All language subtitles for Laid s02e04.eng

I love you.

I love you too.

You still haven't
told her about Jan?

I saw her boyfriend's
mother being compromised.

My marital status
is still ambiguous.

The only way to do
it is just to press

on without Marcus' permission.

Yeah, you could
drug him and then have

sex with when he's passed out.

How am I supposed
to get him up?

I'm sorry?

He seems to be resisting.

If you think I'm
giving up the only chance

I'll ever have of
getting some, you're

out of your fucking mind.

I wouldn't be going
through all of this

if I wasn't desperate.

[THEME MUSIC - R CRUMB &
HIS CHEAP SUIT SERENADERS,

"MY GIRL'S PUSSY"]

[THEME SONG] There's
one pet I like to pet,

and every evening we get set.

I stroke it every chance I get.

It's my girl's pussy.

Often it goes out at night,
returns at break of dawn.

No matter what the weather's
like it's always nice and warm.

I bring tidbits that it loves,
we spoon like two turtle doves.

I take care to remove my gloves
when stroking my girl's pussy.

ROO: This is Swami Singhali.

He drinks a mug of his own
urine each morning first thing,

and claims he can imbue good
health through copulation.

EJ: I love that word.
Imbue.

Copulation.

Well, that and slinky.

ROO: This is Dr. Bliss.

I don't-- don't know if
that's her real name.

EJ: You think?

ROO: I don't think she's
a medical school one.

I think she's a PhD one.

Anyway, she is a
sexual surrogate.

I see.

You go and see her
instead of a doctor,

that's the surrogacy bit.

When am I meant to understand
what you're on about?

You're not getting the gist?

You figured out how to
use the PowerPoint software?

- Yes.
- Without a grownup.

Don't obsess about
my PowerPoint skills.

What?

It's either that or
engage in your weird game

of Porno Guess Who.
- It's not Porno Guess Who.

Well, can we play
Porno Guess Who?

No.

I've taken a leaf
out of your book.

I've been doing some research.

These people are all options.

EJ: Options for what?

Healing options.

Healing options
that are not Marcus.

Yes.

He's dead to me.

- Great.
- Yep.

I mean, how long can
I keep pushing things.

I've tried to molest him,
tried to steal his sperm.

I'm not proud of that.
I get the message.

It's over.

EJ: You're breaking
up with Marcus?

It's not like
we were going out.

No.
This is great.

This is good.

This is about time.

Yeah.

We'll just think
of it as a process.

No more Marcus.

None.

My life will be
happier, healthier.

Probably have shinier hair.

So just get my back.

I've always got your back.

I know.

ZACH: What do you mean cancel?

Just do it.

The 3:00?

The 4:00 and the 4:30.

Go on, cancel them all.
- Why?

I'm sick.

You?

- Yes.
- What's wrong?

Is it a cold?

I heard there's a
nasty flu going around.

It's a bronchial
thing apparently.

I don't know.

I haven't had a
cold since 2004.

That's weird, isn't it?

Maybe, maybe, I've
been Jesus all along.

I just haven't known it.

Am I?
Aren't I?

Was I?

Too many questions.

So many questions.

Who cares if you're Jesus?

I do.

EJ will dump me otherwise.

Some women have
high standards.

What's the most
awesome thing that you've

ever done to impress a woman?

Cured her blindness.

See, that's what
I'm talking about.

They're not content with a dink
and a lemington these days,

are they?

They want miracles.

You paint beautifully.

So the New medication's
working then?

It's helping with
the stomach pain.

Good.
Great.

Dr. Hugo said there might be
some digestive side effects.

Oh.

Well, I know a great
naturopath who could--

Thanks, but no thanks.

At least hear me out.

Your track record with
healers doesn't exactly

fill me with confidence.

I'll leave it to the experts.

That's not very fair.

Yeah, [inaudible] was
taking me to that Marcus guy

so he could have sex with me.

He might have saved you.

Why are you
sticking up for him?

I'm not.

Have you seen him again?

No.

Not professionally.
- What?

Socially?

No.

Roo?

I just ran into him
a couple of times,

but I want nothing
to do with him.

From now on, we are over.

We?

Not there was
ever a we with him.

Because you and
me,we're we, aren't we?

- Promise me something?
- Anything.

You'll never see him again.

Done.

And never lie to me again.

[knocking]

See, this is why
I don't open doors.

- Is Roo home?
- Oh my god.

What is this?

Come dine with me?

Shouldn't you be off somewhere
screwing someone's mom?

I need to see--

Listen, I'll save
you the embarrassment

of making a pitch.

Roo doesn't want to
see you ever again.

And I wish I'd never seen you.

