Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Bag p awry

How did you get in here?

I'm talking to you.

Mom, you're home.

Hi, honey. I'm in a big hurry.

Oh, God, I can explain everything, Mom.

I just had to pick up some papers.

I think.

- Has Mr. Patterson called? - No.

I'm just about ready to close a deal.

Have you had dinner?

Yeah, no, Mom, aren't you mad at me?

Have you seen a manila on me?

Mom, look, I'm here at this, this, this.

Oh, my God.

Ah, okay. I found it. I got to run.

I won't be home till late.

Microwave yourself something for dinner, okay, honey?

Mom!

Honey, wake up.

Yeah.

Mom.

Are you having a bad dream?

I got to get to work. Have a great first day of school.

Okay, bye-bye.

Good morning, good morning.

Hello, my little special fishy friends.

Hi, Jim. Hi, Tammy.

Hello, special friends. How are you?

You're looking pretty sexy today.

All right, guys.

I'm out of here.

Catch you later.

Oh, my God.

What? What?

Get it, Stan. Oh, whoa.

[burps] ♪ This is a matter of time ♪

♪ Till I'm living on the easy street ♪

Yes, we do.

We got it.

How about you?

♪ Before I got the bliss of me ♪

♪ Never far enough, never too much ♪

♪ I feel the power deep down in my heart and soul ♪

♪ I got the devil in my soul, so ♪

Come on, class, settle down.

Open your textbooks to pay 67.

Look, it's your first day. Give me a break.

♪ I'm gonna turn it inside out ♪

♪ You've got the number gonna set me inside out ♪

♪ Here I am the paper, the paper, the pocket, inside out ♪

[whistle blows]

Attention, students.

The chief superintendent of schools has a very important announcement.

Mr. Superintendent.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

The upcoming school year has been canceled.

It's come to my attention that a high school education is absolutely worthless.

My advice to you young folks would be to go home

and continue doing what you've done all summer long.

Party!

Hey, Mel.

♪ I'm gonna take a chance, cause this is my time ♪

♪ There's something telling me that it's so easy ♪

♪ So I'm gonna take a stand and grab what's mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave it on the plane ♪

♪ I'm gonna turn it inside out ♪

♪ You've got the number gonna set me inside out ♪

♪ Here I am the paper, the paper, the pocket, inside out ♪

Hey, how you guys doing?

I'm Kevin. I'm kind of new around here.

I thought maybe I could offend you in some way.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Listen, I'm doing a report on the modern woman.

And entitled "Girls Don't Break Wind Another, Miss."

And I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.

What?

Come on, it'll take a few minutes.

I guess.

Great.

What is the first thing you look for in a guy, Miss Esprit?

Amanda.

Money.

Okay.

And the second thing, Amanda?

Nice car. Yes! Marty, your money is mine!

We have arrived!

[crying]

Hey, baby, your prince has arrived.

Hi, Annie.

Hey, Amanda.

Who is that guy?

I don't know.

Oh, what? What's that?

It was.

And if a guy doesn't have much money or a car,

what do you look for then?

A sense of humor, sexy eyes, I don't know, moose in the air.

A way out.

You bothering my girlfriend?

Your girlfriend?

Yeah.

Must be the moose.

Because if you don't look good, we don't look good.

Hi, my name's Kevin.

Hey, what's your problem, Fuzzhead?

You!

Leave Amanda alone.

Come on.

Okay, one wears moose, the other is loose.

Oh, God.

Just remember she's off limits to you.

[crowd cheering]

Come on, Cecil!

[crowd cheering]

What are you taking to live?

What was your name, huh?

What was your name?

Go, Cecil!

Kill him!

I'm a terrible baby friend.

Can you say that?

Can you say "friend"?

Kill him!

I didn't mean that.

Who is killing him?

Come on!

[crowd cheering] It's difficult now, was it?

Oh, you're dead!

[crowd cheering]

Break it up!

Coach, this puke was asking for it.

Yes, Coach, I requested that moose here kick my ass.

Oh, you're right.

You all right?

Yeah.

You'll go to the principal's office immediately.

Let's go, buddy.

[bell ringing]

[crowd cheering]

Hey, what are you doing with that guy?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Thank you, Cecil.

Anything for you, Amanda.

Anything for you, Amanda.

That guy still made you look like a wuss.

All right, you wuss that again and you can hang out

with the Geeks and Science Club.

Now come on.

We'll be late for ceramics.

I don't ever want to see you do that again, OK?

Do I make myself clear?

[crowd cheering]

[music playing]

[phone ringing]

Julie, get the phone.

[phone ringing]

Kevin W. Matkins.

Well, you've got quite a history here, young man.

Your records indicate that you've been in and out

of five different high schools in the past two and a half years.

That's six high schools.

Six high schools?

Yes, ma'am.

I see.

Well, what seems to be the trouble, Mr. Matthews?

No trouble.

My mother and I, we just-- we move around a lot.

She's in real estate.

Uh-huh.

Hey, this Nimrod forgot to use capital letters.

[laughs]

E.E. Cummings happens to be one of the great poets of our time.

I love his writing.

And I can assure you that he is not a Nimrod.

I don't think you are either, young man.

Thank you.

Yours is the record of a classic underachiever.

Well, I'm starting to be ashamed of.

You know, recent studies show that underachievers

have lower cholesterol and live longer than overachievers.

Not in this school, Jughead.

Miss Bernhardt does not have time for overachievers.

You may go, Coach.

Yes, ma'am.

You sure you're gonna be okay?

Of course I'll be okay.

You're just making sure you're okay.

[laughs]

I'll, uh, see you in your teacher's lounge.

Uh, it says here that you have been in several other scrapes before.

Yeah.

No, I think it stems from the fact that I'm a latchkey kid.

I seek the attention that my mother has failed to give me on compulsion.

Be that as it may, I won't tolerate fighting in my high school.

But I didn't start it.

I don't care.

If you have any problems, you can come and talk to me about it.

But, uh, I don't want to see you in my office again otherwise.

Is that clear?

Yes, ma'am.

Now, you go back to class.

Coach, you should see a dermatologist about that.

Hi.

Be right there.

Welcome to Emorys and I.

Thanks.

[music]

Bensfield, Massachusetts.

Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Hey, you've certainly been around.

Okay, so my mom's won in 16th state.

You gonna be here for a while or what?

I hope so. I'm tired of moving.

What brings you to the wiener business?

Well, I like to sell a product I'm familiar with, and I know my wiener.

This is my business.

Been in my family for three generations.

I'm not like one of those chains on the strip.

I can't afford to hire jerkoffs.

I look at it this way.

You want to succeed in business, you gotta

offer a quality product at an affordable price.

Wonder wiener.

Good food.

Good people.

You want one?

No, thanks.

Good. I don't feed part-times.

