Original subtitles

[Eddie] Is it true that one foot is usually smaller than the other?

[Tom] Yes, it is, Eddie.

[Eddie] I'll bet most ladies wish they could get

two small feet.

[Tom chuckles]

[Eddie] Dad, how big is the universe?

[Tom] Well, we don't know for sure

but if all the sand in the world

was in one pile and that was the universe

one planet would be about the size

of one grain of sand.

I just got the whole solar system in my shoe.

[theme song]

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ Yeah he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ Pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪

[scatting]

Listen, it looks like it's almost time.

Now, you have any questions at all?

Absolutely no questions. Please don't worry.

This mission is not impossible.

Yes, I know that you're babysitting for a weekend

but you know that I'm a father and I have a right to worry.

Will you stop worrying?

Eddie and I are gonna be just fine.

- Right, Eddie? - Right.

Listen, I'm just sorry

it's on such short notice.

Listen, how could you know Mrs. Livingston's

gonna get the flu?

I could cancel the trip.

Will you stop worrying? Go to Sacramento.

Have a good time. Do your business.

Please don't worry about Eddie and me.

I wish we could go to the airport with you.

Mm-hm, I bet you do, huh?

So that you can stay up an hour past your bedtime, right?

I like the airport anytime.

Yes, yes. Well, so...

Well, we're all set. You have no questions at all?

Please, don't worry, Eddie's gonna have a good time.

I'm gonna have a good time

and Rod's gonna have a terrific time.

Eddie, I, uh, I think I left my attache case in the bedroom.

Would you go look for it for me?

Listen, uh...

Your friend, Rodney, you know, um...

He's not gonna be any trouble or anything, is he?

Trouble? What kind of trouble?

- Well, he's a bachelor. - Yes.

Well, I mean, I was a bachelor, you know, but, uh...

You gonna have a lot of ladies over here?

- No. - Yeah.

But how about parties, all the boozing?

- No. - Okay, I'm not...

You know, I'm not trying to get stuffy about it or anything.

- No. - No, I'm not. I'm really not.

It's just, uh... Well, it's Eddie.

Yes.

Norman...

I am a father...

...and you're a godfather.

Is Rodney a swinger?

[doorbell ringing]

Hey, maybe that's him now.

You can see for yourself.

♪♪

Ha-ha, hi, Rod.

Tom Corbett, I'd like you to meet my friend

Rodney River Jr.

Why, I'm sure glad to see you haven't changed.

Well, you've changed.

At least you're not limping anymore.

The last time I saw Uncle Rodney was when I went to him

for an insurance claim.

I had a broken leg.

- Oh. - Skiing.

Why anyone wants to go skiing is beyond me.

For fun.

Having your leg in a cast for several weeks

is not my idea of having fun, Eddie.

Uncle Rodney is in insurance.

I'm an actuary, actually.

I mean, actually, I'm an actuary.

An actuary, Eddie, is an insurance man

who works for statistics and figures out

the odds on... things.

Well, that's fairly close.

What I actually do, Eddie, is tell the insurance company

for which I work, what's right and what's safe

to insure and what are bad risk.

For example...

I notice when I turned the corner here

that there is a slight snag in the rug.

Now, if a man with a nail protruding about that much

from his right foot

coming out of the toe of his shoe.

If he was to catch that toe in that snag

and if he was to fall in a straight, direct line

being less than five foot six

he would then fall like so and hit the edge of the table

and that's a bad risk.

And that's an actuary.

Well, I believe in safety first.

But look, it's your job. See, I'm a photographer.

I see the world as a picture.

You, you're an insurance man

you see the world as a risk.

[Eddie] Is it any fun?

Oh, sure, Eddie.

I mean, when I find something wrong

and I correct it

I get a terrific kick out of that.

And then you go out and celebrate.

No, no, no, no. He stays in and celebrates.

Out is full of danger.

Actually, I hope you're both aware of the fact

that 68 percent of the accidents happen

within the home.

