

cut it and make a quill just so you could write,

"Milady, I doth want to bang thee like a kettledrum."

And then you'd roll it up, stick it in a tube,

give it to some asshole on horseback.

And he'd have to ride for two days,

dodging arrows, eating weebles and just...

Get to the other castle.

[KNOCKING] "A message for the queen."

And then, he'd run up 19 flights of fucking stairs,

and give her the scroll and she'd unroll it.

Then she'd have to make her own fucking paper and add some raspberries

and pig fat and water.

And kill a bird and cut a quill just to write, "Mmmm..."

And then roll it up, stick it in...

Get a room.

Count your blessings.

All I'm saying is the Amish are assholes,

so enjoy your phone.

[CHUCKLES]

It should be abundantly clear, at this point, by the way,

that I am not one of these people

who will tell you that men and women are different.

Yeah, you know, "Okay, guys,

"we like tools and tractors, am I right?

"And women like shoes

"and shopping and we're just different."

Fuck off.

Yeah, everybody in here, male, female

or any combination of the two...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

WOMAN: Whoo!

They're here among us and they deserve our love.

Uh...

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Everybody in here is capable of the entire spectrum

of human emotion and capability, everybody.

Because right now, there is a woman in Rwanda

with a machine gun in one hand and a baby in the other,

mowing motherfuckers down with a steely mama bear gaze in her eye.

And there's a guy in an apartment

in upstate New York trying to kill a spider in a bathroom

with a rolled-up newspaper, without shitting his pants.

[WAILING]

"Dana, call the cops.

"Jesus!"

You don't get any points for being male or female in my book.

Everything is merit-based.

Yeah.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

I'm not married.

[MIMICS CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Yeah.

And I don't think I shall be.I'm not really interested in it.

I like the idea of pair-bonding,

but I don't necessarily think I'll get married at any point.

You know? And I think everybody should have the right to get married.

I do believe that's true, yeah.

You know, I think gay people

should have the right to get married.

I mean, 'cause mainly, yeah, because the argument against it

is probably the dumbest argument

I've ever heard against anything in my life,

which is basically...

Yeah.

"Well, you can't have gay marriage.

"That will ruin heterosexual marriage."

What?

Look, uh, the only way that gay marriage could ruin

your heterosexual marriage is if you're gay.

That's the only way it could break you up.

If it was a new optionyou'd like to take advantage of.

Were you really standing there on your wedding day going,

"John, do you take Maryto be your lawfully wedded wife,

"to have and to hold..."

"Hold on a second, Reverend, one second.

"Um, is Craig available or, um..."

"No, that's illegal."

"Oh, okay, well, then let's get on with this.

"I'm trying to run for office."

So, um...

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Everybody should have the right to do it.

You know, personally for me, I believe in long-term

pair-bonding and all that stuff, but I don't think...

I think marriage has outlived its usefulness, actually.

I, I... Yeah. Right.

Form a double lineafter the show right over there.

All right, um...

No, I, I really do.

You know, 'cause marriage actually did have a point at one...

You know, it was actually designed for a very specific purpose.

It was inbreeding insurance.

That's what it was for, you know?

I'm from Kentucky, remember.

This is something I know a lot about.

But, you know, we used to... There was a time,

you know, when we lived in little tribes about this size,

gathered around one cave.

And we knew nothing about inbreeding and genetics

and any of that stuff.

And all we did all the time was hunt, gather, run from monsters

and fuck. That's all we did.

That was our whole weekend.

That was our whole week.

That was your job. That was your life.

Just, "Monster!"

[SCREAMING]

Berries, don't eat those berries again, and fucking.

And that's all we did.

That was it. That was everything.

But now, you know...

Eventually, what happened was,

three of the smartest guys in town got together

and were standing there watching everything and going...

By the way, those three guys

later became the church and thenthe government, because that's how authority grows.

They were all standing around going,

"We got a lot of weird-looking fuckin' kids

"running around here."

"I mean, that one can swim like a motherfucker,

"but I don't think..."

"I don't think that's a good idea.

"Hey, everybody, can you do me a favor?

"Can everybody stop fucking for one second?

"We want to have a meeting.

"Just for one second. Give us a break.

"Um, okay, can you do me a favor?

"Uh, before you guys fuck anybody, can you come see us?

"Just check in with us.

"'Cause we're going to keep a list of who's fucking who,

"and we'll call it 'The Begats,'

"and..."

You know, "And Ezekiel begat Bethany, and Bethany begat Nebuchadnezzar and..."

That's what The Begats were. They were big lists of who was fucking who.

And that way if you want to fucksomebody, you just come see us and go, "Can I fuck her?"

"No, she's your sister.