You hire a waggoner.

Uh, come here.

I want to show you how the sink works.

It's stainless steel, it's got two grains, this is the hot, this is the cold.

Sorry I'm late. I'm docking you.

Come on, for five minutes? Let's see, it's six cents a minute, that's 30 cents.

I guess Harvard's out.

This rocket scientist will show you the ropes.

Oh, and this is Sheldon over here, overactive libido, and this is Larry.

I'm nearly brain dead.

What we got here is a grease pocket.

Now, we can get one of these, you take this

attachment here, and you just scrub it right.

Hi, I'm Lucy.

I'm Ethel.

Senior at school. Kevin, isn't it?

Uh, right.

Hi.

Hi.

The following announcement is a warm token of our

deep appreciation of yesterday's cafeteria lunch menu.

[burps]

Dude, the ski club is where it's at, okay? We have--

Awesome parties. We're going to Vail next season.

Alright, have you guys ever gone down the China Bowl? I mean, it's awesome.

The ski club is the hottest club on campus, alright dude?

If you guys ever gone to Vail, we're going there next season. It's awesome.

You know, you go down the China Bowl, and you hit all

this powder, and you're swooshing, swooshing, swooshing.

And you can't think of anything, you know, you go down the China Bowl, and you hit

all this powder, and you're swooshing, swooshing, swooshing.

And you can't think of anything but getting down to that hot tub and partying.

Did I tell you about the parties, the ski bunnies that we have?

They're awesome.

Come on, sweetheart. Make me look beautiful.

Just load it in there. Feels good. Feels about right.

Okay, suck this right up there. They're looking good.

Excuse me. But our roster's completely full. We're

not going to be able to have any new members this year.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, hi, Tad. Welcome to the club.

Here, could you just sign this for me, please?

I'm tired.

Thank you.

So, what do I do?

Hey, Amanda. You in this club?

You know, you just don't learn, do you, pudknocker?

Whoa, say, how's the neck, huh? Still friends?

Good, uh, the ascot's you. I love it.

You guys both at this club? I got a joint.

We're full, but, uh, we can put you on our three-year waiting list.

Ah, gee, by then I'll be starting my MBA.

You'll be finishing bartenders school. This won't work.

No. See, I don't think you're right for this club.

We're looking for people who are,

uh, a little more socially sophisticated.

Like Moose here?

Yeah, like Moose. Seisel! Whatever.

God, I hate rejection. You know, I'm the only child of

divorced parents, and I need some extracurricular activities.

Maybe you could suggest one, Amanda.

Well, I hear the French club is interesting.

Yeah? Oh, see you, pick. Merci.

French club, huh?

Let me see. That would be croissant.

Soupte de je vous ne vauter.

French fries.

Grand t'etat.

Hey, Ickles, why don't you take a long walk on a short beach?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Au revoir.

I'm gonna knock you in it tomorrow, pal.

Ski club today. Hey, have you thought about joining the ski club match?

It's totally awesome. Hey, what's happening?

Hey, dude, you're not happening. What happened to your legs, man?

China bowl.

I don't know they bowled in China.

Right on, dude.

How'd you really break them?

No, bail, man. We're going there next season.

See you on there. Righteous, man. Party till you drop.

Cool, dude. Let's see.

Letter bag.

Ski club. Hey, man, join the ski club.

I guess that leaves.

Silence. Now there's a Petri dish.

The eyes have it. I don't want the hell. Maybe I'll learn something.

Doubtful, but we need members.

Kevin.

Lucy.

Sign here.

All right.

Can we get a little order, please?

Can I have some order?

Thank you.

And the semester's first meeting of the

Emerson Science Club will now come to order.

I'd like to introduce myself. I'm the president. My name's Elliot.

And this is Chris and Joanne.

Come on, Joanne, all right. Stop with the

biting, okay? I'm getting gang green here.

I'm looking like the elephant man.

And that's our vice president, Lucy.

And I'd like to welcome our new member, Kevin.

Hi, everybody. It's a pleasure to be here.

I mean, be here.

All right, all right. Don't get better.

Okay, our first order of business today is

why we can't seem to get any more members.

I mean, this used to be a really great club.

What happened?

I guess one of our members a couple of years ago,

he fried his brains, and the membership really took a plunge.

What'd he do?

I guess he ripped some chicks' clothes off. That's a problem.

Those teenage hormones, they get you every time.

You know, this could be like the best club, you know?

Guys, we could have a blast in here. This place could be really cool.

Check it out. What a size, man.

Oh, hello. What do we have here?

Quick, somebody call Geraldo.

What is it?

I don't know.

Yeah, help me. Help me with some of these bricks.

Get out.

I don't know. It looks like a hole or something back here.

What's in there?

I don't know. I can see something right now.

It looks like a bottle or something.

Yeah, wait. Hold this. Got it?

What is it? Just throw it down there.

What is this?

Prune juice.

Property of Barney Springborough.

Anybody here know Barney Springborough?

Never heard of him.

That's the guy who freaked out at the prune.

Whoo!

Oh, that must have been a bad year.

I like it. I like it a lot.

I really do. I really do. We're gonna do beautiful things here.

I think our home entertainment center might look like a good place to go.

I think our home entertainment center might look good right to back.

Hey, huh?

What's going on here, huh?

Let me spell it out for you, brainiacs.

See, the key club needs new lounge space.

Well, I like this lab. I really do.

I like it.

And because we're nice guys,

we're gonna give you each $10 to shut up and hold your meetings elsewhere.

No, no, no. I don't think you understand.

You see, we wouldn't move for 100 bucks apiece.

Speak for yourself.

You guys don't need this prime space for five measly members.

The science club has always had this lab, and we always will.

That's right. We're not leaving. Right, guys?

Oh! Oh, that's tough words to eat.

Come on, come on, do them.

There's not gonna be any fighting in here.

Yo-ho, little lady. Out of the way.

Almost I thought we were neighborly friends, huh?

Come on, man.

Huh? Aren't you my friend? Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Come on, you guys. Help him out.

I can see Suzanne Ballyn.

Hey, hey.

He just needs a little loosening up.

Oh, I'm gonna do the trick.

Oh, yeah. No, man.

Open up.

(Grunting)

(Laughing)

(Grunting)

(Laughing)

(Coughing)

(Coughing)

(Coughing)

(Sighing)

You poisoned him.

You okay?

Just prune juice.

Just prune juice, all right? Let's go.

All right.

You okay?

Hey, does anybody know CPR?

Oh, I do, but I'm not gonna kiss him.

Joanne, you kiss him.

No way, pal.

Lucy, you're the only one left.

Yeah, come on, Lucy. He's gonna die.

Come on.

Come on, let's do it.

Go on.

(Sighing)

Do it.

How'd you kindly get off my chest?

I was going towards this brilliant white mind.