Hey, Eddie, I'm convinced

that if you keep your head on right

and you take one little foot

and put it after the other little foot

and then put that little foot after that little foot

you could work your way into the bedroom and go to bed.

♪♪

Sharp edges.

Definitely sharp edges.

Eddie bounces.

Come here.

See this? Sharp edges everywhere.

It's very hard to find sponge-rubber desks.

Eddie, do you carry all of this in your pocket?

- Sure. - Jacks and a pen-knife?

Rodney, he's very, very careful.

Would you like to know the percentage of young boys

having cuts that require stitches from pen-knives?

- Eddie, uh, why don't we just... - Well, yeah but, uh--

No, i-it's gonna make Uncle Rodney feel better.

And if, uh, Uncle Rodney doesn't feel better soon

we're never gonna hear the end of it.

♪♪

I still say

that you should be in here

and I should sleep on the couch.

Uh-uh, I wouldn't think of it.

Well, it's very nice of you anyway.

- Germs? - They're everywhere.

Especially in children's rooms.

I thought kids were antiseptic, like dogs.

Only to each other.

But, however, I've brought along an ample supply

of antibiotics just in case.

♪♪

Would you mind?

♪♪

Uh-huh, mm-hm.

Uh-huh, see there?

Uh, you don't like the chair where it was?

Well, it could be dangerous if you walk in your sleep.

Do you walk in your sleep?

- Not so far. - But you never can tell.

That's right.

1, 2, 3, 4...

[sneezing]

...5, 6, 7, 8, 9

10, 11, 12, 13--

- Goodnight, Rod. - Goodnight.

14, 15, 16,

17, 18, 19, 20.

♪♪

♪♪

[coughing]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[sneezing]

[Rodney sneezing]

What is it?

What is it?

Ah-ha!

♪♪

Goldfish.

And if they're goldfish

which they are

then this must be...

[sneezing]

...goldfish food.

Norman, are you sure you don't mind?

I don't mind, I don't mind.

It's that a lot of people are allergic.

But how many are allergic to organic vitamins?

- That's a first. - Uh-huh.

♪♪

Hey, Rod, um, what are you doing?

I'm gonna sleep on the floor

'cause I take it the odds are that way

I won't fall off the couch.

Oh, whoopee.

Of course...

...the door to the balcony is locked.

Rod

will you go to sleep?

Thank you.

Goodnight.

[grunting]

[Rodney grunting]

[Norman] What's the matter?

Hey, what's happening out here?

Well, I wanted to get a drink of water

and I bumped into Uncle Rodney.

I didn't know he'd be asleep on the floor.

Oh, that's a safety precaution.

Well, I didn't mean to frighten you, Eddie.

[Norman] You're not frightening the kid.

Now, both of you, listen to me

you, back to bed, you don't need a glass of water.

You, back on the floor, which has been freshly vacuumed

and germicide this morning.

You, back to bed.

And let's see if we can all sort of relax

and safely get some rest.

I would say the odds are 33 percent

that we might get a half night's sleep.

[door shuts]

[Norman grunting]

♪♪

But I always play football, Uncle Rodney.

He always plays football, Uncle Rodney.

When his father is at home.

Are you ready to take that responsibility

knowing full well, as I'm sure you do

that 21.2 percent of all children

have a broken bone before they're 10 years old?

Hey, uh, Eddie, why don't you do us a favor

and just stay in the house today?

- Aww... - Come on, please.

It's gonna make Uncle Rodney much happier.

Could I at least go play with my friend Dusty Snyder?

It's in the building.

Well, since it's in the building.

Okay, good. Go change your clothes.

Norman, those metals you wear are neither safe nor sanitary.

I know, but they keep my head on straight.

Hey, you almost ready?

Almost.

Except for one little thing

which I hope you've noticed that I haven't mentioned.

I've noticed that you haven't mentioned.

What is it?

Eddie's return.

Wouldn't you say he's more than an hour late?

I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

Hey, I'm kidding. He's playing with his friend.

He got a little hung up, everything's fine.

I bet you he's home any minute.

Well, not hearing is good too.