You could have
warned me, you know.

You let me-- you
let me watch that.

You knew what it was
going to be like.

It was like-- it was like
a naked ferret, you know,

trapped in a pipe.

I shouldn't have seen it.

We've moved on, OK?

No more semen stealing,
no more contact.

Just stay out of our lives,
and we'll stay out of yours.

- Are you finished?
- Yeah.

Good.

Because I--

EJ: There you are.
- I had a missed call from you.

Is everything OK?

Everything's great.

What are you doing?

I've got a surprise for you.

Is it a pony?

Oddly, no.

We're going on a
couples retreat.

Hooray.

Sorry?

Don't ya-- shouldn't we
be a couple to go on a--

Why do you have to
say things like that?

You know, I just
want to love you.

And you push me away.

It's the Center
for Sexual Healing.

I saw an ad down at the Coop.

They don't have a
website, but I'm sure they

know what they're doing.

And I figured if
there's anyone who

requires some healing in the
sex area, it's old Rootie.

Hooray.

You said you wanted to
explore other options.

Yes, yes, I did.

So great.

Who knows, you know,
you might come back

with a totally cured sex area.

Thank you.

Will to live, bit of a
smile, healthy boyfriend.

Excellent outcomes.
Good.

Yes.
Yes.

Great, because I've
already packed the car.

Just hop in.

I'm just going to go and
get the Travel Scrabble,

and then we'll head off.

Why can't I come?

It's a couples retreat,
Zach, I don't think

they're open to three ways.

One, a sexual healing center
sounds like a lot of fun,

and I do really well in group
participation exercises.

Like remember that time--

Yes, I remember when you were
pulled from cows by candlelight

and you sang the
"little Drummer Boy"--

With Kamal.

Yeah, and two,
technically aren't

we supposed to be a couple.

This isn't about us, is it?

This is about Roo.

It's always about
Roo these days.

What about Zach and EJ?

What about our little unit?

What about our
little unit, Zach?

When was the last time
we even felt like one?

You've been off playing
Jesus while I've been

trying to get on with things.

I'm not playing.

My gifts are for you.

Zach, there are no gifts.

You were brain dead
for two minutes,

and frankly, the
side effects are

starting to become an issue.

I beg your pardon?

You actually woke
me up the other night

to tell me that it was amazing
that numbers can be words too.

Tell me that's
not unbelievable.

You haven't said a
thing about the wedding

since you choked on
that stupid fish.

This whole thing's a farce.

I'm sick of it.

I can't-- I don't
have room for--

the weddings off.

We're off.
Have a nice life.

And take the
terrarium this time.

What wedding?

We are open-minded,
non-judgemental,

and we promote
wellness of the heart,

the mind, and the sex organs.

I think we'll put
you in the west wing.

Now, if you'll follow us through
the sexual healing epicenter.

Which one's Jack and
which one's Hillary?

Maybe it's short
for something?

This is the chamber where
we do most of our healing.

If you'll just look
past the box vault.

Sorry, can I
just ask why do you

have parallel bars
and medicine balls

in a sexual healing workshop?

We did have a balance beam,
but the termites mated in it.

It's all about balance.

Gets you thinking, doesn't it?

Yep.

Gets you thinking.

Balance.

It's official.

I'm a single man again.

Does this mean
the wedding's off?

What wedding?

Why does everyone keep
going on about a wedding?

It's probably for the best.

We were moving in directions.

She's obsessed with
Roo, and I thought

she'd be a little bit more
impressed with me being

the second coming of Christ.

It's probably a good
thing we're on a break.

Should we go somewhere?

What do you mean?

You know, like
a little outing.

It might be good for you
to get out in the air.

Hospitals are so depressing.

Yeah.

I don't know if I should.

Yeah, you should.

Look at you.

You look fine.

You look good actually.

CHARLIE: Yeah, but--

Yeah, consider it
a mental health day.

I'll grab some
pillows and an EpiPen,

and put them in a bum bag.

[knocking]

What we really
want to do is invite

people into the honesty pit.

It's a place to
explain who you are,

and why you've come to us.

There's no judgment.

No right or wrong.

For instance, I like rope.

So, who wants to start?

Hi, I'm Ben, and I
can't orgasm unless,

uh, squeezing a lettuce.

I cry when I masturbate.

Long held habit.

In my family, we
call it cranking.

It's just below the
testicles, a spot.

My wife gets really upset, and,
uh, everything just softens.

Hi.

I'm Roo McVie.

Hi, Roo.

Hi.

And I keep killing
people I have sex with.

Well, they did
say to be honest.

Personally, I'm more
shocked at the cranker.

Thank you.