And I saw Grandma.

Uncle Louie.

Jimi Hendrix.

(Laughing) Never mind.

Well, you're welcome.

You know, a little less blowing, you'd be a great kisser.

(Laughing)

Come on, help me up.

It was cool the way you stood up for those guys.

Yeah, it's no big deal. There's jerks like them in every town.

Well, why'd you do it? You don't care about the science lab.

Because Wayne is an idiot.

Now, I don't know what his girlfriend sees in him.

I gotta give him a hard time.

It's a guy thing.

Oh, that makes sense.

(Laughing)

What are you doing working in a place like this for, or anyway?

Business is slow. I can get a lot of studying done and get paid to handle wieners.

You know, it's a girl thing.

Touche.

I think that studying is very important to you.

One colossal wiener, please.

What's important to you?

World peace, animal rights, and getting my driver's license.

Oh, God. I'm free at 9.30.

Maybe we could work out, have a drink, read a couple of tapes,

and I'll bring along a colossal wiener.

You come near me, I break your wiener.

Want some coffee?

Real thanks.

Coffee makes my head explode.

So does studying.

Get out of here.

Studying does make the time pass,

and hopefully it'll get me to a decent college.

I'm not in enough like these architects.

I got the stupider.

You gotta knock this off, man.

You gotta quit this.

You gotta put these assholes back, man.

We gotta feed these stupiders, man.

Listen to me.

I'm the assistant manager here, okay?

I get $4 in a nickel to make sure you do what you're supposed to be doing, okay?

So let's get ahold of yourself.

Let's get back to work. Dismantle this thing.

Let's get on with it, okay?

Okay.

Just do it.

Just do it.

Listen to me.

Last year, an extraterrestrial was spotted in Cheyenne,

and won the next year in Grand Rapids,

and it looks like this.

Ooh.

Hey, you live in both those places, huh?

Yeah.

You ever, uh, see one of these here?

Well, actually, oh, no.

Why, why, why, why?

You never believe me.

Try me.

Okay, yeah.

I did see an extraterrestrial.

In fact, I did more than see one.

I had an extremely close encounter with one.

An encounter of the closest guy.

Wait.

You port an extraterrestrial?

- Yes, I did. - Bull.

She had two sexual organs, one in the sole of each foot.

Mm.

Mm.

Ooh, that got a foot out of her, though.

Okay, so what was this alien woman doing here?

You know, I don't know, but she kept stepping on my cross.

Ooh.

[ Laughs ] Look.

You're a smart-ass kid.

I knew you wouldn't believe me.

Oh, I believe you.

Shut up!

All right, let's see you do some honest word for your change.

Get in the back and stack some wieners.

It's my turn.

No, I want smart-ass to do it.

Well, but I stacked him yesterday,

and I did a wonderful job I might add nice and even,

like little bricks.

And that's what they taste like.

Oh, so now you're a smart-ass, too, huh?

Okay, well, you can both do it.

Get in the back, whack him, and stack him.

Oh, come on, give us a break.

Do it!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

Damn! Did you see that?

Well, those wieners need stacking.

[ Grunts ]

Yes, um, stacked wieners are happy wieners.

[ Coughs ] Who's a Weisenheimer?

It was probably gas, gas buildup.

Yeah, that's it.

Gas!

Excessive gas buildup in the bottle caused by infrequent use,

resulting in a sudden violent eruption.

Same principle as male and internal emissions.

Right, guys?

Larry, shoot!

Come on, get over here, it's the problem.

What do you think it was, Kevin?

I think it was weird.

Definitely weird.

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Birds chirping ]

My fishy friends, Jim, Tammy, something weird's going on, man.

You guys gotta help me.

I can't figure it out, man.

[ Whirring ]

[ Whirring continues ]

I can't handle this, guys.

[ Whirring continues ]

I'm gonna get a movie I can.

[ Music playing ]

Who knows that new guy?

So?

[ Whirring continues ]

Ooh, getting some ventilation back there, Icy.

Wait, come here.

What?

Stand behind me. I just put my pants.

What?

I just love a full moon, don't you?

Very romantic.

If you're gonna wear a tight pants, you ought to at least wear some underwear.

I don't have any. You ate them all.

I think. Where are they? Good.

Quick, somebody. Get a hose on them.

Ow!

[ Whirring ]

You little kids, out of here!

I was afraid to leave this.

I can't help it. They're still growing.

[ Whirring continues ] [ Whirring continues ]

Okay. It should be time.

So what are you doing in this class anyway?

I figured it'd be a good place to meet girls.

How about you?

Figure I might never meet a girl and should learn to take care of myself.

Oh, and I miss Mitchell as the hottest teacher in school, don't you think?

Oh, totally.

[ Whirring continues ]

[ Whirring continues ]

It's not ready yet.

[ Thud ]

Oh, no, my souffle!

Oh, it's flat!

[ Chuckles ]

What do we do in this situation?

[ All chanting "Worth It!" ]

Good. Okay.

Any questions?

Elliot!

Yes, um, could you spell "phalopian" again?

"Phalopian"?

Oh, oh, no, wait. That's my sex-ed notes.

Um, spatula. Can you spell "spatula," please?

Yes. Um, S-P-A- Uh...

Um...

Ah, yes, here we have it.

Um, S-P-A-T-U-L-A.

[ Whirring continues ]

My, there's quite a breeze in here today.

[ Whirring continues ]

Uh, class dismissed.

Um, and don't forget, tomorrow we'll be boning a chicken.

Uh, Kevin, I'd like to speak with you, please.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Were you responsible for that incident?

I mean, that look, I-I've seen it somewhere before.

That look, uh...

This look... No, I...

Threw this together this morning.

Not that look. That expression.

Uh, it reminded me of somebody.

Uh, oh, gosh, what was his name?

Uh, it was so weird.

At my prom, he had this trick,

and he made everybody's clothes fly off.

Um...

Barney!

Barney, Barney Springborough?

Yeah! Barney, that was his name.

That's the name of the bottle.

I-I know that name. That's the name of the bottle.

What bottle? Uh, never mind.

Um, I-I'm sorry about the skirt, Ms. Mitchell.

Don't worry about it.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, let me carry those for you.

I'll carry my own things. This isn't high school.

It isn't?

You know what I mean.

I'm the principal, not some teenage schoolgirl.

What do you want from me and way?

I just want to know that I at least have a chance with you.

We are just two different.

I need someone with a strong intellect.

Oh! Oh! All right.

Uh, late for class, aren't we, Mr. Matthews?

Yes, uh, Ms. Bernhardt. Ms. Mitchell wanted me to, uh, separate her eggs.

Way too smart for that jughead.

All right. You've got detention.

[ Ding! ]

Oh, here. Let me help you with those.

Gotta go.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my goodness.