I mean, a serious accident

they would've notified you immediately.

A minor one, the kids ignore.

I would say it's a medium accident

requiring some sort of medical attention.

You're right. I'll call.

Of course, letting him go in the first place

was a calculated risk.

♪♪

Hello, Mrs. Snyder. Yeah, this is Norman Tinker.

Yeah, Eddie's uncle. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, listen, we just have finished making dinner

and, uh, we're waiting for him

so you can send him home now.

Thank you.

See that's the thing that really upsets me.

I worry, worry

senselessly, needlessly.

Eddie's on his way home, right?

He never got there.

♪♪

[Norman] No, Mrs. Gerber.

No, I just thought he might've decided to...

Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, thank you very much.

Well, I just crossed out Billy Gerber's house.

Yeah, listen, I'm really getting nervous.

It's not like Eddie to stay out this late.

Well, let's not lose our heads yet, Norman.

A couple of things could have happened.

A, he could've got confused

and got off at the wrong floor

or B, he could've deliberately disobeyed.

Cross off the "B." Oh, hello, Mr. Koom.

Yeah, this is Norman Tinker.

That's right, Eddie's uncle, Norman, right.

Listen, I was wondering if you might have seen him or...

Well, we got our signals crossed.

Oh, yeah, no. Everything's fine, fine.

Yeah, sure. Don't worry, okay. Yeah. Thank you very much.

Well, we knocked off the "A" and "B"

what's on your C-list?

Notify the proper authorities.

Yes!Hello!

Norman, I've been trying to reach you for 45 minutes.

Oh, hi, Tom.

It's Tom, h-hi, Tom.

Well, listen, I just don't think you oughta

tie up the phone that long.

Suppose it was an emergency or something like that.

How are you doing, Tom?

I'm doing, I'm doing fine, Norman. How-how are you doing?

Oh-oh, we're doing terrific.

Yeah?

Everything is just swell, Tom.

We're moving right along.

That's good, th-that's fine.

Yeah, yeah, alright. Listen, uh, Norman, I have to get back.

I wanted to talk to Eddie, but, well...

I'll get him next time around, huh?

So everything's under control?

Yeah.

Okay, okay good.

Fine. Well, I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, bye, Tom.

Bye-bye.

♪♪

Hm.

Before we call the police

we gotta retrace Eddie's footsteps.

Undoubtedly someone's seen him.

They trusted me. Rodney, they trusted me.

Well, maybe it'll work out.

♪♪

- Well? - Doesn't seem to be working.

Hey, that's funny. The door seems to be open.

But I wouldn't do that. I...

Eddie!

Eddie!

- What happened? - Oh, hi, Uncle Norman.

I guess I must have fallen asleep.

You've been stuck here all this time?

Well, Eddie, all you had to do was just press this button

and talk to the doorman.

I did, but it's broken.

Well, then you should have pressed the emergency button.

Well, I did, but it's stuck.

Well, you could have forced it with your--

Pen-knife and you took it

away from me.

Well, anyway now that the door is properly closed

the button should work.

But it doesn't.

It-it doesn't?

The average time...

...that one is stuck in a stalled elevator

is a little over four hours.

[beeping]

- Ah-huh, uh-huh. - Your turn.

Listen, Rodney, jacks may not be too safe

but they pass the time.

Yeah, I pick these up and I drop it?

- Right. - Okay.

- Twosies, you're for twosies. - Okay.

Oh, sorry.

You know, a recent study showed that the chances

of a... stalled elevator

falling down the shaft was... minute.

Then why are you sweating?

Because I have claustrophobia.

Help.

- I want out of here! - Rodney, Rod! Rod!

- What? - Rod, uh, twosies, twosies.

- Twosies. Jacks. Twosies - Twosies.

[beeping]

[Norman] Okay, let's go, yeah. Take it easy.

Here you go, get up, get up. Okay, now, push it.

[both grunting]

- More. - It's stuck.

- Just try more. - It's stuck.

Well, i-it's a good idea, Eddie, but just didn't work.

Hey, come on, Rodney. Now how about some more jacks?

