Original subtitles

I love you.

I love you too.

You still haven't told her about Jan?

I saw her boyfriend's mother being compromised.

My marital status is still ambiguous.

The only way to do it is just to press

on without Marcus' permission.

Yeah, you could drug him and then have

sex with when he's passed out.

How am I supposed to get him up?

I'm sorry?

He seems to be resisting.

If you think I'm giving up the only chance

I'll ever have of getting some, you're

out of your fucking mind.

I wouldn't be going through all of this

if I wasn't desperate.

[THEME MUSIC - R CRUMB & HIS CHEAP SUIT SERENADERS,

"MY GIRL'S PUSSY"]

[THEME SONG] There's one pet I like to pet,

and every evening we get set.

I stroke it every chance I get.

It's my girl's pussy.

Often it goes out at night, returns at break of dawn.

No matter what the weather's like it's always nice and warm.

I bring tidbits that it loves, we spoon like two turtle doves.

I take care to remove my gloves when stroking my girl's pussy.

ROO: This is Swami Singhali.

He drinks a mug of his own urine each morning first thing,

and claims he can imbue good health through copulation.

EJ: I love that word. Imbue.

Copulation.

Well, that and slinky.

ROO: This is Dr. Bliss.

I don't-- don't know if that's her real name.

EJ: You think?

ROO: I don't think she's a medical school one.

I think she's a PhD one.

Anyway, she is a sexual surrogate.

I see.

You go and see her instead of a doctor,

that's the surrogacy bit.

When am I meant to understand what you're on about?

You're not getting the gist?

You figured out how to use the PowerPoint software?

- Yes. - Without a grownup.

Don't obsess about my PowerPoint skills.

What?

It's either that or engage in your weird game

of Porno Guess Who. - It's not Porno Guess Who.

Well, can we play Porno Guess Who?

No.

I've taken a leaf out of your book.

I've been doing some research.

These people are all options.

EJ: Options for what?

Healing options.

Healing options that are not Marcus.

Yes.

He's dead to me.

- Great. - Yep.

I mean, how long can I keep pushing things.

I've tried to molest him, tried to steal his sperm.

I'm not proud of that. I get the message.

It's over.

EJ: You're breaking up with Marcus?

It's not like we were going out.

No. This is great.

This is good.

This is about time.

Yeah.

We'll just think of it as a process.

No more Marcus.

None.

My life will be happier, healthier.

Probably have shinier hair.

So just get my back.

I've always got your back.

I know.

ZACH: What do you mean cancel?

Just do it.

The 3:00?

The 4:00 and the 4:30.

Go on, cancel them all. - Why?

I'm sick.

You?

- Yes. - What's wrong?

Is it a cold?

I heard there's a nasty flu going around.

It's a bronchial thing apparently.

I don't know.

I haven't had a cold since 2004.

That's weird, isn't it?

Maybe, maybe, I've been Jesus all along.

I just haven't known it.

Am I? Aren't I?

Was I?

Too many questions.

So many questions.

Who cares if you're Jesus?

I do.

EJ will dump me otherwise.

Some women have high standards.

What's the most awesome thing that you've

ever done to impress a woman?

Cured her blindness.

See, that's what I'm talking about.

They're not content with a dink and a lemington these days,

are they?

They want miracles.

You paint beautifully.

So the New medication's working then?

It's helping with the stomach pain.

Good. Great.

Dr. Hugo said there might be some digestive side effects.

Oh.

Well, I know a great naturopath who could--

Thanks, but no thanks.

At least hear me out.

Your track record with healers doesn't exactly

fill me with confidence.

I'll leave it to the experts.

That's not very fair.

Yeah, [inaudible] was taking me to that Marcus guy

so he could have sex with me.

He might have saved you.

Why are you sticking up for him?

I'm not.

Have you seen him again?

No.

Not professionally. - What?

Socially?

No.

Roo?

I just ran into him a couple of times,

but I want nothing to do with him.

From now on, we are over.

We?

Not there was ever a we with him.

Because you and me,we're we, aren't we?

- Promise me something? - Anything.

You'll never see him again.

Done.

And never lie to me again.

[knocking]

See, this is why I don't open doors.

- Is Roo home? - Oh my god.

What is this?

Come dine with me?

Shouldn't you be off somewhere screwing someone's mom?

I need to see--

Listen, I'll save you the embarrassment

of making a pitch.

Roo doesn't want to see you ever again.

And I wish I'd never seen you.

You could have warned me, you know.