I bet you these guys have strong intellect.

Don't get any ideas.

That was confiscated from the girls' locker room.

Sure, Rose.

But if you ever want the real thing,

a real man...

[ Chuckles ]

What the hell is this stuff?

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sniffles ]

[ Sniffles ]

Bottoms up.

Oh! Oh, God! That's awful.

Whoo!

Ow.

[ Sighs ]

All right, Al.

[ Ding! ]

[ Clattering ]

Sorry, Al. So much for your thirst.

[ Exhales ]

All right.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Ding! ]

[ Chuckles ]

Whoo!

[ Humming ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

[ Humming continues ]

[ Laughs ]

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Fascinating. Yeah!

[ Gasps ]

Lucy, you shouldn't sneak up on people.

Especially when they're making things fly, right?

[ Sighs ]

I see we're hitting the old prune juice.

Yeah, I'm pretty clogged up here.

You know, I don't know how Grandpa can even drink this stuff.

Mind if I take a hit? Go ahead. You'll be sorry.

[ Chuckles ] This isn't prune juice, is it?

No. Some kind of a weird, funky soda or something.

You know, it gives you these weird powers.

Here, watch this.

Hey!

Are you doing this? Yeah, pretty amazing, huh?

You should see what I can do with women's clothes.

Yeah, I know.

You know, Lucy, I've always looked up to you.

Look, have you given any thoughts

of the commercial possibilities of this stuff?

Don't talk down to me.

I'm serious. We should go into business.

And you know what? It tastes like toxic waste.

Kevin, do you mind?

Oh, sorry.

The arms.

[ Chuckles ]

I've got an idea.

Okay, shoot.

I'm talking big picture here,

as in you and me giving the world telekinesis.

You and me.

Look, you need somebody with business sense

to get this thing off the ground.

We'll take you to some pharmaceutical firms,

sell to the highest bidder.

No, wait. We can do better.

We'll break it down ourselves. Then we'll synthesize it.

We'll form our own company and go public.

Lucy, you really think this is the right thing to do?

Think goodbye.

No more backbreaking labor or energy in your machines.

Once a few people have it, the rest can't afford not to.

Of course, if no one has to move a muscle for anything,

we must when I still be booming.

It's a good place to invest in a side.

I'm talking big bucks.

Yeah.

You know, maybe then my mom wouldn't have to work so much, huh?

Yeah.

That'd be all right.

Remember, not a word about this to anybody till we're ready.

If this gets out, there'll be a lot of people

trying to get their hands in that potion.

Not if they tasted it.

What if they carbonated it?

What do you say? Are we partners?

Okay.

Hotness.

(laughing)

Ah! Close the door.

What would it be? There's weeders in the bathroom, too?

There's no toilet paper in there.

And you two are linked. I'm docking you both.

Give me a break. It's only ten after.

I don't care if it's ten seconds after.

Why was there no toilet paper in the bathroom?

What--

(gasping)

Why not sing them like this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh!

(gasping)

(gasping)

(gasping)

(screaming)

(crashing)

Mike, you should always wait.

It's heaven.

Okay, somebody help me with my buns.

You gotta control yourself.

Oh, yeah, but he's different from yours.

All right, take these to the back and rinse them off.

What the hell is going on here?

Cheap toilet paper?

Bull, I saw this kid's face.

I've seen those psychics in the probe.

That's how they look.

Oh, no, psyche.

But, all right, I guess you found out the truth about me.

Kevin--

No, my Lucy, I think it's about time Mike learned the truth about me.

Mike, I'm an alien.

Yeah, you're a freak.

You're so bad.

All right, show me those buns.

Let's go. Come on.

Let's go.

Here we go now. Here we go now, boo.

Come on, man.

Boo.

Here's the last of your tinker toys.

These are DNA pieces.

Fine, we like DNA pieces.

Ladies, join the party.

Have a nice cold bath.

Come here.

Get out of here.

They can't do this to us.

They can, and they just did.

What's all this stuff? What's going on here?

Those key club pigs have just taken over our lab.

What?

And they changed the locks overnight.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

We're about to have a meeting here. You guys are gonna have to leave, thank you very much.

No, no, no, no, no.

School of Bylaws says the club has to have

at least 10 members to reserve school space.

You don't. We do.

Miss Bernhardt's already approved it.

The space is now ours.

Yeah, get lost, suckers. We're studying.

(laughing)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, come on.

What?

You know what's doing there? You've got to get the mask.

What are we gonna do?

I think there's nothing there.

Hey, I'm sure Miss Mitchell won't mind if we use the home ec room today.

You have a good idea. Come on, let's go.

All right, guys. Hey.

(music playing) Oh, he's breaking up. He's breaking up.

Oh, the pilot's under the roof.

Oh!

(cheering)

Key club, key club, key club, key club, wow!

(bell ringing)

Yeah, Lincoln.

I'm telling you, don't worry about it. We have an open relationship.

(sighing)

Kevin.

Cecil, he's asleep.

Shoot. That's right. I'll sneak right around him, grab the stuff.

No, no, no, that'll be too risky. You wake him.

Can you, um, do your thing?

I don't know. I haven't had any of that stuff since yesterday.

Where's that for the quickly?

It's where the shot fell.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't know if I can do this.

Be careful.

Oh, no, not Cecil.

He's all right. He's only a couple of drops.

Oh, I got him.

Oh, close.

Okay, peace, okay.

(sighing)

All right.

Goodness God.

I'll hide this in my locker.

Here we come.

Hey, pal. You're trespassing on key club territory.

No, no, no, no, if you don't, don't get your dandruff up.

We came here to talk to you. I have an idea.

Fight me.

No, thanks. Where's Amanda? That's a joke. That's a joke.

Anyway, you know, I heard that during homecoming week,

there's this big event called the Penguin Race.

And anyway, I thought...

Yeah. We win it every year.

Okay, look, how's this sound? We win, we get the lab back.

You win, we get the lab back, okay? Deal?

(clapping) Time's up.

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

All right. Deal.

Okay.

We're gonna wipe the field with your ass.

(laughing)

I don't know about this.

What do you mean?

Nobody but the key club has ever won the Penguin one.

Besides, it's so dumb.

Who cares about the stupid science lab anyway?

You know, Joanne says you're whack for getting us in this mess.

Oh, why doesn't Joanne tell me that herself?

Kevin, you had no right putting your asses on the line with the key club.

Look, Kevin, you're the new guy here, and you just don't understand.

The key club has always ruled, and we've always survived by putting up with our BS,

and now you're gonna make us lose what little self-respect we had.

This is how you all feel?

Lucy?

Don't you guys get it?

This isn't about the Penguin run, or even the stupid lab for that matter.

It's about our self-respect.

Man, listen to yourselves. You're pathetic.

I mean, all right, yeah, I know I'm the new guy.