"You can fuck anybody in column B or column C."

And arranged marriages were just for people who were too stupid

to fucking figure it out.

Like, "I don't know who to fuck."

"Come here, we'll show you. Come on over here."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You guys are fun.

This is totally off topic, but, uh...

Am I the only person here who, when they're driving, is afraid of a plastic bag?

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

I know it's stupid, I know.

I'm in 6,000 pounds of steel and glass and plastic and gasoline,

and a fucking grocery bag is scaring the shit out of me.

Just... [MIMICS BAG BLOWING]

Get the fuck away from me. What is wrong?

[MIMICS BAG BLOWING]

It's like the jellyfish of death or something.

You ever have one catch up to you?

[MIMICS BAG BLOWING] Jesus Christ!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What kind of propulsion is this thing using?

And it goes under somebody else's car.

It goes... [MIMICS BAG BLOWING]

Goes under your car. [MIMICS SUCTION]

Do you smell plastic burning?

I smell plastic burning.

All right.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[CHUCKLES]

After the marriage stuff, I had to get you guys back on my side.

It's a tough conversation to have, you know?

Especially in this culture, because women have been

bullshitted in this culture into thinking that, you know,

they only have one day out of their life that they matter, you know?

The wedding day.

That fucking Bridezillabullshit, have you seen that stuff?

"This is my day!"

[BLUBBERING]

Can't mess with it.

And the weird thing is, that day, as we celebrate it in the West anyways,

is all based on when dudes used to sell their daughters to other dudes.

Like all the traditional stuff you really want on your wedding day...

The ring is actually representative of the dowry.

It's like a price tag.

Do you know why, ladies, do you know why you're not supposed to see the groom

on the wedding day?

You know where that comes from?

It's 'cause back then, you never had.

You'd never seen this fucker in your life.

And if you saw him before the deal was sealed, you'd go,

"Fuck, that guy? No way."

And you'd run away, you know?

And that's why we have a train on your dress, so we can step

on the fucking thing and...

"Come back here. I need that land."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

And it wasn't any better for the dudes, either.

You know why it's traditional to wear a veil?

You know where that comes from?

It's 'cause back then, you didn't even know which daughter

you were getting until you said, "I do."

It was the biggest gamble of your fucking life.

It's like, "Hey, on, coming on, daughter number three.

"Give me daughter number three.

"Come on, daughter number three.Give me daughter number three.

"Daughter number three, hey-oh.

"Daughter number three, come on, daughter number three.

"And poof, daughter number five.Fuck, man!"

Daughter number five?

What the fuck?

She goes to market all the time!

No.

Some of you go to market all the time, that's good.

It's not an easy place to preserve your virginity.

Virginity was... You know, the white wedding dress and virginity,

that was just...

That just said you were fresh off the factory floor.

That just meant you were new. You know what I mean?

You know, you were more expensive, basically.

Like, "This one's fresh off the factory floor, so I can...

"It's going to be a little extra.

"This one, I can cut you a deal."

"Kind of a, you know, zero financing, certified pre-owned situation.

"This one's top dollar."

And virginity is kind of an obnoxious concept to begin with.

Because, as a species, we don't survive if we stick to that.

You know what I mean? It doesn't work and keep us alive.

It doesn't make sense.

And, first of all, guys, can we settle this once and for all?

You don't save yourself for the one.

You practice for the one.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Work on it! Get it right. Get some skill!

There are 6.5 billion people on the earth and you manage to find the one,

you better have some fucking skill to keep them around.

You know what I mean?

You can let them get bored. They're the one!

If they get away, you're fucked.

I'm just saying that, you know, virginity's gone in a second,

but fellatio lasts a lifetime. You know?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MAN WHOOPS]

[CHUCKLES]

Now you see why I'm not married?

All right.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But, you know, I don't think the sexes are that different.

I think the difference between the sexes largely boils down to

a very simple plumbing issue.

Very minor plumbing issue.

In that, in the reproductive act, women receive someone into their body.

And to do that, which is a touchy thing, they just need a little time.

They need a little time to think it over, make sure it's cool,

make sure you're the right one for the kind of activity.

They just need to think it over.

They need, apparently, somewhere between seven hours and three weeks...

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

That's not my record, by the way.

That is the statistical average on how long it takes a woman

to decide it's okay for you to fuck her.

Seven hours to three weeks.

Yeah.

It's basically like two and a half dates or three weeks of Twitter.

And my point is, ladies, take all the time you want,

is what I'm saying.

Honest to God. Take all the time you want. I get it.