You let me-- you let me watch that.

You knew what it was going to be like.

It was like-- it was like a naked ferret, you know,

trapped in a pipe.

I shouldn't have seen it.

We've moved on, OK?

No more semen stealing, no more contact.

Just stay out of our lives, and we'll stay out of yours.

- Are you finished? - Yeah.

Good.

Because I--

EJ: There you are. - I had a missed call from you.

Is everything OK?

Everything's great.

What are you doing?

I've got a surprise for you.

Is it a pony?

Oddly, no.

We're going on a couples retreat.

Hooray.

Sorry?

Don't ya-- shouldn't we be a couple to go on a--

Why do you have to say things like that?

You know, I just want to love you.

And you push me away.

It's the Center for Sexual Healing.

I saw an ad down at the Coop.

They don't have a website, but I'm sure they

know what they're doing.

And I figured if there's anyone who

requires some healing in the sex area, it's old Rootie.

Hooray.

You said you wanted to explore other options.

Yes, yes, I did.

So great.

Who knows, you know, you might come back

with a totally cured sex area.

Thank you.

Will to live, bit of a smile, healthy boyfriend.

Excellent outcomes. Good.

Yes. Yes.

Great, because I've already packed the car.

Just hop in.

I'm just going to go and get the Travel Scrabble,

and then we'll head off.

Why can't I come?

It's a couples retreat, Zach, I don't think

they're open to three ways.

One, a sexual healing center sounds like a lot of fun,

and I do really well in group participation exercises.

Like remember that time--

Yes, I remember when you were pulled from cows by candlelight

and you sang the "little Drummer Boy"--

With Kamal.

Yeah, and two, technically aren't

we supposed to be a couple.

This isn't about us, is it?

This is about Roo.

It's always about Roo these days.

What about Zach and EJ?

What about our little unit?

What about our little unit, Zach?

When was the last time we even felt like one?

You've been off playing Jesus while I've been

trying to get on with things.

I'm not playing.

My gifts are for you.

Zach, there are no gifts.

You were brain dead for two minutes,

and frankly, the side effects are

starting to become an issue.

I beg your pardon?

You actually woke me up the other night

to tell me that it was amazing that numbers can be words too.

Tell me that's not unbelievable.

You haven't said a thing about the wedding

since you choked on that stupid fish.

This whole thing's a farce.

I'm sick of it.

I can't-- I don't have room for--

the weddings off.

We're off. Have a nice life.

And take the terrarium this time.

What wedding?

We are open-minded, non-judgemental,

and we promote wellness of the heart,

the mind, and the sex organs.

I think we'll put you in the west wing.

Now, if you'll follow us through the sexual healing epicenter.

Which one's Jack and which one's Hillary?

Maybe it's short for something?

This is the chamber where we do most of our healing.

If you'll just look past the box vault.

Sorry, can I just ask why do you

have parallel bars and medicine balls

in a sexual healing workshop?

We did have a balance beam, but the termites mated in it.

It's all about balance.

Gets you thinking, doesn't it?

Yep.

Gets you thinking.

Balance.

It's official.

I'm a single man again.

Does this mean the wedding's off?

What wedding?

Why does everyone keep going on about a wedding?

It's probably for the best.

We were moving in directions.

She's obsessed with Roo, and I thought

she'd be a little bit more impressed with me being

the second coming of Christ.

It's probably a good thing we're on a break.

Should we go somewhere?

What do you mean?

You know, like a little outing.

It might be good for you to get out in the air.

Hospitals are so depressing.

Yeah.

I don't know if I should.

Yeah, you should.

Look at you.

You look fine.

You look good actually.

CHARLIE: Yeah, but--

Yeah, consider it a mental health day.

I'll grab some pillows and an EpiPen,

and put them in a bum bag.

[knocking]

What we really want to do is invite

people into the honesty pit.

It's a place to explain who you are,

and why you've come to us.

There's no judgment.

No right or wrong.

For instance, I like rope.

So, who wants to start?

Hi, I'm Ben, and I can't orgasm unless,

uh, squeezing a lettuce.

I cry when I masturbate.

Long held habit.

In my family, we call it cranking.

It's just below the testicles, a spot.

My wife gets really upset, and, uh, everything just softens.

Hi.

I'm Roo McVie.

Hi, Roo.

Hi.

And I keep killing people I have sex with.

Well, they did say to be honest.

Personally, I'm more shocked at the cranker.

Thank you.

Sorry.

I don't know.