I always have been.

In every school, it's the same.

There are people who crap and people who take crap.

I just never take it.

And I don't let any of my friends take it either.

So, what's a Penguin run anyway?

Now, for those of you that don't know exactly what the Penguin race is,

here's my good buddy, Mel.

Mel?

Mel.

Oh, oh.

Yes.

Well, it's a relay race with four people on each key.

Now, the key club has always won it,

and they've held the Penguin trophy since 1947.

Hey, hey, shut up.

Miss Bernhardt's on stage now.

Homecoming is a special time of the year.

We're always so happy to see old friends and meet new ones.

As your principal, I hereby open this year's Homecoming!

And now, I'd like to turn the mic over to Coach Kirby,

who will officiate the first event of all of these exciting Homecoming activities.

Coach Kirby?

Thank you, Miss Kirby.

Students, as you go through the obstacle course

you feel the sting of competition,

just remember that the Penguin run is a lot like life.

As we wild through our cold and slippery paths, remember this.

Lovers are those who kneel.

Lovers are those whose lips smash on imagined sky.

That was beautiful.

Shit.

E-coming's, Jugheads!

Hey! Who the hell is an E-coming?

In each leg of the relay race,

each one of you viruses will carry a plastic fish in his or her mouth.

That will be passed from contestant to contestant.

One more thing.

Your ankles will be bound by rubber bands,

so you walk like little fairy penguins.

Okay, clubs, get ready to start the race.

But remember, you must carry your fish across the finish line.

Dropping your fish or walking in an unpenguin-like fashion means

disqualification.

Okay, guys, this is it. It's your hour.

Now, I know the war is held,

and that some of you may not make it back to your loved ones,

but the hated key club is upon us like a giant zit,

and we are the fingers that will squeeze that zit.

We are the science club proud and strong.

Oxygen! Oxygen! You can't go wrong!

Will the following clubs please proceed to the starting line?

Diners Club, Photo Clubs, Key Club, Key Club, Science Club.

Science Club? Those geeks, they haven't got a prayer!

I hope they don't get hurt.

Hey, this is gonna be great.

I'd love to see a little blood spill from the science club.

Ladies and gentlemen, they have four very tough events to fall on their asses here.

Oh, look, Mr. Kravitz is handing out the rubber fish.

Rubber fish?

Mel, that reminds me of your mother's cooking.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like the race is about to begin.

The fish are up and...

Hey!

Come on, you ass! Go, go!

Stop what you're doing, cause you're feeling old,

and you're mad enough today.

All I know is sitting in the car, and you can never play.

Time in the middle, don't you think?

And I think you're just gonna make it all the same.

The basic legs are hard, and I care in the game.

I treat the chat, going back to set-up,

I get a very strong price to bake.

Feel the earth, and hear the thunder every day.

The most overwhelming part, there'd be the best of fun in the garden.

And I think that's all, but with that, that we could...

(cheering)

Come on, guys!

(grunting)

What are you doing?

Come on, man!

All right, Lucia, all right, you got it.

That's it!

That's it!

That's it!

(cheering)

That wasn't cool, man.

Cool. Right.

Come on, my little penguin, come on, wild for me, baby, come on!

As I remember, you thought E.E. Cummings was a Nimrod.

Did I say that? I changed my mind.

Come on, come on.

Come on!

(cheering)

Move a little bit closer, babe.

You got what it takes.

Aye, aye, aye, I gotta shake.

Just a little bit faster, babe.

I can drink a drink, babe.

I gotta shake.

Shake, shake, shake, I'm a madman.

(cheering)

Shake, shake, I'm a madman.

Oh, what?

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

They win!

The Science Club wins!

Oh, there they are!

You guys win!

Never before has this key club been beat.

The higher they piss, I'm so happy for the Science Club.

Mal, why don't you just go join those geese, Mal?

I'm so glad I can.

Bob, what are you doing?

(groaning)

Don't wait.

Hey, wait, I'm sorry.

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

Congratulations, Kelly.

I hear something for you.

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

I will never wash these lips again.

(cheering)

(cheering)

Yeah!

(cheering)

(cheering)

(cheering)

Hey!

Too bad, babe. Better luck next year.

What the hell are you doing with that guy?

The homecoming queen. I'm supposed to kiss the winner.

- Yeah, she asked to kiss the winner. - Shut up!

That butt white is dead!

Coach, what do you want?

Well, I want to take you away from all this and take

you to dinner so we can get to know each other better.

(laughing)

My home.

(whistling)

(laughing)

(gulping)

(instrumental music)

Of all the high schools in all the towns in all the world,

he walks in the mine.

Hossinsky, Maddox, Masters, Matthews, Kevin W. Bingo.

Medical history measles, mumps, chicken pox, allergies,

penicillin, cats, tomatoes.

Tomatoes.

Says he's got a violent reaction to tomatoes.

That's it.

That's it.

That's perfect.

And you know, Simone, one of the butt sisters,

wore a mini to the dance the other night.

Wait, that cow actually put on a mini skirt?

Thought she ever fall on a foot.

Her mom sewed two together.

[LAUGHTER]

Wait, does this match my new running shoes?

Yeah.

A new flavor for Wayne.

Are you kidding?

That jerk's been ignoring me ever since he lost a penguin run.

Guys are so stupid.

Yeah, that's OK.

I'll show him.

What are you going to do?

Well, I think I'm going to ask that new guy, Kevin,

to go to the game tonight.

Oh.

[LAUGHTER]

And wouldn't it be a shame if Wayne found out from one

of my dear, dear friends?

What, that Kevin's kind of cute?

But why does he always hang out with that geeky playing girl, Lucy?

Mom, who cares?

I just want my neck--

Oh my god.

I can't control my arm.

[LAUGHTER]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHTER] [SCREAMING]

[LAUGHTER]

[SCREAMING] [LAUGHTER] [INTERPOSING VOICES]

It's not even my color.

What happened to you?

This is never going to come.

I know.

I'm always--

What is the matter with you?

What did you do?

I don't know.

I never wear this color.

I don't have anything in there.

I can't go home.

You guys don't tell anybody it was me, please.

[INAUDIBLE] [BEEPING]

Now here's the last of your personal grooming aids.

By the way, if at all you run a little low--

Hey, here. Hey.

[LAUGHTER]

Keep the lab, man.

We'll get another room.

But you're still going to be a bunch of geeks.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for stopping by, boys.

We had a fabulous time, didn't we, dear?

Yes, we really did.

Absolutely wonderful.

Oh, the spinach quiche you brought up.

To die for.

It was good.

It was.

Anyway, send the kids our love and drive safely.

All right, OK.

Bye-bye.

Bye. OK.

[LAUGHTER]

Those guys are weird, man.

Definitely weird.

Hey, just wait.