Sorry.

I don't know.

I'm not sure I should
stay out too long.

The doctors might freak
out, and Roo would worry.

It's a bit intense.

Yeah.

Roo was pretty intense.

Great.

Really great, but
mainly intense.

She's like Laurie
Oakes, you know.

Smart, dependable, teddy bear
good looks, but persistent.

Like an ant.

I guess.

This is nice, isn't it?

This is healing for both of us.

Who cares what the
girls are doing.

This is our time.

Sure.

Watch this.

They have to do it.

You going to say something?

You're not afraid of
silence, are you, Graham?

How dare you?

Are Roo and EJ staying
somewhere over night?

I don't think that's
any of your business.

I'd like to see her.

I don't even know you.

I'm sure you've been
adequately filled in.

Yes.

But I've never met you before.

Well, perhaps you're not as in
touch with your daughter's life

as you think.

You're crossing a line
there, Eddie Munster.

You're beyond name
calling, Graham.

At least, you see,
Mike, you should be.

What do you want
with my daughter?

I want to impregnate
her with my demon spawn

and take her away to live with
me on the island of Dr. Moreau.

What?

What difference does it
make what I want with her?

What do you mean by want anyway?

Are you suggesting some
sort of barter system?

No.

12 chickens in exchange
for your daughter.

Chickens?

All right, 11.

You're talking nonsense.

I don't much
care for her hair.

She should use an
antifrizz serum.

I just wish I'd never
heard of any stupid curse.

So you and Roo
are breaking up?

No.

Maybe.

I mean, what's the point?

The trust is broken.

I know she's seeing
that Marcus guy again.

I can't even tell when she's
telling the truth anymore.

Might as well be dead.

It would probably make
things easier for her.

And Zach.

What?

Well, then you'd
be the only one.

The sole survivor.
- No, no.

No, no one wants that.

No one wants that, do they?

Or do they?

You're not dead.

You're a survivor.

I'm on the way out
though, aren't I?

I'm stuffed.

All I know is I'm
not making you happy.

If Roo's gonna lie
to me, shut me out,

maybe I should just let her be.

Just disappear.

Should we get a banana split?

Now, listen here, you.

I know exactly who
you are, and what

it is you do with your bits.

I don't want no part
of it for my daughter.

It's not really your call.

She's a grown woman.

She's still my little girl.

Not in bra size, she's not.

My guess is she was an
early bloomer by the look

of those chesticles.

Are you always so crude?

I'm a straight talker, Graham.

I call it as I see it.

I would have thought
somebody in your position

would appreciate that.

Marriage crumbling due to
too many half spoken truths,

bunking down on the couch
of your grown daughter

trying to hold onto
a connection that

perhaps doesn't exist anymore.

Sometimes straight talking
is all men like you

and I have left.

It--
[whistle]

All right, couples,
let me see you drop

and give me 20 yanni push ups.
Let's go.

ROO: Yanni?

I thought a yanni was
a mythical creature?

EJ: No, that's a yowie.

And up and down and up
and down and up and down.

That's good.

Yes, you, give me
12 labial lunges.

I beg-- I beg your pardon?

Hup one.

Hup two.

Don't make me come
over there, pervert.

Now, that's a bit judgmental.

Move it or lose it.

Lose what?

My vagina?

At least, we'll leave here
with really strong pelvic floor

muscles and nightmares.

And the desire to
never have sex again.

Not with you.

Nice.

Lunge.

You're not lunging far enough.

Lunge.

What?

[inaudible].

So, this is her net ball
trophy from year seven.

Oh, you're gonna love this.

You're gonna love this.

This is her favorite nightie.

She looks so cute
when she wears it,

like Little Orphan
Annie, but a lady.

Listen, will she be home soon?

It's not the sort of
place you bring up kids.

Too drafty.

Do you feel the cold, Marcus?

No.

But it's a lovely
house for a rental.

Lovely hot water system.

Fascinating.

Roo has such eclectic
taste in furnishings,

and in blokes too sometimes.

Don't tell her I
told you that though.

You know, Marcus,
to start with you

come off as a bit
of a character,

but you grow on a bloke.

Bet you get that all the time.

Do ya?

I bet you get that all the time.

I'm an acquired taste.

Oh, I bet you are.

I bet you are.

Would you like a mango lassi?
- That's good, Roo.

Very good.

Now, EJ, why don't
you tell Roo something

you've never told her before.

OK.

Let me think.

At Uni, when Michael
McCarthy with the calligraphy

said he wanted to marry you,
but then he changed his mind,

it was because I
told him you were

a furry and your
ultimate sexual fantasy

involved Sonic the Hedgehog
and Azreal from the Smurfs.

