Original subtitles

- What up?

Hey, everybody. It's me, Jacob Wysocki.

We're back in the mystery zone.

Strap in, stretch out, toke up, crack open a cold one.

We're going for a ride!

(upbeat smooth music)

- [Vic] Today, we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

They have no idea who or what they're about to become.

- That's tight.

- [Vic] Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

- I'm ready to see how everybody's lied to me

and deceived me.

I feel like there's wisps.

I'm about to explode.

I'm absolutely about to pop if I don't see myself.

- [Crew Member] One minute!

Okay. - What's it gonna be?

What's it gonna... (chuckles)

Oh!

Look at this piece of shit.

Yeah, baby!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

All I know is that I am absolutely a piece of shit.

Not a good guy. Not a nice man.

Let's see, some accessories. Life of luxury.

(hoarsely) I looked at your numbers.

I came back from inside. I looked at your credit.

We can get you a Nissan, we can get you a Kia,

or we can get you a used Subaru from 1994.

Oh, look at these. I got...

I didn't even see these.

(southern accent) Thank you, everybody. God's here today.

God is in you. God is in you.

And certainly, God is in you.

Let's take a moment of silence except for me.

I wanna talk about tithing today.

10%!

(nasally) I mean, this guy's fucking Mr. Miami.

I'm the king of fucking Miami.

I only get good cocaine. (laughs aggressively)

I got a couple horses.

I don't get on 'em. I race 'em.

I make sure my horses fuck. (laughs creepily)

(Jacob laughing in a horse-like manner)

I'm almost a billionaire. I gotta break a couple more backs.

Yeah, I didn't always have money, so that's how you know

I know how to fucking spend it. (laughs)

You should have seen my teeth before this.

(smacks lips repeatedly)

(lively upbeat music)

(lively upbeat music continues)

(camera shutter snapping)

(toothbrush brushing vigorously)

(guest snorting)

(door slams) - Oh my god.

(guest clears throat)

Guest is there. We're just gonna...

Get out! Get out!

I'm serious!

We all have a story to tell, and sometimes those stories

need to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis back with another edition

of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourself.

(nasally) - Howdy, little lady. It's me, Hayes Steele.

(lively instrumental music)

- That "little lady," that's not nice.

- And you're witnessing a man

who's about to become a billionaire.

- Really?

- Literally a few ticks away.

- That's a nice watch.

- Sorry I was early. My helicopter was fast.

- So that's what was happening out there?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you have a hard time parking your car?

We had to clear it out for my chopper.

- Well, my car got towed, actually.

- Interesting. Sorry to hear that.

- Thank you for apologizing.

Maybe I can borrow some of that money to get it out.

- Hey!

I don't do handouts.

- Okay. - I didn't get where I am at

by helping everybody along the way.

- Well, Hayes, I'd love to hear a little bit

about how we did get to where we're at.

Tell me a little bit about Hayes.

- Hayes is the new me.

- Hayes is the new you. Who was the old you?

- Fuck him. He was a piece of shit.

We was a little fucking baby with no heart and no drive.

He was lost. He lived in Orlando, Florida.

Now I live in Boca Raton, baby.

- Sort of two hours away.

- Doug Dunkin was a fucking loser, and I'm glad he's gone.

- I'm sorry. Your name was Doug Dunkin?

- I don't even remember him.

The cash has made me blind to Doug Dunkin.

- It seems like you have a couple

of pretty specific specifics about Doug Dunkin.

- What do you mean? - That he lived in Orlando.

- Uh-huh. - And that he was poor.

- Doesn't that sound like a fucking loser?

- Orlando's a fine city.

- It's a suburb for babies.

It's a suburb for people who still need to suckle a teat.

- Well, I understand. Hayes, I guess I want to start at-

- You mind calling me Hayes Steele

every time you address me?

- You want me to call you Hayes Steele

every time I address you? - I like the way it sounds,

and it was expensive to change.

- Okay.

- Have you ever changed a name legally?

- My husband changed his last name to Michaelis.

(Hayes wheeze-laughs disdainfully)

- Wow, what a cuck!

- I said I didn't wanna change any names

and he said he wanted to feel closer to me.

- It was his idea? - Yep.

- I'm happy for you. - Okay, well, thank you.

Hayes Steele, you were Doug Dunkin.

- I used to be.

- Tell me about Doug.

- Doug's the complete opposite of who I am now.

He had no confidence. He worked for other people.

- Where did he work?

- He worked in all kinds of places. He sold cars.