I left a little something behind for him.

Attention, incoming warheads.

Everybody get under your desks.

Place your heads between your legs.

And kiss your asses goodbye.

Woo-hoo!

Lucy, wait up.

Lucy, wait up.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Lucy.

Hey, hey, come here.

Didn't you hear me?

What's the matter?

Nothing. Just go away.

Wait, we had the same whole room, though.

Really, what's going on here?

You don't get it, do you?

Kevin, what do you think of me?

I think you're great.

You're my partner.

You're my pal.

Just what I thought.

Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you-- what are you talking about?

I'm talking about me and you.

Look, I don't want to be your partner.

I don't think we should try and make this stuff.

Wait, what do you mean? We're not partners anymore?

Yes, I mean, no.

Listen, before you came here, the only thing I cared about

was studying.

And now I'm having fun.

And it's special to me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, what I'm trying to say is I was wondering

if you and I could--

Hi, Kevin. How's the champ? Can I talk to you for a minute?

Uh-- yeah, sure.

I'll see you in class.

So are you going to the game tonight?

Maybe you.

Well, I might.

I could find somebody to go with.

What about your squeeze?

- Wayne? - Yeah?

Let me split up.

Yeah, what about Cecil?

Cecil?

Yeah, you know, I--

I kind of like that moose.

I feel sorry for him.

What about you?

Mwah.

Wayne, do you want to go to the game with me tonight?

Um, yeah, sure.

When should I--

Keep me up at 7.

It's my dress.

All right.

[BELL RINGING]

Good morning, class.

Misnaming is out ill today.

I am your substitute homeroom teacher.

I leave call rule now.

Jackson?

Yeah.

Jameson?

Here.

Joe.

Lucy, you're not going to believe what just happened.

Amanda asked you to the game tonight.

OK, so what am I thinking now?

All right, never mind. Come on, now.

How did you know that?

I knew yesterday.

Amanda's doing this just to make Wayne jealous.

Kaminsky.

Lucy, nobody does that.

This isn't an old episode of "Gid You."

Kaminsky?

I'm serious.

She's using you.

Kaminsky.

It's Lucy Kaminsky.

Here.

Think about it.

She's in the key club, and you're in the science club.

So what?

Lucy, I don't understand you.

Well, just do what you want.

I always have.

Madry, is it?

Yeah, here, Miss Little Weenie.

I mean, Miss Santini.

Sorry.

[LAUGHTER]

Yes, Señor Re Matris.

I was wondering if you could help us with our biology homework.

No, I do not normally teach biology, señor re Matris.

I teach Italian.

If you like, I will help you with your Italian homework.

That'd be great. Fantastic.

OK, how do you say in Italian, is your clam

ready for my linguini?

Let me ask you something, little boy.

Is your linguini ready for my clam?

[LAUGHTER]

Hello, students and faculty.

This is Miss Bernfart, Bernfart with your daily announcements.

Today, we begin preparations for next Saturday's

Homecoming Festival.

The information is on the handout you've already received.

Remember to bring your parents so we can show off our school now.

Coach Kirby has just walked in.

I'm sure he wants to say a few words about tonight's

homecoming game with the Panthers.

Rose, rose, rose.

I realize the importance of tonight's game.

Rose, my heart has a deep, deep desire for you.

Rose, will you marry me?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Coach Kirby.

Yes.

My way out.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[CHEERING]

Oh, god.

Oh, yes.

Get everyone down.

Yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Men.

I can't believe you picked me up on a bike.

Will you stop this thing?

I gotta fix my hair.

All right, hold on.

OK, here we go.

Be careful.

You've never been out on a bicycle before?

No, most guys I date drive nice cars.

Oh, great.

You see, a bike is only a problem to drive in.

There's no window to hang the speaker on.

Well, what are you doing?

You look fine.

Well, I can't let my friends see me like this.

Why not?

Tell your friends they shouldn't care.

Yeah, well, most guys do.

Like Wayne?

Well, yeah, like Wayne.

Let's go.

And that guy treats you like a pin on his letterman's jacket.

What do you mean?

I mean, to him, you're just a decoration to show off.

I mean, look at this. You do all of this for him.

What does he do for you?

I don't know.

Nothing, I guess.

Has he ever done anything special for you?

Well, sure he has.

Last week, yeah.

No, Cecil did that.

Well, for my birthday, him.

He bought me this.

No, Cecil bought me those, too.

Well, Cecil treats me special.

I can't believe I just said that.

Why not?

You know, Amanda, it doesn't matter

if Cecil is as popular as Wayne.

And that moose thinks you're special, you know?

So do I.

Thank you, Kevin.

You're welcome.

Hey, wait.

Before we go in, there's something

important I have to tell you.

You're carrying my child.

Oh, no, I'm serious.

See, I did this terrible thing.

See, the only reason why I asked you out

was to make Wayne jealous.

And I'm sorry.

I knew that.

You did?

Yeah, Lucy tried to tell me.

I just love a man in uniform, don't you?

Wait, Michael, I asked Kevin out.

I'm not very much a Wayne.

You saved this for the game.

Shut up, squid.

You've gone too far this time.

Save yourself, Amanda.

I'll take care of this.

Feed me up, Scotty.

Oh.

Cecil!

Yeah.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

We've got a game to play.

I got something waiting for you, pal.

I'm so sorry, Kevin.

That's cool. Thanks, Cease.

Cecil, can I talk to you?

I need to talk to you.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Leave me alone.

What's the matter?

I'm leaving the science club.

I don't want to be around you anymore.

What?

I've been a real jerk, huh?

I like it under your eyes. I've been a real jerk, huh?

I can understand you've been so busy with your homecoming queen.

Who, Amanda?

Ah, come on. I had her figured out a long time ago.

Kevin, why'd you have to go out with her?

I don't know.

So you could feel tough?

No.

Just so I could feel the dentist.

You know, I've been moving around so much.

Lucy, sometimes I feel invisible.

You make me feel invisible.

I'm sorry.

You're not invisible.

I see you.

I see you, too.

[music playing]

[music playing]

All right, guys.

Our main order of business today is the booth for the Homecoming Festival.

Now, themes.

What should our theme be this year?

Heavy metal.

Heavy, heavy metal.

We could sell posters, headbanger t-shirts, tattoos.

Leather.

Leather.

A lot of leather.

My band, Peachtree.

Excuse me.

We're having a meeting here.

Not for long.

- Not if what Wayne tells me is true. - Wayne.

There it is right beyond that picture of Kenny Rogers.

What are you talking about? There's nothing back there.

Oh, really? Well, we'll just see what's back here.

Honey, oh, oh.

It's stuck.

Ah-ha! Kevin, what's going on?

I'll take care of this.

Wayne, obviously you are correct.

Let's see now. What the hell is here?

A pair of blue panties.