What?

No judgement, Roo.

Just open ears.

He was a jerk, and you were
being way too nice to him.

If you kept going out with
him, he'd be dead now.

Don't you think I could
have handled that myself?

Not really.
No.

I always wondered
why he gave me

a Garfield when he dumped me.

See, I did you a favor.

Helping.

Excellent.

Building a bridge of healing.

How would you feel if
I sabotaged your wedding.

Too late.
Mine's off.

What?

Wedding, relationship,
everything really.

He took the terrarium.
- What's a terrarium?

He took the terrarium?

When did this happen?

Just after Marcus came over.
I just felt Zach and I--

What?
Marcus came to our house?

What does it matter?
I thought he was dead to you?

What did he want?
What did he say?

Why do you care?

The guy's a cocktard.

I told him not to come back.

I'm pretty sure he
got the message.

You what?

But I'm fine about my
canceled wedding, by the way.

You said that's what you wanted.

I didn't know he was
going to come to our house.

That's right.

Let us let the ovaries
of truth set us free.

Harder.

Harder.
Give me more.

More.
More.

More.

More.

Come on, harder.

Get at the left.

Harder.
Harder.

Harder.

Give me more.

Give me more.

Harder.

Way to punch a vagina.

ROO: This is Roo.

I'm obviously trying to find my
phone at the bottom of my bag

at the moment, so
leave a message.

[beep]

Roo, it's me.

I just-- I just
want to say that--

well, I guess, I wanted to
say that I'm sorry things

have been shit between us.

Even though you seem
really unhappy lately,

you know, I'm still
really glad we met.

OK, bye.

You said you were over him.

I am.

I am over him.

You haven't even
looked at me since I told

you I got rid of him today.

I just like being
across visitors who

come to our house, that's all.

Charlie's dying.

That's why I want to see him.

Roo, I'm not the enemy.

I never said you were.

If you want to say that
idiot, then it's your funeral.

Really?
Great.

I didn't mean--

since when is it
your funeral great?

You want to go right now?

There's reproductive
soul food in the morning.

It's not as if I don't
appreciate that Marion

and I are different people.

I'm a lover, she's a fighter.

I'm a rock, she's an island.

But as you said,
perhaps straight talking

is what's needed to--

to break down the walls
that have grown up

between us, to break them
down with a battering ram

made of words.

What time did you
say Little Orphan

Annie and friend would be home?

Oh, they're not
coming back tonight.

EJ is taking them
off on a little trip

to a healing center.

What?

Where are you going?

What's the rush?

I've got chocolate wheatins.

How was the retreat?

Don't ask.

Do you know they only
gave us half a show bag

because we only half graduated.

It's a pity, this little
gummy vulvas were good.

Mango lassie.

Don't tell me, you've
been entertaining.

Might have been.

Ladies?

- The opposite.
- What?

Sluts?

No, no, men.

A man.

A very special man.

Oh.

I know what
you're going to say,

but he has some very,
very interesting

ideas on intercourse,
which I can't

say I've considered before.

And I'm very open
minded, as well you know.

Marcus was here again?

You can sometimes
get the wrong idea

from first impressions just be--

because someone looks like
they have dragged themselves up

out of a bin full of sputum.

Doesn't mean that
they don't have

genuine charm and life skills.

You have three new messages.

Charlie, thank god you're OK.

What happened?

What are we thinking?

I don't know.

I wasn't.

I just wanted to
make things right.

By jumping off a bridge?

My belt got caught
in a bit of wire.

A fireman had to get me down.

I was hanging there for ages.

What did you do it?

I just wanted to stop
all this craziness.

Stay with me.

That's how we end the craziness.

All right?

You really should change
your mind about Marcus.

Why?

Marcus is a nut job.

He's trying to take
us all for a ride.

And I want more
for Roo than that.

I want her to focus on the one
guy who's important to her,

who's good to her.

Her daddy.

Charlie.

Well, what if you're
wrong about Marcus?

I'm not.

I know what I saw.

Do you think I want to
go on couples retreats

and punch vaginas?

No, I want to sit in the
bath and eat BBQ shapes,

but if it means giving Roo
some semblance of hope,

then I'll do it.

That's how much I'm
against the idea.

GRAHAM: But it's worth
a shot, isn't it?

Are you serious?

I could probably
put in a good word,

get him thinking about
changing his mind.

We had a real connection,
a kind of father

figure thing going on.

What?

Graham, not you too.

[knocking]

[knocking]

GRAHAM: Roo?

Sorry to wake you, love, but
there's been a phone call.

It's bad news, I'm afraid.

Roo?

Roo?

[theme music]

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