- Ah!

- He worked in kitchens.

- Ooh! - Doing dishes.

He was sort of a bottom-of-the-barrel employee.

He worked at an Arby's for a short period of time,

but he got burnt by the fryer.

- Where did he get burnt by the fryer?

(Hayes laughs suggestively) Okay, so...

- Not where you think. It was just his hands.

- Oh, I see. That's exactly what I--

- And I'm gonna refer to Doug Dunkin

as a dead man, if that's okay.

- Well, hey, you do what you gotta do and I'll-

? Hey, Doug's dead ?

- Hey, Doug's dead?

? Hey, Doug's dead ?

- So Doug Dunkin, sort of a working job to job in Orlando.

Not terribly happy with his life, lacking confidence.

- He was a fucking scab.

- Was a scab?

- Not like a union scab.

He was like something that needed to be picked and healed.

- How did we end up here?

- Well, Doug Dunkin happened to win a reality TV show

called "The Longest Journey" where he won $1 million

for racing around the world.

- Okay, and we actually have a clip

of the moment that you won,

so if we can go ahead and take a peek there.

- God, I haven't watched this footage in years.

Yes, yes!

Yes!

Doug Dunkin has won "The Longest Journey!"

(earnestly) I won and my life's gonna change forever!

Yes! (sobbing)

Yes!

Yes!

I don't have to be me!

- Wow. - Wow.

- So let me ask, 'cause the prize

for this show is $1 million. - Yep.

- After taxes, things like that,

that obviously wouldn't make you like, rich like the man

I'm seeing before me. - No, I continued to live

a bleak life as Doug Dunkin for several years.

- Sure. - I invested the money.

I'm actually a new sort of almost billionaire.

- Yeah, I can tell. - This is new for me.

I've only been living this lifestyle

for about four and a half months.

- So what happened between the show

and this moment right here?

- I scrapped along as a piece of shit human being

knowing that my investment would pay off.

- Well, I wouldn't call somebody

that works in a restaurant a piece of shit.

- The people who hold the fabric of society together,

they're just in your way.

They're there to suck up resources.

They're there to get the fun for you but it's my fun,

it's my time, it's my turn.

- I've sort of said similar things to the crew,

and they're like, "That makes you a bad person."

And I said, "I don't think so."

- Don't let them tell you that.

That means they think you're weak, all right?

In a world of money, you better be a fucking shark,

you understand me?

- Yeah, I understand you.

- Drop of blood in the water, you find it.

You feel the electricity in a room

and you fucking put it out unless it's put into you.

- Right.

So what happens between four months ago and now

that presents the man that we see today, Hayes Steele?

- Well, I don't know.

I think I was about, I don't know,

maybe 22 when I won that show.

- Sure. - And I'm 37 now.

- You're 37?

- Yeah, it's been a hard, hard run.

But as soon as the money fully maturates,

I'm sure I'm gonna be able to turn it all around.

- You don't have the money right now.

- No, I've got most of it.

I'm just waiting for it to fully crank into the billions

before I go hog wild.

I'm touching it. I'm spending it, baby.

- Yeah. - Come on.

- I'm seeing some new.

- You're only as old as your teeth.

- Is that true? - Yes.

And these are the teeth of an 18 year old.

Plucked 'em. - How?

- It was technically a volunteering effort,

but I did pay the family well.

- But like, what are the numbers looking like?

'Cause what I'm hearing is you won the show.

- Yes. - You started spending

that million dollars- - I won $1 million.

- Pre-taxes. - After taxes,

it came out to be about $475,000.

- They took over 50%?

- Yeah, it's crazy.

I didn't have an LLC at the time or an S corp

so they just took it straight for me.

And now, after some extremely smart investments

in Chinese chemicals and private prisons,

I have $887 million.

- Whoa!

- That's the big difference.

- Private prisons? - Yeah!

- Where? - Yeah!

- Different places? - Mostly in Central Asia.

Azerbaijan, Afghanistan, the stans, yeah, uh-huh.

- For the United States or for those countries?

- Uh... (laughs)

- Okay, so maybe- - Don't dig too deep.

Don't dig too deep. - Put a pin in that.

- Yeah, yeah. - Don't come get me.

- "What chemicals?" Right?

"What do they make when you mix them together?"

- "What do they make when you mix them together?"

- Certainly not crack cocaine. Not cocaine.

- Cocaine? - No.

- [Vic] That sort of sent me back home.

- That'd be impossible. - Okay.