A four-pack of beer.

Look, Mr. Bernhardt, none of this stuff is ours.

A likely story. Cigarettes.

Let me get your boxes, Prunge.

Prune juice?

The Prunge juice is mine, but...

Scotch.

Wayne and the Key Club planted all this stuff when they were in here the other day.

Light whipped cream.

And a movie called Leather Bimbos from Mars.

All I know is alcohol and several suspicious items

have been found in the Science Club Meeting Hall.

Kevin, with your record, I have to assume that you are responsible.

Clearly you have been a very negative influence on this club.

Therefore, Kevin, you are hereby suspended from the Science Club.

Any more trouble from you, Kevin? You're expelled.

As for the rest of you, this will undoubtedly be a

very severe blemish on all of your scholastic records.

Oh, Mr. Bernhardt, may I at least have a prune juice, please?

No!

I can't believe this is happening. Kevin just got kicked out.

My dad is gonna kill me.

I'll never be a gynecologist.

Wayne.

This is bullshit, man.

It is a bitch, isn't it?

What do you want from us?

Let's just say an eye for an eye, huh? It's your turn to swallow it.

Look, I'll clear you guys with Ms. Bernhardt, okay?

Now, all you gotta do for me is work the key club booth at the festival.

I mean, after all, we are a social club,

and we're just gonna be too busy socializing.

And what are we gonna have to do, Wayne?

Cook, clean, serve, etc. The grunt work.

That's bogus, man.

Bogus, huh?

Hey, I got something extra bogus for you, sport.

So is it a deal, huh? What do you guys say, deal?

Huh? How about it, kids? Is it a deal?

All right, it's a deal.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I'm supposed to supply the food, but, uh...

I think you guys will take care of it for me, huh?

Oh!

Oh!

What a dick.

Gotta come out with some food, you guys. What are we gonna do?

That's just what I was thinking.

I was in the cafeteria. They were in line. I heard them.

They didn't see me.

I'm making progress. Not complete thoughts yet

but she's definitely making progress.

Kevin, I heard them. Wayne plans to completely

humiliate you in front of the entire school at the festival.

Damn.

Well, if Wayne thinks he's gonna humiliate me, he's got another thing coming.

All right, guys, this is the plan.

What is this stuff? It's flea medication for dogs.

My dad has tons of this stuff at his animal hospital.

Well, is it gonna work?

I hope so. Elliot says when dogs get too much of this stuff,

they break out in an itchy rash and scratch like crazy.

We give everyone a free wiener, courtesy of Wayne,

and everybody will start scratching and blame him.

It's perfect.

This is gonna be dangerous.

Depends on where they scratch.

Dangerous? Nah, it only lasts for a day anyway.

How'd you get your boss to give you all these wieners anyway?

You should have seen him. Kevin scared the

chili out of him. He would have given us anything.

I hope the key club appreciates these

delicious wieners we're serving at their food.

Oh, they're gonna be itching to think of.

♪ I've got a secret ♪

♪ Never gonna tell, never gonna tell ♪

♪ My eyes can see ♪

♪ Under my spell, under my spear ♪

♪ I'm gonna need help, I'm gonna die ♪

So step right up, pull up high at the asshole.

Okay, Wayne, what was it?

Was it my remark about the moose in your hair,

or was it one of the picked your ass in the penguin run?

Next!

Okay, asshole, it's time for your next job.

Mike is gonna be so angry when he finds out we closed early.

Come on, chill down. What's the big deal?

After all, we came to meet girls.

And look, why's it Mike go to the homecoming and we can't?

Because we didn't graduate?

Hey, didn't you and I go and, uh,

top a doobie behind a gym together?

Doobie-chop.

Coach!

Kirby!

But don't you remember me?

Nosegarden 72, Mike Wildman weeks, ha!

No.

And get a haircut, will you, Jughead?

I never liked him anyway.

Dog?

This is great. Thanks.

Don't thank me. Thank Wayne.

Thank you.

- Free weiners, Wayne. - Hey, no problem.

Free weiners from me.

I like it, pinheads. I like it.

Hey, free weiners from me to you.

Come and get a small dip.

Thanks, Jughead. You're right.

Thanks, Coach.

Thank you, Wayne.

Your citizenship is exemplary.

Hey, get to work!

Thanks!

Hey, look what I got from that key club guy.

Larry, wait. Don't eat that.

So you didn't just bite the frugal gation.

Don't eat that. It's disgusting.

What do you mean you're the grand finale?

Uh, Wayne's making me do this stupid cheer at midnight.

You know, the end of the festival.

Are these even?

Come on, everybody. Get ready for the grand finale.

Go ahead. Yeah, oh, yeah.

Sure, grab a tomato. Here you go, honey.

Uh-huh. How about you?

You want a tomato there, Kevvie?

No, I guess you'll get plenty later, huh?

Ah, shoot!

Kevin, what's the matter?

Oh, God, Lucy, I'm so allergic to dead tomatoes.

I ain't getting near them. I'm not going to shock.

Kevin, let's just forget about the whole thing and get out of here.

It's not worth it.

No, no, no, Lucy, it is worth it.

All right, I'm not going to give Wayne the satisfaction

of seeing the science club wipe out.

Science, in a few minutes, they're going to be so busy scratching,

they won't be able to throw any... tomatoes.

You're right.

We're ruined! I blew it!

The flea medication should be working by now.

I don't understand. I mean, people aren't scratching.

I'm dead. I'm dead, you know. I'm dead.

Oh, geez, too bad all the pringes is gone.

No, it isn't. Miss Bernhardt with the last bottoms probably stashed in her office.

We can get it so you can do your thing.

All right, you guys have to get it before midnight, all right?

Because if you don't, I'm going to be covered in tomatoes.

Hang in there. I have a plan. Come on, Elliot.

All right.

Hey, Kevin, you almost ready?

Look, Wayne, I don't think...

No, no, no, no, no. You look.

Until you showed up here, everything was cool.

Now you're going to get what's coming to you.

I'm dead.

You knocked the cake from hell! I saw you!

- One more time! - Wait!

- Fine! Fine! Fine! - Break it up!

- Break it up! - Hey!

Hey, I won't tolerate this.

Well, it looks like the science club has taken a turn for the worse.

Now, I don't want to dwell on this unfortunate incident

because I have to get back to the festivities.

Quickly, tell me, what is this all about?

This idiot is looking at everything.

- Miss Vince. - Elliot, you're up next.

Okay.

Wayne, man, don't make me do this. You're going to be sorry.

You got no choice, pal.

Come on, man. Look, maybe this is too much.

- Why don't you just make him go back to

the pie throne? - Stay out of this, dumb shit.

- He's looking at every cook. - She thinks she can tell me what to do.

- I mean, I'm gonna go one at a time. - One at a time, please!