[beeping]

Ever since I was discharged from the service, I've tried to live

a reasonably rational, normal existence as a human being.

You're right. You can't figure the odds on everything.

You can't live your life safe. You gotta take a shot.

You can't go running scared all the time.

I figure a man that doesn't utilize the wisdom

and intelligence that he's acquired over the years...

Uh, well, he's no better than an animal.

That's who we are basically, animals.

It's when we rely on computers and statistics

that we lose our good, old animal instinct.

Yeah, you never heard of a horse getting stuck

in an elevator, have you?

♪♪

[beeping]

Claustrophobia is just a...

...neurotic state of mind.

The walls are not closing in

and... time is not standing still.

And we will survive.

There, I'm doing very well.

I mean, no tranquilizers.

Yes, I-I would say I'm doing

marvelously well.

Just wish I could be like you guys.

- I'm so ashamed. - It's okay, Uncle Rodney.

Everybody's afraid of something.

Yeah, Eddie, but, uh, I'm afraid of everything.

Listen, maybe you could stop by not being afraid

of one thing.

Alright, what?

[Eddie] Hey, I got it.

You could start off by not being afraid of me

getting cut by my pen-knife.

You know something?

If I had to get stuck in an elevator

I'm glad it was with you two guys.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

Well, I could think of several things. We could...

Well, we could get stuck in the elevator

we could starve to death before anybody comes to rescue us

or the elevator could fall down the shaft.

- What are the odds? - Practically zero.

Does worrying affect them?

No, but that still doesn't stop me from worrying.

Okay. Then, what is worry?

Worry is just an attitude about a thing

not the thing itself.

But what if I've run out of luck?

What if you haven't?

[Norman] You can use our good luck.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

I know it. I've always known it.

I just could never get myself to believe it.

You can do it. I know you can.

- You do? - Yeah.

Wow.

This may be the best thing that's ever happened to me.

♪♪

When we get out of here

I'm gonna be a completely changed man.

I really mean it.

I've had a rare opportunity to step outside

and take a look at myself

and I'm really gonna change.

I wanna be more like you guys.

I'm gonna learn to take life easy

and... just be totally relaxed.

[elevator shudders]

What was that?

- We're moving. - Hey, we're moving!

- We are moving! - Yeah!

[all] Four, three, two

one!

[all laughing]

Hello.

How did you guys know how to meet me?

Oh, it figured.

We didn't expect you till tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, well, I'm-I'm a little embarrassed.

You see, I, uh, I had a hunch

and, uh, my hunch was wrong.

Wh-what does that mean?

Well, Norman, you know, how you get a feeling...

I just somehow got the feeling

that something was wrong here

and so I packed up all my stuff

and left town a little bit early

and, I don't know, it was silly, I...

♪♪

Oh, Tom, if you don't mind my mentioning it

you could hurt yourself picking up a bag like that.

Oh, yeah. Oh, thank you.

Well, how did it go, sport? Any problems?

Nothing we couldn't handle.

And we had a terrific time handling it.

♪♪

[squawking]

[Eddie] I'd like to be a bird and I could have pretty feathers

and I could fly.

[Tom] Any special kind of bird?

[Eddie] No, and I don't really even care about the feathers

just so I could fly.

[Tom] Well, alright, how about an airplane?

Would you like to be in an airplane?

- No. - No. Why not? You could fly.

[Eddie] Yeah, but I'd have to carry too many people on my back.

[Tom] Eddie, do you know the difference between

birds and people?

[Eddie] Yeah, we stand up on two feet.

[Tom] And we think.

[Eddie] I guess that's how we get into trouble.

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a warm hearted person who'll love me till the end ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout my best friend ♪

♪ He's a one boy cuddly toy ♪

♪ My up my down my pride and joy ♪

♪ People let me tell you 'bout him he's so much fun ♪

♪ Whether we're talkin' man to man ♪

♪ Or whether we're talking son to son ♪

♪ 'Cause he's my best friend ♪

♪ La la pa ra ra pa ra ♪♪