I'm not hearing this conversation, right?

- You're not.

- Okay, so...

- You're not 'cause you're not gonna fuck this over for me.

Anyways, yeah, I just made a couple smart investments.

I waited. I waited my time.

I waited 15 years or whatever, right?

- Yeah, 15. Like- - What's the math on that?

Someone do the math on that!

- If somebody could do the math on that.

- 22 to 37. Somebody do the math on that.

- Do it quickly.

- What's the math on that?

You know what's great about being wealthy,

almost having a billion dollars?

- Tell me.

- I don't have to do much thinking.

- Hayes Steele.

- Thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome.

- I like the way your eyes light up.

- Really?

- There's something about you that I know I can change.

- Okay, well, I sorta,

I spend a lot of time going, "Who am I?" (laughs)

I can be anybody you need me to be, you know? (chuckles)

- You should be who you wanted to be

'cause you know Doug Dunkin?

- Sure.

- Doug Dunkin always fucking knew about Hayes Steele.

- Really?

- He was always deep down inside there.

He was just waiting to come out.

- So you spent all this time. There was 15 years there.

You knew he was there. He was always coming out.

What is the moment where you go,

"Now is the time to strike"?

- I cranked that $800 million mark and I said,

"I'm almost a billionaire.

It's time to start living like one."

- You had mentioned earlier, you had friends.

You had a partner.

- Doug did.

- Doug had a girlfriend. - Yeah.

- And if we can just pull up an old picture.

And I'm seeing, you know, in this photo,

you two look very, very happy together.

- I don't think she'd appreciate her face

being on this program.

- Okay, so we're gonna blur that.

- We'll blur it out. - We can go ahead

and blur that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was the love of Doug's life.

- Well, tell me about her.

- Oh. (laughs)

Her name was Jen.

- Jen.

- Jen was getting in the way.

Jen was perfect for Doug in every fucking way.

She put up with Doug's bullshit. She'd help him get up.

She'd make sure that he ate a lunch.

She was a teacher, but not only did she teach, she taught.

- What do you mean by that?

- She didn't teach. She taught.

She didn't run. She ran.

Do you understand?

There's somebody who's one thing

and then there's somebody who's two.

Jen was more than two.

- Three? - She was four things.

She was my girlfriend, she was my mommy,

she was my best friend, and she was my confidant.

- I see.

- That's what every boy needs.

He needs a girlfriend and a mommy.

- What happened between you and Jen?

You get close to a billion dollars.

She starts getting in the way.

- She didn't want the cash.

She didn't want to be in the big bucks.

- I see.

- She wanted a normal, modest life!

- Your legs are getting further

and further apart as this goes on.

- I'm just getting finally relaxed here.

- I see.

- I'm finally getting relaxed, okay?

My Percocet's kicking in. - So she's getting in the way-

- [Hayes] And I'm getting a little relaxed.

- ...of a billion dollars, and so from what we understand,

you're some- - I left her

in the fucking dust, all right?

The money started coming in and it started looking hot

and I got a ring.

- Right.

- And I didn't put it on her fucking finger

and I kept it for me 'cause I deserved it

'cause I beat a man in a race.

And she didn't like who I was becoming

and so I fucking left her in the dust

just like I left Doug in the dust.

And yeah, we had plans. We had big plans, marriage.

We had the name for the kid picked out. We had it all.

The names for the grandchildren picked out.

- You don't get to pick names for grandchildren.

- Let's break it down for a second. (slurping vigorously)

- You didn't take a sip of that water.

- I'm not allowed to drink because of my teeth.

I'm purely IVs. - I see.

- Do you have any cucumbers?

- Cucumbers? Yeah, we can get you some cucumbers.

Why don't we get somebody to run to the store for cucumbers.

- Great. That's awesome. - Look at that.

You don't have Jen, but who do you have now?

- Well, you know, I've adopted a boy.

- So you have a son.

- I've got a boy.

- What do you mean by that?

- I was abroad in Poland and I hired a local pilot.

- Right.

- To fly me out to Central Asia so I could adopt a boy

from one of my private prisons.

Babies are actually very valuable.

- What do you mean by that?

- You know, you take a crop of young kids

and you set 'em aside for 18 years

and teach 'em exactly what you need to know

and where to go and what to do.

- Sorta like an army of babies.

- Depends what you want. - Okay.

- Maybe you want 'em to fight into another country.

Maybe you're holding them so they can start a war.

Maybe you've got an entire crop of boys

that you're holding, educating,

making them into perfect men to inherit your money.