Excuse me, Miss Bernhardt.

This better be good, Nimrod.

Actually, it is. Chris and Joanne left their backpacks out in the festival.

Fine. Thank you.

Is there something else, Elliot?

Yes, there is. Is there anywhere I can talk to you and Coach Kirby outside?

Just privately?

- Catted weights. - No, ma'am, because I really have to go back out of this booth.

All right.

Great.

- What do you mean, this bitch? - I was just acting, babe.

- Come on, we got to wipe your model. - Wait.

Actually, I wanted to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your engagement.

Now get your cute little ass up there now.

You're lucky I'm a good sport.

(crowd cheering)

Wow. She's pretty. You think she'll go out with me?

Come on. Hey, moron. That's Kevin.

You think he'll go out with me?

No way. He's got a girlfriend.

So is this gonna be a large wedding for our

intimate little ceremony with friends this evening?

Everybody, grab a tomato, please! We're gonna have lots of fun here.

Come on, just get a little juice, Scott.

Come on, guys. Stoke him up.

Come on, Lucy. Come on, Lucy. You gotta get that bottle. Come on.

Come on, girls. Right here. Here you go.

I don't know what I ever saw in him.

Neither do I.

Got it.

Enough! Oh, thank you, Ellie. That was very sweet.

- I'll get you this isn't mine. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Um, great talking to you. Bye.

Now, what is the problem?

There's just no problem, right, honey?

Just a little sweetheart's back.

Not, not, not, children.

We're gonna have all sorts of fun at who's expense. You know who.

Our newest cheerleader, Sheriff Kavita!

Hey! Hand heads! Who's watching my restaurant?

Sorry, Mike. Sorry, Mike.

- Hey, Mike. - Kavalina.

What?

Who are you waiting for? Get back in there.

No!

And now, our newest cheerleader will lead us in a homecoming rally.

And have those tomatoes ready, because if you don't like your cheer,

we're gonna let her have it. Hit it, Kavina.

Uh, you are the, uh, you, uh...

All right, you guys have been a fantastic audience, okay?

We've had a lot of fun. I gotta go drive safely. Take care. Work on it.

- Get back up there. - And do the cheer on.

- And quit stalling. - Yeah.

We, uh, are the penguins.

Uh, you couldn't be, uh, prouder.

And, uh, if you don't like it, we'll, uh...

Turn you into a chowder?

- Did that suck? - That sucked!

That sucked.

Come on, everybody. Get your tomatoes ready.

All together now, can I have a drumroll, please?

And a five...

- Four... - Kevin!

- Three... - Kevin!

- Two... - Three!

- One... - Fire!

- Fire! - Fire!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God!

- Oh, man! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's going on here?

What are you guys... What are you guys doing? What's going on here?

No. No!

No!

No!

( cheering )

All right, that one's really doing this.

( laughing )

Stop that!

( screaming )

( screaming )

( screaming )

( laughing )

( screaming )

( screaming )

( screaming )

- Did you hit me? - Kevin, just...

He ain't starting to work.

( music playing )

♪ Crazy, baby ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ Hit the party to give me some reason to stop ♪

♪ Anybody is rooting in to the dark ♪

♪ Everybody's crazy ♪

♪ Everybody's crazy ♪

♪ Everybody's crazy ♪

♪ Crazy, I don't drink ♪

♪ Everybody's crazy ♪

♪ Crazy, baby ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

Eat this, babe. Oh, nice job!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

♪ Crazy, baby ♪

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah, this is excellent!

Whoo!

Science club, yeah!

( music playing )

Boys, boys, what is going on here?

Don't look at me.

It must have been Kevin.

Yeah, yeah, it was Kevin and the science club.

They must have spiked the weans.

Kevin, is this true?

Yeah, but Wayne...

I knew it.

I will not tolerate this blatant delinquency any longer.

Mr. Matthews, you are hereby expelled from Emerson.

Come Monday morning, you'll be transferred to Washington High,

seven high schools and two years old.

Hey, nice knowing you, Kevin. Don't bother to write.

But that's not fair.

Wait a minute, pal. I want you to tell Miss Bernhardt the truth

about what you did.

Oh, the truth. Oh, I see.

You want the truth. You're so tough, you little wiener.

All right, man, you're asking for it.

Hey, what the hell's going on here?

What's happening to me?

Come on, Wayne, let's hear it.

Miss Bernhardt's waiting for the truth.

You and the science club can lick my...

What really happened? Come on.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

It was me, Miss Bernhardt.

I blackmailed them and I planted everything in the lab.

It was me. Just let go of me!

I am so shocked, Wayne.

I am going to have to remove you from the football team.

Furthermore, you and the entire key club are suspended indefinitely.

You son of a bitch!

You ruined me and the key club!

I'm gonna kick your ass. Not so fast, junkhead.

Wayne!

Where did I go?

Let me go! I...

Let me go!

I'm very disappointed. You and the key club!

Kevin, I'm very sorry.

I'm very sorry.

We don't want to be late, sir. Can't even do we do it this week.

No, ma'am.

Yes, you're all right, then.

Get out of here.

Hydrogen oxygen can't go wrong.

That's right.

Kevin, you gotta help me get out of here.

You're my help?

Yes! They're gonna kill me!

Are you sure about this?

Yes! Anything!

All right, man. You got it.

You've got the magic touch.

It makes me glow so much.

And now I've learned I can return the magic touch.

(Screaming)

I was tired and bored and sick of being ignored.

But all of that changed when I arranged to score a minor award.

Grifted hands at my command was a powerful secret potion.

In its desperate cool concepts, the second thing's emotion.

The power, the rhythm, it's everyone's fantasy.

I have the upper hand on everything the curse will come to me.

Making it with connections, and I knew for a fast I was...

gonna get zapped.

I gotta have it!

I gotta have it!

She's not just what I want. She's gonna get it.

I'm gonna get zapped again.

East side, west side, driving down the boulevard.

Suddenly I had company and I felt this lightning rock.

A star, red light, yellow light, green light, a rodeo.

One, two, three, four, pretty maids, all in or out.

In or out to shine, it's time to up.

Don't doubt the power in your mind.

You can find yourself as a jig of truth sitting on the lap.

You are... gonna get zapped.

I gotta have it!

I gotta have it!

She's not just what I want. She's gonna get it.

I gotta have it!

I gotta have it!

She's not just what I want. She's gonna get it.

[music]

Now and then he can stop picking for me. He gets everyday.

Since failure beat into everything that was standing in my way.

Just me when I see those of you hiding from the trap.

You are... gonna get zapped.

I gotta have it!

I gotta have it!

She's not just what I want. She's gonna get it.

I gotta have it!

I gotta have it!

She's not just what I want. She's gonna get it.

Kids, don't you try this at home. We're trained professionals.