I'm not sure I should stay out too long.

The doctors might freak out, and Roo would worry.

It's a bit intense.

Yeah.

Roo was pretty intense.

Great.

Really great, but mainly intense.

She's like Laurie Oakes, you know.

Smart, dependable, teddy bear good looks, but persistent.

Like an ant.

I guess.

This is nice, isn't it?

This is healing for both of us.

Who cares what the girls are doing.

This is our time.

Sure.

Watch this.

They have to do it.

You going to say something?

You're not afraid of silence, are you, Graham?

How dare you?

Are Roo and EJ staying somewhere over night?

I don't think that's any of your business.

I'd like to see her.

I don't even know you.

I'm sure you've been adequately filled in.

Yes.

But I've never met you before.

Well, perhaps you're not as in touch with your daughter's life

as you think.

You're crossing a line there, Eddie Munster.

You're beyond name calling, Graham.

At least, you see, Mike, you should be.

What do you want with my daughter?

I want to impregnate her with my demon spawn

and take her away to live with me on the island of Dr. Moreau.

What?

What difference does it make what I want with her?

What do you mean by want anyway?

Are you suggesting some sort of barter system?

No.

12 chickens in exchange for your daughter.

Chickens?

All right, 11.

You're talking nonsense.

I don't much care for her hair.

She should use an antifrizz serum.

I just wish I'd never heard of any stupid curse.

So you and Roo are breaking up?

No.

Maybe.

I mean, what's the point?

The trust is broken.

I know she's seeing that Marcus guy again.

I can't even tell when she's telling the truth anymore.

Might as well be dead.

It would probably make things easier for her.

And Zach.

What?

Well, then you'd be the only one.

The sole survivor. - No, no.

No, no one wants that.

No one wants that, do they?

Or do they?

You're not dead.

You're a survivor.

I'm on the way out though, aren't I?

I'm stuffed.

All I know is I'm not making you happy.

If Roo's gonna lie to me, shut me out,

maybe I should just let her be.

Just disappear.

Should we get a banana split?

Now, listen here, you.

I know exactly who you are, and what

it is you do with your bits.

I don't want no part of it for my daughter.

It's not really your call.

She's a grown woman.

She's still my little girl.

Not in bra size, she's not.

My guess is she was an early bloomer by the look

of those chesticles.

Are you always so crude?

I'm a straight talker, Graham.

I call it as I see it.

I would have thought somebody in your position

would appreciate that.

Marriage crumbling due to too many half spoken truths,

bunking down on the couch of your grown daughter

trying to hold onto a connection that

perhaps doesn't exist anymore.

Sometimes straight talking is all men like you

and I have left.

It-- [whistle]

All right, couples, let me see you drop

and give me 20 yanni push ups. Let's go.

ROO: Yanni?

I thought a yanni was a mythical creature?

EJ: No, that's a yowie.

And up and down and up and down and up and down.

That's good.

Yes, you, give me 12 labial lunges.

I beg-- I beg your pardon?

Hup one.

Hup two.

Don't make me come over there, pervert.

Now, that's a bit judgmental.

Move it or lose it.

Lose what?

My vagina?

At least, we'll leave here with really strong pelvic floor

muscles and nightmares.

And the desire to never have sex again.

Not with you.

Nice.

Lunge.

You're not lunging far enough.

Lunge.

What?

[inaudible].

So, this is her net ball trophy from year seven.

Oh, you're gonna love this.

You're gonna love this.

This is her favorite nightie.

She looks so cute when she wears it,

like Little Orphan Annie, but a lady.

Listen, will she be home soon?

It's not the sort of place you bring up kids.

Too drafty.

Do you feel the cold, Marcus?

No.

But it's a lovely house for a rental.

Lovely hot water system.

Fascinating.

Roo has such eclectic taste in furnishings,

and in blokes too sometimes.

Don't tell her I told you that though.

You know, Marcus, to start with you

come off as a bit of a character,

but you grow on a bloke.

Bet you get that all the time.

Do ya?

I bet you get that all the time.

I'm an acquired taste.

Oh, I bet you are.

I bet you are.

Would you like a mango lassi? - That's good, Roo.

Very good.

Now, EJ, why don't you tell Roo something

you've never told her before.

OK.

Let me think.

At Uni, when Michael McCarthy with the calligraphy

said he wanted to marry you, but then he changed his mind,

it was because I told him you were

a furry and your ultimate sexual fantasy

involved Sonic the Hedgehog and Azreal from the Smurfs.