Do you wanna be one of my boys, Vic?

- Are you asking me to be one of your boys?

- I wouldn't come here on a helicopter if I wasn't serious.

- 'Cause I sorta have a stepdaughter, and she sorta doesn't-

- I don't care about your boy.

- Right.

- That boy can be my boy and I can pick its name.

- You know what, I would love to be your boy.

I'd just sorta like to have a family.

(bills flip)

So, in diversifying your portfolio,

you purchased this building, Dropout Studios,

is that correct?

- I am now the owner and author of Dropout Studios.

- And that's actually how you ended up on the show today.

You purchased the land and said, "This is mine now."

- Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna try and tighten things up.

There's a little bit of fat on the studio-

- Agreed.

- You're actually lucky 'cause I talked to my guys, right?

I called up my boys. (table clanks)

I said, "Rico!"

- It's a rental. - "Rico!"

- Right? - "Rico, Rico, Rico."

- Rico! - I picked up the phone.

I said, "Rico, I'm thinking about getting some land

and turning it into a parking lot."

- Huh. - And I looked at some spaces

in the greater Los Angeles area, flew over from Boca

on my private heli. - Right.

It really made a statement this morning in the parking lot.

- It's loud, it's brash, it's in your face.

You can't deny it.

- It sorta seems like it did that to your hair.

(Vic laughs nervously)

'Cause, you know, so your hair's sorta windswept.

- That's a cheap hit.

That's a cheap hit to go for how I look.

- No, I'm not saying...

I think it looks good. - That's a cheap hit.

- I was just saying it sort of was like,

you know, the helicopter sorta went...

- I'm gonna go ahead and have Rico call you.

He's gonna give you a new bottom line, all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. - For how much we can spend

on the show? - Yeah, yeah.

I don't think you're gonna have all these fancy cameras.

I mean, we probably only need two

to shoot this show, really.

- Well, we need the two and then, you know, sorta,

this guy sorta moves over.

And then watch this.

So, can't do that on these.

Watch this.

Can't do it. Doesn't work, so...

Just, and still.

- You're fired. - And so...

Fired? - He's fired.

- No, so you're gonna...

Well, we do need- - At the end of the day-

- That's Cooper, and Cooper actually, Cooper's staying, so.

- At the end of the day, I'd like your tripod packed up

and I'd like the camera in a box,

and I'd like to see your final day paperwork.

- How about, I'll chat with Rico.

We'll figure that out later. - All right, all right.

- Well, have you done the tour of the studio?

- You know what, I probably should get a lay of the land.

- A tour of the studio? - Let's do it.

- Okay, all right. So maybe if we...

And so Cooper's really important for this part.

(Hayes breathing heavily) Okay, and so I'm just gonna,

sorta, here you go, sir.

And then, ready?

And okay.

Whoa, okay, sorry, sorry. And I'm just gonna...

If we can just...

So, and there we go. And there we go.

So there- - I can't walk on carpet.

- So this is an accessibility issue, guys.

So maybe let's get rid of the carpet.

(smooth upbeat music)

We got this. - Not much to see.

Not much to look at. I bought this, huh?

- And sorta then, if you come through here...

- I can't. I gotta catch my breath.

- Okay. So this is our coffee station.

And get a little bit of this. (Hayes panting heavily)

- Yeah. (slurps vigorously) - Do you want some coffee?

Oh, 'cause the- - Yeah. Really good.

- Right. Of course. - Really tasty.

- And so, and then- - That's a good brew.

Who brewed that? Maybe they could host the show.

That's good coffee.

- My part hosting the show?

- Yeah, sure. Why not? - Well, no,

I'm kind of valuable here. - Maybe we could test it out.

- And I need to be here 'cause actually,

well, and you know, I got a lot of options.

I'm actually interviewing over at MSNBC.

- Hey, come here.

- And I could have been over there

and I'm choosing to be here, right?

What are you doing?

- [Hayes] Just go ahead and get some cucumbers.

- [Vic] Why do you have so much cash?

- I'm a boss. I'm Mr. Fucking Miami.

I got a wad on me.

- Come on this way. Let me show you the end of it.

So this is staff only. I'm staff so we can come on in here.

After you, sir. - All right.

- Just like, keep up the pace. I'm trying to help you here.

- So these could go. We could get rid of these.

We could put these on OfferUp.

- On OfferUp?

- We could put that on OfferUp.

We should put this on OfferUp.

You don't need two.