Because, guys, if it was reversed, and we were the ones

who got pregnant because women had a giant tentacle

that came out of the top of their head, that had a pulsating egg sack

on the end of it, and we got pregnant 'cause they shoved it in a hole in the back

of our neck and it hurt at first, but it felt good later,

and sometimes it was too big, and sometimes it was too small,

and some knew how to use it and some didn't,

and you could get sick or knocked up,

Every fucking guy in here would be dancing at a club

with his back to a circle of other dudes.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Protecting his neck at all costs, and every woman would be

banging her fucking egg sack up against his trying to get us

to go out to the parking lot and rub on it.

[MIMICKING POUNDING]

"What's you fucking problem? Just touch it, you prude."

Women have every bit the sex drive as men.

They just need that waiting period to make sure it's all right.

Because also, in this culture, they've also been, you know...

Women often are concerned that if they sex with a guy too quickly

he won't respect them.

There's a logic problem in that.

Because that's based on the self-esteem of the dude involved.

It goes like this.

If I think I'm a piece of shit, and you fuck me right away,

then I think you'll fuck any piece of shit who comes along.

So you must be a ho.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Right?

But if I think I'm awesome, which of course I am, and you fuck me right away,

I think that shows taste and breeding on your part.

That's a woman who knows how to pick 'em.

I respect that.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Not all black-and-white, kids.

You can play in the gray areas a little bit.

That's where the fun begins.

And, you know, I can prove to you that women have every bit

the sex drive that men do.

I mean, look at the bachelor versus bachelorette party, once all bets are off.

Women are in it to win it.

'Cause everybody thinks the bachelor party is the crazy one.

They think it's, you know, guys going...

"We have fire trucks and guns and hookers and blow.

"I woke up in Tijuana.

"I don't remember shit. I think we sold Dave.

"I don't even remember." You know?

"Whoo!"

It's not. That's bullshit.

It's seven guys at a strip club acting like they're at church.

"Here, this is for you.

[GIGGLES]

"This is for you, pretty lady. I'm a-scared.

"I don't want to dance. My friend wants to dance.

"It's his party. I don't want to dance.

"I'll get in trouble. You can have that.

"I'm scared."

Women at a strip club are like "This place is great.

"I love this place. This is awesome.

"Oh, my God! This is so fun.

"Dana, Dana.

"Dana. Dana.

"Dana.

"I love you, girl.

"I love you.

"I'm sorry, sir. Excuse me, one second.

"I have to talk to my friend. It's so..."

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[CHUCKLES]

Women are fearless in those situations.

Sex shops are built for women.

Women go to sex shops in groups of 12.

Talk about hunting and gathering.

They pull out a fucking cartand walk down the aisle. Just...

[MAKES CLATTERING NOISES]

"This one matches my comforter."

Just buy everything in the store fearlessly.

Because they have more room to move socially.

Because the assumption that they're undersexed, so they've got more...

Women's sexuality, it's kind of like holding a beach ball underwater.

You know, if you take your hand off, it doesn't float calmly to the surface.

It explodes out of the water and everyone gets wet.

So...

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[CHUCKLES]

I was captain of the analogy team in high school, so, um...

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, women can act out in those places.

Guys, because it's assumed that we are oversexed, which is not necessarily true,

but it's assumed that way, all we're allowed to do in a sex shop

is walk around, point at shit and pretend not to be interested and laugh.

[LAUGHS]

"Look at this fucking thing."

[LAUGHS]

"Wo would buy one of them?"

[HUMMING]

"No, I wouldn't get one.

"I'm just saying, this is fucking..."

[HUMMING]

'Cause all we're thinking is, "Where the fuck would I hide that?"

No one can ever find that in my home, ever.

Ever.

Because of that double standard, you know?

Because if a guy found a woman's stash of said items in the shoebox under the bed

or the hatbox up in the closet,

little duck next to the tub with the button on it...

I know where they are by the looks on your faces.

[CHUCKLES]

A dude would be excited. He'd be like, "Fuck, Dana is down.

"This is awesome.

"I love Dana.

[CRYING] "I think she's beautiful.

"I think she's the one."

You know?

But if a woman found the male equivalent of said itemin her boyfriend's nightstand...

[GASPS] "Oh" is right.

She'd be on the phone to her fucking mom in a heartbeat.

"Oh, my God, Mom, you would not believe what he has.

"It's disgusting. It's sick.

"It's just a piece of a woman, that's all it is.

"It's just a piece of a woman. It's hideous.

"I'm pretty sure he's a serial killer.

"I'm fairly certain he's a serial killer.

"Yeah. No, I already called the FBI.

"Yeah. I'm in a woman's shelter right now."

"I...

"Yeah, just bring me a wig and some sunglasses.

[CRYING] "I'm getting out of here 'cause I don't know him anymore!

"He's not the man I love!