What?

No judgement, Roo.

Just open ears.

He was a jerk, and you were being way too nice to him.

If you kept going out with him, he'd be dead now.

Don't you think I could have handled that myself?

Not really. No.

I always wondered why he gave me

a Garfield when he dumped me.

See, I did you a favor.

Helping.

Excellent.

Building a bridge of healing.

How would you feel if I sabotaged your wedding.

Too late. Mine's off.

What?

Wedding, relationship, everything really.

He took the terrarium. - What's a terrarium?

He took the terrarium?

When did this happen?

Just after Marcus came over. I just felt Zach and I--

What? Marcus came to our house?

What does it matter? I thought he was dead to you?

What did he want? What did he say?

Why do you care?

The guy's a cocktard.

I told him not to come back.

I'm pretty sure he got the message.

You what?

But I'm fine about my canceled wedding, by the way.

You said that's what you wanted.

I didn't know he was going to come to our house.

That's right.

Let us let the ovaries of truth set us free.

Harder.

Harder. Give me more.

More. More.

More.

More.

Come on, harder.

Get at the left.

Harder. Harder.

Harder.

Give me more.

Give me more.

Harder.

Way to punch a vagina.

ROO: This is Roo.

I'm obviously trying to find my phone at the bottom of my bag

at the moment, so leave a message.

[beep]

Roo, it's me.

I just-- I just want to say that--

well, I guess, I wanted to say that I'm sorry things

have been shit between us.

Even though you seem really unhappy lately,

you know, I'm still really glad we met.

OK, bye.

You said you were over him.

I am.

I am over him.

You haven't even looked at me since I told

you I got rid of him today.

I just like being across visitors who

come to our house, that's all.

Charlie's dying.

That's why I want to see him.

Roo, I'm not the enemy.

I never said you were.

If you want to say that idiot, then it's your funeral.

Really? Great.

I didn't mean--

since when is it your funeral great?

You want to go right now?

There's reproductive soul food in the morning.

It's not as if I don't appreciate that Marion

and I are different people.

I'm a lover, she's a fighter.

I'm a rock, she's an island.

But as you said, perhaps straight talking

is what's needed to--

to break down the walls that have grown up

between us, to break them down with a battering ram

made of words.

What time did you say Little Orphan

Annie and friend would be home?

Oh, they're not coming back tonight.

EJ is taking them off on a little trip

to a healing center.

What?

Where are you going?

What's the rush?

I've got chocolate wheatins.

How was the retreat?

Don't ask.

Do you know they only gave us half a show bag

because we only half graduated.

It's a pity, this little gummy vulvas were good.

Mango lassie.

Don't tell me, you've been entertaining.

Might have been.

Ladies?

- The opposite. - What?

Sluts?

No, no, men.

A man.

A very special man.

Oh.

I know what you're going to say,

but he has some very, very interesting

ideas on intercourse, which I can't

say I've considered before.

And I'm very open minded, as well you know.

Marcus was here again?

You can sometimes get the wrong idea

from first impressions just be--

because someone looks like they have dragged themselves up

out of a bin full of sputum.

Doesn't mean that they don't have

genuine charm and life skills.

You have three new messages.

Charlie, thank god you're OK.

What happened?

What are we thinking?

I don't know.

I wasn't.

I just wanted to make things right.

By jumping off a bridge?

My belt got caught in a bit of wire.

A fireman had to get me down.

I was hanging there for ages.

What did you do it?

I just wanted to stop all this craziness.

Stay with me.

That's how we end the craziness.

All right?

You really should change your mind about Marcus.

Why?

Marcus is a nut job.

He's trying to take us all for a ride.

And I want more for Roo than that.

I want her to focus on the one guy who's important to her,

who's good to her.

Her daddy.

Charlie.

Well, what if you're wrong about Marcus?

I'm not.

I know what I saw.

Do you think I want to go on couples retreats

and punch vaginas?

No, I want to sit in the bath and eat BBQ shapes,

but if it means giving Roo some semblance of hope,

then I'll do it.

That's how much I'm against the idea.

GRAHAM: But it's worth a shot, isn't it?

Are you serious?

I could probably put in a good word,

get him thinking about changing his mind.

We had a real connection, a kind of father

figure thing going on.

What?

Graham, not you too.

[knocking]

[knocking]

GRAHAM: Roo?

Sorry to wake you, love, but there's been a phone call.

It's bad news, I'm afraid.

Roo?

Roo?

[theme music]

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