You don't need a toaster oven and a microwave.

- Actually, I insisted upon this

because you can't put a pizza- - So then we'll put this-

- We do a pizza. - ...on OfferUp.

- Okay. - We're going to...

The whole thing. All right. - Yeah, sorta.

We're gonna do the tour.

How are you feeling? You need a break?

- [Hayes] I'm good.

- You're not an on-camera talent,

so we need you sorta like, you're not on camera

and so like, all the way through that door.

Wonderful. So we're gonna sorta pop on through here.

- We should take these down.

The labor laws, we're gonna get these out of there.

- I've been saying that forever.

- Yeah, I'm non-union. I run a non...

It's fully non-union. - It's not except for me.

- It's fully sweatshopped. - Yeah, yeah.

- Fully sweatshopped. - You can't say sweatshopped.

So this is sorta the bullpen. - You let these people out?

- Nope, they- - Do you let them out?

- I lock the door and we open it at 5:30.

- Okay, cucumbers. (tapping glass) Cucumbers.

- [Vic] So we'll come back on through.

- Cucumbers.

- [Vic] And then we got sorta, you know, blue.

- I gotta be honest. I'm underwhelmed.

- By the studio?

- [Hayes] I'm very underwhelmed. Yeah.

- Well, we got the,

the lights are down right now. - Uh-huh, yeah.

- I think that might be the problem

so let's get you back on- - I don't know. Yeah.

- [Vic] Back on set.

- Okay.

- Okay, and so it's the carpet. And so I said carpet out!

- I'm gonna flop. I'm gonna flop.

- Okay.

(Hayes sniffs sharply) You can't do...

You can't put that in your nose on camera.

You took my sugar.

- Whoo! Ha-ha! (claps)

- And that's what that is.

- It's a beautiful space. It's a really beautiful space.

- You think so?

- You know what I notice about this space?

- I would love to hear. - You own it.

- I own it? - You own it.

- Okay, well, that's very kind of you to say.

- Not on paper.

Metaphysically. You move through this space excellently.

- For now. - In full dynamics.

- In the meantime. - Crescendo decrescendo.

- I got a couple other opportunities.

- Ah! Now you're being a shark!

- Okay.

- You got a sense of blood somewhere else,

and you're swimming towards it.

- Well, you know, sorta, my name's in the mix for,

do you know Rachel Maddow?

- Yeah, I heard of her.

Heard she smells like corn and turkey soup.

- Well, she's scheduled to get sick for two weeks.

They have to schedule her illnesses.

- They shove it into once, right?

- Well, that's it exactly, and so-

- Yeah, yeah, don't wait for the winter.

Don't wait for the fall.

We're gonna give it to you when we want.

- What other investments do you have right now?

- I did all the euthanasia for SeaWorld.

- What? Like putting down like, whales and things like that?

- Mm-hmm. - How does that make money?

- People have to show up.

It's a big needle. It's a lotta gas.

- I guess that's true, and I guess it's sort of not a job

a lot people wanna be doing.

- Honestly, I'll be serious with you.

That's probably the most fucked-up thing I've ever done.

- You're doing it personally?

- Absolutely. Nobody else wanted to do it.

That's why it was such a moneymaker. Nobody wanted to do it.

It was a horrific, horrific thing to do.

They're beautiful creatures. They deserve to be free.

- Yeah.

- But I had to kill 'em.

- I guess you sorta did free them.

- Here's the big lesson.

Enough people protest, people will die.

You think you're saving lives? You're not.

- So they were healthy?

You were just putting them down

because people were protesting?

- People were like, "We don't like this. We don't get this.

Why are they in small tanks? We have to fix this."

And you can't just put 'em back into the ocean.

You can't put a caged bird back into the rainforest,

so we've got that, of course. - Okay, right.

- I do have a chronic farm.

- What is a chronic farm?

- It's a farm where we put people with chronic pain

out of their misery. - Okay, what?

- It's another euthanasia gig.

- Well, 'cause you said "chronic farm,"

and I was like, "Oh, maybe a marijuana farm."

- I don't touch the stuff. I only do snow.

- You bought that alpine resort.

- Absolutely. That's another part of the real estate.

But I'm actually gonna demolish that and put homes on it.

- You're digging out the mountain?

- It's gonna be called Snowca Raton.

It's Boca Raton's snow location.

- That makes sense.

- $927 million!

- That's a standard watch.

- Yes! They're coming in.

That billion's getting closer and closer, baby.

- Do you need to make a call or anything?