"And he's just objectifying a woman with that thing.

"That's what he's doing.He's just objectifying a woman."

Yeah, meanwhile, this is not objectification?

[MAKES VIBRATING NOISES]

Shame on you. No.

No, no, no, no.

[MAKES VIBRATING NOISES]

'Cause those things aren't fair!

There's no way I can compete with that.

[MAKES VIBRATING NOISES]

Look, I... Look, ladies, I get the e-mails.

I know there are ways to make itlonger and wider.

I get that, I hear you.

But nothing, nothing will ever give me Medusa-like control over

the head of my penis, like I'm a snake charmer from India.

[MAKES VIBRATING NOISES TO EXOTIC MUSIC]

You're setting the bar too high.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

If you're disappointed, it's your own goddamn fault.

Those things are ridiculous.

If you ever saw a guy and his junk actually looked like

one of those things, the yellow and orange camouflage

and the Tic Tacs in the middle and the weird control surface,

and alien antenna and the Hello Kitty sticker on the side,

you'd call the cops and have him quarantined.

I'm not putting Tic Tacs on my dick for anybody.

No one needs fresh breath that bad.

All right, um...

[MUMBLES]

[LAUGHS]

[MAKES VIBRATING NOISES]

They should make those things go...

[MAKES QUIET VIBRATING NOISES]

[LAUGHS]

Yeah.

Sick of being objectified.

That's what I wanted to say. I'm just sick of being objectified.

There, I said it.

Disgusted.

All joking aside, I will say that I do believe that, uh,

women get objectified in our culture.

I do believe that is true.

But I also think that, ladies,

you participate 50% in your objectification.

You are equal partners in it, you know?

Technically speaking, I'm not making a judgment call, by the way, this is empirically.

Anytime you take your sexuality, or, very specifically, your punani,

and you put it up on a shelf and say

"You can't get that until you do certain things,"

technically speaking, that's objectification.

You know what I mean? It's just... I'm not saying it's wrong,

I'm just saying you basically created a big game of "Vagina Says," so, you know...

"Vagina says take me out to dinner."

"Okay, I'll take you out to dinner."

"Vagina says take me to the movies."

"Okay, I'll take you to the movies."

"Touch my boobs." "All right."

"You're out." "What?"

"Vagina didn't say." "Fuck, man!"

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Start all the way over here again.

Hate that game.

[CHUCKLES]

Although I am pretty good at it.

[AUDIENCE WHOOPING]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You ever been having sex and you're like, "I'm amazing."

No? Just me?

Sad for you. I, uh...

I mean, we all have our on days and our off days.

But, you know, those times when you're like, "Fuck, I'm really good at this.

"I could go pro or something.

"This is impressive.

"Just wish there was someone else here to see it."

Joke. Relax.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I am looking forward to my sexual peak though, which is coming.

No pun intended.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, and don't get nervous, front row.

That's not how the show ends.

That would be... That would be really wrong of me.

"What kind of Gallagher bullshit is this?

"Why didn't I see 'bring a tarp'on the ticket?"

[GRUNTS]

And I know some of you are like,"Wait a second.

"Sexual peak?

"Hang on, what?

"How old does this asshole think he is?"

That's because you as a culture have also been bullshitted

into thinking that a man's sexual peak happens

between the ages of 18 and 22, which is bullshit.

'Cause that's just based on volume and repetition.

Which is a low standard of quality, ladies.

Just 'cause something is cheap and frequent and easy to get

doesn't mean it has any quality to it, you know?

Just ask anybody who shops at Costco or Walmart, you know.

Like, when you get, you know, older, you get some skill.

When you're 18 to 22, it's like you have a brand-new Uzi

and you have no idea how to use it. You just...

[IMITATES AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE]

"Sorry!"

[GUNFIRE NOISES CONTINUE]

"I can't find the safety!"

[GUNFIRE NOISES CONTINUE]

"Mom, get out of here!"

[GUNFIRE NOISES CONTINUE]

[CHUCKLES]

If you hit the target in those circumstances, you get no points.

'Cause it was an accident and you can't repeat it.

And that's not skill. Now I'm like this.

[WHOOSHES AND CLICKS]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MAKES CLINKING NOISE]

[CLICKING]

[MAKES CLANGING NOISE]

[MAKES CLANGING NOISE]

[MAKES CONTROLLED WHOOSHING NOISES]

Hold.

Hold.

[MAKES SILENCED GUNSHOT NOISE]

You're welcome.

Thank you guys so much.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow. You guys are great.

Thank you so much.

[MOUTHING]

♪ And you can't hear it

♪ If it isn't on my station

♪ The doctor's afraid

♪ That you'll no longer be

♪ His patient, patient...