- Nope.

Nope. - Okay.

- That's why I'm here.

I don't really have anybody to share the good news with

and so I thought I'd broadcast it out into the wild.

That's why I bought this studio.

I didn't have anybody to share the good news with.

- You sorta bought a studio for friends.

- Not even friends.

I don't actually like any of you,

and I don't think any of us would really hang.

I don't think you guys are down to party.

- Same! - Ah.

- I don't, you know, not for me,

but just sorta the general consensus, yeah.

- Yeah, it seems like a bunch of fucking softies

and a bunch of pillow-layers, you know what I mean?

- Pillow-layers?

- Yeah, people who just wanna sleep.

- Sleep. - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. - They do like sleeping.

- But I thought, you know,

you gotta share the news with somebody.

I can't just fucking sit in a mansion

and become a billionaire.

- I'm so happy that we got to be those people for you.

- Uh-huh.

- We just have a couple rapid-fire questions,

and I think I'd like to ask you some of those.

- Let's hit it. - Okay.

(smooth instrumental music)

(Hayes sniffs sharply)

It's on- - Fast. Go.

- Where are you getting that from?

- Big. - It's like the air.

What is your least favorite book?

- The Bible. - Why?

- It's too long, too big, too many of 'em.

- Okay, that's...

- Imagine if you had every book in every hotel

how much money you'd make.

- I think that's the Gideons,

and I think they do that for free.

- I'm jealous.

- What is your nightly wind-down routine?

- I pump myself full of oxygen

and then I run an IV so I get my liquids.

And then I use my boy's blood and I put my boy's blood in me

and it makes me feel good and it makes me feel young.

And then I have a bunch of bugs scrape my skin and eyes.

- Every night?

- Every night. - When do you sleep?

- After the bugs scrape my skin and eyes.

I get out, I take a cold plunge,

I get on the phone with Joe Rogan, just say, "Hey,"

and then I go to bed.

Talk to Joe almost every night.

- Nice that you have a friend,

even if it's a friend that maybe isn't, um-

- I'm paying him.

- More of an employee in that situation.

Last but not least, a question that I ask each

and every one of my guests.

What is the meaning of life?

- The meaning of life is to make so much money

that you could be whoever you want whenever you want.

- Who do you wanna be?

- Hayes Steele.

- Are you sure? Because we actually found a video.

And it seems like one that Jen took of you.

- Huh.

- Right prior to your breakup,

and just give us some interesting insight to you.

- Look at that fucking loser.

(gentle instrumental music) (birds chirping)

(chuckles) Morning. I love you so much.

I hope nothing ever changes. You make me feel so whole.

- How'd you find this video?

- Doug looks so happy.

- You know, babe, I don't need anything else.

Me, you, and a dumb plan.

(smooches)

Thanks for everything you do, baby. (chuckles softly)

I don't need that. I don't want that.

I never wanted that. That's not what I wanted at all!

I wanted this! (mug clatters)

(shouting) I wanted to be Hayes!

I wanted to be Steele!

I wanted to be cold as fucking ice!

I don't wanna see that shit, all right?

- Turn that off. We're gonna turn that off.

- I don't fucking need that!

Bad boy!

- Sorry.

- [Hayes] That's a bad son!

- I'm a bad son, so clear that.

(Hayes sobbing) Hey.

(Hayes sputtering) Hey.

- Fuck! - Oh.

- Fuck!

I'm just fucking Doug!

- Hey, come on, Dada.

- Jen!

- Here we go. So we're just gonna cut that.

- I miss Jen! I fucked up!

- We can pop that right back in there.

- I fucked up! - And it's fine, so just,

and we're just gonna... (watch beeping)

Something is beeping. - (sobs) Please!

- Okay. Hey, hey, hey! - I miss you! (sobs)

What?

- [Vic] You hit a billion dollars.

- Oh, hell yeah. - So that's-

- Fuck yeah. All right. - Okay, so-

- To the helicopter. I'm gonna go spend this cash.

(warm upbeat music) - Okay, so...

I'm Vic Michaelis reminding you to be true to yourself

unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Good night.

So, can I come?

- [Hayes] Chopper's getting cold, kid. Let's go, baby.

- Okay, so I am coming. So okay, well, hey, hold on.

And that's, so, that's mine.

- [Hayes] Just grab my cucumbers.

- Your cucumbers?

Did somebody get cucumbers for my dad?

(warm upbeat music) (audience clapping)

(warm upbeat music continues)

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